u/RaccoonConsortium

What then k?

You're just gonna say oh well, I had to protect my peace?

The peace of avoiding conversation?

I know you have a really bad understanding of common human behavior and emotions. And so it might seem impossible to you that something like blocking someone could kill them.

The problem is, you're completely wrong. You need to look up the very real health effects of someone doing that.

You need to understand that if you pull this shit on someone right when they were at their end already in terms of not being able to eat, what you do COULD END UP leading to their death.

You need to understand that yes people can die and suffer from deadly heart related issues.

And I get it, it's common and I'm sure every idiot around you is telling you don't believe them they'll be alright they're lying about the pain. But that is NOT THE FUCKING CASE with me. I don't play around like that and you know by my point.

I'm not asking you to fix my hurt by getting back with me No! All I'm asking is for you to stop abandoning be completely, THAT'S where all the pain comes from.

And you don't know how serious it is and just letting me go through this. It's so irresponsible.

And then what's worse is that someone told you you're not responsible for my pain. However they are wrong.

When you are directly causing someone extreme hurt by DOING SOMETHING YOU KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE TO AND YOU CONTINUE TO DO IT WHILE THEY ARE IN PAIN ... YOU ARE PURPOSELY HURTING THEM. And there in lies the abuse. Because it's completely unnecessary and you've been told MULTIPLE times what it's doing.

You can't use the excuse of "I didn't think it was serious" because you already know it's possible that you're wrong and it is hurting and doing it anyway.

And so I ask again, what if you end up killing me all because you couldn't just call a truce and apologize. Will it be worth it?

I first heard it out of her mouth "you're entitled" "you feel entitled"

And in the moment I felt like it was the stupidest thing I had heard all day. Because first of all ... Are you dumb? Do you realize how much I respect your time? Lolol it wasn't even worth addressing. But second of all... There's no way I could have felt like that because I firmly know that no one is entitled to anything.

It's a fking non sequitur... It's worthless to say.

But after sitting with it and hearing other dumb assess say it, I realized what was going on. It's just another misused health term. And this shit is getting super annoying

THESE TERMS WERE CREATED FOR ABUSERS AND PEOPLE WHO ABUSE LIMITS

Not regular ass people who aren't trying to hurt you, or using them to shut down arguments or discussion. It's wild how stupidity is corrupting things meant to help...

I just heard someone tell me I'm not entitled to conversation or some shit. Again NO ONE IS ENTITLED TO ANYTHING. The thing is THE WHOLE POINT of having a relationship with someone is to set basic understandings and expectations. This!

Friends, lovers, have basic expectations. Expectations which have shit to do with entitlements. So yes, if you're friends, your SHOULD be able to expect the decency of having a conversation if asked. Yes friends should be able to expect not to be blocked out of no where. THESE THINGS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ENTITLEMENT. They are the whole fucking point of relationships. Trust to get back what is given, mutual respect.

So now whenever I hear anyone talk about entitlements and they're speaking to anyone other than an abuser... I can go ahead and assume you just don't know what a relationship is and think it doesn't matter what status you have or how much the other person has given, you think you can do whatever the fuck you want because they aren't entitled.

You people are so fucking gross and you need to go back and learn how to be fucking human again and stop learning how to manage relationships from Tinder's FAQ

People need to look up "abusing health terms" and if you don't know how to use a concept maybe look it the fk up before you assume you know anything.

You know as a guy who is on the right side of things and who despise men who fuck everything up by being slimeball I'm so fking devistated at this point.

Do you know how fked it is to try to be your best. Constantly ask for consent for actions, simply because I always wanted to make sure she was comfortable and to make sure I wasn't assuming things were ok. And to have her reassure me over and over letting me know she would let me know if she ever thought X was too much. ONLY to have this woman leave because she decided you know what... It was too much. Without ever doing what she said she would.

Do you understand how fked up that is. I fucking can't believe it. It's not gonna change my behavior as much as I just don't even wanna give a shit any more but I hope no woman does this. As a dude I shouldn't be going out of my way to do the right things only to be treated like an abuser anyway. It's so fking gross and I can see how some dudes just don't give af, it's like being too nice just gets you fked over anyway. Nauseating.

