r/ToxicFriends

I ended this friendship two years ago. They weren’t good for my mental health and wanted more of my time and energy than I had available. I went grey rock and then eventually stopped replying to their messages completely. I haven’t heard from them in two years.

Today they messaged me out of the blue. I know I should have blocked them two years ago, but I didn’t. Their message was exactly how they used to be, a ‘hope you’re keeping well’ and then a huge wall of text about how awful their life has been / is.

My husband said I should ignore them. My Mum said I should reply with a 🙏 and then block them. They have really bad mental health problems and I don’t want to do something that will upset them, but I also can’t deal with their problems at all.

What would you do?!

So in 2024 class 12th I had a bestfriend and he liked me and it was very evident every person shipped us together even though i made it very clear that I had no feelings for him in that manner and this what he did not like. He fake exposed me made fake screenshots and everything even fake voice recording call recording made every single soul in my school against me and I lost 10-10 years friendship because of this and he did not stop there . He and his some minions went on to spread rumors about me that I am into s*x work and that my per night rate was 2k . I was just 17 at that time . I had people come up to me asking for s*xual favors to be done instead of cash due to all this now I am in college I am not able to trust anyone and my college people and no less than these people I cannot trust anyone and I have no friend . I went into chronic depression due to all this recovering from it but everyday I question my life as why all this is happening to me just because I said no .

I 24F have been friends with this girl for a very long time and lately I feel like I am not being appreciated for the amount of energy and effort I have put into our friendship. Over the years, we have had our off and on issues, I mean we started being friends in high school which already is filled with drama. We are now at a point where we both realize adult friendships are very different from high school friendships do to the lack of time we are able to spend together and how life often just gets in the way.

Over the last 2 years however, I have noticed more and more that she has not been prioritizing or trying to spend time with me or her other friends since being in a relationship with this guy. A few months ago I brought this concern to her attention and she assured me she would do better… she never actually did. If anything she got even more distant and avoided spending/ making plans together at all. A few weeks ago she broke up with her boyfriend after she cheated on him. I decided that now that she is out of that relationship I wanted to reiterate how I feel just so we can grow and move forward from that. She said “Yeah i’ve taken accountability for that already and I told you I plan on prioritizing my other relationships more now”. I then told her I am just afraid that if she decides to get in another relationship, I wanted to feel confident enough that she wont just push me to the side. She pretty much said “I mean I hope that doesn’t happen but I can’t make that promise. Not that you would understand but men just do something to you when you are in a relationship with them, they make you want to spend all your time with them” (I am in a long term relationship with a woman). Naturally, that response was not so reassuring.

On top of her not reaching out or spending time with me, she has also been making subtle jokes about my appearance/body in a negative way. I am a little over weight, not DIABOLICAL, but definitely curvier. On a handful of occasions, she has gone out of her way to make a comment in a joking manner about my fupa. Going as far to point and laugh in a group setting at it. She also in a group facetime call with our mutual friends said “I don’t know if I ever told you this, but you kinda look like Gypsy Rose” which I could just tell it was coming from a place of trying to put me down and make a mean comment. I confronted her about how she made me feel and she made me feel stupid for even bringing it up. I tried explaining to her that I don’t get hurt by EVERY joke made about how I look, some of them I can actually laugh about and I will find them funny. Just when it comes to specifically picking out insecurities she knows about, I just don’t really find those funny. I can be called a “big back” , some things can be funny but said in the right context. I was hoping that she would be apologetic but unfortunately not. I pretty much got a “I’m sorry you were offended” rather than “I’m sorry I made you feel that way, that was not my intention”. She told me “I guess our jokes just don’t hit the same anymore and I wont ever make a joke involving that ever again to save my own ass from conversations like this”. Maybe I’m crazy but that was not what I wanted from the conversation. She made it feel like it was SUCH an inconvenience to stop joking about my weight. I also just want to add in here that I have NEVER joked about her appearance or her insecurities so I am honestly confused where she got the idea that those type of jokes would be okay. I even asked her in the conversation if there was anything that I said that would be off limits going forward and she said no.

I am not sure what to do at this point. I can further explain how I have gone above and beyond for her and give further details if anyone needs it. I just have so many memories with this girl, we have gone through so much together and I would really hate to not have her in my life anymore.

Long time ex friend kept joking about being "friends and rivals" with me since we studied BSc together. I never really feel like I competed with him during that time, still I did better after college than hm. We are both gay and used to relate through some shady behaviours as most, but still I considered him my closest friend since I experienced a lot of first times as a young adult with him and trusted him more than anyone. Friendship got old and resentments were there out multiple dramas, but I thought we were over that and still considered him a real one.

After I came back to the country from doing graduate school abroad, we had beef again recently cause he told me through text he was hanging out for the first time with some straight ancient friends I met in middle school. I did not tell him I was in bad terms with one of them to not bias his interaction, but I did texted him a mean joke that compared this straight guy's unpretty fianceé to him since he had found him attractive. Later on he told me they had spoke shit about me to bond with each other in his shady tone, but he still loved me. This was the last drop for me.

I did not find out what exactly had he spoke of me with them but I know he can be cruel and I trusted him too much so my mind blew it out of proportion. I reacted immediately and felt betrayed. It's one thing to speak badly about third ones between friends and I know it's normal, but another is doing this to your close one to connect with some randoms. I know this is something I would not do to him, I just imagined myself throwing flowers to him when talking to other people cause I love him.

