u/coldWasTheGnd

my friend's wife is starting to cheat on him with me

like

she's doing the little micro cheating things

it started with the compliments

but now she's getting sexual

and

this one

it just feels kinda wrong?

like

I don't seriously care about whoopsying my way into situationships with partnered women when both the woman and their partner are people who can find new love easily enough if their lives exploded

but this woman

she and her partner are each other's first and only loves

and

like

it just feels unfair because I'm not remotely attracted to his wife

she's an amazing human being

but

like

I need someone to ride on my wavelength

and she can't

but

idk

this is just cruel if I let this go on

both the wife and him are going to get extremely hurt

and I will have only done it all for attention

but to be clear

I'm not asking for her attention this way at all

if she stopped tomorrow I wouldn't even notice

I would probably forget anything happened within a couple of weeks

meanwhile this could cut their hearts to pieces for decades if it goes on

but I am just sitting here

and I'm barely even doing anything but laughing when she gets sexual

or maybe a tad playful

but

yeah

ugh

anyway

I thought about S a lot tonight

and it's weird S is probably barely thinking about me

and I'm barely thinking about the wife

and the wife is probably thinking a lot about me

but

I just kept on thinking about how we were kissing each other's hands/wrists on Sunday

and how it felt like the most implied acknowledgement ever

like fake smelling to get your lips against the other's skin is the most infinitesimal step above the line of just being friends

and she reciprocated it over and over again

bleh

I am over the moon about this girl

yet again

and she's probably over the moon about someone else

she definitely loves me

and I guess that is obvious to everyone who knows that

but

that kind of love is not what I mean

it's not fleeting

we can go weeks/months without really talking

and pick up like nothing happened

and she assures me that no one has replaced me

that if she's not talking to me she's not talking to anyone

like she is devoted to me

and it's not something I ever asked for

and it's not something I've ever considered asking

but

like

it's hard to believe that she loves me this one

she told me once she loves someone, she never stops loving them

and I half-heartedly believed that

but it's true

she loves me still

she adores me still

and she is still so easy to get a smile from

and I love her, too

I am a whore

(and she knows that)

but

she is still my best friend

still the one I think of throughout my day

the baseline from which I judge all romantic partners

part of me wonders if my ex of six years ever could have loved me like this

I know she loved me a lot

I have no doubt about that

maybe she did love me like this

maybe six years of seeing the worst of me chipped away at this kind of love

my best friend over three years hasn't seen any of that

I'm always warm towards her

but part of me thinks that it was due to my ex of six years

I couldn't stomach losing someone of immense importance again

so I changed myself

and tried to figure out other ways to express myself when I'm hurt

but

anyway

it makes me wonder if my ex of six years would be friends right now if things hadn't gone so far south

and it makes me wonder

if it would have been, the reels all week kinda friend

the mountain of texts once a week kinda friend

the weekly scheduled calls kinda friend

the random calls kinda friend

the show up at my place randomly kinda friend

it is not too hard to imagine that she might be the sporadic texter

and that there would be no chance of us having a deep connection once again

and maybe we will reconnect

in my heart, I feel that we will see each other one last time

in my mind, I have no idea how that would even happen, and it seems so incredibly unlikely

but my heart knows I'll see her again with certainty

part of me thinks she might read this after that meetup

and discover I'm a serial home wrecker and decide a connection with me isn't worth the risk

anyway

my best friend loves me

she loves me so much

and

she got a bit sexual with me

it's wild how she will slip sexual things in almost every conversation

she also called me high maintenance

and that I needed a lot of attention

which left me speechless

and breathless, frankly

she called me a whiny high maintenance bitch

and like

she's not wrong

but

like

damn lol

I thought I was trending in the direction of super chill laid back girl

and she brings my world crashing down lol

anyway

towards the end of the conversation she slipped in an, "I miss you"

I said I missed her, too

and because I am much more open with my love these days

I slipped in an, "I love you" and hanging up immediately before she could respond

"bitch"

"Lovey ass hoe"

was all she could muster in the immediate texts

the text didn't come

no:

>we can't ever do that again
we can't talk about it ever again
I can't be friends with you anymore
please don't ever talk to me again

instead I woke up from my nap to a funny reel about why she's single

and I'm just baffled

like

girl

we crossed the line

there was a stark line in the sand saying don't caress your friend's thighs for fifteen minutes if you want to stay friends

there was a less visible line saying don't press your boobs into your friend's dick and just lay on top of your friend's dick while reading texts

I thought those two things would be the end of us as friends

and instead

it's like nothing happened

or at least she's not talking about it

and

I talked about those two things with a friend today

she didn't focus so much on me caressing her

but

she did focus on her pressing her tits into my dick

and she said there is no way she didn't know what she was doing

that women don't casually press their huge tits into someone

and they sure as hell don't press them into someone's dick

and she was like, I'm pretty sure miss titties is into you

and like

I kinda knew that

and then it got me thinking about how i question whether she is into me

and it made me wonder:

are my actions equally as ambiguous

and it is an obvious yes unfortunately

like she might have had no clue up until now that I was into her

and

she kinda indicated that over 2026

she asked who I fell in love with that I was supposed to

-- I said she knew and she just kept asking

she said that her (then) partner was never ambiguous as to whether he wanted her

and

I don't know

the biggest thing is that she knows I'm a slut

everyone knows I'm a big slut

and that I sleep around a lot

and she might just as easily think I am flirtatious with everyone

she also knows how often I fall in love with everyone

i don't know

it's dumb

here I am simping over someone who couldn't care less about me probably

anyway

the friend I was telling those two things to

she started complimenting out of no where

telling me what a great personality I had

and I was taken aback

I mean, I needed it; I've been hard on myself late

I don't really feel like I'm ever going to find someone to love me like I need

and she just keeps complimenting me

and at this point I realize I'm being hit on

and for whatever reason

we start telling each other secrets

and

there was this party we went to

and I was in a maid outfit with my cheeks flopping all over the world

and we danced the night away with her and her husband

and

anyway

she falls asleep on the same bed I'm on

and I fall asleep in that outfit

and she wakes up to my dick in front of her face because she fell asleep in the reverse position of me

