r/AvoidantRelationships

It's been 20 days of no contact and I'm missing him. Last messages after the break up were mine, he didn't answer. Then he put like to some of my stories... I want to talk with him, I want him back but I don't really know what to do. This is the first time that we go so long without messaging or seeing each other. Before, after other break ups, I reached out and we would reconcile. Last time he said it's over... What do you suggest? I hope you can understand me and not judge me

Today on the way home from work, I asked my husband if it was ok if I stopped at a store about a 20 minute drive out of the way before coming back. He responded “I have never told you you can’t spend money or go places, you’re acting like I’m horrible and controlling”

I was simply asking to see if he had plans for my usual return time, since he would never voluntarily tell me his plans. Just trying to be respectful and let him know my plans and make sure I wasn’t going to inconvenience him.

Do avoidants truly see letting someone know where you are/your plans as being controlled? Has anybody else experienced anything like this? Is me asking first instead of just doing what I want triggering somehow?

Last messages were mine, after the break up. I miss him a lot. Every day I write a message in his chat and then cancel it. I wish I could hear from him. I miss our chats, I miss his voice, I miss making love with him. I'm temped to break no contact

My ex was super avoidant. On our second date, he literally asked me to marry him, and then a few months later he randomly blocked me on everything.

I’m not saying I was perfect either. Back then I didn’t know anything about avoidant attachment, so whenever we had issues I’d send long emotional paragraphs and kinda corner him trying to talk things out. A few days after one of our arguments, he blocked me.

I tried breaking up with him like 3 times because I caught him texting other girls, but he kept saying it “wasn’t cheating” because he was “just texting.”

It’s been like 9 months now, and recently I figured out what I think is his burner account. My IG is private and I barely get follow requests, but this same account has tried following me 3 times this week already. I declined every time.

The thing is… now that so much time has passed, part of me kinda wants him back. But this time I want to approach things more strategically. Since learning more about avoidant attachment, I feel like I understand him way better now, and honestly I want to increase the chances of things going differently this time.

So what would you do?

Do I:
- accept the request?
- keep my boundaries and wait for him to actually reach out/unblock me?
- wait a few days then accept?
- or just leave this whole thing alone?

Hi, so I'm apparently one of many adults going NC with their families.. I blocked my emotionally unavailable mother and brother 5 weeks ago.

I read so much about what happens to the nervous system after going NC, and how the body crashes after being in a toxic environment for decades and so on.. but I'm still shocked at the extent of the exhaustion! I got sick with a really bad cold two weeks ago (no surprise there at all) and have been bedridden for most of the time since then. Now my cold is almost completely gone, I'm just coughing a little and I'm a bit hoarse, too. But my body.. I just want to stay in bed all the time, I don't feel like doing anything at the moment.. my appetite hasn't been affected, luckily, but I really wonder how much longer I'll be this drained. I just went for a 30 minute walk and just want to lie down on the floor and do nothing (but if I do that I get so bored because I have ADHD and my brain can't fully relax haha, so stupid).
I also have muscle pain, the kind you get when you get sick with the flu (which I don't have). There is no freaking way I can go back to exercising anytime soon, if even a 30 minute walk kills me, haha. I've had these pains since going NC five weeks ago, so I know it's definitely related to this.

Mentally I'm doing okay, I think I must have done a lot of the grieving in the years leading up to blocking my family, so I don't feel too emotional. No regrets, no guilt whatsoever.
I also have a lot of experience with mindfulness and self compassion, which helps a ton. I've been doing a lot of inner child work as well.

But physically, oh man! My poor body and nervous system being all tired and confused..

I guess what I'd like to know is how long it took other people to get to a level where they could function again, at least to a level where they don't need to ask other people for help. And where they felt strong enough to exercise regularly. I don't want to run a marathon lol but going swimming or doing some light jogging every now and then would be so nice.

Thanks in advance ❤️

So we are both 32. My guy started being distant since he started the new job, and I was like, dude you've been through hell. I understand. Take the time.

1 week of no talking (we are LDR), and I panic everyday. I'm like okay when does this wait end? Does this get any better? 😭😭😭

Hey, guys. I (28F) have been seeing a guy (34M) for about five months. He's autistic, avoidant, an immigrant from the UK who's lived in my country for over 10 years, and he's been dealing with heavy grief.. his father died by su1cide almost two years ago. We had this instant and amazing connection through music, life goals, sense of humor, love for animals, understanding the world..

