It's sad to know you will always see me as the bad guy in your life..the one who ruined it right..the guy you wish you had never met..it's sad to know that you think I'm happy somehow..while I'm struggling to stay afloat, on the brink of collapse..there is nothing I can do anymore to prove who I am cause you've already made up your mind about who you think I am.. you've already decided.. trying to change your mind has only made things worse
I need you to hear this clearly: I am so •.. proud of you. Proud of you for making it through things that should have broken you. Proud of you for waking up and trying again when life gave you every reason not to. Proud of you for being soft even after hard seasons. Proud of you for carrying pain without letting it turn you into someone cruel. People do not always see how much you've survived because you make strength look so quiet. But I see it. I see the pressure you've been under. I see the battles you do not talk about. I see the exhaustion behind the smile sometimes. And I just need you to know that the fact that you are still here, still trying, still loving, still hoping, is something beautiful. You are doing better than you think.
Your are the strongest woman I know
GOODNIGHT
I’m not a good person.
I notice and I hook,
I keep people on the line.
I hoard them as if they’re one of many categorical collectables.
I can imagine how dehumanizing that is.
I am good at the masks,
I know you are too.
You make yourself out to be unaware and stupid,
When we both know you’re anything but.
The light jokes and positivity,
The seemingly easily come by banter.
We both do it.
I lie.
I know you know I lie.
I took opportunities for honesty and twisted them because of my own distrust.
If you weren’t going to be open with me, why did I owe more of that to you in consideration of nothing?
Cognitive dissonance.
I said I was someone I wanted to be, not the person I was.
I was unfair.
I said things which hurt you, I know.
I slammed a door shut that I desperately wanted to keep open.
It was from shame and fear and hurt.
There was no way for you to know that.
I felt like you never heard me.
I felt unseen when you crossed firm boundaries due to liquid courage.
I never told you.
Your insecurities were louder than anything I could ever say.
I think maybe we turned out the same in that regard.
The reality is that I’m an impossibly lonely person.
Which is rich considering I’ve got people.
I have people who want to chat, who want to connect.
It all falls flat for me because they are not you.
It hurt when you started seeing me as someone I am not.
When you started treating my qualifications as indicators of insecurity, rather than proofs that I had started to feel fundamentally misunderstood by you.
Maybe I propped up a fantasy human in my head.
But my intuition says something entirely different.
The truth is my feelings for you are an entirely somatic exercise,
Void of any intellectualization.
And that makes me extraordinarily uncomfortable,
Because I don’t know what to do with it,
Because I don’t understand them at all.
I feel so empty, now.
You are right there and a world away at the same time.
I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t even know if it’s fixable.
I don’t know if you think it’s worth fixing.
In which case, if not, I don’t know how to get over the hope you gave me.
The fall is harder because the lift went higher than I thought was possible for me, now.
I’m just… far more broken than I’ve been before.
And I have no idea what to do with any of it.
It’s been four days. You’ve read all my messages. Your phone hasn’t died once which means you’re comfy. So you’re just laid up over there chillin. And it began less than 24 hours after I went to stay somewhere else. Then I find his clothes in the dirty pile in the bathroom. So I was right that day when I got home from work and could smell him in my room.
I was so excited to finally be working again and you couldn’t even go to bed with me on my last night before my first day. Instead you stayed locked in the bathroom on Snapchat until 5am. Which reminds me of the second night, where you “lost track of time” and stayed over there “with Emily” until 5 am. All of this conveniently before I left for work. Then you’d pretend to be asleep and not text me for hours. All the while the internet logs show instagram and Snapchat pings non stop until I get off work. Then right when I walk in, you suddenly have to poop for two hours.
Honesty with someone with such a seasoned history as you do, you’re fucking slacking girl.
So whatever you gotta tell yourself to live with the guilt but I know you guys were fucking before I finally left. But knowing you didn’t even stay one night alone, I’ve taken the house back. Everyone is wondering where you are. You kids. Your grandma. You took nothing but my ketamine, the weed and the Bluetooth speaker. 😂 watch out for that UTI
Ps. 4:44
You both are accountable for what you did to one another. The question is can both of you be emotionally mature to have a hard conversation and apologize with pure intentions?
