r/relationship_thoughts

My boyfriend (30M) and I (28F) have been officially together for 3.5 years. We're currently on a trip visiting different states on the East Coast for his birthday, and I'm sitting alone in our hotel lobby trying not to cry. I genuinely don't know what to do anymore.

Today, we got into a huge argument over something so ridiculously small that I'm almost embarrassed to write about it: bamboo shoots in ramen.

We were eating at a ramen restaurant, having what I thought was a perfectly nice meal, when he got genuinely upset because I didn't want to eat the bamboo shoots in my ramen. He told me I HAD to eat them. I told him I'm allowed to dislike certain foods, and he proceeded to tell me I was acting like a picky 7-year-old child.

Mind you, I wasn't complaining about the food. I wasn't throwing a tantrum or demanding we eat somewhere else. I was happily eating my ramen and everything else we'd ordered. I just didn't want the bamboo shoots. That's literally it.

I told him he was being ridiculous for turning something so insignificant into an argument. He got upset, asked for the check, and decided we were leaving.

He then gave me the silent treatment for the next FIVE HOURS.

When we got back to the hotel, he decided to nap on the couch instead of lying next to me. Later, he reheated his leftover ramen and ate without asking whether I wanted anything. I was hungry, so I got ready to go grab some food.

He asked where I was going, and when I told him, he said I wasn't leaving because it was dangerous outside. He told me we still had leftover rice and egg from the restaurant and that I should eat that instead.

At this point, I was exhausted and didn't want another argument, so I agreed. But when I packed up the leftovers and said I was going to eat downstairs in the hotel lobby because I wanted some space, he started telling me not to go.

He kept saying, "I'm telling you not to leave."

And somehow, we ended up arguing about the bamboo shoots AGAIN.

He brought up the fact that I used to eat them before, but stopped after my brother made a comment about their weird taste. And yes, my brother did make that comment, but the truth is I never particularly liked bamboo shoots anyway. Sometimes I'd eat them, sometimes I wouldn't. I've even eaten them since my brother's comment. I simply didn't feel like eating them today.

I don't understand why I have to defend something as trivial as my food preferences.

Anyway, I walked out of the room while he was still telling me not to leave. He immediately called me and continued arguing over the phone.

At this point, I was just DONE.

I told him I've repeatedly expressed how controlling he can be, and that today it's bamboo shoots, but tomorrow it'll be something much more important. I told him I don't deserve to be called childish simply because I don't want to eat something, especially when I wasn't causing any problems to begin with.

I also told him I thought he was being disrespectful and insensitive.

That's when he started turning everything around on me.

He told me this was supposed to be HIS birthday trip, that he takes good care of me, that he's been doing all the driving so I can rest, and that I've been mistreating him.

Now, I completely understand that this trip is for his birthday. I've been asking him what HE wants to do, where HE wants to eat, and what places HE wants to visit. I've also been paying for a lot of things. I've genuinely been trying to make this a nice experience for him.

So I asked him how exactly I'd been mistreating him.

His examples?

Apparently, I told him his feet smelled bad (which they did), and I mentioned it because I was concerned he might have some sort of fungal infection. He also said I've been cranky because I haven't been sleeping well.

I'll admit that I'm not the happiest person when I'm sleep-deprived. I can be irritable. But to say I've been mistreating him because of these things honestly infuriated me.

Then he brought up how he's suicidal.

For context, he's been going through some serious legal issues for the past 2.5 years. I've stood by him through all of it. I've supported him emotionally, been there when he needed me, and tried to be understanding of everything he's going through.

I know he's struggling, and I don't want to minimize that. But he's brought up being suicidal during arguments before, and I genuinely don't know how to respond anymore.

I've told him multiple times that if he's feeling suicidal, I will help him get professional help. I told him the same thing today, and he said he doesn't need help.

He then told me that he's already going through so much and that I need to stop fighting with him because I'm making his situation worse.

But I wasn't trying to fight with him! I was literally just eating ramen!

At that point, I told him that if we couldn't get along, maybe we should cancel the rest of the trip and go home.

He kept asking, "Is that what YOU want?"

And I felt like he was trying to make me responsible for ruining his birthday trip, even though I wasn't the one who started the argument.

Eventually, I got so frustrated that I said yes, if this is how he's going to continue acting, I'd rather go home.

I hung up.

He called back and told me to come upstairs and get my stuff.

But I know him, and I know how these situations tend to go. So I told him that once he'd finished packing and come downstairs, I'd go upstairs alone to collect my belongings.

He kept insisting I come up, saying we needed to figure out my return flight. I told him we could discuss flights in the lobby and that I was perfectly capable of booking my own ticket home if necessary.

And that's where things stand right now.

Here's the thing, though. This isn't an isolated incident.

He's been controlling for years.

He's told me I can't wear crop tops. He's tried to dictate how I spend my own money. He once got incredibly angry at Disneyland because I was too scared to ride the Incredicoaster. I'm talking angry enough that he wanted to leave the park.

One of the worst incidents was when he got upset because I didn't want to take hormonal birth control. He deliberately ejaculated inside me to prove a point and then left me crying alone in the bathroom.

He's since apologized for that, and I will say some things have improved. But the controlling behavior has never really gone away.

And what makes this even harder is that I've tried breaking up with him multiple times before.

But he just won't accept it.

He'll repeatedly call me, show up at my house, and sometimes physically block the bedroom door when I'm trying to leave. Once, I threatened to call the police because he wouldn't let me go, and he got so scared that I ended up feeling terrible about it.

I know how that sounds. Believe me, I do.

But for some reason, I just can't seem to let him go.

I love him. We've shared so much together. There are good moments, and he can be incredibly caring and generous. That's part of what makes this so confusing. Sometimes he makes me feel like I'm genuinely the problem, and I start questioning whether I'm overreacting or being unfair to him.

I know I'm not perfect. I get cranky when I'm tired, I can be stubborn, and sometimes I say things out of frustration. But I don't think that justifies being treated this way.

I'm so tired of feeling like I have to defend every little decision I make.

I'm tired of arguments that start over nothing and somehow end with me feeling guilty.

