r/monogamy

I'm a gay man and I've often been dismissed by dates or ex partners that STIs are not a big deal. It is a big deal to me though! It's not a moral punishment or anything, it's just an infection like any other, but I also want to avoid them at all cost. Just another reason why monogamy is important to me, this is something I simply do not want to constantly have in the back of my mind.

Interested to hear your thoughts!

But again, I want to encourage people to not make a moral issue out of this medical one. Diseases, infections, etc. are not a punishment nor do they disciminate between good and bad people!

Pair bonding and romantic love wouldn’t have possibly existed if everybody had multiple partners at the same time in the past, the whole idea of monogamy and love that we have today would be non existent. The situation of women in the prehistorical ages was similar to the situation of escorts today. They simply slept with guys of the tribe to ensure that their offspring is protected.

And I don’t say that as a bad way, I simply say that it’s a defense mechanism, sadly, during most of prehistorical ages women didn’t have a say in who they slept with, which is why attachment would have been a flaw in evolution.

During most of human history the world was pretty violent. Survival chances were low and wars were common. Sadly, women probably didn’t have any power to choose their own destiny in most cultures, they just got taken by the guy that could eliminate the other prospects or make a deal with her father.

If the man died (which was common) women had to often find a new provider and if they attached they would have a biological disadvantage. Romantic love as we see it today is a modern construct.

You guys have to realize there was no justice while Homo sapiens were ongoing the evolution we see today. Imagine all the creeps we see today but with zero boundaries, women had to keep a psychological edge over guys.

Argue all you want but there seems to be no counter argument to my thesis purely from a psychological perspective

I'm (50sM), she's (45sF). Together two and a half years. She's moving into my place soon and we're planning to get married. Here are the facts I'm sitting with.

The deception and non-monogamy:

• I need a monogamous relationship to feel safe. I have ADHD and it includes rejection sensitivity issues. I just found active dating profiles from FetLife and Alt with activity about a year and a half ago, months after we'd made an explicit exclusive commitment. I saw from her messages that she had a guy come into her apartment (that I had a key to) the same day that I fuc*ed the shit out of her in the am.
• When confronted, she said she'd "done nothing wrong" because we weren't really committed yet. We were. I was actively divorcing my wife to be with her. She had just completed her divorce a month or so prior to this.
• I knew she was slutty, so I demaned an STI test. She lied about getting an STI test. I contracted herpes from her.
• A few weeks ago, drunk, she disclosed that she cheated on both previous husbands — repeatedly, with enough men she can't remember them all. She called herself "the wife that cheats." Her stated reason: not getting the sex she needed at home. She has never, by her own admission, been monogamous in any committed relationship.

The bisexual boundary:

• She's bisexual with a strong attraction to women. Her position was that sexual contact with women shouldn't affect me the same way as contact with men (regarding our monogamy agreement). I have very few limits sexually, other than monogamy. I will do pretty much anything with my partner to please them.
• Her best friend is very slutty, and she made her cum in a shared bed when they went on a trip with their kids. I told her it made me uncomfortable, but she then had full sex in her apartment in the bed I sleep in with her. I stated a clear boundary about this friend in writing in our chats. One month later she slept with her a second time. Apologized. Promised never again.
• Just recently, she tried to initiate something sexual in front of this friend at my place and got angry when I stopped it. The same friend also brings boyfriends to her apartment during happy hour and then slips into another room to have sex with the guy while my fiancee is there. We were on the phone together one night when it was happening. She also sits with her friend and I and looks at videos of her friend fucking other men. They scroll through dick pics of these guys in front of me. I told her it makes me uncomfortable, but it seems to always continue when she is drunk.
• She still can't keep her eyes off of slutty looking women when she's drunk.

What I'm working with:

She drinks every night and has had an addiction to various pharmaceuticals for maybe 15 years. When alcohol combines with stimulants, her impulsivity and boundary problems get significantly worse. Most of these incidents happened after she's drinking.

