u/Main_Raccoon_9641

AMAB person considering restarting MTF hrt but want to have a contingency plan in place in case i end up regretting it and detransitioning.

part of that is understanding what it would be like to live with the irreversible changes.

I don’t care about fertility loss and as I understand, most other most changes such as fat distribution and muscle mass loss are reversible with time (assuming your testes are intact)

the only thing I worry about is developing larger breasts that I cannot hide without binding, and Id rather not have to get top surgery.

i have been on Estrogen before and have small breasts as a result, but they are small enough for most people not to notice or treat me any differently.

but what about those of you who have noticeable breasts and who now have gone back to living as men? what is that like?

Do they take away from your quality of life beyond just causing dysphoria?

Have they caused any health problems for you?

what about socially? Do they cause others to perceive you as any gender other than male?

so I am a 24 year old AMAB person who suspects they may be gender-fluid, but is deeply confused about their identity.

So, basically I realized I wasn’t cis when I was 22 and was on MTF HRT for around 1 year and a half

i was so happy and excited to live as a woman until one day I looked in the mirror and felt very disconnected from myself and didn’t recognize my reflection. this was coupled with feelings of wanting to be male again, so I stopped HRT and i now look androgynous but still very male passing.

Now here’s where things get really messy.

though I felt so much better after quitting estrogen, my desire to be female has returned and i oscillate back and forth between wanting to be male and female.

I feel like I love my female side much more than my male side and I still experience gender euphoria at the thought of being female, but when I look in the mirror in femme (for context, I am still androgynous enough to pass as female with effort) I still feel that Depersonalization, even when it is mixed with gender euphoria.

i have literally experienced having very intense gender euphoria while looking at my fem presentation only to have it be ruined by intense anxiety and depersonalization.

I wish I could just be female bodied, and I hate the fact that part of me still wants to be male because I feel like it is keeping me away from what I really want. like I want to transition but I can’t because my male side keeps getting in the way.

i have been off estrogen for about 5 months and I don’t know what to do now. i feel like there is no solution that will give me peace because both the thought of living as male and the thought of transitioning to female bring me intense joy and intense agony in equal measure.

I think I would be happy if I could be androgynous enough to be able to look both male and female like a shapeshifter and satisfy both sides of myself but I don’t think that is materially possible since my body before transitioning was extremely masculine and my body also responds very well to estrogen and I started passing as a woman very quickly after starting hormones.

has anyone had a similar experience? and if so, what did you do about it?