And I'm tired of feeling responsible for his emotional well-being at the expense of my own.

I've never posted anything like this before. I don't even really know what I'm hoping to get out of writing all this. Maybe I just need to hear from people who have experienced something similar.

My question is: How do you actually leave a relationship when your partner repeatedly refuses to accept the breakup, and how do you stop second-guessing yourself when they make you feel responsible for everything?

And for anyone who's been in a relationship with a controlling partner, what helped you finally follow through with leaving?

I'm still sitting in the hotel lobby, I've completely lost my appetite, and I honestly feel like crying. He won't leave the room, and I don't know what to do next.

I'd really appreciate some advice or even just a little compassion right now.
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TL;DR: My boyfriend (30M) and I (28F) have been together for 3.5 years. We're on a birthday trip for him, and he got genuinely angry because I wouldn't eat the bamboo shoots in my ramen. He called me childish, gave me the silent treatment for five hours, and later tried to stop me from leaving our hotel room to get food or even sit alone in the lobby. This isn't new. He's been controlling about my clothes, money, birth control, and even amusement park rides. He's also physically blocked me from leaving during past arguments and refuses to accept breakups. Whenever I stand up for myself, he makes me feel guilty, brings up everything he's done for me, or mentions being suicidal. I've tried leaving multiple times, but I always end up staying. I'm currently sitting alone in the hotel lobby, exhausted and questioning myself. How do I finally leave someone who won't accept a breakup, and how do I stop feeling guilty for wanting out?
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Regarding use of AI - guys IM SORRY yes i did use AI to help clarify my post. I was crying and word vomiting so much that the end result was very messy and not easily readable. I used AI to shorten the post ( i know, its already very long) and to fix typos and make it more digestible. I didnt know the community hated AI that much. i have never posted anything like this before. if i know it triggered yall so much i would have just taken the extra time to fix my original wording but i was desperate for advice already.

everything here is true. this is my story. i used AI to clean it up. thats all. im sorry. I just wanted some compassion atm. that is all. thank you to all who have replied with their advice, it is much appreciated.

My boyfriend (28M) and I (25F) have been in what I genuinely considered an incredibly happy and healthy relationship for around a year. We rarely argue (we tend to have honest conversations rather than fights), communicate well (or so I thought), are affectionate, and have always talked about a future together.

Until last week, I had absolutely no reason to believe anything was wrong.

Throughout the past three weeks, he was still telling me he loved me, making plans for our future, talking about wanting to live together, spending time with both of our families, and inviting me to hang out with his friends. He had also recently planned a really thoughtful birthday trip for us. There was no pulling away, no change in affection, no unusual behavior. Nothing.

Then, completely out of nowhere, he came over and told me he’d been feeling differently about me for approximately three weeks.

I was completely blindsided.

When I asked him what he meant by “feeling differently,” he genuinely couldn’t explain it. He kept telling me how much he loves and cares about me, that I’m everything he’s always wanted in a partner, and that he doesn’t understand why he’s feeling this way.

As we talked, it became apparent that he’s been feeling overwhelmed in general and has started experiencing certain aspects of being in a relationship as obligations. He’s been incredibly stressed with work, has had very little personal time, and seems to be struggling to distinguish whether his feelings toward me have actually changed or whether he’s simply overwhelmed.

I also pointed out that he has a tendency to deal with difficult emotions by withdrawing or removing himself from situations rather than working through them. In the past, this has sometimes meant making major life changes, including moving abroad. He later told me that our conversation had opened his eyes to things he already knew deep down, and that he also believed breaking up wasn’t necessarily the answer.

He asked for two weeks of no contact to figure out what he’s actually feeling, without outside pressure, and hopefully come back with some clarity and a plan for moving forward.

I agreed, although it’s been incredibly painful.

What I’m struggling with most is how someone can go from being so loving, affectionate, and actively planning a future with you to suddenly questioning the relationship, seemingly overnight.

I understand that two people can experience the same relationship differently, but I genuinely cannot emphasize enough how normal and happy everything seemed, right up until the day he brought this up.

I love him deeply, and I’m willing to work through whatever is going on, but I also know I can’t do that alone. If we stay together, rebuilding my sense of security and trust will be a big part of that.

There are a couple of things I’d like to add for context:

- We met at work about three years ago. He left before we ever started dating, but we became really close friends long before anything romantic developed between us. I mention this because our relationship was built on a genuine friendship, and I feel like I know him very well, beyond just the romantic side of our relationship.

- Although we no longer work together, we’re both -
lawyers in a very niche field, so I genuinely understand the kind of stress and pressure he’s under. I’ve experienced a lot of it myself, which is partly why I believe his work-related stress could be affecting how he’s processing his emotions.

I know it’s possible for someone to struggle internally without showing any outward signs, but that’s what makes this so difficult for me to understand. I wasn’t overlooking red flags or ignoring changes in his behavior. There genuinely weren’t any that I could see.

What I’m looking for advice on:

I’m trying to figure out how to approach our conversation after these two weeks apart in a healthy and constructive way.

For those who have experienced a similar situation, what helped you understand whether the emotional disconnect was temporary or reflected a deeper change in feelings?

What specific steps helped you and your partner rebuild emotional security and trust after a period of uncertainty?

I’m particularly interested in practical advice on how to communicate my feelings without making him feel pressured, while also making sure my own emotional needs are acknowledged.

TL;DR: My boyfriend of approximately one year recently told me he’s been feeling emotionally disconnected for three weeks, despite continuing to express love, affection, and excitement about our future. He isn’t sure whether his feelings have changed or whether stress and emotional overwhelm are affecting his perception of our relationship. We’re taking two weeks of space before discussing what comes next. I’m looking for practical advice on navigating that conversation and rebuilding trust if we both decide to continue.

Basically, my boyfriend recently lost his job and is in the process of finding a new one…

Context: We’ve been together for a looooong time now; we know how to push each others buttons, we know how we would like to be supported, we are both human and both make mistakes but we are generally very good at being a well-functioning couple (for the most part) and we love each other very much. I am very much so in love with this man and he makes me very happy, but on the flip side, when we aren’t meshing well together, it fucking hurts.

