r/nonmonogamy

My wife (26) and I (28) fantasize about threesomes all the time. Neither of us have ever had one. She has kissed girls in the past, some friends, but never dated a girl or had sex with another woman. We're happily married and have a pretty healthy sex life. Sometimes we watch porn together, sometimes we use toys on each other, and we role-played once. My wife loves lesbian porn, threesome porn (ffm), and lately has loved the idea of strippers. She likes when i talk dirty about another woman sleeping with us. We want to go to a strip club together, but neither of us have gone and we're both intimidated. And ultimately, we want a threesome. Sometimes shes very into it, other times shes unsure about it. But she always comes back to it and the idea turns both of us on. She's uncomfortable asking friends and so am I. So we don't know where to start. We both aren't the type to go to clubs, and I have never hooked up with anyone outside on one night stand. Where do we begin? We're not comfortable using a dating app for this either. Any suggestions? Anyone else been through something similar? I would love some help here. Thanks!

So me and the wife are open. She can’t have anymore kids but the rules that we made is that condoms are a must. But recently I noticed after she comes back from playing with her friends she is filled. I reminded her but she still isn’t making her friends wear a condom? Any advice?

So my wife and I have been in an open marriage since January, and things have been great. We both have had experiences (her more than me) and it has improved our sex lives dramatically. Tomorrow we are taking the next step and have a MFM threesome with one of her partners. Needless to say I’m a bit nervous. I talked to her about making sure she is comfortable, but a part of me thinks she is doing it for me. I don’t want our dynamic to change or be awkward for either of us tomorrow. Anyone have any advice on navigating this new part of the open marriage?

Some details about us:
- Together for 8 years
- Open our entire relationship
- Married since October 2025
- Started being active in the LS community in 2023

For the last two and a half years, my husband has been seeing a woman (B) we met through LS. My husband tried to have discussions with me about it over the last two years, but it was more about the sexual aspects about it and not as much about the emotional aspects.
There was definitely a misunderstanding within our open marriage that helped create this perfect storm. While I only value sex with others, he values sex with the emotional connection. The reason I didn’t understand this is because prior to B existing, he never voiced that (in a way I understood) or had that with anyone. I thought their relationship was super casual because they saw each other like once a quarter. What I didn’t know and he didn’t communicate is they talk almost every day and would spend more time together if it weren’t for me. Once this came to light at the beginning of this year, my husband voiced his need for emotional connection with his sexual partners. He said there are no romantic feelings whatsoever, but are great friends and have great sexual chemistry. They are currently only friends with no sexual relationship because of how difficult this has been on our marriage, or rather how hard this has been on me.
After learning all of this, things in our marriage started to go sideways. I can’t seem to get myself to be ok with it. It hurts me so deeply. I’ve tried analyzing my feelings, reading on how to build trust in an open marriage, and so much more. Nothing helps. I feel so lost and depressed. What can I do? How can I become ok with it?

I am new to the ENM space and need opinions. I have been on a few dates with someone who mentioned they have a connection with someone else. I tried asking questions about what their relationship is and whether it’s someone he is romantically vs. sexually involved with. He didn’t feel like he needed to define that connection and danced around the question of if he’s polyamorous or not. I feel like he’s hiding the depth of this connection and trying to have it all. Is this a red flag?

So my wife and I have been working through our open relationship dynamic for a while. She has recently met someone she is really " clicking" with ( I love it because I introduced them" and things are progressing well. They are going on their first solo date tomorrow where things are planned to happen and then dinner and bowling or something else. She at this stage can see and feel good about dating and seeing this man regularly. He is also married and both his wife and I love the two of them together as we love thr compersion side of this dynamic snd seeing our spouses happy and having fun.

The question of the hour now is we should probably discuss what is happening with our adult children ( 20,19,18,14,10,9) leaving the younger 3 out of it as there is a chance they or someone else will see mom in town with another man. A little more context of our situation is I am partially disabled from motorcycle wreck and other injuries and as a result things for me dont work right. She's gone without for years and has suffered for this as her needs aren't being met. It took me a long time and then us together to process things and come to letting her have a FWB's so her needs are met.

