First three weeks with Estradiol 2 mg (37 MTF). I feel I have the brain I stopped having after puberty and my anxiety and blood pressure levels are coming back to normal. Did I have chemical dysphoria?
Hello,
I am a 37-year-old trans woman (MTF). For as long as I can remember, I have rejected being a man. I have always felt much more comfortable around women than men, and I have struggled with mental health issues since puberty.
For many years, I wondered what changed in me after puberty. However, I didn’t seriously consider transitioning until about a year ago. Even now, I don’t feel 100% like a woman, but I do feel much more like a woman than a man—and that difference causes me significant dysphoria.
With my therapist, I decided to try hormone therapy. After only three weeks on estradiol, I am amazed by how much my mental health has improved. Before starting, I experienced panic attacks almost every day. They were especially intense when I dressed in a more feminine way or allowed myself not to perform masculinity.
Since starting hormones, I feel like I am recovering the brain I used to have before puberty. My mind feels clearer, with less brain fog, anxiety, and irritability.
I still have moments of panic where I wonder if I am making a mistake. Part of this fear comes from my situation: I am a lawyer in a very conservative city (even though my country is generally progressive), and my family does not support me. It feels like I am risking everything on one decision.
However, I am also noticing very real improvements. For example, today I went to court without the usual symptoms I always had before a trial—no dry mouth, no shaking. I just felt… normal. Not perfect, maybe a bit nervous, but in a healthy and manageable way.
I am also sleeping better and functioning well even with a lower dosage of my ADHD medication.
At the same time, I feel pressure from people who warn me about the risks of hormone therapy, like blood clots. This scares me. My blood pressure has always been high, but now it is going down, and I am not used to feeling this… calm and stable.
Another source of uncertainty is the physical changes. I like having less body hair, and I’m happy with my facial laser treatment. But I’m not sure how I feel about breast development.
What scares me the most is the possibility of being wrong and “ruining” my life. Right now, I feel more normal than I ever have—I am not in survival mode for the first time in my life. But continuing hormone therapy feels like choosing between two difficult paths:
- Being happier and mentally stable, but potentially losing my career and financial security
- Or keeping my career, but continuing to struggle with my mental health
So I wanted to ask:
Has anyone else experienced something like this—where the dysphoria feels more “chemical” or mental than physical?