and she told me her secret was that she wanted to bite my dick so badly in that moment

and that she's thought about it in all the years that passed

and

like

... I told her that was hot

and it was fucking stupid

I absolutely should have said anything other than that

but

I didn't

and I feel a little awful

and also a little vindicated

well, maybe my best friend should feel even more vindicated

she's been saying for years that this married woman is into me

and I dismissed her

but there were moments that I felt were too electric

and that sometimes I was on the cusp of being something it shouldn't

but

this kinda proves it

I mean

she was just slathering me in compliments

and telling me how her husband would get so jealous when she drove a few cities away to spend her Friday with me

and

anyway

it made me feel terrible because i've know her husband much much longer

and the guy adores me

and he would fucking kill me if knew his wife was saying those things to me

I mean, he has been very violent in the past

neglecting that

it just feels like a reminder to always trust my instincts

that

if it feels weird, it is weird

finally

my best friend reached out today

and told me she was stalking me without any other qualifiers

in the past, I would be begging her to tell me what she meant

instead

I just told her to stalk me harder

yup

my dumbass crossed the line

she got here late as expected

and she was hungry

and so I got reservations at some michelin star restaurant

-- i had no idea it was a michelin star until we arrived

-- which genuinely isn't impressive on my part it was a sunday night, probably the least packed night of the week

and

we both got heavily inebriated there

it still said "good girl" on my shoulder from what happened saturday night

and I'm still cringing at that

here we are in some super fancy restaurant and it says good girl in green on my shoulder

anyway

we were quiet the entire dinner on account of being incredibly fucked up

but

we uber home by like 10 PM

and she immediately wants to go out and do karaoke

but I was like, "girl, I have work in the morning" and she got a bit sad because she thought we were going to have a full night out partying like we used to on Sundays

and I was just kinda hoping she would stay the night; like, it's so helpful to have someone nearby to stabilize my night time anxieties

and so I let her stay hoping that she would either leave by 12 AM or sleep over

and I don't how it all started

I had my arm extended out while lying down on my bed

and she laid down and quickly rolled into my chest but quickly rolled back out

but she rolled away and still maintained skin to skin contact

-- and I know she is hyper aware of these kinds of things; she's told me repeatedly how much she thinks about merely being near someone and moving closer to them

and I don't know how it happened

but I start tracing out "I <3 u" on her cheek

and I keep wanting to do it over and over again

and every time I reach out for her cheek with my finger, she extends her cheek to meet my finger

and

I do that for probably an hour

and like

that is still within the normal bounds of our friendship

but then I start caressing her arm

and I've gotten so good at caressing in a sexy way

from all the women I've been with the past few months, I've learned all sorts of tricks

I know how to pull at their skin in a way that grabs a little bit of muscle and fat that very much tells the body, "I am viscerally wanted"

I know how to trace my nails across so they tingle

I know how to trace so that my next pull or push is amplified that much more

and I know how to wrap a cycle with gliding my finger tips over everything to make it feel like they're safe and that there is a full human waiting on the other side of these sensations

and

that was still mostly within our friendship parameters

and

she nibbled on my fingers

she repeatedly stuck them in her mouth

and

we also got locked in deep eye contact

and I called her a coward repeatedly in a joking way to see if I could get her to make the first move

she would reply over and over again, "how am I the coward"

and I would retort, "because :)"

and then I would do this thing where I pressed her hand into my face -- and sniffed

and it made her laugh her ass off

I think she eventually figured out that it was a ploy so that I could press her hand to my lips under the guise of smelling her

and I told her I stole it from her

and I told her about the day she kept pressing her lips into each of my wrist while sniffing my cologne

and then she started doing it over and over again

and ended it asking what I was wearing

anyway

eventually we play fought and I made her laugh her ass off

and she lays down on my groin

the first time she was partially covering my dick but within thirty seconds she had to get up

but she laid down quickly again, this time her boobs were fully covering my dick

and my thighs were closed so the entirety of my dick is being smothered by her double ds

and

I get hard

but

we had ordered from cold stone so I had to get her off me to get the order from my door

and we ate

and then we laid down again

and

yeah

I fucked up

I don't know how it happened

but I started caressing her thighs

using the same techniques I used on her arms

and I must have done that for like fifteen minutes

and

yeah

I think that was the official line

I think caressing someone's thighs for fifteen minutes is the line where it's no longer platonic

and we sat there lying down for another 45 minutes or so

she left around 2:30 or 3 AM

and everything seemed copacetic

but

I'm just waiting for a text saying we went too far

and that it can never happen again

and I regret it so much

I never would have caressed her like that if I was sober

ugh

I'm so fucking embarrassed

I have bitches hitting me up in the morning

I'm literally waking up to this shit

and I don't call them bitches as a slur against women

I say it like that because I have this ambivalent feeling in the worst way towards being booty called

I resent it on some level

I really want love

and it feels like some reinforcement that I'm only good enough for sex when that's the only reason they want me

and I mean that sincerely

they truly only want me for one thing

they will pick and leave after I bring them to orgasm

and

I hate to say it

but it's better than nothing

it's better than a day that's nearly devoid of intimate contact

I just can't get over the feeling of being used

and it's also just... exhausting?

like

I was sitting on text messages from five different people, all wanting a piece of me

and

I just wanted to get a burger in peace

I just want my quiet without having to configure my life to get some peace

anyway

S comes over later today

or at least she's supposed to

and I'm feeling so desperately romantic today

I might cross a line with her

I just someone like her wanted me like she does

I would trade a hundred booty calls for one real love

bleh

SONG PLAYING: Lil Uzi Vert ~ XO TOUR LIFE (Chopped and Screwed) by DJ Purpberry

I broke a toe today

tried to uber to the hospital

but I felt like I was going to vomit every time I stood up

so

I called 911

the paramedics came

and they buddy taped my toe

told me it wasn't worth it to go to the hospital

so they shuttled me back to my room

and it's made the day difficult

I've been locked in my apartment all day

and that is terrible for my mental health

I need to be around people

I need to talk to them

I don't know how I convinced myself for years that I liked the opposite better

and

I didn't get that

the girl who hired me reached out to me today

and I felt she was done with me beyond anything professional

but

we flirted

and

she told me she moved away from San Diego

and she moved back to Houston

it made me sad

it, in some tiny way, made me feel like she gave up on me

I replied

I asked if flying to Houston was the only way to hangout with her

and

she suggested, with a huge smile, that we go to Spain, Trinidad, or Barbados together

and it's funny

I'm the really cute girl she's into

I'm the girl who she smiles when she sees on work teams video calls

I'm the girl who gets her texts screenshotted and sent around to all the other friends

