u/Leisurecentrelad

The moment I became a father, my whole world changed. It wasn’t just me and my wife anymore. We had someone else with us, someone whom we just… made. Parts of me and parts of Mum, all bundled up into you.
I remember it like it was yesterday. Driving down to the hospital, Mum’s water broke halfway there, and she was hanging onto the grab handles doing her deep breathing techniques. When we got to the hospital, she was already too far gone, and our entire birth plan went straight out the window! We were placed in any available room and the nurses got right to work. My wife was chugging back the gas like it was a cigarette. I was trying not to peek down below to see what was going on, but then I caved in, peeked, and saw half the baby’s head poking out, a sight that left a permanent scar in my memory!
Within thirty minutes, our beautiful little baby girl was born. It was the weirdest feeling I have ever felt. My world changed. Everything changed. There was no more playing Stardew Valley and scoffing an eighteen inch pizza together almost every night, no more going out drinking with my mates, it all changed. Little did I know, it was for the best.
I know this next part sounds a bit funny, but there was none of that fancy stuff you see in movies, where the baby is born and the parents instantly fall in love. They just kind of come out, cry, eat some boob, you hold them, and then… they are your responsibility forever. It was just so surreal! You don’t have this instant connection to them, and I feel like people who say those things are lying to themselves. One minute they aren’t there, and the next they are. You can’t honestly say you deeply love this small thing you’ve only seen for a few minutes. It’s like picking up a small bird from the floor that you’ve just found. It’s crazy.
But I will tell you something… if you ever feel the same way I felt, it gets better. The love comes naturally, and they become your EVERYTHING!

The moment I became a father, my whole world changed. It wasn’t just me and my wife anymore. We had someone else with us, someone whom we just… made. Parts of me and parts of Mum, all bundled up into you.
I remember it like it was yesterday. Driving down to the hospital, Mum’s water broke halfway there, and she was hanging onto the grab handles doing her deep breathing techniques. When we got to the hospital, she was already too far gone, and our entire birth plan went straight out the window! We were placed in any available room and the nurses got right to work. My wife was chugging back the gas like it was a cigarette. I was trying not to peek down below to see what was going on, but then I caved in, peeked, and saw half the baby’s head poking out, a sight that left a permanent scar in my memory!
Within thirty minutes, our beautiful little baby girl was born. It was the weirdest feeling I have ever felt. My world changed. Everything changed. There was no more playing Stardew Valley and scoffing an eighteen inch pizza together almost every night, no more going out drinking with my mates, it all changed. Little did I know, it was for the best.
I know this next part sounds a bit funny, but there was none of that fancy stuff you see in movies, where the baby is born and the parents instantly fall in love. They just kind of come out, cry, eat some boob, you hold them, and then… they are your responsibility forever. It was just so surreal! You don’t have this instant connection to them, and I feel like people who say those things are lying to themselves. One minute they aren’t there, and the next they are. You can’t honestly say you deeply love this small thing you’ve only seen for a few minutes. It’s like picking up a small bird from the floor that you’ve just found. It’s crazy.
But I will tell you something… if you ever feel the same way I felt, it gets better. The love comes naturally, and they become your EVERYTHING!

Day 19

When I was a kid, let’s say around seven or eight years old, I was full of wonder and curiosity. And when I say that, I don’t mean by half measures! I used to throw all my toys into a black bin bag, sling it over my shoulder, tell my father I was off on an adventure, say my goodbyes, and hide in the woods all day. Now, to anyone else, that small patch of woodland was just a few trees and bushes. But to me! That was a magical forest! With trees as tall as the sky and branches that spun off for miles, where every leaf told its own story.
My favourite part of this woodland was the big old oak tree, smack dab right in the middle of the woods. It was as wide as a car and as tall as a house. I used to climb it daily! Halfway up the old oak was a huge branch, I’m talking triple sofa level wide, not your standard two seater. I’d drag my black bin bag full of stuff up that tree and just stare off into the distance… it was the highest point of my hometown. I felt free up there. I felt exactly how I imagined the tree to feel.
I could see for miles and miles. There weren’t many mountains or hills where I grew up, mostly flatlands and small hills, so I was seeing right over to the next couple of towns. In the eyes of a seven or eight year old kid, that view wasn’t the next couple of towns over, it was completely different countries! New countries! They hadn’t even been discovered yet! I was going to be the fearless adventurer to discover them! But not today. I was happy enough dreaming about it all, with my toys, up a tall oak tree, just being me.

