r/AvoidantRelationships

I, f/41, have been with my partner for 15 years. At the beginning I thought he was everything I wanted in a partner. I’m not gonna lie he has given me a great life and he’s always made sure I’m ok and have what I need. But as the years have gone (flew) by I begun to notice things that ….well…. fucking bother me. He’s very emotionally unavailable. I’m BPD and for those of you who know those two don’t mix. I’m surprised we’ve lasted this long. I’ve actually begun to see that he’s somewhat of a narcissist too. I always feel like he’s judging me. I’ve caught him flicking me off and shit like that behind my back also. We don’t have sex anymore (I won’t get into why) so there’s absolutely no affection or passion between us at all anymore. I feel like I’m living with a friend not a lover or true partner. To make matters worse I’ve become financially dependent on him which “I KNOW I KNOW”, I’m in the process of correcting that. It takes time unfortunately. I don’t really know where I’m going with this I just feel really alone. It sucks. That’s all.

What if i need support, how do I ask? What if i need to hear those words? What if I need reassurance? What if I am hurting? What if I just need consistency? Its been a long time that we've been doing the dance, and i need more...

I’m just trying to make sense of my confusion. I recently broke up with someone I suspect is a fearful avoidant after five months of dating.
We had a very intense start; she initiated plans and always wanted to see me. I was more cautious and took my time. During that period, she asked me to take more initiative, which I did by trying to plan our dates. However, I quickly realized that this changed the dynamic—she felt more distant with each passing day. It became much harder to make plans, as she frequently came up with excuses.
Eventually, we ended up at my place for dinner. Everything seemed fine; she was very charming, and the evening went really well. A couple of days later, I asked if she had any plans for the weekend, and that’s when the real distance started to show. She didn’t respond for a couple of hours, and when she did, she was short and distant. This eventually led to a conversation about our situation, during which she confessed that she was seeing someone else, too. This triggered me, and I told her that she had to choose if she still wanted to be with me. She became very emotional and started crying. This led to another date where we decided to keep things casual and see what happens. Everything seemed fine, but at the end of the night, she didn't want to go home with me.
I grew tired of the situation and broke it off a few weeks later, as she had become distant again and didn’t want to meet up. Just three days after that, we broke the silence and went on another date. This time, I met her friends for the first time. She later told me that her friends really liked me, with one even commenting that we would have beautiful children. Despite this, she didn’t want to go home together at the end of the night. I told her I was fine with it, but she later admitted that something was "blocking" her, though she couldn't explain what it was.
A couple of weeks passed with the same push-and-pull dynamic. We met up just before she left for a week-long vacation, and she showed me her Tinder to prove that I was her only match and that she was only seeing me. I thought everything was fine, especially since she called me from the airport and even double-texted me a day or two into her trip. But by the third day, it was radio silence.

When she returned home, she broke up with me. She told me she couldn’t put her finger on why she was acting this way—that she really likes me, but her brain doesn’t feel the same as it did in "the beginning." So here I am: I understand the situation on some level, but I am still terribly confused. She cries, says she likes me, yet she still can’t allow herself to get closer.
I told her that we will probably never see each other again. I sent her a message saying that she is fantastic, and she replied saying the same about me, calling me a wonderful person. I am applying no contact now. Logically, I know that this "relationship" is not good for me, but emotionally, it’s still eating me up inside.

So what do I do, and what should I think? Open for insights 😊

“You’ve been extremely hot and cold with me, and it’s left me confused and exhausted. One day you tell me you love me, and the next you tell me you don’t want me or that you’d marry anybody but me. I genuinely don’t know what I’m supposed to make of that.

What has also become difficult for me is feeling like everything happens on your terms—when we talk, when we don’t, when things are okay, and when they’re not. When hurtful things are said, I don’t just magically feel fine because you’ve moved on from it. It doesn’t work that way.

Being told I’m worthless, having my feelings dismissed, and then being expected to act normal afterwards has taken a toll on me. I don’t think that’s fair.

