r/AvoidantRelationships

I’m dating someone ( I’m F21 and they’re M20) and they’re mad at me so they’re barely replying and giving me the silent treatment. What caused them to be mad is because I assumed they’re using me cause they say that I’m moving too fast, and that they feel like there’s no connection and that I barely talk and just likes to bond with them, hold their hand, cuddles, and show affection. They planned most of the dates to meet up twice a week too for awhile. How should I solve this issue? It makes me really sad and drained and my brain just goes to that they don’t want me anymore. How should I approach this type of behavior? If they reply it’s very dry texts.

confused and hurt after letting him back

I’ve noticed a lot of mixed opinions on their behavior and actions. So here’s everything you need to know about them:

Avoidants aren’t bad, cruel, mean or nasty people. This is not an avoidant trait because this is not an attachment style trait. Secure or anxious people could be mean or cruel too.

Their longing for intimacy, romance and building a loving relationship fires up simultaneously with their fear of being engulfed and losing independence resulting in the deactivation behavior. This is why a lot of you experience the push-pull dynamic loop. One follows the other.

It’s like how your nervous system learned to stay away from a hot vessel and only attend it when it is at a safe temperature. Their nervous system learned this exact thing just in terms of intimacy and attachment.

So they pull away when the fear of attending a hot vessel rises and come back when it’s safe for them. Of course, this is not a healthy thing to do and not justified for their partners but they don’t know how to deal with it.

Not all of them come back though. The ones with a high degree of avoidance and least self-awareness don’t always come back. But when the avoidants come back, it means they think they can fix it this time until they repeat their deactivation cycle.

It’s not that they don’t love you. They’ve got hearts too. So when they try to stick with you even after all your venting or mean comments or remarks, they did love you as it takes a gulp of self-esteem to return to you even after all that.

Chasing, calling them out on how they treated you, everything wrong they did to you or texting them multiple times won’t make them come to you. But giving them ample space, being highly patient and being okay with them working on their own terms won’t fix your relationship either.

It’s not about your space, your patience, or your boundaries. When they’re faced with a situation to show up, be accountable and be responsible adults, your relationship will suffer.

So don’t listen to avoidants who say that a secure partner heals them or claiming that they heal within the relationship itself. That’s not true rather that’s a way to avoid working on themselves and putting in the effort and accountability stuff. They’re unhealed avoidants because guess who is to be blamed if even that relationship doesn’t work out?

Rare relationships where people have claimed to have a loving and lasting relationship with avoidants… well, their avoidants were deeply self-aware and it took a lot of mental strength and work to make the relationship successful. Not everyone will be doing it.

Not all the avoidants cheat and not all avoidants need new partners or have backups every now and then. Again, this is not a trait of attachment style. You surely must have come across people who cheat on their partners just because they can. It tells about their mindset and the environment they grew up in.

Avoidants could be deeply loyal too and I think most of them out there are.

Bottomline line is, none of what I said above excuses their behavior but it doesn’t label them as unlovable, undeserving of love too. They’re humans with a mostly disturbed and difficult childhood where they learned to handle their emotions and needs themselves when it wasn’t supposed to be so.

In most cases, you’ll find that they have at least one emotionally unavailable parent.

They’re more willing to spend time with friends and family because the bond with friends doesn’t need to make them accountable of anything. Mostly, it’s just surface level. Have them share an apartment with their friends and they’ll see a lot of stuff too.

With parents, a lot of them have had to parent their parents and of course they love their parents but they have deactivation phases with them too. And one of them is almost emotionally unavailable mostly, so not a lot of pressure.

Dynamics are mostly mechanical in friendships and with parents. That’s why you’ll see most of the avoidants won’t have photos with their friends and family. And most of their photos are resting bitch face lol though they do share some laughs with them.

And yeah, most of them will also have a resting bitch face with you. Though they could be smiling among your friends and family members with you.

Avoidants do know exactly what they’re doing. They know every bit of it but they can’t help it. And in the process, they fail to be accountable, responsible and repair the wounds of the relationship.

.
.
.
Understand that if your relationship doesn’t give you mental peace, happiness and the willingness to choose the same person every day, it’s not the relationship that’ll last long or be a happy one for the longest time.

Next Time you find yourself with any partner be it avoidant, anxious, secure or anyone… evaluate your relationship based on these factors below, and you’ll know if it’s worth it in the long run. This works even when any person returns after a break, breakup or any of that shit:

1. Emotional Safety: Feeling secure enough to be vulnerable, honest, and yourself without fear of rejection or abandonment.

2. Reliability & Consistency: Knowing you can count on each other and that words are generally followed by actions.

3. Repair After Conflict: Returning to difficult conversations, taking responsibility, and making meaningful behavioral changes.

