r/monogamy

My (23F) boyfriend (23M) recently asked to open our relationship and ever since i have been really struggling with myself, our relationship, and my feelings toward him. I apologise for the length.

Important context:
I am an intersex woman, i have a condition that makes me appear like any other woman but my genitals look a little different, i have no internal reproductive organs or vaginal canal, and i have XY chromosomes. I had surgery as a kid to make my genitals look more like a regular vulva, and i had another surgery last year to create a small vaginal canal from a skin graft.

Ok so i met my boyfriend about a year and a half ago. I have always been extremely scared of sex and dating due to being intersex. I have had like two short lived FWB over the years. When i met my boyfriend it was a very slow and vulnerable process getting close to me and having sex. He made me feel wanted in a way i never had before, he was always so nice and tried his best to make me comfortable. He was much more experienced with sex and dating than i was so he kind of took the lead.

I had the second surgery i mentioned about 3 months into officially dating him and he helped me with recover and everything.

During this time he revealed to me that he thinks he might be bisexual. I was kinda like 'cool, i dont care', I've always been very close to queer, trans, and intersex people so it wasn't an issue for me. We hugged and left it there.

A couple months later we tried having sex with my new vaginal canal. it was hard and painful (the doctors said it would be for a little while and to go slow), so again we took it very slow and tried a few times over the course of a month, and eventually everything seemed to be working fine to me.

During this time (while we were cuddling in bed after sex) he brought up the idea of an open relationship. This really shook me. I asked what he meant by open, and he explained it would only be sex nothing romantic. He said he mainly wanted to 'explore with other men and some women'. My heart really broke in that moment because, as someone who's body is objectively different and unique from most people and who is still getting comfortable with sex, it felt like he was saying I wasn't enough. My body wasn't enough. Like maybe after finally having 'normal' sex with me he decided it felt bad and wanted a normal body again.

He tried to soothe me saying it's not that, he said he 'loves me emotionally, and this stuff is just physical exploration'. I said i would think about it. I listened to a bunch of audiobooks and read a lot online. I tried to understand the appeal of non-monogomy, the way people described it as freeing and stuff. I really tried to picture myself liking or enjoying it, because i know it does truly work for a lot of people .

The issue is, if we had an open relationship, i already know it would only involve hime sleeping with others, i wouldn't be able to participate. Sex and dating are so hard for me, it's so hard to trust someone with my body, it's hard to have casual sex when i need to explain so many quirks with my anatomy. For me, my boyfriend is my safe person who understands me and my body and (i thought) chose me over 'normal' bodies. Sex with him got to b easy and comfortable and required no talking after a certain point. I can't just have that with anyone.

I told him i can't do it, I gave him my reasoning, and he just said 'ok, but you can always bring it back up to me if you change your mind'. We haven't talked about it since.

Ever since, though, i have felt awful. I am struggling to be physical with him at all because i feel so scared he just doesn't like my body or my scars or anything else. When we have been physical i keep my underwear on and haven't been letting him touch me, i only please him. I just feel really scared.

I think i feel like he doesn't want to be with me, like being monogamous with me is a compromise for him. I told him this and he tried to reassure me by saying 'its not about you not being enough, its about me just wanting to explore different types of bodies with men and women, it has nothing to do with you and i only emotionally love you, nobody else'.

He keeps emphasising that he emotionally loves me, which is reassuring to an extent but it makes me feel like he likes me mentally and as a person but not my body. He doesn't want my body the way he does other people. It feels like he's with me in spite of my body not because of it, which hurts.

We try to talk about it but nothing he says is really making me feel any better. I don't know what to do. I feel myself becoming really jealous and resentful too, like i feel angry with him, i feel like overtime he goes out he might be cheating on me.

I don't know how to cope or fix this. I really need some advice.

I (31) have been with my boyfriend (39) for 10 months now. He was previously married monogamous, his ex wife realized she was bi and they started a poly relationship with others for 5 years before they divorced. He since has been monogamously dating for the last 3 years before meeting me.

I myself am divorced for 2 years from a long toxic marriage that involved addiction issues and infidelity from my partner. I spent a year after my divorce really focusing on myself, healing, not dating and being in therapy.