The sirens flashed straight past me like a blur of light. People were running off in all directions. I had no idea what the hell was going on. I stood there, still, in the midst of all this commotion, smoke, and sirens blaring, my hands clasping tightly on my new potted orange tree. I came into town today just to pick up this bloody tree. I’d been so excited to start growing an orange tree in my garden for ages! The one day the nursery has them in stock… this happens.
You’re probably wondering what the heck is going on, so let me fill in the gaps. As you already know, I was in my local rundown town in the middle of the UK. The buildings are barely hanging on by threads, and it’s the same with the people. I was walking down the lane towards my destination when a local crackhead carrying an empty looking beer crate came power walking past me, shoulder barged me, then started to run.
Now, this is where it gets weird! I got a small glimpse into what was in his beer crate, and let’s just say it wasn’t beer. The only way to describe it was a green, tiny, Pikachu looking creature. I honestly thought I was tripping or something. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. It made a weird sort of gargling noise as it bounced around in the box. I shook my head in disbelief and just carried on into the plant nursery to collect my orange tree.
A few seconds later, sirens were blaring, and around five police cars came speeding down the lane towards the direction of the crackhead and his box. I walked along the fence to see where the police cars had stopped, it was the local playing fields. The police officers were all on the floor, and the crackhead was holding up his weird green frog like Pikachu like a football trophy. But it got even more freaky: the frog thing’s eyes were glowing yellow, almost like a high powered streetlight.
Now, I’ve seen my fair share of anime and movies. I know for a fact that those frog thing eyes are dangerous! So, I walked back around the fence, holding tightly to my new orange tree. You won’t believe what happened next! There was a huge bang! Smoke bellowed through the park and out into the street where I was stood. Seconds later, the crackhead came out from the park corner, LITERALLY FLOATING! He was holding on to this creature still, but he was in midair. I remember thinking to myself, my wife’s lasagna was pretty questionable, but I don't think she would have put any hallucinogens in it.
I’m pretty sure that the Pikafrog was the thing in control right now. It was absolutely terrifying! But funnily enough, all I could do… was laugh. Police vans, crackheads, wailing alarms, explosions, and then a frog creature with glowing eyes comes floating around the corner, skinny ass legs dangling and flopping around in the wind. They floated right past me. I got in my car and just sat there with my orange tree for a bit.

Day 20

The sirens flashed straight past me like a blur of light. People were running off in all directions. I had no idea what the hell was going on. I stood there, still, in the midst of all this commotion, smoke, and sirens blaring, my hands clasping tightly on my new potted orange tree. I came into town today just to pick up this bloody tree. I’d been so excited to start growing an orange tree in my garden for ages! The one day the nursery has them in stock… this happens.
You’re probably wondering what the heck is going on, so let me fill in the gaps. As you already know, I was in my local rundown town in the middle of the UK. The buildings are barely hanging on by threads, and it’s the same with the people. I was walking down the lane towards my destination when a local crackhead carrying an empty looking beer crate came power walking past me, shoulder barged me, then started to run.
Now, this is where it gets weird! I got a small glimpse into what was in his beer crate, and let’s just say it wasn’t beer. The only way to describe it was a green, tiny, Pikachu looking creature. I honestly thought I was tripping or something. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. It made a weird sort of gargling noise as it bounced around in the box. I shook my head in disbelief and just carried on into the plant nursery to collect my orange tree.
A few seconds later, sirens were blaring, and around five police cars came speeding down the lane towards the direction of the crackhead and his box. I walked along the fence to see where the police cars had stopped, it was the local playing fields. The police officers were all on the floor, and the crackhead was holding up his weird green frog like Pikachu like a football trophy. But it got even more freaky: the frog thing’s eyes were glowing yellow, almost like a high powered streetlight.
Now, I’ve seen my fair share of anime and movies. I know for a fact that those frog thing eyes are dangerous! So, I walked back around the fence, holding tightly to my new orange tree, and quietly got the fuck out of there.