I also want to be clear about something: being with you is a choice, not a necessity. I care about you, but I do not need this relationship at the cost of my self-respect.

If you want love, respect, and understanding from me, those things need to go both ways. I cannot keep carrying the emotional consequences of things you say while being told my reactions are the problem.

If you want to leave, then leave. But I’m done accepting this version of the relationship. I’d rather be alone than stay in something that makes me feel confused, unwanted, and disrespected.

So get your shit and thoughts together.”

My partner of 5.5 years left me out of the blue about 3 weeks ago.

The weirdest part to me is that when we initially broke up he told me he was going to take the cat he had before we met. We have two cats but one we got together. I was obviously upset but understood. He started moving out two days later and I asked him to wait to take the cat so I can say goodbye. Then he said “oh I might get you to keep him” and when I asked why he said “my new apartment is small and he loves you and <other cat>”. I left it at that.

Also important to note he has left a bunch of stuff at the apartment, like his computer, PS5, and other expensive things.

I haven’t talked to him since that day because I’ve asked to go no contact

What is happening I need help

I'm an FA and I have handled things poorly with my DA boyfriend. I had no idea he was DA until very recently because he never communicates anything.

I have left him several times and he had always come right back e within days. Recently he opened up to me and that's how I confirmed he is indeed DA.

I have been doing therapy to better understand both attachment styles. I have learned a lot about how badly I handled things sometimes because he is a DA.

I want to tell him about what I have learned, areas where I will adjust my approach to not trigger him and how sorry I am for having unintentionally contributed to the issues we are having. How to communicate this without triggering him?

TIA

So I met this guy on tinder almost 2 years ago. We hooked up. At the time he wasn’t looking for anything serious. I got a boyfriend in the meantime and we kept in contact but strictly platonic, or so I tried to make it. He would be flirty every once in a while and I would shut it down. Well, 5 months ago I told him we’d have to stop talking because I had a boyfriend and I felt like he was trying to come in between us, also that our interactions began to feel secretive and I didn’t feel good about it. This was his exact response: “I understand why you need to do this, and I want you to know that I respect your decision, even though it breaks my heart a little. I’ve actually been wishing things were different—wishing we had met at another point in life, when maybe we could’ve had a real chance. I truly believe our relationship would’ve been so much deeper if the timing weren’t working against us.
When we hooked up, I wasn’t being the kind of man I want to be. I wasn’t a gentleman or someone who protected your heart. I was caught up in the moment, selfish and weak, and I hate that. Because the truth is, I felt something real with you. You made me feel understood in a way I rarely do. You felt safe, familiar, and genuine.
I want a family someday. I want to love fully and be loved the same way. I have so much love to give, and I really thought maybe we could have been something real—out in the open, not hidden away. I know this isn’t some trick or manipulation. I’m just being honest with how I feel and what I wish could be.
Thank you for being honest with me too. You don’t owe me anything, but your kindness and honesty mean everything. I’ll always care about you and wish you happiness. I hope life brings you the peace and love you deserve.
What I really want in life now is to build my own family. I don’t mean that in a harsh or dismissive way toward the one I come from — it’s just that I need a fresh start. I want to be a husband, a dad, and to create a home that feels peaceful, loving, and stable. I want to put my time, energy, and heart into my future family — to raise kids, love them well, and build something that grows from who I am, not just where I came from.
I think part of growing up is realizing that your future doesn’t have to look like your past, and that’s what I’m chasing — a chance to make something new, something ours.”

We didn’t talk for a month or so. He tried to reach out and I gently shut it down. I eventually opened communication back in maybe early April because I did miss him. We hung out a couple of times and chatted every once in a while. Prior to the second hang out he was trying to convince me to come up and spend the night the night before we planned to hang out. I declined. He had been asking for nudes. I declined. The second time we hung out it was for like 6 hours, he made us dinner, it escalated sexually…, I went with him to get something he bought from the Facebook marketplace and then I went home. I casually admitted to feelings during our hangout and he took it very well. Two days later we had this text exchange:

Me:
Can I ask you a serious question?

