Reckoning and Closure
To You,
My god, it hit me today like a ton of bricks!
You were a well disguised relic of past mistakes and behaviors I thought I had moved past. But you are a user and an abuser, a vacuous void of a man I had already learned to avoid. You just hid better, like a cuttlefish.
No…you aren’t remarkable or good. You’re the kind of man who currently is taking sexual advantage of a mentally unwell girl half your age (and lying about it…ew.) That depraved emptiness in you is why your wife left you, why you can’t get a job, it’s why I quickly outgrew my fondness for you and saw the disgusting creature carefully camouflaged.
Your failures and emotional voids are not because you’re so deep and knowledgeable and that makes you unknowable—It’s because you’re broken and expect everyone to fix everything for you and put up with your bad behavior along the way. You expect people to thank you for the chance to hold your vile bits. You aren’t “sunshine”, you’re a solar flare—all radiation and destruction.
Today I had the moment of clarity I have been waiting on and needed to leave you behind for good. To stop feeling bad and sad replaying the “good parts” as if that would somehow help me feel better for abandoning you to yourself. And when that moment hit…I was disgusted that I thought I needed to help you. That I thought there was validation of being someone who endures mistreatment while you “healed”, simply to say I’m strong enough to withstand it. I had already learned this lesson, and left that man behind too. Thankfully I snapped out of it much quicker with you. Why would I ever trade myself for you? We aren’t equally yolked.
You found me at a vulnerable time and place, and for a while offered comfort I wanted. Some self soothing while I navigated my way forward. It’s when you decided that you were someone I needed that you changed. Started being manipulative, controlling, and lying. And doing it so clumsily. Yet you actually lacked the character to be someone I would be with. The people I need are already in my life and I am well and truly loved.
You really thought I would stay and be cowed into submitting to you and that kind of “love”. But I never did, did I? Ohhh that ate you alive…Losing. Not getting your way. My refusal to submit to your bullshit. My adamant requirements that you be better or leave me alone. (Which you couldn’t do, so I left.)
I have always been and will always be stronger than you. My intuition greater, my self love more complete. My relationship with accountability and boundaries more healthy and in tact. I just needed a few days out from under the oppressive stink that was you, cloying and clinging to my being and coattails, to remember I am whole and complete on my own.
You needed me. Not the other way around.
So this is last thing I ever put out in the universe regarding you. You are insignificant and small, the chaos you see and feel around you reflects the chaos within you. You aren’t kind. You aren’t evolved. You’re a 40 year old, unemployed and unemployable man with a God complex, a wannabe thought leader ( *ahem* cult leader), with predilection for young and vulnerable women. Which you hide by pursuing women beyond your ability to meaningfully compliment. And when they find out and call you on it, you become a self righteous and abusive prick. There’s nothing divine within you. Nothing special about you.
You’re insecure and lack true confidence and self esteem but you attempt to siphon it from women because of your unhealed mommy wounds. You’re a predator, and a liar, and underneath all of that: a sad broken boy who can’t forgive his parents for not loving him enough. All while you also don’t love yourself and refuse to learn. You weaponize therapeutic language to feel superior because you lack the actual depth of character and self compassion to actually grow. It’s not worth it to wish you peace.
I leave you to be as you have always been self destined to be.
Unremarkable.
Unmemorable.
Unlovable.
Common loot.
Good fucking riddance.