u/FaithfulGaurdian

While I have moments of personal weakness where the idea of being a woman seems very pleasant, I am occasionally reminded of those distant memories of my happy boyhood for which I've always seen myself as nothing but the boy that I was.

If I ever transitioned to female, those reminders will constantly call to remind me of who I was, of the fond memories of playing videogames, watching boyish cartoons, listening to Animusic pieces from the early 2000's, eating eggo waffles at home, and having fun at Chuck E Cheese's.

I never saw myself as a girl in my childhood, even if I felt more like one as a teenager.

And now when I see the occasional movie where men demonstrate a strong sense of honor, it reminds me that my highest self is not female, but male.

I remember watching the movie Kingdom of Heaven, and I remember having a positive impression on Saladin due to the compassion he had for many of those who've hurt him, yet still projecting a display of strength and compelling justice through his mere presence.

That stood to me as a positive demonstration of the masculinity that I inherently knew was meaningful to me on the deepest level.

Yet all these moments of pride in masculinity are often balanced by my personal nostalgia for womanhood in personal moments of rapidly shifting sentiment.

Sometimes I wish I could be a woman in a bright yellow dress laying in a beautiful endless field under the sun.

When I encounter the usual men who display toxic masculinity, it also reminds me of how far away I am from maleness that I feel estranged from men and wish to have little to do with them.

It's like I'm in a holding pattern that will never end, and there is perhaps no therapist in the world equipped to solve it.

Happy 250th

It's been over 2 years since I've been off E and the urge just keeps growing every single day and I'm on my last rope.

My brain has been craving E so much every single day, I don't think I can go on much longer.

I still have my boobs and having them reminds me everyday of how good it felt when they were bigger when I was on E.

Developing female physiology feels so good and addicting, it's like a drug.

If only you could just..

Be a woman...

Become a woman...

My therapist is just so unprepared to deal with this, and there's so many therapists out there who are clueless in dealing with this, I don't know if there's anything left to save me from surrendering to womanhood...

Help me...

Help.

Me.

It's been over 2 years since I've been off E and the urge just keeps growing every single day and I'm on my last rope.

My brain has been craving E so much every single day, I don't think I can go on much longer.

I still have my boobs and having them reminds me everyday of how good it felt when they were bigger when I was on E.

Developing female physiology feels so good and addicting, it's like a drug.

If only you could just..

Be a woman...

Become a woman...

My therapist is just so unprepared to deal with this, and there's so many therapists out there who are clueless in dealing with this, I don't know if there's anything left to save me from surrendering to womanhood...

Help me...

Help.

Me.

I've been telling my therapist all these things about how I'm trying to become more comfortable in my masculinity and that I don't intend on transitioning, but after thinking for some time, I get the sense that my repression is not sustainable in all circumstances.

I've been having a weird obsession with trans men since I flirted with one a couple years ago, and when I think of it, I know that I probably won't keep repressing if I ever fell in love with a trans man.

It's like my body naturally wants to fulfill a female biological purpose and that my brain wants me to be the girlfriend in a relationship.

I don't know how I can gain the strength to resist through all of this temptation.

I don't know what to do with myself being the living contradiction that I am.

I've been doing better in life right now and have become more comfortable in my male identity as a result.

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And yet that internal desire to be female stays with me forever, constantly ripping me apart every single day.

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I need a second therapist since the one I'm currently seeing is for most of the other problems that I'm dealing with, and I can't say whether I'll strike gold and meet an experienced therapist that is not an affirmationist.

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Every single day it never stops, my brain constantly wanting me to fulfill a female reproductive role that I can't.

​

This is hell, and I am living in it.

I admit that I am envious of those men who find satisfaction in being the man in a relationship.

After flirting with a trans guy on my trans girl alt account several years ago, I fantasize every single day about being a trans woman with a trans man and being in the traditionally female role of a relationship in every way possible.

I think it partially has to do with my CCRD where I constantly experience having a phantom vagina and my brain wants me to fulfill a female biological role that I cannot fulfill.

I think a part of it has to do with the fact that I'm a naturally shy and open-hearted person and it's an expression of a big part of who I am to feel good about being vulnerable to a trans guy and to be the girl in the relationship.

I've had difficulty understanding a lot of cis men my entire life when it came to things like dick-measuring contests, shit-talking, homophobia, misogyny, aggression, general narcissism, etc, it feels almost as if I am an alien unable to relate to either men or women.

A deeply important part of myself is female and I fear it will never leave me.

I don't want any of this but I don't have it in me - the heart - to be a man in society or a relationship.

I want to want to (yes I mean that) be a guy, one who is emotionally mature and empathetic, but I don't have it with me to treat a girl like how guys generally do; it feels like being a girl who is trying to be a boyfriend to another girl.

And now it's at a point where I don't even know what I want and I feel so aimless and purposeless.

Does anyone here relate?

My GD would not have gotten so bad had I never researched more deeply of my condition and associated it with transness and the transgender community.

I will not transition knowing that I'm neurologically a male and am behaviorally one.

My identity is male, but my GD is a distraction that competes with that male identity, not an indication of being female or nonbinary.

I don't need transitioning as it is so often recommended on Reddit, but I definitely need therapy, yet it seems that most therapists don't have a clue on how to deal with this while those who claim to do are overwhelmingly affirmationists.

There is only hell here, and I am living in it.

I imagine myself as being a man with a beautiful mane, having distinctly conquered my own inner contradiction.

Yet I feel deep emotional satisfaction at the memory of developing female physiology when I was on HRT.

I'm being split apart in what feels like a contradiction.

Almost as if transitioning to be a woman would result in a calling for maleness that would haunt me forever to remind me of why I am.

And inaction and staying male would result in the same perpetual distraction that I deal with everyday; that part of me that wishes to be female.

Today was a great day for myself and my struggle, yet I know that its very likely that I go back to HRT and find satisfaction with developing female physiology.

Despite what my brain wants, I honestly don't care anymore.

I'm only human and I don't want to suffer anymore.

I don't see myself as trans, I see myself as a guy with gender dysphoria trying to not let myself be consumed by it.

Does anyone else see themselves similarly?

I see some people here have been suffering for years so I just wanted to ask, how are you feeling in life right now?

What are you currently struggling with?

What makes you happy?

I can't be a man and I can't be a woman.

I don't know what to do with myself and I envy so much those people who can live normal lives falling in love with each other.

I can't be a boyfriend because I don't have that manhood in me, and it took me so long to realize how different I am from other men as it relates to having that masculine ego.

There's no place for me in this world.

It seems like the vast majority of people here would benefit from seeing a therapist.

For those who have confided with a therapist about their condition, what has your experience been?

I was only on HRT for a few months as an experiment and decided to quit because much of the pleasure that I derived from taking it seemed very sexual, although I admit that seeing my body feminize made me happier.

When I stopped taking it, it felt as if my body was going back to being a flat plain man and still after 2 years, it feels as if my brain constantly craves E everyday along with the feeling of having breasts.

Has anyone else had an experience like this?

I would like to put all this behind me but it feels almost as if this is keeping me back.

I was only on HRT for a few months as an experiment and decided to quit because much of the pleasure that I derived from taking it seemed very sexual, although I admit that seeing my body feminize made me happier.

When I stopped taking it, it felt as if my body was going back to being a flat plain man and still after 2 years, it feels as if my brain constantly craves E everyday along with the feeling of having breasts.

Has anyone else had an experience like this?

I would like to put all this behind me but it feels almost as if this is keeping me back.

I don't have anything against transvestics, but it often feels difficult to relate as many of our symptoms are very different, and I'm just trying to find those who I can relate to.