r/detrans

I’m not sure if I can post here because I’m trans. But I might get hate and we can agree to disagree but I have got off the mtf sub for this reason. Like I feel like hrt shouldn’t be the fix for everything unless you have gender dysphoria and you really think this is the right choice, but I feel like some people go on it even though they don’t have gender dysphoria and they see it as a fix on their depression even though they’re not dysphoric. I been on hrt for almost 8 months now and I can say it definitely did not improve my mood 100% which could be because in diying but it’s also because we’re the main political topic now. And I feel like that’s why my depression is getting worse because all these political views and my parents and my friends not being accepting of trans makes it even more hard for me to continue living as a trans person. Being trans is hard and I would not wish gender dysphoria on anybody. And I just want to say this as a general statement, don’t go on hrt if you just want the effect and you don’t have gender dysphoria, because that’s where detransition comes to play. Go on hrt because you have gender dysphoria and you feel like that’s the option to help you mentally and physically. I’m just trying to live life but it’s hard.

I've been looking at a lot of female livestreamers lately, as well as other women in my spaces. Mainly ones who play the same games I do, like Chunithm and Beatmania, or who talk about topics I’m interested in. It’s giving me feelings that are hard to deal with.

Not that women doing things that I do bothers me for its own sake, of course, but I think seeing women being themselves in my niche spaces plants the idea back in my head that I can do all the things I love and still be just as much of a woman. It makes me yearn a lot for what could have been. And the more that happens the more I start seeing transition as viable, and I’m trying very hard not to have that happen. I’m trying to force myself to believe that I am a man, but it just isn’t working. I think that because maleness and manhood is out of reach for me, I want to force femaleness and femininity to be accessible to me (and by extension to anyone else). I want to be a proverbial sister.

I’m 18ftm,I realized I was trans at 12, I came out at 13 to my best friend and 14 to my parents (it went horribly wrong lol), for all these years I was 100% sure of my gender identity; but, recently I discovered the detrans community and I’ve been watching videos of ppl like buck angel and reading/watching stories of the detrans community, and I’ve been thinking a lot about my identity now.
I’m not 15 anymore telling my friends “yeah, I like to go by he/him pronouns btw :3” I’m an adult who can take decisions that can change his whole life.
Everything feels real.
I’ve wore makeup and dresses tons of times (mostly years ago for formal stuff) and I felt pretty, but at the end of the day, it doesn’t felt like me at all, I felt like when you’re a Halloween party and you’re wearing a costume, you look and feel good, but you’re not a cat, at the end of the party you take the ears and tail off and sleep.
Also I tried to be feminine at some point and it felt off, I felt like an actor. But, I have an ED, so, it can be related to it, also, sometimes on TikTok I see girls wearing cute dresses or heels and I think they look good and maybe I would like to wear that?(, but if I’m a boy how I can think that?¿)
I don’t see myself as a woman, but a really want to have kids in the future :(
Like I said, everything feels real, and, I don’t wanna make a mistake, I’ve been feeling all these years the same about my identity, I wanna look like a man and I feel good being masculine and being surrounded by guys. I would like to take T and have the top surgery (I’m pre everything lol)
How y’all knew weren’t trans? I have too much fear about the future, even tho, it’s something I’m really excited for, I don’t want to change opinion

Okay... hello everyone, And I apologize for my English.

My thoughts on these topics started about 6-8 months ago. That is, I learned about the terms "sissy" and "trans" on the internet, tried wearing clothes associated with the opposite sex, hung out in online groups, etc. I experimented with things related to femininity, or rather, I tried to become more feminine. Besides that, I started to get interested in sexually explicit things, like sissy stuff, and I started to develop an attraction to men, etc.

Now, I'm an overly thoughtful and questioning person, so it's very difficult for me to adapt to something, feel like I belong somewhere, or be 100% sure about something (And I hate this trait of mine.)

I vaguely remember wearing skirts when I was little and being very happy, but I have no idea why I wore them. Then I remember my older sister constantly saying, "I wish you were a girl, I would buy you lots of things, we could go out together," and so on. I'm not someone who's accepted by the men around me either; I'm described as sweeter, so my masculinity is just my body. I'm not very successful in love with women either; been rejected twice, and lately I've started to develop feelings for men too. I don't know

Aside from that, I can say that I also conform to the things in those online transgender tests. Like, I hate my body hair, my broad shoulders, my voice, my weight, etc. My penis is below average, I don't know if I'd want a vagina, but I wish my own body had a smaller, tiny, cute penis. I know that if I live and grow old as a man, it will be a constant regret for me, so I accept those "would you press the button?" things.

