According to my anorectal manometry as well as my decography I seem to have a hypertonic pelvic floor.
The thing is I haven't heard of anyone else with a hypertonic pelvic floor have what I have which is localized fatigue in my colon after defecation.
Does anyone else here relate?
As my health has improved substantially in the past few months, my libido has come back and with it, the exacerbation of my genital dysphoria.
Perhaps presently the greatest source of my insecurities as a male human being.
On the outside, people view me as a male human being grounded in his masculinity.
In secret, I wallow in the shame of my affliction, that my brain seems to want me to procreate as a female human being which is not only not possible, but is in contradiction to my male heterosexuality.
I hate this so much.
As expected, my feelings of fondness in the idea of being the other sex have waned, and I again feel the masculine higher self.
At this point, I feel as if denying my inner female is unhealthy for me and that I must learn to integrate it to the point where I don't feel shame in this part of me.
My inner female does not necessarily cancel out my inner male, and I must learn to not only be content with it, but be proud of it.
Or perhaps I should walk the path of full celibacy so as to dampen my bottom dysphoria to the greatest extent.
Perhaps that's better.
Today I am a lion, and I must not submit to the humiliation of turning into a woman.
Not because I have internalized transphobia, but a male human being is who I am.
I've been satisfied so far of my progress in having compartmentalized my bottom dysphoria and separating it from my male gender identity.
Yet, one thing I notice is that there is a certain element of my personality that perhaps forever separates me from normal men.
I've never met a male human being like myself personality-wise.
Like I'm really shy and my personality in real life is often like those shy Japanese girls, although it does alternate with my more male and stoic side of my personality depending on how I feel, although my heart is too tender to maintain it at times.
I'm someone who feels and loves deeply, desperate for empathy and seeing a piece of myself in others.
I've compartmentalized my bottom dysphoria, yet there is difficulty at times when the more feminine aspects of myself emerge, and when my character is so distant from that of so many other men.
It's hard to see myself as a man when my heart is so different from so many men.
Even if I workout and have a muscular body, I have a feeling that it perhaps wouldn't be who I am.
I honestly don't see myself as some muscular dude, I see myself as being soft and tender and loving.
Sometimes I ask myself, who am I? Who am I?
I say a male human being with a strong inner female, or maybe it is something else?
That I have these questions, I know I'm not yet fully free.
Whatever happens, I accept who I am.
Almost everyone on Reddit tried to tell me that the only solution to my CCRD was to transition.
For nearly 3 years I kept hearing this again and again.
After a long battle, I can finally say that I am functionally free.
I am free...
Almost everyone on Reddit tried to tell me that the only solution to my CCRD was to transition.
For nearly 3 years I kept hearing this again and again.
After a long battle, I can finally say that I am functionally free.
I am free...
Almost everyone on Reddit tried to tell me that the only solution to my CCRD was to transition.
For nearly 3 years I kept hearing this again and again.
After a long battle, I can finally say that I am functionally free.
I am free...
5'10 M and weigh 150 lbs
My meals generally go like this -
Breakfast: 2 sandwiches (peanut butter and strawberry preserves)
~14g protein
Lunch: Huge smoothie
3 cups Kirkland Vanilla Soy Beverage
1 cup cooked mature soybeans
50 g spinach
80 g broccoli
50 g carrots
40 g oats
150 g frozen mixed berries
1 medium banana
35 g peanut butter
2 tablespoons sunflower kernels
2 tablespoon ground flaxseed
2 scoops Orgain Vanilla Protein Powder
5 g creatine
Iodized lite salt
~108g protein
Dinner: 2 watermelon slices
~2g protein
I've designed my meals so that I max out every essential nutrient since that is more important to me than protein.
The problem is that I'm currently struggling to get the 1g of protein per pound of body weight recommendation since after I consume all my food, my stomach is literally beyond full and I'm still about 30g of protein short of where I need to be.
Like do I just have a small stomach or am I doing this wrong?
I've planned my diet well and according to chronometer, I'm getting 100% of my recommended amount of every single essential nutrient.
The problem is that despite this, I do have some cravings for meat that don't really go away much even when I feel full, like my body is "missing" something.
I don't know if this is a normal experience or if it's my body telling me that I need meat, but I am cautious as I hear a lot of stories from ex-vegans who talk about how they often look nutritionally deficient even when supplementing.
