r/nonmonogamy

Hey everyone,

I’m trying to unpack my feelings around non-monogamy. When I imagine starting an open relationship, my main hurdle isn't actually the thought of my partner being with someone else. Instead, it comes down to emotional availability and the logistics of who needs who.

First, I worry about the pressure of managing competing needs. In a monogamous relationship, if my partner needs me, I can easily drop my other plans to be there for them. But in non-monogamy, what happens if I have two partners and they both need my support at the exact same time? How do you choose without making someone feel less important?

Second, I worry about the flip side: feeling abandoned or deprioritized. If I’m going through a tough time and need my partner, but they are currently prioritizing another relationship or supporting their other partner, I know I’d struggle.

Is this a specific flavor of jealousy? It feels less about envy over who they are with, and more about a fear of losing that security of being the default "first choice" in a crisis. How do you handle the anxiety of not always being able to be there for each other?

I am a woman with several FWBs. One of the fantasies I have been trying to make come true is a threesome with two men. Recently all three partners indicated they would be interested. I joked to one that maybe we just make it a gangbang and he was enthusiastically on board. I mentioned it to the other two out of curiosity and they are both interested as well. I asked all three what is it that appeals to them and only one could articulate that for him, it was like getting to watch porn in real life. So I am curious. If you are a man who enjoys gangbangs, would you mind sharing your reason?

We were switching over from monogamy to nonmonogamy. I wanted to have conversations about expectations and agreements. She called those conversations burdensome and exhausting. She told me it shouldn't matter and that none of my concerns were a big deal. I felt like I had to drag her into these conversations, like getting a middle schooler to do her homework

Now several months later after everything's gone to shit and we've broken up and my entire life has been turned upside down, and everything from my housing to my career to my social life has been set back by years, she keeps telling me over and over again how sorry she is. But then still says shit like this

What's ironic is she calls herself a relationship anarchist, but apparently ignores the part of the manifesto that specifically says that you should deliberately communicate

I think she might actually be more of a relationship libertarian. Just wants to do what she wants when she wants, and I'm overbearing and controlling and have "poor interpersonal skills" when I want to talk about how that affects me

My girlfriend (30F) and I (35M) have been together for four years. Recently we were at a family gathering, and her sister, who is known for having absolutely no filter, started telling my girlfriend about some guy who apparently thinks she's cute.

I don't think her sister realized I could hear the conversation, but I was close enough to catch it. I don't have any reason to believe she's acted on it or anything, but it made me realize that maybe there should be some kind of an open relationship. I admittedly don't have sex with her as much as I should and I feel guilty about it.

Is there anyone that's been in a situation remotely similar to this and have any non-awful experiences as a result?

My husband and I were in the middle of having sex when he asked if I’d be willing to have a threesome with another woman.
I told him no. I said I wasn’t comfortable with it, and I explained that I don’t want to watch my husband have sex with someone else. He kept asking, and I kept saying no.
After that, he completely lost interest in having sex with me, stopped everything, and barely spoke to me. Later he told me he doesn’t see a threesome as love—just sex—and that the other person would basically just be a “sex toy.”
Now I’m left feeling confused. Am I overreacting for feeling hurt by how he responded? I don’t judge people who enjoy threesomes, but I don’t want one in my marriage. I’m also worried that saying no made him upset enough to completely shut down. Okay the thing is.. he has brought this up in the past and I told him no already. But yet he still
Keeps insisting… we were literally having the best time and then he knows I’m damn well I’m going to say no. So why bring it back up? I don’t know.. should I just say yes to please him? Because I don’t want him to think I’m no fun. I am. I mean there’s other things we can do to have fun.
Has anyone else experienced something like this? How would you interpret his reaction?

We always hear the success stories. The "we met our dream couple and played all night and now we're best friends" posts. Cool. But let's talk about the disasters.

Boundaries crossed. Bad hygiene. Performance issues that got super awkward. Jealousy blowing up out of nowhere. Someone crying. Fights in the car on the way home. You know the stuff nobody puts in their highlight reel.

Even if it didn't happen to you personally, share something you witnessed at a club or party or hotel takeover. Like a couple exploding mid-swap. A guy who couldn't get hard then blamed everyone else in the room. A wife who seemed totally fine then lost her shit in the parking lot.

What's the worst you've been through or seen? The one that made you say "yeah never again."

Throwaway accounts welcome. Just trying to keep it real.