Day 19

When I was a kid, let’s say around seven or eight years old, I was full of wonder and curiosity. And when I say that, I don’t mean by half measures! I used to throw all my toys into a black bin bag, sling it over my shoulder, tell my father I was off on an adventure, say my goodbyes, and hide in the woods all day. Now, to anyone else, that small patch of woodland was just a few trees and bushes. But to me! That was a magical forest! With trees as tall as the sky and branches that spun off for miles, where every leaf told its own story.
My favourite part of this woodland was the big old oak tree, smack dab right in the middle of the woods. It was as wide as a car and as tall as a house. I used to climb it daily! Halfway up the old oak was a huge branch, I’m talking triple sofa level wide, not your standard two seater. I’d drag my black bin bag full of stuff up that tree and just stare off into the distance… it was the highest point of my hometown. I felt free up there. I felt exactly how I imagined the tree to feel.
I could see for miles and miles. There weren’t many mountains or hills where I grew up, mostly flatlands and small hills, so I was seeing right over to the next couple of towns. In the eyes of a seven or eight year old kid, that view wasn’t the next couple of towns over, it was completely different countries! New countries! They hadn’t even been discovered yet! I was going to be the fearless adventurer to discover them! But not today. I was happy enough dreaming about it all, with my toys, up a tall oak tree, just being me.

Day 19

When I was a kid, let’s say around seven or eight years old, I was full of wonder and curiosity. And when I say that, I don’t mean by half measures! I used to throw all my toys into a black bin bag, sling it over my shoulder, tell my father I was off on an adventure, say my goodbyes, and hide in the woods all day. Now, to anyone else, that small patch of woodland was just a few trees and bushes. But to me! That was a magical forest! With trees as tall as the sky and branches that spun off for miles, where every leaf told its own story.
My favourite part of this woodland was the big old oak tree, smack dab right in the middle of the woods. It was as wide as a car and as tall as a house. I used to climb it daily! Halfway up the old oak was a huge branch, I’m talking triple sofa level wide, not your standard two seater. I’d drag my black bin bag full of stuff up that tree and just stare off into the distance… it was the highest point of my hometown. I felt free up there. I felt exactly how I imagined the tree to feel.
I could see for miles and miles. There weren’t many mountains or hills where I grew up, mostly flatlands and small hills, so I was seeing right over to the next couple of towns. In the eyes of a seven or eight year old kid, that view wasn’t the next couple of towns over, it was completely different countries! New countries! They hadn’t even been discovered yet! I was going to be the fearless adventurer to discover them! But not today. I was happy enough dreaming about it all, with my toys, up a tall oak tree, just being me.

Day 18

I’m getting tired now. Tired of wandering, of the same chit chat everywhere I go, of miserable people all over the realm, and of life. Don’t get me wrong, there’s more than enough beauty and beauties here to keep me alive and well for many more years! But it’s just all so similar. You wander into a new town, sample the food, drink, women, and then leave without a trace. Sure, it was great for the first twenty years! But I’m old now. I’m retired. I just don’t know what I’m searching for anymore, but something still calls to me.
The wanderer came to a halt in the path. He looked up and saw them crouched down, arrows pointed right towards him. He raised his hands in the air and dropped his bag.

“I bring you no harm, I am merely passing through,”

said the man in a calm voice.

“Then go round! Humans are not wanted here!”

replied the woman, venom in her tone.
Now, if I’m correct, these are tree elves and I have stumbled upon their hidden village. When I say hidden, I mean hidden! No human has found this in over a hundred years…

“Well, human, get moving or we will make you!”

I looked down at my hands, and then my feet, just to check if they were ready for action, if they still had fight left in them. Then I looked up towards the elves.

“The only place I’m going is through your village, you pointy eared fucks!”

As soon as the words left my lips, a barrage of arrows flew towards me almost instantly! All that was left on the gravelly dirt path was a bunch of broken arrowheads and a dust cloud. I was overwhelmed! I still had it! My lightning fast reflexes still worked, it had been over a decade since I’d used them. Once the cloud cleared, I raised my hands and shouted:

“You missed! Please, try again!”

