u/Blue__Jellyfish

Has anyone gone through detransition with a shaved head? I know its not ideal when trying to be seen as a woman, but Im so tired of my hair and my current haircut is major ass. The stylist botched it BAD when I told her to retain length. I just wanted some layers and bangs. I had thick shoulder-length hair and curls and she chopped it up to my jaw and thinned it heavily with shears, and added so many layers (that arent even symmetrical 🫩) that my hair no longer curls. It just doesnt have the length to do so anymore. She might as well have taken clippers with a long guard to my head. At least that would've looked better.

So I've genuinely been contemplating shaving my head. I've done it before and a buzzcut looks good on me, but I've never presented as a woman with a buzzcut before. My sister usually rocks one and most people tend to think she's sick or something (she's fine, she just has insanely thick hair and doesnt want to care for it).

My goal is to have healthy shoulder-length hair again. I've been oiling my scalp and doing scalp massages and stuff. I know shaving my head will make it take longer to get to my goal length, but just trying to fix my hair instead doesn't seem worth the effort. Like if I'm going to cut more, then I might a well cut it all? And just reset everything basically. Blank canvas. I've also been watching a lot of Avatar: The Last Airbender and I love the air nomads (who all have shaved heads at least to some extent) so that's probably not helping.

I'd probably only shave it twice before growing it again. And the second time would only be to get the hair dye out completely once my roots grow in more. Then it'd just be some maintainence here and there to make the awkward stages less awkward while I try to get it back to my shoulders.

Has anyone detransitioned while having a shaved head? Or even just lived life as a woman with one? Was it harder? Was it one less thing to worry about? Would you have chosen to have hair, even if it's a bad cut, instead?

Has anyone gone through detransition with a shaved head? I know its not ideal when trying to be seen as a woman, but Im so tired of my hair and my current haircut is major ass. The stylist botched it BAD when I told her to retain length. I just wanted some layers and bangs. I had thick shoulder-length hair and curls and she chopped it up to my jaw and thinned it heavily with shears, and added so many layers (that arent even symmetrical 🫩) that my hair no longer curls. It just doesnt have the length to do so anymore. She might as well have taken clippers with a long guard to my head. At least that would've looked better.

So I've genuinely been contemplating shaving my head. I've done it before and a buzzcut looks good on me, but I've never presented as a woman with a buzzcut before. My sister usually rocks one and most people tend to think she's sick or something (she's fine, she just has insanely thick hair and doesnt want to care for it).

My goal is to have healthy shoulder-length hair again. I've been oiling my scalp and doing scalp massages and stuff. I know shaving my head will make it take longer to get to my goal length, but just trying to fix my hair instead doesn't seem worth the effort. Like if I'm going to cut more, then I might a well cut it all? And just reset everything basically. Blank canvas. I've also been watching a lot of Avatar: The Last Airbender and I love the air nomads (who all have shaved heads at least to some extent) so that's probably not helping.

I'd probably only shave it twice before growing it again. And the second time would only be to get the hair dye out completely once my roots grow in more. Then it'd just be some maintainence here and there to make the awkward stages less awkward while I try to get it back to my shoulders.

Has anyone detransitioned while having a shaved head? Or even just lived life as a woman with one? Was it harder? Was it one less thing to worry about? Would you have chosen to have hair, even if it's a bad cut, instead?

Is anyone else like 90-100% convinced they're trans, but you're still choosing to detransition? Its not out of safety or finacial problems or lack of support or even thinking you'd be happier living as cis. Its more just like... I wasn't happy before, and I'm still not happy now. So whats the point of making my life harder? I dream about being a cis woman (not even a cis man, but maybe thats because cis woman is technically possible and cis man is not), I dream about a husband and kids, I dream about not being so outwardly queer (Im not even worried about danger, I just dont want strangers knowing such personal stuff about me by a glance).

I can afford transition, I have an amazing support system, I've luckily never dealt with discrimination for being trans. Im just tired of constantly being at war with my body and trying to pass. I dont even hate my body. I didnt hate it before T and surgery, and I dont hate it now. I only changed it to make social transition easier. Social transition was always the most important, and it's really my only source of dysphoria.

