r/GenderDysphoria

I am 60 and grew up in the 70s and 80s. As a child, I had curly hair, blue eyes, and long eyelashes, often mistaken for a girl, especially by women who praised my appearance and wished they had my hair and eyelashes. At 11, staying at a friend's house, his mom bent down to greet me without a bra under her shirt. I saw her breasts, and I thought I couldn't wait to have breasts too. I was confused growing up due to limited information about being trans. In the 90s, I got married. The internet made it easy to look up information about being trans. My wife found my internet history, and we got divorced.

I am now married to my wonderful wife, and we have an awesome daughter. I have always been attached to women but at the same time wanted to be a woman. I spent years of wanting this feeling to go away. Now, at 60 my egg has cracked. I am a trans woman.

Ever since I was little, I’ve been curious about “feminine” things, makeup, clothes, the female body, and what it would be like to be one I’d the girls. Unfortunately, at some point during my childhood, I was punished for wearing makeup while playing, and I grew up thinking that it wasn’t normal. Even so, I kept doing it in secret. I remember one time I found my aunt’s lingerie, put it on, and felt this intense sense of excitement. I don’t know… I think that somehow it eventually became a fetish for me.

To this day, I still dress as a woman in secret. But I’m no longer sure if it’s just a fetish, because sometimes I wish it didn’t have to be something I only did in private. There are moments when I look at women and wonder if I’d like to be one of them. I look at my own body and imagine what it would be like to have a more feminine figure and face and don’t look ridiculous in women clothes! 

What makes everything confusing is that I can’t say I suffer because I’m a man. It doesn’t cause me a great deal of distress, although I can’t say I feel especially proud of being one either. Then there’s the fact that I’m not gay—I know for certain that I’m not attracted to men.

And, of course, there’s the fear of being judged and of how my family and the people around me would react if I ever came to the conclusion that I want to identify as a woman.

I don’t know what all of this means. I don’t know what I’m really feeling, how to approach it, or how to define it. Sometimes these feelings become overwhelming because I have no clarity, and I don’t know what steps I should

I'm sorry because this might sound weird, also please excuse my poor english but i need to get this off my chest. I just cannot seem to accept the fact i am trans, even though i am fully aware that i am. Being able to transition would fix many issues that are currently taking over my health, it's just that admitting to anyone (myself included) that i wish i wasn't female is terrifying.

I can aknowledge the fact i wish to be male and transition, but i cannot accept it. I feel as though I would never truly be a boy, and it's wrong because i believe that trans people truly are the gender they transition to. It's simply that i cannot see the same for myself, and i feel crazy for it, because i wish i could just accept what i see in the mirror and move on with my life, just be a normal teenager like everyone else.

For transparency, I am a 29yo ftm(he/him), but my life definitely is more aligned with those in their thirties, it appeared as though it would be okay for me to post here, I hope that is the case.

I have been struggling a lot with if I should continue hrt. I have been on t for what is nearing 4 years now, have had levels tested periodically, have had top surgery, stopped and started weight training and cardio regimens, and I feel inconfident that I will ever successfully be perceived as a man. I do not feel as though I was wrong about being trans, or anything like that, but my dysphoria is so much worse now than it was when I was just closeted. It is incredibly painful to be trying so hard to be accepted and recieved authentically, and to constantly fail than to just be acceptable at pretending.

I physically have a very curvy figure, even post surgery. I have began to carry more weight in my stomach than I used to, but my hips, thighs, and backside are still huge. My voice has dropped a bit, but is still in no way perceived as being masculine. I am quite short, and my face is very structurally feminine as well. These are not helped by my mannerisms and being a very anxious, autistic person. I am never gendered correctly in public(save for my partner, my child, and some friends).

I live in the US, but I am fortunate to live in the PNW. I am a student and am constantly misgendered by the people in my program. This is largely not from what I can tell malice, but that they simply can not get over the mental block of seeing me as a woman. I know there is not a single way to be a man, but I feel as though I do not know how to train myself to perform masculinity in a way that is perceptible to other people. The way I have internalized my social roles and masked is very aligned with what is expected of women, and I feel lost on what to do, especially going into a human services field where it is very important to help others feel at ease with you.

I know it shouldn't matter so much, but it just makes the dysphoria and disappointment feel worse that I have essentially just become more conventionally unattractive over the course of my transition thus far while failing to obtain meaningful gains in the masculinity department. I in the past have definitely relied on my desirability to navigate social situations, so I understand that my concerns about this are more related to how my perceived value has diminished than vanity alone, and that is certainly not healthy either.

