u/StupidBitch-47382

Your gorgeous green eyes pierce right through me.
Your deep voice soothes my soul. Sing to me, please.
Your accent makes my heart flutter.
I adore your smile.
I’ve seen grey hairs appearing on you and they are the most beautiful silver I’ve ever seen.
Your sense of humour tickles my funny bone.
Your touch sends electricity through my skin.
The way you bite the skin on your fingers in non-stressful situations; the way you put your hands in your pockets when you’re not sure about the person or when you’re nervous …
I notice it all.

I want your body, and I want your heart. I want your soul.
I want to make this go away.

Oh, I’m royally screwed.

It’s been a while…

So much has happened since I last wrote about you.
For months and months I thought about that night and wished that instead of doing what you did , you just gave me a straightforward answer.

Even if it’s a no, I said. Even that would be better than wondering.

I pushed. Hard. I held my breath and threw all my cards on the table, and I’ve never seen temptation like that in a man’s eyes before. You said that you couldn’t have been more obvious (I disagree), but I heard hesitation in your voice.

Well, I finally got an answer, and it’s a no. Oh boy, was I wrong. A no did not feel better than wondering whatsoever. You were so gentle about it , which made it worse.

I can see something in your eyes , still. You expressed what seemed like genuine regret in saying no. But that doesn’t even matter anymore.

I still have to see you semi regularly and act like none of this ever happened , like we weren’t intimate, like the words you have said to me and the way you looked at me isn’t swirling around in my head constantly.

My feelings are obviously deeper than yours , and I think it was always mainly about your lust for you. The few people that know think you actually like me, but I’m not so sure. Again, not that it matters.

I want to give you what you asked for, but I cannot be your friend.

My self-esteem is in the dumps. My pride is hurt. My brain is confused. And worst of all, my heart still yearns for you.

You did leave a small crack in the door, but I’m locking it. I can’t do this anymore.

I’m sorry if I hurt you by avoiding you, but I don’t know what else to do. This is done. I need to grieve and move on from this.

See you around.

If I’m getting over you , and I am , why do you still invade my thoughts so abruptly?

I still wonder what it would have felt like to have your warm lips on mine … just once maybe ? Would it have been a kiss of slow burning passion , conveying feelings that we would never dare to speak? Or would it have been rough and impatient, representing the breaking point of tension from us holding back for so long ?

What would it have felt like if you were allowed to always look at me like you did that one night ? For me to be allowed drown in those green eyes ? To hear your deep voice speak softly, full of the emotion you had to hide?

What would it have been like to be yours ?
I will never know. I’m okay with that now , but I don’t know what to do with these thoughts.

I wonder if they will ever go away….

I tire of your games.

Are you going to be mean , or nice ? Are you going to pursue , or stay away?

I noticed the date and realised that soon it will be 9 months since my first feelings arose and all of this started to spiral.

I think that’s enough.
My feelings for you have been gradually drying up the last month and I am finally okay with it. I am finally okay with letting you damage our connection.

You ran out the clock. You can’t seem to make a choice so I’ll make one for you …
Mean or nice , I don’t care. But stay away. You can’t have me anymore.

Our connection has been on life support.
The diagnosis ? Neck-breaking emotional whiplash and starvation.

Terminal.

Sometimes I saw you sitting by its bedside, looking at it fondly. Sometimes it even looked like you were trying to save it. Most of the time, though, you were gone. I stayed, desperately trying to keep it alive while knowing it’s doomed.

I understand why you starved us. I should have done it sooner, too. I held out hope for some sort of a friendship, but you chose the "nothing" part of all-or-nothing. And you could not have been more vague about that decision.
For months, we danced this exhausting dance. You get close, then you pull away harder and colder every time. I am sick of wondering which version of you I am getting each time I see you. The nice , warm , charming man from last year? Or the cruel, nonchalant stranger from this year?.

I’ve accepted that you were never actually going to choose me.
I’ve accepted that you don’t care about my feelings.
I’ve accepted that you have no interest in me as a person.
I’ve accepted that ,for you , it was just physical from the get go and I’ve been a fool.
I’ve accepted that our moment last year was just that…a moment and nothing more.
I’ve accepted that you’re simply not who I thought you were.

Most of all, I’ve finally accepted you so indecisively killing our connection . And I’m not stopping you anymore. In fact , consider me your accomplice in this murder.
I’m unplugging the life support and walking away.

You want to keep your life ? Then keep it fully as it is. I withdraw completely.

Wow wow wow. This morning I was still pining over you when someone ,who doesn’t know anything about us (and therefore has no reason to lie) , slipped up.