People need to learn this. You can't just abandon people and then when they panic or try to reach out claim they are violating boundaries. You can't just put up boundaries out of no where.

It's vile to give people silent treatment for no reason. Not only is it bad for them but the people doing it are losing their humanity. It's disgusting.

If you have a problem with someone you're supposed to tell them when you put up a boundary. You can't just end friendships and be like respect my boundaries. That's so fking toxic.

People need to learn about silent treatment and blocking, if you're not legit using it to protect you from someone who intends harm IT'S JUST ABUSE

It's so gross when you use psych health conventions as a weapon. "Keeping your peace" against someone who's legit just trying to talk. "Setting boundaries" so you can ghost in person. It's disgusting.

The way you behave is gross, and then you have the nerve to supposedly want friendship? Just like you don't know how to properly use those tools which were made for safety and respect. Using respect to disrespect and silence others AIN'T IT.

YOU MAKE ME WANT TO THROW THE FUCK UP.

And that's the thing. You're over reacting... Why. You're excuse doesn't make sense. If you thought me mentioning my feelings was too much for you why not say something before destroying everything. There's no way that on its own could make you so mad

If you care so little for me why are you behaving with the anger of a broken heart. I said I was leaving right after you basically trashed what I mean to you. I was never going to leave you and you know it. And I certainly wouldn't and didn't ignore you. So why are you the one who's leaving? Shouldn't it not be that serious, I made a mistake no? Can you even blame me for why I felt so hurt?

Why would you then give me silent treatment? You're acting like I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ACTING. So what aren't you telling me. There's something missing in your anger... Is it just your ego? You were just pissed because I didn't just take it?

Uhg

Not on you... I give up because it's you for the rest of my life and

In the last couple of days I've still thought about what to do or not do. Thinking about if you're gonna do that you always do or stand and not run.

But I might as well get used to this now. What's gonna hurt isn't me but being able to find another. It's gonna be

1: everyone asking what happened to us. They're gonna notice how I went from happy every day to soulless. And that I'm not talking to you... And I'm gonna have to tell them and they will immediately put 2 and 2 together.

And 2: seeing you get with any other guy and immediately knew he wasn't made for you. Knowing even if he's good he can't handle you, and if he's bad you won't realize he's just ignoring red flag after red flag and not staying bc he cares.

Anyway. Today's the last day, and I was thinking about saying something in the chat. But no. This is on you😭

This is like hoping the arsonist with the lighter doesn't do the wrong thing.

I guess I'll say goodbye later

All of the letters I wrote in sadness and anger.

I hope u make the right choice. As much as I pain to see me without you. I also pain to see you without me

Don't you dare use healthy concepts to enact cruel..

Claim your peace is unfairly their silence.

Too many people out here who find boundaries all of a sudden when it's your turn to talk.

It's one of the most disgusting things you can do. It's gas lighting, it's abuse, it's victim blaming. It's VILE.

I've never written directly to you like this before.. Just know that something is making me do it. Just like all the other small things I found weird which was out of my control. I know the odds but this isn't about odds right now.

I love you. And I'm sorry I had to blurt out all of that. It wasn't an attack... It's just that I saw you were just going to give me the same cut and paste response that you had curated in your mind so you didn't have to tell me the raw truth,a response that excluded any real responsibility on your point.

I'm under no illusion how not having any real relationships has left you without the tools. Don't take this as an attack but it's not. The problem I have with your crafted responses and way you deal with things like this is exactly how I know you haven't had real relationships.

An aside I remember when I asked you if you ever had one boyfriend and you played it up as if the few dates you had meant multiple. But I know the truth is none really. And I didn't push it because it's so sad. But it was the same time I was asking why you didn't date me, and I tried to ask. If your method hasn't worked yet don't you think it might not be the best for you...

But I digress my point was the way you deal with things is exactly how I know you've had basically no real relationships. And I know because all of your defenses are defences that children use... In arguments, in thinking... And it's so sad because most of us all start with those defenses those ways of arguing but the thing is k, we grow out of them. And we grow out of them through experiences and friends who challenge them out of us. And so very early on when I saw so many of your defense mechanisms are the ones children use I knew... I knew in that moment that you haven't even had people close enough to tell you, no you shouldn't argue that way because you tell on yourself. Or no you don't just look past men who are cheating on not only their wife but two kids.

