u/Blue__Jellyfish

When I first transitioned, there was really no "courage" involved. I was 12 and just really convinced transition would fix me. It was all hope, no courage.

Now Im 22 and Ive been thinking about detransition on and off for a few years. I want to detransition, I've taken small steps in doing so, and I do generally consider myself actively detransitioning even though the progress has been imperceivable to anyone else. But theres no hope this time that this is going to "fix" me. Im just stressed and worried I'm wrong on this. Im not convinced Im right at all, I cant figure out exactly what Im feeling despite trying to for years, and Im not all that hopeful for the future or who I will be after this. The only things I do know are: I dont like taking T, I like long hair, I dont like female terminology used for me, and I like having visible upper body muscle. Thats it. And thats not really helpful.

I'm not sure detransitioning is right for me. But I am certain I need to at least try this to know if its right or not. Just thinking on it wont help anymore. I've tried that method for years.

For those who werent 100% convinced this was the right path for them: how did you gather the courage to detransition? Specifically socially, but all aspects too

I have bpd and I legit just cant take T. The hormonal swing, no matter how low and slow I start, makes me want to off myself and I blow up on everyone around me. But off T, Im fairly stable until specifically triggered. On T, Im just on the verge of blowing up all the time. Anger, sadness, frustration, overwhelm, whatever it is. Sometimes I dont even know what I'm feeling. I just know that I'm feeling it too much. And its so hard to not lash out because of it.

I also hate the libido changes. Right now Im horny maybe twice a month, and I like it that way. I dont like the feeling of losing control of my body. I dont like being physically horny when mentally or emotionally Im not there. I like the masculinization I get on T, but the skin changes, the head and body hair changes, the body smell changes, the weight flucuation, the water retention, all these things that arent necessarily good or bad/that I dont really hate or like either way pile up and even though I know they're going to happen, I still dont have control of what happens when and how bad it'll be. And I do not like the feeling of not having control. But obviously you cant pick and choose what happens and when on T.

I also can't stand the mental changes. I get such bad brainfog and I just feel mentally unsteady. Which probably contributes to the mood swings. I just dont feel like Im in my body. More like someone else is piloting and Im stuck watching.

I've been stalking detrans spaces for awhile (avoiding the terfy shit though) and so many of them seem to find some sort of happiness or contentness in presenting as cis again, even the ones who still experience some dysphoria. Maybe I can too? I know I can be a trans man without taking T but Im already trying that and now theres rumors at work that Im "secretly a woman." So. Fuck that I guess.

The current plan right now is to try to get jacked and see if that helps. Even if I end up just giving up on living as a man, maybe muscle will help me feel better about it. Thats something I know I want either way.

I've been having detrans thoughts off and on for years. For a few weeks, they'll be staggering and distressing and all-consuming. And I feel like I need to fix everything not "woman enough" about myself immediately. And I don't mean not feminine enough, I mean not "woman enough." Which can be pretty vague and is entirely subjective. But it's basically how I imagine I would feel the best if I was presenting and living as a woman.

After those few weeks, sometimes it's just a week or two, I'll be completely fine. No problem at all living as male. No gender thoughts in any capacity. And that's where I am right now. When I was originally considering transitioning and if I was trans, those thoughts didnt come and go. They were constant and distressing for years with no break. But the detrans ones come in waves.

If these thoughts are crippling to my daily life but only show up on occasion every few weeks, how do I know if they're right or not?? How do I know if they mean anything?? This isn't like how I experienced transness.

Basically the title

Im about a year and a half post-op but top surgery is really what made me realize Im not trans. I wish I realized sooner, but apparently 3 weeks post-op is what I finally needed to realize. I still beat myself up over it.

I cant deny that top surgery has drastically increased my quality of life. Im no longer stressing over my breasts/trying to hide them, Im not overheating with a bra or binder, Im not dealing with the discomfort of a bra or binder, I can be shirtless without worry of someone seeing me, my body is significantly less sexualized, the list goes on.

The thing is, I get days where I really want my breasts back. I dont like the thought of fat-grafting because I know it can take multiple rounds and they'll change based on weight fluctuation. I didnt like the thought of implants either, so I wrote off any reconstructive surgery entirely for awhile. But now I find myself contemplating implants. I dont have the same "but it wont be the same as before" complaint.