Three weeks ago we agreed to meet and talk about us, after I'd noticed he'd gotten quieter following a difficult phone call from his family. The day we were supposed to meet, a day he suggested, he vanished. Stopped responding. Didn't pick up his phone. He'd never done anything like this before. I was genuinely worried something had happened to him and went to his house (we were supposed to meet there).

He was okay physically but clearly wasn't well mentally. He told me he had family problems and that when things get hard, he hides and needs to be alone. I asked what he needed and he said some time. I told him I missed him. He said he missed me too. He apologized for not picking up my calls and told me to stop apologizing for showing up at his house (I was ashamed about it). He was physically affectionate and very gentle with me. Holding me, kissing my forehead, pulling me close. He didn't avoid eye contact, but he didn't know what to say.

I asked him directly: "So, is this over?" He said no.

When I asked what we were, he said he couldn't answer at the moment.

I leaned to kiss him and he kissed me back intensely, pulling me close. Things got hot and we almost got intimate, but I stopped. I said, "I can't do this, I need to go home." I called an Uber. I told him I didn't want things to be like this and he said, "I know," with his arms still around me. I asked if he was being honest (he always said he was brutally honest) and he said yes. The last thing he said was "text me if you need anything." I think he meant about getting home safely late at night. I said, "you too, please."

I got home and texted to let him know I got home safe and said if he needed anything, I'm here. He didn't replied.

Five days later I sent a calm, no-pressure message. I said I was confused about what everything meant for us and asked when would be a good time to talk. I said no rush, no pressure, I know you said you needed time. No response. It's been almost three weeks of silence now.

He hasn't blocked me. He still follows me on everything. But zero words.

And yet, I've noticed things that don't add up. For the first two weeks, his Spotify activity was all depressive music (songs about broken men, grief, about failure, about being beyond repair.).Then about a week ago, it shifted. Suddenly it was indie rock, songs about missing someone. Bands we share. Songs he knows I love. He's played them on repeat for days.

He also hides and unhides his Instagram stories from me. He doesn't know I can tell when he does it. Right now they're unhidden since friday (today is sunday). But he hasn't looked at a single thing I've posted (at least not with his account).

Here's what I can't understand: I gave him an easy out. I literally asked if it was over. He said no to my face. I sent a thoughtful, pressure-free message and still nothing. Is this something avoidants do? Not break up but disappear anyway? Is he genuinely taking space and planning to come back, or is this a slow-motion discard?

I know people will say "silence is an answer." But he explicitly said it wasn't over. That's what I can't reconcile.

My therapist thinks he has no idea how much his silence is hurting me. He's a very black-and-white, practical thinker, and my message didn't mention the pain at all. She said I should send another one when I'm ready, saying clearly that the silence isn't okay with me. I extended my hand, but I didn't say I can't work with silence.

So basically my ex reached out to me yesterday 3 days after the breakup and apologised for hurting me and we talked for a bit. He was joking around like we usually did in the relationship and it seemed like he was even flirting a bit. Today he asked if we could do something together and i responded with 'maybe' and he seemed to get upset by that and said 'nvm' and when i asked why he said because i said maybe so i told him thats because i dont know what i'm doing later and he said 'do what you want idc' and blocked me. I don't know what to do, i know he probably did that because he felt rejected, but i don't know if he's going to unblock me. He blocked me on discord which is where we were talking and i sent a message to him in his server that's just the two of us and i think he probably saw it but he hasn't responded or removed me from/deleted that server. i'm honestly lost right now. Sorry for the rant, if anyone has any idea on what this means i would really appreciate it.

i (27f) have known mine (29m) for about 9 months. we recently reconnected after a pretty big blowup/break period. we spent an amazing weekend together and honestly he was more affectionate/vulnerable than ever this time around. lots of reminiscing, emotional conversations, physical affection, talking about our history, etc. it genuinely felt very real and intimate but now he’s gone quiet again for a few days after the reconnect which seems to be his pattern after intense closeness.

for people who ended up in actual relationships with avoidants.. how long did it take? did they eventually become more consistent/open once they felt safe or was it always push pull?

It's like for them the grass is greener. Or it's just my impression? They know you love them, you are comprehensive with them like nobody else can, but somehow it's like they are always there thinking about the fact that they can find someone more beautiful, more *other things*. LOL don't know if I want to laugh or want to cry.