On the other hand, I can say that I've also embraced masculine things in a shift, like politics, policy, organizational work, etc. Then, I only have male friends (unfortunately), and when I'm out with them, these thoughts generally leave my head. Then, things like "trans women aren't normal," "they have psychological problems," or just hearing things like "p*rn addiction" upsets me. The strangest part is, if a divine voice were to tell me that I'm not actually trans, I would be really upset.

Now, what I want to know is, when will this cycle end? When or how can I really be sure or decide, or what conclusion do you draw from what I've described?

thank you in advance. ❤️❤️

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like do heterosexual men and women like seeing their own bodies in the mirror?

does it depend on whether they are conventionally attractive or not?

also, if someone's heterosexual how do they even instincually feel their bodies as "attractive"/"repulsive"? for me this is has always been a mental process of observation of how ppl rate male bodies, but instinctually i feel as repulsed by a conventually attractive male body as much as by an unattractive one.

transitioning helped at first, because for the first time i had an internal compass of how i want my body to look because im attracted to women. it helped me love myself a little.

but i quickly hit the major issue, faces are the most gendered thing for me, and my face was always going to be a man's face. so its not really possible for me to consider my face "attractive", not because of self esteem, but because its male, and male faces just can never look attractive to me.

detransitioning works as long as i dont think about my looks that much. (which was wat ive been doing all my life before transitioning). but then i want to be attractive to the category of ppl (or even a single person from that category) im attracted to. my brain just short circuits.

it feels very frustrating because i feel like the only true heterosexual person ive known. i cant imagine knowing wat is an attractive man without being slightly bi myself, and im just not. like at all.

When I first transitioned, there was really no "courage" involved. I was 12 and just really convinced transition would fix me. It was all hope, no courage.

Now Im 22 and Ive been thinking about detransition on and off for a few years. I want to detransition, I've taken small steps in doing so, and I do generally consider myself actively detransitioning even though the progress has been imperceivable to anyone else. But theres no hope this time that this is going to "fix" me. Im just stressed and worried I'm wrong on this. Im not convinced Im right at all, I cant figure out exactly what Im feeling despite trying to for years, and Im not all that hopeful for the future or who I will be after this. The only things I do know are: I dont like taking T, I like long hair, I dont like female terminology used for me, and I like having visible upper body muscle. Thats it. And thats not really helpful.

I'm not sure detransitioning is right for me. But I am certain I need to at least try this to know if its right or not. Just thinking on it wont help anymore. I've tried that method for years.

For those who werent 100% convinced this was the right path for them: how did you gather the courage to detransition? Specifically socially, but all aspects too

About 6 years ago, I stopped testosterone after using it for a little over 5 months. During that time, I was certain I was FTM, and I began growing facial hair and my voice masculinized.

6 years later, I’m heavily questioning my gender and my depression is at an all time low over the fact that I have a beard and sound like a man. I deeply regret going on testosterone when I was just a teen, and now here I am full of envy and despair whenever I see/hear women and I hate it. They don’t need to shave a beard or worry about sounding like a male.

I just so badly wish I never did HRT, it feels like such a big mistake now that I’m so much more comfortable with my femininity. I’m extremely grateful to not have gone through with top surgery and still have my breasts.

I know about laser for facial hair and choose not to get it due to the common risk of paradoxical hypertrichosis (even more hair growth). I’m looking into possibly getting electrolysis, but I’m scared it’s going to hurt too much.
As far as my voice goes, I haven’t done much training because it feels like it won’t work for me/feels hopeless.

Is there any other advice I can get for dealing with this?

A letter to myself

It’s not like this just began out of nowhere. You would secretly wear your mother’s sweaters in middle school. You experimented with makeup around the same time too. You wanted to wear a cheerleader’s outfit when you were 8.

You picked crossdressing back up in college. You spent thousands on makeup, clothes, accessories, and perfume. You pimped yourself out online for men and made thousands off of them. You were told how beautiful and pretty you looked. And physically you were. Even as a crossdresser, you were mistaken for being a cis woman by others. You carefully curated outfits and aesthetics.

You flirted with men online and on dating apps. You had a guy obsess over you and he became somewhat close with you.

You got called an egg one day and spiraled. You thought you were trans. You thought it was a real identity. You researched HRT and surgeries. You experimented with pronouns.