I love her. The connection is real. She knows she has issues, really wants to address her alcoholism, and is eager for couple's therapy. I'm not looking for permission to leave — I'm not leaving. I'm looking for anyone who's been on either side of this: can someone with a lifelong pattern of non-monogamy actually become monogamous? What made the difference?

Hi Everyone,

I recently went through a big breakup, and I've been getting back on dating apps. I wanted to share a weird feeling I'm having, because I don't know how to classify it and I'd like some thoughts and/or validation.

For context: 26YO Non-Binary AMAB, mostly attracted to women or twinky feminine men. My relationships are monogamous, but I'm totally okay with casual things. If I'm seeing someone, and we haven't made anything official, I totally do not care if they are casually dating around outside of me. Just as long as someone is clean and communicates, that casual thing has never bothered me, and I would hope it wouldn't bother the other person too. I'm super secure in this regard. Once we make it official, though, I would expect both of us to stop seeing other people. Monogamy.

However, ever since getting back on dating apps, I've been seeing so many "poly & partnered" or "poly & dating solo". I feel like seeing someone who is poly would probably have a similar outcome to classic casual dating - going on dates, hooking up, not developing strong emotional attachments, and having fun, which is literally my goal. But, for some reason, people putting that label on it immediately turns me off. It's an immediate and visceral reaction, and again, I'm not even going for a committed monogamous relationship right now.

I've never really had a *bad* experience with a poly person - I've never dated one, and while I know a few people who are poly, it's never really bothered me that they do that. Only one of them really bothers me and he pulled some really messed up shit on one of his partners, but fundamentally I'm not weirded out by the poly relationship style.

I am just genuinely confused as to why I am finding myself automatically uninterested in poly people, despite that it would probably widen my options and result in what I'm going for right now. I would appreciate any thoughts on these feelings, or explain why I am having such an immediate disinterest and ick reaction. I don't really know anyone who is in this weird limbo phase, where I'm secure enough to want casual non-committed flings, but I don't consider myself poly in the slightest and am actively freaked out by something I don't really care much about.

Thanks!!!

I don’t understand, it’s like your entitled to having multiple relationships simultaneously…. Why do you think this is ok?! it’s a toxic cycle and I’m sure it’s like that with every single person that you’re dealing with. I need a support group at this point, I feel like a victim we’re in the twilight zone!!!! I HATE IT HERE!!!

I just want a relationship with a queer soft boy like me or tgirl but it feels completely hopeless. Getting older too. Im too stubborn and jealous to share... God Im so alone

I need advice. First of all, I want to clarify that this isn't a criticism of casual dating or anything like that. Basically, I'm inexperienced in relationships. I have a very hard time with casual encounters, which makes my life much more difficult. I know that conversation and flirting are essential, but I have a lot of difficulty adapting to the dating culture. I don't know how it is in the US and other countries, but here in my country it's very common for people to have many contacts, going out with more than one person at the same time (not on the same day, but having dates with these people and then making dates with others, etc.). I'm even posting here in this sub because I have a feeling that people will be more understanding than if I posted in a relationship sub in my country 🫠. I've already talked about this with friends and they don't understand; for them it's easier and more natural. In my case, I simply can't stay interested. I wanted advice on this and to hear stories from people who have gone through something similar.

First time poster here! I'm sorry for the long post but I just want some advice (and to vent!) I'm a trans man (32) and recently started dating another trans man (30). I'm quite far into my transition but he just started a year or so ago (this will become relevant). We met on Hinge and I had stated in my bio that I am monogamous and "figure out my relationship type" (or whatever it says in english idk) with the explanation that I'm both looking for relationships and friends. His only said "figure out my relationship type" and I didn't really think anything of it when we matched. We live in different cities (about 1,5 hours from each other) but I'm from his city and visit quite frequently, so the distance isn't really much of a problem for me.