When I first met my boyfriend, he told me his history and I was initially fine with it. But now that I am really falling deeply in love with him and we are starting to intertwine our lives together, I find myself with growing insecurities about his poly past. I get such dark thoughts about him having multiple long term girlfriends at the same time, sharing threesomes and kinks, their alt lifestyles at goth clubs and sex parties, the 'i love you's' they shared, and how he was in poly relationships without his ex wife.

Although he is no longer poly, I believe he still carries some remnants of those values in his current lifestyle today, such as being friends with that poly social group (although no longer clubbing or partying with them), staying friends with those exes, and not having strong boundaries with other women (as long as it's not cheating, it's okay).

I know he no longer lives a poly life, but the thoughts really tug at my insecurities and it has been so difficult to let them go. I compare myself to these women, like how did he love them so quickly but it took us six months? Is our sex life not as fulfilling because it's more fun with a third person who is probably way more experienced than me? Am I enough? His personality is why I was so drawn to him in the first place, and his past is what made him who he is today. But how do I get past my negative thoughts about it?

I'd love to hear if anyone has experienced something similar, either like myself dating a formerly poly person or as the person who left poly and is back to monogamously dating.

I 30F am currently in a relationship with 43M. I personally am mono while they are poly. Our relationship feels like a cycle of them just never wanting to put in deep emotional work I require. I feel like I keep falling into similar cycles in the past with people who weren’t poly at the time, but did become poly. How do I avoid these men? They’re charming and funny. I want to break out of this loop. 😭

I was poly under duress. Maybe almost the textbook definition of it, except my partner didn't do it on purpose, I believe. They just didn't know what they were doing and went about it all wrong. We were dating for a couple months, I was very much in love. I didn’t know we were doing non-monogamy, I only knew that they said they could do both. Then they told me one night they'd gone on a date with someone and had sex.

That was how I found out I was in a non-monogamous relationship.

At the time I absolved them of any wrong doing. I said I wished they had talked to me first, despite feeling betrayed. But I idealized them at that point, and took the blame myself. I should have asked, should have known it was a possibility. Even though they never told me about anyone else that entire time, never talked about wanting to date anyone, or asked me what I thought about it. Not once did it come up in those months, the possibility that they were dating other people.

In retrospect, I think: how was I to know they wanted to do non-monogamy, when it seemed like we were happy, and they said that they could do either? I don't think I was hoping for too much. I wasn't the one who should have brought up the conversation - they should have done that first, before having sex with someone else, before even getting close to me.

Thing is, they were inexperienced. They learned how to do non-monogamy while in a shitty relationship that ended badly. They were wrong to do that, but I don't believe there was any deception behind it - just ignorance, not knowing how to do it ethically. Not knowing that there's no such thing as passive consent when it comes to non-monogamy - all parties involved need to be enthusiastically on board.

I think this is where the anger comes from. Because it was all so wrong, and no one recognizes that. No one will say “I’m sorry.” And from the outside, it looks like I signed up for it, like there’s no one to blame except maybe myself. It’s such a mindfuck.

I did non-monogamy with them for almost 2 years. I kept hoping it would get easier for me, but it never did. I read the books, listened to the podcasts, pored over blogs and reddit posts. I learned a lot about non-monogamy and understood how it could work for some people, but it still made no sense to me. Why would I want anyone else if I am with the person I love? How could they want anyone else if I really am enough, like they say I am?

I dated, kissed, had sex, with other people, despite not wanting to. I was hoping that it would all make sense once I met someone else that I actually liked. But I didn't, and I didn't really care to. The sex felt like nothing to me. Many of the people I dated were really cool, but I just wanted to be friends with them.

I asked to be monogamous twice. The first time was from a place of overwhelm and desperation. I couldn't handle it anymore. But it seemed like the relationship would end, and it felt like that would hurt more than continuing with non-monogamy. I sucked it up and said I changed my mind, and even lied to my therapist and said I really did want to keep going with it. I almost believed it myself.

I would still remember, though, that our relationship was conditional. We were only together as long as they could date and have sex with other people. It killed me.

8 months passed. Sometimes things were good, so good that I'd forget we weren't really together in the way I wanted to be. I had met their family and friends. I moved to be closer to them. But when things were hard, it was really hard. But they didn't even do anything most people would think of as unethical. I had signed up for it, right? So when they scheduled a date with someone on my last day in town before a long trip, I really wasn't allowed to feel bad about it, or ask them not to go on that date. I had to deal with it. According to the advice I read, I should have planned to see them in advance if that's what I wanted. I wasn't allowed to have expectations in what looked, in all other respects, like a committed long-term relationship. Wasn't allowed to expect my partner to want to see me before I left.

