r/actual_detrans

I think the title is pretty self-explanatory, thank u for any replies.

i'm 19, going to have been on T for 2 years in July. i had always been on the nonbinary spectrum but once I turned 18 and could finally get on hormones i just stuck myself into the "man" box because i thought it was easier and what i wanted at the time.

i now had a rerealization that im nonbinary and want to play around with a feminine presentation. im pre-top, but i think i still want it. i've been in prior-authorization limbo for it, it was denied and tried to send in an appeal but im not sure if insurance ever got the appeal.

Anyways, I want to get off T but wanting top kind of complicates things a bit? I'm not sure if insurance will cover if i'm not on HRT. and also i think my surgeon might not really operate on nonbinary people?? i didn't ask but i don't think he will remove nipples or do less masculinization of the chest if you ask.

but i Really don't want to be on T anymore. I slept past my appointment with my HRT provider i was supposed to see like last week, and the next time i was able to schedule was july. should i lower my dose myself? or keep taking it as prescribed? considering this is like a medication i should probably keep with my current dose. but i don't know ahh!!

A very short post, but i was treated horribly as a woman. Nobody ever listened to me, i was catcalled constantly, and i was seen as a "dumb blonde" even though i blew all of my classmates out of the water.

I guess it's easier to be taken seriously as a man. Nobody questions me about my knowledge of car mechanics as a guy, but when i was wearing pretty dresses, i got constantly talked down to, even if i was more knowledgeable in my field than whatever dude was talking to me. Not only that, even other women would make fun of girls, simply for existing. I know this is due to internalised misogyny and what women have to deal with, but having lived through it once, idk if i have the strength to deal with that again.

It's almost like the uncomfortability of being a man is better than the mistreatment of being a woman. How did you all do it? Being seen as a man was the first time i was ever actually seen.

I feel crippling embarrassment when I think about telling other people about detransitioning. It feels embarrassing for me to have been so wrong, and to have taken so many steps just to not be trans in the end. Even thinking about reconstruction surgery, I can feel “crazy” for removing my chest and then having it reconstructed. How do I cope with and communicate this experience in a healthier light? All I want to do is close my eyes, go back to the way I was, and pretend this never happened (which is impossible).

I've heard a take about hrt being "experimental", I'd like to hear first-hand opinions from people who are not here to demonize it or have a very obvious right-wing bias. Thank you for the replies.

Just took the leap and shaved my face for the first time. It’s wild seeing myself completely without facial hair for the first time in 6+ years. I have a feeling that my skin might not be too happy with me tomorrow. Any advice on shaving/other hair removal methods?
Now that I’m facial hair free I feel like my ability to pass as a man has gone down significantly but I also don’t pass as female yet. Any advice on how to navigate that in between? I’m scared that if I go into the men’s bathroom/locker room, I’ll be clocked as female but I’m also scared that if I go in the women’s bathroom/locker room, I’ll be misidentified as a trans woman (just to be clear: I honestly wouldn’t really care about people thinking I’m a trans woman if it weren’t for the danger.)

Yesterday I posted about how nervous I was for my breast reconstruction. Well today I had it done and everything went so well!

All the hospital staff were extremely kind and helpful. I was worried I'd have to pay something beforehand but I did not. The worst part honestly was getting the IV put in because it took the nurse two tries. After I woke up I was shaky and crying uncontrollable but not upset at all, it was just a physical reaction. The nurse said it was normal and gave me a couple blankets. I was terrified that i would wake up and immediately regret my decision but that was not the case at all. Actually my only little bit of regret is saying no when the surgeon asked if I'd like to get bigger implants if they fit lol. I had some pain in the recovery room which they medicated me for and then i was fine. Currently having minor pain about 4 hours later, about to take my dose of pain killers. I was very awake and alert and felt refreshed after waking up. I was given oxycodone for pain relief, zofran for nausea, and doxycycline antibiotics.

If you're considering reconstruction feel free to ask me questions about the process. Thank you, seriously, from the bottom of my heart, everyone who took a second to comment on my last post. It helped me so so much.