I'm not at all eager to eat meat again and I don't like how my body feels when I eat it, but I'm just trying to make sure that I don't become one of those vegans that experiences that fate.
Does this feeling go away, and am I doing something wrong if I have these cravings?
If anybody here has had a similar experience, how did you deal with this?
Thank you.
I've planned my diet well and according to chronometer, I'm getting 100% of my recommended amount of every single essential nutrient.
The problem is that despite this, I do have some cravings for meat that don't really go away much even when I feel full.
I don't know if this is a normal experience or if it's my body telling me that I need meat, but I am cautious as I hear a lot of stories from ex-vegans who talk about how they often look nutritionally deficient even when supplementing.
I'm not at all eager to eat meat again and I don't like how my body feels when I eat it, but I'm just trying to make sure that I don't become one of those vegans that experiences that fate.
Does this feeling go away, and am I doing something wrong if I have these cravings?
If anybody here has had a similar experience, how did you deal with this?
Thank you.
So many people said that it was impossible for me to overcome my current condition.
Well I still have it and my CCRD/bottom dysphoria certainly still affects me, I have isolated the issues I have with it to the moments where my sexuality manifests.
While I do have a desire to transition in those limited periods of time, in most cases in my everyday life, my desire to transition is almost zero, and that is most important in my struggle.
I have some motivation in life again, and I love being a male human being, and I will always nurture my inner female so that both sides of me can reach my fullest potential.
I don't know if I can forever say farewell knowing the condition that's a part of me, but I wish anyone reading this can find the strength to overcome much of the debilitating struggles that they're facing because I don't want you to suffer.
Transitioning is not always the right solution for every person with gender dysphoria no matter what they tell you.
Find your heart and follow it until the end, whether it's transitioning or being solidified in being the person you know you are.
Take care for now everyone, and I wish you all a warm and comforting days ahead.
I absolutely love this movie as I'm currently dealing with some deep personal issues and it's perhaps the only movie that inspires a proud sense of masculinity in myself.
I know that it's not purely historical but I just want to know how other people thought of it.
I'm feeling solid right now and am appreciative of my male self.
My CCRD/bottom dysphoria while still an issue is isolated from my happiness in my male identity and in the cultivation of my masculinity.
I am most comfortable and happy with everyday interactions as a male, although there are limited periods of time where when my libido rises again, my feelings very temporarily become the opposite in that my brain wants to fulfill the female copulatory role.
It's pretty embarrassing especially as a male human being to have a brain that wants me to have sex as a woman, but I am itching away from that, for at least I find greater happiness in being socially male.
It's like a balancing act between contradicting primal desires in my brain, violent shifts in sentiment that fluctuates with my libido, but that I am making progress, I'm happy as I'm walking towards freedom from this horrible affliction.
I'm feeling solid right now and am appreciative of my male self.
My CCRD/bottom dysphoria while still an issue is isolated from my happiness in my male identity and in the cultivation of my masculinity.
I am most comfortable and happy with everyday interactions as a male, although there are limited periods of time where when my libido rises again, my feelings very temporarily become the opposite in that my brain wants to fulfill the female copulatory role.
It's pretty embarrassing especially as a male human being to have a brain that wants me to have sex as a woman, but I am itching away from that, for at least I find greater happiness in being socially male.
It's like a balancing act between contradicting primal desires in my brain, violent shifts in sentiment that fluctuates with my libido, but that I am making progress, I'm happy as I'm walking towards freedom from this horrible affliction.
Like after I make my smoothie, I do the thing where I fill it halfway with warm water and put a little soap and blend it for 30 seconds, but there's always a little bit of residue on the blender walls.
Should I do something different like using a different dish soap or using hot water, or do I have to clean the leftover residue manually afterwards?
So in college there was this girl who was madly in love with me, but she was always trying to make me jealous in the most blatant ways like saying a certain guy's name a lot in weird moments.
I didn't really want to pursue her because even though I deep inside was deeply in love with her, I also just didn't have a good feeling about her.
At the end of the semester, she got the impression that I wasn't into her and wouldn't speak to me whenever I spoke to her, but it seemed that she kept wanting me to make a move until one day she stopped coming to the public piano that we used to play together.
After the start of the next semester, whenever I talked to her at the piano, she still wouldn't reply back until one day I asked her if I did something wrong, and if I did something wrong I'm sorry.