I know what it feels like on the other side

and it feels amazing that someone is that obviously invested in me

and

she is so obscenely hot

S and I saw each other again and talked about her

and I was talking about how insanely hot my hiring manager is

and then I qualified it with, "well, insanely hot to me at least"

and S is a no nonsense type of girl

and she corrected me immediately, "no, she is insanely hot to the world"

and

like

I don't feel like I deserve to be wanted this much by an insanely hot woman

much less that she's also fucking brilliant

and what's fascinating to me

endlessly fascinating to me

is that I sometimes get comments on these letters

comments saying I'm lying

and usually it's the most unremarkable stuff

I think I got one a few days ago saying I was lying about flogging someone within two minutes of meeting them

which isn't that remarkable if you've been in the bdsm community at a dungeon

it is still remarkable to me because I still gotten chosen by one of the prettiest women I've seen in my entire life

but

I don't think anyone else in the community would be like, "woah, girl, you pulled off something incredible"

it would probably be more like, "oh. yeah, that happens sometimes."

anyway

I texted L immediately after

I asked her if she wanted to do Wednesday again

I also asked her if she wanted to come to my house warming party for my new apartment on the 29th

she responded immediately

saying she would love to do Wednesday again and appended a sad face emoji (literally: :') )

but that she would be getting ready to fly to norway

and she said she would be with her boyfriend hiking some norwegian mountains on the 29th

she said she couldn't wait to hear all about my house warming when she got back

and that was so sweet of her

and when she said it

it felt borderline romantic

but now

I'm in a different headspace

and it's making me wonder if most of the things I'm interpreting as romantic, is merely just how women treat women

like, I wouldn't be that weirded out if my ex got a kissing emoji suffixed with "HAHA" from her a friend

actually, yeah, it is still a bit weird. it's not weird with a kissing heart emoji on it's own; but the "HAHA" makes it weird. like, if that was my girl, and I saw her send that text, I would start be suspicious

... or just think it was an inside joke I didn't know about, and just brush it off

but

I do know there was no inside joke

we didn't talk about kissing even a little

this has to be romantic

doesn't it?

why is it always so confusing to me

I just posted it on a texts subreddit and tried to make it as neutral as possible to see if they suss out anything

anyway

if I'm honest with myelf

I do feel something romantic towards her

and I think I could pretty easily fall in love with her

and I think part of why I can't see what's right in front of me is, it's hard for me to believe that amazing woman could develop feelings for me

anyway

I texted Annelise regarding my hiring manager's seeming romantic interest in me

and I told her I don't get why people find me desirable

and

she wrote out a paragraph

saying that after thirty years she still finds me desirable

and she said she thinks people find me desirable because I make people genuinely feel like I am interested in them as people

and I am

but

I don't think any other group of friends would say being invested in others is my strongest attribute

some would say it's my way with words

some would say it's my bratty belligerence that makes things so fun

some would say I make funny jokes

but being invested in others...

my best friend accuses me of being self absorbed all too often

and she's not wrong

which is why that hurts so much

but yeah

everyone loves something different about me

SONG PLAYING: Coil SALEM • King Night • 2010

anyway

I am getting ready to leave my job

the upgraded apartment is going to cost me $5000/month

and I really need to stop being such a lazy ass and just actually interview with the top firms in my industry or really take entrepreneurship more seriously this time

it's weird that I consider $2x,000/month take home lazy territory for me

but it is true

I could probably be near $1M/year if I just took interview prep seriously

and I've decided that's exactly what I need to do

there's this thing in my head that keeps telling me I need to want a better life for myself

one that features a sophisticated yet elegant me at the forefront

where I have innumerable brilliant friends

where I have dinner parties with fascinating people

where I can talk intellectually about any topic with brilliant others

and I know that merely getting a better job won't make that happen

I know that there is a million and one things needed to get there

but I think the better job is that

it's the foundation with which to build that life upon

it's the foundation for which I find the woman I wake up to and look on in awe of her

SONG PLAYING: Coil • ear • Rumspringa 2026

though, that future scares me

it scares me because I am already exceeding my reach as it is

and each jump i need to get there is so large that I will be sitting on its hills, in awe, thinking: anything more wouldn't be worth the effort

a place where it's easy to die complacent

which is in violent opposition with a question I use to run my life:

what are you doing to make your one precious life remarkable?

what honors the unconditional love my mom has shown me through three decades?

I did the stupid thing

I messaged her

told her I got a new apartment

I showed her

she told me she wanted to come over and cook for me

I asked her when I was going to see her

and she pressed for next weekend

I said yes

I'm only hurting myself by doing this

I think?

Idk

she is someone with remarkably low self control

she cheated on her (ex-)boyfriend with me

but

she can at least resist me compared to L

she has been able to spend every day with me for months and then disappear

whereas L just seems to desire me like my best friend did at our height

and I haven't put anywhere near the effort I put into my best friend to get L this crazy about me

and with S

she can just resist me so easily

she can go months without seeing me

and it makes me feel so fucking stupid that I am so invested in her

that I can't get enough of her

I can never get enough of her

even though we've abandoned each other so many times

but she has also invited me to see her over and over again

and I always said no because it hurt too much to see her

part of me wonders if she feels the same towards me

if it hurts too much to see me

she said implied it was torture to not have me like she wants to

and it's torture for me, too

I just don't understand why L is so willing to jump off a cliff with little impetus from me to get a piece of me

while S has had me wrapped around her finger for probably two years and has done nothing but kiss me and repeatedly rub my dick