4. Reciprocity: Both partners consistently contribute love, effort, attention, and initiative.

5. Shared Reality & Integration: Gradually building a life together that includes friends, family, routines, experiences, and future plans.

6. Emotional Responsiveness: Being genuinely present and supportive when your partner is struggling, celebrating, or needing connection.

7. Respect: Honoring each other’s boundaries, dignity, autonomy, values, and legitimate needs even during disagreements.

8. Growth Mindset: Being willing to reflect, learn, adapt, and work on yourself and the relationship over time.

In most cases, the score would be low, lesser than four, and that’s your sign to leave because if you don’t, you’ll be sabotaging yourself and change into a person who you weren’t when you met your avoidant.

Don’t lose yourself for a person. Know when to leave, easier said than done, but the long term rewards are multifold.

If your avoidant doesn’t put in the work and keeps you hanging for long because of the push-pull cycle, ask yourself if you’d want to have kids and build a family with them. Ask what will the bond look like between you and your parents, her parents, her etc. include all the combinations and you’ll have your answer.

The purpose of this post was to understand a bit about them at once and not demonize them based on behaviors you assume are avoindant-traits.

Knew this girl 4 years in a situationship (she called "just friends" later...) Incredibly close and saw each other nearly every day. She started dating some other guy but wanted to keep her "best friend". Literally we hooked up nightly and she slept over. She would say she "loved me" even while she was seeing this guy she dated until it became official with him. I stepped out then to honor their relationship. She wanted to date but I said she need to be consistently honest first. Nope.

So I didn't want to be friends. I explained why. she just would reverse everything and pull at my politeness. It was maddening. Then not give me space despite me saying I didn't want to be platonic friends and she's committed to this new guy. I dread her bothering me again pretending to be oblivious to the actual issues I tried to resolve with her. It's been months of this. I'm positive she can't show her friends our conversations because she basically tried to lead me on and manipulate everything. That's the level of this. The way she did it also seems like he's a monkey branched relationship.

Is blocking even useful or the only option

I recently broke up with my scared dismissive avoidant partner since her stonewalling, shutting down, and pulling away drives me crazy.

However, we both know that we love each other and that our feelings are genuine.

However, I want her to meet me halfway, in a way that I could respect her boundaries when she needs space or take some time alone, but she doesn't want to communicate with me like a proper and normal adult.

I don't know, I guess I am still attached and clinging on to the potential or hope that she will change for the better and regret that I left her.

I just want to go back to the way it was when things were so good.

I really miss her.

Been dating a genuinely nice guy. However, in LDR. Poor conflict management, however, generally very good natured. Dont know what to do. Feeling helpless. Becomes a wall and vanishes mid conflict. Doesnt repair. But generally a gem. At a loss....

I'm male in my 50's, she is also in her 50's.
We had a long distance relationship, almost 2 years. Talked a little about plans to relocate, though only very little talking about the plans.
We had a great beginning, easy, slow, building and had contact every day, on average about every 1 hour or so , either calls continuously or messages in the entirety of almost 2 years.
I visited her on average about every 3rd week for about 5 days or so and more on holiday times, she also came here but not as frequently, because it was easier for me to travel to her.
We had great times together, close, intimate, never did she push me away from affections.
However, "odd" things happened from time to time, something I'd say, would trigger her, she'd completely stonewall me for hours, other times violent outbursts in anger. She has a stressful job, almost no free time on a daily basis - so I presumed all her nervous energy and nervous system was from her surroundings. This made me uneasy during these "odd" moments that I didnt comprehend. She had some family issues growing up, thats where her FA comes from.
Time to time, during her outbursts and other things, I would sometimes think "Shes not the one for you! Your feelings have no safe harbour in her" and other thoughts. It was very disruptive. When I first arrived, the first few days were bit turbulent, but the last days before I left again were very rich, intimate and personal bonding and connection.
Then near the last month or so, I met another woman (purely platonic) and had a meeting with her, but my FA got very jealous and exploded - even though we reconciled about this aspect and she seemed "ok" with it, but another 2-3 weeks passed and I could feel the irritations on the phone until finally, at one of my jokes, seemed to "crack" her and she had violent outburst then hanged up. She would sometimes hang up, or close telephone call prematurely - I always took consideration to her feelings, her stress and busy schedules - but I never felt she took my emotions into consideration - though many times she would call back and apologize and ask if I was ok. So to me it seemed like a normal relationship with its sometimes discussions and whatnot, nothing unusual, I felt she was very warm and loving and considerate despite the sometimes outbursts or "odd" behaviors. All my friends, without exception said that she is not for me, being disrespectful, talking badly to me on the phone e.t.c.
We never said "I love you" to each other in all this time, but used other words, as if we're both holding back - and I also really wanted to bond deeper, but my intuition or "something" was holding me back from getting closer to her.
Long story short - she broke up over text message 2 days after shouting at me on the phone. I texted back "good" and whole lot of other things - then after that - total radio silence.
I was shocked at the breakup, felt relief for a day maybe, maximum, tried to call her next week and sent a few messages asking if we could talk. No response whatsoever, then sent her a very long email, apologizing for my bad behaviour, pouring out all feelings, wishing for us to reconcile and to work it out. I was met 2 days later with a "cold" email, taking no accountability, but presented with a 2 paged list of things I did wrong, that I was the cause of her stress, made her feel unworthy and she just wants peace in her life and ended with "dont want to talk more of this anymore". And that was that. This was 3 weeks ago. I tried calling in moment of weakness, not a lot, just 2 times in the last weeks.
This is the first time this happened to me, so had to Google, what the hell does "no contact" mean, never tried this, always had easier breakups where you spoke a bit back and forth with your ex's, trying to be gentler, more humane.
Then I understood and read and saw YouTube videos and finally understood this attachment theory, that I was basically discarded seemingly without emotion or remorse.