I confronted him and told him I was tired of the shadiness and I did not understand why this kind of behaviour/unloyalty does not happen to me with straight friends or more hegemonic looking/confident ones (this ex friend struggles with overweight). I told him I needed a friendship that could be always on my team/defend me when talking to others instead of stuck with this childish competition joke and he previously knew how I valued loyalty out of similar conflicts. He apologized poorly. I did feel badly for implying that he could be envious of me and apologized for the drama later on... but still this has finally ended the friendship.

Is it all my fault for relating to someone through shady codes and then expected him to be decent with me? Was I too harsh when confronting him? I sometimes miss him cause he really was there for me through a lot but I still regret not cutting him off earlier and giving him such a place in my life knowing how much of a hypocrite he can be. Now I know I took to much time to cut him off... but old friendships can carry different meanings during your mid20s

So for context lets reffer guy letter "a" so context is this "a" guy is a worst guy like he abuse girl even in our small frind group we hve one female friend he abuse her slur at her he sl*r or call any girl wh*r b***h like stuff.... so today our female friend asked to return her mkney politly..... he said to her (f**k your a** i took those money as birthday party you f****n b****) at day of friday he said to same to one of our female friend these thing cuz she refuse for bday party as she already have plans i was at rage but i controlled my rage cuz of college gaurd qround thier if i took action i would be in trouble ..... today he crossed line i tell him dont say these you also have your mother ur sister you says these thing to them also?? He said alelele as mock and taking things politly....he said she aint saying anything why u saying i told its not thibg thibg is u abusing her..... this is context what shoudl i do should i cut off from him or what i want to teach real lesson to him... i want he face consiquences..any advice

a year ago. okay almost a year ago. exactly 11 months. i made a post asking for friends. and i got tons of requests. but one stood out. i will call him H. almost all the DMs where men. boys. old men. when H introduced himself i thought from his name that he was a girl. i wasnt familiar with the name soo i didnt know it was a boy's name. when we got each other's snap. he had a boy bitmoji so i knew he was a boy. but he was my age at least so i was like. okay. i can deal with that. when he introduced himself he lied about almost everything. except his age. he lied about his hobbies, his state, his name. he said its because he wasnt sure we'd stay in touch. thought it would last a few days and then silence. i didnt mind really. he was a very fun person. but i need to confess. him and i were equally terrible friends. at first of the friendship i got attached to him fast (toxic part from me) and i used to tell him life without him isnt worth it and I'd probably end it all if him and i stopped being friends. we pulled all nighters alot. even tho we were 8 hours apart. playing truth or dare. the number game. and we had our own thing. yapping time, specific emoji that has a meaning behind it. specific word that meant something else entirely. things no one else could understand. he knew how to talk to me. he knew what to say when i was venting. or having urges. he stayed up all night with me when i had crisis moments. he was there through it all. then. it all changed. 3 months exactly. he started changing. using more..romantic way of talking. for context. him and i were pretty open that we had a crush on each other but not anymore cause we just..lost it over time. but when he started using a romantic way of talking. calling me gorgeous and love. even tho when he asked me later my favorite nickname i told him the nickname he used to call me when we were first friends. he ignored that entirely. he ignored me for hours. left my messages on seen. when i had crisis moments he ignored me that i tried ended myself one night. he started asking for photos alot and saving them knowing that i have a hard time saying no. like when he encouraged me to block a pedo that i couldnt say no to cause i was scared. he started being weird. i knew what he was doing. i knew it all from the very start. but i never said anything. because i was scared to death. i always told myself. he was always there for you. its THE LEAST you could do. then in the new year everything changed. he told me he wanted to talk. i thought i did something wrong or that he might have seen one of my reposts that felt disrespectful for him? but he just got a girlfriend. i was over the moon hearing this. cause a few months before he was venting that maybe love wasnt for him a d i was reassuring him that he will find her soon and i will be her bestfriend, what a fucking joke. i was soo happy. he said he has to put some boundaries. i told him im okay with that! because i was. then his messages got drier. one day i tried engaging a conversation with him. asking about him day. if he wanted to have the yapping time that we have almost everyday. he kept shutting everything down. then i asked him directly if i was bothering him. he said no, he was just tired. i told him i hope he rest well. but it clearly looked like he didnt wanna talk cause that was the last time we talk for 3 months. then a month before my birthday. he unadded me everywhere. i calmly went to discord and told him what i have been holding. i didnt break my promise, you did. because i told him i will never leave. he said it too. and i told him (when we were good friends) if he wanted to leave i wont stop him. he replied. saying that we both broke it. i sent him a screenshot of me months ago saying i will NOT force you. and told him im willing to talk and understand how did i break my promise. he sent a lot of texts gaslighting me. i didnt reply. i unadded him. but exactly 17 days later he made a friend requested. that was strange? i accepted it and asked him a one word question. what. thats it. he didnt answer for 5 days so i unadded him again. its been a month. exactly. everytime i get into midnight crisis i remember his words that we got better without each other and wish i could show him my state. i talked to my school counselor about it. but i was surprised when i told her that i wanted to talk about someone. and then before i could even talk i broke down. ugly tears. hyperventilating. total breakdown. its been 4 months. i dont think i will ever get over the one person that was there for me when no one wasnt. the toxic part from me was that i got attached and would tell him i dont care about my life after you leave. and his toxic part was that he waited. manipulated me to make sure i could never leave. i know it was toxic. but he really was the only one who knew how to talk to me. he was there staying up late when i was through my hardest time

Sorry for the long post:
Just to preface the situation, I have a group of friends, S, C, L, and G. C is diagnosed with various mental disorders (depression, I think BPD \\\[she mentioned she thinks she has this but L said she told her that she lied about getting an actual diagnosis\\\]). S is very non-confrontational and always tends to back down in stressful times.