We really hit it off and on our second date I went home with him, we had sex and I stayed the night. This is not something I've ever done before or ever thought I could do. After that I started catching feelings for him. I don't easily fall in love with people and I honestly thought I was unable to feel like this for another person again. So we met again for a third date the other day, and we were just hanging out at his place all evening, chilling, talking, had sex (thrice!), and cuddled a lot. I thought things were going great, but at the end of the evening he asked me what I wanted from a relationship and I said I was monogamous. I asked if that would be a problem for him and he seemed a bit unsure. He said he was still figuring things out, and wasn't sure if he wanted to be mono or poly, but that he was able to be in love with multiple people at the same time. He had never been in a polyamorous relationship, but said that he was RA, meaning he didn't value romantic relationships above others. Which is like, fine? I value friendships highly as well. But he said it's good to have different people for different things and not burden one person with everything, to which my thought was: well, that's what I have friends for. I don't need to get romantically involved with every person I like.

I got very hurt that he hadn't been upfront with this from the start, and he apologised profusely for not telling me, and was genuinely sorry for it and for leading me on. He said he hadn't really had much experience with dating since starting his transition and was now trying to speedrun everything, dating a lot and trying to figure things out.

I really really like him and he really likes me too, and before I left we were both sobbing in his hallway. Since then I've only talked to him briefly to pick up some things I forgot at his place, and he looked just as heartbroken as I was.

Now I'm torn about what to do. The emotional part of me just wants to talk to him again and ask him if he really wants me and what kind of relationship he would like and see if we can figure something out. The logical part of me says it's not worth it and that I will just get more hurt if I keep seeing him. But it's also really really hard to find other queer people to date, especially as I prefer dating other trans men.

I have a feeling I know what you're going to say, just move on and find someone else, but it's not easy. Maybe this is more of a vent post than an advice post idk...

Hi All,

Recently I met my current girlfriend early last year. everything was going well throughout, and I actually saw a potential future. We were planning to get married and settle down.

Only recently of this year, whereby I noticed less attention from her. Less update about her life, less text and everything just felt stale.

We had this conversation about this. Initially, it was established that I was not her ideal type financially and ambitious, and it was agreed that we work harder to have a comfortable life. She proposed to have an open relationship to explore further before settling down.

We had another conversation a month in. This time she mentioned she was actually being chased by another guy awhile back already, went for drinks occasionally but assured there was no intimacy.

The reason she is telling me this now, was because she wants to progress with him more intimately (FWB) and don’t want to go behind my back cheating and feeling guilty.

To be fair, i did told her that I am open to the idea of open relationship, but only if she update me the process.

Now that she told me, I feel that I am losing my ownself and personal values if I attempt to stay together while being in an open relationship.

While I appreciate the honesty, and I think i might have felt better if she tell me she is looking to explore and start exploring together. But she is already seeing someone before, and telling me this now. So idk, kinda feels sucky.

I don’t want to dive into details on the thing, but basically she feels that there are somethings I cannot offer her and she wants to seek it elsewhere.

To be fair, we met on a FWB dating platform. She mentioned that it was very lucky that we managed to progress into a relationship. Foolish me thinking that there could be a chance this might work out together.

Just looking for some honest thoughts. Somehow Reddit users give the best advice

EDIT: To all that replied, I truly value your inputs. It has really helped me see the bigger picture during this tough time. I ended this amicably, wished her the best and stopped contact. I think is for the best for both.

It's the specialized vocabulary that's basically a form of 'control language.' Cults develop specialized vocabulary in order to groom members to accept boundary violations / abuse. Notice how many polyamorists use a lot of pseudo-psych terms that feel like something out of Scientology or NXVM? This isn't an accident. It's an attempt to redefine ordinary concepts and words to change the meaning and control thought and behavior through language.

Compersion, kitchen-table, unicorn, relationship anarchy, solo poly, metamor, nesting partner, secondary, comet, etc are part of a new vocabulary that creates an insider framework by redefining concepts that already exist. It takes ordinary relationship concepts and rebrands them in ways that make the framework seem more sophisticated and coherent than it is. The more elaborate the vocabulary, the more official and 'scientific' it seems. (For instance, nesting partner probably refers to someone's spouse or serious relationship and secondary is more akin to a mistress.)