The pain is excruciating! Here I am , a grown man in my 50's crying at intervals throughout day. Body is going through detox, from dead silence from my phone and from her. I work from home, I live in the countryside, I only get to meet the postman. I tried taking a distraction journey twice to different countries, but it made it much worse, being in foreign place, was even more out of it.
I miss her so incredibly , its a shock to my system, I feel out of place. I never cried in front of my parents for example, not since being a child and was on the phone and couldn't hold a conversation because of sobbing.
I am not angry at her, I understand why and what her mechanisms are - so its hard to be angry at someone that "cant help it" but still not an excuse for being discard and thrown onto the sidewalk like a piece of trash and last years seems to mean absolutely nothing!
I am hoping it will not last, that I will recover, never went to therapy, but I have started therapy lessons for the first time in my life. It is SO incredibly bewildering and painful - I had painful breakup experiences before, in my 20's that was msot certainly more painful, but not in this type of context.
I love her and I want to reconcile, I want to sacrifice parts of me for this, I know its wrong, but I am too weak to refuse. The detox from dead silence whole day and night alone in the house is unbearable.

Now to my question:
I want to write an email that I have changed my outlook, am seeking therapy to help change and gain understanding, quit smoking and also in her email, she accused me of various things, that are true for her perception, but not in my intention - she is writing to make me the villain of the story so its easier for her to get over me.
Its just so painful that someone that you cared for so long, just threw you away, without any consideration for the other - at least help each other get through it in a more humane way.
No contact is an evil and a blessing - I understand its to get perspective and to use it to grow - I am just not there yet and holding onto hope she will come back.
Its her birthday soon and want to send her flowers as a grand gesture and send the email the day before.
What is your experience with this, is it the abandonment or the discard that makes this so unnecessary painful and should I send email and flowers?
Need your guys help, please!

I made a post similar to this one about a month ago and people seemed to enjoy it. So here’s some more help and advice as well as some humor for this mostly depressing thread.
EDIT: linking original post. https://www.reddit.com/r/AvoidantBreakUps/s/DosiYCHa4I

Congratulations.
You’ve survived a relationship with someone who wanted intimacy until intimacy actually arrived.
Please remain calm.
Recovery begins now.

RULE #1: Accept that you may never get a satisfying explanation.
You will spend approximately 6–14 business months trying to understand how someone went from:
“I’ve never felt this way about anyone.”
to:
“I just don’t think we’re compatible.”
Because apparently your relationship was destroyed by that one time you said “okay” instead of “okayyy.”
There is no explanation.
You are looking for a missing puzzle piece that was never manufactured.
Move on.

RULE #2: Stop believing the breakup was a referendum on your personality.
You will eventually think:
“Maybe I was too affectionate.”
“Maybe I texted too much.”
“Maybe I asked for too much communication.”
“Maybe I should’ve been more mysterious.”
No.
You did not fail the emotional escape room.
They simply encountered a person who expected them to participate in their own relationship.
Tragic.

RULE #3: Do not attempt to make yourself less lovable.
You may think:
“Maybe next time I’ll be more chill.”
“I won’t ask for reassurance.”
“I’ll give them more space.”
“I’ll pretend I don’t care.”
Congratulations.
You have invented Avoidant Dating Simulator 2026.
Objective:
Become emotionally unavailable enough to keep an emotionally unavailable person interested.
Reward:
Absolutely nothing.

RULE #4: Remember that “I need to work on myself” is not automatically a spiritual awakening.
Sometimes it means:
“I don’t want to deal with this.”
Sometimes it means:
“I don’t know how to communicate what I’m feeling.”
Sometimes it means:
“I would like to leave this relationship while sounding like a very evolved person.”
And sometimes they actually do need to work on themselves.
Great.
Please let them.
You are not their unpaid rehabilitation center.