Has anyone else detransitioned just because it's easier?

Is anyone else like 90-100% convinced they're trans, but you're still choosing to detransition? Its not out of safety or finacial problems or lack of support or even thinking you'd be happier living as cis. Its more just like... I wasn't happy before, and I'm still not happy now. So whats the point of making my life harder? I dream about being a cis woman (not even a cis man, but maybe thats because cis woman is technically possible and cis man is not), I dream about a husband and kids, I dream about not being so outwardly queer (Im not even worried about danger, I just dont want strangers knowing such personal stuff about me by a glance).

I can afford transition, I have an amazing support system, I've luckily never dealt with discrimination for being trans. Im just tired of constantly being at war with my body and trying to pass. I dont even hate my body. I didnt hate it before T and surgery, and I dont hate it now. I only changed it to make social transition easier. Social transition was always the most important, and it's really my only source of dysphoria.

Has anyone else detransitioned just because it's easier?

The title might be confusing so let me explain. Even when I transitioned, I always inwardly accepted I was female. I never denied it or insisted I was biologically male. And accepting that I'm female never caused me any distress. All my "dysphoria" was social. I didnt have any dysphoria when I was alone. I only went through medical and legal transition to make the social aspect easier.

Now Im trying to detransition, but Im having a hard time accepting being perceived as/portraying myself as a woman. Inwardly I can acknowledge and accept it 100%, I even want to be a woman. But once someone calls me ma'am or she/her, I get upset. Which makes no sense because I have daydreams of being happy being called she, ma'am, girlfriend, wife, mother, etc. I dream about myself with long hair and breasts again. Even curves I never had pre-T. All female/feminine things. I want these things to feel right. I want to be able to outwardly accept Im female the way I do inwardly instead of still trying to pass as a man while telling myself I'm a woman.

How do I fix this??

The title might be confusing so let me explain. Even when I transitioned, I always inwardly accepted I was female. I never denied it or insisted I was biologically male. And accepting that I'm female never caused me any distress. All my "dysphoria" was social. I didnt have any dysphoria when I was alone. I only went through medical and legal transition to make the social aspect easier.

Now Im trying to detransition, but Im having a hard time accepting being perceived as/portraying myself as a woman. Inwardly I can acknowledge and accept it 100%, I even want to be a woman. But once someone calls me ma'am or she/her, I get upset. Which makes no sense because I have daydreams of being happy being called she, ma'am, girlfriend, wife, mother, etc. I dream about myself with long hair and breasts again. Even curves I never had pre-T. All female/feminine things. I want these things to feel right. I want to be able to outwardly accept Im female the way I do inwardly instead of still trying to pass as a man while telling myself I'm a woman.

How do I fix this??

So I had started kind of detransitioning a few months and my dad gave me shit for it (didnt tell him I was detransitioning, so he was being really rude about me not looking like a proper man), so I stopped detransitioning and cut my hair and got new clothes AGAIN and restarted T.

Well it's been 3 weeks and Ive already said fuck all that. Im using oils that are ~allegedly~ supposed to help hair growth and health, I've reverted my wardrobe and even thrown makeup into the mix (which is new), but I can not figure out what to do about testosterone.

3 weeks. 3 weeks Ive been on it and I ALREADY have vaginal atrophy problems. Most people can go years, even decades, without problems. Some unlucky people get a few months. Me? 3 weeks and it ALREADY HURTS. Its probably because I've already had this problem twice before, but that always showed up around a year and a half on T. But 3 weeks??? COME ON.

I already know I dont want to be on T again. But my doctor and I had to fight insurance so hard for it. And I already quit T once without telling her and basically ghosted her. She's been a saint about taking me as a patient again and helping me with my hormones. And shes not even an endocrinologist! Shes a gynecologist! And she did prescribe me vaginal estrogen cream as well so I'll clearly be using that, but I just want to quit T. But I fought so hard and bugged the hell out of her, if I quit T just 3 weeks after starting again Im afraid she'll drop me as a patient entirely because of how indecisive and noncompliant I am. But she deals with my birth control and is the only gynecologist open to lgbt patients, gender non-conforming patients, etc. She's incredibly sweet and open-minded. I can not find another doctor like her, not in my area.

