r/actual_detrans

Hey everyone!
I (F23) transitioned from female to male in 2022. I went on T for almost 2 years and had top surgery in 2023. During this period I thought I was transgender mostly because of the discomfort I felt with my breasts and being sexualised. I had trauma from being sexualised for my breasts, which had me completely detached from my breasts and anything to do with femininity. 

Now I feel odd. I know that I am a woman and that because of my autism (which I got diagnosed with in 2024) I experience discomfort with gender and being sexualised and that top surgery removed the discomfort for a couple of years, but now I do want boobs again. I am very lucky to have a boyfriend who does not care if I have boobs or not and accepts me as I am and sees me as the woman I am, but I want society to see me as female (again) too. People mistake me for a boy because of my flat chest and lower voice, but I feel like if I had boobs again, I'd feel better about myself.

I realise it's no good to rely on external validation and I don't actually need the validation of others (although it feels nice). I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin again.

Now my concern: I am scared that if I get boobs again, I will get overstimulated by them and want to remove them again (I am also scared the surgery's results won't be nice). At the same time, I'd love to be able to wear girly clothes again without looking like a teenage boy and to just feel 'like my old self' again. I got them removed mostly because of the sexual trauma so I am not sure how much of it is because of the discomfort. Although I felt discomfort with them ever since they started growing, I never actually thought about removing them before the trauma happened.

I am currently going to my old genderpsychologist again because I need her approval for a breast reconstruction. We are now trying to answer the question of how we can avoid the same thing from happening again after reconstruction (so I wont get disgusted by my chest again). I have learned a lot about myself the past couple of years and I now know why I transitioned, but how do I know I wont regret reconstruction?

Are there people here with a similar experience or advice?
Thank you for responding in advance!

Very specific, but I have transitioned at 18 through the TSG. I wanted to detransition through the Selbstbestimmungsgesetz. The office is unsure how to deal with this and told me I will have to take my old deadname, instead of choosing a name that - in short form - is the same nickname my friends and colleagues used for the last 15 years. Others say it should be possible to take a new name, because the old TSG basically erased the old deadname out of my file.

Did anyone go through a similar process? I am very confused at this and am waiting for an answer from the office since the last 2 weeks. I don’t like the wait, because I will still have to wait 3 more months after submitting my form anyways and if I knew that I will have to take my old deadname anyways, then I can skip the wait and just send them in.

I’m ftmtx, I transitioned to male at 14, thinking that I simply has to be that. There was no way someone could look like me, act like me, be like me, and be a cis woman. I thought I looked far too masculine, and I hated fitting into the patriarchal standard of womanhood. In order to survive this life, I had to live it as a man. It’s safer, it’s what I should be, not what I want to be. And I confused this for gender dysphoria. I mean, maybe it was? I can never be sure, I can never go back into my teenage mind and understand why going on hormones and getting surgery felt so important, but it did.

Now that I’m in my mid 20s, and have deconstructed a lot of what it means to be a man or a woman in society, I’ve realized I don’t NEED to conform to anything, people will either respect me or they won’t, trying to pretend to be a man won’t make me any happier. And in that process, I’ve related a lot to trans women, in how they describe accepting their female identity? I would never call myself a trans woman of course, but as someone that lived as a man for almost a decade, and now is transitioning to a more feminine identity, and doesn’t mind being called a woman, it just feels like there’s so much relatability to their experiences. (As someone who’s been close friends with a lot of trans women, this is how I’ve gotten to know their experience a bit more intimately)

On top of that, I really don’t relate to cis women. I have two cis sisters, and the way they’ve always known and accepted their identity, it’s just so foreign to me. I have to make genuine efforts to pass as a woman now, and sometimes, society doesn’t view me as a woman, no matter what I do. Yet I still persist, I won’t go back to living life as a man, as it’s not my truth.

I hope none of this comes off as too strange or problematic. I’m wondering if anyone else feels this way?

I have only recently accepted that I'm detrans. I decided to make a new account specifically for posting in these support groups because apparently it makes me a borderline terf. I looked in my profile to see why someone would think that, because I'm the kind of person to openly defend trans ppl (...considering i still am one...).

The only thing that could lead someone to think such a thing is the fact I posted in detrans subs...even though all my comments in detrans subs were supportive comments on vent posts???

