You don’t actually want to be a woman
A letter to myself
It’s not like this just began out of nowhere. You would secretly wear your mother’s sweaters in middle school. You experimented with makeup around the same time too. You wanted to wear a cheerleader’s outfit when you were 8.
You picked crossdressing back up in college. You spent thousands on makeup, clothes, accessories, and perfume. You pimped yourself out online for men and made thousands off of them. You were told how beautiful and pretty you looked. And physically you were. Even as a crossdresser, you were mistaken for being a cis woman by others. You carefully curated outfits and aesthetics.
You flirted with men online and on dating apps. You had a guy obsess over you and he became somewhat close with you.
You got called an egg one day and spiraled. You thought you were trans. You thought it was a real identity. You researched HRT and surgeries. You experimented with pronouns.
But, you also got addicted to porn way too young. And it’s not your fault, that type of content was made way too easily accessible. You learned to sexualize and objectify femininity. You saw trans women online and projected your feelings. You looked at transition timelines and those transwomen who transitioned later and older women in Hollywood and thought “That could be me.”
And of course all of this was arousing. And one might think “Surely, you must be in denial to reject being trans.”
But the truth is…none of this made you happy.
The happiest time of your life was in 2015 when you finished your sophomore year of high school. It was a sunny day and you were coming off a great semester. You were just a boy then listening to “I Wonder” as you were walking back home from a chemistry final exam. And, for the entire rest of the year you felt a bliss that extended beyond happiness.
The amount of times you thought of gender then? 0.
See, autogynephilia is absolutely real. You have it. But the thing is, you never wanted to be a woman. You wanted a pair of tits. You wanted an hourglass figure and smooth skin. You wanted to look sexy. But you never wanted to be a woman. You mistook objectification for confidence and horny DM’s from men as praise.
But self-love doesn’t come from dick pics and body parts. And a woman ain’t her breasts or butt.
Is an old nun who’s had a mastectomy still a woman? Would you want to be her?
What about Harriet Tubman? You know she was whipped all her life and risked her life to free others in her circumstances. She was no model. But she was one hell of a woman. And would you want to be her? Did she ever cross your mind during that whole era of your life?
You know how weird it is to get aroused just putting on a pair of panties? You used to think it was harmless. But think about what you were doing. You had a sexualized relationship with a piece of everyday clothing and thought you were connecting with femininity through doing that.
You were just fetishizing femininity through clothes. That’s why even owning a clothing item as small as that just reinforces that kind of relationship. Crossdressing isn’t always healthy.
But, it doesn’t have to be that way.
You own a pair of women’s doc Martin boots. They make you feel confident. You can still crossdress. Buy a nice pair of women’s work pants from Theory instead of cheap panties from SHEIN. Feel the difference between arousal and empowerment.
Because femininity was never about fetishizing or objectifying.
Things changed once you began seeing women differently. You looked up “female role models” one day. You found Audrey Hepburn and fell in love with her, not the movie star. Reading her biographies about how she survived Nazi occupied Holland as a starving child and toured nations as a UNICEF ambassador while knocking on death’s door with cancer while holding dying children in war zones showed you that femininity ain’t weakness, it’s steel wrapped in silk.
Because the truth is none of those shitty podcast bros or ex military guys selling merch online could’ve led such a masterclass in humility and strength like she did.
When you learned to have female role models and admire femininity for its strength, you changed. And you realized that you don’t have to act as some macho guy or have giant muscles to be strong.
You got rid of all your crossdressing clothes, and many would say you purged and it’ll all come back. But, it didn’t feel like rage. It felt like a gentle letting go. Because the truth is that you’re sitting here typing this while wearing Guerlain Feve Gourmand not because you find it arousing, but because you find it beautiful.
So go out and live your life. You’ve already come so far this year. You moved across the country by yourself, got into a great field, got your own car, quit gaming, started photography, and shed unhealthy connections. You don’t think about gender as much anymore and fill your weekends with activities. There is just so much beauty in aging naturally with grace. Audrey once said she earned every wrinkle. Remember 2015.