Its also just embarrassing?? To go back and forth on something so quickly. I'm afraid she's going to think I'm unstable. Which... yes, I am a bit, but not to the extent it seems like. I was just convinced and pushed, I knew I didnt want this and that it was an impulsive decision. I literally chose to do it without thought and an hour later had an appointment for the next day. And then immediately got prescribed. If I had to wait a month for the appointment (her next opening), I would've canceled it before then.

I have no idea how to weasel my way out of this one. Im mortified by stopping T so quickly especially after all the fighting for it and bugging my doctor so much. Im terrified of what she's going to think of me. She's never given me any indication she's ever been upset with me, but shes also a professional and is used to having to maintain a level of professionalism. As a person? I have to be SO annoying to her. She HAS to be fed up with me. I cant imagine keeping my temper when dealing with constant medication-noncompliant patients.

I've been giving my gender a lot of thought lately (much more than I ever did when I originally decided to transition) and while I'm working on detransitioning, I keep imagining any future romantic partners being with me while I'm still a trans man. But a trans man specifically, not a cis man. Not ever a cis man. And usually in these musings, I'll still be a wife and a mother, even acknowledged to be a woman, but most people will still see and treat me as a man or even call me one despite the acknowledgement that I'm a woman. And I've started to wonder if it's more about masculinity than it is about being a man.

I've always been gender non-conforming. I do like some stereotypically feminine things, but I was always a "tomboy" growing up. Being gnc is a pretty important thing to me. It's kind of the way I express outwardly how I am inwardly. As much as I love the dichotomy of a feminine woman being a bro-y person in personality, I like my outward appearance to reflect what's inward. But I'm also a straight woman. And usually next to men, and especially in a relationship with a man, my masculinity is diminished. Not because of any "cis men are inherently more masculine" bullshit, but just because of societal norms, expectations, and misogyny. I'm the woman, so I'm supposed to be small and feminine and petite, quiet and caring, wearing sundresses and makeup or whatever the fuck. So even if I'm not that, people still treat me as if I am because thats what I must be. But I don't want that. That doesn't reflect who I am inside.

I wouldn't say I'm actually "bro-y" by any means. But just simply "masculine/gnc" encompasses me in terms of appearance and personality. And I dont want that left out just because I'm a woman, especially a woman who likes men.

Obviously there are people out there who wont diminish it, and even men who'll like it and be attracted to it, but that doesnt make it any easier. I still imagine myself as a trans man dating a man, because even if I'm trans, the "man" part makes it feel like my masculinity is somehow more "valid" and can't be challenged or dimmed by just existing next to cis men.

Regardless, this isn't going to stop me from detransitioning. It's just a weird dilemma I've run into that I'm not really sure how to work through.

I've been giving my gender a lot of thought lately (much more than I ever did when I originally decided to transition) and while I'm working on detransitioning, I keep imagining any future romantic partners being with me while I'm still a trans man. But a trans man specifically, not a cis man. Not ever a cis man. And usually in these musings, I'll still be a wife and a mother, even acknowledged to be a woman, but most people will still see and treat me as a man or even call me one despite the acknowledgement that I'm a woman. And I've started to wonder if it's more about masculinity than it is about being a man.

I've always been gender non-conforming. I do like some stereotypically feminine things, but I was always a "tomboy" growing up. Being gnc is a pretty important thing to me. It's kind of the way I express outwardly how I am inwardly. As much as I love the dichotomy of a feminine woman being a bro-y person in personality, I like my outward appearance to reflect what's inward. But I'm also a straight woman. And usually next to men, and especially in a relationship with a man, my masculinity is diminished. Not because of any "cis men are inherently more masculine" bullshit, but just because of societal norms, expectations, and misogyny. I'm the woman, so I'm supposed to be small and feminine and petite, quiet and caring, wearing sundresses and makeup or whatever the fuck. So even if I'm not that, people still treat me as if I am because thats what I must be. But I don't want that. That doesn't reflect who I am inside.