Why this is troubling is that by redefining relationship styles and situations that humans have practiced for years, it makes a situation that one might not want to accept now seem safe. For instance, it's a hard and heartbreaking lo be a mistress to someone who is married with a family that you will never have with them, but now you're not a mistress... you're a secondary partner. And although the situation might be the same, it's now seen framed as positive even if you're still settling for less.

Relationships get redefined so you are trained to expect less. "Get off the relationship esclator,' "Only seeing someone once a month doesn't mean it's not serious." "A partner could be anyone. Even someone you see once a year." "I know he takes her on trips and only wants to see you a couple of times a month, but that doesn't mean he's into you less. He's just bad at being poly."

Redefining emotions makes it seem like only insiders share the same experience. If you're poly you are supposed to be able to feel emotions that other humans can't like compersion or frubble. But in fact, compersion just means feeling happy for someone else. Frubble means having warm feeling for a meta. You can't just say 'I like them' or 'I'm happy for them.' because they wouldn't be special and exclusive to the in-group.

Boundaries get redefined so you are shamed for asserting them. When someone expresses discomfort, the language is ready: "that's your jealousy talking," "you need to work on your attachment style," "that's a scarcity mindset." Legitimate concern gets reframed as personal flaws or failings. These are called thought-terminating clichés, phrases that shut down critical thinking the moment doubt arises like "that's your ego talking." "Trust the process." "The outside world doesn't understand." "Don't let anyone else judge your relationships." "You must trust we have the best intentions," "That's just a hetero normative view of relationships." "You're a bigot if you don't let me sleep with other people." "If you don't let me see other people, I see that as a form of abusive control."

Basically, they frame crossing your boundaries and abusing you as a form of self-development or growth. If you don't like it, you're just not as evolved, not doing the work or are being controlling. And it can get really dark when they accuse you of abusing them when you beg them not to abuse or hurt you.

This is a cult-mentality. It's how Keith Reneire got intelligent, educated women who initially just signed up for an executive success program to allow his initials to be branded into their flesh. It was sold as self-development.

I think for most of us, it's the current cult-like mentality that's overtaken polyamory that gives us the icks.

It's not the sexual exploration, sexual hedonism or genuinely trying to figure out what to do if we find ourselves in a sincere love triangle.

It's the weird cult stuff that pretends pair-bonding isn't real and abuse is okay as long as you get consent to abuse someone.

Oh, and the other reason it gives you the icks: Too many Rennies (grown middle-aged adults who work at Red Faire). LOL

I read How to Kill a Rockstar by Tiffanie DeBartolo because of the hype and after coming across quotes from the book. I expected a story about deep, passionate love. In the book, the heroine talks about her conflict between loyalty and her love of hookups and casual sex. She falls in love with the ML but there’s another very handsome man in the story, and somehow she ends up sleeping with him as well. I always thought exclusivity, and the loyalty that comes with it, was a part of passionate love.

There’s also the popular series Clockwork Angel, which I haven’t read and don’t plan to. Apparently, the FL falls in love with two men. She ends up with both somehow. I find it unfair. These LT stories are not even tragic anymore, because it's obvious it's greed on the author's part.

Sometimes, as in How to Kill a Rockstar, the ML has “revenge sex” with other women, and the author makes sure the reader knows he is nowhere near as attracted to them as he is to the FL. It feels as though the story is mostly about stroking the FL's ego. It felt like the FL got to fulfill her desires with the second lead she truly desired, while the ML was heartbroken. Technically, it may not count as cheating because of the plot twist, but it still feels emotionally dishonest to me. Apparently, DeBartolo’s newer book, Sorrow, features the FL in an open relationship, which honestly makes me not want to read it.

