u/RicktheBull7

I realized after the second discard that my ex of a year and a half is avoidant. She ask many odd questions that I think were getting at deep psychological fears or gauging my boundaries and if she would let me down. I also think she hinted at things going on in her life that were red flags. What are your examples and why do you think they ask the questions or made the statements?

I met a woman a year and a half ago who initially was a casual hookup at a hotel. However, we immediately had chemistry and loved each others’ personalities. She started coming to my place every week for two days, bringing food, even though we were 2.5 hours apart. She asked about if I had either lived with someone and seemed into me. I felt the same about her. She is a single mom with two kids. She kept seeing me but the visits went from weekly two days to every other week or sometimes once a month. I’d also go to her. I told her I loved her at the 8 month mark, and she slowly distanced the rest of last year. I contacted her around the holidays telling her how I felt and she joked it off and said she distanced because she wasn’t sure about logistics and came back.

She has distanced again this year during the summer, so this is part of why I’m asking for help. She started seeing me again start of this year, and she came on Valentine’s Day. She was very emotional and broke down crying and admitted her ex of 4 years had abused her. I comforted her. When we got back together, I had mentioned that while we were apart the first time I searched online and found she had opened a company with a guy. She said it was her ex, and that they were just on friendly terms and it didn’t work for it to be more. I accepted it but was concerned but didn’t say anything. She chose in March after we spent time together at the beach to dissolve the company without telling me. I also didn’t ask her to dissolve it. I noticed back in January she posted her ex had dumped her, so I guess she opened the company last time we were apart. She is now distancing and posting on videos about trauma bonds after I ask if she wanted to meet my mom. She kept talking most of summer like normal but wouldn’t meet. She then became less responsive last month and I also started responding less frequently bc it hurt me. When I did this she said she dreamed about me one week and missed me two other weeks. Now we’re silent after I told her I was giving us both space and that I still thought fondly of her so she feels safe to perhaps come back. I’d like to be with her long term bc I care deeply for her, and I think she does me as well.

She would drive to me, text me 30 times a day, call me, initiate conversations. She’d say I’m intelligent, handsome, and funny. She never would take advantage of me when I’d offer gas money for her driving to me. If I got a hotel, she’d offer to pay half and when I declined she’d buy food next day. She has kept momentos related to me from our trips and one of my shirts. I told her once I loved when she wore her makeup a certain way and she started studying and improving her makeup routine when she was around me. She’s darker complected than me and said she wished she had my skin, and I told her I loved her skin either way but tan is beautiful. She sent me a photo and tanned before coming to see me. These kind of things made me think she really liked me.

Is her behavior consistent with abuse, avoidance, or me being a backup option? How long does it usually take for someone to open up if they’re like this? Is she going to be able to date me if she heals given she met me as she was exiting that situation? What can I do to reduce triggering her and periods of silence? I really need help understanding what might be going on and how to handle it. Thanks, everyone

Hey all, so I’ve dated an avoidant on and off in a situationship for a year and a half. I didn’t realized she was really an avoidant until about a week ago. She had broken contact one time before but she said it was because she was scared the relationship wouldn’t work out due to logistics. She lives two hours away and is a single mom of 2 kids. She would mostly drive to me but I also drove to her and would get a hotel. She never introduced me to her kids or friends but she’d tell me about them and even showed me videos of her kids. I know where she lives and all, but I’ve never been over there.

She is currently going thought finishing college this summer, plus she has both kids all summer. I know she’s busy. I last saw her in May and told her how I felt. She got emotional and said some things like I don’t know what I want. The following two months she text like normal but last month she has started texting next day or a week later. I tried talking to her a little over a week ago on phone, which she agreed to but then made up excuses. It’s been 8 days no contact. The last month, when I didn’t text for a week, she circled back and would send things we like to talk about and say she misses me or dreamed about me.

Did I trigger her or is it the situation? Is she slow fading or still interested if I respect her space? Is this going anywhere or just probably a situationship? I’m not in a hurry at all, but it’s a lot to process and understand.

Hi all,

I met a woman who I have been seeing on and off for a year and a half. She has compartmentalized me where I’ve never met her friends, kids, or been to her home. I wanted her to meet my mom, and she didn’t want to. She said she was a single mom with two kids.

Early on, she came every week to have sex for two days and go on dates. This lasted for months. I originally thought it would be a hookup since we met at a hotel the first time. She went cold about 8 months into the ‘relationship’ for about four months. I didn’t message her because it hurt but I finally reached back out. She said she just felt the logistics of the relationship are hard. She has two kids and I have to help an elderly parent and we live two hours apart. This kind of makes sense but I think there might be solutions. When I ask that, she said recently well “I don’t know what I want, and I don’t think you do either.” She had been seeing me about every 3-4 weeks for a couple days. This summer she has her kids and is wrapping up school, so I get she is busy. However, she hasn’t seen me at all, and I’ve even offered to come down to her. She just says she is busy or can’t make any promises. She would always text me quickly when I would text her, and now she’s started responding a day later or half a day later. She also said she did a week where she did a social media purge and so she didn’t respond for 7 days and apologized. I tried to get her on the phone this weekend and she ultimately said she would but then said she was on treadmill at gym and couldn’t talk that day.

Finally, out of frustration, I was in her area anyways to party and decided to pass by her home on the way home. There were two vehicles in the driveway early morning. Now, I’m wondering if she is raising her kids with her ex husband (I know they are divorced) or has someone else.

Am I dealing with an avoidant? Does the silencing of the phone to study for school make sense or does it sound like she’s hiding me now from another partner? Should I ask her to talk on the phone just to ask if she thinks she’ll see me again and if she needs space? I don’t know what to do. I feel like she is either an avoidant, I am just an unknowing affair partner, she has a new partner, or she is truly just that busy. I haven’t seen her for 8 weeks now. I really thought I had found a friend who I deeply cared about or a potential partner, so I’m upset. I just need advice please…

Hi All,

About a year and a half ago, I met a woman that I initially met at a hotel for a hookup. I liked her immediately and we clicked, so we kept seeing each other. She came every week, brought gifts/food, and would have fun. We’d go on dates when she visited. She’s a single mom with two kids (around 12), and she’s currently finishing up college. This is something she’s been pursuing online since I met her.

She said the two hour drive was nothing and that she loved coming to see me. I couldn’t get rid of her. Then it changed. She started being busier until she eventually went ghost. I take care of my mom who is blind, so it is hard for me to move. She has two kids in school. She said she just realized logistics might be hard. We went dark for probably four months, then I messaged her telling her how I felt about her. She started calling again, and we saw each other about once a month again. Now, it’s summer, so she has both kids and is taking college courses. She keeps saying she’s slammed, and she ‘misses my jokes’ and ‘misses spending time with me’, but she often only texts a couple times a week. She’s ’too busy’ now and has ignored when I’ve offered to drive to her.

I will say she’s never introduced me to friends, but we’ve taken photos together. She says she has told some friends about me, but I don’t know if it’s true. I know where she lives, but I’ve never been to her home or met her kids. She tells me about them.

Do you think she’s just too busy right now to see me? Or do you think she’s probably seeing someone else? I’m just trying to figure out how to approach this realistically. I really like her.