r/nonmonogamy

How do I broach the threesome conversation

So I (46m) have been with my wife (48f) for about 20 years. The bedroom activities got very stale for a couple of years and we were honestly in a dead bedroom situation.

Within the past few months things have ramped up and we’re having sex 4-5 days per week. One thing that has also ramped up is dirty talk during sex. Dirty talk wasn’t really a thing previously but she is really into it and honestly it’s hot.

My wife is bi and part of the dirty talk was having another woman in the mix. What ***they**** *would do to each other. The dirty was always centered around that. However, the last few times with the dirty talk, my wife said things like she wanted to watch the other woman go down on me or watch me having sex with her.

That was a curveball but it had an effect on me and I came very quickly when she started talking about that.

Here’s the thing. I don’t know if it’s just talk or if it’s something she wants and is just nervous to talk to me about it. I have never even thought about being with another woman. The fact that it made me come so fast when she started talking about it makes me think that maybe I’m at least subconsciously for the idea.

For context, she has been in 2 serious relationships. Me and her first boyfriend who she was with for a long time before me. She had a threesome with him and she said it messed with the dynamics of their relationship because they didn’t discuss boundaries. That wasn’t the reason they broke up but it strained things for a while.

My question is, how do I bring this conversation up to her to see if it’s something she wants or if it’s just something she’s saying in the moment. I don’t want to mess anything up with us by asking. The last thing I want her to think is that I would ever cheat on her. I don’t know. I think I’m just rambling at this point. Any advice, thoughts or personal experience would be appreciated.

Thanks

I [39NB] had my first NM relationship [40F has BPD] at the start of last year with a break and a reconnection at the end of last year culminating in no-contact back in March.

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[TLDR] Everytime one of these trust breaches happens I become very dysregulated and find it difficult to process the hurt without becoming very distressed and not being able to focus or do the things I need to get my life back on track.

Does anyone have any advice on how they managed to process similar situations in "NM" relationships where one partner was consistently untruthful?

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When we defined the relationship my partner was adamant they would only do a NM relationship, and for me this was my first and challenged a lot of relationship models as I had only been monogamous until then.

I agreed and within the first month my partner hooked up with someone else, and while challenging I processed my jealousy and dysregulation and overall I definitely felt a shift in my own understanding of relationships.

When I started exploring dating, my ex would become jealous, emotionally distant and start fights with me. She disclosed that she believed I was cheating on her with a friend of mine (I wasn't) and began arguments about me being a creep, lying to her etc etc. This ended up making me feel forced to be exclusively seeing her, and each time I wpuld speak about or see friends who were women She would always ask me if I was interested in them.

When I would visit her it would turn out I was meeting another one of her exes, and we would be hanging out with them. That was a lot for me, even when she started sharing that one of her exes was trying to get her to have a threesome with his wife (they had an arrangement several years ago with one of his girlfriends).

After we reconnected after our first break, I started finding out there were far more exes and flings in her life, and some of them She had hidden, downplayed or lied about her relationship with them. This kept happening, and the last weekend we broke up she wanted to go to the pub so we could hang out with her ex, but when he decided to go home early she stopped wanting to hangout just the two of us.

Since then I've found out many of the relationships she told me were only friends were far more intimate and often offered her sex. Then I found out she had been posting some of our personal conversations on reddit, and when she was very dysregulated posting a lot of lies about our relationship to various subreddits garnering sympathy (this was while we were still together).

Since going no contact I have stumbled across multiple relationships she had which have turned out to be completely different than what I was told, stories she told me about herself now being denied, and public posting from when we were together that breached what I understood as the boundaries of our relationship.

Everytime one of these trust breaches happens I become very dysregulated and find it difficult to process the hurt without becoming very distressed and not being able to focus or do the things I need to get my life back on track.

Does anyone have any advice on how they managed to process similar situations in "NM" relationships where one partner was consistently untruthful?

I’m new in this, and would like to know if being in an open relationship you can have sex with the same person for a while?

Name your darkest fantasy in sex life or relationship or anything with your partner .?

30sF and 40sM dating for 18 months. To the extent that labels are helpful, we’re currently more “solo-poly” rather than “partnered ENM dating solo” but we are exceptionally close.

We’re each other’s only long term partners, and both have other FWBs (though until recently I had another partner). We live apart.

We recently spent a concentrated 3 weeks together on holiday and became even closer. The day after we got back, he had a casual FWB visit for 4 days. I was feeling wobbly about it, given the contrast between our beautiful time together and then being apart, and we had a good conversation about that.

