r/monogamy

I’m 28 male my girlfriend is 27 female. We have been dating for 3 years. She has been talking about marriage recently. Just dropping hints like being up marriage topics, or see an older couple walking outside she starts gushing saying they have been married a long time. But she never really said that she wants to get married directly.
I am terrified of marriage. I’ve seen so many examples of where it doesn’t work. And when they divorce the wife basically bankrupting the man and seen the man struggling financially for years. Almost all the men at my work place have been divorced they all tell me the same thing don’t get married and seeing how their situation I am terrified they are basically broke years after their divorce. I understand that you can have prenups but prenups are breakable sometimes and are not completely fool proof.
The other thing I have seen is women just divorce for so many reasons I don’t even get it. Statistically women are the ones that initiate divorce 80 percent of the time.
I seen posts on this Reddit and from people I talk to in real life lack of intimacy, wants to open their relationship because they lost themselves being a wife and mother. She leaves because her husband has a health issue for example got ed now they sex life died so she wants to leave. Infidelity because someone is giving the wife attention after years of a boring marriage. Stuff like that.

Now I can be faithful and loyal my whole life with the same woman and never be married, I could give her the wedding ceremony vows and all, just don’t want the paper work.

I don’t see the value as a man to be married am I wrong.
Let me know your opinion would like to see your views.

I don’t know how to better say this. My partner 30M and I 32M are at what I would call an impasse after 5 years.

We are ethically non-monogamous (as in, bathhouse activities are approved while we are together). Not a huge issue. No jealousy or anything.

Following my partner moving a “conversation of interest” over to a private account outside of our agreement (Twitter), I am a bit upset.

I asked him to go to therapy due to a deeply personal paternal wound, and today, he came back with an expectation we seek therapy as well. Fine. I said all is well, and gave him the action item of finding someone to act as a mediator.

No huge issue. He asks, “are you alright with that,” and I said that I was, but only under the circumstance that they are not their current therapist and are not culturally queer (his therapist specializes in non-monotonous queer relationships).

Later, he brings up the agreement and I tell him flat out, “while I support you, I don’t think this is going to yield the outcome you expect.”

I then proceed to explain that I love him, but I don’t want to continue a back and forth predicated on me accepting their transgressions and an inability to realize that their mom, dad, sisters, etc. are not the end-all-be-all.

He was not happy about that, because he said, and I quote, “how can we move the relationship in the direction you want if you are constantly blaming me?” Referencing the fact I want marriage, but because I don’t give in, that isn’t going to happen.

I only could respond with a, “how does that happen, and what do you would expect to happen at the end of this?” with the only response being a large exhale, and him seeing himself to bed.

I get that what I said may have not been optimal, but after five years of me begging for the same result (him healing a deep family wound and us making progress), I would expect at least a smidgen of understanding.

We have an agreement that when our lease is up in 90 days, we will part ways if things are bad. However, I see progress, albeit not as substantial as I would have hoped after this long of a relationship (which, in the past, hinged on us moving to a city because his grandparents MAY move there (they didn’t) after me packing up my life to move from TX to GA for him).

While his family loves me, they are extremely… bitchy to say the least. Coming from a tribe of extremely chill and successful people, it makes it hard to accept the mediocrity in the name of poor familial values.

How would you handle this?

tl;dr partner and I can’t agree on healthy therapy and familial boundaries after five years.

22 years weve been monogamous.... And he tells me he doesn't want it anymore..... How do I react? My heart hurts I'm mad I'm jealous and I can't picture sharing him with anyone. What do I do??

I used to have a whole script ready. Whenever someone asked why I’m monogamous — or worse, implied I just hadn‘t “unpacked” something — I’d launch into this long defense. I’d talk about how I’ve tried poly. How I’ve read the books. How I’m not possessive, I’m not insecure, I’m not repressed.

And every time, I’d walk away feeling smaller. Like I’d just spent twenty minutes arguing for my own right to exist as I am.