I don't even know what to say or think, this is kind of just my biggest nightmare. People thinking I'm a bad person for something beyond my control. I'm trying to not absolutely spiral over this, I have moral ocd so this feels torturous 😭

Being detrans makes me feel horrible guilt, so I think I deserve the ostracisation. The one thing that absolutely fucking terrifies me about being detrans is that I'm doing something deeply wrong and hurtful to trans people, and if people are reacting to me that way, then it only makes sense that I AM doing something hurtful. It just happens that that hurtful thing is being myself. Just fucking kill me.

I am mainly speaking from my trans woman / mtft? perspective and my observations from other trans women I've met.

I don't pass and people oftentimes just see me as a "trans person", not even a trans woman (2 years hrt). I also never had a "crossdressing phase" and don't care that much about feminine presentation.

I'm less confident than before, less outgoing and have much more anxiety. Before, I passed as a typical, tall cishet man, now I am an uncanny trans person.

But meeting other trans women irl I don't think this problem is that much related to level of passing or being conventionally attractive.

Maybe it is related to how much you're fine with being seen as trans? It's fine because still you feel like you can "finally be yourself" because of transition, regardless of what others think?

I feel the reverse, because I'm trans, I cannot live as myself. At least if I get read as a cishet man, I'm being seen as "neutral" most of the time by (patriarchal) society. As visibly trans, I am constantly shown that I am not being seen as a woman. And because I don't really care about my presentation, I can't go: this is me, I don't care what you think.

In short, I think I am a trans woman, but transition did not make me feel better.

I would be interested what you think about this question.

I have heard of biochemical dysphoria but I don’t know if it’s real or not. The thing is I want to stop T and start laser as I don’t really like the effects T has had on my body (especially the hair part) but I still consider myself as genderqueer/non-binary. I have noticed that my mental health has gotten better since T, even before the first results started appearing, but that might also be due to the fact that my general life conditions got better around the same time because of other reasons. Basically, I’m worried I might get depressed because of T withdrawal, and I was wondering if you experienced that, and if it lasted only for a while or if it stayed with you. I was thinking of maybe continuing T but microdosing, to use it just as medication for mental health. But then, would laser be effective while continuing T ?
I was also wondering if MtFtMs also experienced that.

Long story short, I was a trans guy for many years and very far along in my medical transition. I realized I'm a lesbian then realized I'm a woman lmao, albeit a genderqueer and gender nonconforming woman! I really enjoy the masculine body that I have from T. Honestly, I'd say I'm 95% happy with my body, but I really miss having breasts.

I know top surgery removes almost all breast tissue, but that does leave some behind. I like the idea of having even a tiny amount of breast growth that is genuinely mine. When I was on birth control for a couple months a few years before my top surgery (nexplanon implant), my breasts got huge. So it makes me wonder if it's worth trying just to see? I don't know. I would be happy with anything. I just want something that feels like my own body. I cannot afford any kind of surgery without financial support from my parents, who I don't plan to tell for quite a long time (ideally never but that sounds unlikely lmao). And even with their help, honestly I still don't think I could afford it.

AMAB person considering restarting MTF hrt but want to have a contingency plan in place in case i end up regretting it and detransitioning.

part of that is understanding what it would be like to live with the irreversible changes.

I don’t care about fertility loss and as I understand, most other most changes such as fat distribution and muscle mass loss are reversible with time (assuming your testes are intact)

the only thing I worry about is developing larger breasts that I cannot hide without binding, and Id rather not have to get top surgery.

i have been on Estrogen before and have small breasts as a result, but they are small enough for most people not to notice or treat me any differently.

but what about those of you who have noticeable breasts and who now have gone back to living as men? what is that like?

Do they take away from your quality of life beyond just causing dysphoria?

Have they caused any health problems for you?

what about socially? Do they cause others to perceive you as any gender other than male?

I don't know... I just need someone to tell this to....

I've been through a whole lot my entire life. I feel like i've lived seven lives and I'm only 19

I just removed my chosen name from my college documents

& I decided I would make that name my middle name instead. I love it a lot but as unisex as it is, it really is a much more masculine name than I think I should have. Besides, my family gave me a cultural middle name to a culture I have no ties to which was always a bit odd-- it really needed replacing. And I like to be called both names... they don't bother me at all.

I just can't believe I've gotten to a point where I feel so free of worry about gender.