We had a date night scheduled months before FWB came along (dinner, show, stayover). But he’s planned it so that FWB leaves only the morning of our date night.

I feel weird but having trouble articulating why.

I feel that seeing him when his FWB only left that morning is gross and makes me feel weird. I don’t like the idea of sleeping in the same bed as where he’s been fucking someone else only hours before. He thinks that so long as he resets his apartment properly it should be fine. He’s looking forward to seeing me.

Does anyone have a rule about managing transition between partners? Minimum decompression time?

Some stream of consciousness: It seems disrespectful somehow. It didn’t feel good to go from being completely together for several weeks to removing all evidence I exist from his apartment, minimize myself to facilitate his time with this FWB. It makes me feel disposable (even though I know I’m not). They’d be too fresh in his mind and body for me to feel comfortable with that, I can’t believe that more decompression time isn’t necessary after several days with a FWB. I feel like it’s inevitable he wouldn’t fully be with me and a comparison between us is too easy to make.

My partner and I have been together for years. We’ve been open since the start, but we decided to close our relationship in January. The reasons were a mix of things I’d been struggling with varying levels of insecurity, and we were both just less interested in dating other people than we used to be. Closing felt like the right move for us at the time.

He had one other partner he’d been seeing more consistently, and we agreed he’d slowly wind things down with them. I wouldn’t be seeing anyone anymore, sexually or romantically. That felt fair to me, and I told him to take as much time as he needed.

It’s now been almost five months. Over time I noticed he was seeing them less, they weren’t really being intimate anymore, and things seemed to naturally be fading. Then a few weeks ago they told him they missed sleeping with him, and he had a conversation with me about it, where he shared he was afraid for them to get upset, and that in the ideal scenario, at some point it would naturally become a friendship; maybe when they met someone else. Later, he told me he had told them he didn’t want to reinvest in the romantic side anymore. It was ‘a bit sad. But it was Ok.’

That was a little over a week ago.
Tonight he had dinner with them and is now sleeping over at their place. He framed it as ‘friendly vibes’: they ate late, it was convenient. But they’re sleeping in the same bed, and that doesn’t feel consistent with what he told me last week.

I already texted him something calm, told him it felt a bit confusing given what he’d said, and that I’d like to talk tomorrow.
Am I valid in feeling hurt and confused here, or am I being completely unreasonable and unsupportive? I genuinely can’t tell anymore.

My wife had her second solo experience the other night.

This was better than after the first time for her. The same person she was with the first experience. I have met him also since after the first experience for her. Just get together and talk, nothing sexual or serious just get to know him. See his vibe and attitude. Doing this honestly makes me better in a odd way. I get to be more involved and included. We have our rules and boundaries she and I. Both agreed and respected or this stops.

The other night she had told me he was in a few towns over on work at a hotel. I playfully sent in our group chat saying she should come see you for a visit. He was nervous and I understand that. My wife really wanted to go and I've told her if I bring something up it's good with me. I'm not going to someone's hopes up and shoot them down. An hour goes by and she says he isn't down. She and I talk in the group chat some more about it. He engaged and talked a little. She talks to him privately text also. He sent her a message saying "you have to make up your mind". He sent his hotel address and # in the group chat. I got excited "She is getting ready" I say back.

She leaves and goes to him. Text me when she gets there also. She got there late, pass what I wanted to be but he was indecisive on having her come. She knocked on the door and what she told me she pretty much jumped on him and started making out before taking it to the bed. She said he was nervous and excited. She told me he started by eating her and playing with her. She was all ready to go from the excitement and build up. He respected my rules and came on her back. She said he was done done fast and probably due to the excitement and thinking about it before he pulled the gun and told her to come over. I get that.

Sent me a fantastic sound clip.

Sent me a message on the way home.

She comes home and I'm just laying in the bed waiting to hear about it.

She sits and talks to me about it, everything how she started and how he took her. She definitely enjoyed it and I'm happy for her.

I sat there thinking about it while she talked to me about it. A few goes by and she rolls over and I just started having my turn with her. It was so hot. I was taking her and talking all kinds of dirty to her. She was loving it. I was enjoying every minute of this whole thing. Some of the best sex ever we have had. Im glad she got to enjoy herself more too. Her talking to me about it is awesome. I think it was finally 3am when we got done. I definitely took care of her a few times. Let her sleep in this morning. Took our son out to the park for 4 hours and sat around the trees thinking while smoking a joint. Remember to take time to process everything. Make sure it all comes in smoothly and discuss any issues you make have or feel.