The worst LT I read is a Japanese manga called Vampire Knight. FL ends up with both monogamous men in heaven because being with both of them wasn’t possible on earth. Then there’s this manga Domestic Girlfriend, where one woman gives birth to the ML’s child but the wedding is with another woman. At this point, I feel like whenever there’s a LT Japanese manga, you almost have to expect that the main character is going to sleep with both people. It makes me feel like it’s better to avoid love triangles altogether, because older stories used to focus on who the central character would ultimately choose. Now, it often feels like the story is heading into a “both are important” direction, and if it doesn’t, the protagonist will at least f them both before going back to the main chosen love interest.

I don’t like stories like Twilight either. Bella kisses Jacob and Edward doesn't even break up with her. I don’t care if people say she was manipulated, she was biting her lip and aware of what she was doing. She shouldn’t have kissed him. And I dislike comments saying she could have been happy with her other love Jacob too I mean I'm fine with her moving on and trying to be happy but not in the sense that Edward is replaceable while in the same story Edward waited 100 years for her? I don't like the one sidedness and the double standards and hypocrisy.

If she can be equally happy with Jacob, then what’s the point? Why even write fantasy romance? At that point, it starts drifting too much into reality. In real life, yes, people can move on after breakups and find happiness with someone else if they open their hearts to love again. That’s not exactly rocket science. But I always wanted fantasy romance to be about two people who feel irreplaceable to each other. I’ve read that, in love triangles, readers often self-insert into the central character. For example, many women empathize with the heroine’s confusion between two men, while in male-centered love triangles, male readers may empathize with the hero instead. Personally, though, I don’t think I self-insert into characters. What bothers me is how the person in the middle often gets involved with both people while the other two remain loyal.

First of all, a little premise: I often see people asking for happy posts in this subreddit, and to those of you looking for that… I completely understand you, honestly. I’m pretty paranoid, and there are times when I struggle to recover from certain paranoid thoughts regarding relationships (even though I’m not dealing with any problems right now), but love stories always help me relax. So today, I’ll tell you about my relationship!

She is truly something unique to me. We both often feel “mentally fused,” and we describe it as telepathy. Every time it happens, we burst out laughing and look at each other as if to say, “Yeees, that’s exactly what I mean.” It feels like we’re best friends too (which, in fact, we are hahaha). We found each other again after a couple of years, and we always joke about it.

We have so many inside jokes in our relationship, and they come naturally all the time. It makes us feel even happier and more connected. Of course, we also have our bad moments — our “arguments,” which only last for the first two seconds before they immediately turn into trying to understand how to solve the issue and what is hurting either of us individually or the relationship itself. Honestly, we don’t even really compromise, because once we understand each other’s point of view and the situation, we naturally feel at ease and adjust our behavior or the way we say things.

She’s beautiful. Honestly, I don’t really care much about appearance in general — I rarely find beauty meaningful beyond a simplistic “other people think they’re beautiful, so I’ll say the same.” That’s why the beauty I see in her feels special to me. I love the mole under her eye, and I even love that she told me the meaning behind it. I love her nose too. I’d describe it as perfect — not because it’s some stereotypical “French nose” or anything like that, but because it’s simply made for her. It suits her perfectly.

Then there’s her gaze, which is definitely the thing I notice the most. What stands out the most is the way she looks at me, but it’s also beautiful to watch her eyes explore the world in every situation. It doesn’t matter whether she looks nostalgic, angry, or sad… of course I care about how she feels, but I love thinking about how she has a different look for everything in the world.

I also love her lips. They have such a beautiful color, and she takes great care of them. Their shape is so adorable that it makes me want to “eat her up,” you know? Like that feeling where something is so cute it creates a sort of affectionate aggression.

I also love her teeth, even though she calls them her “beaver teeth.” I actually get upset whenever she says that because some people used to insult her with it, and some still do. But honestly, there’s nothing wrong with it at all. In fact, it makes me happy to look at her when she’s relaxed and see her teeth peeking out.

I love that she has a passion too. She’s a writer and dreams of becoming one, but honestly, after knowing the introduction, some parts of the story, and — hold on tight — being the only person who knows the ending, I think she’s already more than an established writer!