I learned that jealousy is insecurity - I just needed to "process my feelings" and understand them, and then it would be fine. I thought I was processing my feelings. I was just disconnecting, avoiding, pretending, because it is not possible to process feelings when the situation you are in is fundamentally wrong for you. If you betray yourself like that, there are consequences. There is no way to fix it but to undo it.

The second time I asked for monogamy, I thought for sure it was the end. But they agreed. Neither of us had been dating anyone for a while. They seemed sad and pessimistic about how this would affect our relationship, but I knew it could only help. And we are still going - it's not perfect, but it's better.

I still have so much anger in me, though, and sometimes I just feel sad. I wish things hadn't been that way. I had figured out that non-monogamy was a crutch for them, because they'd been in bad relationships, and this probably seemed like the solution to not getting hurt, not putting all your eggs in one basket. I can analyze everything that happened, turn it inside-out, come up with some logical reason for everything they did that caused me pain. But it doesn't fix it. To my broken heart it didn't matter that their intentions were good and they didn't mean to hurt me. They always had the choice to stop. They most likely knew I didn't really want to be non-monogamous, because they'd accuse me of that in arguments. I'd deny it because I didn't want to lose them.

My own fault. No one to blame but myself. Just a bad situation.

But I got what I needed, and they chose me in the end. So how do I let go of the anger and the hurt? I think about things that happened and I feel sick. It seems like a bad dream. How could I do that to myself? How could they do that to me?

Despite them being really shitty at non-monogamy, they actually are the most thoughtful person I've ever known, which only makes it more confusing.

I would like to know how to let go of these feelings, how to stop my mind from looping over past events and trying to understand everything but never finding an answer. I just want to enjoy the relationship I have now.

in monogamous relationships there is the emotional and spiritual element of deeply connecting with someone. almost like a soul merging sort of event. this translates in sex where it almost feels like a converging of souls. it is so highly spiritual and transcendent - and a large part of that is both people have the capacity for emotional depth and make the conscious choice to engage in deep love with each other and feel safe in order to do so. like there is this extreme tenderness, care, trust, spiritual bonding and vulnerability/surrender that could not be exist if others were involved.

from what i can understand and have observed - polyamorous/“enm” relationships lack emotional depth and have a large amount of highly avoidant and emotionally stunted individuals who value autonomy. it almost feels like hookup culture in a sense where people involved really divorce themselves from feelings and emotions which i would assume leads to an inability to access the spiritual and transcendent qualities that sex can have which is why they often view it as like a drug or recreational activity (ie “play parties”) rather than something sacred.

i don’t even mean like sacred in like a puritanical way but im talking like sex can be a spiritual merging of souls and i would have to imagine this is inaccessible to people in poly/enm relationships?

my question is for those who have been in both poly and mono relationships- how does this translate in the sexual experiences of each relationship type? what has your experience been? how does it feel and what are the differences in each?

TLDR*; I'm worried I unintentionally brainwashed myself for years into thinking cheating is sexy and am permanently damaged/incompatible with a monogamous lifestyle*.

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Pansexual 24M here. It genuinely feels like I'm missing something that pretty much everyone gets when it comes to monogamous relationships, and it makes me question my ability to form a meaningful romantic partnership in life. I haven't felt comfortable sharing this with anyone because I've been too ashamed... but have recently been coming clean to a lot of past regrets & guilt as well as just attempting to understand myself more in general, so I figured I could field this sub a question given that perspectives from other people would likely be very helpful:

I've had what I guess is a cheating kink for a really long time. Hard to immediately know or say how long because it was present as far back as my first long term relationship in high school. She (will be named Sarah) was a year older than me, and we were together for ~one and a half years. Before I was with her I had been talking more casually to someone else (will be named Emma) who was two grades below me. Nothing crazy intimate or anything since we were both in our early teens, just movie dates. But we were exclusive I guess. Being a sophomore dating an eighth grader felt really strange and I don't remember feeling like us being together was totally okay, even when her parents were driving us to/from the movies. If I remember correctly I called things off around February of my sophomore year, and a couple of months later I ended up asking Sarah (who I'd been really attracted to since the seventh grade) to prom... and she said yes! Hooray. Out of the gate though I had been developing issues & complexes that I'm sure were detrimental to our relationship dynamic in the long term. My first few sexual experiences were largely shaped and encouraged by pornography. By the time I was in middle school I would say I had developed a porn addiction, or at least relied on it for masturbation a lot. Anyone who has spent time on the hub can attest that pipelines into weird taboo shit are so accessible on that site. I'm pretty sure the first examples of infidelity I saw were through pornography, which obviously fetishized it as something that "was good because it was bad". Cheating scenes in movies started to seem more desirable, especially instances of someone being seduced into cheating by a homewrecker. I think at first it was a sort of fascination/curiosity? But really I don't know what it was specifically that drew me to it. This was the start of my feeling ashamed about a deep dark secret that I felt I couldn't share with anyone and have denied/hidden away since.