After some time, she started crying and started being really mad at me and being very mean.
She was still really mad for several months after but towards the end of the semester, we did finally hang out together with my friends at the time and she fortunately didn't seem very mad anymore.
This all happened many years ago when I was still in college, but I still think back to this time and I just wonder what it must have been like from her perspective, why she was always trying to make me jealous when to me it was really just something that made me want to stay away, and how she must have felt that made her so mad for months.
My testosterone levels are generally around 750 and I've heard a lot about how having higher testosterone gives a man more energy, but for some reason that's not something I've noticed when I gradually decreased it by taking estrogen.
If anything, I've had a more stable mental well-being when my hormone levels were more like a cisgender woman's, and when I quit HRT, I didn't notice any gradual rise in energy.
Does anyone else here relate?
Just a follow up on the post from yesterday, I'm still feeling solid and I noticed that the more productive I am in my life, the more the feelings of gender dysphoria fade.
Recently, I've been incorporating new morning routines to help wake me up since I'm usually tired in the mornings.
The first new thing I've decided to do today is to dunk my face in a bowl of ice water and man, I felt great afterwards and I'm definitely going to keep this in my morning routine.
I've also tried Qi Gong for the first time and wow, the feeling I had afterwards was "I feel great!" which is something that I don't usually say.
What it taught me was most people who wake up tired in the mornings should consider doing some kind of stretches because it actually does give you energy.
With the Qi Gong I did, it was like a full-body stretch combined with mindful breathing.
I'll keep doing this every single day since mornings usually decide how productive you'll be for the rest of the day.
I can stop thinking about this gender nonsense so much and learn to be at peace in such moments.
(Written when my libido was relatively lower)
As of right now, I can feel as if I'm almost free, so far from the feelings I've maintained just a week ago.
It's difficult to explain my change in feeling, especially as it relates to the reason, but I'll explain it like this.
What had first helped inspire me was the movie Mongol, and in the characters, I saw something close to the apex of true masculinity, a small glimpse and portion of who I am deep inside, and it served to remind me that my highest self is not female, but male.
There's something about being a man of strong presence and strong principles that I admire; being an epitome of goodness that inspires others in a society filled with injustice.
Perhaps that's the best way to explain it, and it helped me to cherish the inner masculinity beneath.
And then I noticed in my life, if I'm so distraught by something that I am willing to work hard to get away from where I am in life, when I must face what is hard and difficult, I want to face life not as a woman, but as a man.
If I wish to be my own independent person surviving in the wilderness alone, that I wish to do it as a man and happily so for there is a happy feeling of masculinity tied to being independent and self-sustaining.
And today, I did a full body workout for the first time instead of mostly focusing on the glutes as I usually do, and I feel solidly proud as a male human being, unfazed by my bottom dysphoria.
I've come so far in so little time, and I thank my therapist for giving me some extra encouragement along the way.
I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I hope I get there...
Wishing the best of luck to everyone here as well struggling with these debilitating thoughts.
(Written when my libido was relatively lower)
As of right now, I can feel as if I'm almost free, so far from the feelings I've maintained just a week ago.
It's difficult to explain my change in feeling, especially as it relates to the reason, but I'll explain it like this.
What had first helped inspire me was the movie Mongol, and in the characters, I saw something close to the apex of true masculinity, a small glimpse and portion of who I am deep inside, and it served to remind me that my highest self is not female, but male.
There's something about being a man of strong presence and strong principles that I admire; being an epitome of goodness that inspires others in a society filled with injustice.
Perhaps that's the best way to explain it, and it helped me to cherish the inner masculinity beneath.
And then I noticed in my life, if I'm so distraught by something that I am willing to work hard to get away from where I am in life, when I must face what is hard and difficult, I want to face life not as a woman, but as a man.
If I wish to be my own independent person surviving in the wilderness alone, that I wish to do it as a man and happily so for there is a happy feeling of masculinity tied to being independent and self-sustaining.
And today, I did a full body workout for the first time instead of mostly focusing on the glutes as I usually do, and I feel solidly proud as a male human being, unfazed by my bottom dysphoria.
I've come so far in so little time, and I thank my therapist for giving me some extra encouragement along the way.
I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I hope I get there...
Wishing the best of luck to everyone here as well struggling with these debilitating thoughts.