He is very very blunt. He often says things without thinking about how it will affect me or others and I am close to being the opposite. I am an over-thinker, I will often put other people’s feelings above mine or I at least will hold back when I know what I’m really thinking will probably sting them and it’s just not worth it, ect. I actually look up to him in that way, the fact that most of the time he can just say whatever he is feeling without thinking about it first.

I think we have actually learned a lot from each other over the past couple of years; I can lately be a bit more blunt or actually come out and say what I’m wanting to really say because I’m developing more of an idgaf attitude (especially at work) and he is starting to be able to take it down a few notches with me and hold back some potentially hurtful things he is really wanting to say.. idk if that’s why things lately seem to hurt me so much more because it’s kind of like, well we’ve come such a long way, why are you backtracking now? We’re supposed to be on the same team, on the same side, ect. I also don’t want him to feel like he “can’t say anything he’s wanting to”, but I would like him to treat me like his girlfriend, be sweeter, be nicer; not treat me like his best guy friend who is just as rude back to him… I guess not “rude”, but like, they have the same kind of shit-talking banter that goes back and forth and I want to be his person, someone he holds to a higher regard in a sense because he cares about my feelings and cares about how he’s affecting me, not because he feels like he needs to hold back or edit what he’s saying, but because he wants to protect me and my feelings.

We also joke around a LOT. He makes me laugh every day, and vice versa. It’s one of the reasons why I fell for him so hard, he’s just so fucking funny and charming. We can both be very sarcastic, but my jokes always come with a smile, a laugh.. His can be more direct and harsh but I love that kind of humor anyways so I have no complaints about that. We just mesh very well together, and when we are on, we are so on.

(I’m sorry if I’m going on and on about us but I’m also kind of sussing this out for myself as I type this out and I’m pretty frustrated right now)

Anywhooooo…. Basically we were outside with our friend (mostly his long time friend, they’ve been friends forever, since high school and coworkers and roommates together) and he’s talking about how he needs a new truck and a new camper and all this stuff, ect.

My boyfriend then says “Yeah, I need a new truck too… well..”

At this point I literally just thought I was finishing his sentence and I said “But ya need a new job first”

And mind you all- we are very fortunate to be in a situation where we are not hurting at all from lack of funds, I have a very good stable job that allows me to also work overtime here and there and our rent is cheap and bills aren’t too bad, we don’t have children to look after… We are completely fine in that regard, he’s only lost his job just barely two weeks ago, he was able to still get a paycheck and has one more on the way so we haven’t really even gotten into the territory of pinching penny’s or scrounging at all yet… He is also well past the point of making jokes about the entire situation himself; yes it does suck and is super unfortunate, but he/we have already made jokes about it and he’s been applying and interviewing for new ones straight away.

Me saying that was not a jab at him AT ALL, I literally felt like I was finishing his sentence, it felt like he was about to say that, he said “well..” and lifted his eyebrows and I lifted mine back and said that because it was what was in the air, I was catching what he was putting down. I’m just frustrated because I did not feel like I was diminishing him, or making fun of him, I was literally just “stating the facts” which btw, is something he LOVES to say… “Facts over feelings” type shit. He is constantly saying that about the world, that everyone is putting their feelings first over facts, ect. It’s the type of thing where I just feel like he can never really take what he dishes out… I’m just simply stating the fact.

So he looks at me, and in front of our friend he says,
“Or maybe I just need a new girlfriend”

It felt very out of left field, very unnecessary, a bit rude and not equal at all to what I had said. This coming from Mr. Facts-Over-Feelings had just rattled me. I laughed it off, play hit him a few times because it was in front of our friend, I think I might’ve been like, “ugh, rude!” And he almost doubled down and said something like, “you know, one that cooks and cleans”

Which, I am the first to admit that I am slightly failing in both of those areas but I also just worked an 11 hr shift yesterday, I’m on my period, (so maybe that’s why I’m hyper sensitive right now as well??) and I’m fucking tired, okay?! He has been picking up the slack because, you know, he doesn’t have a 9-5 right now, so he made ramen and then burgers the other night, did some laundry and dishes and things but hasn’t fully taken those duties over… he has also been playing video games from the couch every day I come home from work the last few days and I haven’t said SHIT about it (other than making a joke about how he should obviously be greeting me at the door when I arrive home from work but in a completely funny and silly way, not in a serious jabby kind of way, but in a like duhhh you should be at the door grabbing my bag and giving me a kiss because you are just on the couch playing video games kind of a way) I want him to be happy and have an outlet and be able to still do fun things because I am not worried about him finding another job atm. I want him to enjoy that.

We came back inside and I of course started over thinking EVERYTHING. I got super quiet, I didn’t know if I wanted to make a big deal out of it or not but I absolutely hate that he would make a joke like that. It is so rude and feels very disrespectful to me and our relationship.

I don’t ever EVER make jokes about “finding a new man” or “finding someone who will treat me right” or “finding someone who will be able to take care of my emotions better” because I feel like that’s a fucked thing to say to someone. It just made me super sad and really bummed out..

He of course could sense that and he apologized to me but he said something like, “I’m sorry for being rude” or later when I mentioned it made me sad he just said “You really struck a nerve and I’m sorry I was rude” or something along those lines, I wish I remembered exactly how he apologized but I do remember that he never once said anything like he wishes he could take it back or that he didn’t mean it at all. I think that’s what is sticking with me the most. Like, yeah, thanks for apologizing but you haven’t really told me it was something you didn’t mean. I was literally just stating a fact, which is something he ALWAYS says… and to come back at my fact with his feelings just fucks me so sideways because he is always having a problem with me when I do that, when I ‘respond to facts with feelings’. I just don’t think he sees how hypocritical he’s being.