I was really abused all my life, and was unable to be a tomboy. I had a pretty common situation of not being able to express my masculinity as a female so I just thought the only way was to become a guy, really. Not to mention I was also so confused over my body and uncomfortable growing up in one that was really masculine due to a condition I have

Things change, people change

I'm really nervous to go back to college all feminine compared to before and have a new name. Terrified actually, after all, being a girl was always terrifying...I was abused for it. But I'm away from those people now and I don't have to live according to every impulsive thought of gender dysphoria and trauma anymore.

I personally have found so much joy in my new faith and feel so indifferent to gender now...

I am female therefore I am a woman and ... that's it. I don't have to feel like a woman I just am and that's OK

I even met the first person who I feel safe with, my long term boyfriend and I feel so incredibly cherished as a masculine woman, so safe to be just natural. He made me realize I had no idea what it felt like to be loved, respected, safe... I can be so masculine and gross and silly with him and still be so loved. I don't have to pretend to be anything I'm not, he is my best friend. Having someone who truly cares for you and respects you for you, for who you are inside, not what gender you are, is the best feeling in the world and heals so much

I'm just so happy.. I feel so free!!!!!!

This is all terrifying but so , so freeing.

I had a question for those of y’all who detransitioned/questioned and decided to stay transitioned.

What made you decide that detransitioning was right for you. Has anyone who still thought they were trans detransitioned to avoid anxiety? If so how was your experience and what choice would you make if you were in that position now?

A bit more about my situation:
I MTF 25 have been on hormones for about 4 years. I pass decently at a glance but am still pretty clearly trans during any prolonged interaction.

I am mostly happy with my transition. I still have dysphoria but it’s greatly reduced. I feel more at peace with myself both internally and externally. And I have positive feelings regarding my transition, if only for the experience and everything I learned.

Despite all this I have crippling anxiety. I’m constantly hypervigilant in EVERY SINGLE interaction I never had anxiety this bad pre transition. It’s preventing me from doing so many things and making me think that it would be easier to detransition with a much more expansive view on gender.

I blame most of my anxiety on existing as a visibly trans woman. I’m chasing an unrealistic standard of passing that I could only dream about with surgeries, even then it may not be enough. I do think I’m capable of living as a man, it’s not my ideal life but I I’d probably manage. I could just be a pretty guy with acrylics.

That thought does make me a bit sad, I won’t get to grow old as a woman, never be able to call myself a mother, and will have to re-come out to family, work, and friends (who will use it as a transphobic « told you so »)

But compared with the prospect of social ostracization, anxiety, the constant effort to « pass better » and the rise of hostile legislation, I am unsure which option is right for me.

TLDR: I do believe I’m trans and I’m happy I transitioned. I’m also incredibly anxious about existing as a visibly trans person and it’s putting my life on hold. I do not know whether choosing internal peace or external comfort is the right path forward.

Does anyone amab here have any experience with gyno surgery? Do you regret it or are you glad you got it? If I show a before and after Pic of my chest post estrogen can you tell me what you think looks better? Thanks!

Disclaimer : I'm not interested in retransitionning, and even if I was I can't for practical reasons. I'm not repping either please actually read the post before making these comments.

TLDR : I like some effects of HRT but can't be trans or risk being found. I also need to get surgery to better fit my gender role. I'm not really convinced by the "you should just be yourself" discourse. I don't have an actual identity so I'd rather avoid discrimination. I also want to swim again, be incognito in public again and be competitive on the dating scene.

I (AMAB) have been on E for a good while now, and overall I've come to appreciate the effects on my mood and feelings. Just to be clear : I'm not a normal individual. I don't have an identity in the way you do. For me the practical aspects overcome the sentimental (that why transition was a dead end), and I don't have as much feelings as other people do. Being on E brought some semblance of "peace" as well as some new sensations (won't call them feelings cause they're very quiet, I'd say around 10% the strength). It also brought a lot of balance, my mood now is very stable (I used to fear I may have been bipolar which now as not been an issue since).

I really don't like it on T because I fear losing all this, on T I just feel anger, frustration and arousal, nothing else behind. I also don't really like the way my skin and overall body looks on T (I know hiting the gym while targetting aesthetics instead of performance will help me).

On the other hand I can't really continue HRT in the future. I don't feel a real need to transition especially because I figured out my "trans feelings" mostly come from unresolved personality disorders or maybe PTSD (that would be really embarassing given how good I've had it in my life) I can't really get diagnosed for work reasons, and that would be stupid anyways given how little therapy helps for my kind of people. I fear that HRT might one day impact me negatively in my career if my employers found out I kept taking it.

