u/Outrageous-Sand5508

I literally can’t hrtrep any longer. No amount of hormones I inject into myself is going to make me the man I want to be. I’ll always be short, with a feminine body even though I’ve been working out for years atp. I’ve been in this self-hatred, self-sabotaging cycle for half a decade at this point.
I’m sorry to all of the trans men out there. I’m selfish because I passed almost always. Only ever misgendered if people knew me before my transition or somehow “found out”. But I can’t when all I want is to be a pretty girl. I wanna go out to parties and have girlfriends and just live vicariously through some boyfriend. Is that fucked up?
My face is androgynous and I’ve never done makeup. I don’t even know how to braid hair or do any of the typical feminine stuff. I’ve been poonbrained since birth and I just want to give it all up. Every girlfriend I’ve had I’ve ruined it with because of my own insecurity in myself and I don’t know if I’ll ever find it. I’d rather just be “normal”, a short blonde girl who likes to wear makeup and cute clothes and has a bunch of girl friends who I have homoerotic tension with.
Anyway. Do any of you actually femrep! And if so how did you manage to do so. Where do you start, how do you randomly go out after you’ve been a baggy jeans and Harley Davidson wearing trans dude for the past 5 years. I’m sorry trans people but I give up

I was on T for a little less than 10 months, and honestly very inconsistently. I don’t know what it really adds up too, but that’s besides the point. Basically, I’ve always been a “tomboy”/ masculine. Since I was a literal child. Like 5 years old and up. I never once learned how to braid, did my own makeup besides mascara lol, and never wore dresses or anything of the sort. I’m currently still presenting as male, but I’ve been off T for months now at this point. Some of my issues stem from the fact that I was working out heavily during my time on testosterone and I became very muscular and bulky. I liked it at the time, and still do sometimes, but I recently tried on some feminine clothes just by myself and hated the way my shoulders and biceps bulged out, instead of that slim arm look most feminine girls strive for. My face is already very androgynous. I wear glasses that are one of the main reasons I pass as they are very masculine and fit my face well (for trying to present male..)
Basically when I tried on those bras, kinda slutty underwear, sleeveless tops and mid riffs, I could almost feel feminine? But then I look at my face, my buff arms, my happy trail and js get lost. I just need to know if I’ll ever actually feel pretty. It sucks how transitioning is supposed to help you feel more comfortable in your body, but I’ve always felt so out of place and disassociated from it

So my SP currently keeps trying to cut things off with me.
We both work together right now but we’re both headed to separate jobs in a few weeks.
We’ve technically already broken up due to my own insecurities that are draining to her…
There’s a lot of family aspects, time conflicts, and just general relationships arguments that have caused us a lot of stress.
She keeps trying to end it, but always ends up coming back in some way, either we end up making out, talking about us, or just hanging out in general. But she’s confusing and keeps flipping from wanting to cut it off to wanting to get back together.
I have been manifesting us being together, my self concept of wanting a healthy relationship, and my end goal of us staying together and having our life outside of the workplace happen.
I don’t have doubt. But the current 3D is throwing me for a loop with how confusing she is, we both are.
I was wondering if anyone has done this before? Manifesting an ex that you’re still incredibly attached to? Has it worked for you? And what did you focus on.
Again. I’m confident. I know it’s creepy, but when we’re discussing our time apart I’ll look at her and think, “we’re still going to end up together, this is just a blip”.
Am I crazy? Or delusional in all the right ways?

I pass. Supporting family for my year on T thus far. I have a genuinely beautiful and kind girlfriend. And yet I’m ruining all of it because of my endless insecurity of not being a real man. Out of most trans guys I’m pretty lucky. But it still isn’t enough for me. I wish I could just be normal. At this point I don’t even want to be a real man. I wish I could just find security in being feminine and accepting of my afab body. But I just feel disgusting and ugly as a woman. I haven’t tried since I was a kid though because of sexual trauma. And now my voice is low and I have facial hair and maybe it’s all too late to go back. I don’t know what I want from myself and I just wish I was somebody else. This should be a diary entry but i guess I want community… anyone else feel like this ? :/