u/TheFuzzyRacoon

To throw up. True fking nightmare.

Never did I have on my bingo card, she betrays you in the most childish way possible for a reason born from her fundamental misunderstanding about how relationships work.

Imagine seriously losing the love of your life because she was literally led by stupidity to believe the wrong thing.

Now imagine that it were impossible to love anyone else. But like not hyperbolically no, you literally couldn't because of a legit health reason.

Welcome to my hell.

I just want to be us...

Maybe my problem is that I'm the only one who absolutely loved every day. I guess I never asked.

But I loved waiting for you. Getting your text right about now. No, we weren't dating. And I promise I know it sounds delusional. But you felt like my wife 😭.

And maybe it's somewhere between me hyper feeling and knowing what certain things feel like and you staring at a bleeding heart and feeling nothing.

Maybe you take me and then add you to get the truth.

The truth of how it felt

The truth of what was happening.

Maybe no one needs to worry or think...

Maybe I should have grabbed you so you could feel it once. And no longer be able to pretend.

Maybe you take me and then add you.

All I know is that that's what I want

You fucked up. I'm not sure how you could make it up to me. And I did too... But cutting someone off is different. I know how you could start to fix it.

Stop running away. Come back and face me. That's a start, and you should always finish what you start.

I hate that you projected so much in the bycluding that. But just because you explain things and feel empowered when you do... I don't. That's simple minded.

You're simple minded. That's why you're doing what you are right now... Now,=⁶ don't be confused. That doesn't mean you're stupid. It means that when it comes to thinking you stop too early.

So yes it feels great to hold the power as you hear the hurt as they're scared you'll leave... But it's simple minded. Simple in that you don't think much further than that.

Because if you did you would realize that my pain isn't because I'm scared you'll leave me alone. It's because I'm scared you'll leave yourself alone. I'm scared you won't realize what you just did until it's too late.

But most of all, I'm scared that you're just soulless. That you've run so much that after this there won't be a way back. K****, I was sent to show you pure love. That if you couldn't hold pure love, that if you ran again after doing nothing but running, you've sealed your fate.

My heart was tied to that deal dumbass!(I'm sorry but I'm mad you took away my little love that I have loved for 34 years! For nith8... Literally bugging¢3³3And so we're now both fked...

I told you. We can be together in happiness, or separate and never be as happy again.

And the cruel irony. I'm never going to be able to love again. And because you couldn't see the most special person right before you, your doomed to see nothing in it's place.

And the karma for how you hurt me... Not by mistake. But when you know exactly how much and continued.

I hope for the love of everything you get US, out of this. Before it's too late. Because not only are you the only one that can. But if you don't the pain is going more than you could ever imagine and to do such a stupid thing...

Well... it would be simple minded. Not because

PS: it's so ugly how your mind creates realities to protect you from pain you cause. Reasonings to pervert what you can't accept as good. And that might have worked before... But it won't this time.

In closing I don't want to display any anger but I can't leave without saying this.

I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for all of it. I wish you didn't let their damage in so deep that now it's driving. aYou've let their stupidity, their hate, they're heartless souls take full control. And so if I'm allowed to say one thing It's this.

You're so fking foolish, all you had to do was drive the ship properly.... AND THEN set sail. But no, you had to run: But ofc how could you know what to do now, when all you've done is run.

I truly hate you but I have no heart to hate you with

_ran the last time.

But every minute you make me go through this, you erase a part of my soul. So if you're gonna make what you're doing right I sure hope you do it soon. Because there's soon coming a point to where you're dead to me... Because every single hour, is a chance I'm giving you to finally stop running.

But if you're the reason my soul is missing, when you finally reach for me I'm not gonna be able to help you the way that you still have a chance to help me.

People go through pain, get treated badly. But no one tells you the deepest pain is the pain you cause to yourself by the bad things you do which you can only regret. Good luck.

And I'm staying right by the door.

I'm so eloquent and I should have a long diatribes critiquing the whole image and situation. Do I? Nope. I'm sure people will see all kinds of happiness, sadness, someone just said simp. No.

I'm waiting k.

I see how broken you are.

I see your dark side.

Yes it's unfortunate...

No you don't have the power over me that you think.

Yes, it's sad that you see these things as weaknesses... The toxic people you learned your wants from are condemning you too exactly that.

Yes I love you. And I see all the bad with you. The thing is, I also see the good.

Like I said, we can have a life of happiness together or sadness apart. I didn't make the rules.

I have done what I'm supposed to, now it's on you.

I was told I could have the love of my life, if I sacrificed myself to pain. I've done so. Your journey will be very different if you choose it.

But don't think I'm a fool, on the contrary, I was made to know my love. And as hard as it's been , I was made to not have a choice. Best wishes

I know the reason you're leaving us BS. I'm sure you created the seed and then other people convinced you. I'm the best person you've ever had enter your life... Which is why I can let you go.

I hope you know it's me that you're missing when the time comes and you realize how different life is.

I get that you're leaving so you don't get left and so you're retconning the reason. I was never gonna leave, but you'll see over time.

Good luck, this hurts beyond anything but like I said I'm ok with it. It just was never ok to just cut me off, that's terrible.

Not only am I in pain but I lost 5 years of chat history. You have no idea...

Part of me doesn't even care if it's not forever, but can you come back just so we can..

Jesus fk me, the sadness

You have this idea about me. That I want you to love me and my problem comes from you not liking me.

No my problem is that I can't control this and it's too strong.