I wouldn't say I'm actually "bro-y" by any means. But just simply "masculine/gnc" encompasses me in terms of appearance and personality. And I dont want that left out just because I'm a woman, especially a woman who likes men.

Obviously there are people out there who wont diminish it, and even men who'll like it and be attracted to it, but that doesnt make it any easier. I still imagine myself as a trans man dating a man, because even if I'm trans, the "man" part makes it feel like my masculinity is somehow more "valid" and can't be challenged or dimmed by just existing next to cis men.

Regardless, this isn't going to stop me from detransitioning. It's just going to make me really damn picky with who I let into my life.

Detransitioning has been on and off my mind for probably around 2 years now. I tried to detransition twice but ended up doubling down on the trans stuff after a few weeks, mostly because of how my father reacted both times. I never told him I was detransitioning because I wasnt ready to tell people yet, so he kept arguing with me about how I was presenting and that no one would take me seriously as a man if I had long hair and wore women's clothes.

But honestly Im just exhausted of constantly trying to please people. I hate trying to be "masc enough" to be read as male, I hate trying to be "fem enough" to be considered conventionally attractive as a woman, I hate trying to live up to my father's hyperspecific expectations of how I have to look. So I decided fuck it. Im going to wear what I want and look how I want and whatever people think I am is none of my business.

This morning I told my mom I dont think Im trans and that I'm considering detransitioning, and she was incredibly supportive. She even offered to drive me to a city 2 hours away so we can go dress shopping (I was wearing a dress which brought up the conversation). And then I went into work wearing a dress and makeup for the first time after having always presented myself as a masculine man. I didnt even tell anyone at work I was trans so for all they know, I'm just an androgynous man in a dress. And while my hair is short now (cut it for my father 🫩), I had it styled in kind of an feminine alt way instead of letting it just stay a mess. No one said anything at all, and I even had one girl who's style I love tell me my outfit was "dope." It was a hyperfem outfit by any means, more like a feminine-leaning alternative style.

My makeup was just smudged black and purple eyeliner on my waterline and the dress was very plain (solid black, no shape to the dress. Kind of like a slip dress with sleeves and a turtleneck), and it has those slits in the side that go up high, so I put some baggy pants under it and it kind of reminds me of something you'd see in Avatar: The Last Airbender. But it was far more fem than I've dressed in a long while, especially in public. And my day was GREAT. Yesterday was one of the worst shifts I've ever worked (not even because of the job itself, my mental state surrounding gender was just so ass and I hit my limit and couldnt cope anymore which was the catalyst for now detransitioning again), but today I was peppy all day. I actually felt good about myself for once and like I was being myself instead of hiding away.

After work I bought some fun eyeliner colors, two different eyeshadow palettes, and a few dresses. And I couldn't be more excited.

Edit: I should mention my mom said I "look like a vampire" because of my hair and makeup (so very vaguely goth, I think, which is a compliment from her), one guy at work said my outfit is "really you" and one girl whos style I love said my outfit was "dope"

Basically Im tired. I'm exhausted. I hate taking shots (no needle phobia, I just dislike relying on a weekly shot), I hate fussing over my appearance only to still be misgendered, I hate getting upset at being misgendered, I hate body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria.

What if I just gave up? No shots, just said fuck my appearance for awhile. Who cares if I look a bit rough. I want long hair again (my stylist fucked it BAD. Chopped it when I told her to retain length), I want to just exist in baggy clothes for awhile. No effort. I'll still shower and otherwise take care of myself. This isnt like a full-blown depression episode or anything. Im just tired. I dont want to put effort in to look male anymore. I think I can be fine being called she/her or other female terms if Im not putting so much effort in. Its more understandable then. And maybe if I can just stop caring, I can live life mostly unburdened by gender. That'd be great.

I dont know what I'll do about my gender marker and name change. Leave it for now. Maybe years down the line if this works, I'll revisit it. I have better things to do and other things I want more anyway. Like hair extensions, and a husband and a house and kids.