**My boyfriend says he doesn’t believe in prioritizing romantic relationships over friendships. Am I being unreasonable?**

I’ve (32F) been dating my boyfriend (40M) for 8 months. He’s only ever had monogamous relationships, but he’s skeptical that lifelong monogamy is realistic. He says attraction to other people is inevitable and isn’t convinced choosing one person forever is necessarily the right model. I told him attraction is inevitable for me too, but commitment is choosing your partner anyway. He wasn’t sure he agreed, but said he’s ‘willing tk explore it with me’ and that so far, I’m the healthiest relationship he’s been in.

He’s also friends with several ex-lovers. The one I’m struggling with is a woman he friend-zoned just before we met. She admitted she had feelings for him, and I’m fairly sure she still does. He insists he has zero romantic interest in her and that ‘if he had a crush on her, he’d tell me.’

This week I’m about to leave for three weeks, and my visa situation is uncertain, so I told him I’d really like our last few days together to feel intentional. Instead, on our second-to-last evening together, I didn’t hear from him all day. I checked in at 8 pm and he said he was just now walking into a lecture and performance and that i should join him after at the bar.

I later found out that he had gone to that performance with this woman who has feelings for him and didn’t tell me. I blew up his phone and spiraled — I’m so embarrassed. He got defensive and didn’t comfort me. When I called to talk about it the next day, be he was open about telling me he ‘met her at the lecture’ but insisted he did nothing wrong and if i wanted to see him i could have reached out.

When I told him I felt hurt and deprioritized, he said he doesn’t believe romantic relationships should take priority over friendships - he doesn’t like traditional hierarchal relationship statuses. He also said telling him I felt anxious about him spending time with her made him feel controlled.

For people who lean poly or relationship anarchist: is this a common philosophy? Or are we just fundamentally incompatible?

Is it unreasonable to expect your partner to prioritize your relationship, especially when you’re about to spend weeks apart, or is that just a monogamous assumption?

Ive always thought I was monogomus but here lately I've been wanting my fiance and I to have a 3 some he's totally down for it and it's not like we'd be in a relationship with another person. But like I still struggle a bit with the whole we live in the Bible belt and it was hammered into me that wanting anyone but your partner is bad and means the relationship will fail.

Okay, so I, F20, have been approached by two best friends of the same age to have a threesome. I do know these two, we are like, somewhat friends or friendly with each other. And yeah, we've run in the same social circle for a while. It has been like on my to-do list to want to be in a threesome. However, I'm scared. I've never been in one before, and I don't know what to expect, I don't know what to do. And yeah, I'm low-key panicking because like the day for it is approaching and how do I prepare for it, and how can I get past the awkwardness of it? Like, I really don't know if I can handle the awkwardness of it. Please help. Give me, can I have advice or experience or something, anything, please😩😩

I (22 W pansexual) and my partner (26 M straight) have been in a relationship for 3 years. I’ve always been open about my sexuality, and he’s always been accepting of me. I’ve been with him since I was 18, and I can feel my outlook on relationships changing.

Back in November, I was finally comfortable enough to express my want for an open relationship because I have a desire for being intimate with women, and he was open to it. We started talking about it, but weren’t too sure about how to properly place parameters. This is where I should’ve known he wasn’t ready. I kept asking him questions about boundaries and his expectations, but he couldn’t give me a clear answer on either. He kept saying he would see how he felt after something flirtatious or sexual happened, so I believed him. As for my own boundaries, I don’t care if he sleeps with other people I just want him to be honest with me and continue treating me like he has been.

Over the next few months, I flirted with a girl and told him after and he said it didn’t make him feel negative so that’s ok. I kissed a girl and told him after and he said that didn’t make him feel negative either. Back in May, I finally had my first sexual encounter with a woman that made me feel so empowered in my sexuality and in myself. The encounter wasn’t planned at all, but I told him the morning after it happened and his reaction was not was I was expecting. He said he felt betrayed and disrespected that I didn’t tell him I was going to have sex with her before it happened. I felt so destroyed because I didn’t think he’d feel hurt this way. He said he felt cheated on and like I chose someone else over him but I thought our conversations before was reassurance on our relationship being ok even if we explored other people. I didn’t do it in secret, I didn’t deliberately keep it from him. I told him immediately after because I thought that was the right thing to do.

