u/PuzzleheadedEase9313

I don't know... I just need someone to tell this to....

I've been through a whole lot my entire life. I feel like i've lived seven lives and I'm only 19

I just removed my chosen name from my college documents

& I decided I would make that name my middle name instead. I love it a lot but as unisex as it is, it really is a much more masculine name than I think I should have. Besides, my family gave me a cultural middle name to a culture I have no ties to which was always a bit odd-- it really needed replacing. And I like to be called both names... they don't bother me at all.

I just can't believe I've gotten to a point where I feel so free of worry about gender.

I was really abused all my life, and was unable to be a tomboy. I had a pretty common situation of not being able to express my masculinity as a female so I just thought the only way was to become a guy, really. Not to mention I was also so confused over my body and uncomfortable growing up in one that was really masculine due to a condition I have

Things change, people change

I'm really nervous to go back to college all feminine compared to before and have a new name. Terrified actually, after all, being a girl was always terrifying...I was abused for it. But I'm away from those people now and I don't have to live according to every impulsive thought of gender dysphoria and trauma anymore.

I personally have found so much joy in my new faith and feel so indifferent to gender now...

I am female therefore I am a woman and ... that's it. I don't have to feel like a woman I just am and that's OK

I even met the first person who I feel safe with, my long term boyfriend and I feel so incredibly cherished as a masculine woman, so safe to be just natural. He made me realize I had no idea what it felt like to be loved, respected, safe... I can be so masculine and gross and silly with him and still be so loved. I don't have to pretend to be anything I'm not, he is my best friend. Having someone who truly cares for you and respects you for you, for who you are inside, not what gender you are, is the best feeling in the world and heals so much

I'm just so happy.. I feel so free!!!!!!

This is all terrifying but so , so freeing.

Growing up in a violently abusive household, being female was treated as a curse, a severe humiliation, and an invitation to violence & rape. i was raised to believe women were inherently inferior, dirty, and responsible for any harm inflicted on them. At the same time, i had an undiagnosed medical condition causing high testosterone and physical masculinization that resulted in a very deep voice and noticeably masculine features. My family refused to take me to the doctor and claimed I was possessed by a male jinn. They terrorized, beat, threatened to kill, and isolated me, attempting to forcefully "exorcise" my natural body while forcing me into hypermodesty and a hijab, which only made public bullying much worse given my very male-looking appearance. My father continuously sexualized, physically assaulted, and degraded me, openly stating that people like me should be stoned to death and he would happily go to jail to kill a thing like me, while my sister was treated rather normally besides being given lots of gifts for her obedience to them. I wasn't allowed to go out to anything but school where I would be bullied for looking like a male in a hijab although I was female, and I had no explanation to them due to my parents refusing to take me to a doctor out of shame. My parents would assault me threaten to abandon me and beat me completely flat until I died and then claim they do it because they love me so much and this is real love.

Over the years of growing up like that to survive, I essentially internalized two things...

One, that my natural body was beyond unacceptable to be female, that I was too far gone to live as my own sex, and that in order to, I had to hide my natural characteristics. The only way to wear my masculinity on my sleeve was to live as a man..and since I couldn't hide it, I had no choice.

And two, that being female meant endless abuse and danger, being rapebait for even having 1 stand of hair showing or an ankle or smelling "too good". Becoming a man became my only psychological escape from the reversely extremely sexualizing effects of hypermodesty. Transitioning to a man felt like safety because it offered immunity from the specific cruelty attached to being a woman that I had come to learn.

Once I left for college, transitioned, and lived independently, my perspective shifted completely. The more I was away from what I eventually could admit was severe abuse, I realized that actually 90% of the real world did not view women through that extremely specific twisted lens my family & much of their larger religious community did. I converted religions and realized that there were many people who saw women just as another beautiful part of Gods creation which judge me if you like was really new to me actually and I started to find a supportive relationship where I was treated as a fully equal human and I had no longer any need to worry about gender...all of this allowed me to process the true damage that had been done and to take off the armor of being male I put on to see if there was still anyone left underneath

I still feel very destroyed and broken almost like a child again on my own having to learn how to exist in a healthy way

I eventually came to realize my transition was a survival mechanism to protect myself from severe trauma and extreme abuse of women in my home. Distancing myself from my family and processing this ultimately started to undo a lot of my dysphoria

I wish detransitioners were less controversial or hated on especially in the case of people who had trauma induced gender dysphoria or those who ended up transitioning to survive but came to not need it anymore as they realized they could be safe as a woman or man too

I guess i just wonder if anyone else ended up transitioning as an escape from severe childhood trauma?