I also love listening to music with her. We have similar tastes, and with her I can even enjoy rap (both Italian and international). We joke around about the themes in some songs and act like fake gangsters together — it’s genuinely hilarious AHAHAH. You should see the “street moves” she pulls out sometimes.

We also share practically the same values. I trust her deeply, and she trusts me too. I love how she’s always interested in every aspect of my life, and how we always try to check in with each other, even with something as simple as “How are you?” or “Have you eaten?” From there, so many conversations are born. Not always, of course, but even having that little routine with her feels special.

We even merged our career dreams together. I want to open a neko café, and she wants to open a library/café, so together we decided to combine the two ideas.

She’s also incredibly creative with gifts. Honestly, I sometimes feel inadequate compared to the gifts she gives me. She hand-sewed a plushie for me because I struggle to sleep without holding something against my chest, and we can’t always sleep together. I named it after my very first plushie, “Cucca,” which came from the name “Luca,” because I couldn’t pronounce it properly as a child.

As for me, one time I gave her two tickets to see a singer she really loves. I also enjoy bringing her roses or flowers I find in the woods near my house.
We both want two children someday: first a daughter, then a son. Josephine and Aiden — the second name was chosen by me, inspired by Inazuma Eleven hahaha.

I don’t know what the future has in store for us, but truly, I want to love her for the rest of my life. I’ll be more than happy to keep loving her and to fall in love with her over and over again throughout our lives.

from subreddits dedicated to cheating on partners to people bragging about making connections and cheating/almost cheating on their partners.

plus married/taken people on dating or hook up apps with no remorse for what they’re doing.

kinda makes me happy that I’m single despite really wanting to find somebody.

Objectifying people down to their sexual utility ain't cool.

I want to approach this topic respectfully and in good faith. I understand polygamy exists within Islamic tradition and historical contexts, and I am not trying to insult the religion or attack people personally. But I do think some modern conversations around polygamy lack enough discussion about emotional responsibility, self discipline, and consideration toward one’s wife.

Personally, I believe a husband should first ask himself why he feels the need for another woman in the first place. If temporary sexual frustration, periods without intimacy, or unmet desires quickly lead someone to seek another partner, then I think there needs to be deeper reflection about how intimacy and marriage are being viewed.

To me, marriage is not supposed to revolve entirely around sexual fulfillment. Real intimacy is emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical connection with someone you deeply love and value. A wife is not simply an outlet for urges, and I think reducing marriage mainly to physical needs weakens the depth of what the relationship is supposed to be.

I also think many women feel deeply hurt by the idea that they can suddenly become “not enough” the moment difficulties, limitations, or changes happen within the relationship. Even if polygamy is permissible, I still believe a husband should seriously reflect on how emotionally painful that can feel for his wife before prioritizing his own desires.

For me personally, if one day my husband could no longer have sex with me, I would still deeply value him, our companionship, our emotional bond, our affection, our loyalty, and the life we built together. I do not believe the absence of sex should suddenly make a loving relationship feel incomplete or disposable.

I think men should strive for emotional maturity, patience, loyalty, discipline, and empathy rather than immediately looking elsewhere whenever physical dissatisfaction appears. Because when intimacy becomes too centered around gratification alone, people can start viewing partners as replaceable rather than deeply cherished human beings.

At the end of the day, I personally feel relationships are strongest when both people feel fully chosen, emotionally secure, deeply valued, and committed to each other without constantly introducing the possibility of someone else entering that emotional space. I understand others may disagree, but I believe these conversations should focus far more on emotional responsibility and the wellbeing of wives, not only on what is technically permissible.

And personally, I think there is also an important difference between something being permissible and something being necessary or beneficial for a relationship. Just because someone can do something does not automatically mean they should. If a man truly cherishes, values, respects, and feels deeply fulfilled with his wife as a life partner, then I believe his focus should naturally remain on nurturing and protecting that bond rather than entertaining the idea of another woman. To me, genuine love and loyalty should make a person want to prioritize their spouse emotionally, not constantly leave room for replacement or comparison.