I am bigender but still definitely wanting to partially detransition to female in some social settings. I really want to do more things in my life that make me feel safe as a woman. I’ve had a lot of bad experiences being a girl and now that I’m a woman I just feel very afraid of it. I always think about girls nights out, women’s groups, things like that but always feel like I’m not welcome because I’m bigender. I have facial hair still and want to keep it. I’ve had top and bottom surgery. I’m happy I’ve done these things but sometimes I regret it for the fact that it’s made me so cut off from being a woman. I just want to feel like I can capture it.

hi. i might just be going through another phase of imposter syndrome, but i’m transmasc agender and just wanted to hear why detrans people might’ve believed they were trans and how they discovered they weren’t. thank you :) give as much detail as you would like

The hardest part of this for me is imagining the reactions when I tell people. My parents I think will be devastated because they asked so much if I was sure and were not happy about me transitioning but accepted me because they thought like I did it was what I needed to do. Because I told them it was. And I was wrong. My brother has been transphobic towards me since I came out and is the only one who still refused to call me my chosen name and pronouns. He said to me earlier on he'd "never give up on me" while being a complete asshole the whole time so I still don't want anything to do with him even if he was annoyingly kinda right. I don't think I'd still be here if I didn't transition and live that way for the past 7 years though, so even though I regret making the mistake I did, I can't say I fully regret my transition. I regret a lot of the changes it made to my body. And I'm not sure I can ever pass as female fully again and I didn't even pass fully as male a lot of the time. I'm some in between that doesn't feel right for me.

I don't know, basically I just keep thinking about how to tell people and possible reactions and it's all just constantly swimming round my head drowning my brain and I can't sleep or feel okay. I'm terrified to admit it to them, and to fully admit it to myself still I think. I feel like I've ruined myself and wasted years thinking I was trans and wallowing in this self-made pit and now I don't know how to get out of it. I don't know how to move past it. I feel like it's too late and it took so long for everyone to get used to calling me he, I can't ask them to change it again. Before starting medical transition I was suicidal multiple times with the thought that testosterone and top surgery would save me. What was that if I'm not trans? How was I so wrong? I don't know what this even is but basically I don't know how to move forward and accept this and tell everyone else I made such a huge mistake that has not only affected me massively but them as well?

Being online and in real life, I barely see any black or poc person drransitioning? Why is that?

Won't be suprised if there's a couple of us out there whose like me, genderfluid or not identifying as ftm, and black.

What the title says. To put it lightly... Transitioning has not been the journey of self-discovery that I hoped it would be. I just don't care about things like makeup or feminine clothing or anything like that. I prefer my body to be feminine, preferably female, but being female isn't possible, so I'd prefer to have a feminine body as a man. I prefer to be called feminine terms, but at my core I am male. It's sort of like those anime characters being called she/her and they're like "actually, i'm a boy". Still "transfeminine", just... a guy as my fundamental gender.

Idk exactly what I'm asking here... I guess for support? Community? I was pointed here when asking about detransitioning in the MtF subreddit. Your own stories would be greatly appreciated :3

I've been thinking about the directions of gender envy and how they impacted my self-conceptualization when I first transitioned.

To illustrate:

• for FTMs/FTMTFs, some want to transition so they can express femininity without it being tied to "being a woman".
• others may want to because they can express masculinity and have it not tied to "being a woman" and/or be socially rewarded.

That's probably an unnecessary binarization (lol) of it, but it is something that has been interesting to think about.

For those two though, I definitely feel like I was in the latter camp - when I was first questioning, I very much felt like I was a man innately and my biology didn't match. And I'm only questioning detransition after being trans for about 9 years (medically trans for ~7), as... well, living as a man does kind of make sense to me.

I am a bit more naturally masculine, and I think the majority of my desire to detransition comes from the fact I've now seen more representation of GNC/masc women who aren't (only!) socially penalised for the way they present, and are attracted to men, and I think that is more aligned to who I am and how I want to live.

I'm just curious to hear how others' experiences of gender envy were, and how your perception of it has changed when you realised you were questioning again/detransitioning.

I went from feeling super excited to extremely anxious this past weekend. I know unequivocally that I want these implants, I can't keep living with the burden of having no breasts and brooding about what I lost when I was just 16. But now that it's actually happening I'm so scared about getting there on time, going under the knife, paying for it. The hospital wanted me to prepay an amount double what my insurance said it would be because they miscalculated my coinsurance. The lady I spoke to in billing was really kind and noted the discrepancy in my chart and said I wouldn't have to prepay but it still screwed with my head. I could pay it if it was that much but it would suck since I was saving for grad school.

I also have OCD, it was debilitating when I was younger and I had gotten to a point where it wasn't really affecting my life anymore but since like friday I've been experiencing a wave of intrusive thoughts and compulsions, performing my old rituals. And now I'm worried that the stress will affect my healing 🤦‍♀️

Again I really do want this surgery. I've wanted it for longer than I was on T. But going into my mastectomy as a teenager I didn't have any of this medical anxiety and it's caught me way off guard. It's especially hard because most of my friends aren't aware that I'm detrans so I don't have a lot of people to talk to. Anyways, vent over, I'd appreciate some kind words and reassurance, especially if you've had a successful reconstruction.