RULE #5: DO NOT WAIT FOR THE REGRET ARC.
This is critical.
You may become obsessed with the possibility that one day they’ll wake up and think:
“Oh my God.
They were amazing.
I completely fucked this up.
I should’ve appreciated them.”
Maybe.
Maybe they’ll also discover the cure for cancer while they’re at it.
You cannot build your recovery around a hypothetical Tuesday afternoon realization.

RULE #6: If they come back, DO NOT IMMEDIATELY THROW THE RULEBOOK INTO THE FIRE.
They text:
“Hey stranger.”
Your brain:
THE PROPHECY HAS BEEN FULFILLED.
No.
They are not returning from war.
They sent “hey.”
Remain seated.

RULE #7: “I miss you” is not the same thing as “I am capable of having a healthy relationship with you.”
This is where people get cooked.
Because yes, they might miss you.
They might genuinely love you.
They might think about you constantly.
They might regret leaving.
They might even realize they made a mistake.
And still be completely incapable of giving you what you need.
You know what else can miss you?
A cat.
That doesn’t mean you should build a marriage around it.

RULE #8: Stop studying their attachment style like you’re preparing for the MCAT.
You do not need to know:
their childhood trauma
their exact attachment subtype
their mother’s relationship history
what their ex did in 2018
whether their dad hugged them enough
whether they listened to Phoebe Bridgers during the breakup
what the moon was doing when they said “I need space”
At some point you need to say:
“Interesting psychological explanation. Still hurt me.”
Case closed.

RULE #9: Do not confuse their wounds with your assignment.
You can understand why they behave the way they do.
You can have empathy for them.
You can recognize that they’re scared of intimacy.
You can understand that they learned to protect themselves by becoming independent.
And you can still say:
“That’s unfortunate. I’m not dating it.”
You are allowed to have compassion without volunteering as tribute.

RULE #10: Stop romanticizing the beginning.
“Yes, but they were SO affectionate at first.”
Correct.
The Avoidant DLC had not yet been unlocked.
Everything was exciting.
No vulnerability required.
No difficult conversations.
No expectations.
No emotional accountability.
Just dopamine and good morning texts.
Then you caught feelings.
And suddenly your perfectly normal desire for emotional consistency became proof that the relationship was moving too fast.
Interesting.

RULE #11: Do not take the deactivation personally.
They suddenly found 47 things wrong with the relationship.
The way you text.
Your laugh.
Your breathing.
The fact that you once took 12 minutes to respond.
Your political opinions.
The fact that you chew slightly louder on Tuesdays.
Do not panic.
You have not suddenly become objectively unbearable.
Their brain may simply be conducting a national security investigation into why it feels emotionally safe.

RULE #12: Remember: YOU DID NOT CAUSE THE AVOIDANCE.
You could have been:
beautiful.
patient.
kind.
understanding.
communicative.
consistent.
emotionally available.
You could have personally descended from heaven carrying a handwritten instruction manual titled HOW TO LOVE ME
And eventually they still would’ve had to confront their own shit.
You cannot out-love someone’s defense mechanisms.
Believe me.
People have tried.
They have perished.

RULE #13: If they immediately get on dating apps, do not take it as proof they never cared.
They may be:
healing.
processing.
finding themselves.
reclaiming their independence.
exploring.
doing some personal growth.
And by “healing,” we mean downloading Tinder approximately 11 minutes after the breakup.
Look.
Everyone heals differently.
Some people journal.
Some people meditate.
Some people process their emotions.
Some people upload six new pictures and set their distance to 5 miles.
Respect the journey.

RULE #14: Stop trying to win the breakup.
You don’t need them to:
regret it.
miss you.
stalk your profile.
ask about you.
realize you’re hotter now.
hear your favorite song and cry in the Walmart parking lot.
You win by eventually becoming completely uninterested in whether they won.
That’s the plot twist.

RULE #15: When you start romanticizing them, remember the full relationship.
Not the 2-hour phone calls.
Not the cuddling.
Not the first date.
Not the “I’ve never connected with anyone like this.”
Remember the part where you were sitting there wondering what the hell was happening because the person who supposedly loved you suddenly needed 400 miles of emotional airspace.
The highlight reel is not the whole movie.

FINAL RULE:
One day you will realize:
“Wait. I don’t actually want them back.”
And your brain will immediately respond:
“Okay but what if THEY want YOU back?”
Ignore that too.
You are not trying to become the person an avoidant finally chooses.
You are trying to become the person who looks at emotional unavailability and says:
“Damn. That’s crazy.”
And keeps walking.
Congratulations.
You have officially graduated from:
THE UNIVERSITY OF WHY TF DID YOU DO THAT.
Your degree is useless.
But at least you don’t have to date your professor anymore.