Another thing; I’ve been quiet all night. I haven’t been giving him anything to work with really… I guess he knows he’s “in the dog house” so to speak.. I had been previously begging him to watch a movie with me for a while now, a specific movie that I had just bought on DVD and we still hadn’t gotten around to watching it… we got back from a quiet car ride, quiet dinner at Culver’s (because I’m on my fucking period and I just wanted a butter burger) & a quiet car ride back… He starts playing his video games again (which is fine.) while I am writing things out on my desk and doing other little things… I walk by him and he asks if I want to watch the DVD and I say “Nah.” He later says he was getting a headache and stopped playing because of it and asks, “Are you suuure you don’t want to watch that?” I said “I’m good”. And idk why, this pissed me off even more… You’re just trying to appease me now that you know I’m in a bad mood and you put me there? Instead of just dealing with the consequences of your own actions, you’re basically just trying to shut me up with something that I really love and have really been looking forward to. Like, no. I don’t want to go into that in a terrible fucking mood. I’m really looking forward to him finally watching one of my all-time favorite movies and I’m not going to start it on a night like this.

Other important things to mention: we are both in our early 30’s and have been together for about 9 years.

Thanks to anyone who actually took the time to read out my massive novel… sometimes it just helps me to get it all out there and I appreciate you all!

Am I overreacting?? Should I just let it go and bury it and not mention it again? Is this an overreaction? Am I overreacting???

My boyfriend and I met while studying abroad, and we've been together for about 6 months. These have genuinely been some of the happiest months of my life.

Although we're currently long-distance (Germany and the US), we lived together in the dorms for 2 months, and he later visited me in Hawaii for another month, staying with my family.

He's genuinely one of the most caring, thoughtful, and selfless people I've met. We have what I consider a very healthy relationship. We communicate openly, share similar love languages, and handle disagreements without yelling or insulting each other. Even during our biggest disagreement, we took time to process our feelings, talked things through, and worked toward solutions. He took accountability and has been following through on his promises.

Our biggest problem isn't our relationship. It's our future.

He's German, and I'm American, living in Hawaii. Ideally, we'd like to close the distance in about 2 years, after I graduate and we've both gained some work experience.

However, moving here would require him to sacrifice quite a lot.

He comes from an upper-middle-class family and has promising career opportunities in Germany, including internships in private equity and investment banking. Financially and professionally, staying in Germany would be the safer decision.

However, he's repeatedly told me that he's unhappy living in Germany. His bachelor's years were some of the worst years of his life, and he's wanted to leave the country regardless of our relationship.

The biggest concern is his family. His parents strongly oppose him leaving Germany, especially for the US. There's a possibility they could disown him or withdraw their financial support. He loves his parents, but he also believes this is his life to live.

My parents, on the other hand, are incredibly supportive of us and would be willing to help financially if necessary.

We've also discussed the financial reality of living in Hawaii. It's extremely expensive, and career opportunities in his field are limited compared to Germany. We both grew up in financially comfortable households and never really had to worry about money or strictly budget. If we started a life together, we'd likely have to live quite frugally and give up many comforts we're accustomed to.

Neither of us has experienced that kind of financial pressure before, and we worry about how it might affect our relationship.

Personally, I believe we're young enough to build financial stability together. I don't expect us to maintain the lifestyles we grew up with immediately, and I'm willing to make sacrifices while we establish ourselves.

Here's where we're struggling.

We've recently been discussing whether we should continue our relationship or separate while we still love each other, knowing how difficult closing the distance could be.

I personally don't want to break up. We're genuinely happy together, and I feel like we're trying to make a permanent decision about a future that hasn't even happened yet. A lot could change in 2 years. We could save money, gain work experience, and discover opportunities we haven't considered.

However, I understand his fear of investing another 2 years into our relationship only to realize that the sacrifices are too great. I also don't want to be the reason he loses his family or gives up a promising career.

I guess my questions are:

1. Would you continue a loving, healthy relationship knowing that closing the distance could require major sacrifices?
2. For those who moved abroad for love, did you regret sacrificing career opportunities or financial stability?
3. If your parents opposed your move, did your relationship with them eventually improve?
4. For couples who went from financially comfortable lifestyles to living frugally, how did it affect your relationship?
5. Would you give the relationship more time or separate early knowing how uncertain the future is?

Neither of us wants to break up because we're unhappy together. It's everything surrounding our relationship that's making us question whether we should continue.

Are we being naive for believing we can build a future together, or would we be giving up on something genuinely good too early?

I'd especially appreciate hearing from people who have navigated international relationships, immigration, financial sacrifices, or family opposition.

So me (18F) and this guy ('20M') have been friends online for about 2 months. We met and just hit it off. He likes me, and is genuinely sweet and caring. And I was sure that I did like him.

But I told him that, even though it sounds shallow, I cant be with someone I haven't seen because looks do matter somewhat to to me.

When I say that, its not a deal breaker necessarily. But its a factor of attraction to me. So he send me a photo of himself, and dont get me wrong he looks ok. But definitely not my type or anything. And now I feel like an asshole cause I think it might just be the deal breaker for me.

This literally just happened. I’ll try to explain it as clearly as possible but I think I just ruined the best thing in my life.

For context, we had a deep talk around May about how she was unhappy with my actions and that she was unhappy that I didn’t do enough with her. She stated she wanted to go out and do more with me besides hanging out in our places or going to grab dinner, which we did a lot and was our main hangouts. I saw her point of view and I started going to things more with her but at some point I dropped the ball and just stopped and eventually reverted back to hangouts where we just hung out, watched some movies and or got dinner. Which leads me to today & the argument we got in yesterday.

We got into an argument yesterday because we agreed to hangout around 4:30 after she got off work and got ready, I had been ready for a while and accidentally fell asleep around 3:30 and I woke up at about 5. This turned into an argument over text and instead of either of us meeting in person to talk about it, for some reason we just kept talking over text an it just made the argument so bad. Bad as in not much was solved, not that we were at each other’s throats. Part of it was spurred because she told me she wanted to go for a hike that day, which I agreed to but said we should think of some other things to do first because I had a going away party for one of my friends and had to leave and I wanted the maximum amount of time w her (If we went on the hike I’d have to shower). So eventually this turned into her saying she wanted some space and that she didn’t want to talk about this anymore til tomorrow. So now comes today.

