u/thatbelfastguy

I've just finished a 13 hour day with my 3 year old son. He is, without a single doubt, the craziest wee lad on earth. He didn't stop moving in that 13 hours nor did he stop talking.

Most of the moving involved him climbing on me with his super pointy feet, knees and elbows. Most of the talking involved him shouting either demands or random keek I'd say myself.

Today was alot. It was also great.

I hope I remember this day when he's older.

As my father lay dying in his hospital bed, his mother angrily blamed me for him getting cancer. He died a few days later.

She then treated me really badly at his funeral.

She died the year after and I didn't go to her funeral.

I don't regret this but am still angry about it all.

Especially people over 20.

Stop it. You should know better.

If the call you're on is gonna somehow lead to the planet's salvation then fair enough.

Otherwise, knock it on the fucking head you obnoxious gimps.

Nobody on the train needs to hear about your shitty holiday in Spain or how your fibro is flaring up. It can wait.

And before anyone says, I've never been on a train without headphones. Makes no difference.

Also, I don't care if people have hearing difficulties. You're using public transport. Time and a place.

You could be in a great mood, loving life, but every time you say something it comes out like an attack/insult/criticism.

And you're aware it's happening as it's happening but you can't stop it. Trying to explain goes the same way.

It's very frustrating.

This is how normal people from my neck of the woods actually talk.
(Just the one's starting by A)

a pace – at peace – quietly – still

a face only a mother could love – ugly

a face like a baten bear – ugly

a wee cup a tae in yer han – a cup of tea

afeard – scared

ah – me

ah could see ye far enough – you are driving me crazy

ah coulda ate the arse af a baby through the cot bars – i was really hungry

ah way – a wee – a little bit

ah’ll gee ya a slap in the kite – i shall slap your face

ah’ll knack yer ballax in – i will beat you senseless

alright? – hello

all the best! – good bye!

amptnah? – aren’t i?

an owl looking out of an ivy bush – you could do with either brushing or cutting your hair

any more of this and there’ll be less of it! – stop it or else!

are ye away? – are you leaving?

are ye deef? – are you finding it hard to hear me?

are ye gettin’? – are you being served?

are ye havin’ a laugh? – are you kidding?

arse – bottom

as dark as toby’s hole – as dark as the pit of hell

as rough as a badger’s backside – less than sophistocated

as tight as a duck’s backside – mean with money

away in the head – stupid

away on! – you’re kidding!

away ta fuck – oh come on now, you don’t mean that! or go away please

awful – very “thon boy’s awful nice!”

a wee want – as in “thon doll has a wee want” – meaning that the girl in question is a sandwich short of a picnic or her mental capacity is dubious

aye – yes

This is how normal people from my neck of the woods actually talk.

A

a pace – at peace – quietly – still

a face only a mother could love – ugly

a face like a baten bear – ugly

a wee cup a tae in yer han – a cup of tea

afeard – scared

ah – me

ah could see ye far enough – you are driving me crazy

ah coulda ate the arse af a baby through the cot bars – i was really hungry

ah way – a wee – a little bit

ah’ll gee ya a slap in the kite – i shall slap your face

ah’ll knack yer ballax in – i will beat you senseless

alright? – hello

all the best! – good bye!

amptnah? – aren’t i?

an owl looking out of an ivy bush – you could do with either brushing or cutting your hair

any more of this and there’ll be less of it! – stop it or else!

are ye away? – are you leaving?

are ye deef? – are you finding it hard to hear me?

are ye gettin’? – are you being served?

are ye havin’ a laugh? – are you kidding?

arse – bottom

as dark as toby’s hole – as dark as the pit of hell

as rough as a badger’s backside – less than sophistocated

as tight as a duck’s backside – mean with money

away in the head – stupid

away on! – you’re kidding!

away ta fuck – oh come on now, you don’t mean that! or go away please

awful – very “thon boy’s awful nice!”

a wee want – as in “thon doll has a wee want” – meaning that the girl in question is a sandwich short of a picnic or her mental capacity is dubious

aye – yes

B

bake – face or mouth

ballex – that’s rubbish! (bollocks as in balls as in testicles)

balloon – eejit

baltic – really cold -” it’s baltic out there!”

banjaxed – broken

bap – bread roll

barred – a death sentence as it means you are not allowed in the bar

bate – beat – “bate thon egg for ma will ya?”

beezer! – great!

beg – bag

big lad – man

big mawn – man

big girl’s blouse – he needs to harden up – as in “thon boy’s a big girl’s blouse!”

bladdered – drunk

bleeding – polite way of saying bloody – as in “that was bleeding fucked” – yep, you would be polite and not say bloody and then go on to say fuck or a variation of it

blitzed – drunk

blocked – drunk

blootered – drunk

blurt – rude young man – “thon wee lad is a dirty blurt!”

boggin – dirty/messy/horrible – “thon doll has a real boggin house!”

boney – bonfire

’bout ye! – how are you?

boys a dear – oh my word!

boys a dear, my guts are bad! – oh dear i have stomach ache!

brave – quite large/good – “thon was brave good”

brass monkeys – as in “it’s like brass monkeys out there” – it’s cold out there

breeks – trousers – as in “Auntie Ali!!! My breeks are falling down” – a direct quote from my niece at the country club summer fair while bouncing on the bouncey castle causing my sister, her mom, to blush and walk away leaving me to laugh at the looks

brew – unemployment benefit – can refer to the building where you claim it too

buggered – broken

C

calm yer knickers – calm down

catch yerself on! – wise up!