L seems ready to kiss me after five conversations

and what's worse is

I know I shouldn't be doing this

I see one of S's day ones constantly monitoring my story

and whereas before she would love my stories

now she just looks on

and it feels like I'm being scornfully watched

and I know she thinks S has feelings for me

she said the day one looked at her and sighed when S told her she was going to see me (in an incredibly cute outfit)

I don't think we're fooling anyone anymore

no one except each other

because I don't think either of us is sure about the other's feelings

and if everyone else can see it...

i don't know

why do I love her in such an incredible way

I know what I love about her

but I've loved other incredible people far less

tonight

tonight..

my thoughts have been eating me alive

I've reminded myself it's not good to listen to my thoughts at times like these

but there is this general unease that's just making me uncomfortable

irritable

insufferable

and

I don't know why

maybe it's just mental exhaustion

but I also just feel unlovable as well

like,

it feels as though I'm only good enough for people to cheat on their partners with me

but I know that can't be true

I've met multiple women at parties who have said that I made their week

and they were gushing about me before I left

am I just unable to close the deal with amazing women?

I'm probably just not meeting enough of them

I've only met three I've been interested in over the past two or three months

and I don't know that I can find them in my community

I am so deeply attracted to intelligence

and I am excited by ambition

but my needs can really only be fulfilled by those in my community

do I just wait for the right person?

or maybe I'm just too picky

I know there are women in my community who find me very attractive

it's just, I don't find them attractive

maybe the only route forward is to just keep working on my body

maybe I'm just not pretty enough for a relationship for the women I find attractive

maybe I'm merely fuckable

god, I never thought I'd complain about being merely fuckable by some of the prettiest women I've ever seen.

I talked to L today

it was fun

really fun

she wanted to know so much about the kink community so we talked for at least an hour on that

we also talked about our "types"

I said my type was either ambitious or gothy and I didn't care about looks

and she said her type was her boyfriend and that she didn't know any man like her boyfriend

and people have remarked on a few occasions that I am so similar to her boyfriend in terms of personality

one of her loved ones fucking hated that

her loved one drunkenly told me how much she hated that

I am of course not a man so meh

anyway

she had to talk to the police halfway through our conversation because a package was stolen and they needed her to fill out a police report

and

she wasn't sure what to do with me on the phone

and at first she proposed staying on the phone with her until she walked over to the police, which was like two or three minutes of walking at most

and this isn't a socially awkward woman by any means

her social skills are probably a million times better than most

but

to me

that signaled that she thought our time was precious

my best friend used to do the same thing before we realized we were in love with each other

-- she couldn't bear losing a second to anything else in her life

and it's weird knowing that now

knowing that that behavior is usually tied to someone liking you a great deal

anyway

she used every last second she could to talk to me right up until she got to her car

and I thought that would be the last I would hear from her until our next weekly call

and she texted me within a half hour

telling me how much she enjoyed me and a kissing emoji with HAHA right after the emoji

and that she was was grateful that I shared myself with her

and she added in a few hearts after all of that

and it left me scratching my head a bit

like

is a kissing emoji with a HAHA just friendly?

is the mere fact that I'm asking if it's friendly an indicator that it's not

my best friend always said that if I think there's a 1% chance someone is into me then they are 1000% into me

that I am the most oblivious person ever

and

on some level

even if she isn't into me

this still feels a bit dangerous

two hour weekly calls where she can't stomach losing a second of my time feels like a recipe for disaster

meh

I don't know that I'm made for this

now that I'm making friends in my community, I'm seeing how much work it is

the work of maintaining friendships feels like a lot on top of everything else

and it's not like they're not worth it

the one who texted me tonight and said she wanted to call me is one of the best human beings I've ever met

it's just

I feel like I already have so much going on in my life

and it's not just her

there are other women who dm me

and like

I don't like interactions that are not in person

it's so hard for me to interpret text

or provide warmth

or a smile

or anything meaningful over text

not unless I'm pouring my heart out

I know it's a good problem to have

to be so welcoming that people want to chat with me randomly

but I'm so used to my me time when I'm not partying or at classes

maybe I'm just catastrophizing this, too

maybe people will understand that they don't get me every day

that only my primary partner gets me every day

anyway

my mom's birthday went swimmingly

she was pretty happy all day

and that made me very happy

though, I realized by the time I gave her her presents, I had spent nearly $1000 on her birthday

and in the past

I would have shuttered at a number that high

but yeah, I won't go further into it.

I'm just happy I was able to contribute to a happy birthday

I thought a lot about S today, too

I'm not sure why

it almost doesn't feel fair

I don't want to be in love with her

I so badly don't

I don't mind being in love with my best friend or my coworker in Taiwan because... well, I don't know

but with S

it just hurts

I think about her so often

I think about her every day even when I have enough potential romantic connections to saturate my entire day

I'm even going to have a blast talking to L tomorrow for our weekly chat and I know that we are at the cusp of romance

yet the only thing I truly want is to spend the day with S

I just want to kiss her just once

ugh, i kinda hate that she got to kiss me and I've never had the chance to kiss her

I wonder how it must have felt for her

was it electric

was she terrified

how the fuck did she summon the courage to do it

especially when she had just fallen in love with someone

part of me wonders if I'm going to repeat this all with L, too

but I feel like L tries too hard

with S, it always feels authentic

ugh, why her

I think even with A I'm not going to be able to get S off my mind

how has someone gotten me to crave them so thoroughly

she fucking texted me back

the moment she did I was anxious to read what she wrote

in fact, I was anxious to even text her today

I didn't want to seem like that girl who got lucky and couldn't piece together that it was just a one night stand

not that I cared as much if I looked that way to her

but that I got my hopes up thinking we could be more than a night of fun

and...

she texted me back a paragraph

but

she said she definitely wanted to hang out if I was up to it

-- and I didn't say anything about hanging out

-- I just asked how she was feeling (after the flogging I put her through)

-- because sub drop and all that

-- (it's weird that I'm responsible for people's aftercare including the check-ins you're supposed to do after a scene)

but

like, even now I'm getting anxious

I told her I had to take care of my mom's birthday over the next two days

and that I have laser on thursday

but that I'm flexible otherwise

and I'm already worried that I'm coming on too strong

like,

should I have left it at: yeah; free, wednesday, Friday, and maybe the weekend

did I get too excited

did I include her into my life too quickly?