Last month, something shifted. A friend of a friend asked the usual question. “Don’t you ever feel limited?” And I just… shrugged. “No. This works for me.”

That was it. The conversation moved on. No debate. No interrogation. Just two people accepting we want different things.

I realized that the more I explain, the more I signal that my choices are up for negotiation. That they need justification. They don‘t. Nobody asks poly people to write a thesis on why they’re poly. Nobody expects them to defend their orientation every time it comes up.

I’m not saying I’ll never have a longer conversation with someone who genuinely wants to understand. But I’m done arguing. I’m done treating my monogamy like a position I have to win people over to.

This community taught me that. Reading your posts, your vents, your recoveries — I saw people who’d been through the same exhausting cycle. And I saw them stop. Not because they stopped caring, but because they stopped needing permission.

If you’re still in the explaining phase, I get it. I was there for years. But you don’t owe anyone a defense. You just owe yourself the peace of not giving one.

I found this community a few months ago and I‘ve been reading your posts but never felt brave enough to write my own. Today I do.

I was with my ex for three years. From the beginning, I was clear: I’m monogamous. I want one person. I want to build a life with one person. He said he felt the same. He said he loved that about me. He said I was what he wanted.

Then, about a year in, things started shifting. Little comments at first. “Don‘t you ever wonder?” “I read this article about polyamory and it made me think.” I tried to brush it off. I told myself I was being insecure, possessive, un-evolved. All the words I’d absorbed from a culture that treats monogamy like a phase you‘re supposed to grow out of.

But it didn’t stop. It escalated. Every few months, another conversation. Another “just something to think about.” And every time I said no — calmly, clearly, firmly — he would get quiet. Not angry. Just quiet. Like I‘d disappointed him. Like my no was something he had to tolerate rather than respect.

The end came when he told me he’d been talking to someone else. “Just talking,” he said. “Nothing physical. But I feel like I need to be honest with you.” I asked if this was someone he wanted to sleep with. He said he didn‘t know. He said he was “figuring himself out.”

I left two weeks later.

The hardest part hasn’t been the breakup. The hardest part has been the voice in my head that keeps asking: Was I not enough? Was I not open-minded enough, flexible enough, evolved enough? Did I push him away by being too rigid?

And then I read something on this sub — someone wrote that “polybombing” is a real thing, that people in monogamous relationships get their entire relationship structure upended and are then told they’re the problem for struggling. And I just sat there and cried.

Because that’s exactly what happened. He didn‘t discover he was poly. He changed the terms of our relationship and then made me feel small for not wanting to renegotiate myself.

I’m not saying he‘s a bad person. I’m saying we wanted different things. And I spent three years trying to want what he wanted instead of trusting what I already knew about myself.

I’m writing this for anyone who’s in that place right now. The place where you’re being told your boundaries are a limitation. The place where you’re apologizing for wanting what you want. You don‘t have to. You’re not too much. You‘re just with someone who wants less than you’re willing to give. And that‘s not a flaw in you. That’s a mismatch. And you’re allowed to walk away from it.

I’ve been in therapy for a few months now. Mostly dealing with the aftermath of a relationship where I was essentially polybombed. My ex sat me down one day and announced he’d “discovered” he was poly. Not asking. Informing. And I spent the next year trying to be okay with it because I loved him and I didn’t want to be “controlling.”

Today my therapist asked me a simple question: “If your best friend told you her partner had done this to her, what would you tell her?”

And I just… broke down. Because the answer was obvious. I’d tell her she deserved better. I’d tell her that someone who loves you doesn’t restructure your entire relationship without your consent and then call you closed-minded when you struggle. I’d tell her that “I discovered I’m poly” after four years of monogamy is not a revelation. It’s a negotiation tactic.

