u/hellishfart

you smell like a bonfire. you smell like the woods. i can feel the grit of your words like im using my hands to bury myself beneath your tallest tree. I could swim the length of your legs, get completely lost in you. so much so that we end and begin in indistinguishable places.

i know where you’ve been, and i want that too. i know that look in your eye. tell me more, tell me more. i need to know the changing of your internal season. i need to know you.

they say there is no honor among thieves, and i believe it to be so. but if i were an honest man, i'd have stolen you for myself. if i were an honest man, i'd have taken your hand that night. held you until morning. told you everything. whispered i love you while we made love. if i were an honest man, i'd have asked you to stay.

if you were an honest person, you'd have asked the hard questions. told me the incomprehensible ways that you carried me with you through every departure. picked a fight when you knew i was being unfair. called me a jerk and then met me out for dinner. if you were an honest person, you would've never left.

we should be more honest people

I saw 2 through the clouds.

One, sitting in a hotel room in Charlotte at 2 am. Out the window, from the corner of my eye, shooting downward in a bright white flash against an otherwise empty sky.

The second while heading back home. On a 6 hour drive, flashing in front of me, almost as bright as the first. I was hazy and half sleeping and couldn’t be too sure if I was imagining the street lights growing white flashing tails. In my amazement, eyes locked on new movement in the sky, I almost crashed.

Both gone just as quickly as they arrived. What a sight to behold, how the heavens dance.

it is easy to be hard.

steel, bone, briar,

gnashing teeth, scraping nails.

but i crave softer things.

linen cheeks, rose brushed sheets,

daffodils on the mind

I have something to say. I have some things to say. I have something. I have some things. I have some. I have things. Have some things, have some. Things I have to say. Say some things. Something. Things I have. I have to say something. I have to. I have. Have things. Have to say. Say something. Something I have. I have say. Say to. Say I have. Have. I, something. Something something something. Some things have. Have I?

Tuesday morning and I can’t seem to find a decent cup of coffee. I think someone is curious on how I feel. I feel. I think, therefore I am. I am what? I am sepia toned man donning trench coat and fedora, and I look for clues. I look, I look, I overlook minor details. Little residuals and tidbits I purposely ignore. I cloak myself in blissful ignorance. Happily un-knowing like my mystery never happened. It works well for keeping happy. But I don’t work, I am fragile you see. And mystery tolls on the fragility of me. What is, I am?

In a dream, I was lost in a field. High grasses browning under a blue-purple sky. White towers with spin-tops shooting up and out of reach. Man made trees and things. I am a man made tree. I am a man made of trees making man made trees. Planting my seeds with limbs spinning in the breeze. I am? If all that I am is what I am told, am I?

I set aside every fear I had. Every thought where you were anything other than human. Anything that told me to run and hide, I ignored it. Because the way I felt for you outweighed anything that could possibly hold me back. It wasn’t reasonable. It was downright creepy and ridiculous, the lengths I would have gone to be with you. That’s who I was then and that’s how much you meant to me.

I tried very hard. Too hard. But it’s useless when the trying is only coming from one person. I wish I’d realized that sooner. And me today would go back in time and shake myself out of it if I could. You did nothing to warrant my behavior other than leave when I asked you to. And if it were me, I’d be completely resistant to anyone wanting me THAT BAD when the feeling is not mutual.

I hope you are well and comfortable in knowing that nothing else is about you, but this might be.

maybe i had to go in an effort to preserve what was left of us. what is left of me. maybe i can’t be the friend you need when i am trying to be what i need right now. maybe i am doing this for us. what are you doing for us?

ive loved you since we were kids. that won’t stop. but you are not being a good friend to me anymore.

it is easy to be hard

steel, bone, briar

gnashing teeth, scraping nails

but i crave softer things.

linen cheeks, rose brushed sheets,

daffodils on the mind

They say the main drivers in human reasoning and decision making are hunger and fear. That in moments of crisis, we will always revert to our baser animal instincts. But I believe there is a stronger motivator.

I had the thought while traversing a park pathway near a lake. A mother goose, kids in tow, put herself between me and her babies and hissed fiercely. And I thought to myself, why would this little lady put herself up against an entire human much larger than herself? Noted that geese are fearless, but they are not the only animals to display such behavior. Is it protective measures in an effort to ensure the survival of their species? Purely procreation based? What can overcome fear?

There is an animal that will starve itself to death in order to feed its offspring. Spider I think? Can’t remember which one.

I watched a video the other day of a man standing in front of his significant other in the presence of a bear. She was there growling at the bear in an attempt to scare it off. But the man stepped in front of her and began to growl.