Fast forward to the end of my junior year. Sarah was graduating and heading off to college in the fall. We had talked with each other about wanting to stay together but hadn't made any concrete plans on how that would work. A couple of months before the end of our relationship, things started feeling a little off. Communication from her was slowing down and she was beginning to express doubts or dissatisfaction in the relationship. It was harder to notice this in person, but as it kept on, there was less and less effort made for those in person times to even happen. I forget exactly what prompted me to do this, but around mid-May I started texting Emma again. We both were in relationships but also inevitably around each other since we were both percussionists in band, so things started off friendly/logistics-based ("hey do you need a ride tomorrow" sort of stuff). But from the jump I think I caught a vibe that we both were feeling vulnerable, confused, bored waiting if that makes sense. At one point about a week before Sarah broke up with me Emma and I started confiding in each other about our problems in our relationships. I wasn't talking about it with anyone else at the time, and keeping my discontentment close to my chest only fed this illusion of injustice (yuck) that I bought into because I had come to expect our relationship to be a constant that would never change... something that was serving my needs and from my gross assumptions should have served Sarah's. Emma ended up inviting me over, and I think my attitude was sort of "...well it doesn't seem like Sarah cares enough to keep our relationship alive, so why should I". I didn't think about it too hard and went over to Emma's. We watched TV just sitting back on her couch, shoulder to shoulder proximity, holding hands. Could have been worse but even then I definitely considered it cheating. The intention matters, and I was definitely trying to rebel against a situation that felt unfair to me. I did definitely feel guilty. But another part of me felt weirdly into it. Perhaps having a dramatic secret like that felt novel and romantic? I've never shared the story of this night with anyone because at this point we're dipping into parts of myself I'm still not comfortable with... actions that have felt totally wrong from the status quo. These are the sorts of thoughtless mistakes that make me question if there is good in me.

Sarah broke things off a week later to focus on school and for a while after I stuck to casual relationships. Emma and I started hooking up that fall but at one point in the middle of us having sex I said I needed to stop, that it didn't feel right. For the next three years I would stick to one off flings, running away at the sight of a larger commitment. Maybe I was scared of the type of person I saw myself becoming at the end of my relationship with Sarah. But I wasn't reflecting on any of this at the time, just going through with the blinders on as I figured out everything else in my life. Started deconstructing my homophobia as I realized gender didn't really matter to me as long as I found the person attractive... though still prioritized hetero-normative relationships though likely due to my continued use of porn. Eventually I left my hometown for school, and my second long term relationship began at the end of my first year in college.

Two months into my new relationship with this girl two and a half years older than me (will be named Alex), I went back home and cheated on her with someone I had matched with on Tinder before I went to college. I legitimately couldn't tell you why I chose to do this other than theorizing it as blatant self-destruction. Alex was inexperienced sexually and instead of communicating my concerns in an honest, healthy way, I chose to just cheat on her with someone who was able to meet my desires. I had been spiraling a bit since arriving back home, day drinking (which is extremely atypical for me) and smoking weed every day all day. Alex is from Spain so when we were both home she was literally on the other side of the world. So I invite this Tinder girl over and we smoke some weed, drink a bit, and start watching some bullshit on the TV. I was the one who initiated and kissed her, and unfortunately this time around I went all the way. Even though we dated for two and a half years after that, I would say that choice at the beginning of our relationship marked the death of what could have been a successful relationship. After that, things were never going to work out between us. She could never trust me in the same way again and I was so guilty that I could never totally own up admit to her that I was the one who really wanted to do it. At first, I am literally disgusted that I did this, I lied claiming it was some form of assault on me... that I didn't want to do it but was essentially raped while under the influence. This was easily the most sociopathic, narcissistic, selfish, manipulative thing I have ever done in my life. It's a permanent stain on my transcript that I'm sure would be a no-brainer dealbreaker for nearly anyone, including many of you reading this.