All that to say if you have adult kids and family who know, how did you approach it with them, what do you wish you'd done differently? Any experiences, insight, lessons learned would be greatly appreciated.

Hi, I’m 22F and my boyfriend is 23M. We’ve been in a loyal long-distance relationship for 6 years.
Over the years, we’ve both been curious about exploring fantasies involving other people. We’ve talked about these things and sometimes incorporated them into our conversations, but it would often lead to insecurity or fights, so we never really figured out how to explore it in a healthy way.
Recently, I noticed that my boyfriend was generally losing interest in sexual conversations and we weren’t having those kinds of conversations much anymore. Then I randomly told him about a hot dream I had involving someone from my office. He became really interested and excited, and we started talking about it together. I genuinely enjoyed it too, and it felt like something changed between us.
Because of that, I suggested that I could try talking to other people too. I installed Hinge, spoke to a few people, and discussed everything openly with my boyfriend. Honestly, I really enjoyed seeing that side of him and also enjoyed the attention I was getting. Eventually the conversations became boring, so I deleted the app.
I then encouraged him to explore too. I wanted him to experience that excitement and hoped it might also bring some of that energy back into our relationship.
He asked me if I would be okay with him talking to my cousin.
I said yes because I trusted him, and I genuinely wanted him to explore something he was curious about. He started talking to her, and apparently she is also attracted to him. She had apparently been interested in him for a while but didn’t make a move because she didn’t want to hurt me.
They’ve now talked about keeping things casual and seeing where it goes, potentially flirting online or meeting if they both feel comfortable.
I knew this was possible when I agreed, but now that it is actually happening, I feel awkward and a little jealous.
At the same time, I don’t want to restrict my boyfriend just because I’m experiencing feelings I didn’t anticipate. He has been transparent with me about it, and I’d rather have honesty and communication than cheating or secrecy.
But I’m struggling to figure out where my boundaries actually are.
How do you deal with jealousy when you’re genuinely supportive of your partner exploring other people? How do you distinguish between a normal uncomfortable feeling that you should work through and a boundary that is telling you something isn’t okay for you?

I’d really appreciate advice from people who have actually navigated consensual non-monogamy/open relationships.

My (30f) partner (28m) and I are in an open long distance relationship (we see each other every 2-3 weeks). I have specifically said that I am uncomfortable with being romantically open (so not poly, at least that’s how I understand that? I’m sorry if I’m wrong)

He has had a hookup with an acquaintance and sexted with a friend, which I was 100% okay with and I didn’t have any bad feelings or jealousy. But he just revealed to me today that he has been texting an old friend from high school a lot recently and helped her through a really awful breakup and they sent things to each other and she’s recently gotten flirty by saying he looks good in selfies. He told me he is interested in pursuing this sexually and seeing where it goes. She lives in his hometown, so it would probably mostly be sexting unless they hook up when he visits family.

I wasn’t upset at first but the more I sit with it the more I am. He has never once mentioned her until now, but they are apparently messaging all the time and they talk about things in their day and work (which I am always asking him to tell me about because I care about his life and what he’s up to). She apparently knows about me and our situation. He said he doesn’t have romantic feelings towards her at all and I do trust him and believe him, but I still feel hurt and uncomfortable.

The other layer is that we don’t have normal expectations of a relationship, we don’t want to get married or move in together. Our title for each other is “lovers” rather than “partner” or “girlfriend/boyfriend”
He has lots of close relationships with friends and would prefer to just hook up with them because he is scared of possible STIs from casual sex (even though he uses protection). I don’t mind those things, but something about this situation feels more emotional and like first steps of dating vs a sexual connection or just building a new friendship.

I’m asking about this because I am curious if this feels more like poly vs something that would be what’s within my boundaries (sexually open only)

I also understand that I am feeling both jealous and insecure about this situation.