I also need to convince myself to get top surgery, to better fit. I miss being free to do what I want, and I'd line to stop being a potential target in the future. I'm not interested in fighting for LGBTQ+ rights actively, so I'd rather not have it be a personal concern due to some disgreement I've had with the community in the past on a moral level. I also really miss being able to go to the swimming pool, and wearing dress shirts without binding. Finally, I'd rather have the possibility to date. My current relationship is going in a wall, and I don't want to be forced to date trans people. It's not that I don't like trans people, it's that I think me being detrans will ultimately be an issue on a "political" level and I'd rather have a normal dating pool. Me having breasts has a serious on my competitivity against other men. My opponents don't have to rely on finding poly women after all.

Edit : Also, I'm really concerned with penile shrinkage, so I need to stop ASAP to keep what I can. I feel like the "use it or lose it" at most saves a couple inches but that it unevitably ends becoming useless. That would also impact my competitivity and trigger huge body frustration.

Sorry if that sounds insensitive, I didn't mean to offend anyone. I'm more used to the other sub but I'm getting tired with their obsession against trans people.

Anyway, anyone relating ?

Feeling extremely unsure about going through with T, I’ve only been on it for 4 months, I’ve enjoyed some of the changes, but have become an anxious person, and weirdly, have started to accept and like my feminine aspects more… I have good facial hair genetics, so I now have to shave, I thought it would be exciting, but it’s brought me a lot of discomfort, which tells me this might not be right for me

So I’d rather hop off early until I’m fully sure of things

Anyway, that part is me ranting, I’d like to mentally prepare myself for the hormone drop, for those who have gone off T, how did you feel immediately? How long did it take for your hormones to “level out”/period to come back? (Particularly if you weren’t on T for that long, I know it varies a lot)

How bad is the brain fog? I’m in a really demanding course so I’m a bit scared of it 😵‍💫

I don't even know where to start with this post, it's been a long time coming. I'm afab and I've been questioning for 6+ fucking years or something, every single fucking day and night. It's all I can think about sometimes, and even know when I'm pretty sure I'm not trans at all I can't let it go.

I'm gonna try to keep this short (I failed, sorry for the wall of text) but basically I had NO signs at all as a child, not a single one. And I don't mean "yeah I wanted to be a boy but didn't have the words for it" or whatever, I mean I legitimately was happy with my agab and had a total of zero signs or any indication of being anything but cishet. Then when I was a teen something happened, it's not something I talk about so I'm going to be vague but it did very much involve the... more intimate parts of my body I guess (and no it's not as bad as you're probably thinking). That specific event made me absolutely disgusted with myself and with my body, with the feminine parts of it, and made me question if I wanted to be afab at all.

At first I didn't even have much dysphoria or anything, I was perfectly fine with my pronouns and deadname and at most I wanted a binder but no medical transition at all. But then over time I suddenly started becoming more and more dysphoric about every single little thing, and now it's gotten to the point where I can't even call myself a g*rl without wanting to throw up despite the fact that it's objectively what I am.

The reason I'm saying all this is because I don't think any of it is genuine. I think having dysphoria/being trans was just an easy escape from what happened, an easy way to explain all the problems I had in life. But I spent so long convincing myself that I totally must be trans that it's been downright impossible to let go of that idea, despite all the evidence that I'm cis (or rather, the lack of evidence that I'm not cis).

I still just wish so fucking badly that I could be a guy, but I don't think I ever can. I'm extremely fucking humiliatingly short, I have an extremely fem body, I know I could never pass no matter the amount of hrt or surgeries I could get. Not to mention that I can't even get any of that in the foreseeable future, and I'm already 20+ and I feel it's already been way too late for me to start transitioning for years. And what if I eventually end up transitioning and ultimately regret it? There's also my parents and how I don't want to disappoint them by turning out queer, but that's a whole different topic I don't want to go into right now. I just wish I could've been born a guy, but that's just not possible now...

Except I'm not even sure if that's what I really want or if that's just what I've convinced myself I want, due to all those years thinking that I must totally be trans. It's killing me, I keep going in circles between "I need to transition right fucking now I need to be a guy" and "who am I fucking kidding I could never be a guy I've only deluded myself"...

I'm not even sure what I'm looking for by posting this. To be told that I sound actually trans and should transition? To be told I'm probably cis and how to cope with letting go of the idea I've been so fixated on for almost half my life? I don't know, it's the middle of the night as I'm typing this and I just feel like shit, there's so much I wanted to say with this post that I don't even know how to properly articulate...