But, you also got addicted to porn way too young. And it’s not your fault, that type of content was made way too easily accessible. You learned to sexualize and objectify femininity. You saw trans women online and projected your feelings. You looked at transition timelines and those transwomen who transitioned later and older women in Hollywood and thought “That could be me.”

And of course all of this was arousing. And one might think “Surely, you must be in denial to reject being trans.”

But the truth is…none of this made you happy.

The happiest time of your life was in 2015 when you finished your sophomore year of high school. It was a sunny day and you were coming off a great semester. You were just a boy then listening to “I Wonder” as you were walking back home from a chemistry final exam. And, for the entire rest of the year you felt a bliss that extended beyond happiness.

The amount of times you thought of gender then? 0.

See, autogynephilia is absolutely real. You have it. But the thing is, you never wanted to be a woman. You wanted a pair of tits. You wanted an hourglass figure and smooth skin. You wanted to look sexy. But you never wanted to be a woman. You mistook objectification for confidence and horny DM’s from men as praise.

But self-love doesn’t come from dick pics and body parts. And a woman ain’t her breasts or butt.

Is an old nun who’s had a mastectomy still a woman? Would you want to be her?

What about Harriet Tubman? You know she was whipped all her life and risked her life to free others in her circumstances. She was no model. But she was one hell of a woman. And would you want to be her? Did she ever cross your mind during that whole era of your life?

You know how weird it is to get aroused just putting on a pair of panties? You used to think it was harmless. But think about what you were doing. You had a sexualized relationship with a piece of everyday clothing and thought you were connecting with femininity through doing that.

You were just fetishizing femininity through clothes. That’s why even owning a clothing item as small as that just reinforces that kind of relationship. Crossdressing isn’t always healthy.

But, it doesn’t have to be that way.

You own a pair of women’s doc Martin boots. They make you feel confident. You can still crossdress. Buy a nice pair of women’s work pants from Theory instead of cheap panties from SHEIN. Feel the difference between arousal and empowerment.

Because femininity was never about fetishizing or objectifying.

Things changed once you began seeing women differently. You looked up “female role models” one day. You found Audrey Hepburn and fell in love with her, not the movie star. Reading her biographies about how she survived Nazi occupied Holland as a starving child and toured nations as a UNICEF ambassador while knocking on death’s door with cancer while holding dying children in war zones showed you that femininity ain’t weakness, it’s steel wrapped in silk.

Because the truth is none of those shitty podcast bros or ex military guys selling merch online could’ve led such a masterclass in humility and strength like she did.

When you learned to have female role models and admire femininity for its strength, you changed. And you realized that you don’t have to act as some macho guy or have giant muscles to be strong.

You got rid of all your crossdressing clothes, and many would say you purged and it’ll all come back. But, it didn’t feel like rage. It felt like a gentle letting go. Because the truth is that you’re sitting here typing this while wearing Guerlain Feve Gourmand not because you find it arousing, but because you find it beautiful.

So go out and live your life. You’ve already come so far this year. You moved across the country by yourself, got into a great field, got your own car, quit gaming, started photography, and shed unhealthy connections. You don’t think about gender as much anymore and fill your weekends with activities. There is just so much beauty in aging naturally with grace. Audrey once said she earned every wrinkle. Remember 2015.

It's been 6 years since I've had a double mastectomy and lately I've been waking up every day expecting my breasts to still be where they should be. I feel like my brain has "unmapped" my body and is confused about the amputated parts now that I've realized transitioning was a mistake. It's ridiculous how abruptly it hits you. Two months ago, in my therapist's office, I reluctantly said that I kind of regret not having breasts anymore, still unsure of what to make of it. Today I feel like I will not be able to live the rest of my life with a body that's been surgically altered like that. It's not mine. It was once. These 6 years were some kind of psychotic haze and I feel like the clarity has finally hit.

Later in the article: "...they even recommended going into medically induced early menopause to control the pain. I was only in my early 20s!"

This is the point at which I had to share this. I already noticed immediately that trans & detrans people have so much in common - especially medically. I am lately noticing more and more uncanny and strong similarities between this broad group and people who were never trans.

I had severe chronic pain and body horror starting as my earliest memories. Begged for help, denied, so learned to take care of myself on my own. My childhood was hell. Adults despised children and my health crisis was neglected. Then I developed Chronic Fatigue, was puffy and sickly, and my pain got worse starting age 13. I started fighting to escape and save my life at age 14. I succeeded and got into a youth housing program when I was 17.