But I couldn’t say that to myself. For years I’ve been carrying this quiet shame, like my desire for one person was somehow less evolved. Like I was the one who needed to “do the work.” Like my pain was the price of being a good, open-minded partner.

I’m not saying poly people are bad. I’m saying what happened to me was bad. And I’m allowed to say that without it being an attack on anyone’s identity.

I don’t know why I’m posting this. I guess I just needed to say it out loud somewhere. I spent so long apologizing for wanting what I want. I’m done with that.

Io l’ho scoperto perché aveva ancora la foto su google foto, da lì purtroppo ho iniziato a fare più domande e lui ha detto che è successo solo 1 volta di masturbarsi con lei e durante tutti questi anni è successo di rado di masturbarsi pensando ad altre sue “frequentazioni” che non si è riuscito a portare a letto. Aiutami per favore… io ci sto malissimo perché non so cosa pensare

I’ve been sitting on this for a while. Not sure how to say it without sounding bitter. But I think this community is the only place where people might actually get it.

I’m 32. I’ve had three serious relationships. All ended for different reasons. None ended because I wanted to sleep with other people.

What I keep running into now, in dating, in friend groups, even in therapy — is this quiet implication that monogamy is something you settle for. Like it‘s the “safe“ choice. The boring choice. The choice you make when you’re not brave enough to “expand.”

I‘ve tried the alternative. Years ago. I dated someone who was poly. I read the books. I went to the meetups. I did the “work.” And you know what I found? I wasn’t repressed. I wasn‘t possessive. I was just… monogamous. My brain doesn’t split romantic love. It doesn‘t want to. When I’m with someone, that‘s it. That’s the whole thing. That‘s not a limitation. That’s my capacity.

But the narrative I keep hearing is that monogamy is fear-based. That wanting exclusivity comes from insecurity. That if I were truly secure, I’d be fine with my partner sleeping with someone else.

No. Security isn‘t the absence of boundaries. Security is knowing what you want and being okay with walking away if you don’t get it.

I don‘t want to be “evolved.” I don’t want to be “enlightened.” I just want to come home to one person. To build one life. To be someone‘s one.

If that’s boring, fine. I‘ll take boring. Boring is warm. Boring is safe. Boring is the person who still texts you from the grocery store asking if you need anything.

I don’t know what I‘m looking for here. Maybe just to hear that I’m not the only one. That there are other people who feel this way and aren‘t ashamed.

I have had this consistent issue that I know I’m being excessive about. I apparently am a very narrow person when it comes to attraction, sexual attraction. I’m late 30’s now but even in my younger relationships, if I’m in love that switch turns off in my brain. I don’t remember having this much of an issue with my boyfriends not being like this. I never cared about porn use or them commenting on women. And I knew they flirted. But with my current partner it’s unbearable and I’ve gotten a bit obsessive.

He is clearly much more open sexually than me. He’s just very flirty and doesn’t even realize it. I mean honestly it’s probably partially what drew me in. But now I hate it lol. We’ve had conversations. He’s hesitant to be open now because of how hurt I’ve been. But in the very beginning he admitted he separates sex from emotion. He has said he could physically have sex with someone else but doesn’t mean he wants to. My brain cannot process this. The thought of touching, kissing, actual sex with someone else makes me physically nauseous. I cannot imagine entering that space with anyone else. I can objectively say someone is beautiful but I can’t even use the word attractive. It’s like I have no basis for that. I’ll say, even single, actual sexually motivated attraction is rare for me. I’m probably demi or something. Weird thing is I’m actually kind of hyper sexual and have had a higher drive than everyone I’ve been with, including him. It’s just that I lock onto my person.

I am aware that logically, most people are not like me. But I can’t seem to accept it. And I have thought, maybe I need to just be with someone like me, but let’s be honest the chance of finding that is rare. The thought is extremely comforting to me. I would love to relax into someone who sees the world as I do. Because I’m driving myself crazy.

