u/Newlife5155

Dear sleeping beauty,

Today is gonna be hard and I acknowledge that.
But we made progress for the first time today.
I had a 3 hour phone call with you and neither of us yelled at each other. Which does solidify the fact that I think a lot of this is caused by seasonal work stress.

You also said you haven’t talked to the apartments yet about the lease because then you couldn’t take it back. And you acknowledged that we should have just had a conversation to start out with instead of blowing up. And I’m not gonna say it’s a win on my part but you’ve given up on using an app to get laid, thank goodness. Regardless of your intentions I don’t want you going around and catching something ya know?

I may go stay the night later I haven’t decided fully but my parents have a inspection and it’s close to my time of the month and I don’t wanna be stuck in my brothers room for that. Realistically is the safest time for me to be there without us doing something we’d regret.

I’m gonna talk to my brother tommorow cause I have a little “project” I would like to work on with him. I found an old love song I wrote but never actually completed so I’d like to record it as a sort of therapy. Personally I HATE the sound of my own voice but it’s also the perfect pitch for singing voices that you love.

I also have a seperate project I wanna work on but I’ll leave that as a secret for now.

I know your stances on us haven’t changed overall but with time I think we actually might over come this. At the very least I’ll stay in your life so long as I can be more mature about things.

You did make me go back and look at some of the things I sent you which I will admit in my panic was definitely not great…and I think I should get my adhd reevaluated. I just wish you had told me before all this happened ya know? I can see why you were pushing me on certain things now even if technically they’re not the kind of meds I would have needed I can see that you were just doing your best.

Truth is love does make people crazy, but sometimes it does so in a way that triggers us to act differently than who we actually are. I do think my sleep, food, and overall habits I’ve picked up have in fact triggered something in me without my knowledge.

You work untill the evening tommorow so I’ll be on my own at our apartment for a while whether I stay the night or not.

I also found out more about your stance on everything church related and why things are the way they are. It’s not something you let me ask about a lot before but I’m glad I know better now. And as a bonus I got to ask a question I’ve been dying to ask for the last 8 years and while I was scared of what you would say it’s both the best and worst possible answer I could have gotten. The best because it means you were truly loyal during that time (I wasn’t sure cause there were some issues the following year) and the worst because someone I can’t remember who definitely saw my birthday suit….(darn teenage years)

But you did admit you still have your beliefs and they haven’t changed so maybe I can work with you on that as well, it’s been several years so it’ll be hard but I doubt many of the members remember but if you want to accomplish the goal you had back then and eventually have the wedding you pictured then this will need to happen and I do think it’ll be a big factor in you healing.

For now I think I’ll sit down and work on a little step by step plan to really fix us so we can be good together even if apart if that’s what it takes. And hopefully your mother will finally stop disliking me hahaha…

Xoxo— newlife5155

Dear anyone…

4 days…4 hours of sleep…. No matter what I eat I can’t keep it down…. Not even my favorites…. The stomach acid hurts but I can’t help it much more than I have…. My body physically hurts in places I didn’t know it could….

Everyone keeps saying I’ll be ok and that it’ll get better….i don’t think it will this time…. The meds arnt helping and the homeless council can’t seem to help me….. I can try to get a one time rent voucher but that’s the only thing they offered but even that’s a slim chance….

I have a feeling I’ll collapse before I can manage to get the help I need….

I bet sleeping beauty doesn’t even miss me…
I think he muted me….

My brother read some of the messages I sent and thinks that they were pretty well thought out… and as someone who’s been so hurt he doesn’t think i was being an asshole.

I wanna tell myself that it’s just a phase and that he got so stressed out he forced himself to push me away so I can’t watch as he becomes self destructive himself… but he deleted the one thing from his bio he’s never deleted before….

On my worst days that one little sentence gave me hope….. I wanna go home….more than anything….
I wanna see the cats…. I wanna curl up under a comfy blanket on the bed and cry my heart out….
But I feel unwelcome…. I feel like everything I worked for is gone…..

I feel like I’ve been thrown away…like the last 10 years were nothing…..

Maybe in another life your love could have been unconditional…..

I hate that in the brief moments of sleep I only see you….no matter how much I pray to see a soulmate some who’s actually meant for me….i only see you….