I feel like we’ve both acknowledged before that there’s an interesting dynamic between us, even if we don’t always say it directly. But sometimes I struggle to understand where the line is between unspoken tension and actual feelings/intention, especially when certain conversations get emotionally intense.
I absolutely love talking to you, and I think part of why is because there’s a level of emotional intimacy and intensity between us that feels hard to ignore. But I also notice that sometimes after we have those really deep or emotionally charged conversations, there’s a kind of distance afterward that leaves me unsure how to interpret everything.
I don’t say that critically — I think I’m just trying to understand what this connection actually means to you, because sometimes I leave our conversations feeling both very close to you and very confused at the same time.
What does this dynamic feel like from your side?

Him:
I really appreciate you being honest about all that. I get what you’re saying, and I don’t think you’re wrong—there is kind of a unique dynamic between us, and I value that too. I enjoy talking with you a lot, especially when we get into those deeper conversations.
At the same time, I think some of that “close and then distant” feeling you’re picking up on is probably me trying to stay aware of where the line is. I care about you, but I also want to respect your relationship and not let things drift into something that gets confusing or crosses a boundary.
And just being real with you—I think part of that means we both need to keep things in the right place. I don’t want there to be any kind of romantic energy or tension between us that takes away from your relationship. You’ve got a boyfriend, and I think that deserves to be respected fully.
For me, what this is—what I want it to be—is a really solid friendship where we can be real and talk about meaningful stuff, without it turning into something physical or something more.
I don’t want to lose what’s good about this, I just want to make sure we’re keeping it in a place that’s actually healthy for both of us.

Me:
I appreciate how thoughtfully you always respond to me. And I really respect that you care enough about me to also care about the important relationships in my life.
Can I ask something honestly though? What shifted for you? This response just feels really different from how things felt between us before, especially recently. I think I’m just trying to understand whether the change is about wanting healthier boundaries, or whether you feel differently now after we crossed that line physically.
And I guess part of what’s hard for me is not fully understanding whether this is something you’re stepping back from because of the circumstances, or because you genuinely only see this as friendship. I think part of why this has felt emotionally confusing for me is that once I stopped fighting my feelings and pretending I wasn’t feeling anything, the distance between us suddenly felt much more noticeable.

Him:
I hear what you’re saying, and I want to be honest with you too. I’m just not in a place where I want to step into a relationship with anyone right now. I’ve been working on getting to a healthier place mentally, and I need to stay focused on that.
It’s not really about something changing between us or what happened—it’s more about me recognizing what I can and can’t handle well right now. I do care about you, and I respect you a lot, but I think keeping things as a friendship is what’s healthiest for me at this point.

Me:
Thank you for being honest with me and for taking the conversation seriously. I know this probably wasn’t easy to say, and I genuinely respect the level of maturity and self-awareness behind it.
I appreciate the clarity. Honestly, the uncertainty around everything had been weighing on me all day, so even though I know this wasn’t an easy conversation, I’m glad we were able to have it openly.
I also want you to know that I respect what you’re saying and your desire to focus on getting to a healthier place. I obviously would never want to make things harder for you (his name) ☺️

A few hours later he blocked me…on everything. I know that he does struggle with his mental health, he drinks every day and smokes weed frequently but I just want to know if that seems like a legit reason to throw away 2yrs of contact. This was 6 weeks ago. What the fuck happened????

TLDR: I’ve been interacting with a guy I met on tinder over 2 years ago. We hooked up recently and then he blocked me on everything…I just want to understand. If there’s anyone who’s avoidant that can give their perspective that would be helpful. I don’t know for sure that he is but I suspect he is.

I (24M) have been seeing a girl (23F) for about six weeks. We met on Hinge, and we both admitted we don’t really do that kind of thing very often, but we pushed through and ended up hitting it off. Several dates in, we’ve been intimate, she’s stayed over, met my pet, and things felt genuinely warm. She’s a very nice, sweet, respectful girl, which is part of why this has thrown me.