catch yer head on! – wise up!

catch on! – wise up!

champ – mashed potatoes with scallion in a volcano formation with half a pound of butter melting in the hole

chancer – someone trying to con

chase yerself! – go away!

cheeky wee get – cheeky chap

cheesie beano – chips (french fries) covered in baked beans and grated cheese

chicken – scared

chile – child

chip buttie – chips (french fries) in a buttered bap

chippie – fish and chip shop

chipper – fish and chip shop

clabber – sticky mud or being covered in something – “he was clabbered”

clampit – idiot

clart – dirty “look at tha clart on yer hands!” or bit of a one “she is one dirty clart!”

class – great/good

clean your clock – smack in the face

contrary – argumentative

cool yer jets – calm down

costume – really old fashioned for outfit – “thon doll looks like a dogs dinner in thon costume!”

coulda ate the decorations aff a hearse – very hungry

coulda ate the poultice aff the head of a scaby chile – very hungry

could eat an apple through a tennis racquet – has prominent front teeth

could ye face? – do you want?

craic – (prononuced crack) – fun “the craic was ninety!”

cracker – good

cream crackered – tired out

crittur – creature/person

cudden – couldn’t

culchie – someone who doesn’t live in the city

cut – drunk

This is how normal people from my neck of the woods actually talk.

A

a pace – at peace – quietly – still

a face only a mother could love – ugly

a face like a baten bear – ugly

a wee cup a tae in yer han – a cup of tea

afeard – scared

ah – me

ah could see ye far enough – you are driving me crazy

ah coulda ate the arse af a baby through the cot bars – i was really hungry

ah way – a wee – a little bit

ah’ll gee ya a slap in the kite – i shall slap your face

ah’ll knack yer ballax in – i will beat you senseless

alright? – hello

all the best! – good bye!

amptnah? – aren’t i?

an owl looking out of an ivy bush – you could do with either brushing or cutting your hair

any more of this and there’ll be less of it! – stop it or else!

are ye away? – are you leaving?

are ye deef? – are you finding it hard to hear me?

are ye gettin’? – are you being served?

are ye havin’ a laugh? – are you kidding?

arse – bottom

as dark as toby’s hole – as dark as the pit of hell

as rough as a badger’s backside – less than sophistocated

as tight as a duck’s backside – mean with money

away in the head – stupid

away on! – you’re kidding!

away ta fuck – oh come on now, you don’t mean that! or go away please

awful – very “thon boy’s awful nice!”

a wee want – as in “thon doll has a wee want” – meaning that the girl in question is a sandwich short of a picnic or her mental capacity is dubious

aye – yes

B

bake – face or mouth

ballex – that’s rubbish! (bollocks as in balls as in testicles)

balloon – eejit

baltic – really cold -” it’s baltic out there!”

banjaxed – broken

bap – bread roll

barred – a death sentence as it means you are not allowed in the bar

bate – beat – “bate thon egg for ma will ya?”

beezer! – great!

beg – bag

big lad – man

big mawn – man

big girl’s blouse – he needs to harden up – as in “thon boy’s a big girl’s blouse!”

bladdered – drunk

bleeding – polite way of saying bloody – as in “that was bleeding fucked” – yep, you would be polite and not say bloody and then go on to say fuck or a variation of it

blitzed – drunk

blocked – drunk

blootered – drunk

blurt – rude young man – “thon wee lad is a dirty blurt!”

boggin – dirty/messy/horrible – “thon doll has a real boggin house!”

boney – bonfire

’bout ye! – how are you?

boys a dear – oh my word!

boys a dear, my guts are bad! – oh dear i have stomach ache!

brave – quite large/good – “thon was brave good”

brass monkeys – as in “it’s like brass monkeys out there” – it’s cold out there

breeks – trousers – as in “Auntie Ali!!! My breeks are falling down” – a direct quote from my niece at the country club summer fair while bouncing on the bouncey castle causing my sister, her mom, to blush and walk away leaving me to laugh at the looks

brew – unemployment benefit – can refer to the building where you claim it too

buggered – broken

C

calm yer knickers – calm down

catch yerself on! – wise up!

catch yer head on! – wise up!

catch on! – wise up!

champ – mashed potatoes with scallion in a volcano formation with half a pound of butter melting in the hole

chancer – someone trying to con

chase yerself! – go away!

cheeky wee get – cheeky chap

cheesie beano – chips (french fries) covered in baked beans and grated cheese

chicken – scared

chile – child

chip buttie – chips (french fries) in a buttered bap

chippie – fish and chip shop

chipper – fish and chip shop

clabber – sticky mud or being covered in something – “he was clabbered”

clampit – idiot

clart – dirty “look at tha clart on yer hands!” or bit of a one “she is one dirty clart!”

class – great/good

clean your clock – smack in the face

contrary – argumentative

cool yer jets – calm down

costume – really old fashioned for outfit – “thon doll looks like a dogs dinner in thon costume!”

coulda ate the decorations aff a hearse – very hungry

coulda ate the poultice aff the head of a scaby chile – very hungry

could eat an apple through a tennis racquet – has prominent front teeth

could ye face? – do you want?

craic – (prononuced crack) – fun “the craic was ninety!”

cracker – good

cream crackered – tired out

crittur – creature/person

cudden – couldn’t

culchie – someone who doesn’t live in the city

cut – drunk