Thank you, I really really appreciate it if you read this far

(burner btw) so i’ve found myself in a sticky crossroads. i’m 26 and have been in a straight, monogamous marriage for 4 years, together for 7. i grew up crazy evangelical fundamentalist christian and have been heavily deconstructing (after questioning pretty much forever) for about 5 years now.
i’ve pretty much always knows i was bi, and when i learned what pan entailed to i identified with that as well, and i was in what was practically a throuple (so sorry if that’s like not a proper term or something) for 3 years, but i didn’t have the language or acceptance of that at the time.
i’ve always been interested in ENM without really knowing, and only with recent developments in my deconstruction have i begun to truly recognize that.
i have talked about this very openly with my partner as it’s been unfolding, but recently i’ve been noticing the drive for something outside of the two of us and to be completely honest it scares me. i’m so crazily in love and happy where i am, but i just have this nagging feeling that i’m denying my true self.
the push to seek out some help came from a silly and offhand desire to retake the bdsm test (not sure what the general thoughts are on that test, please enlighten me if there is something i should know) and without really thinking much about what the categories might be or trying to answer a certain way or anything like that, i got 100% non-monogamist.

i know ultimately the best advice is going to be to talk openly with my partner, and i definitely can and will, but i’m not really even sure yet how deep it is

am i overthinking/overreacting or is this something i need to follow through on considering/understanding? i love to read, so reading suggestions welcome!

​

Throwaway account for obvious reasons. I’ve read the subreddit rules, and I hope this post is okay. I’ve looked around online trying to find the right place to ask about this, and this seemed like the most appropriate community I could find. I honestly don’t know where else I could get a genuinely honest perspective on this, so I decided to ask here. Everything I’ve written is true, and I’m genuinely looking for advice and perspectives from people who may have experienced something similar.

English isn’t my first language, so I used AI to help translate this post. I hope that’s okay!

Sorry in advance, this is going to be a bit long, but I could really use some outside perspectives.

First of all, I’m a bisexual guy. When I got together with my current girlfriend, she knew about my bisexuality from the very beginning. We’ve been together for around ten years.

She has always been very LGBT friendly and open minded. She’s basically the classic girl who’s really into BL and yaoi.

At the beginning of our relationship, we didn’t really talk much about this side of me, although she always said she was happy to have a bisexual boyfriend.

Over the years, though, she gradually started teasing me and playing around with that part of my sexuality more and more. I want to make it clear that this was a very gradual process that happened over several years, not some sudden escalation. It started with the occasional Instagram reel, and only much later progressed to MMF porn and increasingly explicit fantasies.

I always assumed this was pretty normal considering how much she likes BL and yaoi. I mean, it made sense that she might be curious about or turned on by the idea of a threesome.

Over the past few months, though, things have… intensified.

She started talking to me privately, and quite insistently, about other guys, having sex with them, and some pretty intense fantasies involving me and other men.

I always saw all of this as just fantasy, which was completely fine with me. Honestly, I even enjoyed it.

Then something happened a few weeks ago.

For some context, I’ve lost 70 pounds and started going to the gym. My body has changed quite a lot and I’ve gotten pretty muscular/defined.

We often go to LGBT parties and events around our area, where some of our friends also go. Nothing sexual at all , we usually just eat, hang out and talk.

The thing is… quite a few guys have started hitting on me. Nothing super obvious, to be clear, but still noticeable.

I’ve always turned them down, obviously.

But a few weeks ago, just for fun, I played along. I flirted back with one of my gay friends, completely as a joke.

My girlfriend witnessed the whole thing, walked over to us, and with what I can only describe as yandere eyes (I genuinely don’t know how else to describe it, sorry) said:

“Keep going, don’t worry. I won’t join in. I can just watch here if you want.”

Then she laughed it off.

I was a little surprised. Usually, we’ve always kept these fantasies between the two of us. But since it was one of our friends, I didn’t think much of it, and she also confirmed that she was just joking.

Then literally yesterday, I told her about an erotic dream I’d had about a guy.

She gave me those same yandere eyes and basically started begging me to have sex with other guys.

She told me that if I didn’t feel like talking to guys myself, she could even make a Grindr profile for me, help me find guys, bring them to me, and watch everything without participating herself.

She was incredibly proactive about it, almost as if her life depended on it.

What surprised me even more was what happened when I hesitated.

Instead of suggesting that we jump straight into anything sexual, she proposed that we start with something much more lowkey like going together to a gay nude beach.

Apparently, what excites her about that idea is the possibility of me flirting with other guys while we’re both naked. She seems particularly fascinated by the idea of being there with me, watching me interact with and attract other men, while sharing that experience together.