And the worst part is... after this repugnant betrayal of trust, throughout the rest of our relationship, I still thought about other people. I still watched pornography centered on infidelity. Alex and I never reached a level of intimacy that satisfied me, one factor was again her lack of experience, but another was that I literally felt/feel like I was fundamentally unfit for a monogamous relationship. There was no way I could be about monogamy and also have committed those acts, have these thoughts, find the idea of different/multiple partners so compelling. Our relationship is over now and I still feel so confused as to my identity and what it is I'm looking for out of sex. I don't really care about getting married or having kids right now, but in a distant reality I could see myself enjoying a life like that with someone. Another thing I find confusing about all of this is that, even though I can't say for sure because I never experienced it firsthand, I don't think if my partner was seeing other people that I would care. Maybe at this point I believe I deserve it? But everything just seems so grey. I don't want to get into another long term monogamous relationship with someone right now because I fucked up so badly in my last one that I wouldn't be surprised if no one who knew this about me would be willing to engage with me in a romantic way ever again. I've considered my feelings regarding ethical non-monogamy and whether I'd be down to become part of a polycule because it feels like this is just my life now. Even if I wish things were different, the effects of porn addiction and my immature interpretations/expectations that I derived from it have snowballed and turned me into someone that feels so far removed from normal relationship culture that I question whether the damage is irreversible at this point. Lately I've been sober way more of the time than I've been high as well as staying away from porn for the most part, or at least if I use it doing what I can to steer clear of anything related to being unfaithful to one's partner. I'm also refraining from hitting anyone up to initiate any kind of serious romantic connection since it's clear I have issues I'm working through and I don't want to end up hurting anybody again.

Last night I was watching a show and still found myself getting aroused when one of the characters ended up choosing to cheat on their partner. It's frustrating that it seems kind of inherent to me at this point even if I don't tell anyone about it. Has anyone else on this sub transitioned out from this sort of hole (lol) before, and if so what is that process like? Will I have to contend with these compulsions forever and essentially mask/subdue this "evil" side of me? How should I communicate any of this with future partners or should I even go there? I'm quite lost.

Hello everyone! I don’t think I’m “naturally” monogamous as some other folks here are - I still get crushes etc - but my man is amazing and I want to be his wife. At the beginning, he thought he could do ENM with me, but then realized he couldn’t. So I’ve committed to monogamy with him. It hasn’t been easy for me, overcoming my fear of commitment and this transition, and I feel horrible for what I’ve put him through over our two years together. But I’ve NEVER cheated or acted on any thoughts… it was more like, talking about it or having thoughts about it made him insecure. However, over time, I learned more and more how to do this monogamy thing. My man brought the phrase to the table, “we’re married, not buried” and I flooded with relief. I’m relieved that even married folks give crushes and don’t act on them.

I know that, hands-down, monogamy is the best relationship structure for me, for many many reasons. Plus, with my man who’s my best friend and an incredible person? Fantastic. I have no regrets about my choice.

Regardless, I feel very different than the folks in here who seem to just naturally BE monogamous rather than choose it. I really do think my “ENM” is fear of commitment and dopamine-seeking, in some ways. I’ve been working on it a lot in therapy.

But I’m curious if there’s anyone else in this subreddit who’s like me, and if so, any wisdom for the beautiful journey ahead that is lifelong partnership? Thanks!

i’m a woman in a monogamous relationship and my boyfriend wants to explore intimacy with his female friends he already has loosy goosy boundaries with. I’m not interested in that lifestyle.

he tells me i can have a girlfriend if i want. But then i ask him if he feels the same way about me seeing other men? his answer is no.

i’m queer and don’t naturally like most men so i think he isn’t threatened by me exploring anything with a man as he tries to open up our relationship. Also i think it fetishizes queer women and undermines queer relationships, as if there is noooo way id leave him for a woman??

isn’t this hypocritical?!? Why should i be told that im jealous and insecure over him breaking my boundaries with his friends but if i did the same with a man (which i have no interest in) it’d be unthinkable???

All other animals, even some primates sleep around. With all these new ideas I have seen around. Are humans really suppose to be monogamous?