But most days, Im completely fine. Im happy with my chest, even. But the days Im not are getting more frequent. But I also wonder if I want to be sexualized now. Im trying to date, I want to be considered attractive (and a lot of people find my face attractive, but I worry a man wont want a woman without breasts), I want people to consider me a "real woman" again. Even when I pass as female, I can see my flat chest throws off a lot of people. Older people tend to look blantantly at it while visibly puzzled (but they're the same crowd that says "staring is rude" 🙄).

Even if I just had A cups, I wonder if I'd feel better again. But I'm pretty sure I'd have to regraft my nipples (which Im okay with if possible), or forego nipples entirely (which I refuse).

A big part of me getting top surgery though is I felt like I "had to" in order to be a "real man." It was all social pressure. And I worry this is the same.

So how do I know? For the months leading up to top surgery, I had doubts. Even for the years before I scheduled anything. And while these current doubts dont feel nearly as strong, they're still there. And I dont want to make the same mistake again.

Is this weird of me??

Recently I've come to the near-conclusion (still kind of debating) that I want to be a man that looks like a woman. And I dont mean that in a "Im a feminine trans man" or "Im a feminine transmasc" way. Because Im not feminine. I'm actually pretty traditionally masculine, minus the long hair. And I like dressing masc or even androgynous on some occasions. But I want people's initial reaction to be "oh, thats a woman." Just a masculine or androgynous one. Which I know obviously will come with misgendering, and that does suck. But so long as people close to me and people who know me still call me he/him and masculine terms, it's pretty easy to brush off misgendering from strangers. I can deal with that.

Is this weird??? I know it probably falls under some sort of nonbinary, but I've just been using the term "genderqueer" for now. But after 8 years as a binary trans guy forcing myself to conform to cis male patriarchal standards, I really just want to do my own thing now. And "my own thing" I think is being a man who looks like a woman. And one who bends a lot of gender roles while I'm at it.

I've not told anyone I'm detransitioning yet. I've talked to my stepmother about some concerns and second-thoughts regarding my transition, but I've not asked her to use a different name or pronouns or anything. I've not asked anyone to do this.

Recently, I went to my birth mother's birthday party (we are on good terms and I love her dearly), but she was calling me they/them, "my child," "my kid," etc. when she normally doesn't. She wouldnt even call me by my name. She used a neutral childhood nickname that's unrelated to my current name or my birth name. But when it was just us and close family that supports me, she was using my current name and he/him. It was "my son" and not "my child."

I can only assume she changed her language because of the company around us. I know her friends are homophobic, transphobic, sexist, racist, whatever type of bigoted you can name, they're it. And it felt like she was ashamed or embarrassed of me while around them. Like she wanted to cater to them and just ignore how I feel. So obviously I felt really disrespected. But now I'm wondering if it was just the disrespect that upset me, or if I was actually upset at being called they/them.

The only other person to misgender me at the party was my uncle, who used she/her despite me being out for around a decade, and he was also one of the firsts to know. And obviously it was disrespectful and, again, upset me.

The thing is, when strangers misgender me, I still get a little upset, but not nearly as much. And it's pretty easy to shake off. It only sits with me for like 10-20 seconds max. With my mother, I cried for hours and had to take a few hours off work the next morning because I didnt get enough sleep that night. But I'm wondering: if I had told her to use they/them or she/her, would it still have hurt? I was actually considering telling her I was having second-thoughts about my transition, maybe asking her what she'd do or think if I was her daughter again, but after the misgendering and refusal to say my name, I abandoned that idea.

I'm still convinced being called they or she would upset me regardless if it was used in disrespect or not, but... would it actually upset me? Especially since my reaction was so different between my mother doing it vs people I dont care about/dont have any respect for either.

Im absolutely certain I want to detransition. Ive already taken steps to do so and have considering myself to be detransitioning for awhile, just "going slowly." But I want to take more active steps now.

The thing is, I really dont want to come out again. Especially not as detrans since support for it is so little. And a lot of people in my life think Im a cis guy, and while I guess them thinking Im a trans woman is fine, its just not the most exciting idea. Or accurate at all.