Remember to talk openly and discuss everything

Respect your partner and have trust.

Rules and boundaries and not to be taken as a joke. All side need to agree and respect. Make a list apart and discuss together. See what works and what doesn't. Be open

This has honestly helped bring us closer on a different level

I've fully trusted her with everything before but now it's another level.

I have a FWB relationship with a trans woman. We pretty much just have sex when we meet and otherwise keep contact by phone.

She knows that I have sex with cis-women and don't care about it, but she is very jealous of other trans women. She always asks if I haven seen any other trans woman and makes sure that I should not meet anyone other than her. She has sex with many different men and is open about it, but doesn't tell about them.

I once asked her why does she care if I would see other trans woman if she has sex with other men all the time. She just got upset about it and asked me if I am looking an excuse to be with someone else.

I have been trying to understand why this is so important for her. She tells me she likes to be possessive and dominant and likes that I obey her wish. For me this is okay as I enjoy her company and I like that I can please her.

Does anyone have any similar experiences or could help me understand her better?

Husband and I (30M and 31F) have been together for 11 years and married for 3. We’re each others’ firsts and onlys, he’s literally the 2nd person I ever kissed and my first/only boyfriend. He dated a bit before me and has slightly more experience but we have both only had sex with each other.

Coming from a religious background I was always fine with that and thought it was what I wanted and the right/good/only option for me. I wasn’t opposed to dating other people before settling down and did try but this is how things worked out and I have zero regrets about being with him or our relationship. He’s my person, my best friend, my life partner, and I can’t imagine living my life with anyone else but him.

We’ve had a lot of big life changes in the last 6 months and I had an experience that opened my eyes a bit to wondering what it would be like to have sex with and “date” other people. It’s snowballed a bit and I’m feeling like I am coming into my sexuality (not like LGBT but just, being more open-minded and interested in new things) for the first time and suddenly thinking that I may never experience kissing or sex with another person for the rest of my life feels overwhelming and like I missed my chance.

Husband and I have talked and he’s understanding, empathizes and feels similarly although maybe is more fine with it than me at this juncture, and we are both interested in possibly exploring some non monogamous stuff. We started by going to a lifestyle club last month and ended up having sex in one of the group rooms, but just kept to ourselves. It was really exciting and fun because it was suuuuper out of character and new for us both but we enjoyed it a lot.

Unfortunately we live in a pretty conservative mid-sized city in the South (US) and options are very limited for clubs or meetups from what we are seeing. I’d like to go to another club and maybe try flirting or talking to other people and see how that goes, but there isn’t really much around us. I know there are apps but I don’t think either of us are super into that as a next step if it means meeting up with other couples as we aren’t sure if we’re ready to commit to doing any swapping and don’t want to waste anyone’s time.

I thinking swinging is our realistic best option to start, although I’d probably prefer separate FWBs. He’s expressed he’d want us to experience the first stuff together and I think that makes sense and I do agree it’s probably safer and healthier.

I’m just worried that

A) I’m so inexperienced and have never considered casual sex before. What if I can’t handle it?

B) What if we have sex with other people and feel like we’ve lost something special that was just “ours” by doing so? If others have been in this position I’d love to hear your perspective. I’m leaning towards I’d rather have new experiences and some regrets than never trying at all but it’s hard to know.

C) How do we dip our toes in with such limited opportunities in our area? There are clubs 2-3 hours away but it feels like that puts a lot of pressure on going to one. And apps seem pretty unappealing from what I remember of Tinder back in college, plus the added complexities of having no clue what the etiquette or expectations are around the lifestyle stuff.

D) I’m worried about the possibility of us getting misaligned on how much we want to try it out. I don’t want to introduce resentment or frustration if one of us really wants it and the other decides they don’t (right now I’m feeling like I’m probably the more interested one). I already know from lurking that cis straight men generally have a harder time. I want to do my research and be prepared but I’m worried by doing so I’ll get too invested. How do you strike that balance?

I’m torn between wanting to pursue this and wondering if this is some sort of delayed quarter-life crisis on my part triggered by our life changes and potentially starting a family. I’ve been seeing a therapist since January but only recently opened up about this stuff. I’m currently reading Polysecure since she recommended it, but I’d don’t think either of us want polyamory. Husband is more interested in casual only and my “ideal” would probably be a mix of casual/swinging and a FWB situation.