C was at one of her “low points” again. She is irritable and quick to anger/upset during these times. S was studying for her physics test when C asked if she wanted anything from the snack store. S said no but C got her a cup of ramen (not boiled) anyways. S said she didn’t want it but C kept offering her the ramen. When S didn’t take it, C threw the cup at her and ran away. G and I were there and we immediately asked S if she was ok. S said it did hurt a little but she needed to study so we all decided to keep eating.

2 days later, C approached me and starting a conversation as if nothing had happened. I was uncomfortable as I didn’t know if she had apologized to S yet. While we were getting lunch (our school has packed lunch so we don’t have to eat in the cafeteria), I asked her if she had apologized to S yet. C said no and asked me if I had thought she wasn’t going to. I said of course not, and said that I just thought her apologizing soon would be good. She suddenly started talking about her difficult week and how hard she had been trying, I told her I didn’t want to hear anything about it until she apologized to S. We parted ways and she was crying then. Later, at the area my friends always eat lunch, C approached S and asked to talk in private. A little while later, S came back but without C. G, L, and I asked S if C had apologized to her. S said C hadn’t and had even told her that she actually didn’t feel bad about what she did. But because S wasn’t comfortable with confronting C, she didn’t say anything else and had just left the conversation at that.

C contacted me online and told me how I had overstepped my boundaries as a friend. She said that I always did this when incidents happened and that she didn’t appreciate me deciding things for her. I was very confused at first but I think I can see why she would think this way. I apologized for doing so but told her I wanted to distance myself from her as I wasn’t comfortable with the things she had done. C said she was okay with that and we ended the conversation there.

I found out a bit later that C had talked to S and L behind my back. She called me unsympathetic, judgemental, and said that my eyes had an “inhumane look” (yes, she said this verbatim) when she was telling me about her difficult week. I feel really bad for what happened but I don’t think I’m in the wrong here? G is supporting me, S doesn’t want to bring up the situation again, and L said I did overstep but she understands why I did. What should I have done? Am I really in the wrong?

I’m a 15-year-old girl in high school, and I genuinely can’t tell if I’m overreacting or if my friends are actually mean to me.

I joined a new school in 8th grade and I’m now in 10th. One of my closest friends (“Paige”) is super popular and has been at the school forever, so she knows everyone. We’re in the same class, take the same bus, and spend most of our time together along with three other girls.

At first I thought their behavior was just normal teasing, but now I constantly feel awful after hanging out with them.

They “joke” by ignoring me, walking past me like I don’t exist, excluding me from conversations, making fun of things I say, or making backhanded comments about my appearance/personality and calling it “constructive criticism.” Whenever I get upset, they say I’m too sensitive and that it was “just a joke.”

One time Paige literally dumped half a bottle of water on me because everyone thought it would be funny. I got upset afterward, and instead of understanding why, she kept saying things like “It’s not that deep” and “Can’t you take a joke?” She apologized eventually, but stuff like this happens all the time.

The confusing part is that they’re not mean 24/7. Sometimes they can actually be really sweet, which messes with my head even more. Like one time after they ignored me almost the whole day at school “as a joke,” they surprised me with this really cute picnic setup afterward and acted super nice. Moments like that make me feel guilty for even questioning the friendship because then I start wondering if I’m just dramatic.

But then the next day I’m the punchline again.

Before becoming friends with them, I was never this insecure. Now I overthink everything — the way I look, talk, dress, my personality, everything. Sometimes they point out flaws about my appearance and say they’re “helping me improve,” but afterward I just feel worse about myself.

What’s weird is they also copy me constantly. My handwriting, the way I decorate notes, how I make projects, even little things I say. So sometimes I feel like they secretly admire me, but other times I feel like they don’t respect me at all.

Now it’s summer break, and Paige keeps asking me to hang out. I keep saying no because honestly I just don’t want to anymore. Hanging out with them usually leaves me feeling embarrassed, drained, or insecure afterward.

She got mad after I kept refusing and has basically started ignoring me now.

The problem is I don’t really have other close friends at school, and I still have another school year left with them. I feel stuck because if I distance myself, I’ll probably be alone, but staying friends with them is seriously affecting my self-esteem.

