r/TransRepressors

i can see a forehead wrinkle and my nasal folds so much more now ever since ive been spiraling about how worthless and pathetic being a troon is for me. i think the transphobia and the hatred got so bad its making me look more like a disgusting edgy mass shooter which certainly makes my already horrible dysphoria and even my undiagnosed OCD worse. im only 18 and have been on DIY hrt for 2 years, how is it possible for me to look THIS fucking hideous? i know ive been inconsistent with it and i know my mental health is sitting in a fat pile of shit rn but still

I honestly wish I could just reincarnate as the opposite gender I don’t think transitioning or putting labels on me will make me any happier genuinely I pray almost everyday reincarnation is real I’m sorry if this weird 😭 does anyone wish anything similar

Personally, I haven’t, and I’ll get to what I mean by that later in this post.

The most I’ve done in regards to my gender exploration is privately dress feminine and do makeup, and online go by she/her pronouns, use a feminine name, and tell people I’m a boy but treat me like a girl (was young and didn’t know what trans was at the time).

Now at 29, I have dysphoria that hasn’t been this bad since I was 9 years old. I’ve been thinking myself to exhaustion about all of this for the past year, “am I trans”, “should I transition”. But it’s hit me, you can’t think your way out of mental distress, you must take action.

Think of a person with depressive symptoms. Is the first line of treatment to take SSRIs? I mean, I certainly don’t think so. I think the first action is:

1. Prioritize sleep
2. Eat enough and healthy food
3. Exercise
4. Socialize

Then see if that makes a difference, if it truly made no difference or you’re unable to even do those things, then maybe you do have clinical depression and should take SSRIs.

But basically:

1. You can’t think your way out of depression (or dysphoria).
2. You shouldn’t jump to SSRIs without trying the basics (or transition).

So here’s the point of my post, for those of us that have never taken our gender exploration to actually be in-person with another human, both privately and publicly, with feminine clothes, makeup, she/her pronouns, using a new name, etc. isn’t that what we should try first?

What if by taking these actions, we end up hating it in reality, and it actually reveals that we DONT have dysphoria, that we ARENT trans-repressors, and we can finally put all of this behind us and move on with our lives.

This is what I plan on doing, and I think it will either resolve all of this, or make me realize I’m actually dysphoric/trans then I’m back to square one or slightly worse. But I think it’s an idea worth trying, and at this point I’ll try anything.

Every single day I fight the temptation to start HRT, it plagues my existence. If I were born in the middle east, Afghanistan let's say, it wouldn't even be a thought! It's not EVER brought up as even a possibility that you could be trans, and even if you figured it out you wouldn't be able to do anything. Why don't we hear of trans people in feudal Europa? Because they never had an outlet too do so. It wouldn't plague my mind, my soul, the possibility that I could change, because I wouldn't have the resources to do so. Perhaps that's freedom in some sense, the most freedom I could have from this degeneracy anyway.

It's a very long story but I started to 'rep' unknowingly when I was 14 and then more intentionally shortly after that. It's taken years but finally I feel like I actually know who I am now. I am a woman. The certainty is a great feeling. I'm sure it's not going to last forever but I'm glad that I can experience it now.

I'm grateful that I get to live a better life than the average trans person. By repressing, I get to avoid the hassle and humiliation of social transition, of explaining myself to people who think I'm a respectable cis person, of being stared at in public for looking weird. I'm grateful that I have the privilege of appearing normal, because normal is a great thing to be. While my mind might not be normal I'm grateful that other people can still look at me and see a normal person and not a freak.

I'm grateful to all the transgender and cisgender over the years who knowingly or unknowingly encouraged me to repress, because I've now realised that repression is a good thing for me. At the time I felt sadness and anger but they were trying to help me all along when I didn't know it yet.

It's clear that I am not going to pass as a man and that's fine since I am going to rep. I no longer feel regret for not trying harder to access hrt during my late teenage years. I don't resent the people who told me to repress. It feels good to let go of that misery.

Obviously being 'trans' is a social construct and it's not only an identity you assign to yourself, but one that others assign to you, and your membership of that group depends on the degree of acceptance you receive from that group. So I'm also grateful that ftms/cis women with GD are not particularly considered transgender in the same way that mtfs are, e.g. their desire to become men is seen as more socially induced/more transient/more performative than genuine. It's allowed me to come to the conclusion that it's better to be a cis woman given that the perception of ftms is not much different from cis women apart from being even worse. There is no such thing as acceptance from cis or trans people for pooners unless stealth is achievable, so since it isn't, repping is the only logical option.

