Broken up with by a FA - Excruciating pain
I'm male in my 50's, she is also in her 50's.
We had a long distance relationship, almost 2 years. Talked a little about plans to relocate, though only very little talking about the plans.
We had a great beginning, easy, slow, building and had contact every day, on average about every 1 hour or so , either calls continuously or messages in the entirety of almost 2 years.
I visited her on average about every 3rd week for about 5 days or so and more on holiday times, she also came here but not as frequently, because it was easier for me to travel to her.
We had great times together, close, intimate, never did she push me away from affections.
However, "odd" things happened from time to time, something I'd say, would trigger her, she'd completely stonewall me for hours, other times violent outbursts in anger. She has a stressful job, almost no free time on a daily basis - so I presumed all her nervous energy and nervous system was from her surroundings. This made me uneasy during these "odd" moments that I didnt comprehend. She had some family issues growing up, thats where her FA comes from.
Time to time, during her outbursts and other things, I would sometimes think "Shes not the one for you! Your feelings have no safe harbour in her" and other thoughts. It was very disruptive. When I first arrived, the first few days were bit turbulent, but the last days before I left again were very rich, intimate and personal bonding and connection.
Then near the last month or so, I met another woman (purely platonic) and had a meeting with her, but my FA got very jealous and exploded - even though we reconciled about this aspect and she seemed "ok" with it, but another 2-3 weeks passed and I could feel the irritations on the phone until finally, at one of my jokes, seemed to "crack" her and she had violent outburst then hanged up. She would sometimes hang up, or close telephone call prematurely - I always took consideration to her feelings, her stress and busy schedules - but I never felt she took my emotions into consideration - though many times she would call back and apologize and ask if I was ok. So to me it seemed like a normal relationship with its sometimes discussions and whatnot, nothing unusual, I felt she was very warm and loving and considerate despite the sometimes outbursts or "odd" behaviors. All my friends, without exception said that she is not for me, being disrespectful, talking badly to me on the phone e.t.c.
We never said "I love you" to each other in all this time, but used other words, as if we're both holding back - and I also really wanted to bond deeper, but my intuition or "something" was holding me back from getting closer to her.
Long story short - she broke up over text message 2 days after shouting at me on the phone. I texted back "good" and whole lot of other things - then after that - total radio silence.
I was shocked at the breakup, felt relief for a day maybe, maximum, tried to call her next week and sent a few messages asking if we could talk. No response whatsoever, then sent her a very long email, apologizing for my bad behaviour, pouring out all feelings, wishing for us to reconcile and to work it out. I was met 2 days later with a "cold" email, taking no accountability, but presented with a 2 paged list of things I did wrong, that I was the cause of her stress, made her feel unworthy and she just wants peace in her life and ended with "dont want to talk more of this anymore". And that was that. This was 3 weeks ago. I tried calling in moment of weakness, not a lot, just 2 times in the last weeks.
This is the first time this happened to me, so had to Google, what the hell does "no contact" mean, never tried this, always had easier breakups where you spoke a bit back and forth with your ex's, trying to be gentler, more humane.
Then I understood and read and saw YouTube videos and finally understood this attachment theory, that I was basically discarded seemingly without emotion or remorse.
The pain is excruciating! Here I am , a grown man in my 50's crying at intervals throughout day. Body is going through detox, from dead silence from my phone and from her. I work from home, I live in the countryside, I only get to meet the postman. I tried taking a distraction journey twice to different countries, but it made it much worse, being in foreign place, was even more out of it.
I miss her so incredibly , its a shock to my system, I feel out of place. I never cried in front of my parents for example, not since being a child and was on the phone and couldn't hold a conversation because of sobbing.
I am not angry at her, I understand why and what her mechanisms are - so its hard to be angry at someone that "cant help it" but still not an excuse for being discard and thrown onto the sidewalk like a piece of trash and last years seems to mean absolutely nothing!
I am hoping it will not last, that I will recover, never went to therapy, but I have started therapy lessons for the first time in my life. It is SO incredibly bewildering and painful - I had painful breakup experiences before, in my 20's that was msot certainly more painful, but not in this type of context.
I love her and I want to reconcile, I want to sacrifice parts of me for this, I know its wrong, but I am too weak to refuse. The detox from dead silence whole day and night alone in the house is unbearable.
Now to my question:
I want to write an email that I have changed my outlook, am seeking therapy to help change and gain understanding, quit smoking and also in her email, she accused me of various things, that are true for her perception, but not in my intention - she is writing to make me the villain of the story so its easier for her to get over me.
Its just so painful that someone that you cared for so long, just threw you away, without any consideration for the other - at least help each other get through it in a more humane way.
No contact is an evil and a blessing - I understand its to get perspective and to use it to grow - I am just not there yet and holding onto hope she will come back.
Its her birthday soon and want to send her flowers as a grand gesture and send the email the day before.
What is your experience with this, is it the abandonment or the discard that makes this so unnecessary painful and should I send email and flowers?
Need your guys help, please!