We were friends in uni, we followed each other on ig. years after uni, we suddenly got closed. and somehow it got complicated as it involved feelings. he confessed to me, i liked him too however he took a step back when he knew i just got out from a relationship, he hated the idea of being a rebound. so since that we being distant. he kept avoiding me, while me on the other hand trying to understand the situation and wanted to be friends again. i tried to talk to him regarding this. he clearly said he wanted to move on, i respected that and expected him to be normal like previously. like im okay with him not having any feelings towards me as i treated it as just a fling.

but after the talk, he suddenly block unblock me on ig, then requested to follow again lol hahahah i asked him casually just like i would ask my other friends, but he chose to ignore. then he hid his stories from me and also muted my story which i tbfh dont understand, i thought we were okay??? ive benn trying to act normal, text him like a normal friend would do, share songs, but most of them he would ignore. fast forward its been months he didnt watch any of my stories. after almost 5 months, i decided to block him and guess what 2 days after that he suddenly deactivate his instagram. idk if anyone would be confused too or it just me?

i just wanted to be friends again with him. any advice on this?

I’m 21F and my boyfriend is 24M. We’ve been together for over a year. He is an intern doctor and I’m a medical student.

I’ve realized that I have an anxious attachment pattern. I get anxious and angry very easily, seek reassurance, and struggle with periods of little communication. Even 7–8 hours without contact can make me extremely low. When I get triggered, I feel like I lose control—I keep calling/texting, try to force conversations, fight to talk, or cry.

I know this is something I need to work on, and I genuinely want to become more secure. But I’m struggling to understand where my anxiety ends and where my relationship needs begin.

My boyfriend is genuinely very busy. He works around 12–14 hours a day in medicine and sometimes has 24–48-hour duties. I understand that he needs time to rest, be alone, meet friends, watch movies, etc. I don’t expect constant attention from him.

At the same time, I need some consistency and reassurance. We talk every day, but usually very little, and I feel like I initiate most of it. We meet around 3–4 times a week, and he does initiate sometimes, but I still often feel like I’m the one asking to meet or talk.

If I don’t initiate, he eventually does, but his frequency is much lower than mine. For him, going 12–24 hours with very little communication seems normal. For me, it feels extremely difficult. I become anxious, feel disconnected, and struggle to focus on anything else.

I have communicated my needs many times. He agrees to try, but I don’t see consistent change. He says he forgets to text me. Sometimes I see him active on Instagram or doing other things without replying, which triggers me.

He also tells me that when he replies, I immediately call or text again, so he feels like I expect him to spend all his free time with me. He says our conversations have become stressful because they often turn into emotional discussions or fights.

I understand his side. My anxiety creates pressure, and I know some of my reactions are unhealthy. The cycle usually looks like:

I feel disconnected → become anxious → pursue him harder → he feels pressured/withdraws → I become more anxious → we fight.

Recently I managed to have a calm conversation with him instead of fighting. He agreed to make more effort and asked me to stop fighting over small things. I want to work on my side too, rather than expecting him to regulate my emotions for me.

But I’m struggling with one question: if I become more secure, will I actually be okay with this level of communication, or will I still have a legitimate need for more emotional connection?

For people who have worked through anxious attachment and become more secure: how did you learn to distinguish between an anxiety-driven need for reassurance and a genuine relationship need? And how did you stop pursuing your partner without simply suppressing your own needs?

I’d really appreciate practical advice on becoming more secure while staying in the relationship.

we have been tgt for like 2 months , i used to try to communicate , fix my bad habits , fill my schedule to limit my overthinking (im anxious) , but she always refused to communicate , confessed she is "indirect" , always ignored me / ghosted me for days , later in the last 2 weeks in the relationship i began doing the same , ignoring her , not communicating , having a "i dont care" attitude , but that also did work , later she said "hey , we need to talk.." i was so tired that i straight up told her im leaving , i blocked her but i didnt move on at all. (also forgot to mention its a LDR) so whenever she was active somewhere (like a discord server on insta group) she would say stuff like "nvm guys ill go now" or instantly talk to someone , later i got jealous and straight up told one of my friends infront of her that i got a new gf (i didnt) , she got jealous i think and went to date this guy , i stalk them on social media and i was kinda done with life at this point , i asked their bsf about them and they sent me a screenshot of her saying "i just wish he let me respond to the break up text before blocking me- i just think he hates me now" , so i felt bad and put in my bio in a small sub text "no i dont hate you"' a day after i checked her profile and i saw "i dont hate u too" , i was kinda happy? , i changed mine to "sorry if i was too harsh" etc etc , i dont know what to do , at first i thought the guy was fake and shes js making things up but after some digging i found he was real , everyone says to get over it but i cant.