Sorry this is so long, I’m just feeling stuck and overwhelmed.

My husband (40M) and I (35M) have been together for 13 years and married for 10 this May. About two years ago, we met our boyfriend (36M), and things developed into a throuple pretty quickly. Overall, the relationship was really good. My boyfriend and I naturally formed a stronger emotional bond than he and my husband did, but everyone seemed okay with that because we understood that relationships and connections don’t always look the same between each person.

Recently, though, the relationship ended because of a trust issue that I caused. After a lot of difficult conversations, my husband decided he no longer wanted to continue the throuple, and our boyfriend respected that decision. Since then, my husband has been trying to figure out what kind of relationship he even wants with me moving forward.

The hard part is that both my boyfriend and I still want the relationship to continue. I’ve realized how deeply I care about him, and losing that relationship has been painful.

My husband and I have also started therapy, and some difficult truths have come up. He’s expressed doubts about whether he can truly make me happy. For the first time, I finally opened up about things I felt were missing in our relationship for years. Over the last 7–8 years, the romance between us slowly faded. He stopped planning date nights, surprises, or quality time together, and I became the one carrying most of that emotional and romantic effort. I think he became comfortable and complacent.

Being with our boyfriend opened my eyes to how much I missed feeling pursued and nurtured in a relationship. He would take initiative, plan meaningful moments, and actively invest in the relationship. It made me realize how much I had been craving that kind of effort from my husband.

When I tried to explain this, though, my husband felt hurt and attacked by what I said.

Now I feel stuck at a crossroads. I love my husband deeply, but he’s made it clear that he’s uncertain about our future and may not even want to continue our marriage. At the same time, I miss my boyfriend constantly and can’t imagine simply cutting him out of my life after everything we built together.

I know there’s still a possibility the throuple could come back together someday, but if my husband ultimately says no, I don’t know where that leaves me with my boyfriend. Part of me feels guilty even thinking that way, but another part of me feels like it’s unfair to lose someone I love so deeply because of a decision that isn’t fully mine alone.

I’m looking for advice from people who’ve navigated complicated relationship dynamics, long-term marriages, or poly relationships. How do you figure out what to hold onto, what to fight for, and when you’re trying to save something that may already be changing?

Long story short, bf is bisexual heteroromantic, i am straight demisexual.

He wants to be topped by other men (just hookups, nothing more than that) while I have no interest in sleeping with other people. I told him if he wanted to do hookups, these were my rules/boundaries.

1. More transparency/honesty: i want to know when hes talking to someone about hookups/sexting with a guy so I can make plans around potential meetups for them. Without me having to ask.

The moment I do not know or am lied to, I consider it cheating and will end the relationship.

2. I need to know location, date, and time for safety.

3. No physical markings: hickeys, bruises, bites, etc.

4. If its something he can get from me, I dont want him to recieve it from them. Getting head, him penetrating someone, etc.

5. Obviously being safe. Make sure not to hookup with someone who's recently been sick, potentially has STDs, use condoms.

6. Our daught, under no circumstances, gets to know any of whats happening. It will be him "spending time with friends" nothing more.

7. I want to be spoiled some point after: flowers, date night, whole shebang

8. Will be done as little as possible. This will not be a super frequent thing. (Will come to that bridge when we come to it on duration)

Ive never even considered this kind of relationship before as I grew up super conservative and with the mindset of, anything other than the couple doing things together was cheating.

I do love and care for him, this is genuinely the most healthy relationship ive been a part of. I want him to have that outlet so hes not pent up, its just difficult on my end knowing I still dont have my own opinions formed on this type of situation and its all coming from my upbringing. I want to make sure im not being unreasonable.

Hello Reddit!

So I (24F) am making this post because i have recently just come out of a 5 year relationship with my ex-wife (27F) and im not gonna lie, its kind of devastated me to a point beyond repair, but no because of the relationship itself ending, more so, I believe that despite us having a ENM relationship for the past year, she ended up cheating on me emotionally with her now new boyfriend. However, she maintains that she didn't and its honestly my biggest obstacle in terms of moving on and I was hoping I could get some some advice before I try to clear the air with her one last time.