what's even the normal amount for someone you just met?

like, this is all so crazy

I got to know her over tying her up and beating her

my entire first three to four hours with her was yapping while tying and beating her

and she was so thoroughly over the moon by the end of it

I'm just so anxious that this person might become very important in my life very quickly

my ex of six years became so quickly within two or three months I think

though, I don't remember if it was this intense

I can't really remember the first date that well

I remember it being an italian place in brea

and that I was so stiff because I was worried she wouldn't like me

that I was too short for her because god she must have had an inch on me

and eventually after an hour we resonated

or at least we were able to yap

and I guess what's different here is that I knew this girl was probably into me from the start

she wanted to hook up within two minutes of meeting me

and all she had to go by was my face

and she was so fucking hot that she could have had anyone in the room

and she chose me

fucking me

the awkward little trans girl who couldn't even start the conversation in a way that was interesting

and she learned so much about me over those hours

I was an open book as I always am

she's probably just as excited as I am

she came away from our scene much happier than I was

much happier than I've seen anyone on a first date with me

the girl was absolutely beaming

maybe I don't need to be anxious at all

I think part of it is that I feel like this is my one shot with a really hot woman

that I can't be desirable to someone I find really desirable

and I think that's probably wrong

I have a track record of hitting it off with three of the hottest women I've met in the respective rooms I met them in

but I just don't see someone I'm attracted to in the mirror

I don't know what's going on

but either way

I think as a top in my community

there won't be any meaningful shortage of hot women to play with

and get lost in

I met someone amazing.

I genuinely met someone amazing

and

I am genuinely scared I won't even be able to put it into the words it deserves

the impact it needs

nor the warmth it brough

I know I can't do it justice but god I've gotta try

okay

so

I had two things planned today

a 101 shibari class

and a party after

and the shibari class was maddening difficult to find parking for

there was a rap show right next door and so many people were being assholes

anyway

I finally found parking after like twenty minutes

and I reach the door and there were a couple girls that looked like they wanted to talk

but I avoided eye contact entirely

I didn't want to talk to anyone due to my frustration with parking

and

the class went well enough

the instructor spent quite a bit of time with me

at times he touched me and because I am so fucking touch starved and since he was so kind, it felt electric

I know he wasn't remotely interested so I just filed the feelings away

and I came away knowing a few knots

all the I embarrassed the fuck out of myself learning -- and it's why the teacher kept helping me

anyway

there was a meet and greet at the end where we were supposed to talk to people

and we got in a circle to tell people about ourselves one by one

and eventually we all closed our eyes and were supposed to look at the person we wanted to talk to

and

I just looked in the direction of no one because I honestly didn't want to be rejected

which is silly but I wasn't in a great headspace after making a fool of myself

and I just picked up my gear and left straight to the party

and I wasn't even sure I was going to be let into the club the party was hosted at because I only got a provisional membership like a few days before

but

they let me in

and I was also dehydrated so I ran straight to get something to drink

and three women came up behind me and just started talking to me

I was a bit overwhelmed but I was like, fuck it, I might as well yap with them

and I did and me and this girl really hit it off

and we brought our toys and showed them off to each other

eventually this guy comes in and starts a scene with the third wheel of the girls

and it makes one of the girls uncomfortable and she suggests we take this to a large room meant for play

and we all go

and the girl I hit off with, she starts to chaperone the scene because cis dudes are fucking cray cray

and man she lays into the dude any time he comes close to violating her boundaries and I was just in awe of it

any way, the girl I hit off with has a wife

and she wanted to do a scene with me

and I happily agreed

and she started beating me with a fucking wooden spoon and holy fuck that was more painful than it had any right to be

and she went through a variety of implements

and eventually she wanted to end the scene with ice

and

she rubbed it all over my back and arms

and it was fucking dripping and god that felt gross

but

then she got to my neck

and my god that was fucking amazing

I was moaning

we did our aftercare in a separate room and we chat and hit it off too

and her wife comes in and we just start talking about how I'm trans

and I'm like, "yeah I'm two years in but I'm surely but slowly getting [to the point where I can pass]"

and they were like, no, you look really good

and I was like, I'm almost there

and they were like, no, you're there

and I'm not but it felt really nice

really really nice

and they wanted to start a scene in another room

and I wanted to put away my gear so I go to the main room

and I see this really hot woman sitting on her own

and

I tell myself I should go talk to her

but

I thought to myself that I should go start the scene

and I go to that other room

but for some reason, I run back and start talking to the really hot woman

and within like two minutes she agreed to doing a scene with me

and I said that I needed to go do the other scene first but that I would be back

and she agreed

and so I ran to the other scene like fucking excited as fuck

I can't put into words how happy I was that the hottest woman at the party agreed to do a scene with me

and I didn't even put effort into asking her

literally

I go up to her

compliment her on the thing on her head

I didn't even know what to fucking call them

I probably said I really like the thing on your head

but

she agreed inside of two minutes

anyway

apparently people were confused

and the guy leading the scene didn't seem to want to do a scene with me

so I was llikeeee,

"BYE GUYS, I'm GOING BACK TO [HOT GIRL]"

and they smiled and waved me off

and

we negotiated

and she was cool with everything

and she told me she wanted to be tied up

and

god I had only had one fucking class in shibari

and I was basically stumbling through it

and I told her I was basically going to stumble through everything

and she was completely cool with it

and I did stumble

I gave her a double column tie and she corrected me on the knot I used at the end

but the rest was just kinda easier

oh, and for context, we had negotiated a mermaid tie

and the ties upward were much easier

and eventually I get to her genitals and I just wasn't comfortable going near there because I just met the girl and didn't want to be a creep

but she asked me to keep going

and I skipped over her genitals and straight to her stomach

but then the dm stopped me and asked where my shears were

and I didn't have them near me

I knew I supposed to have them near me because everyone fucking knows that rope is dangerous

but I was too excited

and I got scolded

and it was fucking embarrassing

but I finally found them

and I said I was embarrassed and hot girl reassured me not to worry about it

and I kept going

and I was starting to sweat because lexapro sucks like that

and I apologized to her saying that my lexapro is lexaproing

and I think that worried her a bit

and she asked what it was for and I told her it was for anxiety and that eased her nerves on that subject

and that also made me feel embarassed

because I hit trust levels so easily and she was rightfully nervous that the person tying her up might be crazy

but

we complete the scene

and she asks if I want to do more

and I ask her what she wants to do

and she said "well, didn't you say you are into impact play?"