Now, I have no idea how long this has been building up inside her.

She talked to me like someone who had been walking through the desert for two months without a single drop of water, only to completely lose it the moment I finally opened up a little.

She says I should show off my new body and wants to let other guys enjoy it while she watches.

And honestly, this is where I'm starting to realize that her fantasy might be less about simply “letting me have sex with other guys” and more about watching me express that side of my sexuality in front of her.

I felt a little objectified, but honestly, I was also turned on by it.

I mean, I do miss having sex with guys. I’m not going to lie about that. But my girlfriend is incredibly important to me, and I absolutely don’t want to jeopardize our relationship.

So now I’m a little torn.

Part of me is genuinely curious and excited by the idea. Another part of me is scared of what actually acting on it could do to our relationship.

How would you handle something like this? How do you balance the desire with the fear?

And are there any women here who have experienced something similar with their bisexual boyfriend?

Howdy folks. I’m posting with a new account as I don’t want to have my partner stumble upon this and discover some feelings I’m processing, but I wanted to genuinely vent and get some advice concerning our dynamic.

Me (28M) and my partner (27F) have been in a relationship for 8 years. The first 3 were monogamous while we adjusted to being in a relationship, and albeit a bit rocky, we got through a lot of tough times together (college, multiple jobs, etc.). Then, she wanted to open our relationship up. I, being very understanding, did not want to squash her feelings and very happily open the relationship up for her to explore these feelings. This was with the understanding that, should we get married and want a family, we would switch back to monogamy. The next year or so was very rough, discovering boundaries, overcoming insecurities, and a lot of walking on eggshells for the both of us. But we got to a balancing point.

Then she separated from her other partner. After talking through their breakup, we kept the relationship open because she had become her authentic self in being non-monogamous. She had finally felt safe with me as a partner to fully explore her non-monogamy, and she had found it is part of her identity. She got with another partner, and with our communication and boundary discovery from the previous relationship, this section was a bit easier. But she just broke up with this partner last month. And she’s already got feelings for another possible partner. And, after almost 5 years of non-monogamy, I miss my monogamy. And, in a way, I feel that I am settling or sacrificing my monogamy to satisfy her non-monogamy. And I feel that I can’t do non-monogamy for the rest of my life.

She has stated in confidence that she feels, from her previous breakups, that she feels like “my non-monogamy makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me, that people don’t want me because of it.” I don’t want to enforce that sense because I care so much about her.

Thoughts? Should I let her down easy, or should I persevere for our love?

Context:

I’m a 26-year-old man. My friend’s girlfriend is also 26, and her boyfriend is 24. I’ve known him for about 6 years, and I knew her from high school for one year before losing touch with her. I’ve been seeing her again for the past 2–3 years since he introduced us. For a little over a year, they’ve been regularly inviting me to their place, often with the three of us spending time together.

Her behavior toward me

From the beginning, she has made some comments that I found unusual:

She repeatedly joked about whether I had a guest room and told me I could “take him with me” because he gets on her nerves.

Even though we weren’t talking about kids, she once said she wanted to give her future child my first name, which made her boyfriend visibly uncomfortable.

She has also joked about being pregnant in front of both of us.

There have also been several moments where she seemed particularly focused on me:

In February 2025, while her boyfriend was in another room changing his shirt, she ran toward me with her arms open as if she wanted to hug me. When I mentioned it to her boyfriend, he laughed. She then stopped, smiled at me behind his back, put a finger to her lips and said “shhh.”

At restaurants and cafés, she has deliberately changed seats so that she was sitting directly across from me, saying she felt more comfortable there.

She has told me that she doesn’t mind me coming over, even spontaneously, and that she makes an effort to cook so I don’t have to order food.

She has repeatedly suggested that I stay the night when it was late.

One morning when I became more distant, her boyfriend told me she immediately noticed, became worried, and even talked about it with her mother.

When her boyfriend was in the ER, she said she thought it was a shame I couldn’t stay with her at his bedside because only one person was allowed.

At a car garage, I noticed a picture of me taken from behind. I assumed her boyfriend took it, but she proudly told me “No, I took it for my story.”