So heres my side of the story as I try to be as objective as possible. So we started being ENM last year, which was my idea because my wife was never really physically affectionate, not just in terms of sex but just general closeness, which I attributed to both her being autisitc, and being asexual, and it was probably at the time my one biggest issue with our relationship because I am a very touchy feely person and I asked if she would be willing to try opening up the relationship. She agreed and for the past year, and the deal was strictly physical, not emotional, so like no kissing, no dates etc. just friends with benefits. That was more or less working until we moved into a house we bought together last summer, with the whole moving process, her brother moving in with us and me starting full time work at a retail pharmacy, I started kind of not doing anything with anyone apart from her whenever she wanted which was rare.

Fast forward to March, where out of the blue she asks me "hey is it ok if I wanted to kiss someone if I ever was in a situation where it was possibility". Now me not wanting to be a hypocrite, said yes despite me being like kind of unsure. She then started talking alot about her coworker, and how much she liked him, and how much he reminded her of me (except more mature) and I was honestly kind of her hype girl for a bit because it was nice seeing her happy and she also finally started being more physically affectionate toward me so I thought "cool this is working out!" They kissed, whatever I dont really mind the physical stuff they did, but then literally out of the blue from my perspective, she comes home from work and says "she doesn't love me romantically anymore and she wants to separate" which, hurt alot, and then it hurt even more that after like an hour of the initial conversation, she was in a discord call with her soon to be boyfriend which sent me to ER with a panic attack. I get out of the ER, she spends the night as his place after lying to me saying she was going with her mom and or other coworker and the next day I call her, try to see if there any fixing us before getting told "no i'm sorry" in which I asked "are you even poly at all??" and she replied "I dont think so".

I spent a week with my family in New York City (quick context, I moved from NYC to Upstate NY 3 years ago to move in with her so I dont have much of support system up here) and in that week after conversing with friends (many of which are poly), family and eventually my therapists and psychiatrist, they all told me that I had been cheated on emotionally and I added on accidentally because my ex stated she realized too late that she wasnt poly and im being as generous as possible, however she maintains that she didnt break any rules, but I also only agreed to alot of the things she did because I thought she was poly. And with that, she eventually doubled and tripled down, and is dating the person I believe she cheated on me with, and we still live together because we both own the house legally, and listen I am more than ok with us not being a couple anymore, what Im not okay with is this feeling that I was replaced and tossed aside like I meant nothing, and the fact that again, I feel very much cheated on so im sense of self is completely ruined.

I very much want to end on decent terms, but I need to know if im being to harsh on her, or if Im justified in feeling this betrayal and hurt, and I honestly never thought I would make one of these posts but im desperate for any closure possible. Thank you for your time and I will accept the truth no matter how much it hurts

I’m 25F and my partner is 39M. We met on FetLife last September. We both had recently come out of relationships and things moved very quickly. I was actually the one who wanted openness/non-monogamy at the beginning, because I had just left a relationship where I felt restricted.

Over time, the connection became much more serious and emotional. We spend a lot of time together, cuddle, play games, go dancing, share daily life and I do believe we love each other. When things are good, I feel very loved and cherished.

But we also have a difficult emotional dynamic. I have anxious attachment tendencies and get triggered by uncertainty, other women, inconsistent reassurance and feeling like I’m not special. He is very freedom-oriented and does not like feeling restricted. I need more emotional reassurance and consistency than he naturally gives, while he needs spontaneity and autonomy.

We are both on FetLife/Joyclub and the relationship is open. I have also met other people, including sexual/kinky dates, so I’m not against openness in general.

One issue is his ex. They broke up shortly before we got together and in the beginning he was not fully honest with her about me existing. She only found out about me later. Recently she stayed over at his place while I was there. I was polite and even made food for her, but the situation felt weird and afterwards she said things about me that were not true. He defended me, which I appreciate, but they still text every day and talk on the phone a lot. I’m not necessarily afraid he’ll go back to her, but it feels emotionally messy.

The biggest issue is sex.

In the beginning our sexual/kinky connection was amazing. That was honestly a big reason I started seeing him. We had chemistry, intensity, kink, desire and fun.

Now we haven’t had proper sex in about two months. He says he is not aroused because of stress and pressure in the relationship. He still likes being with me romantically: cuddling, spending time, sharing life but sexually he feels blocked with me.

At the same time, he hopes that swinger parties, couples or other women might help him get aroused again because of novelty and the unknown. He says at home with me, the situation does not awaken arousal and doing sexual things without arousal feels weird to him.

