r/AvoidantRelationships

I keep wondering what a soulmate actually is. I thought loving would be so easy. I think about my ex, and I keep wondering why it was so hard...when the truth is, I made it hard.

When we first met, I was so set on her. I told everyone about her before we were even anything. I was just drawn to her in a way I couldn't explain. On our first date, I couldn't stop looking at her. She’s stunning. All I could think about was how I couldn't wait to introduce her to my family and how eager I was for her to be mine. She was cautious at first, told me I was love bombing so I chilled out...probably in the worst way. I will admit that while I was waiting for her to finally open up to me, I kept texting or going back to my ex-situationships. I was scared my ex wouldn't pick me, so I just kept cycling back through the people that I knew were probably still waiting. I know it's messed up. I don't know why I did it, but I asked her if she even wanted to be with me ever, and she said yes, so I stopped talking to them. Finally, we got together. I couldn't believe someone as kind, smart, and beautiful as her would want to be with someone like me. I’d never been in a committed relationship before but with her, I didn't want to walk away.

As I integrated my ex into my life, I kept getting more scared. I asked her once what happens if we do all of this and just end up getting hurt, and she told me that’s the point of a relationship: you try and you keep going together. She said love is something people fight for and right now, we're just seeing if that's even a possibility for us. But back then, I thought having those doubts meant she wasn't "my person." I thought loving would be easy. I thought i wouldn't be scared if this was actually my person.

When we were together, everything felt perfect. Maybe it was the honeymoon phase but even then I think about the days we just hung out. We always had so much fun. When we had any disagreements, we'd actually hear and talk it out. She was so good at expressing herself. At times, we both got emotional, but it was always a mature conversation. But whenever I was away from her, I’d get completely in my head, spiraling over questions like "What if she's not the one?" or "Why am I falling for a girl who didn't even like me to begin with?" I made up so many scenarios that weren't real. If I had all these questions, then maybe I shouldn't be serious with her. People always say that they know they're going to get married to the person they're with early on, but I really just couldn't imagine it anymore. I knew it was possible, but it felt too serious for me so early on. I pushed her away, stopped replying, shut down, and stopped being the person I promised I’d be. When she asked me about it, I just told her I didn't care for her anymore. I don't know if that was true, but looking back today, I’m still thinking about her and I still care so much.

They say a soulmate is the one person who makes life easy—someone who makes it safe to share your feelings, makes you feel heard, and talks you through things. She did all of that for me, but I couldn't meet her there. Did I just push away my soulmate?

I hurt the kindest, most understanding person to ever exist. She had been hurt so many times in her life, and she trusted me not to do that to her. She saw past my past, laughed and danced with me, played silly games, and was happy doing absolutely nothing together as long as we were in the same room. She was confident, beautiful, and proud to hold my hand and show me off because I had convinced her I was the one.

Instead, I became the exact person I used to hate—the one who broke her heart. I was so harsh when we ended things, and I keep replaying that final night over and over, wishing I had chosen different words. Like would we still be together if I just heard her out? I feel like I embarrassed her, disappointed my friends, and hurt the one person who gave me every benefit of the doubt. I don't know if there's any way to fix this, but the regret is eating me up.

Hello everyone, my wife recently shared with me that she has been unhappy on and off for a while during our marriage (married over 20 years). While I had seen hints of this, none of it seemed persistent, and she never wanted to talk about it (avoidant-dismissive attachment style).

We are in no position to separate, both financially and due to specific needs of our family.

What are some signs that she is quietly quitting, up until separation is more logistically feasible (i.e. when our kids leave the home)?

To be clear - this is not what I want. I love her very much.

