u/Unwieldy-Field-3534

Long story short, I was a trans guy for many years and very far along in my medical transition. I realized I'm a lesbian then realized I'm a woman lmao, albeit a genderqueer and gender nonconforming woman! I really enjoy the masculine body that I have from T. Honestly, I'd say I'm 95% happy with my body, but I really miss having breasts.

I know top surgery removes almost all breast tissue, but that does leave some behind. I like the idea of having even a tiny amount of breast growth that is genuinely mine. When I was on birth control for a couple months a few years before my top surgery (nexplanon implant), my breasts got huge. So it makes me wonder if it's worth trying just to see? I don't know. I would be happy with anything. I just want something that feels like my own body. I cannot afford any kind of surgery without financial support from my parents, who I don't plan to tell for quite a long time (ideally never but that sounds unlikely lmao). And even with their help, honestly I still don't think I could afford it.

Prefacing this by saying that I'm not asking for medical advice, as in a diagnosis or specific treatment. I'm more asking if this lines up with the typical presentation of muscle stiffness and dystonia in hypermobile people, or if I should trust my instincts to find another opinion.

I've always been one of those hypermobile people who end up with really stiff muscles to over-compensate. My hamstrings have always been extremely tight, and I've had the classic coathanger pain/tension in my neck and upper back for as long as I remember. My neurologist has me on carbidopa-levodopa for the past 5ish years and it has helped, for the most part.

Over the past ~4-6 months, my symptoms have changed and gotten worse. I've had a few dystonia episodes where my neck pulls back and sideways, and my shoulder is pulled up towards my head. At first this ended up with me in the ER, but now I have muscle relaxers I can take to prevent an episode when I feel it coming on. The rough part is that so many things seem to trigger these episodes - bending my neck down, driving, moving my shoulder blades a specific way - and it feels unavoidable. I also get muscle stiffness in my thighs, and more recently in my ribcage muscles and abs. It feels like my muscles lock up and cannot relax. Massage and gentle stretching makes it worse. The only thing that actually helps are muscle relaxers, but over the past monthish I've had to go from taking it as needed, to taking a smaller dose daily (usually twice a day) or else I cannot function. It's getting harder to sleep, do daily tasks, walk, enjoy my hobbies, etc.

My instincts are telling me that this is not just normal hypermobility-related stiffness. I've had that for most of my life. This just feels different. The trouble is, my neurologist seems to think this is all pretty typical for hypermobile/EDS patients. My pelvic floor PT (who I asked since she sees a lot of hypermobile patients) also said that this seems like it's typical. The physiatrist (who I recently started seeing, partly because of these new/worsening symptoms) is the only one so far who seems to think it's not necessarily all 100% hypermobility related, she's ordered imaging and blood tests. Everything has been normal so far, other than finding out that I apparently do have scoliosis (and will be following up with a specialist for that).

So I guess two big questions here... Does this line up with typical muscle stiffness in hypermobile patients? And whether it does or not, is this worth trying to find a second opinion? Possibly with a doctor that specializes more in neuromuscular issues or something similar? It's been so long since I've had to deal with new problems (not just worsening/changing symptoms with an already established diagnosis) that I don't know where to go from here.

So my new roommate has DID. This alone isn't a problem. She's very open about it, which is her choice to make. I have DID, and I am not open about it at all. There is nobody currently in my life who knows, other than my therapist. And at least for now, I want to keep it that way.

I'm scared that somehow she will find out. I'm scared she'll notice the dissociative symptoms and personality shifts that other people don't notice. I'm just. Scared.

From my experience, people who are very open about having DID don't always understand why someone would want to keep their diagnosis a secret. So that's also something I'm scared of.

I don't know. Not sure what the point of this is.

Recently I had another relationship fall apart and it's made me realize (again) that I do not know how to have a normal healthy relationship with someone. There always has to be sex involved. And for me, I don't know if I can even have a healthy sexual relationship right now. At this point I'm wondering if I'm actually ace-spec or if it's just the trauma, or an ace-spec alter.

I don't know. I'm tired and should go to sleep soon. But I wanted to get this out of my head while I was still feeling brave enough. I'm going to start seeing a new therapist soon. Feeling cautiously optimistic, but also nervous, because I struggle to say any of this stuff out loud. The words won't come out of my mouth.