Today we had a talk and she started being weird towards the back half of the argument and eventually after asking a few times what’s up I asked her if she felt like this could still work and she said “I don’t know”. We cried a bunch and talked it out and she basically said she decided then and there she probably wanted to break up. She never outright said it but when I was asking certain questions like the one if we could still work she started shifting to a “I don’t think so” and said stuff like “I just don’t think it’s healthy for either of us”. I told her to just think about it and that we would work out and I loved her deeply and she said she also loved me so much but didn’t say anything to me saying stuff about how I know it’ll be okay. I told her to take all the time she needs and that whatever she decides, that I’ll be there for her and I love her no matter what, she’s the love of my life and I’ll support any decision she makes because I just want her to be happy & healthy. Also we talked about what we could do better and she kinda said something along the lines of “I just don’t trust that you’ll do those things”.

Obviously I’m leaving out parts of the conversations where she did wrong and we talked that out, so I might come off as a bit of an asshole but that’s not important because I just wanted to put everything she said out there.

The advice I’m asking for is, what the hell do I do now? She’s still in contact with me, as we texted twice since it happened (happened about 2/3 hours ago) but it’s obvious she’s not gonna be on her phone a lot for the rest of the night. It’s been 4 years and we met in high school (I’m 22 and she’s 20). She is everything to me and I don’t know what to do or what to say to her to make her feel better about this. If there’s anything I could say or do to talk it out more with her or have her take what she didn’t outright say but still said back I’d do it. I shit the bed here because I’m too stupid and didn’t keep up with what we talked about last time and I’m just at such a loss. Please help me out, wtf do I do?

I (25M) have been dating my gf (24F) for almost 8 months. I love her very much and she loves me. We have really poured a lot into each other in this time. I think our relationship is in jeopardy and I need advice

A few months in, I confronted her after she exhibited some rude drunken behavior toward me. She apologized, owned up, and confessed to some ongoing issues with drinking. We set no clear goals but I forgave her and moved on.

She floated ideas like total sobriety, very light drinking, or just taking a break. Nothing with conviction. A few months later she confessed a nervous drink she had, I understood and forgave as well.

Despite having never set true clear terms, been an understanding between us that she was not drinking. The other night she texted me and asked how I’d feel if she had a cocktail with her friends at dinner. I said that sounded reasonable and thanked her for honesty. Then she confessed a handful of other occasions in which she had been drinking. It felt like by not having told me she was lying.

I told her I needed time to think before we spoke about this. That night she shared her location with me in the interest of reintroducing total transparency in the relationship. I couldn’t sleep all night and checked for the hell of it. She was at some bar, which i thought was fine. Until I asked her the next morning about her night- she did not mention it. Then she confessed she did molly.

I love her so much and I don’t believe her actions to be malicious but I just can’t seem to trust her anymore. Do I end things? I am open to continuing the relationship, how could I manage that or rebuild trust with her?

TLDR: her occasional secret drinking has degraded my trust in my gf despite my deep love for her. I am hurting and would love some advice from folks who have been in my position.

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I'm 30M, and my girlfriend, 27F, has BPD and has struggled with maintaining stability in various areas of her life, so our 3-1/2-year relationship has been difficult at times. I have anxious attachment, low self-esteem and jealousy issues, and I'm working through these, but I can spiral badly when I feel threatened or insecure. Recently, she said that once things are better between us, she'd like to expand her social circle and make more friends, including men. I'm fine with friendships that develop organically through work or shared interests, but I feel uncomfortable with the idea of deliberately seeking male friends, even though I wouldn't feel the same way about her seeking female friends. I recognise that my insecurity may be influencing my reaction, but I'm struggling to understand whether my discomfort reflects a reasonable relationship boundary, anxious attachment, or something I need to work on. I've almost made up my mind to end the relationship, partly because I'm afraid my insecurities will continue to hurt us both, but I'm wondering whether I'm making the right decision or reacting out of fear.

TL;DR: My girlfriend has BPD, and I have anxious attachment and jealousy issues. I'm fine with her organically becoming friends with men, but uncomfortable with her actively seeking male friendships, despite being fine with her seeking female friends.

Should I leave my boyfriend? Hi guys! I’m new to Reddit and I don’t know where else to go. This post is going to focus on the problems in our relationship but outside of these he has been lovely. We have only been on one date and I do sleep over at his daily and spend majority of my time with him. However he has never yelled at me, called me out of my name, or been mean to me. He is sweet but i genuinely don’t know what to do. So for a bit of backstory we have not been dating long. We were talking for about 3 weeks, I was going over to his dorm, sleeping over (in the same bed and letting him hold me ) and we even kissed before I was his girlfriend. He asked me to be his girlfriend a week ago and I obviously said yes. I personally believe he asked me because he had been acting weird, I ignored him and had a good time the following day, knowing that he had seen me and my friends. Besides that we have been having issues already. The first one being that his reposts on TikTok were very weird. There were some pertaining to being happily single, “fumbling” someone and how he will always feel bad about it/sorry about it. Admittedly it takes a bit for me to open up but upon seeing these, I was upset and confused. Before I could bring the issue to him, I went back to his profile and the reposts had been removed, so to me that was confirmation that he knew it was wrong. We discussed the issue and he said he had reposted it because in the moment it “felt relatable/real or like something he should repost”. The following day things were still off but we quickly talked in person and he said he trying to learn how to love a woman right and be in a healthy relationship. For further context his previous relationship was about a year long, he is White and I am mixed (Black, white, Hispanic) he also told meI am the first black girl he has ever dated/talked to. He did reassure me and tell me that I’m not just an experiment or something. The second issue was when I was walking to class and he was walking from class. I had an exam to get to but i stopped to talk to him though he was with his friends. He didn’t kiss or even touch me and proceeded to call me bro. I kept my composure and kept the conversation short. He did ask if I wanted to go somewhere with them and I declined and used the exam as an excuse. We again talked later and he said he didn’t know how to approach me because the relationship was new and he calls everyone bro. The next issue started last night. He opened his phone and I saw that he had me labeled as my name with the hand heart emojis,I jokingly said “wow so I’m just (my name) to you” and he said that he doesn’t have any emojis next to anyone’s name or have them saved as any but their name which is untrue because I’ve seen the contacts in his phone. However in an attempt to (I presume) lighten the mood he (in front of me) changed my name to “my GF (my name)” with the same emoji. I told him he wasn’t funny and that it’s deeper than “just a name”. He proceeded to shut me down. After that, while we were laying in bed I know it’s wrong but I thought about how my (very toxic and horrible) ex also had to be talked to multiple times before changing it and started to compare similarities between the two. I also told him we would talk in the morning because I wanted to sleep on it (to see if I was just being dramatic) and I still felt the same in the morning. Spoiler alert:I did. His friends from back home drove in today so I already knew I wouldn’t be seeing him today. I also ended up leaving early because he wanted to start getting ready because his friends were on the way to come see him. I did talk to him about it later and he claimed to have changed my contact name in front of me to something different (I don’t remember this) but he also said that it is that deep to him. So that brings me to the most recent issue. These friends that drove to come see him, he refers to them as his family. As far as I know, there are two girls apart of this group and he calls them his sisters. For context, a few days ago I told him he should put his hair in a ponytail because it’s gotten long, he made a face, laughed it off and said he would never do that. Last night we made plans to go somewhere next weekend that neither of us had been, just me and him. Well today, he not only went with his friends, but I checked his instagram story and it was a video someone else had taken of him and in the video someone had put his hair into a ponytail. He clearly had no clue the video was being taken, he was caught in a separate conversation with another one of his friends laughing. On top of all this, it was understood that I would not be sleeping over at his dorm because his friends were supposed to be sleeping there. He in fact is sleeping at a hotel with his friends about an hour away and texted me goodnight though he is still active on all social media. I don’t know if anyone will see this but though he has been lovely and has even told me he loves me and has never felt this way about anyone I can’t help but to think that if there’s problems this soon into the relationship…is that a sign?