What I came to know was that the behavior I myself tolerated and accepted, changed and closed my heart to the way that I see you. I am truly not in the same place you left me nor am I the same person. I've heard your personal always wants to come back or comes back after the streets have used them up.
For me personally......personally it's too late. I gave you chance after chance to save what we built. Now I don't even know what or even need to say anything. To be really honest if I could ....even see you now I would acting like you don't exist as a person to me. I would walk by you like your a stranger. You played a game and lost me forever.
Some people need and want closure but honestly, my closure came with the disrespect that you kept giving and that is what I remember about you.(Might be different for others)
Don't care about that nor do I see it happening. All I know is you don't repeat the same lesson.
I have endured stuff that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but then I also look at it as your person was never your person and I think anybody reading this knows that but some of you still question-Where did we go wrong? What the hell happened? What did I do. Did they not Love me??
I am a true believer. Your person shows up no matter what they ran from. ( It can get scary)
Instead of holding that hard conversation and fighting for what they asked the universe for..
Things would be different. You wouldn't be questioning yourself having doubt or wondering if you ever mattered.
I've heard go no contact. I have... to where there is no access to me ever unless I want it. Truth be told I do ...but truth be told I love myself more and I can finally recognize and see that.
Accepting what my peace looks and feels like than the chaos uncertainty and expectations my love created
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you
Just the way you are💗 please call meee. I love you so much. You’re my favorite person. Even if we never talk again I adore the snot out of you 😁 And I miss you too! 🫂
Please know you mattered.
How do I stop getting randomly choked up thinking about you and 'us'? Especially those magical first days and weeks. The late night conversations. Sharing EVERYTHING. Baring our (or was it just me?) souls.
All that meant nothing to you then? I guess i wasn't the first and won't be the last for you. To have a connection like that..
But you were mine.
I'm grieving "us" SO bad! How do i stop checking T every two min? When i know there's not gonna be anything from you. Likely ever.
And that's probably for the best. I'm glad i was the one calling it. Dragging around this dead horse of a connection (not even a relationship as you finally said) for the sole purpose of your "needs" being met whenever YOU want.
All that big talk about all those life stuff, and here we are!
Just let me go. Leave my head, my heart. Just fucking leave already
You know what, I finally give up. Looking back, I was anxious the entire time. I was angry for the last half of it. I ended up not listening to myself, but for some reason believing in you.
It didn't matter though, because I cared...
In the end, I got burned; I am not without blame.
I never needed you. I never wanted to set it on fire. I don't know what happened, but I know enough to realize it doesn't matter anymore. I know enough to realize that I can miss you, and remember that having you around hurt me. I was always told sweet words, but words weren't enough.
I will never tell you that I miss you. I will never tell you that, unfortunately, you changed me. I learned a valuable lesson, because I am finally tired of making choices that go against my intuition. I am tired of sitting in spaces, or commiting myself to people who make me promises that don't align with their actions. I am tired of choosing people who don't choose me. I am sick of chasing the idea of people, and ignoring the reality that I know to be true. I am sick of telling myself I just need to want less, and be less anxious, in order to keep a connection alive. I am tired of making excuses for people.
I hope you enjoy my silence, because I am not chasing an answer anymore.
Instead of growing together, we will grow separately; and that is a choice you made. I am sure you will find someone who needs less, and doesn't circle around so much chaos. Then, it will all make sense. Don't worry, this isn't new to me. I simply thought you were the right match, but being too similar can also be a detriment.
You have your own chaos too; You just didn't know what to do with mine.
You chose this over me. You chose to completely remove me from your life so you could have this temporary thrill that means more to you than I ever did or ever will. So now I have enough disregard from you to finally give me the fuel I need to make sure I never remember anything about you or our past or the future that I thought we would have you will no longer exist in my reality whatsoever so enjoy your priorities and your choices your anchors your distractions and enjoy those things that you value now in your life that mean more to you than your own soul I've got better things to do with my life too like watch paint dry you've proven to be the biggest mistake and regret I've ever felt I've ever encountered or ever will thank God you no longer exist and I'm talking thin air