I’m f20 who lives in the uk. Growing up I was very shy, I was also raised in an extremely religious household. I was raised by my father to believe that relationships were a sin, that kissing on the lips was a sin, hell that even having boys as friends was a sin. On the contrary my mother raised me to believe that men are pigs, that they only want one thing, and if you give it to them then you’re an idiot. She hates men, she doesn’t believe in love and shames me for wanting to fall in love in the future. She’s on husband number 4 and she just doesn’t care much for them. They’re disposable to her. In secondary school all my girl friends loved following their crushes around school, or sitting close to them to stare at them. And I remember thinking it was pathetic, I liked to put myself on a pedestal, I liked thinking I was “better” than most girls because I refused to chase a man. Obviously I had crushes growing up but that’s all it was, a crush. I never even gave myself the option to confess because I preferred watching them from a distance, it felt safe, I couldn’t get hurt. Now at 20 I understand that I have severe avoidant tendencies and I even know where it specifically came from. But these tendencies are stripping everything away from me. A lot has happened to me in the past two years, I started uni but refused to accommodate, which I think made it harder to make friends or even a social life. And after a year into it I had a massive decline in my mental health. Long story short, I began antidepressants, abandoned uni (haven’t went since December), got sober from a three year alcohol addiction which is pretty good, but now I’m alone. I spend everyday in bed, I have no friends, and lack romance, social interactions, pretty much a regular life. I know I need to begin stepping out of my comfort zone, putting myself out there. But I don’t know how, and most importantly I don’t want to put the effort in, it seems too hard. So really I’m just a loser chud and I might aswell put myself in my grave now because after reading this Im realising there’s no hope lol, and also this is so poorly written wtf. Anyways yeah. I want to live but I don’t want to put in the effort so might aswell drop me in the middle of the ocean or sum.

Thanks for reading if anyone did.

I miss him. I miss his voice, his laugh, his arms, I miss him

I don't know what to do and what to think. Everyday (when it's possibile), I try to distract myself to not think about him (avoidant) since when he decided to broke up again. But there are days like this where I really struggle. And I wanna know: does he miss me, too? Does he even think about me? How can someone go to say that my presence "turn off his brain" (in a positive way, said when he already told me that wanted to break up, but we were hugging each other and he told me that as to say that my presence could have make him change idea, but he didn't) because he knows he feels good when he's with me, and still decide to break up and tell that it's over? 😞 I miss him, I think we are really good together. We laughed, we talked, we had really good and intense sex. I don't know what to do. I don't wanna our memories to fade away, I want to be with him. Now it's been 10 days since the last time we texted and he was cold...

Hii! Im 19F and my bf 20M has adhd (might be relevant idk!). We're LDR and he first pulled away out of nowhere a few months ago for abt a week. He talks to me very sweetly and was super warm. We ended up having a bit of future talk and idk if that scared him off lol. It wasnt completely ghosting but more like 5% of what it used to be (constant calls and texting. codependency ik 🫩). This dug up abandonment trauma from my past relationship and I went absolute panic mode to where I was met with defensiveness (him saying that hes not even disappearing), but we agreed to call fewer times a week so that we both have time for ourselves and for each other.

It went alright until he quit his job to trade and he started texting me less and less. He mentioned he needed time to get a schedule together so ofc i gave space. It had been some time and we barely texted and hadn't called in months and i ended up expressing that all I want is to feel chosen and like I matter to him. He ended up going silent for 5 days and came back saying "I did what I said I wouldn’t do again. idk why I’m being so inconsistent and inconsiderate of your feelings and would understand if you want nothing to do with me at this point but I miss laughing with you and seeing your beautiful face and just being in your presence. ik what you said about not tolerating what I continued to do but I wanted to just see how you’ve been." I told him that what I value more is how we handle things moving forward and that I'd love for us to be more open with each other to which he said he understands and will try. I told him that I never want to trample over him, but I don't know what lines im crossing if they aren't delineated.

Throughout these past few months I realized I lean heavily anxious in relationships bc of my past and that I was quite smothering, critical, and made him the basis for my mood. I acknowledged and apologized for that when we had conversations like this. Im not in therapy or anything, but I have been reflecting tons and am able to mostly control myself now.