I remember how shocked I was when I asked you...... He has two kids?? Don't you think he's a POS, and it was like you never even really considered it, or if you did you applied absolutely no criticism to it. Almost like a kid faced with adult business that you thought u had to stay out of.

And I became sure because thing after thing which people close to you should have called you on if only to teach you, had never been offered to you before. You wonder how I saw through you... It's because as I learned you I started to see your history.

But the original point I saw your response, and what you don't know about these responses that are stepping stones for children is that people get rid of them because they're not useful, they're not meant to be used as adults because they do nothing but what they were supposed to... Provide comfort and defense, but they fail to do what they're supposed to do. Defend you like an adult would, with honor, with conviction, with honesty, with a strong foundation, and most of all truth. And that's the thing, when you use them they signal that a resolution isn't really your goal, protection is..

And so I had to just let out everything that I usually hold back because it's stuff you do out of inexperience and so I don't usually bring it up, one thing at a time Miss lol. But I had to show you your culpability in this because like a kid (no offense) you were acting like you had none, and I know you genuinely think you didn't. I know you're blind to that stuff.

So yes I'm sorry... But now to the point of this letter.

YOU HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO COME BACK TO ME.

I can't be the one to fix this anymore because you have solidified a narrative (much like a kid where you're bundling issues together, stripping them of all of their nuance so you can easily lay them at my feet and say... See, this is you) in which you think I always do this. "You've done this 4 times" "are you gonna do this every 3 months". It's amazing how you do that but it's so wrong. Even though we've gone through this so many times EYE don't just keep doing this for fun. You keep stripping it of it's reasoning. Almost every single time I've ended up saying I couldn't handle things and asking for an ultimatum. 1. I tell you way in advance, hey, in feeling this way, could you help by doing x, and you don't ever seem to be against it, proceed to not do it, and 2. I end up to the point where I'm in so much fk ing pain being in silence because you've done nothing to address it in reality.

So I mean yes K if I didn't do it the 3rd time I likely would have ended up injured and I keep getting forced by my freaking health to bring it to the fore. It's either that or something legit terrible. But then you just act like none of that exists... Why?

Because that's exactly what a child would do in order to absolve themselves and fully make it into something that's my fault. And it's so frustrating because not only do you not currently even have the tools to do different. But it's so hard to explain every single fking time I just give up. But now you put me in a box. Because regardless of whether I'm arguing against essentially a kid, I have to take a hard stance finally as a parent instead of like a friend (how ironic).

And You have to finally do the adult thing with all it entails.

Not one thing has made me love you less, it see you as less. It has only made me want to help you finally grow into that adult you should be and finally leave those useless defense mechanisms behind. And that has to start with you, owning up, and standing for something.

It doesn't mean you lose.... Even thinking about losing or winning is part of what has to go.

And I fear so much that those childish thought processes might additionally lead you down the final road of stubbornness where like so many things you just refuse to concede. Because that would be so sad. The only saving grace is that I'm being made to write this. And if you see it, you'll finally see a sign that you should.

I've been so pure with you because that's the love I want with you and that's what I have to offer you. If you take my hand and stop being afraid I'll be there forever.

Like I still am right now.

And don't mistake forever for what's it's not. I might die tomorrow, and I won't just take anything from you. But I will marry your soul and love you forever. And I get it, you have no clue what that means... But neither do I, so let's find out together how we wanna find out together.

I'm sorry for my pain, and I fucking love you kei.

That I'm in love with a girl who's far away and asking for a sweater from her is met with distrust or disbelief.

It's fking tragic... And I understand why. But it's fking sad that I ask for this simply so I can feel like she's near and it's met with skepticism because of how cynical we all are. Sweetness and love are often outright mistrust... It's so sad in reality and I know it's not just her.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you don't have feelings. But I can't live without you. And if you really can't live without me, then we have to compromise.