and I say yes

we agree to it

and I lay out my toys and she picks out the ones she wants

and we are off to play

and I tell her to go bend over on top of one of the benches and I get to work on her

and oh

oh god

I forgot to write this part out

we were yapping our heads off about our life the entire time we're doing the rope tying

and the bench scene was no different

I must have flogged her with like ten different toys

and throughout all of it, I asked her how she was feeling and a score on how much the impacts hurt

and I didn't really care to hurt her

and the times where she said something felt really good were the times where I was fucking ecstatic

and I must have flogged her for like an hour or two

and we were having a deep conversation throughout all of it

and I found it so surreal that I started laughing at parts of it where I was asking her how she felt and she was analyzing it in detail as I was simultaneously being flogged

and

oh god

I forgot something else

SO

when I was untying her

she said something to the effect of, "I can't believe I almost didn't come to this"

and I said, "well, you're glad you did aren't you"

and she, with a big smile, "yeah, definitely"

(she had a super chill stoner vibe and would say things like "bro, [etc etc]")

and anyway

by the end of it

by the end of me flogging her

she was so fucking happy

and she was telling me what an amazing time she had

and

I started packing up and she said she was heading to raising canes

and I think that was an invite to have me join her

but I got lost in the yap that I forgot to even ask

anyway

she followed me out the door

and she said I should go to the party on the fifteenth so we could play again

(she told me a few times I was a really good top and that she was so surprised how good I was after only three weeks of topping)

and I told her I'm happy to play with her any time

and she asked, "... can I give you my number"

and I responded, "I was fucking waiting for you to ask"

and I gave her my phone

she typed in her number and she called her phone with my phone

and

yeah

she told me again what an amazing time she had

and that she was still happily in subspace

and that was amazing

the fact that I could leave someone in subspace a half hour after the scene was finished

and what's crazy is

I must have spent like three or four hours with her and it felt like it went by inside of twenty minutes

and yeah

this might be my future girlfriend

I'm scared though

a little scared

I don't know if she's the one

and I'm going to fall in love with her inside of a couple of weeks if she gives me the attention

-- and something tells me she will if she's willing to give me her number in a community where giving people your number is highly unusual even after months of knowing them

but this is amazing

and getting the hottest girl at the party AGAIN is a massive confidence boost

like, I have to be at least a little cute if I could manage it twice with barely any effort

I haven't been this happy in so long

the last time I was this happy was probably when I was a child on Christmas

I think I'm just that cute gregarious girl at the party now

and

it just makes me look back at my entire life and wonder what the hell I was doing

I am an extrovert

I need people

I recharge with social interactions

and I made my life a living hell by thinking I was an introvert

and god I was stupid about it all

I should have guessed it from the start

most people don't really know how to talk to strangers

and if you, as an extrovert, try to navigate life as a wallflower you're only going to pick up the people willing to spend their time talking to wall flowers who don't have developed social skills

and that's a pity fuck all too often

I wish I could just drill it into my head how easy it is to navigate a party in case I ever get too in my head again

anyway

ANNYWAYYY
anyway

so

my day didn't start great

but I called my boss to shoot the shit

and

I flirted with her

repeatedly

and she laughed over and over throughout it

not the slightest bit of resistance

and she called me again after her meeting

and I flirted even harder with her

and she still laughed even harder

and I told her I was worried that I was going to cause her to miss her meeting

and she said I'm way more fun anyway

and I said I'm way more fun than most people and she just giggled

and like

I'm pretty sure we're crossing lines here

I think the line was in the sand and we just kicked it and walked past its remnants

but

I keep telling myself: this is your one precious life, what are you going to do with it

and my response is always: make it remarkable

and like

if I lose my job

big fucking deal

it's weird for tech people to not change jobs every year

and besides

my older boss from this SAME job is all up in my dms asking to spend vacation with me

I am really not hot

I am cute

but I am not hot

so I don't know why my boss wants to complicate her life with me

I'm almost sure she has a husband but she never mentions him

either way

and like

it will almost certainly go no where

but

I already know how lethal I am

the number of women who have cheated on their partners with me over barely any impetus on my part is just nuts

does she know how lethal I am?

does she get that I only have two talents?

love and figuring things out?

and I hate to admit it

but part of me wants to fuck up exes lives by randomly reappearing in their partner's life and creating a little meet cute that gets them wrapped up in me

gets them to fall in love with me

and then break the exes heart

but is that what I want to do with my one precious life?

just once sounds a little fun

and it really only takes me a couple of weeks to get someone to start falling for me

lol

... I think I might have some fun this year

and listen

I would only do it an ex who cheated on me

so it's only fair they get cheated on, too, right?

I'm already getting bored

my exes are probably with boring ass men doing nothing with their lives anyway

anyway

I went to a party in Riverside

and god that was a fuckin drive

but

I met like five new people

they all seemed to like me and I made four of them laugh a few times

as I was leaving one of the women to keep my nails the way they are (I have medium gel-x extensions on all but my two fingers; look up lesbian fingernails)

and I laughed and said I was surprised she noticed

and she laughed and said, "especially those two"

and I was like, "oh I use those for bowling"

she laughed hard and asked me if she could give me a hug

and she fully pressed her tits into mine and pressed me into her further through her hands on my back

and I think a year ago I would have been blown away by that

but now it's just another Friday where a new woman is getting handsy with me

three

all today

three women interested in me

the first one dropped in my dms talking about getting me cyber pregnant (we talked at the party yesterday about her background in cyber security)

the second one was incredibly excited to have me again to the point where she was like "duh of course I want that" (literally "duh!!!")