Am I too sensitive, or are these friendships actually unhealthy? I genuinely need advice. 😭

Hi guys, I’m M[20] so the last week i met my friends for a birthday party and it felt very humiliating. I don’t really have expensive nor many good clothes. My parents are both farmers and whatever they earn is mostly spent for my academics only. So the last week my friends started making fun how i always wear the same 3 shirts for a meet-up and in the beginning I didn’t really take it seriously and laughed it off. Later the birthday guy’s other friends joined too and making fun of me around them was very insulting. I just stayed quiet not to ruin the party but after returning back home i felt humiliated. My parents stay in village and whenever i get holidays, mostly i visit my aunts place in the city so i can hangout with my friends. But this time i feel very bad for myself how I’ve almost prioritised hanging out with them instead of being w my parents.
I honestly have no idea how to deal with this I’ve stopped talking to them after confronting how they made me feel. But sadly there’s no one i can call as friends in my college and I’ve to spend almost another 3yrs there. Kinda sucks to be here

I was at a party I didn’t want to go to, with a lot of convincing from Milly and winter, I went.

Then they ditched the party for 10 minutes (winters house is also a 10 minute walk) and I was borrowing winters clothes for the party, and Milly was supposed to be my ride home.

I thought they went to winters house, the hostess friend of the party called them so I talked to them over her phone asking where they were because I didn’t have a ride home.

They laughed at me and said “who are you?” In a joking tone.

Most of the party was in the driveway waiting for them to get back, specifically the hostess’s dad because he’d thought he’d lost two children under his supervision.

They came back and I was upset, Milly came up to me and said “we’d never leave you” but they did…

After leaving the party I ignored them for two days and then sent a huge message explaining how they’re shit friends.

They tried to gaslight me and ganged up on me, even saying “it’s you against us”?? (So cheesy) and they were FaceTiming the entire time and when I asked them to stop they said they had to talk about what to say to me because it was me against them.

Long post sorry

I (20F) have a best friend Britney (not real name) (28F). We met in university, I’m doing my first degree and she’s doing her second, hence the age gap. We get along like a house on fire and study together because we learn the same way.

Last year though, she confided in me that her and her husband have not had any intimacy for the past 2 years and as time went on and she told me more about the situation, I can see how badly this was affecting her. She lost 40 lbs in 2 months, got tattoos and piercings and dyed her hair. Since then, Britney has really ramped up on the self deprecating jokes and sarcastic jokes towards me, for example she will invite me to her place to try something she’s made but will say “I slave while you just sit and eat my food” or I will tell her something about my life and she’ll say “I really didn’t need to know all of that” or she might make fun of me not knowing how to do something or doing things differently. These comments get very frequent and crueler around mutual friends to the point where i don’t think she’s ever said anything good about me to someone else and it almost always tries to make me look dumb or accentuate this dynamic where i would be nothing without her because i depend on her so much when i just depend on her the way normal best friends depend on each other. Ofc the joke is seen as endearing and sarcastic to everyone else but i never speak about her this way despite being there for her through this difficult time in her life without a single complaint.

Britney also never lets me confide in her about anything without making it about herself. Quite unlike her behaviour before the situation with her husband. Comments like “you think YOU have it hard” and things along those lines are often thrown out.

I asked her if earlier this year if she can tone down on the negativity as i’ve lost a friend to unaliving themselves and hate to hear her talk that way and suggested she see someone professional. The jokes stopped for a while but continued around our mutual friends, then slowly ramped back to normal.

We have a lot of mutual friends that we love despite us being the closest to each other.
Britney and our mutual friends often flirt jokingly. I am left out of this quite frequently as I am the youngest in the friend group and all of them view me as a kid still.

This brings me to my issue. Our mutual friends are all people i introduced britney to. Just a couple months ago she told them about the situation with her and her husband. Recently though, she’s been hanging out with them and I am not included or invited. I suspect it’s because she gets some kind of gratification from their attention which I cannot provide because of the group viewing me a kid and “not being able to flirt” with me or it may be that talking to her situation to people that she hasn’t told before gives her new/more validation from multiple sources because she wants to fill the gap of being wanted by her s/o. However I now feel extremely isolated from my friend group. She then talks badly about them to me even though she’s hanging out with them consistently now without me. I considered speaking to her but after everything i described above, i’m contemplating if it’s even worth it. I’m not sure how to move forward here because she wasn’t always like this. She was the best person i knew. I know she’s been through and is going through a lot but i’m just feeling really put down in this friendship for the past year and now i’m being isolated. Not sure if my mutual friends have noticed but it has not been mentioned to me by any of them. I genuinely love her but i’m exhausted. plz help

addition: to add to this draft, our mutual friend, let’s call him Caleb, invited us out earlier this week with some of his friends I’m not particularly close with. Britney told me she’s not going and was adamant about it all week and I told her I’m not going if she’s not going because i don’t really know anyone there other than Caleb. She said she wasn’t going up to today when i told her i might actually attend after all because i was craving a night out. she said “have fun”. I became unsure and said “idk i’ll see how i feel about going later”. Literally 5 minutes ago i messaged Caleb to tell him i’d be there. He said “great Britney confirmed as well looking forward to it”…. I’m even more confused… was she just trying to get me to not come?

TL;DR: My older best friend confided in me about her dead bedroom/marriage issues last year and since then she’s become increasingly negative, sarcastic, and cruel toward me, especially around mutual friends. She constantly puts me down, dismisses my feelings, and makes me look dependent/stupid as a joke. Recently she started hanging out with our mutual friends (who I introduced her to) without inviting me, while still talking badly about them to me privately. I love her and know she’s struggling, but I feel emotionally drained and isolated and don’t know if this friendship is still healthy.