I’ve had so many people tell me that it’s more meaningful, because he chooses not to do that and with me it’s effortless. But the way my brain works it’s the opposite. It’s both-if I were really his person it wouldn’t have to be a choice. I would fill all those boxes for him like he does me. Sometimes I wonder if his wiring is the “norm” because really there’s just a whole lot of people in unhappy relationships and/or who have something in their past. And also-I kind of feel like some of his stuff comes from his own wounds. Early on he had a lot of fantasies involving other people. I engaged with them, I shouldn’t have but I think I thought I had to so his fantasies wouldn’t grow. Yea I know it’s screwed up and it messed me up and we’ve had a lot of talks about it. His ex wife had an affair, although they did this fantasy stuff and were talking about ENM before that (he initiated). And I did kind of wonder if it was related. They also were together 20 years, so different situation. But now I worry I’m making him suppress himself.

I mean really. In this situation, one of us is making ourselves small right?

My question is, how do I accept this? In every other way our relationship is excellent. I’ve held on so long because I don’t want to throw it away over what I know is me being rigid. But I push these thoughts away and they rev up. I see men objectifying women on the internet and it all comes back up, wondering if he’s doing that. I asked a stupid question once, if he ever fantasizes about others when he’s with me, and he said yes and I asked who and it was this gorgeous girl he had been with right before me who rejected him ultimately. I almost broke up with him after that because I couldn’t sleep with him without wondering if he was thinking about her. He ended up walking that back and saying he thought I meant like for mastubration and he said it was only in the beginning. But I know what I asked, there was no way to misconstrue that. I told him I’d believe what he’s telling me but if that really were true it’s something I couldn’t cope with.

I guess trust is also a bit shaky. I’m extremely honest. I overshare. He is both less aware of his thoughts and feelings and much less verbal. He’s also terribly afraid of hurting me. So these open conversations we used to have don’t happen as easily. I don’t like that. I’ve told him multiple times, especially at first, how important being honest was from the start because that’s when we have the most choice to be in the relationship.

He eventually admitted to flirting for validation with bartenders and such. He ended up going to his neighborhood bar much less after that. But that wasn’t a good conversation. Only time he actually really hurt my feelings. Just kind of freaked out and was like “what do you want me to do make out with you in front of people? Quit my job so I’m always with you?”. I stopped bringing stuff up after this. He apologized of course but I felt like I was driving him crazy. I had just told him I wish he didn’t do that.

Idk. I’m just kind of tired.

Don't get me wrong, there are "monogamous" people who feel entitled to a romantic relationship, and are thus unappreciative of their partner, do not genuinely want a monogamous bond with them, and care more to use their partner as an object of desire and means of following "the life script" rather than a life partner. People who prevent their partner from having friends, from bettering themselves, from having a career or hobbies. As someone who was formerly involved in these spaces, poly people often come from these broken monogamous relationships that lacked genuine reciprocity and love. And I feel for those people.

And, hell, I believe people should be able to live the lives they want as long as they don't hurt anyone in the process. A bit like certain kinks, what you do in your bedroom with your partners and only those others who have consented, that is none of my business. But these people will also claim that they have a greater capacity for love, that they "have so much love to give," that their love is "limitless." There are books full of opinionated bullshit dressed up as "the truth they never told you" (looking at you, Sex at Dawn). But it's genuinely the biggest lie they tell.

The argument that you can love more than one partner because you can love more than one child? Children are dependent on you for survival. They do not choose you nor do you choose them. This is a fundamentally different stakes than that of a romantic partnership. And the thing is... a child who has zero siblings does report feeling greater closeness to their parents than children with siblings. Because, who'dve thought... turns out! humans, especially young ones, struggle to feel closeness when they are rivaled for your time and attention!