Day 17

Agent Jones turned to look at Agent Williams—well, what was left of him anyway. A cloud of thick dust rained down where former Agent Williams had stood. His clothes fell to the ground and landed neatly on top of his sleek black, well-polished winklepickers. The dust cloud started to settle. I say dust cloud—it was essentially Agent Williams's ashes! I couldn’t get the taste out of my mouth; I was coughing like a madman! It was as if he exploded and someone popped a bag of flour over me. Once I got the taste of… Agent Williams out of my mouth, I got my shit together and calmly assessed the situation. The small fairy eyed me up and said:

“Now human, if you don’t want what happened to your friend to happen to you, then you’ll tell me what the humans are doing in my forest!”

First of all! I couldn’t believe I was actually talking to a real life fairy! It was bloody nuts! Second of all, she just turned probably the hardest, most experienced agent on the force into a fucking sack of dust with the flick of a wand. There’s no way in hell I’m not gonna tell her the truth!

“The humans are planning on building a comms centre. It’s so they can gather information and communicate better in the forest,”

I said nervously. Any second I could get turned to dust like Williams. A bead of sweat dripped down my face, but I tried to stay calm.

“We Fae don’t want this comms centre here in the forest! We don’t want you humans in this forest, let alone stupid, ugly buildings! You get bad signal in this forest because our magic interferes with it. It’s not a case of a low signal zone, it’s us! We don’t want it!”

She was getting slightly aggressive; her tone was changing.

“Does the signal affect your magic, by any chance? I’m only asking so I understand a little better to help you.”

I had a plan. If it didn’t work, I’d be toast—or should I say dust.

“Yes, the Wi-Fi signals make our magic—”

WHAM!

I slapped the little turd straight out of the air! She screamed in pain as her tiny body hit the ground. Without a second thought, I full-force stomped on her.
CRUNCH!
That was the end of that little twat.

“That’s for Williams…”

I turned around and walked off, still patting and dusting off my suit. I couldn’t help but wonder what part of Williams I was touching. Funny, I know, but I was just curious if his old man arse was on my suit somewhere or if that’s what ended up in my face… I was laughing and almost retching thinking about the whole situation.

Day 16

“Dad, what’s a real man? I heard someone say it today.”

“Well, son, it all depends on the person!
Everyone is different and thinks differently.”

The kid scratched his head and looked intently at his dad.

“So, if everyone thinks a real man is something different, then there isn’t such a thing as a real man?”

The kid's dad laughed and poured himself a cup of coffee. He sat down at the table with his son, who was patiently awaiting his answer.

“I guess you’re right, kid,”

said Dad, taking a swig of his hot coffee.
The kid looked up at his dad from across the table, mouth half full of breakfast cereal.

“So then what do you think a real man is, Dad?”

The dad scratched his chin as if he was searching for the right answer.

“Well, in my opinion, I think a real man is someone who is very caring, loving, and does what they can to help others.”

“And what about other people? What do they think?”

“Well, the majority of people seem to think about the main three: strong, smart, and handsome. So I guess that’s probably what they would say.”

The kid stared inside his empty cereal bowl, looking at his own reflection in the shiny silver spoon.

“But what’s the point in being super strong if you’re not going to save anyone? Or super smart if you’re not going to build things to help people? And why does being handsome even matter? When we get old, we’re all wrinkly anyway!”

The dad looked at his son. A single tear rolled down his face—it was a tear of happiness.

“You know what, son?”

said the dad, wiping his tears away before his son could notice.

“What, Dad?”

the son replied curiously.

“I think you’re a real man, son. You just carry on as you are and you’ll be alright.”

The dad put out his hand for a high five, and the son did the same.

“Good one, boy! Now let’s go annoy your mum!”

They both shared a laugh and ran into the living room together.

Day 16

“Dad, what’s a real man? I heard someone say it today.”

“Well, son, it all depends on the person!
Everyone is different and thinks differently.”

The kid scratched his head and looked intently at his dad.

“So, if everyone thinks a real man is something different, then there isn’t such a thing as a real man?”

The kid's dad laughed and poured himself a cup of coffee. He sat down at the table with his son, who was patiently awaiting his answer.

“I guess you’re right, kid,”

said Dad, taking a swig of his hot coffee.
The kid looked up at his dad from across the table, mouth half full of breakfast cereal.

