u/Agitated_Fisherman50

My Love,

I know everything is extremely hard on you and complicated right now. I had to do something today to protect myself and our little family and I know it hurt you. I saw your tears, I know they were real.

I've been telling you for years that what you have done and do hurts me but changes have never been made. I'm making the choice to be the change in my life. I don't know where this new path will lead or what will happen to us; know that with all that is going on, I still love you and always will. I fell in love with you back then for reason. You are not inherently a bad person, you are just making mistakes. All humans do. You need to decide to be a good person though and change those ways. I know with some self work you'll be who I fell in love with again.

I'm not texting this to you because I know how upset and hurt you are with me because of today. Protecting our little one is my number one priority. I know you are at that friends' house, I know you're probably drinking, crying, and lying about me to them. Please get better, make better friends, stop letting your family treat the family you created horriby, and make us your number one priority. I still want to fight for you but I can't let myself get hurt in the process anymore.

I'm choosing peace.

With all the love and fight in the world,

Your Love

My Love,

I know everything is extremely hard on you and complicated right now. I had to do something today to protect myself and our little family and I know it hurt you. I saw your tears, I know they were real.

I've been telling you for years that what you have done and do hurts me but changes have never been made. I'm making the choice to be the change in my life. I don't know where this new path will lead or what will happen to us; know that with all that is going on, I still love you and always will. I fell in love with you back then for reason. You are not inherently a bad person, you are just making mistakes. All humans do. You need to decide to be a good person though and change those ways. I know with some self work you'll be who I fell in love with again.

I'm not texting this to you because I know how upset and hurt you are with me because of today. Protecting our little one is my number one priority. I know you are at that friends' house, I know you're probably drinking, crying, and lying about me to them. Please get better, make better friends, stop letting your family treat the family you created horriby, and make us your number one priority. I still want to fight for you but I can't let myself get hurt in the process anymore.

I'm choosing peace.

With all the love and fight in the world,

Your Love

Hey You,

I finally got a ticket to see MCR and a friend to go see it with. You know how much going to concerts, especially a Black Parade concert meant to me. My friend had to cancel. I know it's for valid reasons but it still sucks. I just feel like I never get to be an adult that does things outside of the house. I constantly feel trapped. I just wanted one night to feel free.

I would go alone if I could but, I still don't have a license. Oh well maybe it's for the best. If we were still friends I would invite you, I know you're the kind of person that would drop everything to drive a few states away to go see it with me. We know why that won't work though. I wish you didn't end up being one of the worst people in my story. I wish everything were different. I guess I just miss having my group of friends that put in effort and care.

With melancholy,

HCB

I feel like I'm in a pit again. I doubt any of you will ever find me here. Maybe it would be bad if you did. I just miss our closeness. I could really use a night like we used to have, driving aimlessly in the dark, talking for hours on end, singing songs together, and being comfortable when we get silent. I miss all of us. I need to have the gang back, but I know that wouldn't work.

\-HCB

P.S. Maybe read my other posts if you think you know me.

I feel like I'm in a pit again. I doubt any of you will ever find me here. Maybe it would be bad if you did. I just miss our closeness. I could really use a night like we used to have, driving aimlessly in the dark, talking for hours on end, singing songs together, and being comfortable when we get silent. I miss all of us. I need to have the gang back, but I know that wouldn't work.

-HCB

P.S. Maybe read my other posts if you think you know me.

You saw something in me that others didn't. It was special and meant the world to me at the time. I deleted everything of us, including that message of poetry. I didn't want to remember a single person or thing from that town. I know everything that happened was wretched but I wish you could send me that poem. Maybe postive words would help in these terrible times we're all facing.

I don't hate you anymore, I promise. I just know that you're not good for me to be around. I don't think anyone truly is. Remember when I said I'm a bad luck charm? I'm pretty sure that's still true.

Do you still have that horrible drawing of the hippie van? I wonder if I'm ever on your guy's mind like you are mine.

I apologize for these strange ramblings, for I don't know what's wrong with me.

-HCB

JJ, You hurt me so badly. It's been five years but for some reason you've been on my mind. Maybe it's because you came into my life when it was already up in in flames and well, my life is up in flames again. I miss having a friend that cared and would listen. I haven't had that since before you wrecked me. I keep wondering if I will ever have someone. I keep having to tell remind myself though how terrible of a person you are for me and that you shouldn't even be on my mind. Just please get out of my thoughts.

