u/Dependent_Mall_6186

I (21) was assigned male at birth. I've had thoughts of wanting to be a girl ever since i was little. They were never too serious, and i never heavily considered transitioning. The most I've seriously considered in the past is being nonbinary. Recently, I've wanted to explore those feelings more.

I never felt that i fit the role of manhood well. Until 3rd grade my social circle was entirely girls, and i remember feeling left out by our parents because im a boy and boys dont do these things, or boys cant have sleepovers with girls. I was always bullied for being feminine or having feminine interests, but over time i hammered those out to the point where i could comfortably engage with and maintain relationships with men.

I've never found myself attractive. In high school had an eating disorder and body dysmorphia, but after taking therapy I became far more comfortable in my body, even if i didn't particularly like it.

I recently decided i wanted to try cross dressing and get some breast forms to see how i feel looking at myself that way. I went to goodwill and got some blouses, skirts, fem pants, and i got some basic make-up.

Last night me and my partner (21, NB) got me all dressed up for the first time. We did my makeup, got the right clothes to emphasize my curves, and ofc I wore the breast forms. For the first time in my life i felt genuinely attractive. I could look in the mirror with my partner and not feel that i needed to look away from myself.

I hadn't realized how much i still feel uncomfortable with my body. I don't necessary feel fully comfortable fem either, but i felt better. I felt genuinely sexy and desirable.

I felt good last night. Later, when i was taking it off it made me so depressed. It all felt so fake. I felt ugly. I was scared to look in the mirror. I wanted the breast forms off but i didnt want to see myself without them. I wanted to stay as that version of myself.

I cried and I keep on crying. I don't understand what I'm feeling. Maybe its gender dysphoria, or maybe I'm just depressed and wish i was someone else. I can't tell if I'm acting or being true to myself. The fact that I'm attracted to myself like that is simultaneously validating and so invalidating.

I called out of work today because emotionally im all over the place. I don't want to go outside fem or masc. I feel so uncomfortable with everything. I feel hyper aware of judgment from everyone. I don't even know how to explain my emotional state without sharing more than I'm comfortable with but i feel a strong urge to talk to people. Maybe im just moving faster than my emotions can catch up.

Is all of this normal? I don't feel like i know the slightest thing about being queer or trans. Im not looking forward to having conversations with cisgender people about this. How do you all manage these emotions?

I'm just so confused and low key spiraling, so any advice or support would be much appreciated.

Edit: Is this dysphoria?

I (21) was assigned male at birth. I've had thoughts of wanting to be a girl ever since i was little. They were never too serious, and i never heavily considered transitioning. The most I've seriously considered in the past is being nonbinary. Recently, I've wanted to explore those feelings more.

I never felt that i fit the role of manhood well. Until 3rd grade my social circle was entirely girls, and i remember feeling left out by our parents because im a boy and boys dont do these things, or boys cant have sleepovers with girls. I was always bullied for being feminine or having feminine interests, but over time i hammered those out to the point where i could comfortably engage with and maintain relationships with men.

I've never found myself attractive. In high school had an eating disorder and body dysmorphia, but after taking therapy I became far more comfortable in my body, even if i didn't particularly like it.

I recently decided i wanted to try cross dressing and get some breast forms to see how i feel looking at myself that way. I went to goodwill and got some blouses, skirts, fem pants, and i got some basic make-up.

Last night me and my partner (21, NB) got me all dressed up for the first time. We did my makeup, got the right clothes to emphasize my curves, and ofc I wore the breast forms. For the first time in my life i felt genuinely attractive. I could look in the mirror with my partner and not feel that i needed to look away from myself.

I hadn't realized how much i still feel uncomfortable with my body. I don't necessary feel fully comfortable fem either, but i felt better. I felt genuinely sexy and desirable.

I felt good last night. Later, when i was taking it off it made me so depressed. It all felt so fake. I felt ugly. I was scared to look in the mirror. I wanted the breast forms off but i didnt want to see myself without them. I wanted to stay as that version of myself.

I cried and I keep on crying. I don't understand what I'm feeling. Maybe its gender dysphoria, or maybe I'm just depressed and wish i was someone else. I can't tell if I'm acting or being true to myself. The fact that I'm attracted to myself like that is simultaneously validating and so invalidating.

I called out of work today because emotionally im all over the place. I don't want to go outside fem or masc. I feel so uncomfortable with everything. I feel hyper aware of judgment from everyone. I don't even know how to explain my emotional state without sharing more than I'm comfortable with but i feel a strong urge to talk to people. Maybe im just moving faster than my emotions can catch up.

Is all of this normal? I don't feel like i know the slightest thing about being queer or trans. Im not looking forward to having conversations with cisgender people about this.

I'm just so confused and low key spiraling, so any advice or support would be much appreciated.