the third one hit me up on instagram telling me about how nice my hair looked today (this was the girl that hired me and has flirted with me every month since we spent time in Sacramento)

and I know there are a couple more from the party last night who are too shy to dm me

and I'm probably going to meet a couple more tomorrow

this feels fucking amazing

I don't understand why it's all at once

but

it's exhilarating

and on the flip side

on the not so great side

it's making me throw caution to the wind

and

it's making really want to give L that all consuming love that my best friend talks so much about

I want to experience her for all she's got

I want to see what a brilliant and ambitious woman has to offer in terms of love

I want to do things I absolutely shouldn't do

and maybe I'll talk myself out of it in the morning

maybe that will be a good thing

but if things keep going well

I'm going to complicate the fuck out of her life

it was an amazing fucking night

and a bit of a wild start

it started with seeing my doctor who has me on hrt

a doctor I've had a crush on since the moment I met her -- until today

and

idk

I've lost my crushes on so many people

-- and as an aside, I never stopped feeling so attached to S, so I guess that is more proof I am actually in love with her despite all my changes that made me stop crushing on so many

and

god

I didn't realize how easy it was to make my doctor laugh

like, I was genuinely not trying to be funny

not even a little

and she laughed so hard at certain moments where I was just so fucking confused

but I didn't act like it -- I just giggled as I do

and then at one point

she tried impressing me with the international conference she's going to and how she could possibly get some in Israel to treat me

-- and she genuinely doesn't know anyone in Israel so..

and it made me wonder if the crush was mutual?

because I have made her laugh so hard so many times over the two years I've known her

and now that I have a fuckton of experience socializing, I know most people don't laugh that hard at the normal things I say

and I also know that I laugh really hard at eccentric things someone says when I really really like them

I know I find them a lot funnier than they are

and at the end of it

-- at the end of the conversation of talking about me heading back from the middle east

she said I could see her sooner than our six month followup if I wanted to

which is fucking wild

there is nothing to check on

I'm two years in to a steady hrt regiment that hasn't changed at fucking all in 8 months

and at the end of the conversation she softly told me it was always a pleasure talking to me

and then her assistant calls me and tells me she wants to see me on the 25th of December

and I'm like... no? that's christmas, girl

and she was like, oh yeah, that's right, let me ask the doctor again

and she came back and said oh she wants to see you the 28th

and it's like girl

you said, "I CAN see you earlier than six months IF I WANT TO"

that's barely four months and that is the dead week everyone has between Christmas and NYE

like what the fuck, girl

that was weird as shit

I genuinely have no clue how to interpret that

and like

it's making me think about how she was telling me she was thinking about me when Alex Honnold was climbing Taipei 101

and it's like

girl

what

girl, what do you mean you're thinking of me??

you probably have like a thousand patients

and like

any other time

I would be ecstatic at the interest

a super smart funny and incredibly attractive doctor has taken an interest in me?

normally: FUCK YEAH

but

idk

I'm just not into her anymore

and I'm just weirded out right now

like, I would absolutely love to date someone like that

but I'm just not feeling that anymore

anyway

ANYWAY
anyway

so

there was a party tonight

and

I was thinking it was going to be lame as fuck

but

I mingled

and I'm so fucking good at mingling now

I met so many people and I made so many people laugh their asses off

at the end of it, I had a small circle of friends who really really wanted me around them

one woman was so incredibly bratty and would not stop fucking with me -- it was kinda cute

anyway

by the end of it

I must have gotten ten different heartfelt hugs by the time I left

it felt so fucking nice that I was adored so much I got so many hugs from a party with like seventy plus people

idk

I'm on the fucking moon right now

I'm happy as fuck

I really feel like I found my place in the world :)

I found my community

I think the parties and everything started as a means to have lots of fun and find like minded people

but it's grow into something so much more than that

this feels like home

these people feel like home

I love how thoughtful they are with caring for others

-- which is a bit rich for a community so intent on hurting each other

but

they care

so much

so fucking much

I went to a class tonight on bottoming for rope

and

we spent like two hours on consent

and all the forms it comes in

which was way more nuanced than I thought

but god

I never felt more happy to be included with another group of people

and I had heard some of this before

from the same community but more than fifty miles away

and I think one thing intrinsic to doing this the right way

is not letting your ego govern your actions

which can be so fucking hard when someone gives you access to their body and asks you to do your worst

but just knowing

that someone gave you access to their body in the most visceral ways

it feels like a privilege

a complete and utter gift that someone apart of the community you love gave you something that should never be given under normal circumstances

it feels like I've finally found my home

and a place to rest my head for awhile

(and also a place to hone my craft)

ALSO
also

also

so that woman who gave me a very cute "hello" a month ago and these little cute walks every time she passed by me

I saw that she was going to attend the class today

and holy shit when I saw that she was the one teaching the class

I was in complete awe

apparently she had done rope tying for like a decade

and

she was so fucking nervous teaching the class

and I couldn't tell if she was just nervous in general

but

I did this thing

a thing that would have annoyed the fuck out of me like a few years ago

-- at least as a student

I nodded along and gave her warm positive feedback

occasionally smiling and something silly she said

-- even if I didn't find it funny

but it calmed her nerves down so much

and she focused on me the rest of the class

it was the cutest thing ever

even at the end

she was taking questions

and I stayed a little longer because I didn't want to be the first to go

and she would crack jokes and then look at me

it was so fucking cute

oh

and the reason I used to hate it was because teacher's pet style attitudes always seemed to give off looking for validation in all the wrong places

but

I did it for her

well, I did for people like me

because god I know how badly it sucks to present to a group of people who all just have blank faces

and I wanted to be her rock

so that it didn't turn into this humiliating social experience that feeds her social anxiety

anyway

it was awesome

I'm glad I could be there for someone in a way that I have needed in the past :)

today was one of the most boring days ever

i did think a lot about love and being in love, though

and I'm reluctant to share this here because I know it has the potential to hurt

and I don't want to hurt anyone

no matter what anyone might think of my intentions

and I still deeply care about the one person I think this can hurt

and I genuinely don't care how much resentment she has for me, I don't want to hurt her

but I do want to write my truth

and I don't want my truth to be lost to a private journal

anyway

I've begun to realize there might be a clear distinction here

and

I'm not sure what got me thinking about it

maybe it was L and her query of what love is

and I don't know if I was in a relationship with someone I was in love with in my twenties beyond one person