She relocated to my area a couple months ago and lives with family. She’s mentioned a past relationship where she was love bombed, so I’ve intentionally kept things low pressure. Early on she was very warm and consistent. She initiated affection verbally, used pet names, and talked about wanting to see me more. She’s never been the one to initiate plans, but always responded enthusiastically when I did.

I’ve really connected with this girl. We have similar plans for the future in terms of where we eventually want to move, and we both want to get more into hiking, so our personalities and lifestyles seem like they’d fit well together. That’s part of why this situation has been so confusing.

Over the past two weeks her communication dropped off significantly. She does physically demanding cleaning work, and a family member who normally shares the load had to travel out of state for a family loss, so her workload roughly doubled. On top of that, the heat where we live has been brutal lately, which makes the physical work even more draining, and she’s been dealing with a recurring health issue. She’s been coming home completely wiped out. Then she went almost completely silent. It’s now been six days with no response to my last two texts, which were a simple “I miss you, are you free this weekend?” and a check-in asking if she was okay. She’s been minimally active online during this time but hasn’t reached out. I haven’t sent anything further. My plan is to send one final low pressure message at the one week mark and then leave the ball in her court. Is that the right move, or am I misreading this? Looking for honest outside perspective.

When you need to have a serious conversation, do you tend to become defensive or respond in a more abstract way?

I’m asking because someone I care about seems to have this attachment style (or at least that’s how I perceive it). Whenever we need to talk about something important, I try to approach it with a lot of respect, calmness, and care. He does stay in the conversation and responds, so it’s not like he avoids it completely.

What happens is that his responses often feel very abstract. I usually struggle to understand exactly what he means. When I ask follow-up questions for clarification, the conversation becomes even more abstract, and in the end I feel mentally exhausted, confused, and like I still don’t really understand what was being communicated.

I really respect how he functions, and I understand that attachment styles can influence how people handle difficult conversations. I’m not trying to judge or generalize.

I’m just wondering if others with a fearful-avoidant attachment style relate to this. If so, what is happening internally in those moments? And is there a way to make these conversations clearer, more direct, and less draining for both sides?

Can anyone help me understand this?

I've noticed something that genuinely confuses me. Some people with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style seem incredibly personable. They're responsible, reliable, funny, and always there for their friends. If a friend needs help moving, wants to go for a run, or calls them in a crisis, they're there without hesitation.

But around their spouse, partner, or even their own parents, it's like a completely different person.

They seem emotionally unavailable. They act like helping their partner is a burden. Affection feels forced. Emotional conversations are met with distance or annoyance. It can feel like you're asking for too much just by wanting closeness.

What messes with my head is that everyone else says, "He's such a nice guy." They only see the version that's warm, generous, and easygoing. Meanwhile, the person at home experiences someone who feels emotionally absent.

It makes me question my own reality. I start wondering if I'm the problem. Am I expecting too much? Am I somehow causing this? It honestly feels like being gaslit because everyone else's experience of them is so different from yours.

Is this something that's actually common with dismissive avoidant attachment, or am I misunderstanding what's going on?

I'd really appreciate hearing from people who've experienced either side of this.

Me and my girlfriend broke up 1 day before our 1 year aniversry. We had had arguments, sure, but nothing bad. In the beginning it was great. She was loving, the sex was great, she made me feel like the most important man in the world and would tell me and all her frineds that I was the one. Her kids loved me, and told me how much their mom loved me and how happy she was that I loved the kids and that they loved me as well. She gave me a key to her house, told me I was part of the family and to come and go as I pleased. I took care of her kids, picked them up and got them where they needed to be when she worked. Our first argument I left to go get something to drink (cold, like gatoraid, it was hot and i was working) and gather my thoughts, to which she called crying asking if I was leaving and not going to work out our problems. I responded what I was doing and we fixed our first issue. Then the 3 month mark hit, and it was like a switch flipped. She turned cold, when she would get mad or have an argument she would shut down, go quiet, not talk for days to a week, like I was being punnished and would be mad that I wanted to fix us. My main issue durring our relationship was involvment, I was never included in things, and could never get alone dates. And when I would voice my frustrations, she would always tell me to leae if i was not happy and to lose her number and delete her from facebook. Well, since we broke up, she still has me on facebook, and still reads my texts (if that matters in the slightes). I never once acted like I was not happy, but there were things that we needed to work on together as a couple.

