u/sickofthis4563

My (30f) partner (28m) and I are in an open long distance relationship (we see each other every 2-3 weeks). I have specifically said that I am uncomfortable with being romantically open (so not poly, at least that’s how I understand that? I’m sorry if I’m wrong)

He has had a hookup with an acquaintance and sexted with a friend, which I was 100% okay with and I didn’t have any bad feelings or jealousy. But he just revealed to me today that he has been texting an old friend from high school a lot recently and helped her through a really awful breakup and they sent things to each other and she’s recently gotten flirty by saying he looks good in selfies. He told me he is interested in pursuing this sexually and seeing where it goes. She lives in his hometown, so it would probably mostly be sexting unless they hook up when he visits family.

I wasn’t upset at first but the more I sit with it the more I am. He has never once mentioned her until now, but they are apparently messaging all the time and they talk about things in their day and work (which I am always asking him to tell me about because I care about his life and what he’s up to). She apparently knows about me and our situation. He said he doesn’t have romantic feelings towards her at all and I do trust him and believe him, but I still feel hurt and uncomfortable.

The other layer is that we don’t have normal expectations of a relationship, we don’t want to get married or move in together. Our title for each other is “lovers” rather than “partner” or “girlfriend/boyfriend”
He has lots of close relationships with friends and would prefer to just hook up with them because he is scared of possible STIs from casual sex (even though he uses protection). I don’t mind those things, but something about this situation feels more emotional and like first steps of dating vs a sexual connection or just building a new friendship.

I’m asking about this because I am curious if this feels more like poly vs something that would be what’s within my boundaries (sexually open only)

I also understand that I am feeling both jealous and insecure about this situation.

Thank you, I really really appreciate it if you read this far

I ended a 10-year relationship with my ex after spending years dealing with his alcoholism and emotional abuse. I've shared more of the backstory in previous posts for anyone who wants additional context.

The breakup itself was incredibly difficult. He refused to accept that it was really over and stayed in my house for months afterward. In the end, I had to find a new roommate before he finally moved out, and even then I was left packing up a lot of his belongings because he hadn't done it himself.
Even though we're no longer together, it honestly doesn't feel like much has changed.

We weren't sleeping together before the breakup, so that hasn't been an issue, but the codependency is still very much there. He calls me several times every day, wants to play online games together constantly, and the biggest complication is that we share custody of my dog. He takes the dog one or two days a week.

I don't want to keep living like this. I'm embarrassed that we've fallen into the same patterns, and I've even been hiding the truth from friends because I'm ashamed of how little distance I've created. I want to move forward with my life, but after spending so many years walking on eggshells, I still struggle to set boundaries. I'm scared that if I finally do, he'll lash out at me or harm himself. He owns several guns and has been dealing with serious mental health issues, although he insists he wouldn't act on those thoughts.

I realize a lot of this comes down to my inability to enforce boundaries, and I know I need to change that.

Has anyone been in a similar situation or have any advice on how to finally break this cycle and move on?