My ex is Dx adhd ndx FA but my instinct tells me he is. We dated 20 years ago. Met through work. It was intense and I have never felt as seen or desired as he made me feel. I do believe he was in many ways the greatest love of my life. He came on strong and 5 months in he was flying me overseas to meet his family. On that trip he looked at me on a random night in a pub and told me "I can't do this" I was 27 knew nothing about attachment theory and was heartbroken. We continued the trip as if we were together and for the next 2 years continued to see each other long distance once we returned to the US. He was always a mentor to me and helped me with my masters thesis, but he kept another woman who was local to him on the back burner and made no secret about it. We were very close and became best friends with benefits. In late 2007 he met a new woman who is now his wife. We were still intermittently seeing each other, being physically intimate and talking on the phone but he never mentioned her. By then, I had started seeing other people and eventually met my now husband. Me and FA drifted apart with no closure. During this time his adhd was undiagnosed.

Over the years he would send messages on facebook wishing me a happy birthday or checking in when an emergency happened in my city that made national news. He even sent some long emails lamenting our past relationship and giving some version of an apology asking me to remember him for the good times we shared and saying I would find the kind of man he wished he could be. I always responded briefly, but cordially and never really gave our relationship another thought, however our lives followed an eerily similar path. We married the same year and each had one child born via IVF a few months apart. He and his wife had 3 breakups before they got married and she eventually reached out to me via DM after he deactivated his facebook. Meanwhile I never discussed the FA with my husband. Similarly, I was cordial with her but didn't mention him or ask about him and never gave her much to work with. At some point during this time he was diagnosed with adhd

Two years ago after some time away from corporate I went back to work and it happened that the company I worked for was working with his company. By this time he was a C level executive at his firm. He caught wind of it and arranged a totally pointless conference call that I would be on (he later told me he arranged the call). Two months later He then intercepted a weekly one to one call I had with his colleague and we caught up. I felt everything i had ever felt for him come back. He created a private chat for us and things became flirtatious quickly so I pulled back a bit so as not to be unprofessional. A few months later he announced his departure from the firm and asked to stay in touch with me via WhatsApp. I take full responsibility for my part in the emotional affair that has evolved since but his hot and cold behavior is the most confusing and exhausting dynamic I have ever experienced with anyone in my life. We have seen each other when we visit each other other's city (3 times so far this year). I have set boundaries around no physical intimacy or sexualization I have told him we need to pick a lane so I can navigate this accordingly, I have refused his offers to help me with side projects and my career, I have asked for more consistent communication and I have asked him to let me know if he needs space after we see each other or if we have a disagreement. All of this to get clarity so I can navigate accordingly. He usually goes dark after we see each other yet he told me he wants to redeem himself from 20 years ago. He had told me the time we spent together was so intense it left an imprint and he still remembers vivid details of intimate moments we shared. ETA: he also told me that looking back, he sabotaged our relationship the first time around because he was convinced I would find someone else and leave him. I told him that I never wanted anyone else.

Most recently we saw each other 2 months ago and has been mostly dark since with a couple of check ins updating me on a medical situation he's dealing with and keeps saying he wants to catch up "soon" with zero follow through. Side note: I lean anxious but present secure so my response to his medical update was to mirror his desire to catch up but I said whenever you're up to it. It had been almost 4 weeks since that check in. Meanwhile I've noticed he stays in touch with former female colleagues and his LinkedIn activity is liking their selfie posts and updates and I gather he's helping a couple of them with their business endeavors and perhaps even meeting up with them when he travels overseas so plenty of energy to be spending elsewhere just not on me.

If you read this far, I appreciate you. I'm exhausted and ready to walk away but would also love any insight from dx FA /ADHD. Also curious if there's any "right" way to walk away in this situation. I'm considering silently with no announcement just ghosting his next text, a simple mic drop type text or a final phone call explaining the pattern and discussing the situation and how it doesn't work for me. Appreciate any insight.

For those in relationships with someone who has an avoidant or fearful-avoidant attachment style: do you sometimes feel that the relationship is unequal, with one person taking on more responsibility for maintaining the connection, communicating, or resolving conflicts?

Do you feel overwhelmed by any of your partner’s behaviors? If so, which behaviors feel most overwhelming to you?

If this happens in your relationship, how do you navigate this dynamic without ending up taking full responsibility for the relationship?

I’d really like to hear from others who are experiencing something similar and learn what has—or hasn’t—helped make the relationship feel more balanced.