At a car exhibition, she told me she kept looking behind her to make sure I was still there because she was looking for my hat in the crowd.

Some more questionable moments

At her birthday, while cutting the cake, she asked me to carefully choose my first piece. I jokingly said I’d give her the first piece to avoid “feminist associations.” She then looked at her boyfriend and said:

“See? Your friend likes me better. I’m the person he likes the most here.”

The next day, while several of us were sitting on the couch, she came directly behind me and pulled on my side of the couch as if she were trying to pull me back toward her.

A few days later, her boyfriend asked her whether she would stay with him if he left for six months. She initially said yes, but then said:

“You wouldn’t know anyway if there was no tracker. You’d never know if I cheated on you.”

He got angry and told her not to even try it. About a month later, they actually went on a break, although they eventually got back together.

The ice cream situation

One day I went to the mall with her boyfriend and we got ice cream. When he told her, she jokingly said that he now had to pay for ice cream for both me and her the next day. The next day, she reminded me that we needed to get our ice creams and that he had to pay.

Later, she and her boyfriend started arguing in public. I stepped away because I didn’t want to be involved. They came looking for me, and he told me he thought I had left and that he was upset because she was “making a scene” by arguing in front of his friend.

That same evening, he told me the next day was her birthday and that he really wanted me to come. I ultimately didn’t go.

The boyfriend’s behavior

His behavior is also strange to me.

He once told me completely out of context that he could leave his girlfriend and me alone together for an entire weekend and knew nothing would happen.

He sometimes says he asks her to make more of an effort so that she and I talk more.

He makes sexual jokes in front of her, including saying that I’m more “well-endowed” than he is.

He has repeatedly said he’d like the three of us to travel together, including to Asia. Whenever I suggested inviting other friends, he seemed less enthusiastic.

He also told me that out of his whole friend group, I’m apparently the person she likes the most, and that she never feels uncomfortable around me unlike with some of his other friends.

There was also an odd interaction at a car exhibition. We were standing in line, and he pointed to the empty space directly behind his girlfriend and told me:

“Insert yourself there.”

Later, I told him the wording made me uncomfortable because I wasn’t sure whether there was a double meaning. He laughed, said I looked uncomfortable, and when I asked whether there was actually a hidden meaning, he smiled and said:

“Maybe there was, maybe there wasn’t. You’ll never know.”

What I’m trying to understand

Individually, some of these things could obviously be jokes or completely innocent. What makes me question it is the overall pattern: she seems unusually attentive toward me, has made several comments that could be interpreted as flirtatious or suggestive, seems particularly concerned about my presence and reactions, and appears to prefer being around me.

At the same time, her boyfriend seems surprisingly comfortable with our closeness and sometimes even seems to encourage it.

THANKS FOR ALL THE ADVICE!

I'm going to start reaching out to therapists today to schedule an appointment, as my personal issues are clearly a big part of this, and need to be worked on regardless. I really appreciate everyone who tried to help.

I’m recently out of a long term relationship and looking to dive deeper into my sexuality. I’ve been wanting to explore more with women, so have been hunting for (older) non monogamous couples I could have fun or just hang out with, but I haven’t had success with apps so far. I’m 28F and a little shy, so I’m not really sure where to go out and find these types of dynamics in the wild in my area.

Where do couples seeking unicorns typically hang out? How can I tell they’re hunting? How do I best present myself as open as a solo female 🤣

hii me (F24) and my boyfriend (M29) are looking to have our first threesome with another girl but it has been so much harder trying to find someone willing to want to hang out with the both of us. Or someone real and not a bot. It’s either one or the other - never both. I was really trying to get this going before/for his birthday and i’m at the point where I want to just pay a girlie 🙈 to join but i have no idea where to look. We’re both decently attractive/surface level attractive so it wouldn’t be completely miserable for the third.
Any advice?