TLDR; it's not actually a bad thing to be a repper and in a sense, it's a choice to be trans. You can't choose to not have GD but you can choose what you do about it. Just like how I will likely always have depression to a degree, I will always dislike my sexed traits and physical body to a degree, but it doesn't define who I am. You still have the will to define who you are to yourself, and if you're in this subreddit, I encourage you to choose being cisgender. It's not a bad thing to be cisgender. Arguably you can still be cisgender while on cross sex hormones but probably shouldn't open pandora's box if you haven't already started hrt repping (I have started quite a while ago, which is why I mentioned it. I don't have plans to stop it but hrt repping isn't for everyone)

Repping is still the best option for neverpassers, pooners that are less than 5'7, people who are so poor that they can never afford a single surgery etc and should be promoted to them instead of transition.

You can still experience happiness while repping even if you will be forever dysphoric, never have a partner, etc. Just as disabled people can still be happy

Hopefully this will be my final post here for a long time as I believe that being in trans/repressor spaces is counterproductive to repping. Many people here would benefit from giving up their attachment to the idea of being trans. I wish good luck to all of them

Well because as I think about it, it's kinda true. You are going to be some archetype of your body type. Rarely you find people who aren't who they appear to be on the surface and completely surprise you. People are what they look like.

it suffocates me so much. i wish i could go back to being a child

Sometimes when I go outside (I live near a university campus) I'm forced to endure the presence of incredibly horrible uncanny looking ftms, which almost always look like pcos women with dirtstaches, and then I remember that this is literally my future, it's just absolute death.

Why do these people bother to present as male when it's obvious to anyone who knows what pooners are that they are trans? They always invariably speak like women and are mostly accompanied by women as well, not that I blame them for it since they look so incredibly female that it would be impossible to befriend anyone that isn't an ultra woke woman. It genuinely triggers secondhand dysphoria in me and makes me want to go mute because im afraid that i have a disgusting poonvoice like them

I can only assume that these people are trapped in a hugbox chamber and that's how they can handle knowing that the general public views them as the modern equivalent of circus freaks.

If there's anything I have to say to femreppers before hopefully taking a very long absence from this sub, don't socially transition. Don't transition in any way if you don't pass ideally, but if you absolutely must take testosterone, don't socially transition prematurely. I also believed for a short while that it's impossible to girlmode on T but it's actually very easy, genuinely all I needed was a tiny bit of mtf voice training to keep being a cis woman while on T, the changes don't come quickly and the idea that T will magically turn you into a man is just very deluded. You will never develop the bone structure of a man so you miss out on a lot of masculinisation due to female puberty.

Social transition is only worth it if you pass WELL, otherwise you are just basically displaying your subhumanity for the entire world to see, also violating my eyes horribly. Please never do it. And avoid hrt repping if possible but it's certainly better than the alternative of being an obvious pooner so it's there as an option

Do I want to transition into an eternal anime twink? No

Can I imagine myself with facial hair similar to my dad's? Yes

Then why the fuck am I like this? I dropped T early several times already because I was scared of getting noticable changes and repped for a long time. I hrtrep now for a little while and try to get out of the repping habit, but still everytime I notice some new tiny hair on my poonstache I get obsessive over it and want to pluck everything out and rep harder. It may be some unknown trauma induced behavior, but either way I struggle with this very much and feel very faketrans. I am so tired of myself. Finasteride is not an option because I still wanna all the other effects.

TW: Rambling with almost no relation to repping, ignore if you're not in the mood.

I'll never be a woman. To be fair, I don't think my life, however short it will be, is ever going to have any meaning. I've never achieved anything, I've never received love from anyone, nor have I ever felt any real connection with anyone.

Since my birth, even before it, I was meant to be discarded, and so did my parents, and so would eventually do every person who ever came to mean something to me.

I was born be useless, ugly and idiotic, of course. That has always been me, nothing, and my life has taught me I should never try to be anything. Yet, I never seem to learn. I'm just a kicked dog, hoping for someone to finally put me to rest.

How could I ever intend to be something I'm not? There's not even need to be so ambiguous. How could I dare to try being happy even once? It will just make my life harder and more miserable than it already is. Why go through so much pain, so much hurt...?

I cannot speak, I'm not made to live or fit anywhere, I am not made to be liked by anyone, and I've come to understand that's just how things should be. Dysphoria is just another broken piece of my shitty life, and I should treat it like all the others, I'll stop trying.