But durring all that I fell more and more in love with her, and realized that she is the one I want. We talked about marriage, and kids. Durring our arguments when she would tell me to leave if I was not happy, should would always tell me when we are done, to delete her number and from facebook, because we will be done for good.

Well, a little over a month ago I bought her an engagement ring. I didnt plan on doing the proposing anytime soon, but I had it purhased because I wanted to be ready, and I could afford it (dont get me wrong, I had when I was planning on doing it already planned out). So, the day before our anniversay, we had an argument becuase she canceled plans again, and I got upset. ANd she told me to leave if I was not happy. Then out of the blue said it may not be fixable. So we agreed to meet at her house for a few minutes. She looked me in the eyes, compared me to her dad becuase I come and go in her house, she told me she no longer loved me and didnt find me attractive anymore.

I am ok with the breakup if she really wasnt happy, or really didnt love me anymore. It just seems that she was going down a path becuase she found out about the ring and got scared. I am a guys, so i could be completly missing something, but all signs point to a whithdrawl, and I would love to figure out how to navigate this. I dont want to lose her, I want her to know I love her as she is. Any help and or insight would be appreciated.

This is the first relationship I have been in that I want to work for. And want to do what I need to short of telling her that she needs to get some help. I dont want to argue, and I dont want to make her feel bad, but I want her to know I am here for her.

P.S. I had better add this to the post. She found out about the engagement ring through her daughter. One of her kids does not have a dad, and her and I were close and none of her moms exes treated her well, so I tried my hardes to make sure she knew I cared, and was involved in everyhing. So I let her know about the ring and sent her a picture of it becuase I wanted her to know I wasnt just planning on asking her mom to marry me, but I wanted her to know that she was important to me as well. So that was one of my ways of showing her that she mattered to me.
Do i reach out, do i stay no contact, do I honestly say to hell with it and give up? I dont want her thinking I dont care, but I also do not want to push her away by trying.

After extended amount of time of being hypervigilant to notice his mood shifts, reaching out to him when he shut me out, coaxing him into communicating with me, reassuring him, soothing his pain, single handedly trying to find solutions, being extra delicate with my words & actions (since it's just a pain if he emotionally retreats again), figuring out (since he wouldn't communicate openly) his needs, etc, I found myself losing all attraction to him.

He is objectively good looking, but I can't even see him as a man anymore. I feel like I've slowly started to view him as a child (I don't mean to be condescending), that I have to care & cater for. And the thought of being physically intimate with him just made me shudder, and I have to disassociate a bit.

WARNING: This is long, I apologize, but alot has happened, and context is needed.

Me (29F) and my long‑distance partner (51M) have been reconnecting after a rough patch (due to my health issues), and this weekend felt like a turning point until today. I don't really have anyone in my life I can talk to about this. My friends and family don't know the full depth of my relationship, partly because of our significant age gap and partly because we're long‑distance. I've been trying to figure out for myself whether this relationship is truly right for me before involving others.

Right now, I feel sick, confused, and honestly disappointed. I need some outside perspective. Bonus points: If you're an avoidant attached person, can you weigh in on this and give me advice

Some context about us

We're in a long‑distance relationship, so every visit requires planning, energy, and several hours of travel. Despite the age gap, we've built something that feels real and meaningful. He's mature, grounded, hardworking, and emotionally steady in ways younger men often aren't. I've always felt safe with him.