I would have given my life to give you the child you craved… that’s the reality of how much respect I had for you… yes I would have liked to live as well but I wanted to give you everything…to surrender all that I was….

I wanna be in the cats lives…but I don’t think you’ll allow it…..even if I had the means I don’t think you’d even let me keep Kiara…..

Everyone I’ve talked to says I’m not heartless or selfish it’s just you and my step father…. You kept comparing yourself to him for the longest time so I guess that makes sense you’d start thinking like him….

He said that the fact you didn’t keep your thoughts to yourself and purposely said so many things to hurt me is prof that you don’t care tho… that he’s wanted to divorce so many times but kept the bad thoughts to himself because it’s not helpful and is the same as giving up. He said that if you did love me that you would have wanted to keep it to yourself….

In a way I think that’s true…I’ve had thoughts here and there over the years but I never voiced them because once I voiced them those thoughts would start to become my reality…instead I tried to focus on things about you that I love….

For example here’s a short list:

1- your accent…I mentioned in on my last post
2- your way with children
3- the lines by your eyes when you laugh
4- how you shake your head backwards and have such a belly laugh
5- that you would always bring me chocolate right when I needed it without me even mentioning it
6- the way you sweep the carpet
7.-the way you use the bathroom(weird ik)
8-you never met me get cold
9- Palworld with you
10-your tight embrace
11- how much you value others
12- you always try to get gifts for everyone at thrift stores
13- how much you help Grammy
14-your always looking for new opportunities
15- you never settle for a job you hate

Maybe me putting this list out in the open is selfish… maybe me writing in a daily diary out in public is selfish….and yeah it’s not the 200+ reasons or the make believe wedding vows I have saved in that Google Doc but it’s evident that I can still have love and show love when I’m having a hard time believing it actually exists…

I doubt you’ll want to keep anything from our relationship… and that hurts… I wanna trust that our time together and the things I shared meant something to you…

You’re back at your regular job this week. And I hope that can help the stress. I know even tho is didn’t seem like it was helping you much that you do for the most part enjoy the work from what I can tell.

I don’t know what’s gonna happen to me anymore… I’ll admit it’s terrifying. I don’t wanna get hurt or have some thing like actually happen to me but I feel as if this might be the final year of my life.

Xoxo- newlife5155

Dear sleeping beauty,

Yesterday was the 2cd worst day of my life…..

I thought I had more time…that things would end on a better note than this

I know you won’t read this….
I’m not sure I’d want you too….

I made the worst dumb comment after the break up and it regarded abortion… which for those that don’t know my I’m against unless of course there’s a medical reason.

Anyways you’ve been saying I have no respect for family since then and that I’m a child killer or maybe that’s something I started calling myself as a result to how you’ve reacted….

You have decided that that single comment that goes against 10 years worth of my saying otherwise now justifies you ending things…

I want a child more than anyone however I promised myself I’d only ever have kids with you so I know that’s out the window unless someone really special can change my mind but I highly doubt I’ll ever meet someone that will measure up to you…

You’ve decided you’re buying out the apartment lease and effectively leaving me homeless and taking our cats with you….

I’m worried what will become of them or if I’ll ever see them again….especially Kiara…. She was supposed to be a gift after losing Avery…..

I know she’s attached to bumper and you tho so I won’t argue about it. I only hope you take better care of Millie…..I’m afraid of what the coming stress will do to her…,losing saphy increased her seizure activity so badly….but for me to be gone I’m afraid she’ll think I abandoned her…..

When I named this account new life I didn’t think it would turn into a litteral sense…..I just meant it as a hope to become healthy……

I never would imagine you’d truly abandon me….
I will always love you….and I understand that as you are right now the idea of forgiveness towards me is impossible….

I hope our paths cross again some day… during our last break up you never really saw how dark things got or how much I lost my smile…. I hope I can avoid some of that this time…. But I truly don’t think I’ll recover for many years….

I’ll keep the ring and out of respect for what we had I won’t go looking for someone new even though it appears to me you have already started looking in an app….

You tried to lie and pretend you downloaded something random while half asleep…. You should have known I’d see right through that fake voice…you’re a terrible liar…and apparently an even worse actor….

Honestly I do think that’s the first acting I’ve seen you do that wasn’t your chipper Irish accent….