I’ve had this friend who I have known for years. Over the years she went through a lot. She lost her job, got depressed, got evicted, and had to move back in with her parents. Her family situation is really stressful too. Her brother is addicted to drugs and has episodes where he becomes paranoid and aggressive, and it causes constant tension in the family. She also fights with her parents a lot because she feels like they don’t hold boundaries with him and she feels trapped in the middle of the chaos at home. So I already knew she had become more stressed and intense over the years.

We hadn’t seen each other in person in months, maybe close to a year, but it was about to be my birthday and she offered to book me an Airbnb for the weekend and celebrate with me. At first I thought it was really sweet and generous because she paid for a lot and genuinely seemed excited to spend time together again.

Before the trip we spent a day together and she offered to help me by driving me to the vet for my pets and discussing Airbnb plans. There were random moments where her tone would suddenly change and she would get irritated or start correcting me very intensely over little things. It’s hard to explain but she would get emotionally activated really quickly. Her face would change, her tone would get sharp, and I excused this behavior despite the emotional intensity due to the subject being an extremely sensitive topic such as her brother crashing two cars. 

At first I ignored it because I thought maybe she just needed to vent about her home life and I wasn’t understanding the effects of having a brother that is in active addiction.

Then the Airbnb weekend happened.

The confusing part is that she was still technically being “nice” through actions:

• paying for things
• driving me
• helping me
• hosting
• trying to celebrate my birthday

At first it started with small trivial things:

• We sat down on the couch and she immediately asked me to switch seats with her. Then she asked me what I wanted to watch but she really wanted me to watch two specific shows she liked that I have never seen. The entire weekend I felt forced to watch what she wanted. While watching, she would randomly ask me questions about the plot almost like she was testing me to see if I was paying attention enough.
• She watched me while I washed dishes and told me to make sure I cleaned the sink afterward and removed food from the drain.
• We had planned to stay awake until midnight to do a birthday countdown together, but she said she was taking a nap and instead went to sleep at 8 PM and didn’t wake up until the next morning.
• The Airbnb was right on the boardwalk and we had planned to go to the beach on my actual birthday, but we never went because she said she was too tired.
• She mentioned a meme that I didn't know and said what side of Tiktok you on and said that by me watching the new shows she showed me it would “improve my FYP”

Some things that stood out (it gets worst):

She took around 3 hours showering and getting ready while I waited around so I could finally use the bathroom to shower too. Then while I was about to get ready, she started asking me:

• how long I was going to take
• whether I was shaving
• if I was almost done

The Airbnb only had one good mirror in the bathroom, so while she sat there doing her makeup comfortably, I had to sit on the floor using a tiny portable mirror balanced on top of my suitcase to do my makeup.

Even after all that time, she still lagged getting ready and then had ME help set up my own birthday setup because my friends were arriving soon. She had bought:

• balloons
• a cake
• veggie snacks
• a cheese board

but because she still wasn’t ready, I was blowing up balloons and setting things up myself instead of actually feeling celebrated.

Another thing that bothered me was how much waiting around there was the entire trip. One of my guy friends was late meeting us before the club. The meetup was supposed to be at 9 PM, but I was more annoyed with her because she wanted to keep extending the waiting time:

• I first wanted to wait until 11 PM but I pushed back and said no that's late.
• Then being forced to compromise because she said “fine till 10:25 PM”.

while everyone just sat down and did not eat the cake because we were waiting when my guy friend could have met us at the club instead.

On the Uber ride to the club:

• she sat in the front passenger seat
• me and my three friends sat in the back

She was on the phone with my guy friend and whispered something. Then she repeated it out loud saying:
“Sorry, I’ve been hanging out with a bunch of Mexicans all day, that’s why I have an accent.”

That made me uncomfortable because me and all my friends there are Mexican and she’s Iraqi. I honestly felt shocked by the comment. 

Once we got to the club, she actually behaved better in the group setting than she did one-on-one with me, which I was relieved about because beforehand I was genuinely anxious she might be rude or controlling toward my friends too. I actually started heavily drinking before my friends arrived because I was nervous and trying to loosen up. Unfortunately, I accidentally blacked out part of the night.

The next morning is honestly when I started seriously reevaluating the friendship.

I woke up feeling hangover anxiety and asked her if she was hungover too. She said no. I lightly mentioned I was mostly struggling with hangover anxiety, and instead of comforting me she immediately started criticizing my friends from the night before.

She said:

• Friend A talks too loud and too much
• that when Friend A talks it feels like she talks “at you” instead of “to you”
• that both of my girlfriends were “boy crazy on Tinder”
• that Friend B was too quiet and “might as well not even have been there”

Then she started talking about how she herself was trying to be the “group mom” and how she felt offended because one of my friends joked about being the group mom too, which apparently made her feel like she wasn’t doing a good enough job.

She also complained:

• that one friend walked too fast and called her a “skinny bitch” ( I have a similar body to that of the friend she was referring to)
• that Friend B kept giving me shots
• that she herself had to “pretend” to take shots because “that’s what real adulting looks like”

Then she suddenly wanted to “replay” the night and started acting out my behavior from the club. Some of it felt playful, but parts of it honestly felt mocking, especially because I had already told her I was feeling hangover anxiety and embarrassed.