I came out in high school as a transgender (ftm). I’m having a really hard time right now because I am also sick with an immunologic issue and I can’t tell if the testosterone is making it worse. I am all of the sudden getting uncomfortable with being perceived as male. I am confused because I remember hating my chest and feeling uncomfortable with it, but I also worry I can never be an acceptable man either. I wanted to be a man but I never feel tall enough, still look feminine, etc). I don’t know what to do. I’m post op so I worry I can never go back to the way I was.

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I (31 f) have been out as ftm since summer of 2024 and on t since September of the same year. Last year I went through a relationship and breakup that drastically altered my worldview and perspective of myself and I've been doing a lot of internal work to correct certain behaviors/mindsets as a result. I've also been repairing my relationship with my higher power for a few years and that has really amped up in the last few months to the point that I have returned to my family's faith after reconciling with them in February of this year.

I want to be clear that while my family & religion don't believe transition is "right", my family and community/work associates have all been kind and accommodating toward me in how I've been identifying and this conflict I'm having is purely internal/of my own volition.

Here are my main considerations for potentially detransitioning:

\- my faith is important to me and I do hold the belief that we are created the way we are for a reason. I was made female for a purpose and this isn't something I should run away from

\- I am a csa/ repeat SA and abuse survivor & I have strong reasons to believe that this coupled with bullying around my masculine interests and masc associated personality traits (I was raised middle class the rural southern US) are the primary sources of my gender dysphoria. I associate womanhood and being treated/seen as female with a general lack of autonomy and safety. I feel safer identifying and being treated like a man.

\- I want to get married again and am attracted to men.

\- I don't want to be on medication for the rest of my life or deal with the health risks involved in long term HRT usage or go through the various, very expensive surgical procedures that would be required to pass.

\- I want to accept all of myself as I am, including my body. As I mentioned above. I am very suspicious that my dysphoria is a trauma response, and if that's true then choosing to transition would be an escape route from doing the work of healing the issues I have with my body and womanhood.

Here are some reasons I am really scared to get off T, and detransition in general:

\- I have a sports injury that is severely impacted by the occurrence of my menstrual cycle and I don't want to go back to living with that - I should mention here that my faith does not approve of any form of birth control, and I also have a migraine condition that makes it dangerous for me to be on hormonal BC anyway. But more or less I don't want to have a period.

\- I really enjoy the added muscle strength I've gotten from T and I know from experience that it'll be much harder to maintain without it.

\- working through my triggers is going to be hard as hell and I'm scared.

\- prior to transition I was very hypersexual and hyper feminine. I hated this but it's such a strong trauma response that when I think about detrans I immediately associate womanhood with these behaviors and I am afraid of slipping back into them. I know that masculine women exist. I know that women aren't inherently hypersexual. just don't know how to give myself permission to exist without putting on some kind of mask. But the the more I've prayed and spent time alone with myself (not inside of an extremely insular queer community which I was a part of before I moved back to my home state) the more I feel I've traded one mask for another.

I don't know how to end this post, but I appreciate any heartfelt responses. Suggestions and personal experience shares are appreciated.

Ik this might sound absolutely ridiculous but one of the reasons I thought I was trans (FTM) was because of anime boys. They can be so so sooo pretty but are still considered men? And honestly, if I could be a pretty anime boy I still would want to be??? But like, in my games only… or maybe in another world where men are actually that gorgeous. It just feels like a fun dream to have and I wish I realized that’s all it needed to be sooner, instead of believing it was another sign bc other girls couldn’t really relate. Cuz ig wanting to be a boy at all, even if only in ur fantasies or hypotheticals, isn’t normal?

Idk if this makes me lesbian or just really into pretty boys, but if anyone gets it and has figured themselves out plz lmk. This wasn’t my onlyyy reason for believing I was trans but I definitely think it influenced me a lot. I think younger me was just sheltered and didn’t understand that living as a man is very, very different from pretending I am one in a game. I only learned once I tried it. And also, like I said before, that other women didn’t have to relate for me to still be okay with my assigned birth gender :’)

Btw I’m an adult, lol. I feel like this post screams kid who just learned to differentiate media vs reality. I genuinely don’t know why I’m like this?? 😭😭