Telling people I dont care for, like coworkers, that I transitioned but now Im going back/"was wrong" is just so personal. And I dont want to share that with people idgaf about. Im fine still being referred to by my current name and male pronouns, it doesnt give me much discomfort at all unlike my body and presentation, so what if I just detransitioned physically (no artificial hormones, changing my appearance and presentation, etc.) but just didnt tell anyone? Sure people will have questions, but I've always been good at deflecting or turning things into a joke explanation.

Maybe an odd question but has anyone stopped birth control as part of their detransition?? Im stopping T (still need to find a way to tell my doc without her dropping me as a patient, context to that at the bottom**) and I was thinking about maybe stopping birth control too??

I never had any bad side effects with my implant (nexplanon), I think Im just tired of exogenous hormones and want my body to do whatever it naturally does. Im not sexually active at the moment. I havent ever been and I dont plan to be anytime soon either. So Im not worried about pregnancy. But I am worried that maybe I just want to feel like I'm in control of something at the moment and that's why I want to do this. Because I just lost control of my hair (my dad shaved it 🥲) which was my biggest form of self-expression and the thing giving me the most confidence to detransition. And things feel kind of out of control at the moment.

**As for why Im worried about my doc dropping me as a patient: this isnt my first time stopping T. This is my fourth time, but my third time under this doctor. The first time, I canceled my blood draw and then just told her at the follow-up that I stopped taking it. Then I got back on shortly after, but didnt even last three months. I also canceled that 3-month blood draw and ghosted her. Then my father convinced me to start T AGAIN (he has a way of making things you dont want to do sound like your own idea that you're excited for, its hard to explain. Hes done this so many times). She managed to squeeze me in the very next day and I started T again without even thinking on it at all. She had to fight with my insurance for a good week first though and re-code the prescription 3 times to get them to cover it.

Its been about a month since then and I want OFF. I feel like Im losing control of my body. But Im worried she's going to get fed up with me. Shes also my gynecologist, not an endocrinologist, so she'd be the one to remove my birth control.

So a stylist butchered my hair BAD and really the only way to "save it" was to shave it. So I ended up shaving it. Which wasnt much shorter than she cut it (it was originally to my shoulders and she was supposed to retain length 💔). A shaved head was just a better base to start a regrow journey from

But ever since shaving my head, I have zero interest in detransitioning anymore? Before I was looking at new names (dont want to go back to my birth name), buying a new wardrobe, dabbling in makeup, etc. Now Im like "eh, back to my baseline." Which.. weird to me that "baseline" is the word that came to mind.

Its not that I feel too ugly to be a woman or anything. Its just a genuine loss of interest. But I dont even feel like its a "loss." Almost like the feelings never existed in the first place

I know obviously hair length doesnt dictate someone's gender, but its weird to me that shaving it caused this feeling. Then again, I am grieving my hair deeply (to the point Im waiting on a lacefront wig in the mail that looks like my hair before its initial cut) so maybe its just a minor depression thing? Or like, feeling defeated?

(Ftmtf)

So a stylist butchered my hair BAD and really the only way to "save it" was to shave it. So I ended up shaving it. Which wasnt much shorter than she cut it (it was originally to my shoulders and she was supposed to retain length 💔). A shaved head was just a better base to start a regrow journey from

But ever since shaving my head, I have zero interest in detransitioning anymore? Before I was looking at new names (dont want to go back to my birth name), buying a new wardrobe, dabbling in makeup, etc. Now Im like "eh, back to my baseline." Which.. weird to me that "baseline" is the word that came to mind.

Its not that I feel too ugly to be a woman or anything. Its just a genuine loss of interest. I dont even feel like its a "loss." Almost like the feelings never existed in the first place

I know obviously hair length doesnt dictate someone's gender, but its weird to me that shaving it caused this feeling. Then again, I am grieving my hair deeply (to the point Im waiting on a lacefront wig in the mail that looks like my hair before it's initial cut) so maybe its just a minor depression thing? Or like, feeling defeated?