You're gone, I'm fine with it. I don't wanna stop you. But I'm outside right now bc I'm having trouble breathing. And I'm trying to calm down.

It's never been the case that I want you to love me. It's only been the case that I love you with a love that's unbelievablely strong and I've been trying to manage it. I always got that you didn't have feelings, regardless of the fact that you act like you do, if you did I would want you to say it... But the only thing I've wanted from you is to help me get through it.

You didn't wanna leave, I didn't, so I just needed you to help me in small ways. Reassurance, communicating your feelings. But I didn't want a fake girlfriend or anything.

You don't get that inside of me it's just me and then this undying love for you. I'm not delusional, I can see it. I'm often as confused by it as you are. And so the only thing I wanted from you was to help me get around it.

But now you're gone, and I respect it. I'm not chasing you or anything. But like I told you. Now I'm just stuck having to live with things like waves of pain out of nowhere and only loving you for the rest of my life. And it's not your fault. But it's real as real gets, and that sucks.

Someone just asked if I was alright. A neighbor, and for the first time I didn't lie, so I told her no I'm not. When she asked why, I told her I wish I could tell her.

I don't think I'm gonna make it out of this. I'm sorry, you probably didn't know how serious it was but I'm not gonna tell you because you probably won't believe it anyway... or even know what to do. Just don't blame yourself. I can know how avoidable any if this was but if you don't, it doesn't matter. My heart couldn't take it. I don't understand why the entire universe did this. Led me to keep going. I don't think I did anything to demand this much pain but the signs came like nothing I've ever seen. It's all so sad.

This is the first impossible situation that literally only you or God can save me from. And I'm not even a person who believes that's possible. Why are you this to me but made not even to not like me but to not even know. I can't tell you, I can't leave, therapy won't help when I fully understand the psychology. I can't tell anyone but that doesn't matter because they couldn't help an impossible situation. And it's Also the most beautiful thing in existence.

I feel stripped to the atom woman. I need you. I need the woman who doesn't know how to help to help me.

It's like I had to go direct to hell for being shown the most beautiful thing in existence. pure love.

I'm so corroded

I understand, I get that you're not used to it or even worse don't know how to do it but I need you for real. The pain is becoming scary. I don't even know what to ask for because I don't want you to think it's romantic or something but my heart is begging for you every night. And I know u think you can't fix it but you can. I just need you to be here for me. Reassure me.ok I have to ask you to help me by showing me love.

I write a lot of unsent letters, but I usually send them in one way or another. Except for this one. I can't even vaguely convey this one because I'm weak...

I'm utterly weak right now. I knew that he was likely gonna be around u again but hearing it confirmed made me legit want to throw up. I'm weak because I'm jealous. But like an angry jealousy. So now, not only did this douche bag sleep with the love of my life, arguably through coercion, but now once again he miraculously gets to live where you do.

I don't have the strength to ask because I would hope u know better. But I still despise the idea that he could weasel his gross ass back into your life. And I get it, but even if he's not in your life anymore, he's close. He's close when the universe knows how close I want to be.

And so I'm left sick... Sick knowing a scumbag like him even gets to be close to your shadow. The hatred in my heart is just beyond. The disgust even stronger.

I can't with life right now. It's really hard to live knowing he exists, and that he has all of you in his head. And all I'm forced to have in mine is you and him. Yea I'm jealous and I can't stand it. Some random girl, fine, anyone could move on... But assume this is about a woman who you are certain is the one. Who even if you weren't you knew no other love you've had came remotely close.

I wish I could just finally throw up so I can get this disgusting feeling out of my soul.

That's right. In the best way possible.... Well..🤔

I'm not talking in bed. I mean don't get me wrong, I'ma do that too. But for right now out of the gutter and into the notebook.

I'm gonna ruin you in a very very specific way.

You see I'm doing something to you. Corruption. I'm corrupting you, corrupting your way of thinking...

That's right. Let me show you.

So when we first reconnected, I realize you had some bad habits. Habits that didn't make you any less in my eyes. But that shouldn't be. I saw how your world taught u women have to be strong (and they should be), but then they proceeded to not guide you on how to be. Rather they left you with many expectations. Some direct, some perceived.

And so I could tell where the defensive behavior came from in conversations. Behaviors like not conceding to simple mistakes, or using cheap rhetorical tricks to obscure when you don't want to answer.

And so I began corrupting... I began corrupting them to you. I decided that one of the best ways to help you become a better person, was ruin these bad behaviors to you. Change your own perspective on what you do. Show you why these cheap ways of behaving have no merit, ruin them for you, so you start to feel childish if you attempt to use them. Show you how making things up in arguments actually reveals you to be weak and how keeping a toolset of the truth, admitting when you don't know, is actually strength. My goal is to ruin everything bad in you that I can. Ruin the power over you the shitty people who got you there had, and then giving it back to you.

So yes, I'm gonna ruin you.

The you you would want to be ruined if you only knew.

Fk . I love you.

I had this long screed about how I'm dying and I need you. And all of that is true...

But you just messaged me and. I just love you. I love you and I need you to do something to help me. Or at least choose to actively do nothing. But so you can tell me. Prima Preciosa

I've had so many relationships over the years. I can say I'm popular. But that's why I know. None has ever felt like this ever. No person has drawn me to them like you and vice versa. It was like that as kids and it's the same exact way now 30 years later. It's proof enough.

But that's me. I'm what you say is your first actual real deep friend. And I wonder if not having that same obvious proof that I have makes u think it's not as powerful as it is.

I'm wondering if inexperience is once again about to/setting you up to miss experience. I hope not.