We've had some rough patches recently due to my health issues, but we've been reconnecting. This weekend was only the second time we've seen each other in a while, and it genuinely felt like we were finding our rhythm again.

He was affectionate. He called me pet names again. He talked about future plans and things he wanted us to build together.

I left feeling loved, appreciated, and hopeful.

And then today happened.

Friday

I traveled several hours to see him.

Friday was great: we spent quality time together, I gave him a massage afterward (which left me sore the next day), we were laughing, watching TV, picking up food. It felt like us again.

But there was one moment that threw me off.

After traveling all that way, we were heading to get food. He asked me to drive, which I agreed to even though I was tired. As soon as I got in the driver's seat, he told me to call the restaurant and order the food while driving.

I made a sarcastic comment about not being his servant because the way he said it genuinely threw me off. He called instead and ordered while I drove. Teamwork makes the dream work, right? He seemed annoyed and impatient on the drive back, which was unusual for him.

I brushed it off because he works long hours and gets tired. We ate. Watched more TV and went to sleep.

Saturday

I worked all morning on my own job to get ahead for the week.

Later, I went to a big‑box store to replace a battery he needed. Before going inside, I had a long business call that drained me socially. Since I was already there, I decided to get groceries for dinner to save time.

I normally buy salmon from a nicer grocery store, but the big‑box store was crowded and I knew the other store would be worse. I was overstimulated, tired, and trying to be efficient.

The salmon wasn't the best quality. It didn't cook the way it normally does, but it was still edible. I even said I wouldn't buy it there again.

That evening, he asked for a massage. Context: I've given him many massages in the past, not just as part of winding down together, but often just because he's in pain. But I was exhausted and my hands hurt from the night before, so I said no.

He didn't seem to like that.

He took a long nap, and while he slept, I spent hours on my laptop working on a project he asked me to help with. Later that night we spent time together and everything seemed fine.

I thought everything was good.

Sunday morning

Early in the morning, before he left for work, he kissed me goodbye. It felt normal, affectionate, and consistent with how the weekend had been. There was no sign anything was wrong.

After he left, I stayed a bit longer, then traveled several hours back home, still tired and sore from the weekend, but emotionally I felt hopeful and connected.

Everything still felt fine.

And then today happened

This morning, he called me and spoke in a stern, frustrated tone about:

• the salmon
• where I bought it
• how it tasted
• how I "only give massages when it's convenient for me"
• how I "put him on the back burner"
• how I "didn't prioritize him"
• how I "had an attitude"
• how I "should've gone to the nicer store instead"

I stayed calm and asked if something had happened today because he has never spoken to me like this before. He wouldn't answer.

I explained:

• I was exhausted
• I worked all morning Saturday
• I ran errands for him
• I cooked for him
• I spent hours working on a project for him
• The stores were crowded
• The salmon wasn't great, but it wasn't inedible
• I wasn't putting him on the back burner
• I was trying to be efficient and thoughtful

He didn't care. He said, "I'm not crying over spilled milk."

But he was clearly upset. Then he said:

"I came into this world by myself. I'll die by myself. I always pick myself up. I don't need anyone."

It felt like he was emotionally distancing himself, undoing all the closeness from the weekend.

I told him it wasn't fair that he gets massages but I don't, and that I'm in pain sometimes too. He said I don't get pain like he does because he was in an accident.

I wasn't trying to compare pain, but I have a health condition that causes severe cramps and body aches. I just don't complain or ask him for massages.

Eventually, I said:

"I'm not going to argue about this. I cared for you with love. If you didn't like something, that's okay. I'm going to hop off for a bit. I'll talk to you later."

And I hung up.

Now I'm sitting here… dumbfounded

I feel sad, unappreciated, and confused. How do you go from affection and future‑talk to being upset about salmon and massages?

I'm not trying to bash him. He's a good man in many ways. He works hard. He's under pressure.

But this morning felt like emotional whiplash.