Has anyone gone through detransition with a shaved head? I know its not ideal when trying to be seen as a woman, but Im so tired of my hair and my current haircut is major ass. The stylist botched it BAD when I told her to retain length. I just wanted some layers and bangs. I had thick shoulder-length hair and curls and she chopped it up to my jaw and thinned it heavily with shears, and added so many layers (that arent even symmetrical 🫩) that my hair no longer curls. It just doesnt have the length to do so anymore. She might as well have taken clippers with a long guard to my head. At least that would've looked better.

So I've genuinely been contemplating shaving my head. I've done it before and a buzzcut looks good on me, but I've never presented as a woman with a buzzcut before. My sister usually rocks one and most people tend to think she's sick or something (she's fine, she just has insanely thick hair and doesnt want to care for it).

My goal is to have healthy shoulder-length hair again. I've been oiling my scalp and doing scalp massages and stuff. I know shaving my head will make it take longer to get to my goal length, but just trying to fix my hair instead doesn't seem worth the effort. Like if I'm going to cut more, then I might a well cut it all? And just reset everything basically. Blank canvas. I've also been watching a lot of Avatar: The Last Airbender and I love the air nomads (who all have shaved heads at least to some extent) so that's probably not helping.

I'd probably only shave it twice before growing it again. And the second time would only be to get the hair dye out completely once my roots grow in more. Then it'd just be some maintainence here and there to make the awkward stages less awkward while I try to get it back to my shoulders.

Has anyone detransitioned while having a shaved head? Or even just lived life as a woman with one? Was it harder? Was it one less thing to worry about? Would you have chosen to have hair, even if it's a bad cut, instead?

Has anyone gone through detransition with a shaved head? I know its not ideal when trying to be seen as a woman, but Im so tired of my hair and my current haircut is major ass. The stylist botched it BAD when I told her to retain length. I just wanted some layers and bangs. I had thick shoulder-length hair and curls and she chopped it up to my jaw and thinned it heavily with shears, and added so many layers (that arent even symmetrical 🫩) that my hair no longer curls. It just doesnt have the length to do so anymore. She might as well have taken clippers with a long guard to my head. At least that would've looked better.

So I've genuinely been contemplating shaving my head. I've done it before and a buzzcut looks good on me, but I've never presented as a woman with a buzzcut before. My sister usually rocks one and most people tend to think she's sick or something (she's fine, she just has insanely thick hair and doesnt want to care for it).

My goal is to have healthy shoulder-length hair again. I've been oiling my scalp and doing scalp massages and stuff. I know shaving my head will make it take longer to get to my goal length, but just trying to fix my hair instead doesn't seem worth the effort. Like if I'm going to cut more, then I might a well cut it all? And just reset everything basically. Blank canvas. I've also been watching a lot of Avatar: The Last Airbender and I love the air nomads (who all have shaved heads at least to some extent) so that's probably not helping.

I'd probably only shave it twice before growing it again. And the second time would only be to get the hair dye out completely once my roots grow in more. Then it'd just be some maintainence here and there to make the awkward stages less awkward while I try to get it back to my shoulders.

Has anyone detransitioned while having a shaved head? Or even just lived life as a woman with one? Was it harder? Was it one less thing to worry about? Would you have chosen to have hair, even if it's a bad cut, instead?

Is anyone else like 90-100% convinced they're trans, but you're still choosing to detransition? Its not out of safety or finacial problems or lack of support or even thinking you'd be happier living as cis. Its more just like... I wasn't happy before, and I'm still not happy now. So whats the point of making my life harder? I dream about being a cis woman (not even a cis man, but maybe thats because cis woman is technically possible and cis man is not), I dream about a husband and kids, I dream about not being so outwardly queer (Im not even worried about danger, I just dont want strangers knowing such personal stuff about me by a glance).

I can afford transition, I have an amazing support system, I've luckily never dealt with discrimination for being trans. Im just tired of constantly being at war with my body and trying to pass. I dont even hate my body. I didnt hate it before T and surgery, and I dont hate it now. I only changed it to make social transition easier. Social transition was always the most important, and it's really my only source of dysphoria.

Has anyone else detransitioned just because it's easier?

Is anyone else like 90-100% convinced they're trans, but you're still choosing to detransition? Its not out of safety or finacial problems or lack of support or even thinking you'd be happier living as cis. Its more just like... I wasn't happy before, and I'm still not happy now. So whats the point of making my life harder? I dream about being a cis woman (not even a cis man, but maybe thats because cis woman is technically possible and cis man is not), I dream about a husband and kids, I dream about not being so outwardly queer (Im not even worried about danger, I just dont want strangers knowing such personal stuff about me by a glance).

