Think I might just be cis but I can't accept it
I don't even know where to start with this post, it's been a long time coming. I'm afab and I've been questioning for 6+ fucking years or something, every single fucking day and night. It's all I can think about sometimes, and even know when I'm pretty sure I'm not trans at all I can't let it go.
I'm gonna try to keep this short (I failed, sorry for the wall of text) but basically I had NO signs at all as a child, not a single one. And I don't mean "yeah I wanted to be a boy but didn't have the words for it" or whatever, I mean I legitimately was happy with my agab and had a total of zero signs or any indication of being anything but cishet. Then when I was a teen something happened, it's not something I talk about so I'm going to be vague but it did very much involve the... more intimate parts of my body I guess (and no it's not as bad as you're probably thinking). That specific event made me absolutely disgusted with myself and with my body, with the feminine parts of it, and made me question if I wanted to be afab at all.
At first I didn't even have much dysphoria or anything, I was perfectly fine with my pronouns and deadname and at most I wanted a binder but no medical transition at all. But then over time I suddenly started becoming more and more dysphoric about every single little thing, and now it's gotten to the point where I can't even call myself a g*rl without wanting to throw up despite the fact that it's objectively what I am.
The reason I'm saying all this is because I don't think any of it is genuine. I think having dysphoria/being trans was just an easy escape from what happened, an easy way to explain all the problems I had in life. But I spent so long convincing myself that I totally must be trans that it's been downright impossible to let go of that idea, despite all the evidence that I'm cis (or rather, the lack of evidence that I'm not cis).
I still just wish so fucking badly that I could be a guy, but I don't think I ever can. I'm extremely fucking humiliatingly short, I have an extremely fem body, I know I could never pass no matter the amount of hrt or surgeries I could get. Not to mention that I can't even get any of that in the foreseeable future, and I'm already 20+ and I feel it's already been way too late for me to start transitioning for years. And what if I eventually end up transitioning and ultimately regret it? There's also my parents and how I don't want to disappoint them by turning out queer, but that's a whole different topic I don't want to go into right now. I just wish I could've been born a guy, but that's just not possible now...
Except I'm not even sure if that's what I really want or if that's just what I've convinced myself I want, due to all those years thinking that I must totally be trans. It's killing me, I keep going in circles between "I need to transition right fucking now I need to be a guy" and "who am I fucking kidding I could never be a guy I've only deluded myself"...
I'm not even sure what I'm looking for by posting this. To be told that I sound actually trans and should transition? To be told I'm probably cis and how to cope with letting go of the idea I've been so fixated on for almost half my life? I don't know, it's the middle of the night as I'm typing this and I just feel like shit, there's so much I wanted to say with this post that I don't even know how to properly articulate...