And honestly, when I posted this in another community, it became obvious how some people were more focused on defending whether polygamy is permissible rather than discussing the emotional and ethical side of it, which was the entire point of my post. They constantly talk about honoring and respecting women, yet completely ignore compassion, empathy, and the emotional impact on a wife. Nobody said men are required to marry more than one woman, not even God. Compassion and consideration toward your spouse are emphasized far more, yet some people approach it with a mindset of, “It’s my right, so your feelings do not matter.” To me, that completely misses the point of marriage and emotional responsibility.

I never said polygamy itself is evil or forbidden. My point is that, in today’s context, there often is no real necessity for it, and people should at least think about their wife as an individual with emotions, attachment, and vulnerability before treating it so casually. What shocked me most was how some people were more offended by my opinion than interested in understanding why many women would feel hurt or emotionally unsafe by it. Asking people to have empathy for their spouse should not be considered a controversial take but alas it went off topic and none of the men there ever tackled the subject of the post but just defended what their rights is. smh... hard to have a productive conversation when they're defending their points without even acknowledging the topic lol

Hi everyone,

I started this subreddit because I noticed there was a lack of community for people who intentionally choose monogamy. The discourse of many monogamists around different relationship structures often felt limiting and biased. But I also felt out of place in spaces where less traditional relationship dynamics dominated and monogamy is often seen as restrictive or unenlightened. I wanted a space where people could discuss, vent, and seek advice without fear of judgment for "failing" at non-monogamy, but also where we could approach exploring the differences between these relationship structures in a fair and informed way, without putting anyone down for how they choose to love.

If you do not know what conscious monogamy is, here is the definition from the subreddit description:

Conscious monogamy (also known as intentional monogamy) is a relationship dynamic where two partners practice monogamy not by default, coercion, or societal expectations, but through individual choice. It is based in values of personal growth, autonomy, and adaptability. Conscious monogamists recognize that no one relationship structure is inherently better than another — what matters is the consent, safety, and fulfillment of each partner.

I will also be updating our community wiki with some resources for those who'd like to learn more. I am open to feedback on the above definition, and please share any resources you've come across that you think would be helpful for others! Additionally, if you would like to be added as a mod, please get in touch.

Feel free to introduce yourself in a post or in the comments below. I'd love to hear about how you came across conscious monogamy, and I'll probably share my story in the coming days too, once I get this subreddit all set up!

Cheers,

seatangle

As in if you are in the gym/ out and about is it normal to look at someone and think they are hot? Do you consider this a betrayal?

Hello everyone! I have created a subreddit for the monogamous gays out there to have a space for discussion, to meet, and chat! I know it can feel hard to find other monogamous gays these days, so I hope those of you that are into monogamy will join. <3

WARNING: This post does talk about non monogamous topics and is not meant to offend, trigger, or upset anyone. I am posting here and other subreddits to get a wide range of different view points and opinions on this topic help me best approach this.

We (32M & 43F) have been together for 9 years and married for 6+. We have been monogamous the entire relationship. We do not have kids and do not plan to have or want kids. We have an active sex life with a normal week having 2-4 encounters.

To start, my wife is amazing! She treats me like a king while still being a strong independent woman. Our marriage is one that people literally tell us that they wish they had. We support each other personally, professionally, mentally, and emotionally. Like all couples we have tiffs here and there but we communicate what our feelings and view points are. We will relax and realign very quickly, usually right then and sometimes a few hours later.

While we were dating and ever since I have been very open about my desires of threesomes, wanting to experience new things and people (edited for a better portrayal of what I initially meant), trying different kinks/toys, etc. I thought these desires would pass or were fun fantasies in my head but in the past two or less years these desires have only amplified. My wife on the other hand is not as “freaky,” as she calls it, as I am.