I realized after the second discard that my ex of a year and a half is avoidant. She ask many odd questions that I think were getting at deep psychological fears or gauging my boundaries and if she would let me down. I also think she hinted at things going on in her life that were red flags. What are your examples and why do you think they ask the questions or made the statements?

I’m looking for honest advice from people who have been through difficult periods in marriage, especially people who have successfully rebuilt their relationship after serious communication problems.

My wife and I have been struggling for a while, and I’m starting to genuinely question whether we are incompatible or whether we are stuck in a cycle that can actually be changed. I’ll try to be as fair as possible because I know I have contributed to the problems. Also this is off my chest as well!!

The biggest issue: communication
We have a very difficult time simply talking to each other. A lot of our conversations turn into discussions about what one of us did wrong. We struggle to sit down and just talk about random things, laugh, or enjoy each other’s company without eventually getting into an issue.
My wife feels like she isn’t heard by me. She has told me that when she brings up something that hurt her, instead of listening and addressing what she is saying, I often bring up something she did wrong.
I can see how that makes her feel dismissed. I think my tendency is to defend myself or explain my side rather than just listen first.
She also says I’m avoidant and manipulative. I don’t necessarily agree with the word “manipulative,” but I do recognize the avoidance. When conflict becomes overwhelming, my instinct is sometimes to withdraw, avoid the conversation, or come back later rather than dealing with it immediately. We have been trying to understand that pattern instead of just fighting about it. We have been to counseling and found out that I am the avoidant type and she’s the anxious type.

There are also a lot of smaller issues that build up
Some examples:
Selecting an apartment became a difficult process.
Choosing a daycare became a source of conflict.
We had a period of about 5 months without sex, and still counting!

During a period when I got laid off and was looking for a job, she felt that we weren’t going anywhere or doing anything and that I had wasted that time. At the same time, we weren’t really talking or connecting, so I felt confused about being blamed for the lack of activity.

She has explained that sometimes sex is physically painful for her because she is stressed.
I sometimes feel rejected and disconnected when she doesn’t want sex, while she experiences stress and emotional disconnection that makes sex difficult.
So sex has become less of an isolated issue and more of a symptom of everything else happening between us.

Transparency and small things
Another major issue is transparency. For example, I told her I was going to soccer. On the way, I stopped at the mall to buy cleats. I later told her I bought cleats and showed her a picture.
She was upset that I hadn’t told her I went to the mall.
From my perspective, going to the mall on the way to soccer wasn’t significant enough that I thought I needed to report it. From her perspective, it was another example of me leaving out information and making her feel like she doesn’t know what’s going on in my life.

I also struggle with validating her feelings
This is something I’ve started to recognize about myself. Sometimes she gets upset about something that I personally don’t consider important. My instinct is to say something like, “Why are you reacting so strongly to this?”
If I genuinely did something wrong, I will apologize. But if I don’t think the thing was important, I sometimes don’t understand why I should apologize.
She’s explained that she doesn’t necessarily need me to agree that something was objectively a huge deal. She wants me to acknowledge that it hurt her.
I think this is something I need to work on.
For example, the mall situation wasn’t objectively important to me. But I can understand that, given our history, she interpreted it differently.

I also forget things
She has complained that I forget plans, conversations, ideas, and things we’ve discussed.
That is frustrating for her because she feels like she has to repeat herself and that what she says doesn’t stick with me. I understand why that makes her feel unheard. I forget what we talked about and why we fought and what was said during a fight.. it’s exhausting for the both of us.

She feels like I’m treating her more like a parent than a wife
One conversation really stuck with me.
She said she feels like I’ve put her into a different “box” — more like a father/parent role than a wife.
She said that I want things like appreciation for what I do, including her in things that happen in my life, and me asking for compliments is like I need to be validated by my dad (source of my avoidant attachment i guess)

There have also been some very unhealthy fights
We’ve had fights that crossed lines. During one fight, there was pushing. She ripped my shirt and told me to leave the apartment because I couldn’t stay in the second room. Later, around 3 AM, she left and went to her mother’s house. That incident scared me because it made me realize that our conflict isn’t just about communication styles anymore. We need to make sure disagreements don’t escalate physically or become destructive.

The Tinder issue
There has also been a Tinder issue in our marriage, which has contributed to the trust problems. I’m not going to pretend this is irrelevant or minimize it. It’s part of the larger question of whether we can actually rebuild trust and establish boundaries around things that could threaten the marriage. After the big fight with pushing and shoving, she stayed at her mom’s house for a week and I was by myself thinking about ending this marriage. I was stupid and downloaded Tinder to feel validated by outsiders and random people just so I can feel comfortable. I only had Tinder for 2 days and apparently she got a random text saying “your husband is on Tinder” and refused to show me the message. So I came clean and told her everything and why I did it. We are working through it with the therapist.