I don't know if this is:

• stress
• insecurity
• ego
• avoidant attachment
• emotional immaturity
• a long‑distance dynamic
• an age‑gap dynamic
• or something deeper

I just know it hurt.

Has anyone experienced something like this? Is this normal? Is this something couples work through? Is this something I should be worried about?

Because right now, I feel like I'm losing my mind over a piece of salmon and a massage I was too exhausted to give.

Update:

A week later we weren't talking and I decided to take myself out since he never took me out or did any romantic gestures. I wore a beautiful red dress and felt super pretty. I bought myself a ticket to a comedy show (it was awesome!) It ended around midnight. So I decided while I was downtown, I would go to a bar and people watch (also awesome!). At the end of the night, a gentleman came up to me and tried to start a conversation. I immediately told him that I have a partner and that respectfully, this wouldn't go anywhere. He was understanding and said he just wanted to talk, good conversation and good company type of vibes. I was fine with that since I don't really have any friends locally and I'm a very friendly person, but I know my boundaries.

We sat and talked about different topics like music, the economy, politics, etc. It was a healthy conversation. That was really nice, just a simple human-to-human connection. It was so enjoyable that we ended up leaving the bar, and his friend came along. We kept the conversation going and decided to go get something to eat at IHOP. They said food was on them. I didn't think much of it because we were just having such a great conversation. We ate, I left, and went home super late, way after closing time, but very much needed. My social battery felt recharged.

I slept until late morning, mind you I don't normally sleep late. My partner called me early in the morning while I was still asleep. I was still upset with him over the whole salmon and massages situation, so I didn't call him back right away because I wanted to decompress before having a full conversation. I thought: let me shower, eat, get some work done, and then call him back. But I did not text him to let him know this (don't come at me in the comments, I was trying to protect my peace). I did everything I needed to do and was finally sitting at my laptop when he texted me: "I see you clearly ignored my phone call." Literally one minute later, he called. I answered.

He immediately accused me of ignoring him. I told him I was going to call him later and just needed to shower, eat, and get some work done. He was upset about me not answering, and I already sensed where his mind was going, assuming I had done something the night before. I didn't. I didn't even entertain the accusation. I told him I wasn't going to engage with accusations. He said I had an attitude, that we shouldn't talk further, and hung up on me.

Fast-forward to Monday and he calls me. I answer. He immediately opens with "you actually answered this time." We talked about the salmon and massages situation. He didn't take accountability, and I tried to explain the cause-and-effect of how his behavior made me feel. He was silent. The only thing he took accountability for was asking me to drive after I had already driven four hours.

Then the conversation shifted to why I hadn't answered the phone. He was convinced something happened Friday night that I wasn't telling him. To be upfront: I initially didn't mention going to the bar or IHOP because it didn't register as something significant to me. I genuinely saw it as a normal human interaction. I'm a friendly person and I know my boundaries. It didn't feel like something to report. But as he kept digging, I eventually told him the full story in detail.

He lost it when I mentioned the guys at IHOP. He said I was just sitting there smiling and having conversations while I have a whole partner. What he didn't acknowledge was that I had been speaking highly of him to those strangers, even after everything. He didn't care. He was completely fixated on the idea that I had cheated and wouldn't let it go.

Things went really south when he said "Oh, didn't realize this is an open relationship now, I guess this is an open relationship now."

This broke my heart into a million pieces. I lost it. I told him it is absolutely not an open relationship, that I did nothing wrong, and that I was willing to show him my entire message history. I started spiraling, asking what I needed to do to prove my innocence, thinking about how hurt I'd be if he actually acted on that comment. I was crying and yelling about my innocence, which I know wasn't my finest moment, but he was really pushing me.

At some point I started listing all the good things about our relationship and why it would make zero sense for me to throw it away. As I was pouring my heart out, he fell asleep and started snoring on the phone. I eventually hung up.