Has anyone else just given up on transitioning like this? Instead of taken active steps to detransition? I know my voice will get me read as male a lot, but honestly I could not care less. I dont talk much anyway. Im just tired.

Basically Im tired. I posted about this yesterday but Im exhausted. I hate taking shots (no needle phobia, I just dislike relying on a weekly shot), I hate fussing over my appearance only to still be misgendered, I hate getting upset at being misgendered, I hate body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria.

What if I just gave up? No shots, just said fuck my appearance for awhile. Who cares if I look a bit rough. I want long hair again (my stylist fucked it BAD. Chopped it when I told her to retain length), I want to just exist in baggy clothes for awhile. No effort. I'll still shower and otherwise take care of myself. This isnt like a full-blown depression episode or anything. Im just tired. I dont want to put effort in to look male anymore. I think I can be fine being called she/her or other female terms if Im not putting so much effort in. Its more understandable then. And maybe if I can just stop caring, I can live life mostly unburdened by gender. That'd be great.

I dont know what I'll do about my gender marker and name change. Leave it for now. Maybe years down the line if this works, I'll revisit it. I have better things to do and other things I want more anyway. Like hair extensions, and a husband and a house and kids.

Has anyone else just given up on transitioning like this? Instead of taken active steps to detransition? I know my voice will get me read as male a lot, but honestly I could not care less. I dont talk much anyway. Im just tired.

If it was possible to just live as a trans man and pass 100% without having to do anything, I would. Im tired of shots every week, Im tired of fussing over every aspect of my appearance, Im tired of body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria. If I could just exist and live as a man 100% without doing anything or being questioned by anyone, that'd be great. But I cant. Thats just not how it works. And Im tired. I think if I have to, I could probably be content detransitioning so long as friends and family still refer to me with male terms, even if they otherwise see me as and treat me as a woman. Social transition was always more important to me anyway. I dont know what I'd do about the legal changes though. I dont know if I have the energy or if I care enough to change my name and sex on everything again. I just want to stop trying and exist as whatever I am. Or whatever my body decides to be.

Im tired.

So for the last few years, I've been on this "all natural" kick. Whole foods, minimalist soaps and shampoos (effective enough to clean but not nearly as harsh as normal stuff), minimalist enviroment to not be overly stressing (too much going on in the enviroment is overwhelming to me), barefoot shoes, mineral sunscreen, wearing linens, etc. Its gotten to the point that it might be a bit of a problem.

I've been on and off T for many years, changed many things about my appearance, and about a year ago finally got top surgery. I dont regret it and its been a huge boon to my daily life. My overall quality of life has dramatically increased, and my mental health is out of the gutter. But I occasionally get these pretty distressing and almost like.. invasive type thoughts? Always about feeling "unnatural" or like I've rejected nature itself. I'm not religious, and I was never raised in a religion or around one either. So I dont think this is any sort of religious guilt (Christian specifically is what comes to mind). But I guess you could say I'm "spiritual"? Connecting with nature and learning the ways our very distant ancestors lived is kind of what I hold dear. Also just taking care of the land and respecting it as a living entity in and of itself. Hippie shit, I guess. But not with all the hippie ideals.

Whats odd though is that it doesnt apply to everything. I still get my vaccines, I still use modern medicines, if I need healthcare of any sort I'll get it. I wear glasses to help my eyes and I feel no guilt or shame. But right now I also have invisalign (a type of braces) and I feel minorly guilty over that. Like I'm changing my body against what it was supposed to be. But I dont feel guilty over testosterone which you could argue has done the same. So I really cant figure out where this line is drawn. Its definitely not a "permanent vs non-permanent" line since invisalign at my age isnt permanent and I'll need to wear a retainer for the rest of my life. But surgery absolutely is permanent. And some effects of T are too, while others aren't.

I really can't figure out where this line drawn. And without that, I feel like I cant move past this feeling of my body being "unnatural." Some of what I've done almost feels like a betrayal of myself. But I also needed these things to live the same way I need other types of medicine and medical care. But apparently my brain just isnt processing that the same.