Hi guys, hope to find you all good, and thanks in advance for every one that’s gonna spend time to read this and maybe reply….
i start whit saying, i’m 22 living with my gf from almost 3 years, i moved in this nordic country from italy, where we are living now 3 years ago, and i meet my girlfriend not so much time after i moved. I’m the type of guy that’s keep the sunshine in the pocket and with that i mean i love making happy my family, my friends, colleagues ecc… let people smile even if i been in tough situations in my life, growing up without father, and barely seeing my mom, because she had 4 works, and at 7 yo i had the responsibility of all. Now we get back to the relationship, i’m the one working in the house, she don’t work. she has problem with “adhd” and she wants to work whit what she likes and she say that is not in this country we living rn, it’s gonna be in warm place.. i said okay, i love her, i pay more then half of the rent because i’m in a city and is the most expensive of europe and i did it because i liked and also for have better future, that in italy i couldn’t have, btw after paying the rent that is half of my salary, i help my mom she’s alone and my siblings they are not helping her even if she has healt problem, after all that i can’t do anything else like buy clothes , go out for a travel ecc… fuck that because i love them, my gf also whant her space and i work 37 h/week after work i come home at around 15/16, i should shower and relax after a working day, but she want to do her stuff, then i leave the home *btw the home has a 2 rooms where i can stay, but she doesn’t feel okay to do her stuff, as preparing food for her, whatching tv ecc…* after i leave the home every day im back at 21:30 when she’s done, and i did it for 3 years almost, okay.. she doesn’t cook for me, she doesn’t talk with me about what i don’t like it’s like getting appointments to talk, sometimes i say we can talk is important and i get “i’m to tyred or we do next week ecc….” we don’t sleep in the same bed because i snor a little and she wake up, but in the night i sleep before her and i go in the bed to try to sleep, when she stay up late watching tv and smoking her joint and eating her snack, when she’s finish around 1/2 she need’s to sleep and she come to wake me up and i need to move to the other room on the sofa, in the beginning we was sleeping togheter, that thing came around half a year of relationship, sometimes if i started to snor in the other room she scream at me in the night, having traumas that’s is killing me, im doing all that for love but idk i want you guys to help to wake me up if i’m not noticing something…

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To preface this is my first post ever so apologies if it isn’t written well. All advice / experiences are welcome.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years now (23F 26M). Many of our friends and family consider us the “poster” couple. We met in college, and since graduation, have found success at a young age by accident. We own multiple rental properties and a business together, and just recently purchased a home on a sizeable amount of land. I have the life I have always dreamed of. My dream home, beginning to make amazing friends locally, and the businesses are taking off.

But i’m beginning to feel he is not my dream man.

Things truly were amazing to begin. Hindsight I believe he was lovebombing me, but i loved the attention and affection. Who wouldn’t? In college, our relationship was amazing and full of life. Post grad, and when “real life” began to set in, things shifted. From what started as two individuals deeply in love has become two individuals who go weeks without a moment of quality time. He began to become motivated. Now before anyone attacks me, I am not saying the motivation is bad. We both are highly ambitious individuals who thrive when given a challenge. However, this motivation seems to come with major personality changes. Lying about other women (both online and in person), constant rudeness and verbal disrespect, and just a plain lack of interest in the relationship have left me feeling utterly emotionally alone and neglected. I have brought this up countless times, to which nothing changes. I have attempted to discuss, rekindle, try harder and carry the weight of all the date planning and quality time, but it always falls on deaf ears.

The biggest difference here is that I am not a stay at home girlfriend with a provider. I work on average 60 hour weeks, on top of school, and taking care of all home responsibilities (cooking, cleaning, laundry). He does not assist in any at-home tasks. This has caused me to just be, beat down.

I am so alone.

I truly thought I had found my forever within this man. Therefore, I am now painfully aware I did not protect my assets nor myself financially as much as I should have. All properties, businesses, my vehicle, and the home are in his name, although I have put all of my earnings into these assets. We are not married, and no paperwork or loans are directly in my name, therefore I have no claim to anything.

If I decide to leave, I lose everything.

The life that I have always dreamt for myself, my friends, my home, my businesses, gone in a blink of an eye.

I guess all of this to say: I need advice. Is there any hope for change, or will they only worsen with time? Is what i’m feeling adulting growing pains, and simply part of adulthood?

