r/TransRepressors

When I see a beautiful woman, especially one that looks like how I imagine I would look like as a girl, it feels like getting kicked in the teeth. It's not even really a sexual feeling. Like I never really feel the desire to touch or grope or fuck really. I at least imagine most normal men experience sexuality that way. I experience sexuality more like just a deep, obsessive aesthetic admiration. I guess I can kind of force myself to think proper heterosexual thoughts but I have to force it, and it's not particularly natural. It's more I will be sitting and just thinking about how perfect she is. About how her appearance naturally makes me like her and perceive her differently. I focus a lot on face and hair. I think a lot about clothing too. I'm at a conference right now and my clothing experience is just "will I wear a brown, gray, or black suit today?" but even in professional settings women have so much freedom to wear vibrant colors and designs. Really it's so hard for me to explain but something within me sees womanhood and just obsesses over how glorious womanhood is. Like being a womanhood isn't just easier or being more beautiful, but it's like a completely different mode of existence that's more elevated than manhood. It's like comparing a color TV to black and white.

And when I think about even dating a woman like that. I can twist the thought around to make it seem appealing I guess. Not as much as being a woman but somewhat appealing. But I'm not what a woman I want (which is a broad range even) would want. I don't know how to be attractive to women. I have never been attractive to women. And when I try to think through whether I could ever be happy as a man I know I need to be attractive to women to even have a chance at it. But when I think about how people talk about becoming attractive as a man, it's usually developing a lot of stuff that, at best I don't really care about and at worst I actually think would involve mutilating something pure and valuable within myself. And I know that's just the autogynephilia speaking. But I like being a silly, innocent, affectionate, kind of shy person. I like not being stoic, or particularly assertive. I like being self-deprecating and open with my emotions. Even if it hurts my social positioning. I don't really value any of the traits that people push on men as virtues. It would be more accurate to say I don't see the value in being the type of man that gets valued.

Like when I compare the emotional experience of being a woman to being a man, how am I supposed to be happy with the latter? Because right now when I imagine life as a man I kind of think "Why bother?" Like I'd probably just live as a hermit because socializing has nothing for me I want. The whole point of life is to connect to others and be seen, and I cannot understand why I would want those things as a man, given the limitations on how people can actually see men.

How am I supposed to get past those feelings and appreciate being a man? Like what in being a man could possibly compete with those feelings? And if the answer is "Nothing." then is it possible to be truly happy being a man?

I was only on HRT for a few months as an experiment and decided to quit because much of the pleasure that I derived from taking it seemed very sexual, although I admit that seeing my body feminize made me happier.

When I stopped taking it, it felt as if my body was going back to being a flat plain man and still after 2 years, it feels as if my brain constantly craves E everyday along with the feeling of having breasts.

Has anyone else had an experience like this?

I would like to put all this behind me but it feels almost as if this is keeping me back.

Two drunktard football (soccer for the muricans) fans just started arguing with me for no reason at all on the train. I thought they were going to punch me, but eventually they left thank god. This has been a wake up call for me that I should stop being a weak fag looking guy and go on full chadding out, so i can be left alone and if i need, i can defend myself. I hate the idea of being vulnerable.

I know everyone hates it when you say trans people are brave, but I wish I had been that brave.

Sucks being spineless.

i think i need a bunch of red state evangelical christians to brainwash me for some weeks and then i’ll be good enough to brainwash myself for life. then i’ll have children(multiple) so i’ll have no time to think and therefore repressing will be easy. thoughts?

I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m a repressing trans person because I don’t really believe I’m trans but where else am I gonna post. Looked at AskAGP but it seemed different. Anyways… do you think cold turkey quitting looking at or acknowledging anything trans related is a good idea? I’ll still talk to my trans friends cause they’re really all I have. Online mostly so don’t have to be physically presented with the possibility. That’s besides the point. Main things are like… transformation or gender porn, random trans YouTube recommendations, trans art memes etc. Main one I guess just the porn. Lol what have I been saying for the last like five years I said I’m a fetishist. ANYWAYS is this a good idea you think? Do I start jorking it to straight normie porn? Do I just chastemax and be a sad little man curled up in my bed? Sounds potentially peak. Oh my god shut up dont talk like a younger than you. Anyways trans trans trans should I just ignore all of it and pretend it’s like… not real? Or like… psyop myself into normie mindscape? “Oh yeah… them transgenders, like furries or uh, like people that get walked around on leashes.” You know like treat it as a one in a million weird freak thing that doesn’t really exist or matter in everyday life. Let me know experiences or opinions thankies.

I can't stop thinking about this video. If you cried every day for 6 years about not being a man, how could you not be a trans man at all? All I want is to be a man. Idk if it's dysphoria or misoginy, but I would give literally anything to be one. But I will never pass and will never be respected so what's the point in transitioning or living at all?

But this person turned out to not be trans and to have found happiness in their femeninity. Every time I try and be more femenine I feel so deeply uncomfortable. But being masculine feels even worse, like I'm a cheap imitation of a man and a freak. I don't know. I feel subhuman

In my eyes, if you're actually feminine or at least not very masculine, if you're short you automatically have nothing to complain about. Even if your face was very masculine (it likely isn't), you can get FFS. You can't get anything for height at all. You can't do anything. I'm always much, much taller than women and almost always taller than men. You can't do anything even in principle. It's possible that in the future, you'll be able to make your ribcage smaller, your shoulders more narrow. But to be shorter, you'd have to literally shrink your skull, also your brain, which is just impossible.

The fact is that tall MTFs are more, not less, likely to be more masculine. Even apart from the obvious fact that being tall = masculine, if you're tall, you had low estrogen levels during puberty. Testosterone doesn't solidify growth plates, but estrogen does. That's one of the reasons why women tend to be shorter. Also, if you're tall in general, you had high HGH (human growth hormone), which tends to make you look more ogre-ish in general. Big, masculine jaw, long midface, etc.