How do I move past this??

So for the last few years, I've been on this "all natural" kick. Whole foods, minimalist soaps and shampoos (effective enough to clean but not nearly as harsh as normal stuff), minimalist enviroment to not be overly stressing (too much going on in the enviroment is overwhelming to me), barefoot shoes, mineral sunscreen, wearing linens, etc. Its gotten to the point that it might be a bit of a problem.

I've been on and off T for many years, changed many things about my appearance, and about a year ago finally got top surgery. I dont regret it and its been a huge boon to my daily life. My overall quality of life has dramatically increased, and my mental health is out of the gutter. But I occasionally get these pretty distressing and almost like.. invasive type thoughts? Always about feeling "unnatural" or like I've rejected nature itself. I'm not religious, and I was never raised in a religion or around one either. So I dont think this is any sort of religious guilt (Christian specifically is what comes to mind). But I guess you could say I'm "spiritual"? Connecting with nature and learning the ways our very distant ancestors lived is kind of what I hold dear. Also just taking care of the land and respecting it as a living entity in and of itself. Hippie shit, I guess. But not with all the hippie ideals.

Whats odd though is that it doesnt apply to everything. I still get my vaccines, I still use modern medicines, if I need healthcare of any sort I'll get it. I wear glasses to help my eyes and I feel no guilt or shame. But right now I also have invisalign (a type of braces) and I feel minorly guilty over that. Like I'm changing my body against what it was supposed to be. But I dont feel guilty over testosterone which you could argue has done the same. So I really cant figure out where this line is drawn. Its definitely not a "permanent vs non-permanent" line since invisalign at my age isnt permanent and I'll need to wear a retainer for the rest of my life. But surgery absolutely is permanent. And some effects of T are too, while others aren't.

I really can't figure out where this line drawn. And without that, I feel like I cant move past this feeling of my body being "unnatural." Some of what I've done almost feels like a betrayal of myself. But I also needed these things to live the same way I need other types of medicine and medical care. But apparently my brain just isnt processing that the same.

How do I move past this??

So for the last few years, I've been on this "all natural" kick. Whole foods, minimalist soaps and shampoos (effective enough to clean but not nearly as harsh as normal stuff), minimalist enviroment to not be overly stressing (too much going on in the enviroment is overwhelming to me), barefoot shoes, mineral sunscreen, wearing linens, etc. Its gotten to the point that it might be a bit of a problem.

I've been on and off T for many years (back on now and intend to stay on), changed many things about my appearance, and about a year ago finally got top surgery. I dont regret it and its been a huge boon to my daily life. My overall quality of life has dramatically increased, and my mental health is out of the gutter. But I occasionally get these pretty distressing and almost like.. invasive type thoughts? Always about feeling "unnatural" or like I've rejected nature itself. I'm not religious, and I was never raised in a religion or around one either. So I dont think this is any sort of religious guilt (Christian specifically is what comes to mind). But I guess you could say I'm "spiritual"? Connecting with nature and learning the ways our very distant ancestors lived is kind of what I hold dear. Also just taking care of the land and respecting it as a living entity in and of itself. Hippie shit, I guess. But not with all the hippie ideals.

Whats odd though is that it doesnt apply to everything. I still get my vaccines, I still use modern medicines, if I need healthcare of any sort I'll get it. I wear glasses to help my eyes and I feel no guilt or shame. But right now I also have invisalign (a type of braces) and I feel minorly guilty over that. Like I'm changing my body against what it was supposed to be. But I dont feel guilty over testosterone which you could argue has done the same. So I really cant figure out where this line is drawn. Its definitely not a "permanent vs non-permanent" line since invisalign at my age isnt permanent and I'll need to wear a retainer for the rest of my life. But surgery absolutely is permanent. And some effects of T are too, while others aren't.

I really can't figure out where this line drawn. And without that, I feel like I cant move past this feeling of my body being "unnatural." Some of what I've done almost feels like a betrayal of myself. But I also needed these things to live the same way I need other types of medicine and medical care. But apparently my brain just isnt processing that the same.