Do you think there’s a possible pattern to how monogamous and non-monogamous people differ? Maybe some poly people are just better at compartmentalizing? Like intimacy with one person doesn’t take away your love for your partner typa thing.
saying this cuz my ex who turned out to be poly would explore intimacy with other women and didn’t feel horrible about it, nor distance himself from me. To me that’s compartmentalizing, to be able to separate relationships like that.

Me personally, i wouldnt be able to look my partner in the eye if i explored anything with anyone else.

What are yalls thoughts?

Has anyone in this subreddit experienced polybombing?

I‘m monogamous and i don’t want to generalize all poly people, but sometimes i feel like desiring more openness while knowing your monogamous partner doesn’t want to explore anything with anyone but you creates this sense of non-threatening environment.

Like my ex started calling me jealous and insecure of his female friends bc he wanted to explore intimacy with them and i was not comfy w that. BUT IF I was also snuggling in the middle of the night with my male friend he’d freak the fuck out. Like he was jealous over random ass things when i’d occasionally hang out with my male friends. Asking shit like “does he have a gf”, which ive never asked when he’s hung out with any of his female friends + planned solo travels with them.

He’d say i was the reason he had less female friends (bc im not ok w him being intimate) but he actually ended a friendship between a guy friend and i over deadass nothing.

he also announced himself monogamISH at the end instead of having a serious conversation with me about our relationship’s future. Which i think is so lame. Just have the balls to say you want more openness and end the relationship rather than throw your partner into confusion like that.

So i’m confused, why was he expecting me to be okay when he’d break my boundaries but if i did the equivalent it’d be unthinkable? Is it because it was convenient to just have a partner that’s not interested in openness so you don’t feel threatened?

We've been dating a few months and I think I'm realizing we may have different conceptions of what monogamy means.

My gf has a poly "friend" who they've hooked up a number of times with the most recent time a ~3 months before we got together. She wants to keep hanging out with him and going out to one-on-one dinner/drinks (the last time she got quite drunk). She sees nothing wrong with this and I should just trust her that she will maintain proper boundaries.

I believe her that this is someone that she cares about more than just a hook up buddy. Maybe I'm more traditional but in my view of monogamy if someone has recent sexual history or isn't clearly platonic then there should be a little more distance. It would never occur to go on something date-like with someone I recently slept with.

Is this my stuff I need to deal with or is this a genuinely weird situation?

Using a throw away account.

First time posting here, and looking for some advice/perspe

My boyfriend (43m) and I (32f) have been together for nearly 6 years. We’re potentially planning a cross country move in the next couple of months, and we’ve been talking about marriage since October 2024 and have even gone to try on rings, he has my ring specifications and we’ve talking about wedding ideas. We’ve lived together for more than 3 years, we own a car together, we got a dog together, and our lives, families, and finances are deeply intertwined at this point. We’re deep in love and have gone through so much in our time together. It’s been the best relationship I’ve been in by far and I love him more than I thought possible. 

About 5 months into our relationship (I had already caught feelings at this point) he revealed to me that he thought he was polysexual (not amorous) and wanted to have threesomes or couple swaps with me. This really stressed me out and I struggled with it a lot at the time. Primarily feelings of inadequacy and hurt as I had never experienced a situation like this before. We nearly broke up but I agreed to explore with him. The relationship was new, I was trying to be open minded, and while I was immensely skeptical I had hoped that I would find enjoyment in it.

We chatted with plenty of people online, met a few in person, and had 2 true semi-sexual encounters with 2 other couples. This all occurred over the course of about 2 months. Afterwards emotionally, I felt horrible. I felt disgust with myself for putting myself in those situations that I genuinely didn’t enjoy even remotely and I felt such jealousy for seeing him be physical with another woman. And then I felt guilt for being jealous for something I consented to. I told him after the last encounter how uncomfortable I felt (and granted, I did downplay my feelings on this). I don’t remember us having an intentional conversation about stopping the pursuit of ENM, but we did and then more than 5 years of life happened together. Our relationship during all this time has been actually incredible. I have never experienced love or connection like this, and we’re so hot for each other after all this time. On average, we consistently have sex 4-5 times per week (and it’s REALLY good sex). We also have a Dom/sub dynamic which we both love and get a lot of satisfaction and fulfillment out of, although over the years, this dynamic I think has naturally lessened in its intensity but it’s something I’ve brought up to him numerous times that I’d like to get more into again. In the first couple years of our relationship, during sex as dirty talk he may say something every so often about having a threesome but to me this was fully something being fantasized about in the heat of the moment. We had literally zero real conversations about ENM in more than 5 years, and the occasional dirty talk about this fantasy stopped 2-3 years ago. Since then, I guess I have naturally and unintentionally assumed he no longer felt that way and was happy and fulfilled by our monogamous relationship.

