r/dad

Dads, my partner and I have an 11 month old and since he was born there has been an obvious decline in both physical affection and sex. I'm curious how other people have dealt with this? Is this the same for your relationship?

We have a 5 week old and my wife’s time to sleep is 8pm until around 1am, or if my son allows and I manage to fall asleep on the sofa, 2am.

For me, the first couple of hours is easy, but if my boy isn’t settling and grabbing an hour or two nap is out of the question, my AirPods absolutely get me through and music or a podcast is a welcome distraction.

What’s your go to when you’re on the ‘night shift’ and your partner is sleeping?

The moment I became a father, my whole world changed. It wasn’t just me and my wife anymore. We had someone else with us, someone whom we just… made. Parts of me and parts of Mum, all bundled up into you.
I remember it like it was yesterday. Driving down to the hospital, Mum’s water broke halfway there, and she was hanging onto the grab handles doing her deep breathing techniques. When we got to the hospital, she was already too far gone, and our entire birth plan went straight out the window! We were placed in any available room and the nurses got right to work. My wife was chugging back the gas like it was a cigarette. I was trying not to peek down below to see what was going on, but then I caved in, peeked, and saw half the baby’s head poking out, a sight that left a permanent scar in my memory!
Within thirty minutes, our beautiful little baby girl was born. It was the weirdest feeling I have ever felt. My world changed. Everything changed. There was no more playing Stardew Valley and scoffing an eighteen inch pizza together almost every night, no more going out drinking with my mates, it all changed. Little did I know, it was for the best.
I know this next part sounds a bit funny, but there was none of that fancy stuff you see in movies, where the baby is born and the parents instantly fall in love. They just kind of come out, cry, eat some boob, you hold them, and then… they are your responsibility forever. It was just so surreal! You don’t have this instant connection to them, and I feel like people who say those things are lying to themselves. One minute they aren’t there, and the next they are. You can’t honestly say you deeply love this small thing you’ve only seen for a few minutes. It’s like picking up a small bird from the floor that you’ve just found. It’s crazy.
But I will tell you something… if you ever feel the same way I felt, it gets better. The love comes naturally, and they become your EVERYTHING!

I am writing a novel and I'm here to ask for a simple request. Can you describe every detail everything you were feeling, when you were in the hospital as your wife gives birth. every senses, every body parts, were you moving your foot or some part of your body were like tight or your stomach feeling like collapsing? Like go into really deep details.

One of the first conversations I’ve had with my 5 year old this morning. I’m trying to explain to him that we’re not actually poor, we’re just average but his mind is set.

I've just finished a 13 hour day with my 3 year old son. He is, without a single doubt, the craziest wee lad on earth. He didn't stop moving in that 13 hours nor did he stop talking.

Most of the moving involved him climbing on me with his super pointy feet, knees and elbows. Most of the talking involved him shouting either demands or random keek I'd say myself.

Today was alot. It was also great.

I hope I remember this day when he's older.

What are the age gaps between your kids?

Is there an "ideal" gap in your opinion? Looking for key takeaways/insights for smaller gaps and larger gaps.

Also curious what you would define as small gaps and large gaps.

I’ll start in the comments.

I’m curious about the range of fathers we’ve got in here.

How old were you when you became a father — and looking back, did you feel ready?

I was 30 btw.

Biological dads, stepdads, adoptive dads, foster dads — however fatherhood found you, I’m interested.

Hi!

I just had my very first baby, a son, 6 weeks ago. From the time I found out I was having a boy I knew I wasn’t going to have him circumcised. His dad was not and it didn’t bother me or his dad and I’ve had relationships with other men who also were not and it didn’t bother me or them. So to me, up until now I’ve just considered it pointless pain for a baby.

But the other day I had a male friend call me and asked me if I got him circumcised and when I said no, he said “he’s going to wish you did when he’s older”

So now I’m having second thoughts. For men who have not been circumcised, do you wish you had been? For men who have been, do you ever wish you had not been?

For anyone that had to have it done for medical reasons, what was your experience like? What was the medical reasons? Early retraction? Infection? Too much skin?

For men who did it for cosmetic reasons do you have any regrets about your decision?

Any dads who did or didn’t circumcise their sons can you share your thoughts or experiences?

I wanna do right by my son,

Thank you ♥️

Before we start talking about everything we’re struggling with, I want to start Fatherhood Rebuilt with a different question.

What kind of father are you trying to become?

Not what kind of father are you right now.

Not whether you’ve screwed up.

Not whether your marriage is perfect.

Not whether you’ve lost your temper.

Not whether your relationship with your kids looks exactly how you want it to look today.

I’m asking:

When your children are grown and somebody asks them what it was like having you as their father… what do you hope they say?

Maybe:

“My dad was present.”

“I could talk to him about anything.”

“He kept his word.”

“He taught me how to handle life.”

“He loved my mom well.”

“He admitted when he was wrong.”

“He made me feel safe.”

“He broke cycles that had been in our family for generations.”

“My dad showed me what faith looked like, not just what it sounded like.”

Whatever your answer is, put it below.
Because here’s something I believe:

Fatherhood changes when we stop measuring ourselves only by yesterday’s mistakes and start getting clear about the man we’re building tomorrow.

That’s what Fatherhood Rebuilt is about.

We’re going to help each other close that gap.

So here’s your first assignment in this community:

Finish this sentence in the comments:

“When my children are grown, I want them to say their father was __________.”

Don’t overthink it.

One word.

One sentence.

A whole paragraph.

Whatever comes out.