His reaction confused me because he didn’t tell me he wanted our communication to be “ask for permission before having sex”. I was under the assumption that our conversation would be like the ones before. I thought the “we’ll see how we feel after it happens” applied to sex too, but I guess I was mistaken. If I 100% knew that was what he wanted me to do, I would’ve done it. Now I feel stuck with this guilt of losing his trust and making him feel betrayed.

Another month went by with us trying to talk through our emotions until yesterday. He told me he thinks he can work through it better if we become platonic friends to preserve our relationship, that way I can be free to explore myself. I asked him does that mean we’ll still have the label of being romantic partners and he said yes…

Does he want us to be platonic friends and romantic partners at the same time? Isn’t that the dynamic we already have? Maybe he just needs time and space? I’m so confused on what he really wants. Can anyone else relate to this situation?

Twice now, once while intoxicated and once while sober, my wife has admitted to fantasizing about other women with my dick. She has also said that she wonders if she’s “a little bi” and often comments on womens breasts.

I don’t really know how to respond. I wouldn’t mind trying that one day if she keeps insisting but I also don’t think she knows how jealous she might get. It would be a total turnoff for me if she got even remotely angry or sad. I love her so much that I would be constantly looking at her face for approval just to keep an erection during something like a MFF and I would constantly be wondering if she’s okay.

Hello, me and my wife are trying to explore things.

But we can't find people near us who are interested in threesome and we don't like to get involve to someone we know.

Any suggestions?

TL;DR and reason for posting here at the bottom.

Backstory:
Hi there, I vowed to never post on one of these Reddit pages again because I didn’t agree with the advice and it all worked out in the end. I’ve been in a relationship with the same partner for 14 years. We were engaged, for 5 years now, I think. She wanted to elope and I want her to have the biggest ceremony we can. We had the money at one point but opted to get a house instead of staying in an apartment. Things were good. We have had a multitude of issues like any couple for this amount of time but we have pulled through and become stronger because of it. It was up and down but never stepped into “splitting up territory for around 10 years now”. She and I worked at the same place for a couple years Female- 2 years, myself- 12 long years. August of last year she was fired and I was forced out because it was “that job, or her kind of thing” they basically forced me to withdraw my retirement and leave is the short version.

Recent events:
She and I were both unemployed and drawing benefits for around 5 months. She was actively seeking, I was (at this time) planning to go back and so I was waiting for my layoff to end. She found a job, I am living on my retirement basically now.

What happened:
We both play mmo videogames together she had a guy in her discord dm’s who was getting overly sexual and she told me he was making unwanted advances. So, she had the thought of just deleting the messages, but we have had issues in the past with her doing this and she has actively been unfaithful on 3 different occasions in our relationship. She opted to be honest with me, so I took it extremely well and said to just give him the ground rules and tell him you aren’t interested. All goes fine well a few days later it turns out that she sexted him with me sleeping on the couch right next to her. This explanation was a lot more accusatory like “I should be fine with it” “she just used him as a sex toy, it’s not a big deal” “why am I hurt it’s totally fine?”. Come to find out, she doesn’t feel appreciated and ugly. I have been depressed too long losing my job of 12 years. Basically, she has moved on and can’t understand why I won’t move on and my depression has been making me neglect her. I agree in the last 8 months I have been argumentative and depressed. I have been neglectful at times. Now, I have reviewed myself and I will do better on my part. She won’t believe me, I have changed so much to her benefit in this relationship every time we came to a crossroads I bent over backwards to change. Opiate addiction, gone (sober for 8 years) fitness, I am 6’2 220 lb’s I started working out because I didn’t want her to find me unattractive, (let it slip a little in my depression 239lbs now :/), being more caring, done I am giving her massages for her tired muscles probably once a month I hug her and ask how her day went every day. I sleep in her bed and make sure her needs are met. She, however has yet to make any big changes, she is 5’4 189-200lbs, still needs her to be right in every argument regardless of how much I want to split the responsibility. Now, because of this most recent act of unfaithfulness, she gave me an ultimatum open the relationship and be okay with her doing anything she wants or end the relationship. I opted for the open relationship because I don’t want to lose everything we have. We have a son, 11M, I sold my house and moved my entire life to her grandparents house when they died for her. I have pushed all of my family and friends out because they aren’t okay with her. I have nowhere else to go. My retirement is almost gone, I’ll have enough to get a job but not enough to live on while I rebuild, I think she knows this and wants me to stay just in case she decides to close the relationship again and move forward fully together. She has made it clear if she doesn’t like what I am doing during this period of it being open she will bring in someone else and I’m out if I don’t like it. I can stay even when she has someone else but if I can’t be looking like I’m in pain all the time. It’s been 2 days and I am supposed to fake it until i can make it look like it doesn’t hurt around her.