She showed me videos she secretly recorded:

• one of me and my guy friend dancing (he was recording us though and no one asked her to record us dancing… I didn't even know she was)
• another of all of us girls walking arm-in-arm on the boardwalk

In the second video she had the flash on and recorded my face while I was visibly extremely drunk and out of it. I genuinely felt violated and uncomfortable seeing that because I didn’t even know she was recording me at the time. She said it was “for memories,” but it made me feel worse.

At that point I actually started crying because I already felt emotionally fragile.

Instead of comforting me, she immediately started lecturing me about alcohol and brought up the beer situation again:
“You should never drink beer before liquor.”
“Beer before liquor never sicker.”
“I should’ve taken the beer away from you.”

I tried pushing back by explaining:

• I like beer
• I don’t enjoy taking shots like she does
• it was my birthday
• I understood her opinion already

But she kept going and eventually said:
“What are you, a little kid that needs a lollipop?”

That honestly hurt my feelings badly because it felt so insulting and condensing over something such as beer when it was really just the amount of alcohol I had that was the main problem but she refused to accept my truth.

At that point I realized there was no point arguing back because every disagreement turned into a lecture.

Even on the last 24 hours together there were more moments:

• I ran the dishwasher early so we could sleep in before checkout and she checked the dishwasher settings and lectured me about which drying setting I chose
• she corrected me about not closing the wet wipes packet that I never even used once
• she got irritated that I hadn’t put leftover food into a trash bag to make it easier for her to carry out

Meanwhile:

• we were already late checking out
• she herself had overslept
• I had already packed everything the night before so we could leave quickly

On the drive home she started talking about extending her trip in another Airbnb for 4 more days because she didn’t want to go back home while her brother was around. Then she asked me to stay longer with her because: “we never got to go to the beach” and said we could still have so much fun.

Thankfully it was Mother’s Day so I said I had plans with my mom and that I would have to ask my mom for permission but later I lied and told her my mom said no because honestly by the end of the trip I felt emotionally drained. I feel bad for lying but coming home genuinely felt like a breath of fresh air. 

I think after hearing her say that she’s the “mom” of the group made me realize that she sees herself as the leader or mentor which causes her need for control in all things even with friends. But idk I don't like how I felt around her but she did make an effort to book an Airbnb and paid for so much I feel like I owe her. Now I am wondering if this is a friendship worth keeping or should I just cut her off? 

What do you do when you know someone is lying to you, but they keep acting, faking, and maintaining the story as if nothing happened?
Especially when it’s someone you trusted deeply — literally the last person in the world you could imagine lying or manipulating through actions, emotions, or appearances. Someone who always presents herself as fragile, innocent, naïve, authentic, and ‘not the type to lie.’
I think what hurts the most isn’t even the lie itself. It’s the fact that you already see the truth clearly, yet the person still has the courage to look at you and make you feel like you’re wrong, crazy, or imagining things — as if you’re stupid enough to believe everything.
And honestly, with people who look mentally and physically fragile and innocent, it becomes even harder to process, because you never expect that kind of behavior from them.
Do you think it’s a good idea to have one last calm conversation with that person just to explain what hurt you and then decide that the friendship should become more calm and distant afterward? Or is it better to just distance yourself silently?

#Relationships #HumanBehavior #Trust #Deception #Psychology #Manipulation #Gaslighting #Friendship #ToxicFriends #EmotionalIntelligence #SelfAwareness #Overthinking #MindGames #MentalHealth #SocialDynamics

Ok, so I'm going through a very difficult process lately, I've been thinking about terminating a very long lasting friendship with my best friend of 10 years. So basically, back in 2016 or something, I met a girl about my age when I was 7 and I really related to her in many aspects, she seemed to be very timid and an outcast by everyone else in the class (which was the same situation I was in) and she was very nice and respectful. We eventually got very close to the point where we became known as an "inseparable duo" and we basically did everything together. After the lock down in 2020 I started seeing some gradual changes, she became more mature obviously, but she also seemed to subscribe to some very right leaning views on social aspects, I didn't really pay much attention to it since i live in a very right leaning region and I just assumed it was thanks to parental influence or some shit, a couple years past and she became a full blown fanatic politically, she's extremely homophobic and transphobic, she constantly tries to remind me that she "respects gay people but doesn't support them" but I always see her mocking people in same sex relationships and people who transitioned. Even going as far as supporting what Charlie kirk said about trans people. I renember telling her I was an atheist back in 2022 or some shit and she got angry at me and told me that I had to believe in god or something, so I basically had to pretend I magically "became a Christian again" just to appease her because I got scared that'll I'll be rejected by her. Her arguments about her God are fallacious and wacky at best, like the fine tuning argument and creationist arguments, but I have to put on a farce and pretend to agree with her because I struggle with defending my point of view (I have difficult with speech) and she isn't very tolerant of differing opinions. Aside from her religious bullshitery she also believes that the moon landing is fake, that aliens created the pyramids, and that "great flood" happened because humans were breeding with other magical creatures or some insane bullshit. Again, it's impossible to argue with her or to convince her otherwise. She's an extremely toxic person, she talks poorly of people to me behind their backs and makes jokes in my expense and has already told me that if I ever became a "leftist" ie. Communist she'll no longer be my friend. It angers me greatly especially since she's my childhood friend and the only friend I actually have contact with. My other friend I have is extremely socially anxious and never leaves her house, and my toxic friend constantly talks poorly of her to me because she's a pansexual or something. I genuinely cannot take this anymore, I know she's my friend but it gets to a point where this relationship damages me psychologically, so I'm thinking about terminating our friendship this year. I need some advice.

