u/timer18

This week, I finally took the step. I blocked my narcissistic monster that called itself my mother. I enforced an absolute boundary to protect myself, my wife, and my two young children.

​I thought I would feel relief. I thought I would feel free.

​Instead, the backlash inside my own mind is violent. I am drowning in an immeasurable amount of shame, limitless fear, and thousands of regrets. I feel like I’ve failed my ancestors, abandoned my responsibilities, and lost a part of who I am. My pragmatism and logic have been completely swallowed by this overwhelming emotional pain. I look at myself in the mirror and I see a stranger. She has told countless members of my family, sent messages recorded alongside them to try and get me to come back, no doubt with false information provided.

​I am holding onto my core vow every single day: to protect my little ones so they never, ever have to feel this kind of systemic pain. But right now, in my living room, the emptiness is clawing at me.

​For those who have gone completely No Contact... is this normal? Why does doing the right thing for my children feel like I've committed a crime against my own blood? How do you survive the first few days of this emptiness?

I grew up and I felt things I dont understand, I cried for no reason, I remembered things I have no business remembering. And I hated it, I loathed it, i spat my spite at it and thought this is not me, it can't be, I was a rock, I was steady, I was firmly planted in the ground, I was the line you could count on, the wave that swallowed the fires, the light that pierced through the dark... and now, this is me? This... vulnerable, shaking, shivering, soul begging for someone to stay with me because it doesn't want to be alone. How can that be?

And then I looked, really looked. With an objective mindset removing the names, the places, the biases so I could truly look at it and for what it is... And what I saw shattered my deeply held beliefs, my core views of who I am, of what i believe, of what I dream of... it shook me awake and forced me to look at myself in the mirror seeing a stranger stare right back at me where my reflection used to be... this can't be me... it just can't... my world makes no sense, my pragmatism swallowed whole by sensitivity, my logical mind burned from the inside out by a heart that feels everything fully, my stoicism a paper illusion that crumbled before my eyes leaving nothing, absolutely nothing for me to hold in its place...

And now, alone in my living room, I sense everything, see everything, so much... so much it hurts... The unsaid hits me in the quiet innate bragging of people's words, the subtle tone switches revealing a person true feelings in spite of what their words might say

... and it hurts to live like this. It truly hurts, when you see your own heart pushing you away, telling you, screaming at you this person is not safe... they wont give you what you need, you will live another life of superficiality, you will live by them hoping to god one day you can just share your heart truly without having to worry, without having to apologize for what you feel, for what you are. I look at the world now... and it just hits different... like I am a witness to the world, watching the world slowly killing itself with pride, with lies, with conditions, with fake smiles, and my heart hurt a little bit more every single time.

I wasn't the boy you wanted, I wasn't strong enough, I wasn't gentle enough, I wasn't considerate enough, I wasn't as smart as my brother, I wasn't as trusting as my sister, and you hated me. Mother you hated me. Your words said I love you with all my heart but your stance, your tone, your responses, your actions showed you really don't. You hated me because I didnt fit in your neatly prepared boxes you had set for me, you hated me because I felt everything and you always disallowed yourself to actually feel anything, you hated me because I didnt say yes mother I agree with you, you hated me because my heart was real unlike the rest of your family filled with lies, pretenses and mirrors.

I wanted mother to hold me, to say you matter to me, to kiss me and make my worries vanish, to help me when I needed it, to show it mattered if I existed. But no never, I told you I am hurting inside so badly I tried to hang myself, you stood there, looked at your hands, didnt look at me, said but hey you're fine now right? I told you I cut myself, showed you my scars on my arm, you looked away and continued on. How it hurt mommy, how it hurt to see it mattered not how I was, as long as I lived by your rules, your limits, your consent.

I grieved losing all the pictures of me as a child that I wont be able to show my own children... show them this boy who had the brightest smile, who always believed everyone was a good one, who opened his heart without thinking, that same boy that you beat to tears, whose heart you destroyed by demanding he becomes less in every way. And he obliged, every time, he became less to earn your love, and to this day he still hasn't received it...

And today I cried every tear in my body and set a wall around me. I sobbed as I built every little brick, I remembered all the moments we had together, the wonderful smile you had when you first held me, I remembered all the trips, dinners, movies, family moments we shared. It tore my heart asunder and burned away all the shame, all the blame, all the despair you had set in my heart. I wanted to breathe, to be able to be who I actually am, feel everything I want to feel. I was unable to stop the tears when my heart screamed out :"Today, I choose me, mommy."

I was brooding dark thoughts, had no purpose, had no motivation to keep going, had doubts about me, about my nature, about who I am, about the choices I made.