“So then what do you think a real man is, Dad?”

The dad scratched his chin as if he was searching for the right answer.

“Well, in my opinion, I think a real man is someone who is very caring, loving, and does what they can to help others.”

“And what about other people? What do they think?”

“Well, the majority of people seem to think about the main three: strong, smart, and handsome. So I guess that’s probably what they would say.”

The kid stared inside his empty cereal bowl, looking at his own reflection in the shiny silver spoon.

“But what’s the point in being super strong if you’re not going to save anyone? Or super smart if you’re not going to build things to help people? And why does being handsome even matter? When we get old, we’re all wrinkly anyway!”

The dad looked at his son. A single tear rolled down his face—it was a tear of happiness.

“You know what, son?”

said the dad, wiping his tears away before his son could notice.

“What, Dad?”

the son replied curiously.

“I think you’re a real man, son. You just carry on as you are and you’ll be alright.”

The dad put out his hand for a high five, and the son did the same.

“Good one, boy! Now let’s go annoy your mum!”

They both shared a laugh and ran into the living room together.

Day 15

“Order, order! Order in the court!”

The judge slammed down his hammer, the pressure rippled through his tentacles.

“Planet Alpha 60, yes or no?”

The crowds turned to silence and all that could be heard was the clicking of the yes and no devices built into the platforms that the council sat at.

“The votes are in and Planet Alpha 60 will be popped. Does anyone have any swaying words to save this planet before the pop?”

The judge said with his large tentacle on the pop button.

“No, it’s a shit hole!”

Shouted a small green furry Furby-looking creature near the back of the stand. The room erupted in laughter and no one said a word once the laughter died down.

“Ok, bye Planet Alpha 60.”

There was a large screen in the middle of the room showing a live stream of the planets up for popping. As the judge's tentacle pushed the button, the planet literally just popped like a balloon! The jury went mental! Cheers and gobbles and god knows what other sounds were made, but there was a lot going on.

“Ok, order, order! Order in the court!”

Yet again, just like before, the judge slammed down his large hammer.

“Planet Earth, yes or no?”

The screen showed a video of humans running around playing in fields and swimming in lakes, lots of cushy stuff and all sorts of flora and fauna. But then… they showed humans killing animals and burning forests down! The jury started shouting and… gobbling, I think.
Then… it moved on to chemicals being pumped into the seas, ocean life dying, global warming, power plants! Greed! You name it, the Earth was fucked! The crowd were getting aggressive and rowdy!

“Order in the court!”

Shouted the judge! The room went silent and the screen turned back to the live planet view.

“Ok, Planet Earth, yes or no?”

The crowd started to click…

Day 14

“Grandad, please tell us about the mermaid again!”
The two small kids said in unison, bouncing around excitedly.
“Ok, ok, settle down little ones, where do I begin?”
The two kids sat right in front of Grandad's rocking chair. Legs crossed and ears wide open.
“Go on then,”
One of the kids said, chuckling to himself. Grandad grabbed his remote from the small wooden table next to his chair, pressed the small round button on the remote, and the lights started to dim. The two kids looked up at the lights dimming slowly, wide-eyed and surprised by Grandad's magic.
“The first time I met the mermaid… sorry, the Mermale. He told me the human media has it all messed up and the males in his species are called Mermales. Anyway, the first time I met the Mermale I was only sixteen years old. I’d just finished high school and some of the local kids were partying down on the beach. Now, I wasn’t the coolest kid around, but I also wasn’t the lamest either—a nice, comfortable middle ground was me. We all partied, everyone went home, I was the last one to go. As I was walking off that night, I saw someone lying on the sand with a towel over him.
“Hey, dude!”
No reply. I walked closer to inspect what was going on. It looked like he was asleep.
“Hey man! Wake up!”
I shouted and tried to lightly roll him over with my foot. He rolled over and the towel fell off his lower body. My mouth hit the floor! His bottom half was just like a fish's! Well, human legs, but a large shark-like tail. But nonetheless, it was absolutely crazy to look at!
“Holy mackerel!!”
I shouted and jumped back!
The fish man opened his eyes and said,
“Holy mackerel? Nah, I’m not a Christian.”
He laughed a good, hearty belly laugh and proceeded to stand up.
“What do we have here then, human boy?”
He said, eyeing me up and down, tail swaying in the sand.
“Well, I thought you were an injured human. So I came to try and help you! But you're a… mermaid or man or…”
I didn’t know what to say at all. So I just stared at him looking gormless.
“First of all,”
Said the Mermale, pointing at me.
“I’m not a merman or a mermaid! I am a Mermale! I have no idea where you humans came up with the names for us! It’s laughable! And second of all! What’s that over there!?”
I turned around to see what the Mermale was looking at… there was nothing. I turned around to see the Mermale far out into the water. I waved at him, he raised his middle finger at me and swam away. Lovely guy he was.