In a life or death situation, a man pulled me out of freezing water. On a shared raft, we hit rocks and I had gone overboard. My body froze in a crinkled half-fetal position. They don’t tell you about how instantly after hitting that kind of cold, you just lock up. There I was, where the rocks are at their most jagged, jutting out of this tumultuous and biting water, spinning around in the rapids. And in an instant, tipping himself over and narrowly joining me, he pulls me up, out, and back into my seat with a single hand.

What is it that overcomes us?

They say the main drivers in human reasoning and decision making are hunger and fear. That in moments of crisis, we will always revert to our baser animal instincts. But I believe there is a stronger motivator.

I had the thought while traversing a park pathway near a lake. A mother goose, kids in tow, put herself between me and her babies and hissed fiercely. And I thought to myself, why would this little lady put herself up against an entire human much larger than herself? Noted that geese are fearless, but they are not the only animals to display such behavior. Is it protective measures in an effort to ensure the survival of their species? Purely procreation based? What can overcome fear?

There is an animal that will starve itself to death in order to feed its offspring. Spider I think? Can’t remember which one.

I watched a video the other day of a man standing in front of his significant other in the presence of a bear. She was there growling at the bear in an attempt to scare it off. But the man stepped in front of her and began to growl.

In a life or death situation, a man pulled me out of freezing water. On a shared raft, we hit rocks and I had gone overboard. My body froze in a crinkled half-fetal position. They don’t tell you about how instantly after hitting that kind of cold, you just lock up. There I was, where the rocks are at their most jagged, jutting out of this tumultuous and biting water, spinning around in the rapids. And in an instant, tipping himself over and narrowly joining me, he pulls me up, out, and back into my seat with a single hand.

What is it that overcomes us?

for as long as i can remember, i have maintained that i am a good partner. but maybe im just not? maybe you and all the others would’ve been miserable here and we’re all better off this way. maybe love doesn’t mean any of the things it used to mean for me. maybe I’ve lost my taste for it completely. maybe I’m just having a bad week (or 2… or 900… )who really knows? who really cares? im not sure. i just know im tired of trying to be good to people that mean me the opposite. and who you were in all of it, i can’t really tell anymore.

After being stabbed in a robbery, you go to the doctor, hoping for care and healing. Right? Okay.

A doctor that wants you to live will bandage your wounds. Hook you up to machines that will monitor your beating heart, make sure it keeps beating. Give you fluids to replenish you. Stitch you up. You keep on living.

A doctor that wants you to die will dig their fingers into your open wounds. Grab their scalpel and add 20 more. Ignore your agonizing screams through the pain as they leave the room and lock the door behind them. And if you somehow live, they will say it was all in the name of growth. Now you are stronger, having endured such anguish and misery.

But what of your missing flesh? The scars, both visible and unseen? What if you never asked to be stronger? What if you just hoped that in your time of need, bleeding on the pavement, hobbling from blood loss, someone would come along and give a shit?

Now you see the sentiment as wishful thinking.

with all of the time that has passed, it would seem you are still your old self in many ways. and also not. i say this because i want to have something to be angry about. so im angry because you’ve changed and im angry because you are still the same. and i still hate you. and i still love you. but let’s regret none of the pain we’ve endured at the hand of the other and dance in moonlit parking lots. and when the inevitable happens and im calling your (my) blocked number while blubbering like a small child, don’t forget to shove the knife in deeper. and maybe in a few years you’ll call me and we’ll do it all over again. i don’t know. im running on two hours of sleep today and its the only reason i feel like speaking. fuk u i guess?

i had a drink on an empty stomach, just one.

earlier, my feet were on the pavement and it burned. all day, i have been melting. all my life, i have been running. and i believe the cracks are starting to show. never mind that. let’s focus on the now. i had a drink on an empty stomach, and i believe the cracks are starting to show. i mean…sigh

it started storming. “seemed like it’d been trying to rain all day”, he says. but i hadn’t noticed. all i know is that im a stick of butter in an oven and the man across the street walks himself up and down these roads every day, gotta be in his sixties, and i don’t know how he does it because im delirious in this heat. the pavement is cracking.

i watched a cicada take flight for the first time. silly little things look ridiculous. head too big for their own good.

I’d hate to leave on a sour note, so I won’t tell you how I feel about it all. I just know I can’t stay in this anymore. So,

Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity bloo

Goodbye to all of you

(ESPECIALLY you)

(Again) :))

i pray for happiness, peace, clarity. love and comfort. blessings and compassion. friends and family with reasons to smile. i pray for much needed endings, healing, and new beginnings.

but more than anything else, i pray you are satisfied.