I’ll go first in the comments.

— Spence Harris
The Daddiez Coach
Brick by brick. 🧱

My father made me strong. He also made me understand, from a very young age, how cruel and unforgiving the world can be.

But when I look back, most of what I learned from him came through what I would call negative inputs.

I’m 25+, financially settled, and doing reasonably well in life. For almost every good thing about the person I am today, I give most of the credit to my mother. She is a simple woman, but she has always been a genuinely good mother.

My relationship with my father has always been different.

I have often felt that he puts himself first. Not necessarily because he is incapable of doing more, but because he rarely feels the need to go out of his way for anyone else.

It may sound like a small or stupid example, but it says a lot to me.

Suppose there are ten chapatis and seven of them are burnt while three are perfectly fine. He will take those three good ones for himself and leave the burnt ones for the rest of us, my mother, my sister and me.

That has been the pattern I remember.

As a child, I don't remember my father buying me toys on his own. Throughout my childhood, I got maybe five toys. And for almost every one of them, I remember having to cry and plead until he finally agreed.

We were middle class, but he was earning reasonably well at the time. So it was never really about whether he could afford a toy.

Maybe he genuinely believed that buying toys would spoil a child. Maybe that was his way of parenting. I don't know.

But children don't understand such reasoning. They simply remember whether their father wanted to do something for them.

Yesterday, I finally said something that had been sitting inside me for years.

We had an argument, and my father said that he had done the best he could and that he couldn't have done more.

I told him, "You were not a good father."

He immediately said that he had done everything he could.

That sentence has been bothering me ever since.

Because I don't think my problem is that he didn't give me enough. My problem is that I don't remember him ever going out of his way for me.

When I was around 14, I cleared JEE Mains with a rank of around 35k without coaching. I had always been one of the toppers in school, largely because of the push and support I received from my mother.

I had attended trial classes at a coaching institute and was ready to join. The fee, after I received a discount based on their entrance test, was around 75k for two years.

My father said he couldn't afford it.

My mother had to cry and argue with him before he finally agreed. But by then, I was scared. He kept telling me, "What if you don't clear the exam after we spend 75k?"

I was 14.

I didn't understand finances. I just understood that my education was becoming a financial risk for my family.

So I told them I didn't want the coaching.

Later, because I belonged to the OBC category, I got admission opportunities in NITs and DTU for the branch I wanted. But my father wanted me to study in our hometown because he was constructing a house there and wanted someone to keep an eye on the construction.

So I stayed.

I took a state entrance exam that I never really wanted to take, still managed to get a good rank, and eventually received a scholarship.

I don't say this to claim that my life would have been perfect if my father had made different decisions.

Maybe it wouldn't have.

What hurts is the fact that whenever there was a choice between what was convenient for him and what was important to me, I rarely felt like I was the priority.

There is another memory that has stayed with me.

When I was in 8th grade, I participated in a city-wide drawing competition. A lot of students had participated, and I was confident that I had a good chance of winning.

I told my father.

After I finished my drawing, he had somewhere else to go, a party. So he took me with him before the prize distribution.

I came first.

The prize was a geared cycle.

Because I wasn't there when they distributed the prizes, I never received it.

I know it's just a cycle.

But that's not what I remember.

I remember being a child who had achieved something and wanting his father to be there.

He wasn't.

And maybe that's the difference between what my father thinks he gave me and what I feel I received from him.

He thinks he did the maximum he could.

I don't think he understands that doing everything you can isn't always about money.

Sometimes it's about showing up.

Sometimes it's about giving up your comfort.

Sometimes it's about letting your child feel that his happiness matters to you.

Sometimes it's about taking the burnt chapatis yourself.

My father was terminated from his company during layoffs. I understand that life hasn't always been easy for him. I understand that he had responsibilities, pressures and his own struggles.

But having struggles doesn't automatically make every decision right.

And being a provider doesn't automatically make someone a good father.

The only reason I still live with him is my mother. She can't imagine living without him, even though I have seen the way he treats her.

My sister is married now and, thankfully, she is happy.

And despite everything, I still do things for my father. I still try to take care of him. I still want good things for him.

Because he is my father.

That's the part I don't understand about myself.

Even when someone doesn't treat you well, some part of you still wants to do the right thing by them simply because they are family.

But lately, I feel the cost of carrying all of this.

I'm becoming more short-tempered. Things that shouldn't bother me do. I find myself carrying years of frustration into completely unrelated situations.

And I don't know what the right answer is anymore.

So I want to ask you guys something:

How far should a father go for his child?

Is there a limit?

Is being a provider enough?

Is saying "I did the best I could" enough?

Or does being a father sometimes mean going beyond your own comfort, convenience and limitations because your child needs you?

I don't expect a father to give his child everything.

But I do believe a child should feel, at least sometimes, that his father chose him over himself.

I don't think I ever felt that.

And perhaps that's what hurts the most.

Me and my wife of nearly 6 years have split up.

We have been together 9 and a half years with 2 young boys and have now split up. She wanted to break up so I moved to my parents house as being around her is too painful and it’s broke me.

She has been speaking to another guy abroad and sending explicit pictures, and it’s not the first time that this has happened. She has done this before and I keep forgiving her to try and fix our family.

My kids are so upset that I’m not at home and keep asking when am I coming back.

How do I tell them I can’t come home and that it’s not their mums fault without them blaming me?

I miss my family man.

I am struggling with this so bad. I can’t seem to give up on her and let her go but she’s already over me.

Any tips would be much appreciated.