I would greatly appreciate any thoughts or insight, as I am having a rough time figuring out how to move forward.

Oh wow, it feels weird to admit this.

The cat is out of the bag, but I secretly wish I was a man.

It’s hard to describe the feeling, but every waking moment I remember I am biologically a female, it feels like torture, and I hate the fact that what should’ve been mine was striped away from me.

I remember when I was 12, I discovered what being trans was. Some of my teachers didn’t respect that. Nobody at school respected it. My friends at the time didn’t respect it, and one of my family members found out, and outed me to the rest of the family despite me not asking them too. I cried.

Ever since then I’ve been a girl. Just a girl. Always a girl.

I grew up enjoying girly things, but I always wore boy-ish clothes. My parents respected that. They said they liked my unique style, and bravery to express myself in a world that isn’t so accepting.

Now that I’m older, I still dress in boy-ish ways, and prefer my hair short. But I like boy things now. I even kinda self trained to make my voice a bit more raspy and lower than normal.

Ever since I was outed, I swore to myself I wouldn’t tell my friends or family of my secret.

I still go by she/her pronouns, and I still go by my real name, but a part of me hates myself for being too scared.

One day I told my friend the truth, that I wish I was a man instead of a girl, and she asked me “do you want to be a boy?” And I said yes. She asked me if I was interested in HRT. I told her yes. I’m old enough to start HRT, but no doctor will accept me as their patient, since where I live, they are all booked up. I feel like the more I can’t find a doctor, the more I can’t live my life how I truly want to be.

I told my friend my plan was to graduate college and move away from my state and then start HRT, because I’m scared that my family will find out that I want to do it, and I’m sure they’ll catch on quick with all of the changes.

I do not want to burden them with this, so that’s why I wanted to move away, and avoid speaking over the phone, and this and that.

My parents are supportive of the LGBTQ+, of course, but at the time they thought I was just being experimenting of my identity, which, is fair, considering I was 12.

When I go out in public I get jealous seeing other boys that are skinny and look cool, and here I am.

There’s been nights where I’ve stayed up at night and cried all night over the fact that I have a chest and not a flat one.

And I’m prepared for the homophobic/transphobic comments, honestly.

I’m also prepared for the “this is a stupid vent!!” Comments.

I complain to my friend all the time that I feel like my life as a man was robbed from me the moment I was born.

I just can’t describe the feeling anymore honestly.

However, I also have to risk the fact that I could possibly be jumped or killed, or harassed, or many other things.

Maybe this thing just wasn’t mean to be, but please just know that this isn’t who I am.

EDIT #1: Not sure if this edit is important, but I will provide it. In my vent, I talked about maybe wanting to start HRT, but there are things that limit me from even getting consulted. I’m going to be honest, even if I got consulted for HRT, I may not even be able to afford HRT. Its not that I’m poor, I just don’t know how much it is, but I’m sure it’s expensive. And also, I also most likely cannot afford plastic surgery. Like I said, I’ve been training my voice slightly to sound like a man but it’s clear I still sound like a girl. And again, I also stated in my vent that I’m somewhat afraid to start it because I don’t know how my family will react to me altering my hormones.

EDIT #2: I will lock this post if I have to as a last resort, I do not want people fighting in my comments. Some people will say things that go against my beliefs and others, but please try to stay respectful and mature when talking to these people.

EDIT #3: I have decided to lock the post. Nothing very harmful was said, but many comments of people trying to psyche me out is making me stressed out. I am already confused about my identity, and now people are trying to make me scared to try and make a leap.

I am a 16-year-old boy, and I'm really confused. Ever since I was a child, I've been feminine. In kindergarten, I used to wear the princess dresses that were there, and for many years I've been called "gay" for being a bit feminine.

When I turned 13, I tried on my sister's dresses in secret when she and my parents weren't home. I still wear her clothes sometimes when no one is home. But I don't know if I want to transition.

There are many reasons why I'm unsure. I'm scared of losing my fertility because I'm still young and want kids when I'm older, but I also want to have a feminine body. That contradicts some of my other feelings.

I also want to take steroids. I want to be big, strong, and manly. I want to experience having a girlfriend in a male-female relationship, but it's all too confusing.

I can't talk to anybody about this, not even my parents. They're really religious, and I don't feel like I can be honest with them.

I'm just stuck in a dilemma. I don't know if I want to take the chance and become a girl or keep being a boy, get big, have a girlfriend, and live that kind of life. I feel like I'm being pulled in two completely different directions, and I don't know what I really want.