I can afford transition, I have an amazing support system, I've luckily never dealt with discrimination for being trans. Im just tired of constantly being at war with my body and trying to pass. I dont even hate my body. I didnt hate it before T and surgery, and I dont hate it now. I only changed it to make social transition easier. Social transition was always the most important, and it's really my only source of dysphoria.

Has anyone else detransitioned just because it's easier?

The title might be confusing so let me explain. Even when I transitioned, I always inwardly accepted I was female. I never denied it or insisted I was biologically male. And accepting that I'm female never caused me any distress. All my "dysphoria" was social. I didnt have any dysphoria when I was alone. I only went through medical and legal transition to make the social aspect easier.

Now Im trying to detransition, but Im having a hard time accepting being perceived as/portraying myself as a woman. Inwardly I can acknowledge and accept it 100%, I even want to be a woman. But once someone calls me ma'am or she/her, I get upset. Which makes no sense because I have daydreams of being happy being called she, ma'am, girlfriend, wife, mother, etc. I dream about myself with long hair and breasts again. Even curves I never had pre-T. All female/feminine things. I want these things to feel right. I want to be able to outwardly accept Im female the way I do inwardly instead of still trying to pass as a man while telling myself I'm a woman.

How do I fix this??

The title might be confusing so let me explain. Even when I transitioned, I always inwardly accepted I was female. I never denied it or insisted I was biologically male. And accepting that I'm female never caused me any distress. All my "dysphoria" was social. I didnt have any dysphoria when I was alone. I only went through medical and legal transition to make the social aspect easier.

Now Im trying to detransition, but Im having a hard time accepting being perceived as/portraying myself as a woman. Inwardly I can acknowledge and accept it 100%, I even want to be a woman. But once someone calls me ma'am or she/her, I get upset. Which makes no sense because I have daydreams of being happy being called she, ma'am, girlfriend, wife, mother, etc. I dream about myself with long hair and breasts again. Even curves I never had pre-T. All female/feminine things. I want these things to feel right. I want to be able to outwardly accept Im female the way I do inwardly instead of still trying to pass as a man while telling myself I'm a woman.

How do I fix this??

So I had started kind of detransitioning a few months and my dad gave me shit for it (didnt tell him I was detransitioning, so he was being really rude about me not looking like a proper man), so I stopped detransitioning and cut my hair and got new clothes AGAIN and restarted T.

Well it's been 3 weeks and Ive already said fuck all that. Im using oils that are ~allegedly~ supposed to help hair growth and health, I've reverted my wardrobe and even thrown makeup into the mix (which is new), but I can not figure out what to do about testosterone.

3 weeks. 3 weeks Ive been on it and I ALREADY have vaginal atrophy problems. Most people can go years, even decades, without problems. Some unlucky people get a few months. Me? 3 weeks and it ALREADY HURTS. Its probably because I've already had this problem twice before, but that always showed up around a year and a half on T. But 3 weeks??? COME ON.

I already know I dont want to be on T again. But my doctor and I had to fight insurance so hard for it. And I already quit T once without telling her and basically ghosted her. She's been a saint about taking me as a patient again and helping me with my hormones. And shes not even an endocrinologist! Shes a gynecologist! And she did prescribe me vaginal estrogen cream as well so I'll clearly be using that, but I just want to quit T. But I fought so hard and bugged the hell out of her, if I quit T just 3 weeks after starting again Im afraid she'll drop me as a patient entirely because of how indecisive and noncompliant I am. But she deals with my birth control and is the only gynecologist open to lgbt patients, gender non-conforming patients, etc. She's incredibly sweet and open-minded. I can not find another doctor like her, not in my area.

Its also just embarrassing?? To go back and forth on something so quickly. I'm afraid she's going to think I'm unstable. Which... yes, I am a bit, but not to the extent it seems like. I was just convinced and pushed, I knew I didnt want this and that it was an impulsive decision. I literally chose to do it without thought and an hour later had an appointment for the next day. And then immediately got prescribed. If I had to wait a month for the appointment (her next opening), I would've canceled it before then.