Day 14

“Grandad, please tell us about the mermaid again!”
The two small kids said in unison, bouncing around excitedly.
“Ok, ok, settle down little ones, where do I begin?”
The two kids sat right in front of Grandad's rocking chair. Legs crossed and ears wide open.
“Go on then,”
One of the kids said, chuckling to himself. Grandad grabbed his remote from the small wooden table next to his chair, pressed the small round button on the remote, and the lights started to dim. The two kids looked up at the lights dimming slowly, wide-eyed and surprised by Grandad's magic.
“The first time I met the mermaid… sorry, the Mermale. He told me the human media has it all messed up and the males in his species are called Mermales. Anyway, the first time I met the Mermale I was only sixteen years old. I’d just finished high school and some of the local kids were partying down on the beach. Now, I wasn’t the coolest kid around, but I also wasn’t the lamest either—a nice, comfortable middle ground was me. We all partied, everyone went home, I was the last one to go. As I was walking off that night, I saw someone lying on the sand with a towel over him.
“Hey, dude!”
No reply. I walked closer to inspect what was going on. It looked like he was asleep.
“Hey man! Wake up!”
I shouted and tried to lightly roll him over with my foot. He rolled over and the towel fell off his lower body. My mouth hit the floor! His bottom half was just like a fish's! Well, human legs, but a large shark-like tail. But nonetheless, it was absolutely crazy to look at!
“Holy mackerel!!”
I shouted and jumped back!
The fish man opened his eyes and said,
“Holy mackerel? Nah, I’m not a Christian.”
He laughed a good, hearty belly laugh and proceeded to stand up.
“What do we have here then, human boy?”
He said, eyeing me up and down, tail swaying in the sand.
“Well, I thought you were an injured human. So I came to try and help you! But you're a… mermaid or man or…”
I didn’t know what to say at all. So I just stared at him looking gormless.
“First of all,”
Said the Mermale, pointing at me.
“I’m not a merman or a mermaid! I am a Mermale! I have no idea where you humans came up with the names for us! It’s laughable! And second of all! What’s that over there!?”
I turned around to see what the Mermale was looking at… there was nothing. I turned around to see the Mermale far out into the water. I waved at him, he raised his middle finger at me and swam away. Lovely guy he was.

Day 13

I stood there, mouth wide open, gawping, as a fifty-foot giant! Yes, I said giant! Like the ones from the fairy tales, just a bit more rugged with skin that looks like stone, emerged from within the mountain. A giant set of arms ripped its way out of the mountain side, parting the top like it was made of cardboard. I only went to the local corner shop to grab some milk for my cereal, and now I’m stood here, in my outdated Christmas Grinch pajamas, watching an actual giant rip through a mountain. Bear in mind it’s the middle of August, so I was kinda hoping no one would see me in these Grinchy bad boys. Anyway, rocks were crumbling down from the mountain tops and sirens could be heard from all directions! I had to get back to my family. I ran back to my car as fast as I could. My hands were shaking, I couldn't find the keyhole.
“Stay calm, James,”
I said out loud. After a few deep breaths I was off, sirens and police cars and helicopters flying past at maximum speed.
“Fuck it.”
I floored it. I got home, ran inside the house, one foot in and one out the door so I could keep an eye on the giant.
“You forgot the milk again, didn’t you!? You stupid man!”
My wife said, angrily pointing at me.
I don’t know what’s worse, my wife or the bloody giant.
“Get in the car now! There’s a giant in the mountains! Everyone’s in danger! NOW!”
I shouted and grabbed her by the arm and pulled her out to the garden.
“Oh my god, what the hell is that!?”
Said my wife, bewildered by the sight of the giant, fifty-foot, rock-like creature.
“Get in the car now!”
We finally made it to the car, and we drove as far away as possible. We didn’t stop for nothing.