I can only see you romantically, and you can only see me as a friend... If that's the case I have to give up certain things to stay... BUT SO DO YOU.

if that's what you want then that's what has to happen. Otherwise I wish you luck in love. But I also know that if you couldn't see or understand the love right in front of you, you won't have any luck in finding good love. And that's not my jealousy speaking... That's just reality.

You are the love of my life and you couldn't love me. Everything broken about you continuing to break you so much further. The childish method of protection you keep protecting you from everything good. I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask to not ever love anyone else. I gave you the purest love,, and you have no fucking clue. I hope you know I was your last chance and that you're putting yourself on the path to get used up again by exactly what you're trying to avoid.

You fool.

And I wouldn't hate you if you didn't act like you don't care once again. I warned you what being a coward does. And as much as I want you say I hope you learn... I won't, bc I didn't want you to learn this way. What you did to me hurts so bad, but how do you blame a kid who doesn't have a clue what they're doing.

I only hope that God saves what's left of me bc tonight I died. You finally did it. So stupid.

I hope you feel the pain you're clueless to.

I DON'T CARE, if you think it won't be successful.

I DON'T CARE, if you think it's unrealistic because of financial situations.

I DON'T CARE, if you believe LDR aren't real or doable.

If it's the case that you actually have feelings. If it's the case that you love me... DON'T BE COWARD AND JUST ADMIT IT.

success, money, distance. Those things have nothing to do with love. And I'm no trope of a man. I can understand the difference between love and the complications which might get in its way. But having this sense, this almost knowing, that you have feelings it's driving me absolutely mad. And lying about it because your calculator, accurate or not, tell you it might not be possible isn't "doing the right thing", it isn't "smart". It's first of all likely wrong, but more importantly it's cowardly. Enough with all of the cowadace and calculation. Everyone needs to fking grow a pair and be real for once in their God damn lives which they're supposedly living.

That's not just to her. That's too all of you cowards and this culture is cowardice which has grown to be the norm. I refuse to treat love like a commodity to be hidden in the name of the safety of capital. Fuck that.

I've been hurt so badly in my past... Surely abandonment issues. I was left constantly, abandoned...

But no.

The reason I panic when I don't have you, am afraid of never having you. Is because I know exactly how rare you are... The most rare infact. And that's why I fear, how I fear, what I fear.

Because you're it. And there's no recovery in existence for losing you. Not peace, not another, not one other thing in existence.

Finding the love of your life?

Or the fact that she doesn't know love so she's going to miss hers?

I wish I was being dramatic. But I'll never make it out of this.

My soul is tired. So tired that we just saw a movie which had the most signs I've ever seen and I can't even react. I'm so drained constantly feeling like you love me sounding like you love me. And I get if you're lost. I get that you might not even know... But the thing is, I'm not going anywhere bc I can't. So I need you to take a risk. If there's even 1%, I need you to take the risk and give me something to hold on to. Because I've fallen for sure, but I've arrived at the bottom.

I want so much more of you. And that's when I realized. Even if I wanted to create a state of the art AI version of you that I could talk to,a whole you based llm. I wouldn't even try. Because I know you couldn't be replicated. No matter how good it wouldn't never be you.

Likewise for images. I want it all to be real. I want it from you. Directly from you. Nothing stolen. Nothing fake.

So much. Sometimes he loves you so much he just wishes he could watch you type... Just a video call of your hands so he can glance at them, maybe stare at them occasionally and feel like you're there. He, I don't need a stream of your face, I wouldn't want you uncomfortable. But that's too weird to ask for huh. Well that's what I want.

So much he just wants to see you sleep when he aches at night because you're far. He, I don't want you awake, I know you need to sleep, and I want you to sleep. That I can't sleep... I'm sleepless, isn't fully your doing😆 but it would help so much. No perfectly, if I could watch you sleep. Not the whole night, I just need a little fix. But people have made these things bad to ask for huh.

So much. It literally hurts. Missing you really hurts. And he, I wish it didn't happen... Happen randomly or when I feel like I don't get enough of you. I wish it wasn't so real, occasionally feeling nauseous at the thought of not having you. I want you so much, too much, who cares what the classification is in the face of what it really is. Times I feel science should study me because I've come across the strongest form of love in existence. I wish they would.

I wish you were my scientist. Love.