Edit: I forgot to mention that I'll be off to uni next year, I'm planning on delaying my "breakup" to December because it'll be really awkward if I do it in the middle of the year because we have to see eachother everyday and shit. I plan on typing an essay to her when I do so though, I want her to see who I really am and what I think of her.

Hey everyone. Honestly, I’m just devastated right now and really need some outside perspective. This is going to be a long one, so thanks to anyone who sticks through it.

I just ended a 17-year friendship. For nearly two decades, I was this girl’s “emotional container.” I spent countless hours listening to her constant drama, her depression, and her complaints about how life was unfair to her. She’d be in these dark states for years, but never actually did anything to change. I was always there, though sincerely worrying, supporting her, even letting her live at my place for a week after a bad breakup just so she wouldn’t have a total breakdown.

In return? I barely asked for anything. Except for one thing that kept hurting me: she’d constantly ignore my messages. She’d read them, stay active online, watch my stories, but wouldn’t reply for 3–4 days.

I finally had a "heart-to-heart" with her. I told her it made me feel invisible. She promised to try harder, but then, two weeks later same thing. My "how are you?" sat on read for days while she was posting stuff online. I felt physically sick from the disrespect and just deleted the messages. We didn't talk for a month until she sent a casual "what's new?" like nothing happened.

I started pulling away. Cold vibes, minimal effort. She noticed, but didn't even ask what was wrong for months. She only started "chasing" me again when she moved back to her mom's in a tiny town and got bored.

Here’s a snippet of our last "talk":

• Her: I was gonna ask to meet, but I bet you’ll say no, right?

• Me: I can meet. Is there something specific you want to talk about?

• Her: No. We’re not business partners. I just wanted to walk. I’m rarely in the city anyway.

• Me: It’s not about that. You’ve clearly noticed we aren't "us" anymore, so I’m wondering why you want to meet. If it’s just to walk around like nothing happened, I’m not interested.

• Her: Well, I did write to you. Why bother asking what's wrong when it's obvious you don't want to talk. Like I said, you’d just refuse.

The manipulation blew me away. "I assume you'll say no" starting the convo with guilt-tripping? It felt like she just needed a warm body to walk with because she was bored, and she didn't give a damn about my feelings.

Then I found out she’s been writing horrific, hateful comments to strangers online viciously attacking people for having different views. I wrote her a final letter, poured my heart out about my disappointment and how much it hurt to see this side of her. After 17 years of her calling me her "soul sister," she didn't even try to hear me. She turned it all back on me, called me "lazy and stupid," and gave me one last slap in the face.

I’m attaching her replies below. Check out what she said to me:

I don’t know why you think you were a 'backup.' You were actually the only one I talked to. But fine, I won't bother you anymore. Honestly, the values you care about so much? I got bored of them ages ago. They actually disgust me now. My silence isn't a 'sign,' I've just pulled away from everyone. If you’re really this upset over a New Year's text, I didn't realize it was that deep. I only sent it out of habit.

I didn't ask what was wrong because I knew I'd be the villain again. I just didn't want to talk. Maybe if you weren't so bored and had less free time, you wouldn't obsess over every little detail. I’m just surviving my own life right now. And yeah, I don't regret a single word I wrote to those strangers. I write from the heart. My advice? Open your eyes. People are lazy and narrow-minded. Even if this didn't happen, we were done anyway.

Am I crazy here? Was I too harsh, or was this 17-year "friendship" just a long-term lie?

A few weeks ago, I (24F) went out with my close friend, we’ll call him Mark, and his boyfriend, both (26F). While we were out we met someone new who seemed cool at first (25M), we’ll call them Jim. We all exchanged socials and started texting and about two weeks later we hung out with them again in more of a friend group setting. During the hangout, Jim, who is white btw, said the n-word.

I immediately felt uncomfortable, but also stuck because Mark drove us and I couldn’t even Uber bc my keys were in his apt. I told Mark I was uncomfortable and that I didn’t want to continue the night, but instead of saying anything or leaving, he brushed it off and encouraged us to keep hanging out with Jim the rest of the night. When I got home, I blocked Jim because I just didn’t want any type of relationship with him. Apparently I forgot to block him on TikTok though, because later Jim messaged me there trying to justify why it was “okay” for him to say the n-word because of “how he grew up.”

I never even responded to him. In that same message, Jim started insulting me, cursing at me, and generally going off on me, so I blocked them there too. What honestly hurt me the most was my friend’s reaction to all of this. Mark continued staying friends with this person after they not only said the n-word, but then doubled down and started insulting me over it. When I tried explaining why I was upset, he told me things like “it’s between you and them, not me” and “if you were so bothered by him texting you then maybe you should’ve stood up for yourself”.

Now, why would I want to stand up for myself to a person I want no relationship with whatsoever and have no respect for? I just didn’t expect one of my close friends to basically defend the situation or act like it had nothing to do with him when he was the one who brought this person around in the first place. Now things between us are awkward, for obvious reasons, and part of me wonders if I’m overreacting or expecting too much from a friend. But another part of me feels like this is a completely reasonable boundary and that I shouldn’t have to tolerate behavior like that just to keep the peace. Should I even stay friends with my friend or leave the friendship because of this? AITA?