Gods how I love that accent….ill miss it something fierce…. I remember the very first time I heard it…

You were sitting at the nerd table and busted it out saying “I can talk like this when ever I want” I forget if it was hawes or Franklin but i remember one of them being like hold up do it again and I just know hawes must have had that wide eyed look that he does…

Mermaid is talking about moving me out to Oklahoma after I get my stuff from “your” apartment…. A b if part of me wants to stay here…but you made a comment about wanting to ship me off out of state…. So in a way I feel like I have to go….

Even during a break up I’m still trying to do what you want…..I know I should focus on myself….but 10 years of being at your side have left me with habits I can’t shake…, not yet anyways….

I wish I could hear your accent one last time….but I even know if I’ll ever see you again in the mean time…. I have no clue if you home right now cause I’m not….for all I know you’ve already got your first hookup and you’re there right now…..

I wish I knew what was inside your head…you said that even with all of this is constantly in your thoughts….but I want to hear those thoughts….i want to know if all this is truly how you feel or maybe your running from something….maybe your leaving me because your scared my health with have you losing me….and maybe in your mind this will soften the blow…

I wish you wouldn’t have given up. Not only on us but on yourself…

Xoxo— newlife5155

Dear diary,

Sleeping beauty read the last entry…. I just wanted to give him some fond memories…. But I guess I hated it….

I won’t continue our story any further tho I want to…

I honestly wish I hadn’t been born

….newlife5155

Dear sleeping beauty ✨,

After those two magical weeks of my sophomore year let’s head into summer beginning with your graduation and up until you left on your mission.

I told you I couldn’t go to your graduation but tbh I never actually asked my parents, I don’t think they quite knew we were dating n yet tho so that makes sense. I did tune in to the ceremony at the perfect time during the live stream. Once I opened my screen up it was just in time to see you walk. I sent you a text saying congrats and then closed the stream cause you were the only one I wanted to see.

I felt bad cause you got excited thinking I was there. I still treasure your graduation announcement that you gave me. I think I’ve got a couple extras tucked away for safe keeping, you were so handsome in your photos.

By this point we had our first date at the movie theater I think it was a transformers movie I don’t quite remember anymore I remember wanting to see baywatch but you said no cause it was rated r and I didn’t know your family had rules about that yet.

I remember you dad taking us and trying to be funny my saying he was a psych major in college and then asked if I knew what my hat said about me. Ngl that scared the crap outta me…lowkey i probably looked like a deer in the headlights. I think I met your mom that same week and as friendly as she was I think she scared me more.

That summer you were probably at my house every other day, even when you were grounded. You’d run the 2-5ish miles (I’m bad at distance ik) and come walking in my front door looking like you just walked through a sprinkler but man was I a sucker for the sweat dripping off your forehead. I’m sure your mom scolded you everytime she had to pick you up haha…

I remember you telling me exactly how you can sneak in and out of your window and how much trouble your older brother used to get into. I thought you were crazy but I was so grateful to see you. My step father started treating me more like a person even if it was temporary.

The best part is the fact we weren’t even doing the stuff you expect from most teens. Held the summer we spent between yard work, babysitting my younger siblings and watching tom and Jerry.

I mean sure we got handsy a bit at times but that was the most of it and you somehow had me convinced you were a virgin hahaha…. Boy was I wrong when I found out several years later. I mean it’s not surprising you were pretty damn hot to look at so to not have had any experience would have been wild but man were you a bad kisser back then….

Ngl I wouldn’t be surprised if it was a dealbreaker for some of your exes….

We continued on like that up till August and you had to work the fair. You would send me the cutest texts before leaving for work. I lived for those. I’d always have one set and my phone background and another as my phone keyboard. My teenage self couldn’t get enough….hell my adult self still looks at them.

At some point during the fair you bought me a promise ring. And changed you Facebook profile to say “currently dating the love of my life” through every break up and even now (for the moment) it hasn’t changed

After the fair ended you took me to see King Arthur at the $5 theater and slipped the ring on my finger without a word. I was stunned but it became such a treasured memory.