Any and all advice is appreciated. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

Me (20F) and my boyfriend (21M) grew up in completely different environments. He has always lived in a slum where he’s been exposed to dealers and drug users. Before we officially got together, I already knew he used to smoke weed, cigarettes, and vape. However, when we met, he had already quit smoking weed and only smoked cigarettes and vaped. He eventually quit smoking cigarettes too, not because I forced him to, but because he knew I didn’t like it.
When we first met, he was head over heels for me. He always wanted us to be together and would choose spending time with me over hanging out with other people. Whenever we fought, he would literally cry and beg me not to leave. Back then, I had a toxic personality and wasn’t the best girlfriend, so I eventually broke up with him. We didn’t talk for around six months. He tried reaching out once, but I said no, and he never contacted me again after that.
After those six months, he reached out to me again. By then, I had worked on myself and felt ready to be in a healthier relationship, so we got back together.
However, when I looked through his phone, I found out that during the time we weren’t together, he had started smoking weed and cigarettes again. I got upset because he never told me about it. Before we got back together, I had even asked him what he had been doing and whether he had returned to his vices, but he told me no.
Despite that, he was still as sweet as before and still loved spending time with me. The difference was that he started disappearing without contacting me, and I would sometimes have to go to his house just to find out what was going on. His personality also seemed to change. He became more easily irritated and started prioritizing smoking with his friends and playing basketball over his responsibilities, even when we had classes the next day.
He can go days without attending class, sometimes even an entire week, just to play basketball and smoke with his friends. He’s already on academic probation, so I’m genuinely worried about what will happen to his future if he continues like this.
Whenever I call him out, we talk about it, and things get better for a while. Sometimes he reassures me, and I believe him because I know he still loves me. But eventually, the same cycle happens again. He goes back to his old habits, neglects his responsibilities, becomes distant, and gets irritated when I bring up my concerns.
One of the hardest parts is that he knows what he’s doing. He admits that he’s aware of his actions and their consequences, but he keeps saying that he can bounce back whenever he wants because he knows what he’s capable of. The problem is that he never actually takes the steps to change.
I know I can’t control his decisions, and I don’t want to be the girlfriend who constantly nags him or tells him what to do. At the same time, it’s hard to sit back and watch someone I love potentially ruin his future when I know he has the ability to do better.

For those who have experienced something similar, how did you handle being in a relationship with someone whose habits and lack of responsibility were affecting their future? How can I support my boyfriend without enabling his behavior or taking responsibility for changes he needs to make himself?

Hello I am a 30M and have been in a 5 year relationship with a 29F. We have now been engaged for almost 2 years now. Having a bit of trouble processing a lot. Need help to differentiate this being cold feet or actual need to pause everything. I will give a full detailed breakdown of what has happened. ADVICE NEEDED.

Well we started dating in 2021 and officially in October of 2021. It was a turbulent first year as I was getting multiple threats from her ex-boyfriend as he was still showing up to her home and her going to see him for time to time to pick up some "weed" since he was a dealer as well. Obviously this bothered me a lot. I asked her time and time again to let this go and her answer had always been that she would deal with it her own way. Throughout this time my parents always had there guard up and told me to reconsider and I kept of defending her. Then 5 to 6 months into our relationship I find out a huge bombshell she was sleeping with another guy when we initially started dating. That individual reached out to me and I confirmed everything. Hurt is an under statement. I drove over to her home and asked to talk and she basically threatened to break up with me if I did not get over it. It was a crazy week and I chose to stay and seek therapy. After that I can honestly say the relationship was pretty smooth for the next 3 or so years I would say. Our biggest fight after that was me liking a few of my friends who are the opposite genders pictures on Instagram. Due to that I completely got off social medias just for her peace of mind.

Now comes to the engagement. I planned out an elaborate beautiful engagement got her the ring of her dreams and asked her to marry me. One of the happiest moments in our lives. On top of that my parents even with all there reservations bought us an apartment to start our lives. We move in and one morning I hear her crying. I am here thinking she is sick or hurting or something happened to an immediate family member but she is crying because the ring I bought her is Lab grown and not natural mined or "blood diamond." When I tell you the air just left my whole body it hurt deep and cut me emotionally. I tried to understand her POV but i could not. She blamed it on her hormones at the end of the day and I let it go. On top of that she had been complaining each and every single day for the next 3 months that we shouldn't have moved in here and bought a house ourselves and that she will not help with the utilities since its under my parents LLC. Reasonable but my parents justification was you must live with a person first before making a huge commitment. I took it upon myself to refurnish the whole place to her liking so it could feel more like "home." Fast forward another couple months and we go out with another couple and my brother and his girlfriend. Drinks are had and when we got home she basically called me some of the nastiest things telling me I am a terrible partner and that I do not put her first and always listen to my parents. Not knowing if I did I would've broken up with her awhile ago. It just hurt me quite a bit again.

Now at this point I am emotionally drained the love is still there but I just cannot wrap my mind around a lot of things. I start realizing that I am avoiding conflict and just appeasing to her to keep the peace so I have a sit down with her. I tell her all things that are wrong and how I am feeling. I tell her calmly and in a constructive way. One thing leads to another and it blows up into a huge fight. She throws her ring on the bed and leaves the apartment and then comes back an hour later apologizing and saying that she does not feel loved and our intimate life has not been the same since after engagement and we move on. During this time she is spot wedding planning, and not involving anyone but her family and giving my family ultimatums to when and how the wedding they are throwing should be (2 different cultures, 2 different weddings).

