Feelings of Change
Howdy folks. I’m posting with a new account as I don’t want to have my partner stumble upon this and discover some feelings I’m processing, but I wanted to genuinely vent and get some advice concerning our dynamic.
Me (28M) and my partner (27F) have been in a relationship for 8 years. The first 3 were monogamous while we adjusted to being in a relationship, and albeit a bit rocky, we got through a lot of tough times together (college, multiple jobs, etc.). Then, she wanted to open our relationship up. I, being very understanding, did not want to squash her feelings and very happily open the relationship up for her to explore these feelings. This was with the understanding that, should we get married and want a family, we would switch back to monogamy. The next year or so was very rough, discovering boundaries, overcoming insecurities, and a lot of walking on eggshells for the both of us. But we got to a balancing point.
Then she separated from her other partner. After talking through their breakup, we kept the relationship open because she had become her authentic self in being non-monogamous. She had finally felt safe with me as a partner to fully explore her non-monogamy, and she had found it is part of her identity. She got with another partner, and with our communication and boundary discovery from the previous relationship, this section was a bit easier. But she just broke up with this partner last month. And she’s already got feelings for another possible partner. And, after almost 5 years of non-monogamy, I miss my monogamy. And, in a way, I feel that I am settling or sacrificing my monogamy to satisfy her non-monogamy. And I feel that I can’t do non-monogamy for the rest of my life.
She has stated in confidence that she feels, from her previous breakups, that she feels like “my non-monogamy makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me, that people don’t want me because of it.” I don’t want to enforce that sense because I care so much about her.
Thoughts? Should I let her down easy, or should I persevere for our love?