Is this gender dysphoria, or something else?
I am a 48 yo male who has crossdressed since high school, and have had thoughts of "what would it be like to be a girl" since ~8 yo. Crossdressing has always filled me with such joy and warmth to see "her" staring back in the mirror. I never smile bigger than I do in those moments. But I never really considered myself trans, as I feel comfortable in my male body, and enjoy my life as a man too. I was "just a crossdresser". I like feeling girly sometimes, and being called pretty makes my heart sing. But I don't feel like I can't keep living my life as a man, nor do I feel like I'm wearing a costume when I go out into the world as a man.
As I've gotten older, life keeps getting in the way of having a chance to dress (family, job, money, etc). Basically once a year my wife and I give each other a weekend get-away as a gift, and I use mine for "Camille time". It's a blessed time (some pics from a recent post), but far too long in-between those opportunities. I'd say in the past 18 months or so I've been feeling what I can only describe as a deep longing and deep-rooted sense of sadness the longer it's been since I've had that time. The more I felt it, the more I kept looking for answers to what the cause could be. So recently I met with a well respected gender therapist online, and described my history and how I don't feel any dislike towards my male body. It's more that I want to also been seen in the world as Camille too, and live life as her sometimes (whatever that would look like). After listening to me babble for an hour, she told me that she doesn't think I'm a trans-woman b/c I don't display any signs of physical dysphoria though I still fall under the “trans” umbrella). Rather, she thinks that I'm bi-gender or gender-fluid.
But as I sit here with this deeply rooted feeling of sadness, almost like a background noise, and which I know is coming from "her" inside me, I do wonder if I have some sort of dysphoria nonetheless. And I even wonder if perhaps the therapist’s label of "bi-gender" was hasty, and there is more going on here. Why else would I find myself feeling jealous at times of women I see just being their beautiful selves out in the world, free to present any way they want to? And why else do I often scroll the "trans timelines" sub-reddit thinking,"I wonder what would I look like after X years of HRT?". Perhaps this is all just my femme side trying to "get out" a bit more, and it would all even-out if I could dress-up more than once per year? Or is this feeling something more than just that, and really more of a type of dysphoria?
I'd be grateful for any thoughts or advice. ❤️
Camille