I'm scared about the "open relationship" comment. It has been a really emotional week. I don't even know if this relationship is salvageable, and please don't be harsh in the comments, it's hard when you're deeply in love with someone. He wasn't like this in the beginning. I don't know what changed.

I can't have trust on only one side. Something tells me he's not going to apologize. He told himself a narrative and believes it. I even said "haven't you heard of innocent until proven guilty?" and he said "yeah, and you're guilty, not answering the phone was the evidence."

It makes me wonder if calling me every single day was a form of control all along.

I'm trying to work through this, Reddit. Is this relationship salvageable? Did I do anything wrong, or is this a one-sided situation? What do you do when you're completely innocent and no one believes you? I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone. I never meant to hurt him. I love him, which is exactly why his behavior is breaking me.

Bonus points: If you're an avoidant attached person, can you weigh in on this and give me advice if this was just him being defensive? Should I do no contact for 90 days that hear about online? I have never been with an avoidant attached partner before would love insights on this and how to navigate the situation. Thank you so much for reading all of this

Yes, 20. Married 15. He came home one day and did the discard. An affair had happened. He then proceeded to admit cheating.

I found out it was actually an 11 year affair. He refused to move out. They love their primary partner and the stability, don't they. Now there was zero reasons to do any work our accountability.

So I shamed that mfucker, like he deserved. How can he drop that in me and still live here? I stepped on his neck with the truth. He needed to leave.

He curled up in his little FA tortoise shell and I punted it. Super Mario Bros style .

He moved in with her. 6 weeks later, I am getting my divorce done this week.

I will now invest in me and my emotions, and not some gigantic, critical, flaw finding, never satisfied pit

I am going thru one right now, dealing with a avoidant breakup who broken up multiple times with reasons like cant handle or overwhelm but came back.

Has anyone been thru that and how did you do it?

Sorry for the typo in the title. It won’t let me edit it. My bf broke up with me over something I won’t discuss here, and we both expressed sadness with the breakup that it didn’t appear it was going to work out, but all I wanted was a 10 min phone call for closure since our last call when things ended, I was at work. He kept saying “we will talk about it” but each day would go by and nothing.

Finally a week later I asked him why he is not prioritizing the phone call. (We would text a bit here and there, mostly I would initiate.) He said he is just so “exhausted “ and “overwhelmed “. He works on a cruise ship and his 10 month contract ends in 9’days and he gets to go home, so I noticed for the last month or so he had been using the word “overwhelmed” and “exhausted”more when it came to dealing with emotional conversations with me. I could tell he was taking his frustrations out on me.

Anyways, it’s been 14 days since the break up and I felt he was still reconsidering the relationship from some things he said. I was trying to give him space. So I was on day 3 of no contact, but I am a person who says my feelings so I broke the contact and sent him a long message this morning saying I deserve better than this and all I wanted was a phone call. I want someone who doesn’t detach emotionally when things get hard and that I just want to be by myself right now to grow as a person .

He responded as soon as he woke up with “I understand I respect that “. Like what is that supposed to mean? Like were you still
Considering the relationship and just expected me to wait around forever? Like… no apology or acknowledgment of my feelings, but he finally replied to me at least for the first time in 6 days. I am just going crazy because the truth is I would work it out with him.
HELP with advice or perspective please 🙏

All the partners to an avoidant girlfriend/boyfriend, please share how to stay calm and not get anxious every single minute of your conscious/waking life in a long distance relationship.
And to all the avoidant people in the community, how do we know what do you want and how to communicate with you

Sometimes I don't actually feel afraid. Instead, I tell myself I'm just being prudent, cautious, responsible, or waiting for the right time. Later, though, I wonder if those reasons were actually fear in disguise, keeping me from doing things that matter to me.

I also feel like this has made me more pragmatic. I tend to prioritize what's safe, practical, or predictable over what I genuinely want or find meaningful.

Does anyone else relate to this? Do you also consider yourselves more pragmatic because of avoidance? How do you tell the difference between healthy caution and fear disguised as prudence or responsibility?