This is where I struggle. From my perspective, it feels painful that our sexual connection is blocked but outside sexual experiences are still treated as possible or exciting. I don’t want to be the romantic/home base while sexual energy is searched for elsewhere. I feel like openness feels safer when the base between the couple is stable including sexually.

Recently he did try some sexual things with me again, like spanking and fingering and it felt good. But he wasn’t really aroused and I feel like he is doing it for me rather than because he is genuinely into it. That makes me sad because I miss the sexual connection we had in the beginning.

I also know I can spiral by asking too many details about other women, texts, or parties. One question leads to another and then I get emotionally overwhelmed. So part of me thinks I should stop asking for details. But another part worries that I’m just avoiding reality.

My questions are: • Is it reasonable to want our own sexual connection to feel more stable before outside sexual exploration becomes a bigger focus? • Can an open relationship work if the romantic bond is strong but sex between the couple is currently blocked? • How do you handle it when one partner’s arousal seems tied to novelty/outside situations, while the other partner wants sexual connection inside the relationship too? • Is this something that can improve with less pressure and better boundaries, or does it sound like a fundamental mismatch?

I don’t want to force him into sex. I don’t want duty-sex. But I also don’t want to feel sexually left out of my own relationship.

​

I feel stupid for holding onto this. Me and my partner have left the lifestyle now completely unrelated.

During a meet my GF let a guy try to do something she's categorically said no to me for a few years.

1 was during a conversation with me and him before coming over was bringing something along with him I said to him there's no point because I've mentioned it to her and it was an out right no so I thought there would be no point. He brought it with him anyway getting into the moment he pulls it out and she just lets him put it on

2 during the moment he started trying to do something I'd been talking about before but we'd never done it because she was worried how it would feel and wasn't sure so it was left occasionally we'd revisit it to see if she feels different about it but he started doing it during and she didn't tell him to stop or give me a signal that something was going on she didn't like. When I saw what he was doing I made him aware that I wasn't comfortable with him doing that and he stopped immediately.

He knew about the first part but didn't with the second.

We don't talk about it anymore but we did talk about it in the days that followed She just brushed them off like I shouldn't care about it. I'm really conflicted in my head right now because I've tried/asked to do both of them since and she doesn't want to.

All I keep thinking at the moment is why she'd let him and say nothing but still says no to me now. Should i hold onto that moment to try and do it again just me and her or should I just accept that moment and it won't happen just us?

Just curious about everything. I’m with my ex partner right now and we broke up about 2 months ago because of a lot of stuff and yeah. We started hanging out again and realized that we are definitely way more for each other and come to appreciate one another more and we are sorta dating. One thing that’s weird is that she wants to continue to see other people for sex and I shouldn’t date other people. She gets really jealous at the thought of me being with someone else and was really upset when she asked me if I was talking to anyone and I named a person. She got up and wanted to leave after pondering it for a bit. I sat her down and was basically like I really want you and only you. I haven’t even went on a date with this girl. You have been on plenty of dates with other people and had sex with them, I know because you have told me. So what’s the difference, and she said it’s because she has a name. I have to have an emotional connection in order to do something like that which she values a lot and makes everything so different than anyone else. She’s never felt this way with anyone apparently. She doesn’t use emotion for that stuff. So it’s okay for her to do it. She also just told me I’m overall the best she ever has and I make her cum a lot vs every guy she’s been with since me she hasn’t been able to. So i haven’t asked her why she doesn’t just stick with me then because im afraid its gonna push the limits of what we sorta have. Im naturally monogamous but I know she needs this time to grow as a person because we spent almost 3 years together. So I don’t wanna force any titles or anything, but I don’t wanna be in an open relationship forever. I’m open to the idea and I don’t want it to be as often. Like I could see myself allowing it to happen like four times a year in like the long run but like right now I’m OK being in the open relationship as long as we focus on us a lot. I’m not sure if any of this makes sense but I would love some opinions. Thank you.