I really need your guys' thoughts on what I should do. Any advice would mean a lot to me.

34 year old male. Started stealing mums clother from age 10, feelings come and go. Recently dreaming every night about being a girl. But during the day all the time I have vivid day dreams of being a girl. As in its the same every time. Purple blouse, black pin skirt and tights, sat infront of a computer. Its exacly the same still image. Nails painted purple. Can I stop this? Thank you

This is my first ever reddit post. I'm really not sure who I can personally talk to about this, so I thought posting here is the best option.

I, an 18 y.o AMAB from the UK, have recently been experiencing what I believe to be dysphoria for the first time. This started with watching The Amazing Digital Circus finale, and resonating a lot with Jax as a character. Yes, I know there's a lot of differing opinions on her (the writing obviously isn't perfect) and she's probably the easiest thing to hate on the internet at the moment, but after watching the finale and realising that this is the experience of a heavily repressed trans women, I couldn't deny to myself that there were a lot of traits and experiences that I connected with, to the point where I was actually tearing up during some parts. After all of that, I think I'm experiencing some kind of snowball effect, feeling very conflicted on who I am and who I want to be. To put it simply, I feel like I'm pretending to be someone I'm not, and I have been for a long time now. I have never experienced anything like this, and I'm just looking to see if what I'm feeling is valid and find out where I can go from here.

I have been reading the dysphoria bible and I've related to a lot of things said in it. I heavily relate to the social dysphoria aspect. I tend to feel quite uncomfortable talking one on one with friends, all of them being cis men, and feel like I'm performing in front of them. I constantly have this voice in the back of my mind saying 'do they like me?' or 'am I doing good?' whenever I'm trying to keep up a conversation. I usually prefer when we're in a group as I can just provide my input when I feel like it, but I still feel a sense of being performative and anxiety. When it comes to physical dysphoria, there are little things that bring me discomfort. I don't like facial hair, and I'd preferably have significantly less on my body. I wish my skin felt softer. I've never really been upset with how my body looks, aside from if anyone has pointed it out to me, as I have a much skinnier build, much closer in similarity to my sister rather than my brother, both of whom are much older than me.

But, when I think to myself about the hypothetical question 'If you could, would you wake up the next day as a woman?', I'm very hesitant to give a clear answer. I don't have the thoughts of 'I HATE being a guy and I've been cursed of it since birth' and strong feelings like that, and I don't really have desires to wake up with the physical characteristics of a woman, which is why I've been having so much trouble thinking about it. Do I just want to be a more feminine presenting guy, or do I truly wish to transition? Maybe that's something that comes much further down the line. I just hope this makes sense to people and I could get some help to better formulate my thoughts.

Finally, if things do come to fruition in one way or another, I really don't like thinking about how my life will change and how the people around me will react. I feel like family and friends will tolerate me at best, and I'd be the butt of the joke at family gatherings at worst. I currently work at a bar, and I dread to think of the things people will say to me. I already get comments about cutting my hair because I haven't for at least a year and a half, and I don't want to go back to anything really short. I don't wanna leave this job, but I feel like there will be consequences to this. Maybe I'm just thinking of the worst possible outcome, but it does feel like this won't be for the better in terms of my future, even if I do end up feeling better in myself, all due to the environment I'm in.

That's all I have to say for now. I'm happy to answer any questions. I just hope I can get some support, advice, literally anything, as these feelings are all very new to me. (for whatever reason I feel quite anxious to post this)

hello, I've come to vent about my sexuality and gender dysphoria.

I really wanna be a girl, I hate being a dude so much. I hate that I can't have a chest or any physical attributes of a female body. I hate having a dick hanging around me, it's genuinely so annoying and especially when I get an erection.. at least girls don't have that problem, I'm not entirely saying they do because they do (getting wet) but it's not as noticeable as walking around with a boner at any time when you've got sweatpants on..

I actually refuse to wear sweatpants because of that reason. I wish I could start HRT and get top and bottom surgery but my parents aren't really supportive of that side of the lgbtq (experienced 3 years ago when I was transgender)

I'm hoping I can start HRT and and surgery in the next decade because I'm still in high-school and while I know you can start at any age I really wanna start at like 17-18, I'm 16 now.

I've seen a whole bunch of reddit posts from girls saying they wish they were boys and I've been reading them quite carefully and I still have the urge to do this.

I also want to come out as trans to my friends and to people ik online but it's scary.