Day 13

I stood there, mouth wide open, gawping, as a fifty-foot giant! Yes, I said giant! Like the ones from the fairy tales, just a bit more rugged with skin that looks like stone, emerged from within the mountain. A giant set of arms ripped its way out of the mountain side, parting the top like it was made of cardboard. I only went to the local corner shop to grab some milk for my cereal, and now I’m stood here, in my outdated Christmas Grinch pajamas, watching an actual giant rip through a mountain. Bear in mind it’s the middle of August, so I was kinda hoping no one would see me in these Grinchy bad boys. Anyway, rocks were crumbling down from the mountain tops and sirens could be heard from all directions! I had to get back to my family. I ran back to my car as fast as I could. My hands were shaking, I couldn't find the keyhole.
“Stay calm, James,”
I said out loud. After a few deep breaths I was off, sirens and police cars and helicopters flying past at maximum speed.
“Fuck it.”
I floored it. I got home, ran inside the house, one foot in and one out the door so I could keep an eye on the giant.
“You forgot the milk again, didn’t you!? You stupid man!”
My wife said, angrily pointing at me.
I don’t know what’s worse, my wife or the bloody giant.
“Get in the car now! There’s a giant in the mountains! Everyone’s in danger! NOW!”
I shouted and grabbed her by the arm and pulled her out to the garden.
“Oh my god, what the hell is that!?”
Said my wife, bewildered by the sight of the giant, fifty-foot, rock-like creature.
“Get in the car now!”
We finally made it to the car, and we drove as far away as possible. We didn’t stop for nothing.

Day 13

I stood there, mouth wide open, gawping, as a fifty-foot giant! Yes, I said giant! Like the ones from the fairy tales, just a bit more rugged with skin that looks like stone, emerged from within the mountain. A giant set of arms ripped its way out of the mountain side, parting the top like it was made of cardboard. I only went to the local corner shop to grab some milk for my cereal, and now I’m stood here, in my outdated Christmas Grinch pajamas, watching an actual giant rip through a mountain. Bear in mind it’s the middle of August, so I was kinda hoping no one would see me in these Grinchy bad boys. Anyway, rocks were crumbling down from the mountain tops and sirens could be heard from all directions! I had to get back to my family. I ran back to my car as fast as I could. My hands were shaking, I couldn't find the keyhole.
“Stay calm, James,”
I said out loud. After a few deep breaths I was off, sirens and police cars and helicopters flying past at maximum speed.
“Fuck it.”
I floored it. I got home, ran inside the house, one foot in and one out the door so I could keep an eye on the giant.
“You forgot the milk again, didn’t you!? You stupid man!”
My wife said, angrily pointing at me.
I don’t know what’s worse, my wife or the bloody giant.
“Get in the car now! There’s a giant in the mountains! Everyone’s in danger! NOW!”
I shouted and grabbed her by the arm and pulled her out to the garden.
“Oh my god, what the hell is that!?”
Said my wife, bewildered by the sight of the giant, fifty-foot, rock-like creature.
“Get in the car now!”
We finally made it to the car, and we drove as far away as possible. We didn’t stop for nothing.