Hi, so me and my bf (late 20s both male), things haven't been good for a while but they are getting better we are really trying to fix things bc we both love each other

Previously in our relationship my bf stopped being interested in sex wjth me but was still being other guys. For background our experience levels are quite different this is my first relationship but my bf has been dating since he was a teenager and is older than me

At the time I told him this was okay, even though it hurt me, bc i felt like if I let him do whatever he wanted and tried to be the best bf that he would want me again

The longer things went on I was getting extremely depressed and insecure and this led to conflict which pushed my bf away, he wont even talk to me about sex anymore and its been like several years since this happened. Like I stopped moping I stopped ever bringing anything up I tried to just do whatever he asked of me for his comfort

My bf kept telling me if I could just "be normal" about things then he would relax and feel comfortable again but no matter what I do this hasnt happened. Ive asked him if im too much or if he thinks we're incompatible and he always assures me no this isnt true

The relationship has been closed now for over a year bc i couldn't handle it anymore and we agreed to focus on each other but this hasn't improved things at all nothings changed, my bf doesnt even talk to me about how he feels reguarding this like ever

I dont knkw. So anyway, we were gonna try couples therapy but he doesn't want to talk about our sex life at all during that. And I really dont know how to feel better. Like I feel really hurt still by things he did and him being with other guys and I dont know how to heal. I was in therapy for a few years but it didnt help, I tried 3 different therapists as well.

Has anyone had experience rebuilding trust in a relationship where the other party is very sensitive to feeling guilty or shamed? I also, my self esteem has become really low, and ive become really insecure, which is making things worse, so i feel like its just bad from all sides and idk how to move forward especially if my bf doesnt want to talk about this in therapy

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Completely made up hypothetical:

Me: have hard internal boundaries for my personal actions and self sanity.

Eg. If a long time partner, who knows I am deathly allergic to cats, shoves a cat in my face, I would question if they were my friend. Since they should have known I was deathly allergic to cats.

I would be mad. But given the scenario, maybe they forgot or something.

Then it happens again. I, personally, am done with that friend. I might get over the mad part, but I wouldn't put any energy into being their friend.

Now, what are some good strategies for keeping that boundry to myself?

Eg a potential partner, would allow their friend to keep having energy and time, even after their friend shoved a cat in their face after knowing theyre deathly allergic. Multiple times.

The only way its affecting me is:

A slight jealousy of time spent: "why would someone give time to someone like that? Am I, or any other friend, not be better time spent?"

But mostly, Deep discomfort in thinking she might be being used.

A surprisingly deep...disappointed(?) feeling, that we dont have similar boundaries for ourselves.

If it matters, I am 10 years ENM, a lot of dynamic experience.

Posting this here because I don’t think strictly monogamous people would understand the nuances of the situation.

I have been with my partner for a year and a half, swinging the whole time. He previously had been in the lifestyle for many years (a variety of open dynamics) and this is my first experience outside of traditional monogamy. It has been pretty smooth sailing.

He has some very close friendships with previous partners. I adore these women and I think it is a green flag that they still want to be close to him, it has been years since any previous sexual encounters. However, he is big on the opinion that people would be happier if platonic kissing and cuddling was more widely accepted and experienced. While logically, I very much agree with this, I have always struggled with the idea of him continuing to do these things with his close friends/previous partners. We established early on that he would put that on pause until I felt more comfortable. It has not been brought up since.

He stays with one of these friends a few times a year as she lives on his route to drive home and see family. Her apartment has limited space so they share a bed when he says there and we have talked about this dynamic and I am okay with it. I have been under the impression that they do not cuddle on these trips. This past weekend for the first time we both stayed at her house (I have met her one time before in our city). I think she is wonderful and we had a great time. However, twice on the trip both in the mornings, I noticed him go into her bedroom. I walked past the bedroom to peek in and both times he was giving her big bear hugs in bed and snuggling up to her to wake her up. He also gave her a big friendly peck on the lips when we arrived and when we left.

I’m confused by my feelings about this. Over the last year I have grown and I believe that I would be comfortable with opening the door back up on platonic cuddling a kissing of that nature…. But I feel lied to. There’s no way that they cuddled up like that while I was there and they haven’t been on his previous visits right? And I know they didn’t like makeout but… I don’t know.

When we got back, he asked how I felt about the peck on the lips. I said it was so quick I barely caught it, he chuckled and said “yea right? No big deal. I’m glad you didn’t mind, because I never stopped doing that. Just little pecks at the beginning and end of the trip, nothing more”. He has always been so honest, but I can’t help but feel like he has given me selective truths on this and made the decision for me of what he thinks I need to know.

Objectively, I watch him rail other girls on the regular, some friendly cuddles and kisses are no real big deal. But I can’t shake the feeling like this little bit of selective truth telling is a big deal and a red flag... How would you approach a conversation about this and how big of a deal would this be to you?