I understand a relationship isnt always going to be exciting, but how you show up for yourself and your partner is what makes it healthy long term. Im not downplaying my hurt either. It exists, but I also feel for him bc he grew up with his mom and her bf constantly yelling at each other that he had to live w his grandparents to get away. He told me that he feels safer with his emotions bottled up. All I want is for him to feel safe with me, but ik only he can fix that by facing himself. Ive expressed how I never want to be against him, but instead face things together with him. I know it's hard bc I also used to be the person who shuts down when it comes to confrontation until I was forced to for a situation too long to address here heh. But yeah I love him dearly and just wanted to see if im handling this the right way and what ur guys' thoughts are :3

Hello, everyone. My girlfriend broke up with me very suddenly, saying she’d never felt so loved before, but that the relationship was making her feel bad. Everything was going great—it was getting better and better. Her reasoning was that she’d been the one to initiate all contact and arrange all our dates throughout the entire relationship. She put in all the effort. She has a point there, but she didn’t do all the work—maybe a little more than half. I’m a bit shy, while she’s more outgoing; that’s true. She also has childhood traumas. I’m not a psychologist, but after doing some research, I realized there’s a possibility she might be anxious or avoidant. Since psychologists prefer not to discuss matters involving third persons, I can’t get help from them. Is there anyone with experience in this area who could help me via DM? If I briefly summarize the whole process, is there anyone who could give me an idea about whether this girl is fearful-avoidant and what I should do? I really loved her and treated her very well. I was very romantic. We parted ways respectfully. I’d like to try my luck one last time, again in a respectful way. I’d be grateful to anyone who can help. Thanks in advance.

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Okay, feeling hopeful & emboldened I am seeking the collective wisdom of the hive mind.

(I know I will - if anything - get "don't bother", 'run while you can - generic avoidant hating comments... But hopefully there might be a useful comment somewhere. For info I am well aware of the perceived wisdom regarding what I am attempting but there are specifics here beyond the scope of this question).

This is trying to avoid the putting all FA in the one size fits all thing - I know and advocate that you are all individuals first, and not the sum of your attachment label. 

I won't bore with the break up, brief NC and then slow paced reconnection by messaging.

Very recently three months after break up (overwhelm, deactivation - whatever term suits).. we met back up.

It was like nothing ever happened - just instant connection and ease with each other.

I had planned on just the two drinks at bar and then away - partly for me pacing things, and partly for her system. I don't know how it all works (from her view) but I didn't want to re-trigger anything.

Two drinks became three, at the bar she said I could stay over (bed or couch was not specified).

Ended up back at hers - more drinks.. we relaxed into each other just like we used to, her draped across me.  It was set up for kissing, but I didn't. I had this idea not to rush it all first meet... It was clear by now the couch wasn't the option. The ease of us and the chat was though time inbetween and break up hadn't happened. (We were neither of us mentioning it).

Long story short - I tucked her in, kissed her on the forehead and left.

--- this is where I start to need some input..

- we messaged warmly the next day about how we enjoyed meeting, seeing each other again.

- and again further message with warmth and jokes since, but I am not flooding her inbox deliberately. She was never much of a messager and I am trying to take things bit by bit.

- BUT; Have I ballsed up by leaving that night? I was trying to respect both myself and her by not just rushing into bed the first meet?

It could just have been a glorified "booty call" but the unspoken impression was we are both feeling our way, see how we are with each other and it may work to a fresh start. (And again won't bore with the details but pretty sure that takes on it is right).

I didn't want to force too much and try and see her again this weekend, but going to try see her next weekend.It's the FA angle that complicates things (obviously) without that I would just have stayed, with that I am trying to skirt around re-triggering whilst things are in flux.

I was broken up with by text from a dismissive avoidant and no contact for theee months. I reached out to him and he responded. Here is the text exchange and I’m wondering what to do next.

Hope you are doing well, Luke…just wanted to say hi. Go Cubbies…maybe a third walk off win tonight.🤞🏻

Hello Mary. How are you doing? Summer break coming soon. I’m envious. We’re busy AF. Could use a break. 

Well I’m looking for another job, so my break might not be as long as usual. That’s probably a good thing that you’re busy though, right? Being in a slump during the busy season would be no bueno. 

Then nothing from him.. I just left it there. Was he spooked by something I said? Just wanted to leave it there for now? I should take it as a positive that he responded at least, right? And it was a warm response. I just don’t know how or when to text again. Do I have to wait for him to initiate now? Background to him saying he’s busy..I now that pretty text book for DA, but he does own a business and this right at the beginning of his busy season. Also, the big game was on while this text was happening, so he might have been distracted.

I think I did,at some point

Me asking him if he confessed his love for her was not asking for an answer I didn’t have already. It was to break the soul tie I still felt with him. I knew the answer, it was no surprise. He told her first, 3 months in.. 6 years, and I’ve never heard the words. It hit my soul, not that he loves someone else, what hit me was the time wasted on someone who never chose me.. even when he thought he did and I gave him the opportunity to choose me. What does that say about me? Am I unlovable? Or do I love people who are not ready to feel love?