Then during this time I lose my job and gain a new one. Fully remote at a very prominent company. This is where I make a huge mistake and caused a blunder. I passively told a co-worker over teams that I broke my engagement. Which is an utter lie because I am still engaged to this girl. But nothing else other than that, She saw that exact message and rightfully was furious. Started packing her stuff and almost left again and came back that night. I sat her down and opened up everything. My phone, email, work phone, my work laptop personal laptop to give her the peace of mind that this was an inappropriate comment and that's it. It was a lie and I owned up to it and I told her I will add extra transparency to everything I do. I even left that job completely and had that individual blocked on everything. Then one morning she checks my phone again and finds old messages from 2017/2018 messaging her sorority sisters. (Messages were on my email since I had no socials she went through my email) and she lost it. Spit on me, hit me deleted all our pictures on her socials I thought this was it. It was probably the scariest day of my life . Her reasoning was that I have a pattern of "cheating" my rebuttal was that you were dating another man at that point of your life and you did not know I existed. That made her even more mad. Now for the past year up until now we have been in such a limbo. She has been PUSHING to go to the courthouse and get married but I keep on telling her our conflict resolution is abysmal and we need to work on things and I need total forgiveness before we go into marriage because taking this road will be a road to divorce. I have way more to lose than her in a divorce situation so I need to make sure that these things are checked off. I do love her i really do some days when its good we really do have a good time. But then out of the blue she would check my phone, go through my email and work laptops and verbally abuse me and emotionally play me. I am exhausted, What do I do? How do I go about this? We live together and she has said that if we do break up I owe her a years worth of rent since that if she didn't move in with me her sister and her husband and kids would have never moved into her parents house and that she doesn't have a room in her own home. The guilt I feel is unbearable sometimes.

Me 22 f has been seeing 2 guys. I went to college with both of them and am close to both of them. One guy 22m moved to a different city and the other 22m lives in my area but both of the 22m are too far to have a committed relationship. I like both and I’m interested in them but I don’t know what to do. I have seen them and slept over with them without having been too intimate within the same amount of time . I am living at home and getting ready to take a big test in a few weeks to determine my extra graduate school. I think I am going to let life just see where it goes but am I going to end up with one or the other or none?

We broke up six years ago after 6 years of a very important, deep, visceral, on-again off-again relationship. In short, we loved each other very very much but we both were at the time too toxic, young, jealous to be good and have a peaceful relationship, so we finally decided it was best for us to part ways.

It was not a rough breakup but we haven’t spoken since. A year after our breakup he wrote to me giving condolences for the passing of my father. Some years later, it happened that we saw each other at some local gigs and we said hello, nothing more. Some other times, in the same situations, he saw me but avoided me and didn’t say hello. Strange enough.

I went on with my life and he did too, but people told me that he still has some troubles recovering from our story and hasn’t had another proper relationship in the meanwhile. I did.

The thing is that after so much time I keep dreaming about him a lot lately. Didn’t happen so much in the past years. I dream that he is ok emotionally but not so ok physically, that he is ill, things like that.

This can be because some of our mutual friends have told me that doctors found something in his lungs some months ago and he was waiting for results. I have no updates.

Apart from the fact that I dream about him lately, I would love to see how he is doing in general. I have always hated ”surgical” breakups and cutting all things off.

What do I do?

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I’m looking for perspective from anyone who has been in a similar situation, particularly women who were the partner/fiancée.
My fiancé has a young child from a one-night stand before we met. When she told him she was pregnant, he suggested an abortion because he did not want to have a child under those circumstances. She chose to continue the pregnancy, which obviously was her decision to make. She told him she wanted to do everything on her own, did not want him involved, and blocked him.
He has never met the child and has never had visitation or a relationship with them. Paternity has since been legally established, and he pays court-ordered child support and provides health insurance as required. The mother still does not want him involved, and he has also remained consistent that he does not want to pursue a relationship with the child.
His perspective is that remaining completely out of the child’s life may ultimately be less confusing and painful than coming in and out of it. He has explained that if he isn’t a parental figure from the beginning, the child won’t grow up expecting him to call, visit, show up for holidays, etc. He also feels that it gives the mother and child the opportunity for a clean slate — for her to date, hopefully eventually marry someone who genuinely wants to take on the father role, and potentially have that person adopt the child if that is what everyone wants in the future.
Whether or not that is the “right” way to look at it is something I’m struggling with. The entire situation has been very messy and sad.
What makes this especially difficult for me is that, outside of this situation, my fiancé is a wonderful man. He works extremely hard, treats me well, and has expressed that he wants to continue checking in with me about how I’m feeling because he understands how difficult this has been for me. I don’t recognize the stereotypical “deadbeat dad” description I keep seeing online when I look at the person I know in every other area of his life, which is part of why I’m having such a hard time processing this.
I also had a very firm boundary my entire dating life that I would not date someone who had children. This wasn’t something I knowingly signed up for when we started dating. He found out about the child shortly before we got engaged, so by the time this became part of our reality, I was already deeply invested in our relationship and planning a future with him.
Now I’m trying to figure out what this could realistically mean for our future.
My biggest fear isn’t necessarily the situation as it exists today. It’s that it may not stay this way.
He could change his mind five or ten years from now and decide he wants a relationship with his child. The mother could change her mind. The child could grow up and seek him out independently. I understand that any of those things could happen, and I don’t think anyone can realistically promise me otherwise.
But if that happens after we’re married and have children of our own, it could fundamentally change our family dynamic. I could potentially find myself in a stepmother-type role, dealing with co-parenting dynamics, having the child incorporated into our household and holidays, or navigating how all of this affects our future children.
That’s difficult for me because having a partner with a child was specifically something I had always decided I did not want for my life.
I’ve been reading Reddit posts about fathers who have no contact with their children, and so many of the responses essentially say, “He’s a deadbeat, run.” Those responses have genuinely scared me and made me wonder whether I’m overlooking a huge character red flag because I love him.
At the same time, I feel like the circumstances are more complicated than simply “he abandoned his child.” The mother did not want him involved, blocked him, and wanted to raise the child independently. He did not want to become a father under those circumstances, has respected her desire for no involvement, and is fulfilling his legal and financial obligations.
I’m not trying to convince anyone that his decision is right or wrong. I’m genuinely trying to understand what marrying someone in this situation could mean long-term.
Has anyone actually lived through something similar?
Did your partner remain uninvolved, or did he eventually change his mind? Did the mother or child eventually initiate contact? If your partner did become involved later, how much did it change your marriage and family? Did you end up taking on responsibilities you never expected?
And if you had a hard boundary against dating someone with children before finding yourself in this situation, how did you reconcile that?
I’m not looking to bash my fiancé, the mother, or an innocent child. I’m trying to make a thoughtful decision before marriage because I love this man, but I also don’t want to tell myself that the current arrangement is guaranteed to last forever when realistically it may not.