and we broke up by the time I was twenty-one

I did love my girlfriends

and one of them I loved her so much I wanted to spend the rest of my with her

but

I think the distinction is excitement to see the other person

that their mere presence makes the day fun or exciting

and in the best case scenario: just showing up instantly makes the day better

I've had that in my teenage years

and I thought in my twenties that was just young love

and I gave up on it

but in my thirties

I know how utterly exciting it can be to spend every day with someone

(ugh I really don't want to be writing this out; there is a possibility she still reads these)

and that's made dating so much harder

it's not enough for someone to have chemistry with me

-- two of my crushes have pretty good chemistry with me

they have to be the light to my heart

I am having a moment of sorts

I keep having flashbacks to twenty one years ago

with my first love

and how

at the end of eighth grade, she told me she still loved me

and she is on my instagram

and we chat on occasion

and there have been at least thirty loves since her

but it's just making me sad

it makes me wonder about S

and if she is still in love with me

and I know it's unfair to wonder that

I know she is grieving a shitty breakup

but

idk

she was just in my bed nibbling on my fingers less than 24 hours ago

and

we had the most strangely intimate moment we've ever had:

her suffocating me

and she took it too far

it went from play when she just pinched my nose shut and held her hand over my mouth

but after a minute of looking her in the eyes

I needed air

and she didn't let go when I tried to move my head to get air

she did let go eventually but for a few seconds she held on

and that was so fucking hot

on the other hand

I could see how I might be a play toy to her

but that probably isn't fair

she was obsessed with me for a minute

she kept trying schemes to get me back in her life

it wasn't until she got a boyfriend that she disappeared off the face of the map

but even then

she cheated on him with me before she disappeared

-- god even she has cheated on her partner with me

-- and that was at the absolute beginning of their romantic love

-- why do people keep cheating on their partners with me

and now she is back

and she is chalk full of insecurities

and I get it

I know how the world sees her

I know how it sees where she doesn't fit the classical mold

but I sit in awe every time I see her

and I don't know why

if I didn't know her, I don't know if I would notice her on the street

but I love her immensely

and I just find that confusing

like today

my crush

she stared longingly at me from across the party several times

and my crush is incredibly hot

but I just couldn't care less

she seems so dull in comparison to S's brilliance

and that is what's confusing

I would notice someone like my crush any day of the week from across the room

and I know why I love S

I know all the many reasons I love her

but the how part is the most confusing

my theory right now is she was there for me right at the beginning of the breakup

and all the touching, teasing, and closeness is what made her able to access my heart in the way she did

and it feels utterly stupid to think about her like this

I know she is just as much of a slut as I am

I know she spent the night trying to hook up with someone

just as I did tonight

-- well I didn't hook up with anyone, but I sure as fuck played with at least ten people

and I want to resent her for it

I want to spend so much of my time with her

-- and maybe she wants to spend that time with me
-- she smiled wide and coyly asked, "why?" when I asked her what she was doing today

why am I even thinking about this

okay

let's pivot

the party was amazing

I got compliments on my shoes and my nails almost immediately

I started hanging out with an older couple almost immediately

and then

I went up to another friend and she ran up to me and hugged me immediately

my crush confirmed her continued interest by looking longingly at me from across the room multiple times

and

I got spanked, flogged, and whipped by like ten people

two of those people were incredibly cute women

and they all fucking thanked me for it

they thanked me for it

which was wild

I felt like they were doing me a favor by letting me engage in debauchery

and they were just happy to play with my body

and it was really fun

didn't realize a dragon tail could hurt so fucking much

my butt still fucking hurts from that

idk

it was a great fucking weekend and I shouldn't overthink it :)

but I will anyways because that's what I do best :)

I've been thinking about her all day

and the biggest thing I keep thinking about is the fact that I allow her to keep coming back

even though she has abandoned me on occasion

even though she has lied her ass off on occasion

and I compare that to my best friend

where I don't always allow her to come back

and I think the biggest difference is that S doesn't issue cutting insults in the heat of conflict

there is no one on this planet I have resonated with more than my best friend

not by a longshot

but

she has cut me far too many times that I have grown scar tissue around the parts of my heart that belong to her

and it's not that I want it that way

I want to love her the way I used to

and it's not that I love her any less

it's just that there is so much scar tissue that I can't feel her as vibrantly right now

anyway

I'm going to another party in a few hours

and

I realized something as I was driving into my parking garage:

cis men in my community treat me worse than cis men outside my community

and

I realized it because so many of the cis men I interact on a weekly basis in Venice beach are genuinely happy to see me

they smile a big smile when I twirl my fingers at them

and

it made me develop this pet theory that so many cis men just need a bit of femininity acknowledging their existence on a regular basis

but I think my community attracts some of the worst kinds of cis men

and I think the rise of the manosphere plays a huge part in it

I think it has attracted men who genuinely want patriarchy and are using our community as a means to act out their worst desires

anyway

one other thing I noticed at the party last night was that my social skills had far outgrown S's

she was too scared to go up to random people and just chat

at one point there was this guy who she found really hot (and he was, he was like 6 ft and fucking ripped, but I find cis men utterly disgusting right now)

and she really wanted to talk to him

so I just walked up to and started talking to him (she followed)

and to be fair, I had no idea what I was going to say

but I've learned that starting out with a compliment is enough to get people to bring their walls down

anyway

he chatted with us but was far more interested in talking to me despite S's efforts to get his attention

which was wild, you would think the cis woman in her 20s with an amazing rack would be far more attractive to a cis man than a random trans chick only 2 years into her transition

especially so that I wasn't interested in him

but

w/e

it's weird that I'm getting so good at this

I had so much fucking social anxiety just four years ago that I would freeze up at parties

now

now I can scan a party for interesting people and walk up and just start chatting

maybe finding my forever partner will get a lot easier now that I can just talk to just about anyone with little fear

anyway

I have to go pee and get ready for this party

I have no fucking clue what I'm going to wear

should I be a slut as ujahhh

or actually dress like I don't want everyone in the room to fu