Which brings us to 2 weeks ago. He unexpectedly revealed to me his intense need to be a bull in a cuckold dynamic. I was absolutely stunned and blindsided by this! Since then, he’s also re-established what sounds like a requirement to be with other women sexually, primarily either through threesomes with me, swinging, or meeting up with women on his own and separate from me entirely (essentially, my choice on which direction). I did not know how to respond to this information and we didn’t talk about it much for about a week and a half and I spent that time primarily researching what to do. My core understanding and sense of safety that I have with our relationship feels shattered. He swears that it’s not a matter of me not being enough for him, but how could it not? I also don’t understand how much more could he need? We have great and frequent sex. What am I missing? 

We finally talked about it last night and we talked for more than 4 hours. Primarily me trying to understand him and he trying to understand what I’m comfortable with. Which at this point, I am not comfortable with anything other than monogamy. I asked him if we could see a sex therapist together to work through this for both of us, but that I cannot force myself to endure a sexual arrangement or experience that puts my heart and health (both mental and physical) at risk. I also am absolutely terrified to lose him over something that feels so shallow/hollow. How does fleeting sexual gratification with somebody entirely random compare to the depth of the emotional and physical intimacy that we share? It doesn’t feel fair for him to risk our relationship over something so cheap and fleeting. 

In trying to understand where this desire comes from with him, I do not see how it’s anything more than fantasy rather than an actual sexual need that must be acted on. I don’t feel like that’s a fair mindset for me to have, but it’s one I can’t stop coming back to. I have asked him in a number of ways what he’s hoping to get out of this that he doesn’t get with me, and he doesn’t really have an answer? He just says it’s how he is. He thinks monogamy is tied to purity culture and thinks that humans are naturally not wired for it, but I completely disagree when you actually look at human biology, neurology, and endocrinology — we’re hard wired for pair bonding. And that’s before we even get into the anthropological and evolutionary reasons humans tend to be largely monogamous. He has significant trauma tied to sex in a number of ways from his past, but the prevailing one is likely his deeply cult-like religious upbringing. To me it feels like he lacked control and agency with his sexuality for a lot of his life due to trauma, and in adulthood, how he expressed his sexuality is a way he feels he’s exercising control. I’m not trying to pathologize him or “solve” anything, but I feel like this is important context to have that may be informing his feelings. 

At the end of the day, I cannot force him to be monogamous for me and I cannot force myself to be non-monogamous for him. I am willing to work with a therapist through my anxieties and any internalized biases or shame that I may somehow have in order to try for him. But I am worried it’s not going to be enough and that he’ll give up this relationship so he can have sex with whomever he wants. 

I am absolutely sick over this and experiencing panic attacks. As we wait to see a therapist (I’ve reached out and done intake forms but waiting to hear about if it’s the right fit for this therapist and their availability) I could really use some outside input. This feels too taboo to bring up to anyone close to me, and I don’t want anyone I would confide in to automatically take my side and/or judge him. I don’t think that either of us is necessarily in the wrong, but this is the most challenging thing we’ve faced and the stakes are incredibly high. 

Hola! Tengo un perfil de Instagram que trata sobre poliamor y me gustaría hacer algunos vídeos respondiendo a preguntas que puede tener una persona monogama que no sabe nada del mundo de la no monogamia o del poliamor. Porque aunque a mí me parezcan cosas muy lógicas porque las conozco, sé que alguien que no esté familiarizado con el tema puede tener muchas dudas. Así que sí, preguntad cualquier duda que os surja, puede ser lo explícita o extraña que sea, no juzgo.

I am deeply monogamous. To the point I feel maybe my views are insane because of how little anyone else seems to agree or share the same views with what I think

I believe that if I am with someone, and we are monogamous, and we truly love each other then attraction and lust for others should not exist and definitely shouldn’t be acted upon. Finding someone attractive is one thing, there are plenty of people I see as attractive that I am not attracted to (like my own gender) I’m talking about actual sexual and physical attraction. I view it as disrespectful and cheating and the other partner not being enough for the one attracted to someone else. I also consider porn and lusting after someone other than your partner and thinking about them sexually or wishing to have sex with them cheating.