I still believe that loneliness is my only friend and it's ok. I honestly think I'm meant to be alone.

-HCB

I don't believe that you guys still think of me or even care to remember me. I know I was just your background friend, never the main part of the story. Honestly I'm ok with that. In case if you do ever think of me and wonder what's going on...

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I finally started beauty school, I'm doing really well. I even won a scholarship. I hope you’re proud of me.

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I'm still an emotional roller-coaster, my perfect marriage isn't perfect anymore and I feel lost. I'm still full of love and fight but the debilitating pain makes it difficult to keep going. My ribs still hurt, my teeth are worse, and the unexplained migraines are still unexplained😅. Sometimes I have to concentrate if I still feel the pain, like my brain is creating it. I know how upset me being in pain made you guys feel and I'm sorry. I don't let it burden anyone else though. I always felt guilty when you guys would coddle me to make sure I was ok. You guys referred to me as the "mom" of the group so being taken care of was always strange.

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I don't really make friends anymore. I don't want to re-experience what we went through. I'm sorry I ghosted all of you and left you on a cliff-hanger. Things were getting way too messy for me to handle, there was talk of drugs, I was already struggling with suic\*de and didn't want to make my brain worse. I just got married then and needed to put all my energy into getting better for Hawaii. I never got to live there though. I had to wait for him to come back, not the other way around. You guys thought I was there enjoying the beaches, but no, I was still in our shitty town, mo, for over a year. I'm sorry, I pretty much locked myself in. I couldn't handle people.

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I still write, not like I used to. My music is on pause. I got a guitar but I recently lost it in a house fire. I lost Apollo too, I know how much you all loved my fluffy kitty. We also lost our dog, that you never got to meet but you all would've loved her. I'm sorry I'm not the Hannah Montana superstar we all joked I would be. Nor am I in the rock band I dreamed of. I'm still plain me and that's ok. It's hard to be special when terrible things keep happening. I am trying to have a better life though.

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I tear up when our songs play sometimes, MCR isn't the same anymore. It's bittersweet. I remember how much we would jam out to them and other bands on our road trips. We loved to sing when driving, YOU, in particular told me I had a beautiful voice, I thought you were talking to Rai at first, it meant the world to me that someone could think I sang beautifully. You hurt me and took advantage of me the most. I used to have nightmares because of it. . I don't trust that my voice is beautiful. I question if that was manipulation.

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Other things piss me off when I hear about them, I can't stand FNAF or Hamilton due to you guys, reminds me of the damage dealt. We were really messy weren't we?

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We were all teenagers at that time though, navigating through our last years as teens. Of course things weren't perfect and that's ok. I wouldn't be who I am without all that mess. I was a PNW girl who lived in her green bubble and got moved to a terrible small town over halfway across the country that was full of abuse and neglect. You guys dealt with so much pain, I understand your actions. I hope we all grew from our pain. I don't know what your lives look like, alas I don't even know your socials now but I hope you’re all stronger and kinder. You all are very uniquely talented. Please never stop creating. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if the messy never happened and we were all still friends. I feel like we just grew apart. All of us were quite pugnacious, (remember that word?). I miss teaching peeps big words. I don't have anyone to do that with now. I also miss our plays at the arts foundation, our crappy, stupid, but fun plays. I remember feeling so light as Pollyanna.

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Anyway, this is getting long, it's already 1am. I just feel burdened tonight, need to get you all out of my head in order to sleep.

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I am ok, I promise. I will make my big dreams a reality. I hope you guys do the same. Never stop growing and dreaming. Maybe the next time you'll see me is on TV.....

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-HCB

I wonder how you see me through your eyes. I wonder what our story would be like in your words. I wonder if I'm the villain in some, the hero in others, or maybe just nobody in all. I want to know your thoughts about me. I want to know what your first impression was. I want to know if you hated me or loved me. Was I meaningful or meaningless. Am I someone worth telling about? These thoughts haunt me. I keep the words stuck in my throat because I'm too afraid of what the answers may be. I fear I may not like who I am if my true self gets revealed.....

HCB