u/Contemplative-Cat-44

About 6 years ago, I stopped testosterone after using it for a little over 5 months. During that time, I was certain I was FTM, and I began growing facial hair and my voice masculinized.

6 years later, I’m heavily questioning my gender and my depression is at an all time low over the fact that I have a beard and sound like a man. I deeply regret going on testosterone when I was just a teen, and now here I am full of envy and despair whenever I see/hear women and I hate it. They don’t need to shave a beard or worry about sounding like a male.

I just so badly wish I never did HRT, it feels like such a big mistake now that I’m so much more comfortable with my femininity. I’m extremely grateful to not have gone through with top surgery and still have my breasts.

I know about laser for facial hair and choose not to get it due to the common risk of paradoxical hypertrichosis (even more hair growth). I’m looking into possibly getting electrolysis, but I’m scared it’s going to hurt too much.
As far as my voice goes, I haven’t done much training because it feels like it won’t work for me/feels hopeless.

Is there any other advice I can get for dealing with this?

Context: I’ve purchased all the parts for a new PC, and I’ve attempted to put it together but it turned out tougher than I thought. I’m not computer savvy, so I’m looking for a place or person who is willing to put it together for me. Anyone have any recommendations? Willing to pay a good amount for the labor.

I recently opened up to my boss about a mental health issue that’s been affecting my ability to work. I was already on a reduced schedule (4 days/week), as well as being in the middle of my last month there (they asked for a months notice instead of 2 weeks) but my depression has been really unpredictable lately and I’ve had to call out a couple times, making me unreliable.

I ended up having a pretty emotional conversation with my boss where I explained that parts of my work environment have been triggering for me (I work around a ton of sharp objects and knives, which trigger self harm urges and are intensified by my hatred of the job). I cried during the conversation and felt like I couldn’t explain things clearly. They were mostly quiet and focused on how they need reliability, and at one point used the word “liability” to describe me, which has been stuck in my head since. They also almost pressured me into a decision asking, “so are you saying you can’t work here anymore?”

In response to that, asked about taking a leave of absence, but they suggested I look into disability instead. We’re supposed to talk again soon to figure out next steps, and I’m feeling really anxious about it.

I can’t stop feeling like I handled everything wrong or overshared too much. I also feel really guilty about how this is affecting them, even though I know I didn’t choose this.

Has anyone else been through something like this? Did I mess up by being too honest about self harm? How do you deal with the guilt after opening up like that at work? How does one even face their boss again after having a talk like this?