Of course I know these are things someone may never know about their spouse unless they told them, but if I knew my spouse felt like that I would be hurt and feel like they cheated on me and don’t truly love me?

And I was rethinking ever dating or marrying in general since most men and many women do not seem to adhere to these views when it comes to relationships, and cheating (like sex with someone else) is always so prevalent.

Majority of the world says these things are natural and normal and one shouldn’t be upset or consider it cheating. So, I feel crazy viewing it this way but I also don’t think I can ever change how I feel about it.

My ex would claim that fantasies were normal and that he'd rotate between fantasizing about having sex with different female friends of his when masturbating.

I personally could naturally only think of him when masturbating. I'm probably not as much of a fantasizer so i'd like to understand how it works. And I agree we are wired differently, how do yall feel about this?

J'ai souvent entendu cette phrase, au début je n'y croyais pas trop, et au final j'ai pu toujours constater que c'est assez vrai.

Dès que je vois un couple où la femme aime le plus, semble plus attachée, elle est traitée comme acquise, voire avec irrespect.

Et l'inverse quand je vois que c'est l'homme qui semble le plus amoureux, la femme semble être rassurée et épanouie, et le relation semble durer.

Moi même j'ai déjà fait l'erreur de "trop" aimer un homme, et à partir de ce moment là il commençait à être froid, dédaigneux envers moi. Et dès que je m'éloignais, ou à agir pareil, il se rendait compte qu'il me perdait donc les efforts d'attentions étaient de nouveau présent.

C'est fatiguant car j'ai l'impression qu'une femme doit toujours montrer qu'elle n'est pas acquise pour éviter ce genre de situation.

Donc trop aimer un homme est-il une erreur ? Avez-vous fait ce constat ?

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It is really cruel I always meet men with outstanding drama issue. My ex-husband was a fraud who embezzled people's money (including mine). My long term ex-boyfriend before him (both sexually and emotionally compatible with me even though we have different hobby) was too fragile when it was time to decide for our marriage plan.

My situationship was clear, he didnt want relationship, but still he longed for emotional connection that I just couldnt feel the ability to love him in that way. Just sex that works, nothing else. My last year boyfriend was ok on the outside. He groom himself good, recently divorced, but has some dysfunction in his genital.

My recent emotional supportive boyfriend is Asexual. He performs very good in bed, he just doesn't like it and despises it. He is sweet, always make time for me, understand my dark jokes, and he has smart mind. He loves me, but he is just not into anybody in that way. Nothing's wrong with that. But it is either I hurt him or he hurt me. I don't feel seen, and he thought he was an object and it scares him.

When we first had sex I didnt know it would hurt him so much, because the sex was plausible. He is very attractive and function really well. Then the second time we did it (which was prefect too), he was distance and didn't tell me why until I asked. I misunderstood him for low libido all this time. Because statistically meeting an asexual is rare, I couldnt think of him being one. I thought he was bored with me and already have someone else in mind. I can understand boredom, I am not mad. But finding the truth that he is Asexual somehow make me feel bad about myself, that I have forced him. I push him to fill my sexual desire because my body feels attracted to him so much. I am an awful person.

That makes me wonder, why couldn't I meet people with the same energy? As heterosexual woman, I think statistically I should've had bigger pool, bigger chance of finding single men with good profile and mutual romantic energy.

I am easygoing, I go out often, I do multisport. I meet people. My rule is simple, he has to be good profile and character, fit body (sex is a lot of cardio, someone who trains a lot tend to have lots energy in sex, he will perform well, or so I think), financially responsible (at least for himself), love sex a lot, and want to engage monogamously with me. I want someone who see me beautiful, think kinks about me, desire me sexually, enjoy sexual compliment about him too. Then we can build emotional engagement after. Somehow age different (much younger or older) or religion doesn't matter, not that I want to get married so soon. I don't think it is slutty, it is just my preference in sex rank no 1 in my life. I see sex can value 50% in relationship, the other is for beautiful mind with high intelligence, and the remaining is for the rest aspects.

If your spouse is looking up this category would you be offended/upset? I’m an overthinking. What more can I do to make them happy if they are in these groups? Is it a me problem?