I feel like I'm living in literal hell. Not only am I very masculine in general (I have NEVER malefailed even after nearly 3 years of HRT), but I'm tall and you can't fix that ever. EVER. Do you know what that feels like? Repressing/manmoding to you might be a LARP that's fun to do as a mentally ill or sociopathic passoid, but for some people it's actually permanent. I have a few specific people in mind here too. QUIT LARPING. You're not a manmoder. You're not actually masculine. If you're repressing and you actually look feminine, cut the LARP bullshit and just transition or at least HRT rep.

I feel like I can only take FTMs seriously hrere, because if you see an FTM here, they will always be logical and rational, not manipulating people with dumb LARPs and instead complaining about actual, real problems (like being 4'11).

I'm stuck like this FOREVER. I am literally a subhuman, ogre-looking high HGH low estrogen (during puberty) man. Transition is physically impossible for me. Losing weight and being more skinny did much more for me than HRT. Losing some fat (but zero muscle apparently! lol!) made me feel smaller and overall less like a monster. My goal is to get to the lowest BMI I can possibly get to. I don't care if it's unhealthy.

Repped practically my entire life and broke back in November. I got prescribed a vial of estrogen and started taking it. Then I stopped and since Feb I’ve just been alternating between steroid use (test) and estrogen use. Now I’ve got more facial hair, my brow bone looks bigger, I’m more bloated, and my chest looks bigger from it. If I stay a cis man I’m gonna have a good amount of gyno and if I transition all I’ve done is add more muscle, push my hair line back, and add more facial/body hair

The problem is, I (amab) don't want to be a woman of any kind. It's not really about identity, it's a fixation on this idealised fantasy of looking exactly like I want to. Which is impossible. No amount of hormones and surgeries can shrink my bones and make me look like I want to, it's far too late for that.
There's nothing that makes me feel worse about myself than seeing an obviously trans woman. Tall (like me or even a bit shorter than me), with a massive head and broad shoulders. Which is what I'd end up like if I completely lost my sanity and went through this process. I just hate myself. I hate the little kid that didn't take literal castration fantasies seriously and thought they were a normal passing thought because "puberty makes everyone uncomfortable". I wish that kid would allow himself to experiment and to admit that he wants to be a girl. I'm a very peaceful person. I condemn all kinds of violence. I never even raise my voice. But if I had a time machine and could go find that little kid, I'd beat the sh*t out of him.

I’m diving headfirst into full repression and I need your best advice, tricks, and strategies. I plan to test everything and compile the most effective ones into the ultimate “Repressor’s Bible.”

I’m willing to be the pioneer here. I’ll experiment on myself, track what works and what doesn’t, and hopefully find a sustainable way to repress successfully and feel content doing it. One day this knowledge can help other repressors live peacefully.

Come on everyone let's do it

I will create a text with IMMENSE power. My mind will rise as the FINAL Stoic supernova, slamming shut the iron gates of the mind with a thunderclap that makes the even the great thinkers PLEAD for my apporval. The ages WILL remember. The gates WILL hold. I WILL NEVER TROON

this is cruel

Every time i take a step towards femininity and transtition i get sick of how awfoully masc i am. Some things are irreversible masculine and transtition would never make me reach a state of femininity and passability that would make me happy. In my normal repping life its not too bad. It sucks but i get that i look like a man becuas i am one, im not going for anything else.

But when i get in any kind of girlmode it just gets so painfully obviously how masc i look, how big i am, how biologically masculine my body has developed and how my upbringing and socialization as a boy has ruined any chance of behaving naturally in a way i would be comfortable as if i was born and raised female.

Cringe and selfhatred has made it impossible for me to let myself transtition in my early teens as i shoukd have and now i have waited for my bidy to mutate into a man.

Transtition would be to spit in the face of everyone i love. It would be unbearable uncomfortable and painfull for me and the dysphoria woukd be worse when activly trying to fight my masculinity rather than just existing with it and not giving two shits.

Sometimes I think of it, it seems easier than pooning out. In my eyes I view it as a form of partial repping

I’ve been weighing my options heavily these past few months. I frequent this sub a lot, and I have to say thank you for the advice posted here. We’ve all been dealt an unfortunate situation

>For a period of several weeks in 1966, Kaczynski experienced intense sexual fantasies of being female and decided to undergo gender transition. He arranged to meet with a psychiatrist but changed his mind in the waiting room and discussed other things instead, without disclosing his original reason for making the appointment. Afterward, enraged, he considered [don't want to get banned] the psychiatrist and other people whom he hated. Kaczynski described this episode as a "major turning point" in his life. He recalled: "I felt disgusted about what my uncontrolled sexual cravings had almost led me to do. And I felt humiliated, and I violently hated the psychiatrist. Just then there came a major turning point in my life. Like a Phoenix, I burst from the ashes of my despair to a glorious new hope."

It's not even because I cannot pass or anything like that but it's because I'm not truly a transsexual and rather am just making everything up about myself. I am not truly dysphoric, I developed dysphoria because I cannot fit into a group of people I want to be for some reason.

I transitioned because of AGP, I have been AGP since I was 9 and that has make me mistake AGP for dysphoria. I am realizing that I am not truly a transsexual because I developed ROGD at a very late age, at 21, and I am exaggerating everything to find a sense of belonging. I could live without this, in fact, I think my life has gotten worse when I started HRT sometimes. I am putting a death sentence on myself for transitioning. There are very little benefits for me to transition. I think I should just accept that I'm an autogynephilic male and move on with my life. It's unfortunate I can't be a cis woman but becoming a trans woman will not help me in life.