Advice I need:
I don’t have anyone else to talk to about this all of my friends and family know her, she doesn’t want anyone to know because they might think she is no good for me, so here I am, asking complete strangers on the internet, what would you do? If you had this relationship with our backstory would you keep working on things? Would you rebuild again? I have made a lot of mistakes the last 8 months and I do need to change, I just needed support until I was on my feet. I love this woman still and she is giving me hope for the future like a little trail of treats. I’m not in my right mind maybe you guys can help me see clearly.

TL;DR if you need it:
Fiance has a history of being unfaithful, requires I be faithful at all times, has become unfaithful again, wants to open the relationship, already has a partner picked out. I need to change everything about myself and recommit to her while she does what she wants to “find herself”, or I can kick rocks. I want to stay, she wants to stay, she wants relationship open, I want it closed and am not interested in other women, even though I am allowed to wander now. I have thought about dating apps maybe finding someone to talk to but I’ll start here first. I can’t do this alone and she is t really taking my opinions at the moment. It’s what she wants. What do?

(Tried posting in r/relationship advice but they aren’t cool with any form of non-monogamy, I guess. Even though, I feel it fits their subreddit better but whatever. Sorry if this is a bad spot I just need outsider perspective I’m dying for some opinions that aren’t biased)

For the nonmenog folks out there:
I do have a question more up your alley, is there any chance for me to stay committed while letting her experiment? Or would I need to participate in order to even have a chance at this working in your opinion? If so, how’d you make it work to start. The fear of what-if seems to be hurting me the most at the moment.

Hey everyone, I wanted to post a quick update because my last post got a lot of comments saying she was being cruel, and some people immediately jumped to telling me to leave her. I appreciate the protectiveness, but I promise you she wasn’t being mean. She was just being completely honest about her body and her needs instead of hiding it or letting resentment build up.

She loves me, I love her, and she’s not forcing anything on me. There is absolutely zero pressure here; if I say no, it’s a no.

The truth is, after processing everything, I’m actually interested and leaning towards letting her explore this. I want her to be fully fulfilled, and I'm realizing I might be okay with a one-sided dynamic.

I’m still not 100% sure how to handle the logistics, though. For those who actually have successful, healthy one-sided open relationships, what did the early stages look like for you?

How did you manage the transition while keeping the primary relationship secure? I'm trying to figure out what kind of boundaries we need to talk about before making a final decision. I would really appreciate anyone who would want to talk this through with me, step by step. Thank you!

I am together with my girlfriend for a long time. We’re together in a stable, loving relationship. Our sex life is amazing, heck, we even started posting on Reddit! :) We’re monogamous and we do not intend to change this.

We decided that we want to try a threesome. A MFF first and MMF sometime later, as that one’s feels much harder to both of us.

We set one rule, that we can never bend: we will do it with a PROFESSIONAL sex worker. No friends, no random hookups, etc.

We were stuyding on threesomes, watching porn, talking about it, and we both feel very ready to try it. We got so far that we set a date, which is in about one year, so we really make sure that we’re ready.

Now - is there something that we need to get ready for? Something unexpected to expect?

I’m not looking for anyone saying “it’s gonna ruin your relationship”. I don’t care it ruined yours, you don’t know us, so don’t comment on this.

Thanks for your replies!!!

My partner and I have been enm for 10 years with no problems. I don’t seek outside relationships, but he does and that is fine by me. I always felt strong compersion and we were always the primary relationship. His relationships are purely sexual, and he is very up front with his other partners that his family is the priority (we have teenage aged kids).

Recently he broke one of our rules and it broke my heart. We have decided to close up the relationship for now, and I am seeing a therapist. Im still panicking every time I think about it, and I can’t imagine that I will ever be ok with opening back up again. He is doing a lot of work to repair trust, and our communication is good. But I’m afraid that if I can’t get back to a place of compersion I will lose this relationship and destroy my family. I don’t want him to resent me if I never want to be enm again, but I also don’t want to feel like I’m being held hostage to his needs. The amount of panic I experience at the thought of him being with someone else right now is deteriorating my health.