I (59F) have been w my bf (59M) for 5 years. We met in fet and have mfm and moresomes from the beginning. It's been very difficult, as most swingers know, to find another couple where there's mutual attraction on all 4 members. I have wondered about ENM as a way to find 2 other people who aren't a 'couple' but where we could all get along really well. The issue is timing. I don't know if now is the time to talk to my partner about that. He's going through a bad time now. Has a low paying (but flexible) job now and his adult daughter passed away 5 months ago and he's still grieving of course. The bigger worry I have is that my asking him to consider ENM and not just swinging is if that might make him feel worse like he can't be 'Enough'. I've also been supporting him during the past year when he's been out of work and continue to support him financially. He doesn't feel good about that. I actually think ENM would be really good for him because he doesn't really have close friends. His one childhood friend is probably his closest but lives out of state. I think opening would give him a shot at finding other relationships that would make him feel valued and cherished. My worry that he won't see it this way is because we've had such bad luck finding swinging couples. The couples we've liked have felt like the woman in that couple wasn't vibing with my bf. He feels he couldn't attract anyone else. Even though he is 6'3" and handsome he has a lot of grey hair and he thinks women look at him like an old man. (He does have a bit of a belly but he's working on it and having success with hiking and exercise) I think he is stunningly handsome and I used to book models for fashion shoots in nyc in the 90s. So I feel like I have an objective eye when it comes to physical appeal for both men and women. But he doesn't believe me. He thinks I just love him so much I think he's sexy. Anyways my question to all of u wise redditors out there is should I wait until he's in a better job position (rn he feels a little like a loser) or should I bring up opening our relationship and see if I might be right about another woman helping him feel better about himself. The grief thing is real and I know because I lost my first husband to cancer after 3 year battle. I know how grief becomes part of your fabric so there's no 'waiting for grief to be over' it never will. My reasons for wanting ENM relationship is because I love feeling like I have a cerebral equal. Someone who gets my nerdy weird full brain and has one too and will challenge me to think about other things. I love being poked into curiosity or learning and exploring. I guess I yearn for more mental stimulation than I currently get. My bf is great don't get me wrong. He's loving, kind, supportive, generous lover etc. and I wish I could help him feel better about his current "status" or situation. But I also want more mental stimulation than what I know he can give me. What do u think?

Long story short my (29f) fiancé (30m) and I are very secure in our relationship and have been for over 3 years now. A couple days ago I expressed a dream I had where I was in the middle of a threesome with him and another man. He had mentioned that it being a MMF situation, he would prefer it than another female. He also explains he loves the idea of me being dominated between himself and another. Our conversation didnt last long but I have been thinking about it non stop as to how i should bring this up again. I dont believe it would be a sensitive topic but i also dont want to keep talking about it and cause him to believe i am unhappy with him. Im truly happy, I just know i deeply enjoy the kinky side and would like to branch a little more while he is still my main partner and involved. I do have some boundaries in mind personally as to who we would bring into our relationship. I wouldnt want it to be someone who is a constant or someone who may catch feelings for either of us.

My question would be, how do i go about this topic seriously and not hurt our relationship?
I also would like to hear about others personal experiences. I never used to be the type that would ever consider non monogamy, but now I am in the most healthy relationship i have ever experienced and we are both learning more about ourselves i would like to explore with him.
Thanks in advance!

This past weekend, I (27f) went to a sed club with my partner (34m) of three years. We've done FFM threesomes and have tried soft swapping once with another couple as well. But we hadn't done a MFM threesome before. This is something we both have talked a lot about wanting to do for a while but I've always been shy about including another man in the mix if there wasn't another girl.

So this weekend we go to the sex club and we have sex in a few different places. I see this older man (I love older men) who is eyeing me a lot and at one point comes by my partner and I to watch us have sex. This man and I make eye contact a few times and then he leaves. As he's leaving, I say to my partner that I wish I could invite him to join us. My partner says that he could call that guy over to join us but I felt too shy so we left him alone.

We later go to another area to have sex and that guy comes back and is standing near us and I asked my partner if the guy can join us. And my partner invites him over. This guy is kissing me and it feels like he's taking my breath away. I loved how he felt and I loved his hands on my body. He also sucked on my titties and touched me lots. This man's energy and look was exactly my type.

My partner was having sex with me this whole time as well. I eventually go down on this guy and I really enjoy it. I loved his energy and I love the feeling of his hands on me. In the end my partner makes me squirt on the other guy. My partner said to me afterwards that if I wanted to have sex with that guy, my partner would have been okay with it. Because it was our first time doing this with a guy, I didn't want to be too enthusiastic or jump on him in case it made my partner feel bad. But I still loved the full experience. All I can think about is hoping that someday I will run into him again. He told me his name and I can't stop thinking about it.