This kind of thing is why I urge people to do more research and be curious about the realities of trans & detrans people - rather than simply dismissing it as a "mental illness". If they're already medically gaslit for a real crisis, this only mirrors that. It is very counter productive. Also for anybody who is in a real cult. A desperate person dependent on one option that's bad for them will cling to it.

Pretty much the title but I will give my story as I’m really questioning my gender rn, so I’m 20mtf(hrt since 19 8months today) and I’m questioning why I felt the need to transition and I think it might be internalised homophobia. Ever since I was a young boy I wasn’t really like the other boys but I wasn’t the classic pre homosexual stereotype, I just preferred to play with the girls and do drawing and hated rough loud play, I was outcast by the other boys and was often called a poofter and my grandad would always call me a “Nancy boy”, I never had thoughts of being a girl or wanting to be a girl, anyway, fast forward I hit puberty and am horrified that I started getting sexual thoughts about men and the bullying continued throughout highschool even though I never mentioned my sexuality and tried to be straight by dating girls (it never worked) and I encountered online trans spaces when I was about 15 or so and then the dysphoria started because my story vaguely fits the standard narrative, and it’s then I started feeling dysphoric about my male body and entered a massive depression and I felt like I could only be myself and date men if I was a woman, and I felt really jealous that women got to do all the things I wanted to but I would be judged if I did that, I eventually started hrt at 19 after a mental breakdown from not wanting to be gay anymore and I’m liking the affects so far, but I don’t think I’m actually trans because I never wanted bottom surgery, I don’t feel hurt when people use he/him, I just want to be able to be myself without feeling awful and scared, I’m not out as trans to my family but I’m out as gay and they are all accepting, I more identify as transfeminine or similar vague labels, and the idea of being a woman feels weird and kinda wrong to me, I just don’t want to be a gay man.

Maybe I’m being shallow, but I feel so alienated by the trans community for aesthetic reasons (in addition to the obvious political/ideological ones).

I hate the hyper-online lingo (“deadname” and “egg” etc) creeping into real life. I hate the violent rhetoric and imagery. I hate the expectation to be very comfortable hearing about strangers’ kinks. I hate that every trans woman I meet assumes they can talk to me about Pokemon and that I’ll understand them (I never do). I hate it and I hate being associated with it.

It’s not just online. I’ve seen this culture pop up time and again, in different social circles and in different cities. Over the course of years. In real life.

It’s not as though there was a rich and vibrant trans culture before this current era, but it is so unhealthy and off-putting now.

I hope this is OK to post here. I honestly don’t know where else I could vent about this. I can’t talk to my cis friends about it, because it makes them uncomfortable and they tell me this weird stuff is only online and not in real life. I can’t talk about this in trans spaces because I don’t know how to describe this feeling in terms of pokemon and bdsm. So, I’m posting here.

Basically I’m on my third weekly injection of estrogen and I’ve realized that I like to be feminine but the physical changes that I thought I would like feels like body horror to me and I’m gonna stop injections. It’s all terribly confusing but either way I need to stop as I’m obviously not certain I want this anymore. My problem is, I’ve already developed very small breast buds. Maybe pea size or less. At this early stage can I expect them to get smaller or go away in time? They’re not visible at all but I can feel them. I’m on my third dose and am 4 days away from half life. I’m also scared they’ll get bigger while my estrogen levels are slowly lowering

I'm only capable of entering relationships with men because they're validating my femininity. But in the modern world those obviously come with their own set of hardships. I'd date women if my body wasn't destroyed after years of transitioning. Most of all if I still had my breasts. I feel like a medical post-battle landscape, not a person, and certainly not a woman. The jealousy I feel looking at other women on the street, with their natural bodies that have not been ruined like mine will be the death of me. My life would have been different if the doctors and the trans community just let me be. If I was just allowed to be autistic and unhappy, the way I still fucking am, instead of them trying to "fix" me.

I have 4 weeks of blockers left until i can stop hrt, and im nervous for how my detransition is going to feel physiologically but also am worried about potential complications in the future. I have taken estrogen and testosterone blockers for 5 years now and as much as i feel unhealthy and im already dealing with bone aches from just a 3-day break (no estrogen no testosterone).

Are former transgender women at risk for breast cancer?
Prostate cancer?
Osteoporosis?

And what can we do to prevent?

I looked this up but the studies are pretty complicated to go through