Are we truly fucked, or can people come back from this?

My partner and I have been talking about sharing each other with other people. However, we are both the jealous type and scared it might ruin our relationship when we actually push through with it. I like fantasizing him doing it with another woman when he eats me, and he likes fantasizing me also doing it with other men while we do it. The issue is, we’re scared that we might end things once it actually happens and that the thrill we are feeling now is just temporary. We, however, cannot stop fantasizing and don’t know what to do about it since we are tempted to go through with it.

For context, I have a tendency of breaking up with him when I feel bothered about anything (mostly about jealousy) and he would non-stop chase after me until I’ve come back to my senses. A big part of the hesitation is that he is scared that the chase would become harder and we might cause more pain to each other during the process since we tend to run our mouths during conflict and fights.

On another note, my boyfriend also had experience regarding the matter of open relationship with his past partner and it deeply bothers me. He advised that it did not end well and he does not want us to end up the same. However, I am tempted to experience what he experienced thinking it might lessen the feeling of jealousy once I have gained the same experiences that he had.

We’re both young and really confused, but also adventurous. We don’t know how to navigate our feelings and emotions towards what we want in life (open relationship) and are seeking guidance on how we can address this.

UPDATE: thank you for all your advice and comments. Advice is no longer needed for now:) good evening to everyone <3

I (f22) and my fairly new boyfriend (m22) are doing some form of open relationship (open on his side only)

In my past relationship I had an open relationship too, on my side only, since my partner weren’t comfortable with sexual intimacy at all. I enjoyed the freedom and my current boyfriend started out as a fwb.

He’s told me the night we first met, he was supposed to meet up with his ex girlfriend, but she forgot, and instead we ended up texting and meeting up. He has expressed that he’s into monogamy but also that he’s still attracted to his ex and would like to have sex with her again.

Maybe I’m just being stupid, but since I’ve tried being with other people than my (ex) partner without involving any feelings, I thought that it would be fine for my new partner to do the same. He doesn’t want to “share” me though. He says that he’s scared his view on sex with me would change if I was with someone else, but he doesn’t have that fear for it happening to himself.

He’s gonna meet up with his ex tonight for some Netflix and, in his words, “hopefully chill”.

I don’t know if I’m being stupid for not stopping it. He had made it clear that I can stop it at any point - but I don’t want a life filled with insecurity/jealousy, but rather feel secure that we can be together even if he’s sexual with someone else.

I’ve always been confused to why sexual acts should be limited to one partner only, since the emotional aspect is whats most important to me.

Please share your thoughts

Note: my current boyfriend isn’t the reason for the breakup with my last partner. Things just weren’t meant to be anymore, though the timing might make it seem otherwise.

EDIT: Little thing to add: we write with another women/men/couples on online sites “for fun”. We both find this enticing.

I also find the idea of him being with another woman very hot (and a little sad too), and like the fantasy of him being a player.
Maybe doing a ffm with him too, which neither of us have done before

EDIT 2: I might have a bit of a “cuck” kink for myself. It turns me on a lot when he talks about past sexual experiences

EDIT 3: Maybe I just need someone to tell me that it’ll all be fine - that he won’t end up getting feelings for his ex, or that jealousy will eat me up, and that we can be in an untraditional relationship. I definitely do not want to be in a traditional relationship at all, I want us to be able to make our own rules and say f society.

So she wanted to explore the new kinks and all and was convincing me to be a part in it and I was just not able to make up my own mind as it is something really new to me so I was mostly stuck in between yes or no and this time I got frustrated being stuck in between that I said her to go and do someone so she said to do it on Sunday and I said ok but if I change my mind it has to end then and there ,if it works it does if it doesn’t the it doesn’t but then the guy she added and things started to go to that point and we started to send him pics and all like nude but today I realised I can’t go with it and said no she got angry and all and now I ruined it my self I feel I apologised and all which I feel will never be enough but now I feel she will definitely do it and all so am I the only one at fault

Hey all, my wife and I have been exploring the idea of stag/vixen and through conversations have come to the conclusion that what we’re looking for is more non-monogamy. We want more of a relationship dynamic in addition to our marriage. The caveat is we are looking for partners older than us(40-55+ - we’re early 30s). Does anyone have experience with this? Anyone in this kind of relationship? Any advice. Thanks!