They told me something you did that was absolutely disgusting. Just like that, my feelings evaporated.
I wish someone told me this months ago when I was begging to be released from my feelings for you.

Usually my gut feelings are correct about people , but once in a while I am wrong. But how could I have been THIS wrong?

You aren’t who I thought you were.
God I’m so glad your lips never touched mine.

Goodbye forever.

I want to know what it feels like to be intimate with you. Not in a sexual way , but in a real way.
I want to see what look you get in your eye and the way you smile when we are thinking the same thing.
I want to know the way your voice sounds when you work through a problem with me because you care and you want to be with me.
I want to feel your arm slide around me and pull me closer to you in the middle of the night.
I want to know your interests. How long have you played that sport ? Why did you pick it? What do you like about it?
Do you prefer to be at home or away? Do you like beach holidays? Will you join me if I get a bit silly? How much money is too much money for groceries? Will you make jokes about how I’m bankrupting us because of my love for sushi and salmon?

I want to know the silly little quirks you have. Do you whistle when you cook? Do you look out the window when it’s raining and say “we really needed this”?

I want to know you in this way. But I can’t and I never will. You’re not mine to know.

If I could go back in time , I would give in to the moment of weakness and just kiss you. I wouldn’t walk away. Most days I am relieved I didn’t, and I am sure you are too. But do you also sometimes find yourself wishing you just kissed me too? Do you think about it even just for a split second when you look at me now?

It is incredibly rare to meet someone and share chemistry in every single form. Physical, emotional, romantic, intellectual, and humour. We have all of it. Yet, we miss the one crucial element…timing.

I have zero doubt we could been something real before we made our life-altering choices. I think you know it too, which is why you asked me that question.

Our choices first turned us into a painfully impossible situation. Now, we are completely incompatible.

Yet all that chemistry remains.

I am struggling to accept that something so rare will just go to waste.
I cannot let us become close. I am sorry, but keeping you in my life as a casual acquaintance is the only boundary that protects my heart. So, I have to let the deeper potential go, even when it’s the last thing I want.

I do not know how to accept this loss. How did you do it? Or have I been alone here this whole time?

I can’t help it .

I want to look at you all the time , but I try not to. I want to be close to you , but I try to stay away. I want to talk to you , really talk, but I stick to the basics. I want you to hold me but I pull away after a socially acceptable amount of time. I want to stare into your eyes again, but I avoid them.
Am I slick? Or can you tell?
Am I fooling you as well as you are fooling me ?

…Are you fooling me? Or did it really fade for you?

Yes, I still have feelings. I honestly thought I had a breakthrough and my feelings were disappearing. But you look at me with those eyes and I immediately forget about it all. It’s so easy with us, so incredibly easy. The second we interact ,just me and you , I can feel it. The spark , the chemistry… it’s all still there. If we were to share a genuine moment alone , I just know that things would escalate like they did last time.

When you look at me , do you still want to kiss me? Do you think about how you almost did? How I wanted you to? Do you think about what you said to me? I do all the time.

Maybe this time we shouldn’t hesitate. Let me taste your lips , let feel your hands on me, let me experience you looking at me like that again. I want to know what it feels like to be cared for by you , even if it’s for a brief moment before reality sets back in.

But you are so good at convincing me that you feel nothing. That you have forgotten. That it meant nothing.

To : Moment Man

I actually think you meant it , that’s what is crazy about all of this. You meant that night. I saw it in your eyes. I heard it in your trembling voice.

But, I know now that even though you may have meant it , it doesn’t matter anymore. And maybe that is wishful thinking , maybe it honestly never mattered to you.

I mistook tender moments , lingering glances , flirtatious comments , little inside jokes and beautiful smiles you gave just to me for something real.

I have mistaken breadcrumbs for feasts , fooling myself all while knowing that it is not enough. I knew what was happening . My mind was screaming at me telling me that my heart is in grave danger, but I wanted the moments to continue. I couldn’t get enough. And for me to get my fix , I had no choice but to muffle my logical voice. She was bound, gagged and beaten within an inch of her life at my hands.

It was worth it at the time.

I betrayed myself.

I dug trenches and holes so deep for you in my mind and heart, i have to flood them to get out. But I am almost certain that I will drown. So I stay here, shamefully picking up your breadcrumbs but no longer mistaking them for feasts.

For now it’s better than drowning, I guess.

I was willing to break every promise I’ve ever made if you had given me the smallest of gaps.

How dehumanising.

You were right there with me. The way you looked at me when you almost kissed me , the way you alluded to deeper feelings …. And now you want to walk it all back and act like none of it happened.

You’re a coward