Anyway thanks 4 reading! If you have any questions or anything please just ask!

I know this might sound a bit weird, just trying to see if people can relate to this.

Only a couple of times have I questioned my gender identity but for now I'm settling on gay, cisgender man.

When I was young (maybe 12 or 13) I learned about how some intersex people will sometimes be born with both genitals, like, both a penis and vagina in some form. And about how some of them will only find out when they're older because they got some form of surgery when they're babies.

(I know this is a very particular experience and I don't wish to appropriate it or get into it per se.)

But I was maybe a late-blooming preteen when I heard of these cases and it sort of got into my head that this might have been the case for me. My only proof: my perineum. In particular, my perineal raphe (wikipedia link).

(Again, I never have had any reason to believe I am intersex or have any real knowledge on this matter.)

But you see, when I was a kid, I noticed I had a line in-between the scrotum and the anus. A sort of ridge that nobody had mentioned to me and I'd never heard about in the few anatomy lessons of our biology class.

Apparently it's called a "perineal raphe", most endosex men have it and women too, although it's usually not visible in women. And it's a normal result of fetal development.

But to me it clearly looked like a scar, and the fact that it extends into the scrotum only made me more sure of it. In my head it had to be a scar. And since I'd heard anecdotes from my biology teacher about how some intersex people may get surgery when they're kids to modify their genitals... I was convinced I'd been born with both a penis and a vagina, and that "perineal ridge" was the scar where they had sewn it shut and maybe even added my balls.

I know. I even voiced this paranoia to some of my friends in the middle of a "two truths and a lie" game but I immediately regretted it and played it down. I finally settled on how unlikely that was and even though it had to be a scar, it just wasn't a genital reconstructive surgical scar from when I was a baby. Just some other wound from when I was a kid that I couldn't remember and I was too embarrassed to ask my parents about anyway. Eventually forgot about it I guess.

It's not my only instance of gender dysphoria and I know it's weird af. I was just wondering if anyone had ever felt something similar, or know if this is a concept at all.

I don't really know where to begin, I'm having a lot of thoughts about being a trans woman, I'm AMAB, and I hate it. I hate my body hair, I hate my weight distribution, I hate the social aspects of being a man, I don't like gender as a whole. But I always have this nagging voice that says my life would be better, and I'd be happier if I were AFAB. I can't go into a lot of detail why, I'm really exhausted from talking about it, but I know this is how I feel. However I'm 22, and 95kg. I've already gone through male puberty, now I just feel big and in the way and gross. I long to be small and pretty and just, better. I don't want to medically transition or socially transition because I guess I'm just scared? I think I have a lot of internalised transphobia and I just don't know what to do about it. I don't feel like transitioning would ever give me what I want, like instead of being some gross dude, I'd just be a gross dude with a delusion. It's tearing me apart, I don't feel like it's something I'm capable of doing, nobody would take me seriously, I'd never be who I want to be. But ignoring it and living as I am is turning me into a spiteful, angry person and it's affecting my friends. I think part of me thinks that if I were afab, the people I care about would like me more, maybe I wouldn't be so miserable, I don't know anymore. I'm happy to reply to anyone completely honestly, I just need insight into this, I'm scared and alone.

I just can’t get over the fact that I’m so freakishly tall and there’s nothing I can do about it at all no surgery no nothing. I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb and I feel like a laughing stock. I know tall cis women exist but most of them get accused of being trans anyway so it doesn’t matter. The only saving grace is that my feet are rather small (proportionate to my height) at like a size 12 which is still huge and embarrassing but it could be much worse they could be a size 15. I genuinely don’t know how to even cope with this. I get asked a lot how tall I am and I just take it as “well I guess they clocked me” I can’t even help it. I just feel like everything would have been literally fine if I was even 5’10 it just makes me want to cry I feel like such a freak.

I just turned 24 a couple months ago. Ever since I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be a girl. I can’t help being jealous of pretty girls. It’s honestly hard to explain, but I’m so upset that I never got to experience growing up like that. I’ve buried these feelings for as long as I can remember.

I grew up in a really conservative family, and I have a great relationship with my parents, but I’ve just never really been happy with myself. I’m scared of becoming any more masculine than I already am. I hate that I went through puberty. I’m tall and broad, and it feels like I missed my chance. I still kind of have a baby face, but that’s about it.

I think I’ve gotten to the point where I just feel angry. I’m honestly offended that I’ll never know what It feels like to be a girl. I’m angry that taking estrogen early could have changed so much. I wish it had just been something that felt acceptable when I was growing up.