The pattern we’re stuck in
The pattern seems to be something like this:
She brings up something that hurt her → I feel criticized or misunderstood → I defend myself or bring up something she has done → she feels even more unheard → the argument escalates → I withdraw/avoid → she feels abandoned → eventually we come back and talk → things improve temporarily → another issue happens → the cycle starts again.

I’ve started learning about avoidant attachment, and a lot of this sounds familiar. I don’t want to use “I’m avoidant” as an excuse. I want to learn how to stop avoiding conflict, communicate directly, and come back to difficult conversations instead of shutting down. And that’s what I do, but she always holds a grudge. At the same time, I don’t want our marriage to become a relationship where every small mistake becomes a major discussion. It is very draining to talk for 3 hours or more.

What I’m struggling with internally is that sometimes I genuinely think “maybe we’re just not compatible no matter how much we try.” I don’t know if that’s a reasonable conclusion or if I’m saying that because I’m exhausted by the cycle. I also wonder whether I seek external validation too much. I want appreciation for what I do, and when I don’t receive it, I can become resentful. I don’t know how much of that is normal human need versus something unhealthy in me. At the same time, I don’t want to stay in a marriage simply because we’re afraid of divorce. We have a child, so that makes the decision much more serious. But maybe divorce is the answer, I don’t know.

I was holding off on writing on Reddit, but it’s gotten to a point where I can’t talk to anyone. And my wife and I just got into another fight this morning because I didn’t tell her that I got invited to my sister’s friend’s house who invited half of the family and her friend’s family. But I told her afterwards that I just came from there.

I’m not looking for people to tell me “divorce her” or “stay no matter what.” I’m looking for honest perspective. Are these problems typical problems that two people can realistically work through, or do they point toward fundamental incompatibility?

And for those who have dealt with an avoidant/anxious dynamic or a marriage where communication became this dysfunctional, what actually helped you break the cycle? What would you tell someone in my position to work on first?

Tl;dr. My wife and I have been struggling with communication and were told in counseling that we have an anxious/avoidant dynamic. She feels unheard, while I tend to get defensive, avoid conflict, forget conversations, and struggle to validate feelings I don’t fully understand. We’ve also had ongoing intimacy issues (5+ months without sex), serious fights that became physical, and a Tinder incident where I sought external validation during a separation. We’re working through these issues in therapy. I know I have things to work on, but our arguments can last hours and the same cycle keeps repeating: she raises an issue → I feel criticized → I defend/withdraw → she feels unheard/abandoned → we eventually reconcile → repeat. We have a child, and I genuinely don’t know whether we’re dealing with problems that can be fixed or whether we’re fundamentally incompatible.

Our whole marriage I kept wondering, why he was always nice to others but so cold and distant with me. He never wants to celebrate anniversaries, never wants to go out on dates, doesn't even do bare minimum, there's no intimacy, he never checks on me or even shows any interest on me or anything I do. Every time a friend or coworker needs something he is there for them, when it comes to his family, same thing. He could be sick and cancel plans with our kids and I but as soon as he gets a call from any of his buddies, suddenly he feels better and needs to go help them ASAP. I have tried talking to him about this but all I get is insults. No matter how much I try to tell him that he's neglecting his marriage, his wife and kids while prioritizing some random men he barely knows, he just doesn't care.

I am so lonely, I never in my life imagined to be this lonely in my marriage. I have nobody to talk to and the one person I'd love to connect with is busy trying to impress people he doesn't even know. I don't know what to do and I'm starting to give up on everything. The most painful part is that he only remembers me when he wants something from me... I end up feeling used and heartbroken. I wanted to save my marriage but I can no longer be the only one fighting for us, or trying to improve our relationship while all he cares about are his coworkers. I'm exhausted of constantly trying, without any improvement, and also tired of living in this loneliness.

Has anyone else experienced anything similar? How did you navigate through it or did you end up leaving?

I can feel myself becoming an avoidant due to many bad experiences. I notice when men try to get close emotionally, I keep my response very surface level with no emotion.

I don’t want to become avoidant but I don’t want to hurt even if i know it’s inevitable.

I posted a few days ago. My partner was going on a trip and I wasn't sure I would be able to handle the rejection feelings this has brought up for me in the past. No one responded, that's okay. I did my own research on soothing and how to sit with the discomfort and how to self-regulate in a healthy good way.

I know we're all shocked but, nothing worked. He is gone now. Hasn't texted in 24 hours. He is with friends in a remote location about to do a five day hike where he sleeps rough and no cell towers.

So I will ask all of you people, how would be the least hurtful way to end this relationship because I do not want to suffer like this for 3 weeks until he returns. I can see the patterns happening and I don't want to wait until I am having anxiety attacks at work scaring a bunch of suit wearing professionals and down 8 lbs so people are asking if I am sick just, no thanks. I won't last 3 weeks so pretending isn't even worth it.