How do I move past this??

I've been out as trans for many years, was on T for years too and had top surgery. Ive been off T for 4 months and have been growing out my hair. Its down to my shoulders now and Im gendered female by strangers almost 100% of the time unless they hear me speak first. Im still learning to take care of my new hair length since I havent had hair this long since I was 10, and it's definitely been a process. But a process I've enjoyed. I've also been enjoying experimenting with clothes and different styles, all which lean kind of feminine or androgynous instead of strict, basic masc.

A few months ago I decided I wanted to start detransitioning, hence being off testosterone and experimenting with things. But I never told anyone irl, only some online friends to test the waters. My dad has always been very supportive of my transition (even if a bit misdirected with that support sometimes. "He's a little confused, but he's got the spirit"). So he's taken note of me not passing anymore and we got into a little argument about it. It wasnt long at all, just a few sentences from both of us where I was trying to express that he never likes what I do or look like regardless of anything, and he was pointing out the reasons I dont pass and trying to say he does like what I do and how I look, its just not his personal favorite and that it wasnt doing me any favors.

I know he was just trying to guide me in the right direction since he doesnt know about any of my detransition thoughts, but ever since that conversation, I've lost all will to detransition. Its not that I still want to but feel unsupported, but rather the feeling is just gone entirely and there's no motivation to do anything else with it. I scheduled a haircut a week from now (not for anything super short, but shorter than what I have), I've been wearing the type of clothes he said he thinks I'd look good in (minus the button ups... ugh. I just wear solid color men's Reebok shirts), and Im restarting T. These things all *feel* like I personally want them (or consider them a necessary sacrifice to acheive my goals), and it feels like it's my choice and a decision I made on my own. But I wonder.

There's a small part of me in the back of my head asking if Im making a mistake. Up until a few days ago, I was getting ready to come out to my stepmom as detrans, and now that Im restarting T (and did that so suddenly), I cant exactly come out to her anymore. I feel like I just have to shove that down and move on. I literally only decided to restart T yesterday (I dont even remember my reason anymore), had the appointment today, and am restarting tomorrow.

My father has always been very good at changing my mind like this. I dont think its manipulation. It's at the very least not intentional or malicious. I've taken psych classes and classic manipulation doesnt match. I've just always been very influenced by him ever since I was a little kid. Some of my first memories are of loving him so much and wanting to be just like him. I chose my favorite color based off his, I wore his old shirts and jackets despite them being comically large, I was always so happy to look like him, I'd copy his body language and movements, my favorite shows were his favorite shows, I could keep going. Basically his approval means a lot to me and always has. I always was a true "daddys girl." And he's always loved me unconditionally (Genuinely. I've put him through hell and back all my life with my different problems and he's still so patient with me and still trying to help).

But given the timing of me making all these changes, I just cant help but wonder if its actually me making the decisions or if I just convinced myself its what I want based oj what my father has expressed. This all also comes right after a nonbinary person (who used to identify as ftm) asked me if I thought just being a cis woman was easier and more acheivable than being a man. And... yeah. I do think it'd be easier. Given my anatomy and things I want in life, it would be a hell of a lot easier. Which kind of makes me wonder if I wouldve been okay with detransitioning or if I just wanted an easier more normal life.

Changing my mind after a conversation with my father has happened many times before. He doesnt set out to convince me to change my mind. It just sort of happens when he shares his thoughts or experiences. He was the reason I cut my hair last time I tried to grow it out. He's the reason I want kids after spending my whole life saying I'll never have them. He's the reason I painted my room the color I did (apparently having long hair is too much for a man, but a lilac bedroom is fine. Idk the logic there).

Im just not sure where to go from here.

Im thinking about breast recontstruction. I originally got a double mastectomy with nipple grafts. Is it possible to graft the nipples again (I'd 100% have to move mine, they're not even remotely close in the right place for breasts) or will I have to remove them entirely? Idk how grafting skin works but I assume it's probably not recommended to move the graft twice. My nipples did heal with no problems though if that makes a difference?