I just wanted to share this experience somewhere on the internet!

I’m (26F) struggling quite a lot with the person I’m dating (28F) and I could really use some outside perspective, especially from people who have experience with poly/open relationships.

We met through a mutual friend and immediately hit it off. We saw each other a few more times through that friend, and eventually she invited me over because she wanted to spend time with me. She then told me about her Dom (36?M) who she was already involved with and explained that they meet once a week or less and talk about what scenarios they’re going to do. She said he’s not involved in her daily life.

We started hanging out more and things were really fun. After a while, she told me she saw us as dating, rather than just a situationship. We talked about what we wanted from relationships, and she said that ideally she would eventually like something somewhat open once she was in a secure relationship. She still wanted to go to fetish events and continue doing rope, etc.
I was actually excited about this. I’ve always wanted to explore my sexuality more, but I’ve never really been in a relationship where I felt safe enough to do that, and I’ve never had the confidence to explore those things on my own.

Then, after about two months of what she called dating, she suddenly told me that she was in love with her Dom. Apparently they also just talk about their day and they have sweet talk and cute messages and she tells him what she’s/ we’re going to do. She texts him goodnight also when she’s in bed with me even when I told her that felt really uncomfortable for me. She also said that if we ever became an actual relationship, he would remain in her life as a partner. That was a pretty big shock to me, especially because I had already started developing feelings and imagining what a relationship with her could look like.
Since then, the situation with him has caused a lot of tension between us. He sometimes calls or messages her while she’s with me, and at one point he was asking her for pictures of us together. He now wants her to share her location when she’s going out with me and she sends him selfies and when she’s not feeling good (threw up bc of alcohol) she tells him about it and not me even though I’m there asking hey are you okay you seem off. They’ve also been fighting quite a lot, and those fights have sometimes affected our dates and her mood.
More recently, they’ve talked things through and apparently taken a step back from their relationship. I can see that this has been weighing heavily on her too, and I genuinely care about how she feels.
But I’m struggling with what all of this means for us.
We made some agreements about how communication with him would work when we’re together, but those agreements haven’t always been followed. That has really damaged my trust. And now I’m at a point where I don’t just feel jealous or insecure. I don’t feel safe in the relationship. I don’t feel chosen. Our relationship during this dating phase hasn’t made any progress. There’s still the same arguments because she wasn’t honest in the beginning and I still don’t trust her because of it and it feels like in these past two months that really has been weighing on me.

I also don’t feel very validated or appreciated through words. Whenever I bring up that I’m struggling, she often responds by saying that I already knew about her boyfriend/Dom and that I knew she would be texting him, or that I need to trust her. She also says that he and I are equal and that I’m not her “priority partner.” I understand that intellectually, and I’m not asking her to pretend he doesn’t exist. But emotionally, it doesn’t feel equal to me right now. And when I try to explain that, she can become quite defensive, which unfortunately makes me even more insecure. I end up feeling like I’m asking for reassurance and instead getting told that my feelings are not valid our my own fault.
The thing I’m struggling with most is that I don’t know how to explain that “you should trust me” doesn’t actually solve the problem for me. Trust isn’t something I can just decide to have after agreements have been broken and I’ve repeatedly felt like there is another person sitting in the middle of our relationship.
I’m scared that I’m becoming more of a backup partner than someone she is genuinely building a future with. And I’m scared that even if she reassures me that this isn’t the case, I’ll never actually feel secure because there will always be this third person heavily involved in our relationship.

I don’t want to make her choose between us. I also don’t want to force her into a relationship structure that doesn’t fit her. But I do need to feel secure, valued and like there is an actual future for us.
So I guess my question is: how can I talk to her about this in a way that makes her understand that I’m not simply asking her to reassure me or “trust her,” but that I need her to take seriously what is making me feel unsafe?
And, perhaps more importantly, how do I figure out whether this is something we can actually work through, or whether we should just call it quits even though our goals and lifestyle and humour and energy levels do really match.