Option 1: I can block him and just never deal with this again. This is what I did last time. I blocked him and unblocked when he got back in town and reached out and he replied but wasn't interested in meeting up. Smart man. Current man could have the same option.

PROS: You cannot beat the easiness of this. Also, he may suspect it is happening, but he cannot prove and therefore will be able to enjoy his vacation for the majority of his time.

CONS: ???? People think ghosting is mean ???? I guess??

Option 2: I could send him a very long text explaining my emotions. How insecure, and needy, and pathetic I am. How I believe he will cheat and leave me and even secretly think he SHOULD do those things because I'm unworthy.

PROS: He will now know THE TRUTH!!!

CONS: He will dump me once he knows the truth. He will also have to deal with the break up on his vacation with his buddies all around. I will feel like shit, this always feels like whipping myself to punish myself when I spill out all the ugly and the guy makes that "ugk" face and ends it.

Option 3: I could send him a vague break up. "Hey, You're on vacation, and I don't wanna sit here with any expectations, so I just need to end this here. No hard feelings. When you're back in town, we can talk and see if we even wanna reconnect then."

PROS: That's it right? That's the mature good thing to do? This will win me the prize?

CONS: This will absolutely fucking wreck his vacation. He will spiral and not understand what he did wrong and how did it go wrong. A vindictive part of me wants to choose this just to hurt him ya know. He hurt me by leaving, he deserves to have his vacation ruined. That's why I feel I really shouldn't do this.

Option 4: I could just let the detatchment happen naturally. He won't be texting much. So I will match the energy. No "I Miss you" or emotions. Just, cold, dead, how was your day, until he returns, when I do the "I'm glad you had a good trip, but I think we need to take a break."

PROS: This completely preserves his trip, and lets him have a wonderful time. It also is a mature good way to handle a break up, clear and direct. It gives everyone time - breaking up from someone you haven't seen in a month hits way easier.

CONS: When I have dumped someone in my brain, but not in person yet, I tend to be already moving on and I would wanna be going on dates this month not taking a whole month off just to give him the respectful breakup where I can say I didn't cheat. So it feels like cheating. And makes me feel bad. I'd rather be honest and end it earlier. But ruins his trip.

So what do you guys think. If you were being discarded, unexpectedly, while on a trip. How would you wanna know?

Hello there. I received your texts, and I wasn’t ignoring you. I was taking my time to respond because I didn’t want to be misunderstood. I’ve been thinking, and I’ve come to recognize that while there is care on both sides, our capacities and availability haven’t always been aligned.
I’m willing to move slowly, with no pressure or obligation on either of us, and I respect your need for space. At the same time, I can’t continue investing my time and energy in a connection where I feel there is inconsistency. I need reliability and follow-through. I don’t want to minimize my needs or accept uncertainty as a normal dynamic between us. I think that’s reasonable.
Let’s find what feels good and works for both of us.

I’m trying to understand a breakup with someone I believe has avoidant/fearful-avoidant tendencies.
We were together for a long time, and I became a huge part of her support system. I helped with her kids, car problems, rides, work stress, money occasionally, errands, and emotional support. She had even cried before and told me nobody had ever treated her as well as I did.
Then she asked for a break because she said she was overwhelmed, needed time for herself and her kids, wasn’t ready for something serious, and felt like everyone needed something from her when she couldn’t even fill her own cup.
The confusing part is that during the break, she told me her ex had been reaching out and trying to fix things with her. Eventually she admitted feelings for him had resurfaced.
Meanwhile, I was still helping her constantly, especially with her car, driving her around and basically still acting like her partner.
Then one day her ex showed up to visit her. She claims she didn’t know he was just going to stop by, but finding out about it was what made me snap. I felt like I was fixing her car and supporting her while she was entertaining another man.
I told her she could fix her own fucking car, flipped out, and told her we were fucking done.
Before that, she had said she still wanted us to be cool even if the relationship didn’t work out. So she ended the commitment, but I ultimately ended the connection and her access to me.
I know I was extremely angry and didn’t handle the ending perfectly, but I don’t regret stopping the boyfriend-level support.
My questions are:
Can an avoidant genuinely be overwhelmed and still start reconnecting with an ex, or was “I need space” probably just a softer breakup?
Can avoidants initially feel relief and then feel the loss later once the other person completely stops chasing/helping?
If she expected me to stay in her life, does me completely cutting off the connection make the breakup hit differently?
Do avoidants sometimes minimize everything their partner did for them and recognize it more later?
Why go back toward an ex who previously hurt you instead of the person who was consistently there?
Can she still miss/regret losing me even while reconnecting with him?
If she ever comes back, how do I tell whether she actually misses me versus just missing the support and comfort I provided?
And the hardest question: was I actually loved, or was I mainly useful and emotionally safe for her during a difficult time?