u/DueTop4733

I’m 21F and my boyfriend is 24M. We’ve been together for over a year. He is an intern doctor and I’m a medical student.

I’ve realized that I have an anxious attachment pattern. I get anxious and angry very easily, seek reassurance, and struggle with periods of little communication. Even 7–8 hours without contact can make me extremely low. When I get triggered, I feel like I lose control—I keep calling/texting, try to force conversations, fight to talk, or cry.

I know this is something I need to work on, and I genuinely want to become more secure. But I’m struggling to understand where my anxiety ends and where my relationship needs begin.

My boyfriend is genuinely very busy. He works around 12–14 hours a day in medicine and sometimes has 24–48-hour duties. I understand that he needs time to rest, be alone, meet friends, watch movies, etc. I don’t expect constant attention from him.

At the same time, I need some consistency and reassurance. We talk every day, but usually very little, and I feel like I initiate most of it. We meet around 3–4 times a week, and he does initiate sometimes, but I still often feel like I’m the one asking to meet or talk.

If I don’t initiate, he eventually does, but his frequency is much lower than mine. For him, going 12–24 hours with very little communication seems normal. For me, it feels extremely difficult. I become anxious, feel disconnected, and struggle to focus on anything else.

I have communicated my needs many times. He agrees to try, but I don’t see consistent change. He says he forgets to text me. Sometimes I see him active on Instagram or doing other things without replying, which triggers me.

He also tells me that when he replies, I immediately call or text again, so he feels like I expect him to spend all his free time with me. He says our conversations have become stressful because they often turn into emotional discussions or fights.

I understand his side. My anxiety creates pressure, and I know some of my reactions are unhealthy. The cycle usually looks like:

I feel disconnected → become anxious → pursue him harder → he feels pressured/withdraws → I become more anxious → we fight.

Recently I managed to have a calm conversation with him instead of fighting. He agreed to make more effort and asked me to stop fighting over small things. I want to work on my side too, rather than expecting him to regulate my emotions for me.

But I’m struggling with one question: if I become more secure, will I actually be okay with this level of communication, or will I still have a legitimate need for more emotional connection?

For people who have worked through anxious attachment and become more secure: how did you learn to distinguish between an anxiety-driven need for reassurance and a genuine relationship need? And how did you stop pursuing your partner without simply suppressing your own needs?

I’d really appreciate practical advice on becoming more secure while staying in the relationship.

21F with anxious attachment — am I asking for too much, or is this relationship making my anxiety worse?

I’m 21F and my boyfriend is 24M. We’ve been together for more than a year. He is an intern doctor and I’m a medical student who will become a doctor in the next 2 years.

I’ve realized that I have a strong anxious attachment pattern. I get anxious and angry very easily, constantly seek reassurance, overthink, and struggle badly with uncertainty. Even 7–8 hours without contact can make me extremely low and depressed. When I get triggered, I feel like I’m possessed by the anxiety and have very little control over myself. I keep calling/texting, trying to force a conversation, fighting to talk, or crying. I was even able to relate to the girl from the movie Obsession because of how consumed she becomes by her relationship.

I know this is my issue and I genuinely want to work on it. But sometimes I feel like this relationship is making my anxiety worse rather than helping me regulate it.

My boyfriend is genuinely very busy. He is currently posted in medicine, works around 12–14 hours a day, and sometimes has 24–48-hour duties. I understand that his work is exhausting, and I don’t expect constant attention. I also don’t want him to spend all his free time with me. I want him to have time alone, relax, watch reels/movies, meet friends, etc.

What I want is just some consistency and reassurance — a few peaceful minutes of communication and the feeling that he also wants to stay connected with me.

We talk every day, but usually very little, and I feel like I initiate most of it. I call 2–3 times a day, but he is often busy and we end up talking for only a minute or two. We meet around 3–4 times a week, and he does take me out and spend time with me when he is genuinely free. He does initiate sometimes too, but I still feel like I’m usually the one asking to meet or asking him to call.

For example, we could easily go for breakfast, but I feel like he will only call me if I specifically ask him to. If I stop initiating, he eventually does contact me, but his frequency is much lower than mine. For him, going 12–24 hours with very little communication seems completely normal. For me, it feels extremely difficult. I miss him, feel disconnected, become anxious, and then I can’t focus on anything else.

I have communicated my needs to him many times. He usually agrees that he will try, but I don’t see consistent change. I’ve asked him to at least send a small text when he gets free or let me know that he is busy. He says he forgets. At the same time, sometimes I see him active on Instagram or doing other things, and when he still doesn’t reply to me, it triggers me badly.

He tells me that whenever he replies, I immediately call or text again, and that he feels like I expect him to spend all his free time with me. He also says talking to me has become stressful because our conversations often turn into emotional discussions or fights.