A couple week after that your family headed to the beach but you couldn’t invite me. By chance tho my family woke up that day and decided to go to the beach and let me pick which one to go to ahahaha…

I didn’t get to spend time with you when we finally got there but I didn’t manage to see you in the side walk as you went to go eat at the same place I had just had lunch. We sent pictures back and forth all day. It was both the weirdest and best beach trip I’d ever have.

The last bit of the summer continued in like the rest up until you got your mission papers…. Your family threw a whole party and it’s the only time my parents really interacted with your family…. I was happy you’d only be a couple states away and not a whole country apart. I felt so foreign among all those people tho and didn’t really know anyone.

Shortly after that school started I only had you for about a month and you’d show up during my breaks and walk me to class like a princess just like the year before and the teachers were non the wiser cause you’d bring a backpack full of yugioh cards to play with some of our friend group hahaha…

There was one day I bought the wrong book from the book store and i remember getting called down to the office because you went and bought the one I ment to get and dropped it off at school for me as a surprise and left a note saying how much you loved me.

After a little while one of the teachers did point you out and a few days after that you were gone for your mission… I never came to say goodbye…I wanted to but if I’m honest I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it…you said I wouldn’t really be able to act like a girlfriend and I’d have to kinda idk be distant is kinda how you put it cause you’d wouldn’t be able to hug me.

I really tried to throw myself in clubs at school after that but this entry is summer focused so that’ll be all for this one

Xxxx— newlife5155

Dear diary,

Or rather

Dear sleeping beauty ✨,

Sleeping beauty are you reading this?
If you are maybe there’s hope, just maybe….

My heart-rate is pounding in my chest as I start to type this. On my old account I made a few love posts in various subs nothing as personal as this tho my heart.

Do you remember the first time you saw me?
I remember every first time I saw you…
The first time I saw you I was 7 years old and I lived on 313 smith street hundreds of miles away from where you were…. You were in my dreams… you were barely a figure that I could make out your face but I knew… you would be my everything.

The next time I saw you I was 8 it was another dream but that time I could see your side profile and a smile that was so perfect beyond anything I ever knew.

Over the years I started to give up on that love or suppose the idea that someone who seemingly was molded so perfectly could ever exist….

Then came freshman year…. 2 separate times I saw you that year. I thought I was imagining things the person from my dreams couldn’t possibly be real could he? Both those times I only saw you from a distance and while deep down I think I knew it was you I convinced myself it was separate people.

The first time I saw you was when you walked a girl to my class….normally I wouldn’t care about a guy walking a girl like that but you…. You had my whole attention…. I wanted to chase after you when you left… and for the week the two of you dated it became a secret pleasure to watch you at my science classrooms door even if it was with another girl.

The second time I saw you was at the final choir concert of the year…. As I’ve realized now this is probably false as there were other concerts before this but this concert was special and Every jne had special outfits and choreographed performances and there you were at the front of your class just a half best behind but I couldn’t take my eyes off you. It felt like the theater fell away as I watched. You were so perfect….

Statistically speaking moving half way across the country and finding you should have been impossible and after that year I tried to ignore it. I was just another delusional girl, I must have been.

Then came my sophomore year….by this time your were a senior and close to graduating. The next time I saw you was a few month into the year, I had gotten pretty busy with a friend group and we ate on the opposite side of the building. But then just my luck one of the girls dated a pair of best friends back to back (yikes) and the group split… so I followed the guys to the nerd table and there you were except instead of shining like before you were gloomy and dark…. And soooo mysterious just like my dreams.

You wore a jacket that covered your face and barely said a word but I knew those eyes… yet I still didn’t know your name….

I took up playing yugioh to get closer… which evidently worked.

After a while our friends started talking about how they had this guy I just had to meet…and your friends did the same for you…. Eventually I looked you up online….i couldn’t believe the guy they wanted me to get to know was the same guy I was crushing on and come to find out was the same guy/s from the year prior.

I tried so many times to confess but couldn’t work up the courage…sorry it took so long haha… by the time I worked up the courage there was maybe 2 weeks left of the school year.

I pretended to be home sick that day with the lamest excuse to talk to you, I wouldn’t have guessed you’d be at the dentist skipping school that day… in the end we talked all day and you ended up asking me out. I did a half cartwheel in the hallway while my stomach did flips and even screenshotted it to my friend to make sure I wasn’t dreaming.

