u/jbdjo

I am mainly speaking from my trans woman / mtft? perspective and my observations from other trans women I've met.

I don't pass and people oftentimes just see me as a "trans person", not even a trans woman (2 years hrt). I also never had a "crossdressing phase" and don't care that much about feminine presentation.

I'm less confident than before, less outgoing and have much more anxiety. Before, I passed as a typical, tall cishet man, now I am an uncanny trans person.

But meeting other trans women irl I don't think this problem is that much related to level of passing or being conventionally attractive.

Maybe it is related to how much you're fine with being seen as trans? It's fine because still you feel like you can "finally be yourself" because of transition, regardless of what others think?

I feel the reverse, because I'm trans, I cannot live as myself. At least if I get read as a cishet man, I'm being seen as "neutral" most of the time by (patriarchal) society. As visibly trans, I am constantly shown that I am not being seen as a woman. And because I don't really care about my presentation, I can't go: this is me, I don't care what you think.

In short, I think I am a trans woman, but transition did not make me feel better.

I would be interested what you think about this question.

Bzw. gibt es das überhaupt für diesen Zweck und macht das Sinn, es den ganzen Tag zu tragen, jeden Tag? Ich kenne es zB von drag queens, die das dann aber ja nur für den Auftritt anziehen. Ich merke jedenfalls, dass ich mit der Silhouette meiner Hüfte sehr unzufrieden bin und habe gedacht, das könnte vielleicht eine Lösung sein.

MtFt?, transitioning since around 2 years, stable hormones since around 8 months. I could make a very long list about what I hate about being (visibly) trans, compare that to a list of positive things, then come to the logical conclusion it's not worth it. But I mean ultimately it's not really about logic.

Still, I could boil it down to even one thing, being visibly trans in public and daily life. That alone is WORSE than EVERYTHING positive from transition. It's completely suffocating, I miss being invisible, no one looking at me, no one caring about me, so so much. Moving through the world without friction. I have to add that I'm in my early thirties, 6'3" tall, and was not presenting femininely before transition, people generally read me as cishet man, so you can see where I'm coming from. I know of course that this is not just a getting read as cis/trans thing but also a getting read as man/woman thing. I know that even in the best case, being a cis woman or passing as one (especially being 6'3" tall), I'd never have this privilege of moving through the world without friction. But that would probably be worth it to me, because I think being a woman fits me better than being a man. Being visibly trans however feels horrible, I'm scared to even leave the house, go shopping or meet new people. When I'm in public, I'm always on the edge. I tried all imaginable different presentations with clothes, hair, makeup, etc. Overly feminine feels the worst, androgynous can feel good but that already makes me visibly trans. I don't seem to get that much out of feminine presentation in itself, I simply want to get read as a woman.

Today I tried passing as a man - sports bra, male clothes and hiding my hair with a cap - and instantly felt much, much better in public. However, I don't really want to live as a man. Just using hrt also doesn't sound too appealing, eventually I will not be able to hide it anymore (maybe I'm already past that point) and the effects on their own, like breasts or the "mental effects" mean very little to me without being a woman. I'd much rather be fully male than being inbetween.

Basically I seem to be stuck. I'd be grateful for any advice. Has anyone been in this situation? I'm seriously considering stopping every day. I feel like being a man is a meaningless existence but at least it's much less stressful and not actively choosing to suffer. When I think about "just being myself" and not care about passing, that also doesn't seem to possibly work out, as I would not dress overly feminine or use makeup as a cis woman, and the effect of hrt itself is not meaningful enough for me to be a trans "person".

Mtf, I'm transitioning right now since around 2 years and had thoughts of detransition almost since the beginning. I started social and medical transition at almost the same time, but because transition was so stressful I started/stopped taking hormones multiple times. Right now I'm on E monotherapy since around 7 months, the longest time so far. I'm a student and we have "pronoun circles" at uni so everybody there knows I'm trans. All my friends are students. I broke off contact with most of my family. With strangers I just let them read me as whatever but I almost never meet strangers or talk to them. I tried going into queer spaces but don't really find them affirming or enjoy being there. Most of my friends are cis women and I just want to be an average woman, which is physically impossible (I'm extremely tall and started at 29). I feel like I just see transition as a means to an end (be passing), not as an identity. Here I want to mention that I disagree with everything transmed/truscum stands for. I just don't find joy in being trans (I wish I could), and think I fit personally neatly into the binary system, if I COULD live as a woman.

If I cannot reach passing, transition is meaningless to me and just makes my life much worse. It seems like many trans people feel like this at the beginning, but manage to get through, stop caring or find something inherently good about transition itself. I can't honestly say after 2 years that I find much positive about transition outside of wanting to pass.

I feel like transition just increased all the worst parts about myself. I had anxiety and confidence issues before, but now my anxiety is so high that I can barely leave the house, and my self worth was never lower. I am scared of every single person who looks at me in public or who I have to interact with. I don't want to exist like this. I feel like nobody sees me as a woman, even the people who use she/her pronouns. I feel like pretty much every single person is transphobic to varying degrees, and reducing this transphobia to a possibly manageable level is related to my passing and attractiveness. I feel like outside of these two attributes, I have no value as a human being anymore. I find that even allies or left leaning people have very transphobic beliefs oftentimes, which only come to light after I've spent months with them, and these are the supportive people. Meeting other people, there's a good chance these people are extremely transphobic, which makes me constantly paranoid.

I mean I can continue and believe it's going to be better, but not only do I have no hope, just day to day life is completely unmanagable. I would give everything to just go back and live as a completely average man nobody cares about. I mean I can't really go fully back, I can't grow a beard and have breasts now. But I can honestly say that my life was never THAT bad before transition.

I don't really know what I'd lose by detransition, I find many feminine things and feminine presentation just annoying, and I don't like the social role of women in patriarchy. I mean many cis women feel the same way, so that would not be a reason to not be a woman, but the difference is that I am trapped in the body of a man. Getting rid of my attachment to the label "woman" (which no one treats me as anyway) seems honestly much easier than transition.