Could I be dysphoric?
I just always assumed I couldn’t be trans because I didn’t hate what I saw when I looked in the mirror my whole life.
But I’ve felt for a very long time this disconnect with my emotions, like everything I want and what I articulate I want is pulled between two impulses. One that seems more pure and one that seems self conscious wanting me to be typical. I always assumed that was just my autism.
On top of that, I used to have some internalized misandry. I knew it was wrong, but I felt that men are evil and it’s wrong to be one. So I hated myself for being a man.
I also have this sense of dread about the future and living and aging as a man, having the male role in life has been creeping up on me. I’m not sure if that’s just a poor idea of what constitutes being a man in life that’s coming from me and that I could fix my self perception and perception of life with CBT or if that’s dysphoria.
After I started identifying as nonbinary I felt less bad about that and also stopped having internalized misandry. I like men more than before, and I empathize with them more than when I thought of myself as a man. I seem more healthy in how I think about both myself and others. I kinda want to feminize after I move out of my parents’ house. To see if doing that, transitioning, gives me more clarity, makes me feel more whole.
Do you think I could be deceiving myself?
I will talk to a mental health professional as well.