Of course I planned to be sick in a Friday so I’d get a here day weekend and the ability to recover from any embarrassment I would cause myself, that Monday coming back felt like magic.

I couldn’t believe you actually left the nerd table in the morning to come pick me up from the bus outside. And then you walked me to all my classes.
And later in the week during the senior assembly you ignored your classmates and sat with me instead… everyone looked so confused and you kept tickling me and making me squeal.

I felt like a princess the last two weeks of the school year. 4 months I spent trying to confess, for the relationship to come so easy felt surreal I didn’t know love could feel like that.

I plan to write more of these detailing more of our story and I know you’ve heard this part so many times before but hope you know how special you have always been to me

Xxxx- newlife5155

Dear diary,

I must be the most delusional person on the planet….

I’m single now…..

I didn’t even know he broke up with me….

I found out on Facebook……

He said even if things get better between us and that even if my health gets better we could never have a family…. He says my two previous miscarriages are proof……

….hes the only person who ever felt like home…. 9.5 years…I mean it was on and off a few times but it’s never felt so final…..

….this man was my entire world…. I don’t wanna loose him….

So much for the hope I thought I received yesterday

…..newlife5155

Dear diary,

I hit a new low today… moneys gotten really tight and my partner and I got into a pretty messy argument at 2 am…

So I did the one thing I’ve suggested for years and created an only fans….its still awaiting verification and I don’t know what I’ll post yet but idk…. I feel like giving up on the life I’ve lived up till now…

I love him more than anything in the world but he’s gotten it into his head that I’m nothing but a selfish asshole….i know a lot of it is self projection i mean he’s not exactly partner of the year more of the time but this time of the year always seems to set him off…

He accused me of thinking he was cheating because im always asking when he’ll be home… maybe I’m just old fashioned in wanting to know when someone plans to be home in case something happens and I need to go looking for him….

I ended up crying myself to sleep around lunch time after he left for the day… I’m wondering if maybe I really am the asshole he thinks I am…I try so hard for him to be proud of me but I don’t think I’m worth much in his eyes anymore. I miss the man I fell in love with all those years ago…

Xoxo- newlife5155

Dear diary,

It’s been over a week since I deleted my original Reddit account. Truth be told I’m not sure why I did it.
Perhaps I felt ashamed. I haven’t don’t anything wrong but I feel like maybe the few posts I did make led to some people disliking me. I had that account for almost 6 years I think. I suppose sometimes humans just get in their head a little too much.
I’ve always been that way in a sense. Never felt like I fit in at school or with my own family. I’ve always tried to make myself smaller in the face of rejection. Threw away entire hobby’s and collections because someone said I was too old or that it was weird I enjoyed things.
Even in my now 20’s my own brother calls me just to let me know how bad our mother is talking about me when she refuses to even get to know me…. I saw some old fb posts the other day pop up… they were from before I had social media and the majority of them was my mother complaining about me being home anytime there was a snow day or if I had injured myself or gotten sick….
Thinking back on it I honestly thought our relationship during that time frame had been the best it had ever been….but I guess it was just another performance….
I was never a bad kid. I went out of my way most days to make myself own dinner, participate in friend groups, to take care of the younger ones… someone how tho I always ended up the bad guy of the stories. If my sister made a mess I was grounded. If my brother threw a tantrum or got to loud it was somehow my doing. In her eyes I suppose I’ll always be the child that got in their way of her life plans. My sister on the other hand is autistic and not the most functional within society and has a hard time understanding the world but in my mom’s eyes she saved her from having to stay married to my dad…. And my bro th er…. She basically begged for his existence and he came out exactly like she wanted him to look….
After I moved out in my own my mother started spinning stories that I was on drugs and who knows what else…. It’s taken several years just to get my brother to talk to me again and see I’m still the same big sister….my sister tho….i miss her sometimes…. But she won’t even read a text from me….my brother says she hates me now but won’t tell anyone why… she says I did something to her in highschool but I’m not sure what. Maybe it’s because of who I started dating back then… I found some drawing she made of his sister once… maybe she thinks I got in their way way of her having a relationship. Or maybe it’s cause I told her when her ex lied about a church event saying she wouldn’t be there.
I wish I could have a happy family dynamic…

—xoxo newlife5155