TL;DR:
My partner and I wanted a shared kink/ENM experience with a straight dom/sub couple, but the setup naturally split into separate pairings and the other woman unexpectedly introduced a much deeper emotional dynamic with me. Now my partner fears it’s turning into parallel solo experiences, while I feel overwhelmed trying to manage a dynamic I never wanted to become this emotionally heavy.

Full context:
I (41M) and my partner (45F) are relatively new to emotionally layered ENM/kink spaces. We’re both bi/pan and usually imagine group intimacy as collaborative and fluid

The other couple is very straight and role-defined:
•he is a seasoned sadistic dom
•she is his long-term sub into heavy D/s, CNC etc.

My partner was excited about exploring submission with him because he’s experienced, restrained and psychologically grounded

But importantly: she wanted it to feel like a shared experience between us. She wanted me around co-domming, suggesting, watching, participating, grounding her when uncertainty/newness makes her tense. That excites me too as it fulfils my fantasy of watching her and relishing the moment

But structurally the room naturally splits into:
• my partner + the dom
• me + his sub

So it already started feeling less like a shared mesh and more like two parallel dyads

Initially I imagined my interaction with the other woman staying lighter/playful/tender while the emotional center remained on me and my partner exploring together

Then things became more layered. The other woman started joking in the group about feeling left out while discussions focused more on my partner’s dynamic with her dom. My partner suggested maybe I should help include her more

I openly said in the group that I’m autistic and genuinely struggle with rapidly shifting emotional focus in multi-person situations, but I was open to hearing what works for her

At one point her dom said:
“She’ll do what I say.”

She replied:
“So I’m a sheep?”

And he replied:
“Yes, you are, slut.”

That clarified how established and asymmetrical their D/s dynamic already is !!

The next day she privately messaged me saying the more she imagined “dom/sub” dynamics between us, the more tense her body became. She described sex as emotionally deep/raw/primal, said “the body keeps score,” wanted slowness and uncertainty instead of predefined roles, and basically wanted to let things emerge naturally between us instead of treating BDSM as the starting point

It was honest and thoughtful. But now everything feels psychologically reorganized

Because now:
• my partner fears this is becoming “parallel solo experiences”

• I feel pressure to emotionally include/manage someone I originally thought would stay inside her existing dom/sub structure

• the original fantasy of sharedness/voyeurism/co-domming feels blurry

• the emotional bandwidth required suddenly feels massive

And honestly? I’m overwhelmed.

I’m not emotionally fascinated by the other woman. I’m not trying to rescue her or build another relationship

I wanted:
To witness my partner exploring something intense/new
stay emotionally connected to her through it
engage lightly/playfully/tenderly with the other woman
keep the center of gravity on me and my partner

Instead it now feels like I’m somehow responsible for ensuring another person feels emotionally included/safe while simultaneously trying not to lose my own partner in the room

My partner has now said:
“If this becomes bandwidth allocation and emotional management, then this stops feeling like a shared experience for us.”

And I think she’s right

At the same time, I understand the other woman’s perspective too: she likely doesn’t want to feel like a side character while her dom and my partner have a more clearly defined dynamic

So I genuinely don’t know how experienced ENM/kink people navigate this kind of asymmetrical setup

Questions:

1. Has anyone dealt with a situation where one person wanted emotionally emergent intimacy while the others approached things more structurally/playfully?

2. Is this a compatibility mismatch between fluid bi/pan dynamics and rigid straight pair structures?

3. At what point does “being considerate” become emotional over-functioning?

4. Is overwhelm itself a sign the structure may simply not fit what my partner and I actually want?

5. How do you preserve “us-ness” in group play when logistics naturally split everyone into separate pairs?

I've been dating my girlfriend for 6 months and only recently we defined our relationship. Since I know her she told me about wanting to try non monogamous relationship and so it's been months I've been thinking about it.
Since the beginning we realized that I lean more towards open relationships while she may need full poliamory.
Few weeks ago we were planning on setting up a menu and define our relationship, the problem is that the day before this she told me that she met a guy and wanted to know him better.
This felt rushed and was hard to process for me but I did! We did the menu together and I felt okay.
This week she went out with him and I did not felt too bad until yesterday.
We were planning on doing a relationship check today but yesterday while we were out with friends she spoke about "her new friend" (not like this is my partner but rather this is my new super interesting friend)
What happened next is that I felt like shit, I feel like this whole thing is rushed and I don't know if I'm okay with it.
I want to try non monogamy slow but I feel like she is going too fast.
Am I poly under duress ?