And I understand why he feels that way. My anxiety does create pressure. When I feel ignored or disconnected, I pursue him more. He then feels pressured and withdraws or wants space. His withdrawal makes me even more anxious, so I pursue harder, and eventually we fight. It has become a cycle.

We have talked about this many times. Recently I tried having a calm conversation instead of fighting, explained everything properly, and he agreed that he would try from his side and also asked me to stop fighting over small things. I genuinely want to change my reactions too. But I’m scared that even if I become better at regulating myself, I will still feel emotionally neglected because our needs for communication and closeness are very different.

So I’m confused about where the problem actually lies.

How do I know what is my anxious attachment and what is a genuine unmet need in the relationship? Am I asking for a reasonable amount of communication and reassurance from a partner, or am I expecting too much because of my anxiety? And how can I break this cycle without constantly suppressing my needs or constantly pursuing him?

I would really appreciate advice from people who have actually worked through anxious attachment, especially if you’ve been in a relationship where your partner had a much lower need for communication than you did.

I am 21F dating 24M, we both are mbbs students, he is a inter doctor. I am i currently studying. Everything else is fine in our relationship, just one thing is disturbing me and that is he rarely makes me his priority.

We live very close but not together, we live in opposite buildings. I ask him to meet me daily, he was doing it but it is the last thing in his day, he comes but only for 10-20min but I want him to spend atleast a hour with me, like we used to do at start of relationship. He could adjust his schedule, it is very easy for him but he never does. He choose going to gym at that time, but his gym time could be adjusted, he doesn't that when going out with his friends. But for me, it never happens. And I feel frustrated, unimportant not a priority, so I always keep bringing up the issue, and even when everything is going well sometimes out of nowhere I get some point and fight over small things. So when I ask him for more time he say you always keep fighting, I have to always be emotional to be with you, you never take joke as a joke, so I prefer being with you for less time 😕.

What can be the solution for this, we love each other and neither of us is ready to leave.

I am 20F and I am dating 24M.

My boyfriend is very practical and has always been like that, it's been 1 year together. I am very clingy and needy, I have always been flexible and never with boundaries. But he stays in his, he spends proper time with me. But sometimes I need more and then he is like no that's my time, even though it is just about watching reels on instagram. I know I don't have anything important to talk but I just feel like I want to talk with him be close to him, But he is like i am free but not currently available to talk. He thinks like if we spent good time together then why should I again do texting and calls.

Is it ok?

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And one more I am not able to keep my boundaries. I always adjust myself according to him not because he forces me, just because I like being with him so I do everything possible to be with him.

I really need emotional support because I am suffering from severe anxious attachment. I can't ask my boyfriend for emotional support because it is pushing him away from me. I understand he has world too and I don't want to pressurise him. But I need support too. I am not able to handle my emotions. I need someone to help me regulate them

I am 20F , dating 23M since one year. We both are medical student, currently I am in 2nd year, and he is final year student done with his final exams. We got into relationship one year back, we both were into each other but I was more involved than him, i had to try 1 month to get in relationship with him. From very start I knew he is social person and likes being with his friends and people. And I am totally opposite, introvert don’t get with people easily. At first everything was going fine, we used to meet daily, talk daily but as his exams were near by he got busy, he told me at start of relationship only that there will be problem with time but I was okay at that time, he never forced me to get physically close, I was the one more interested and always made first move, but as time passed he got more busy, due to exam, due to family problem, he is the only child and his father passed away when he was just 13yrs so he also has to look after his mom, his mom is also very old like in 60s. During his final year university exam I used to fight because he didn’t gave me time but still he use to make time and meet me once in 2-3 days. After exam he went home immediately because his mother was sick and there was no one to look after her, but that created distance between us we were not able to talk daily and this caused anxiety in me. After that his practical exams and after exam he was free for 3 days he used to call me everyday after waking up, and picked my calls even during exam. I didn’t talk much just 2-3min and done. But after 3 days he went on trip, and after going on trip I felt ignored. Yes he picks my calls, but never text or call on his own, my messages are left unseen and i see him posting on insta and all. I asked he says he is with his friends, can’t check messages in front of them, he becomes tired so forgets to text and call, avoid long messages so that there won’t be conflict between us. But long messages are just about how insecure and ignored I feel. He said he brought gift for me from the trip. We were going to meet 2 days after as I was going to hostel from summer break and he was also returning from trip but he said he needs to go home, his mother is calling and also has some property work and needs to finish it before internship starts, he said he will visit me while going home but I don’t know if he will really come or not. I asked him out of anger do you even want this relationship he said yes. But he didn’t make effort to wait for me so that we will meet, it’s been 2 months now. What do you think