And then I heard your voice, I felt your hand on me, your head resting on me, so tender, so small, your fist held my finger so tightly. You never judged, you never withdrew, you never held back... your voice reached my ears even through sound, even through closed doors, even through the anger in my heart as you pulled me out of my sleep. I held you close to me and I felt you calm unable to see, unable to say anything, unable to hold but you held me close all the same you breathed on my shoulder and feeling me close was enough to calm your sobs. I felt your warmth spread and choke sobs out of me, I always wanted someone who needed me this much. And now I had you.

And as you grew, you opened your eyes, large beautiful black eyes that shined with an unmistakable spark, you smiled as I held you, rested against my arm, ran after me and touched my face with your tiny hand. As I looked into your eyes, something shattered inside me, and everything came back, I cried, I choked, I sobbed, you brought me back to myself and you couldnt even say my name yet... you didnt shame me, you didnt walk away, you didnt think less of me, and I held you finding in the smell of your hair, the relief, the refuge, the shield I needed so badly. You were half the size of my arm and you broke my armor I had built for 30 years.

I was filled with regret, I missed the baby sister I left behind so badly, holding you was both painful and healing at the same time. You smiled in the same way, never thinking twice, never holding back. You looked for me and your world shattered as soon as you could not see me. You brought me back to myself, reminded me of who I am, you made daddy face what he always avoided. And for you, my little angel, I chose to face it, i chose to stand my ground, I chose to put a boundary so that you may grow without knowing the fires of hell that daddy grew up in. And I dont regret it, you give me so much, all of you unrestricted, unconditional. And that, my little angel, is always what daddy needed.

I was brooding dark thoughts, had no purpose, had no motivation to keep going, had doubts about me, about my nature, about who I am, about the choices I made.

And then I heard your voice, I felt your hand on me, your head resting on me, so tender, so small, your fist held my finger so tightly. You never judged, you never withdrew, you never held back... your voice reached my ears even through sound, even through closed doors, even through the anger in my heart as you pulled me out of my sleep. I held you close to me and I felt you calm unable to see, unable to say anything, unable to hold but you held me close all the same you breathed on my shoulder and feeling me close was enough to calm your sobs. I felt your warmth spread and choke sobs out of me, I always wanted someone who needed me this much. And now I had you.

And as you grew, you opened your eyes, large beautiful black eyes that shined with an unmistakable spark, you smiled as I held you, rested against my arm, ran after me and touched my face with your tiny hand. As I looked into your eyes, something shattered inside me, and everything came back, I cried, I choked, I sobbed, you brought me back to myself and you couldnt even say my name yet... you didnt shame me, you didnt walk away, you didnt think less of me, and I held you finding in the smell of your hair, the relief, the refuge, the shield I needed so badly. You were half the size of my arm and you broke my armor I had built for 30 years.

I was filled with regret, I missed the baby sister I left behind so badly, holding you was both painful and healing at the same time. You smiled in the same way, never thinking twice, never holding back. You looked for me and your world shattered as soon as you could not see me. You brought me back to myself, reminded me of who I am, you made daddy face what he always avoided. And for you, my little angel, I chose to face it, i chose to stand my ground, I chose to put a boundary so that you may grow without knowing the fires of hell that daddy grew up in. And I dont regret it, you give me so much, all of you unrestricted, unconditional. And that, my little angel, is always what daddy needed.

I always remember this sentence from Verso... it shouldn't have to be, it should be easy, simple and honest. I cried as I talked to my mom and dad, so much buried, so much not allowed to be said, so many feelings, so many frustrations, unresolved issues. I grew up so fast, I was made to I never got to be a child, only for me to sit alone in the living room of my chilhood house. Feelings surging at me, stabbing me like daggers in my back making me sob and yell out in pain. I was 12 and I talked myself through them. None of the adults mature enough to sit with it But I have to shut up, I have to back away, I have to accept it, I have to live with it.

And yet, I remember people who said what was in their heart, who painted life as if the emotions were colors on a painting, flavors in a dish, letters in a story. A part of us, a beautiful part of us that made us grander not less. That made us at peace with ourselves, at peace with the world. We felt happiness fully without holding it back, we felt sorrow wholeheartedly never lessening, we felt grief so deeply we still kept the hearts, the thoughts, the love of the ones who left so they could live eternally through us. So the flame of their strength never waned, never vanished, only grew stronger as it was passed along. The depth of their aspirations grew inside your heart, and flourished, making their dreams come true long after they passed.

And today, I sit in the silence of my room and all I can see is these words from Verso. Family is complicated. Never hit stronger, never been truer. I love them all of them, every single one, so strongly. But I have to push them all away, tear their memory from my heart, rip my past from my mind so, through the warmth of my tears, I can continue to paint with all the colors of life.