I (21F) am graduating college soon and have been reevaluating one of my closest friendships after a really emotionally difficult year.

My best friend and I used to be extremely close. For years she felt like my “default person” at school. We traveled together, lived together at one point, spent most weekends together, and emotionally I relied on her a lot.

This year though, things started feeling different.
A big part of it involves a guy in our larger social circle (“Timmy”). Years ago they hooked up, but he ended up dating another girl shortly after, which really hurt her. Even after that, she stayed emotionally attached to him for years. Now that he’s single again, she’s been spending a lot more time around him and slowly reintegrating herself into a group of people that I historically have had a lot of tension with.

What makes the situation harder is that their dynamic honestly seems unhealthy. He repeatedly tells her he only wants friendship, has had to set boundaries with her before, and she still continues chasing him emotionally and centering him socially. A lot of her decisions lately seem tied to wanting to be around him no matter what, even after he’s made it clear he doesn’t want the same level of emotional attachment from her.

For context, this group I’m bothered by has talked badly about me before, excluded me, and generally made me feel unwelcome and judged. At one point, both my friend and I distanced ourselves from them, so I genuinely thought we felt similarly about the situation. Over time though, she started becoming closer to them again, largely because Timmy is tied into that group socially.

I think what hurt me most wasn’t even her hanging out with them — it was how she handled my feelings about it.
Earlier this semester we had a huge fight after a night out. We had loosely planned to go out together, but communication throughout the night was really poor. I later realized she had actually gone to pregame with that group and Timmy, then met up with them at the bar while I was left trying to figure out plans on my own.

When I expressed that I felt hurt and unimportant, she became defensive and basically told me:
- she can hang out with whoever she wants
- i can’t control her
- she doesn’t hate those people the way I do
- “things need to change” in our friendship

And logically, I understand all of that. I never wanted to control who she hangs out with. But emotionally, I walked away from that conversation feeling really dismissed and alone and questioning her loyalty.

What hurt most was realizing that when I came to my best friend vulnerable and upset, her response felt more defensive than caring. I didn’t feel understood or emotionally protected at all. I actually did try hard to communicate calmly and honestly throughout all of this, but after repeatedly feeling shut down or misunderstood, I’ve become scared to even bring my feelings up to her anymore because it feels like she fundamentally does not get where I’m coming from or she does and doesn’t want to be honest with her self.

She also failed to reach out to apologize to me after I told her I was upset and took weeks for us to talk again after I reached out first. It made me feel really hurt and sad she wasn’t receiving what I said well even though I just was explaining how I felt hurt by what she was doing.

We eventually “moved past it” because:
- we already had spring break planned together
- it is our senior year
- I was also dealing with a brutal heartbreak at the same time
- and honestly, I didn’t want another painful social situation on campus

So outwardly things became normal again. But internally, something changed for me after that fight.

Recently, some of my other friends asked me how I honestly felt about her getting so close with that group again, and talking through everything brought all the feelings back up. Not just the fight itself, but how unresolved and emotionally lonely I felt afterward.

I don’t think she’s a bad person, and I know she cares about me in her own way. But I also don’t feel emotionally safe with her the same way anymore. I’ve become more guarded. I stopped centering my plans around her. And I started noticing a pattern where I often felt secondary whenever Timmy or that group was involved.

Now that graduation is approaching, I’m realizing part of me may have only “stuck it out” because proximity and routine kept us close. Since then I’ve leaned more into other friendships and realized I do have a strong support system outside of her.

What’s hard is that I still love her a lot and value the history we have. But I also can’t ignore that this friendship hasn’t felt the same to me since that conflict.

Has anyone experienced a friendship where the love was still there, but the emotional trust/safety changed permanently after conflict? How did you know whether to work through it or let the friendship fade naturally?

TL;DR: My best friend became close again with a group that historically excluded/judged me because of a guy she’s emotionally attached to. After I tried expressing that her behavior hurt me, I felt dismissed and emotionally shut down instead of understood. We technically moved past it, but I don’t feel emotionally safe in the friendship anymore and I’m questioning whether we’ve outgrown each other as graduation approaches.

I’ve mostly made up my mind about this but I think it’d be nice to gain some perspective on whether i should send it or not. I ended a friendship last year, we weren’t close but i felt it had to end. I don’t really care about what she’ll think of me after sending this message and I also don’t care for a response. It’s just for cathartic reasons. ok here’s the message:

hey (friend’s name), i hope you’re well.

it’s been a while and id be lying if i said that this message isn’t for myself to know that i at least let my feelings out there no matter the response or lack thereof.

i realised i wasn’t fully honest about my feelings last year for the sake of keeping things smooth but i felt that whenever i tried to express a grievance i was immediately made to feel invalidated or met with conditional apologies or the conversation would subtly shift to your feelings. it felt more like a way to end the conflict (as you had even stated in one of your vn’s to me that you didn’t agree with how i was feeling but just apologised to avoid going back and forth) rather than a genuine attempt to hear where i was coming from. looking back it made me grow resentful and apathetic towards you and i had no desire to make plans.

i do also think there were things that could’ve been done better on my side towards the end of the friendship. this doesn’t change what i said in our last meet up, but i guess this gives more context as to why i felt an ‘emotional wall’. i wish you the best moving forward