u/Fantastic-Tough9610

Since realizing my whole transition was a mistake I can't stop feeling weird phantom sensations in my chest. It probably also doesn't help I started massaging my scars 6 years post-op and touched on some weird nerve bundles there but I feel like I can CONSTANTLY feel my scars and nipples. I can't focus on anything, it's like my brain doesn't believe there's nothing there. Especially my left side hurts and I know I've got a little bit of breast tissue left there.

It's been 6 years since I've had a double mastectomy and lately I've been waking up every day expecting my breasts to still be where they should be. I feel like my brain has "unmapped" my body and is confused about the amputated parts now that I've realized transitioning was a mistake. It's ridiculous how abruptly it hits you. Two months ago, in my therapist's office, I reluctantly said that I kind of regret not having breasts anymore, still unsure of what to make of it. Today I feel like I will not be able to live the rest of my life with a body that's been surgically altered like that. It's not mine. It was once. These 6 years were some kind of psychotic haze and I feel like the clarity has finally hit.

I'm only capable of entering relationships with men because they're validating my femininity. But in the modern world those obviously come with their own set of hardships. I'd date women if my body wasn't destroyed after years of transitioning. Most of all if I still had my breasts. I feel like a medical post-battle landscape, not a person, and certainly not a woman. The jealousy I feel looking at other women on the street, with their natural bodies that have not been ruined like mine will be the death of me. My life would have been different if the doctors and the trans community just let me be. If I was just allowed to be autistic and unhappy, the way I still fucking am, instead of them trying to "fix" me.

I've been speaking in a higher pitch (along with removing vocal weight as much as I'm able to and watching how I resonate) for a week now and it strains my vocal chords a little (sore throat every evening), though admittedly it's still a better-feeling pain than that scratch I get from using my tenor voice.

I know with time you build muscle memory and it's easier to switch up to that voice with less strain, but does it ever actually stop hurting from the chords being too large due to past testosterone influence? How does it feel for you when you speak after having trained it for some time?

I'm 2 months post-breakup with my bipolar boyfriend (ill call him M.). No contact anymore. A breakup is something I can get over eventually but what breaks my heart is that our mutual friends have taken his side. They've accused me of "demonizing" him because I used to vent to them about not being able to understand him or his illness. They've never set a boundary with me, never told me they were uncomfortable with talking about M., only to eventually stop talking to me one day and tell me they were pissed because it was the second time *I* have broken up our hangout group and "they didn't want me talking about their best friend the way I did".

It's really depressing for me because one of them had been my friend for 3 years. He just doesn't understand that he'd never get the full extent of emotional cruelty from M., be met with complete indifference by someone he loved. He can't fucking understand that the stability of their *guy friendship* is not the measure of what M. is capable of in intimate relationships. I'm the cruel one, always, it is my fault, M. is just depressed and suffering. People have no idea what it's like. I'm relieved none of my other friends have ever got to know M. or grown close to him. I would've lost even more people now, because they just wouldn't get how it feels to suddenly have someone treat you like you've never meant anything to them.

I'm 2 months post-breakup with my bipolar ex. He's not in therapy, unmedicated. We were together for 3 months, we understood each other perfectly, barely had to speak, both on the autism spectrum, and it felt like the truest, purest love I've experienced. He really did seem okay, finally healing from his turbulent lifestyle of years prior, wanting to start a new life in a different city. He had moments of shutting down when he was feeling bad but we got through those.

He broke up with me after I sent him a long message in which I talked about being taken for granted and unwanted. He was growing increasingly depressed and I, selfishly, touched on the subject of us not seeing each other as often anymore and how it was painful for me. I never intended to break up with him but I can see how the message could have felt like an ultimatum. He broke up with me in harsh words, then, a few hours later, normal again, explained his decision, told me he felt like he was failing me and that at that point in his life (shitty job, legal issues) he didn't feel like he could be a good partner. He agreed that he wanted to stay friends.

Contact got weak as he was spiraling into a depressive episode. Meanwhile I was spiraling from being abandoned (I have anxious attachment and severe trauma from growing up). I sent him messages one day about how it felt like he was dead and how I didn't understand how he could treat me like the air now. I said some mean things, but he concluded it in a healthy manner, just told me he felt terrible and that I should think before lashing out at people, which was fair.

We barely talked after that, but there were days when he felt better and he'd text me himself. But I was still spiraling. Back then I had no knowledge of the disorder and the situation just made my feelings of abandonment worse.

I ultimately ruined it for good by blocking him one day. My reasoning was that I would never stop fishing for crumbs of attention from him if I could contact him, so I cut contact, for myself. During that time he texted me about a camera I was supposed to give him back and the messages didn't reach me. He was angry and asked me to mail it, by SMS. I did. Every attempt at contact since then (by sms as he's blicked me everywhere, including soundcloud, after I blocked him on two platforms) was a disaster and I'm pretty sure he hates me now.

Part of me says a healthy person wouldn't be able to speak to me as cruelly as he did when I texted him one day. Another part knows I alienated him with my behavior. I wanted to know if there are people with bipolar disorder here who've experienced something like this and could tell me how it is from their perspective. Do I just give him time (a lot of it) or am I crossed off forever now? He did tell me to move on and just "live with what I did". I intend to do so but guilt is making it impossible for me to let go.