For roughly 4-5 years now I have felt off about our sex life. At first I thought it was something wrong with me as she was and still is beautiful and amazing in every way! Since this started I have shared my thoughts and feelings about it on how I viewed it at the time of each of these conversations. About a year or so ago I came to the realization that it was that we don’t “click” sexually except for very rarely, maybe a couple times a year. What I mean by that is I feel like both her and I are going through the motions during sex and are not there for the experience. I feel that I am just there when she wants to finish and that she is just there when I want to finish. This has been very difficult for me as I’ve always been the type that likes to make the person I’m with finish, almost like a game of who can last longer. My wife finishes in one way and one way only, which has nothing to do with my performance. Trust me I’ve tried! There is nothing wrong with that but it does go directly against what my goal is during sex. I view sexual encounters similar to my body is her playground that I want her to explore/play with and hers is mine, obviously with consent of whatever actions are happening from the other person.

About 3 years ago we were talking a lot about how we both were fantasizing about having a third. At one point, around this time, she made out with another guy, who was open about his swinging and a friend of mine, when we all went out bar hopping. I did have a negative reaction to it as I honestly never thought she would have actually done something with another guy as she has always told me she would rather do something with a girl. Since this happened we have had many conversations about possibly bringing a third into the equation. At one point we even joining some apps for a short period, but nothing has ever happened. She seems to go back and forth on the idea. In the past six months she has had multiple occasions where she will openly talk about wanting to be with a girl or how it would be ok if I was with another girl, usually when she is very intoxicated and even a couple of times when she’s been sober. During this time there have been a few times when she’s been out drinking with friends or co-workers she has actually tried to bring girls home or told them that she wanted to hook up with them. I would like note that each of these times I have not been with her when she’s actively pursuing this, I’m not sure if that matters.

We have had this threesome conversation about bring a third in both sober and intoxicated, but the next day if I try to bring it up it’s almost like I’m telling her I’m going to cheat on her. A couple of weeks ago I tried to have the conversation about bringing a third in which initially was received very well with the promise of another conversation to follow, that conversation never happened. During this conversation I told her that I feel like I am in a no win situation as this is something I truly want and I believe she wants too (once again based off of what she has said, not me making stuff up) but she mostly seems to only be willing when she is extremely intoxicated. This, for obvious reasons, doesn’t work for me as I don’t want her to be into it at that time and the next day feel as if I manipulated her or cheated on her even though she was there and 100% into it. I don’t believe that is ok for a first time experience, a little buzzed is one thing but browned out or blacked out is a completely different story. I also rarely drink at all, and even less get actually buzzed/drunk. Since she seems to flip flop on the idea I am scared to bring it up as I don’t want her to feel or think that it is because of her looks or that she isn’t enough for me.

For the past year or so I have constantly thought about sex (with her, with her and another, and even with others without her). I thought this was due to my “personal alone habits” and decided to stop doing that completely as I thought it would reduce these constant thoughts but Instead it has multiplied! I feel like every other thought is about sex or some sexual act.

With all of that said… I have been struggling to decide how to proceed. Do I ask her to go to a sex counselor for couples? Do I initiate the adding a third conversation again? Or finally, do I ask for an open marriage?

Yes I am aware that this would not just be a one way road and that this would open her up to experiencing there men if she decided to do so. I also fully understand and acknowledge that this type of mentality or thought process is not aligned with everyone’s views and want to hear the pro’s, con’s, warnings, successes, etc. from all angles.

Edit:

Multiple people seem to think our relationship is in a downward spiral, which is not the case at all. We both are extremely happy and love our relationship, marriage, and life we have built together. This particular aspect of our relationship of feeling disconnected sexually is solely felt by myself and not my wife.

To clarify, she has been the one bringing up the conversation up more often than I have in the last six months. For the past few months, if she brings this up while she is drunk I change the topic as this is not something I want to talk about when intoxication is involved anymore. Sometimes, not always, either her or I will bring it up a day or two after she mentioned it when she was drunk and her thoughts and views are not consistent from conversation to conversation.

I do not post to Reddit and apologize in advance if I am breaking any rules.