okay, I think repression doesnt work, this isnt a pinkpill but literally we are just doomed to honnery or repression and id think id rather be a hon than this moid hell i doubt anyone will agree with me but like idk
I think it captured the feeling of repressing while in a deep depression perfectly. The world feeling so fake and suffocating. Wishing and waiting for someone to come save you but they never come. The years piling up so fast they feel like seconds. Knowing you have to take responsability for yourself but not daring to. And then you regret it but the world doesn't care, and time keeps moving and moving and moving....
I know i will never transition ( i am still asking to myself, am i stay like that till i die, but i doomed by born with this sex so it is not matter to transition,bc i will always be afab) but i cant live like this. I really hate amabs and has strong envy to them. I always inherently trying to convince myself i feel like this bc of partricarchy,feminism bla bla. But it is not easy to explane like that. I have internalized transphobia, i think. But when i see any little shit of in internet hate towards trans mens or invaliteding them. I just feel strong hate to them, they are mostly trans womans or cisgays. And i always feel exluded bc queer culture is male dominated and i always will be the dyke,butch,afab,lesbo of the queer community. I dunno maybe i have aap. i wish i was not get this trans brainworm when puberty starts. I cant explane myself properly but i wasted my life bc of trans shit and will kmx bc of this and back then i was more confident about being trans, feel more certain, and now i dont know. Everything feels envious,ashamed, hurt, feels stucked, hopeless suicidal. And feel hate to all people, all lgbt communities. And my body cant saved with t, i am just unlucky shit. I cant explain how i feel but this "identity" hurt me lot but i just attachet to that, is this am i really trans or just i am mentally ill, i dont know. Only fhing i wish i hope being reincarnation is real and i will reincwrnate as a boy. But it just a fuckşnf deluision bc i know afterlife is not real. Whatever. I hate my irl life,body,face,sex,organs, and online communities and all type of queers. Fuck thst shit. I hope i can kmx.
Just got into E recently after repping since 14, i convinced myself i could live as a man and didn't want to disapoint my family, but i was almost considering ropping, and i don't think i could manage living like that forever, idk if i will ever pass and be able to live fully as a woman but at least i can try. Not out to anyone irl yet, and i don't really plan to do it soon.
I just fucking wish i knew about DIY earlier and knew how much transition age matters, i could have been at least a midshit or even youngshit, even considering how upset my parents would be if they found out. But im a big retard and doing it as a lateshit now
This will be a pretty pathetic post.
I've been finding myself hating/having jealousy of any Trans man. Doesn't matter if it's a stealth guy who rarely/never talks about being Trans or a he/she/xir feminine guy. I find myself hating all of them.
Doesn't matter if they're posting something i agree/Disagree with, that I find funny, etc. I can't stop myself from feeling extreme contempt. There's definitely envy in it. With them transitioning and both being and being seen as men. The hatred part idk. I do understand that it's really weird to hate on them without transitioning myself. And in general.
Can I do it without my family or gf knowing. Even if temporarily or microdosing
Now yes some of you will be like "haha but you're posting on this repressor sub you dumbass", and yes I am, however im here to tell you all that you CAN repress.
On the weeks I didnt use any social media/go on /tttt/ my dysphoria went away, only when I went back on twitter and 4chan did my trans desires come back, if you simply dont talk to anyone and pretend transness itself doesnt exist, you can repress.
however my GD spiked last night and now im back! but only because I browsed 4chan but that dont count
TLDR: ignore every trans space, dont talk to any trans person, and pretend that everything is fine.
and even if repression doesnt work whatever IWNBAW
I saw that the top post is of a drawing romanticizing that dynamic. But if I imagine myself in a relationship with someone AMAB, and they were venting to me, saying some shit like, how they wish they could be a beautiful woman, romanticizing the hell out of it, and then shitting on themselves for their masculine features, I don't think I could take that for very long, that would make me go insane. Likewise, I don't think that they would appreciate hearing the same thing in reverse.
Just imagine, them having sex, it would literally be the worst sex ever. Them looking at the opposite person's body. They probably start crying, wishing they were the other person. Would be worse if they are jealous of each other's bodies. Imagine the other person is exactly what you want to look like. Unless they create some body swapping technology very soon, that situation would make me 20 times more suicidal than I am now.
I was friends with this repressed trans woman, and they were highkey misogynistic. They wanted to be a woman so bad that they just ended up hating women because they were so jealous. They would also just ignore me whenever I brought up my dysphoria and the only time they would tell me they find me attractive was just to make me feel shitty about my feminine body.
I would enjoy solidarity with another AFAB repper but especially because of my previous bad experience, I could never have a romantic relationship with an AMAB repper. But to be honest, that would still be much preferable over being in a relationship with a cis man, because at least they get the struggle and would treat me like more than just a hole to fuck.
I have made so much progress with my repression these past few years that I feel like starting HRT now will make all my efforts meaningless. I found out about transition and HRT when I was 20 , still had decent passing potential back then . But I decided that repression was the right path for me . Fast forward I am 25 now , I look much more masculine ,hairline definitely receding and my frame is definitely very manly. If I decide to transition now, not only will I not pass but that will also mean that not only did I waste 5 years repressing , but also that I failed to transition at my most optimal point. I chose the repression path ,there is no going back now .
I swear even if I could manage to pass or not look jarring with like FFS or whatever else the whole concept of having everyone I already know see me transition gives me chills. I swear I just think of situations like bumping into an old friend, telling my boss, some random uncle, my friends transphobic sister finding out. Like holy shit it makes me want to crawl out of my own skin. Like the gravity of that situation and the fact most people see it as a kinda crazy niche thing to do and especially if they didn’t see it coming or If I wouldn’t pull it off at all.