I'll go through my life living as a man, alone, like always, just as I should. Doing nothing more but scrap what I need to not die, getting high at every chance to feel better for just a moment, and finally pulling the trigger once I cannot hold it anymore.

Do you think that was only true in the US 2000-2016ish?

I feel worse everyday. I feel really isolated from the world and feel like there is a wall in between. I feel really jealous and angry after interacting with a woman. I feel angry when I see women. I feel like It would have been better if I didn't have to interact with them at all. Also I am barely a person. I feel like I am half awake most of the time and regular day is like torture to me because I can never be normal like other people. I always feel the worse things about myself and interacting with women is like pouring lemon on the wound. Especially if they ignore me or make me feel unwanted. But if they constantly pamper me then it does not feel so bad then it feels tolerable. I feel helpless as i become a bigger and more manlier than ever. I see people naturally put me in the category of men. I accept it as the truth. I accept that I'm a man and that a woman something that I am not. And that I can never become one or move in that direction as it is impossible. Like how can I hope to be a bird in the future if I am a fish? It's both ridiculous and unrealistic. But still something is not right. I feel like i don't have a reason to live. And it all feel like i am burning in hell. I

Is this dysphoria? Or something else?

If we're being honest even 90% is pretty generous, from a looks perspective more than 90% of trans people have some kind of horrible flaw that makes them clocky to 'those who know'. In fact they usually have multiple. And clockiness is an utterly subhuman trait.

This becomes mega obvious if you ever go to a surgery clinic that has many trans patients, or are seeing a lot at an endo or some other place where trans people are likely to be, almost 100% of the time they look completely repulsive to me

Even worse, ime once you notice the clocky trait in question it's basically impossible to stop seeing it, and often once I've seen it, it's literally all that I can see

Like there is no logical reason to willingly turn yourself into some freak that looks close to a man-woman hybrid than anything which resembles a cisgender person of your desired sex. It's purely emotion, namely an emotional desire to look a certain way (which is rarely actually achieved) or a desire to not resemble the natal sex.

If you are ok with being uncanny and odd looking then transition, assuming you're willing to give up cis privilege, if not then rep, it's that simple

Keep in mind that even if you manage to occasionally 'pass' you will likely never stop being able to notice all the differences between a cis body and your body, namely that one is always going to look fucked up no matter how much time and effort you put due to unfixable bones

Hilariously trans people who get triggered by these statements are often subconsciously aware that they only transitioned due to hugboxxing and the FALSE idea that they will ever be a fraction of what cis people get at birth for free

not always but in some cases i think society has a fetish for watching people limp along miserably for their entire lives

I literally can’t hrtrep any longer. No amount of hormones I inject into myself is going to make me the man I want to be. I’ll always be short, with a feminine body even though I’ve been working out for years atp. I’ve been in this self-hatred, self-sabotaging cycle for half a decade at this point.
I’m sorry to all of the trans men out there. I’m selfish because I passed almost always. Only ever misgendered if people knew me before my transition or somehow “found out”. But I can’t when all I want is to be a pretty girl. I wanna go out to parties and have girlfriends and just live vicariously through some boyfriend. Is that fucked up?
My face is androgynous and I’ve never done makeup. I don’t even know how to braid hair or do any of the typical feminine stuff. I’ve been poonbrained since birth and I just want to give it all up. Every girlfriend I’ve had I’ve ruined it with because of my own insecurity in myself and I don’t know if I’ll ever find it. I’d rather just be “normal”, a short blonde girl who likes to wear makeup and cute clothes and has a bunch of girl friends who I have homoerotic tension with.
Anyway. Do any of you actually femrep! And if so how did you manage to do so. Where do you start, how do you randomly go out after you’ve been a baggy jeans and Harley Davidson wearing trans dude for the past 5 years. I’m sorry trans people but I give up

rn my working hypothesis is they do it not because they expect any results, but because it feels good to defy the fear that they've had in their heart for decades

Throwaway account because obviously

I am a ftm repper who married a mtf repper

Ask me questions about this relationship dynamic (or anything else you might be curious about)

Like okay I was reading something something some normie troon who I can only assume is a youngshit stealthoid complaining about trans women stereotypes and I thought about like I could freak her out by being all “send trooby pics” or something. Obviously I didn’t actually do that but the temptation to misogynistmax as a means of being more of a man is there.

Also vaguely related but I absolutely fucking loathe tranners my age or younger who like transitioned young and ended up going to college for some high paying in demand STEM field or something like actually hope you rope or get hatecrimed.

Yeah yeah not good things to say whatever fuck off back to doing absolutely nothing.