Day 12

“Carrot in hell, scumbag!”
Said the Vegetarian. He quickly manifested two carrot-shaped blades from his hands and sliced off the bad guy's head. Walking back to his secret hideout within his old family barn house, he stops and stares towards the farm that his grandfather used to love.
“Jeez, that’s where it all started. I miss you, Pops.”
A single tear rolls down the Vegetarian's face. He wipes it off and continues into his secret base.
A small voice echoed through the barn house as he entered:
“And where have you been!?”
It was Peahead. He literally has a pea for a head! I mean his head is actually a pea! It just has human features on there too, it’s kinda messed up.
“Serving up some greens,”
Replied the Vegetarian, throwing himself into a hay bale to relax.
“Good one. Are you ever going to stop with the puns? They are kinda lame.”
The Vegetarian raises a finger at Peahead and a dozen tiny garden peas fired out and hit him in the head.
“What the fuck, man!? Why? That hurts!”
Peahead shouted as the small peas bounced off his, well… large pea head.
“The puns are here to stay. But we aren’t, we have business to attend to…”
Before he could finish his sentence, a black SUV came bursting through the side of the barn and bullets fired out both windows!
“GET DOWN, PEAHEAD!”
Peahead didn’t manage to get down… he lay on the floor, green ooze spurting out of his large weird pea head.
“NOOOO!!!”
Screamed the Vegetarian at the top of his voice! His hands started glowing so bright the shooters couldn’t look. They started to flicker, and all of a sudden the two visible shooters exploded… but no blood and gore, they burst violently into a bunch of different vegetables! The vegetables hit the ground with a dull thump. As the Vegetarian caught his breath back, he walked towards the last man in the car.
“Looks like it’s time for a beetdown! This one’s for you, Peahead!”
He dragged the last man out of the car! His hand flashed purple and two large beetroots appeared in the shape of a nunchuck! He pretty much just killed him and laughed and killed him some more and laughed some more. After that, the Vegetarian traveled the world fighting crime and delivering justice, and most importantly… making sure bad guys didn’t forget their greens.

Day 11

“Man, sometimes I just wish that they would give us a chance. I mean, yeah, we eat them, but we want to live beside them too!”
Clarence said, chugging back his last Heineken beer.
“Yeah I feel you, they always seem so cautious around us, it’s like, hey dude, look at me! I look just like you! I’m literally wearing a skin suit of another human! What more do they want!? Catch!”
Dale replied, throwing over another beer to Clarence. Clarence didn’t catch the beer and it burst open on a small sharp object sat next to him in the cave.
“Dale, you idiot!”
Clarence said before putting his mouth over the spraying hole and gulping down like his life depended on it.
“My bad.”
“Clarence?”
Said Dale in a soft tone.
“Yes Dale, what do you want? Don’t get all soft on me now you’ve had a drink.”
Dale rubbed his elongated sharp fingertips around his beer rim, looking thoughtful.
“Do you ever think that we shouldn’t be killing and eating humans? Or wearing their skin too? Do you think it hurts them?”
Clarence took a deep breath.
“Listen Dale, humans make that loud screamy cute noise when they enjoy things! When we take their skin off they wobble around and make the noise! That’s what Dad told us anyway! So stop overthinking it and just enjoy it.”
“But there’s just part of me that thinks that maybe they don’t enjoy it, y'know?”
“Well, maybe you're right. If it makes you happy, we can put some skin on and go try to talk to the campers who just pulled up near the old lake right now if you want to?”
Dale jumped up and let out a loud, horrific, primal scream that echoed through the valleys!
“Do you really mean it, Clarence?!”

Day 10

There’s a tree in my Nan's back garden, it’s older than my Nan and probably even her Nan too! It’s bloomin' massive! You could live in it! Well to be honest, that’s what this story is about! People living in my Nan's tree. When I was younger, we used to play around the massive oak tree in Nan's garden, we had rope swings on it, we had a treehouse in it, we did it all, we just really enjoyed the tree. Thinking back, there was always something slightly eerie about the door-looking hole at the bottom. It was just like a natural door had been placed at the bottom of the tree and been sealed off. It wasn’t a door, it just looked like a door. Anyway, every night when I slept over Nan's house, I’d hear a creeping noise coming from the garden. When I crept over to the window to have a peek, I’d see nothing! Just a normal garden and a normal large tree! But there was this one time. Just like clockwork, I hear the noise, I creep over to the window wrapped up in my blanket like a Christmas pig. I peek out of the window towards the garden, and I swear! Hand on heart! I saw a small green man-like creature walk right out of the door-like hole on the tree! He walked out, grabbed a few branches off the floor, toe-bunged a football, made a high-pitched squeak, bounced around a little bit and then hobbled back into the tree door. It was the most unusual thing I had ever witnessed. The next day I was eating breakfast with Nan.
“Nan,”
I said, catching her eye.
“Yeah my dear,”
She said in her usual soft voice.
“I saw the people who live in the tree last night, Dad told me they weren’t real!”
“They are real my dear, your father just didn’t believe enough.”