The argument that monogamy is a post-agricultural invention? It's literally, once again, fucking projection. Even though they were often tolerant of the lifestyle, our nomadic hunter-gatherer ancestors actually were monogamous at higher rates than modern Western civilization. The age of agriculture brought about the legitimization of the accumulation of wealth and social disparity, you know, the exact criteria that exists in promiscuous animals? Don't even get me started on the "naturalness" argument...

When you have only one partner (whom you actually, deeply love), and they only have you, you are forging a bond with them that is not only words and emotion. Because even if love is limitless, time is very much not. And, ultimately, love is more than an emotion. It's your actions, your mindset. You can indeed say that you "love" 5 individuals equally, but is that really the truth, when you spend only 20% of your romantic energy on them? Instead of giving them your love and affection every evening, you give it once or twice a week, or maybe you give your divided "attention" while you're texting your others, or maybe you set specific day limits for each. Really, genuinely, it isn't about needing an outlet for "all your love." It's a fucking excuse to seek novelty using human emotions and bodies, and calling it freedom (to fuck around, to think about others guilt-free, to avoid getting "too close"). It's genuinely a preference for variety.

Monogamy, however, is concerning the depth that you go together. The closeness of attachment. The density of experiences you have together. Through monogamy, I get(!) to come home to my wife every day. To dedicate certain days to helping her during the weeks that she's strung thin, and vice versa. To think about her when I think of love. To spend time thinking about dates to take her on, new ways to impress her. If I'm going to cut that time in half, into thirds, into fourths... it's not really romantic love. At least, not devoted love. Not deep love.

Their claim of "limitless love" makes zero sense, mathematically, neurologically. They are either manipulating others, or lying to themselves, when they say this. Genuinely, I would have no problem with our differences if they would not pretend that what they are practicing is a "greater" love or a more evolved love. For polyamory to work, you literally either need to be traumatized, have certain genetic mutations, or you need to put yourself through extensive self-gaslighting and suppression to "correct" your urge to feel jealousy.

Again, people should live how they want to live. That's not my issue. Just wish they would stop making these claims that what they have is "more love" when it is merely a tradeoff for less "love-density" per partner for more variety.

I was with someone for two years. About six months in, he started bringing up polyamory. Not as a hard request at first — just little comments. “I think I might be poly.” “I don’t know if I can do exclusivity forever.” “It’s not that I don’t love you, it’s just that I have so much love to give.”

I loved him. So I listened. I read the books he recommended. I listened to podcasts. I tried to “unpack” my jealousy, my insecurity, my possessiveness. Because that’s what he called it. Every time I struggled, he’d say, gently, like he was helping me: “You’re being a little possessive, don’t you think?”

And I believed him. I spent months feeling like I was the problem. Like my desire for monogamy was a flaw I needed to fix. Like if I were more “evolved,” I’d be fine with him sleeping with other people.

We broke up eventually. For other reasons, supposedly. But looking back, I think the relationship was already dead the moment I started apologizing for what I wanted.

A few weeks ago, I came across an article about “polybombing” — when a partner in a monogamous relationship announces they’re poly and expects the other person to just accept it. And I sat there reading it, and I started crying. Not because I was sad. Because I finally had a word for it.

He didn’t discover himself. He didn’t “come out.” He changed the terms of our relationship and then made me feel like the closed-minded one when I couldn’t keep up.

I’m not saying everyone who comes out as poly mid-relationship is doing something malicious. But I am saying that my monogamy wasn’t a flaw. It was a boundary. And I was allowed to have it.

I wish someone had told me that two years ago. So I’m telling you now, if you’re in that place: you’re not possessive. You’re not insecure. You’re not behind. You just want what you want. And that’s enough.

I was in a relationship for three years that just recently ended. He told me near the beginning that he viewed fantasizing about others to be cheating, and we agreed to not watch porn or fantasize about other people. I felt amazing honestly. I’m easily jealous and when i’m in a relationship, i’m basically only interested in that person and I don’t even like thinking about other people. Now that it’s over, I’m scared I’m never gonna find another guy like that. Am I cooked?