I swear the only way I would be able to transition is if I move to like Bolivia or something and start a new life. I genuinely cannot handle the concept of someone in my life knowing this.
My gender ambiguity and dysphoria very much live in these aspects of my personality. However, I too can not really place myself in the trans box, and the Western materialistic approach of "just change your body with massively invasive surgeries" never answered what I experience as a spiritual thing (being male brained / male spirited if you like). So technically, I guess I am repressing?
The hardest suffering for me is that I experience my sexuality as something impossible and being invisible to others. All while having a relatively high libido...so the matter is very present in my daily life. Bonus problems for liking reasonably attractive cis women with well cultivated feminine personalities (i.e. 99% of them are straight and have options). How are you guys navigating this? Repress this, too? Work on being happy with compromising your desires and standards? Can you re-condition yourself to enjoy a whole different audience, if you assume that a (visibly) queer / dyke / nonbinary crowd are more likely to like me back?
My sexual development, history and present are pretty sad and dire due to this. It´s hard to not feel like a failure in this regard. I´d like to evolve but have no idea what the steps are.
I am getting to the point where I think that a specific subset of dysphoric people stand a good chance to resolve this, and that would be: transitioning people who achieve a reasonable physical outcome, and who integrate well into an urban queer/genderqueer community and its social codes. I do have a hard time imagining everybody else with dysphoria or gender deviation to build a fulfilling erotic life - and that would probably even be the majority of us, or what?
What is everybody doing about this?
While I have moments of personal weakness where the idea of being a woman seems very pleasant, I am occasionally reminded of those distant memories of my happy boyhood for which I've always seen myself as nothing but the boy that I was.
If I ever transitioned to female, those reminders will constantly call to remind me of who I was, of the fond memories of playing videogames, watching boyish cartoons, listening to Animusic pieces from the early 2000's, eating eggo waffles at home, and having fun at Chuck E Cheese's.
I never saw myself as a girl in my childhood, even if I felt more like one as a teenager.
And now when I see the occasional movie where men demonstrate a strong sense of honor, it reminds me that my highest self is not female, but male.
I remember watching the movie Kingdom of Heaven, and I remember having a positive impression on Saladin due to the compassion he had for many of those who've hurt him, yet still projecting a display of strength and compelling justice through his mere presence.
That stood to me as a positive demonstration of the masculinity that I inherently knew was meaningful to me on the deepest level.
Yet all these moments of pride in masculinity are often balanced by my personal nostalgia for womanhood in personal moments of rapidly shifting sentiment.
Sometimes I wish I could be a woman in a bright yellow dress laying in a beautiful endless field under the sun.
When I encounter the usual men who display toxic masculinity, it also reminds me of how far away I am from maleness that I feel estranged from men and wish to have little to do with them.
It's like I'm in a holding pattern that will never end, and there is perhaps no therapist in the world equipped to solve it.
Happy 250th
im 18 and im already aware its probably too late for me to be a passoid but i guess sometimes i look in the mirror and i can almost make out a woman infront of me and then its the next day and my face is even more boxy. i wonder whats the average age around here.
Apologies for all the blogpost spam, I really don’t have anyone in my life I care to know any of this because I’m worried they’ll try to convince me without understanding or that I’ll realize how crazy I was and regret having told anyone once I’m better.
Today I went in for an appointment at planned parenthood and within a couple of hours I was prescribed T Blockers and Estradiol and I feel like I don’t even want to take them now that I have them. I still picked up the prescription because I will always have doubts and I think if I do come to that conclusion it would be nice to have them on standby but at the moment I’m not convinced I need them.
I don’t have a history of gender dysphoria in my 22 years of life. I think I combined my fear of hair loss, feminine tendencies, self loathing, need for community, alongside other things I pumped into one cause that I could fight.
I sympathize with trans people, I think that’s why I convinced myself I am one. I have felt I have had to mask myself awkwardness to be accepted and have the same general desire to present for others in a way physically and performatively desirable.
If I were truly trans I’d have downed these pills by now or at least wanted to despite hesitancy. I feel fine if not dead at the moment and I will acknowledge that that might just be complacency with the present but I don’t know. What I worry about is regretting not starting asap because part of me understands there might be truth to all this but the part of me that is more fearful wants to wait until we gather more information but that pretty much means wait for dysphoria to become more ugly and omnipresent instead of just a voice that could be OCD telling me I might be trans without good reason.
Small tight nit community https://discord.gg/E4y9NcVbB4 existed for a couple of years.
If you’re a passoid, please don’t join. It’s supposed to be for manmoders, womanmoders, and people who just didn’t make it or did not transition but acknowledge they have gender dysphoria. A place to cope that’s more than just people dooming. It isn’t meant for passoids. For reference, over half the members here are non-HRT, but that doesn’t mean you should try to make them troon out. Most people here are lateshits.
it does require you to submit a ticket to join, it’s meant to make the community members feel more safe.
Thinking about doing that, idk, it just wont do nothing anyways
I will not transition. I will not inject more than 0.5 mg estradiol valerate per week. I will marry a straight woman and be a stoic silent Easter island head.
Amen
I swear, specially r/ MTF is full of delusion like "women comes in all shapes and sizes" or something on those lines. Men tend to be more sincere at least in my epxerience, so i suppose FTM spaces aren't that bad, unless they are really populated with theyfabs