I have no idea how to weasel my way out of this one. Im mortified by stopping T so quickly especially after all the fighting for it and bugging my doctor so much. Im terrified of what she's going to think of me. She's never given me any indication she's ever been upset with me, but shes also a professional and is used to having to maintain a level of professionalism. As a person? I have to be SO annoying to her. She HAS to be fed up with me. I cant imagine keeping my temper when dealing with constant medication-noncompliant patients.

I've been giving my gender a lot of thought lately (much more than I ever did when I originally decided to transition) and while I'm working on detransitioning, I keep imagining any future romantic partners being with me while I'm still a trans man. But a trans man specifically, not a cis man. Not ever a cis man. And usually in these musings, I'll still be a wife and a mother, even acknowledged to be a woman, but most people will still see and treat me as a man or even call me one despite the acknowledgement that I'm a woman. And I've started to wonder if it's more about masculinity than it is about being a man.

I've always been gender non-conforming. I do like some stereotypically feminine things, but I was always a "tomboy" growing up. Being gnc is a pretty important thing to me. It's kind of the way I express outwardly how I am inwardly. As much as I love the dichotomy of a feminine woman being a bro-y person in personality, I like my outward appearance to reflect what's inward. But I'm also a straight woman. And usually next to men, and especially in a relationship with a man, my masculinity is diminished. Not because of any "cis men are inherently more masculine" bullshit, but just because of societal norms, expectations, and misogyny. I'm the woman, so I'm supposed to be small and feminine and petite, quiet and caring, wearing sundresses and makeup or whatever the fuck. So even if I'm not that, people still treat me as if I am because thats what I must be. But I don't want that. That doesn't reflect who I am inside.

I wouldn't say I'm actually "bro-y" by any means. But just simply "masculine/gnc" encompasses me in terms of appearance and personality. And I dont want that left out just because I'm a woman, especially a woman who likes men.

Obviously there are people out there who wont diminish it, and even men who'll like it and be attracted to it, but that doesnt make it any easier. I still imagine myself as a trans man dating a man, because even if I'm trans, the "man" part makes it feel like my masculinity is somehow more "valid" and can't be challenged or dimmed by just existing next to cis men.

Regardless, this isn't going to stop me from detransitioning. It's just a weird dilemma I've run into that I'm not really sure how to work through.

I've been giving my gender a lot of thought lately (much more than I ever did when I originally decided to transition) and while I'm working on detransitioning, I keep imagining any future romantic partners being with me while I'm still a trans man. But a trans man specifically, not a cis man. Not ever a cis man. And usually in these musings, I'll still be a wife and a mother, even acknowledged to be a woman, but most people will still see and treat me as a man or even call me one despite the acknowledgement that I'm a woman. And I've started to wonder if it's more about masculinity than it is about being a man.

I've always been gender non-conforming. I do like some stereotypically feminine things, but I was always a "tomboy" growing up. Being gnc is a pretty important thing to me. It's kind of the way I express outwardly how I am inwardly. As much as I love the dichotomy of a feminine woman being a bro-y person in personality, I like my outward appearance to reflect what's inward. But I'm also a straight woman. And usually next to men, and especially in a relationship with a man, my masculinity is diminished. Not because of any "cis men are inherently more masculine" bullshit, but just because of societal norms, expectations, and misogyny. I'm the woman, so I'm supposed to be small and feminine and petite, quiet and caring, wearing sundresses and makeup or whatever the fuck. So even if I'm not that, people still treat me as if I am because thats what I must be. But I don't want that. That doesn't reflect who I am inside.

I wouldn't say I'm actually "bro-y" by any means. But just simply "masculine/gnc" encompasses me in terms of appearance and personality. And I dont want that left out just because I'm a woman, especially a woman who likes men.

Obviously there are people out there who wont diminish it, and even men who'll like it and be attracted to it, but that doesnt make it any easier. I still imagine myself as a trans man dating a man, because even if I'm trans, the "man" part makes it feel like my masculinity is somehow more "valid" and can't be challenged or dimmed by just existing next to cis men.

Regardless, this isn't going to stop me from detransitioning. It's just going to make me really damn picky with who I let into my life.