I’ll probably never transition. If I did, I would lose all of my friends. I have a good reputation. I also have a really good job in the military, so I don’t even know if it’s something I could realistically do.

I don’t act like a girl and i’m not gay. I actually have a lot of more “masculine” hobbies. I love being outdoors, being on the water, fishing, etc. My friend group is pretty blue collar, and I get along with them really well. I just can’t help thinking that I wish I could do all the same things, as a girl.

Idk. I guess I just needed to rant.

Since my egg finally cracked at 60 years young, I have been excited to start my journey to become who I am meant to be. I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow and an appointment with my PCP to start HRT. I even found a potential surgeon for Zero-Depth Vaginoplasty. I am moving too fast!

All the planning has brought me both fear and joy. Am I being selfish? I know that I will need to quit my job. The joy I am experiencing will not be shared by most of my family members and friends. This may crush them. This morning, I need to slow down. I really appreciate any help you can provide, whether it's shared experiences or advice. This community has been supportive and kind.

What do you do to not want to die every single day? Every time I stand up, it triggers massive dysphoria and makes me feel terrible about myself. I wish more than anything that I was taller. I absolutely hate myself and feel like a midget every single day.

15mtf

Dysphoria has become a constant source of pain in my life, but I couldn’t ever transition. I wouldn’t pass, idk how my friends or family would feel, and most importantly I just don’t think it would be enough for me. I wouldn’t ever feel like I’m really a woman. Is there anything at all I can do to help just a bit?

Hi all! This is a new account but I've been a lurker for a long time.

I've been out to some people, including myself, as non-binary for about a year now, but I've known I wasn't cis for a long time - I spent most of my university life desperately wishing I was a woman, or at least not a man, and watching I Saw The TV Glow when it first came out literally kept me up for the entire night. It took getting a gender therapist for me to unpack my feelings, and saying "I'm non-binary" and having my friends use they instead of he for me still gives me a thrill of euphoria.

Since this realisation, I've been trying to deal with what I now realise is my own dysphoria, with varying degrees of success. What I'm finding difficult is finding the reasons behind why the bits of dysphoria I've got remain.

I don't care about clothes anymore, which used to give me so much gender envy. I still get incredibly nervous buying them, but I'm happy to go out in the skirts and dresses I already own, and I do some very nice make-up on myself. And I've come to terms with my permanent beard shadow by pretending I look like David Tennant - I'm slim and tall and I've got dark brown eyes, what else do you need?!

But the big one is my own biology, for want of a better term. I'm not on any HRT and I've not had any surgery, so I accept that my body is more or less the same as any other cis man's body. And that's fine, I think it's more what the implications of that biology mean that give me dysphoria.

I hate being shirtless because that feels so male. It feels like a man thing to have shorts/trousers but no top on. I used to avoid swimming wherever I could so I didn't have to take my top off. Pre-awareness, I went on holiday with some friends, and refused to go in the hot tub with everyone else because I wouldn't get shirtless, so awkwardly sat on a chair next to it in the drizzle.

In the same vein, and this is a little blue,>!but I can't bring myself to be physically intimate with anyone. That feels like using my body in a way that is exclusively male, with no way around it, no matter who my partner or their gender would be.!< I can navigate romance by refusing to be a "boyfriend", instead a "partner" or something else, but I don't know how to deal with that side of it at all.

AND YET, some things don't give me dysphoria at all. I've always been okay using male toilets, cos I always have, and I'm only in to leave two minutes later.

My therapist recommended looking at my body less as a male body and more as just my body, and in an effort to take that on board and become less afraid of my body, I've started using the communal showers at my gym instead of the cubicle. And it's been fine. I thought it was going to be worse than it was, but it was alright, and it's not given me dysphoria.

But that's what's confusing me! Why am I alright being in the buff in the showers with other people, but I'm also trying to figure out a swimsuit-trunk contraption to swim in because being shirtless feels awful to me?! I'm literally wearing more clothes! Even the fact I'm fine with that first one makes me feel bad, because I feel like I shouldn't be okay with it. I've spent my entire life not fitting right with other men, and here I am acting like I am one.

It's like my dysphoria is confused, I feel like I'm not a very good non-binary person. It's a description that lines up so well for me internally, but I don't feel like I line up with the rest of the community externally at all. I wish it made more sense to me.

Has anyone else had these feelings? Not necessarily this specific, but this kind of confusing dysphoria?