u/Suspicious_Car_387

I had a question for those of y’all who detransitioned/questioned and decided to stay transitioned.

What made you decide that detransitioning was right for you. Has anyone who still thought they were trans detransitioned to avoid anxiety? If so how was your experience and what choice would you make if you were in that position now?

A bit more about my situation:
I MTF 25 have been on hormones for about 4 years. I pass decently at a glance but am still pretty clearly trans during any prolonged interaction.

I am mostly happy with my transition. I still have dysphoria but it’s greatly reduced. I feel more at peace with myself both internally and externally. And I have positive feelings regarding my transition, if only for the experience and everything I learned.

Despite all this I have crippling anxiety. I’m constantly hypervigilant in EVERY SINGLE interaction I never had anxiety this bad pre transition. It’s preventing me from doing so many things and making me think that it would be easier to detransition with a much more expansive view on gender.

I blame most of my anxiety on existing as a visibly trans woman. I’m chasing an unrealistic standard of passing that I could only dream about with surgeries, even then it may not be enough. I do think I’m capable of living as a man, it’s not my ideal life but I I’d probably manage. I could just be a pretty guy with acrylics.

That thought does make me a bit sad, I won’t get to grow old as a woman, never be able to call myself a mother, and will have to re-come out to family, work, and friends (who will use it as a transphobic « told you so »)

But compared with the prospect of social ostracization, anxiety, the constant effort to « pass better » and the rise of hostile legislation, I am unsure which option is right for me.

TLDR: I do believe I’m trans and I’m happy I transitioned. I’m also incredibly anxious about existing as a visibly trans person and it’s putting my life on hold. I do not know whether choosing internal peace or external comfort is the right path forward.

I (MTF 25) have been on HRT for almost 4 years. I really like the effects it has given me, I feel a lot better internally and I think estrogen has made my head feel much clearer.

I pass a decent amount, I haven’t had any surgeries but I do think my face and voice pass but my body/bones makes it pretty obvious that I’m trans.

My views on my gender are complicated. I grew up pretty rural and conservative and definitely have a lot of transphobia that I still haven’t unpacked and I’m not really a fan of the community as a whole. I’ve always wanted to be a woman, I’ve never wanted to be a man and still dont, but I do know that biologically I always will be.

That said, I can’t really deal with the social isolation or stigma that comes with being trans. People see me as weird and an other and I can’t fully blame them. When I look in the mirror I see an obviously male frame staring back at me and it’s just so discouraging and reaffirms the reality that I’m not a « real » woman and never will be.

I’m also seriously male socialized, I told my parents I wanted to be a girl at age 4 and got beat. At 8 I went to conversion therapy and that led to me repressing pretty hard and trying my best to be a guy, and I got good but it did feel like it wasn’t really my life and I was just going through the motions because it’s what I should do. When I eventually started transitioning at 21 those habits had become ingrained and I haven’t really been able to shake them.

I have not been able to build many meaningful relationships since I came out and I only have my pre transition friend group to support me. I’ve tried all sorts of things to find a community, but I still get the same overarching feeling that I’m just tolerated at best, but never actually welcome.

I do not want to be a man, but I don’t know if I’m strong enough to deal with this social isolation/clearly masculine frame forever. I’m scared detransition will make me bitter, but I also feel that it will make my life much easier.

Anybody else gone through a similar experience?