Hey! I am not detransing but I am thinking of stopping T to delay male pattern baldness. I am 5 years and more on T and totally passing. I wonder if its Better to go on microdosing (1 puff of gel) or stopping totally.

I dont want to detransition, but i wonder how much i will go back even if i will not make any effort to look feminine. I have (not full) beard and i am very hairy.

And do hair effectively regrow?

Some background: I transitioned FTM from 16-22, I took T and legally and socially transitioned. Including all legal documents changed.
At 22 I started to detransition back to female. At 23 I got pregnant. 24 had a baby. Currently 25, I consider my detransition finished. I feel like I’ve essentially returned to being cis. The only thing I’m waiting on still is my birth certificate to get fixed but that’s very minor imo. I pass 100% as a woman. My voice isn’t deep, I even get compliments on it lol. Everything that they said wouldn’t reverse did reverse. I’m a single mom in the dating world and I’m curious am I obligated to disclose that I’m a detransitioner? I personally don’t feel the need to tell anyone anymore but I’m curious what others think.

Long vent incoming. I'm 24, ftm, and have been socially transitioned since I was 13 but because of financial reasons I was only able to start T at 22. I'm very tenuously stealth at work and to a certain portion of my friend group, and I get gendered correctly almost 100% of the time by strangers but I think it's entirely because of my masculine mannerisms and visible facial hair. I still have a really high voice (to be fair, it dropped from the very high end of the female range to solidly in the middle, lol) and a very feminine body shape that hrt has not affected at all and that I would have to get serious liposuction to correct (I've received a lot of uncomfortable comments about the size of my ass over the years...). I'm also fairly short and have a generally small frame, and even the people who wholeheartedly believe I'm a cis guy don't take me seriously as a man, which is endlessly frustrating. And even though the facial hair is certainly visible, it's patchy and gross.

But even aside from the fact that my transition is having subpar results, I'm just kind of.... exhausted with the whole process. I hate the constant doctor's appointments, the insurance and pharmacy nightmares, having to justify my whole existence to people in my life who know and having to endure less than favorable opinions of people like me from people who don't know. I don't want to spend the remainder of my 20's saving up money for surgeries and getting surgeries and recovering from surgeries. Hell, I don't even have anyone in my life that would be able or willing to take care of me after top surgery. And I'd like to be able to spend my money on other things, like traveling or going back to school or even just better quality food. Also, this is a more controversial point, but I just hate feeling like a freak and a loser. Most of my friends are cis and straight, and the ones who wanted to transition at some point all decided against it in favor of their relationships and careers, and I feel like they're judging me for actually deciding to transition instead of just growing out of it. And honestly, most of my trans friends are unemployed or broke or in some weird codependent relationship situation so I can't say I really blame that line of thinking.

The main thing keeping me from detransitioning is that... I actually am trans. I like being called he/him pronouns and treated as male. I love all the effects that testosterone has had on me (besides maybe the acne but I've made my peace with that). Growing facial and body hair is dope, bottom growth is fun and intriguing, it's nice no longer sounding like a prepubescent girl when I speak, and no periods?? Increased muscle mass? It's so awesome. I really don't want to give all this up. I'm also so wildly unfeminine that when I came out pretty much no one was surprised; I had multiple people tell me I was never good at being a girl in the first place. That's not to say that being feminine would make me less trans, but I feel like I would have a really hard time adjusting to "living as a woman" if I were to detransition.

On the other hand, I think I would have an easier time detransitioning than a lot of ftmtfs in a lot of respects. I haven't had any surgeries yet (although I think I would still want a hysterectomy if I were to detrans; I hate getting periods and don't want kids) and beyond needing to pass as a woman for safety reasons I wouldn't really care about being seen as "female enough" since I don't really identify with womanhood at all. I'm also not into men, and not into the concept of relationships in general, so I wouldn't have to concern myself with being seen as attractive. Plenty of people in my life would look down on me for changing my mind but to be honest nobody really respects me or takes me seriously anyways so it would kind of just be par for the course.

I guess to summarize this whole mess I just typed: I'm sick and tired of thinking about being trans, I just want to live my life without this looming in the background and I don't have much confidence in my ability to successfully transition. I don't really want to live as a cis woman but it would make my life so much easier and I could maybe learn to live with it and this has been weighing on my mind for years. What the hell am I supposed to do in this situation?