Good afternoon. My question concerns the search for people with radical monogamy views. How realistic is it to find someone in this world who is ready for radical monogamy (in its 100% radical form)? And where can I look for them? About myself: 100% fidelity, 100% monogamy, and a high level of classical spirituality (in this world, on one small, conditional thread). These have been my views and beliefs since birth; I have never experienced opposing currents and reject them. Why I need this is to work out a full-fledged interaction in a 1+1 format without strangers, betrayal, infidelity, and the like. I couldn't find such people in the fields of spirituality, esotericism, psychology, or philosophy; everyone there tried to foist prostitution and polygamy on me, which completely contradicts my beliefs. What I would like to see in this person is 100% fidelity, 100% monogamy in all respects, and classical spirituality, from birth—that is, the qualities I possess myself. What I wouldn't want to see in this person (those who have had or are involved with these movements): prostitution, polygamy, lgbt, webcamming, striptease, and all similar movements in any form. I also wouldn't want to see in this person a supporter of the trends that today call themselves: spirituality, esotericism, self-development, psychology, philosophy, religion. I'll argue that I've encountered people from these trends and was very surprised when a "psychologist, spiritual father, esotericist" openly praises and promotes prostitution and polygamy, while oppressing fidelity, honesty, and integrity. I hope I can find such a person in this movement (if this movement truly lives up to its name).

My(M31) wife(F28) and I have been married for five years and together for six. About a year ago, she told me that she wanted to try opening our marriage because she felt that she didn't get the opportunity to truly explore her sexuality before we got married and felt that if she didn't, she would regret not doing so. I told her I wasn't okay with this and that I wanted to keep things monogamous. I suggested that we go to couples counseling but she did not want to. We fought about it for a couple weeks after which she apologized to me and said that she was being selfish and that it wasn't fair to put me in that situation. I hoped that would be the end of it. She brought it up a few times since but always in a sort of joking way so I didn't think much of it. probably around two months ago, she brought it up again, adding that she felt very unfulfilled and thought that if she didn't explore sex with other people that she would grow to resent me. She would constantly ask me to explain why I'm not okay with non monogamy and while I would do my best to express why I felt that way, she began to dismiss my thoughts as closed minded and told me she thought I was still brainwashed by purity culture (we both grew up evangelical). This time, she agreed to go to couples counseling so we scheduled an appointment for the first week in June and went on with things as normal. We even took a trip over memorial day weekend which was great. Two days before our first counseling session, she told me that she had cheated on me with a guy that we are friends with. I felt absolutely devastated by this but still wanted to try to figure things out. We went to our first appointment but she decided to divorce me before our second appointment. She told me over the phone that our marriage was over and then immediately invited the guy she cheated on me with to spend the night with her. She apologized to me for how she handled everything and says that I'm still her best friend and wants to remain friends but I just don't see how that is possible. I moved across the country because she took a job in another state and pretty much all of my friends here are people that I know through her and her family. two months ago I was happily married, now I'm living on my own a thousand miles away from all of my friends and family going through a divorce that I didn't want. I just don't understand how she could treat me like this after everything and destroy our life together so that she can sleep with whoever she wants to. I have no idea how to move forward from this. I love her more than I know how to say but have never felt more hurt by anyone in my entire life.

First some background, then a question.

​I am struggling a lot right now as I go through a divorce from my husband.

We were monogamous and eventually tried an open relationship. I wasn't particularly interested in it, but I wanted to support who he is when he came out to me as poly.

The thing is, I'm not a jealous person. I understand sometimes we find other people attractive. I am okay with that. I know that some people are more fun to do different activities with (imo this is what friends are for...), and I don't believe that I can be one person's perfect everything. I also am a quite independent person and don't mind my partner valuing their own independence as well (having their own hobbies for example). I don't care if my partner has same sex friends that they hang out with one on one, because I think people are just their brains and there are interesting people of all genders. I wouldn't even mind them hanging out with an ex, but I would mind cheating!

Yet within that, I want to love someone strongly. To be there for each other. To prioritize one another. To know each other deeply through time. Through the goods and the bads, and during the bads to say, "Let's work through this together and communicate."

The reason I wouldn't do nonmonogamy again is it isn't me. I firmly want to be monogamous. For my husband, being poly was his way of jumping from shiny toy to shiny toy. It was a way for him to avoid growing with me as a partner, working through issues, through the tough parts of marriage, and just going wherever was the most fun in the moment. He did this to his other partners too and they also got sick of it and so far 3/4 of the peoples he has dated seriously h​ave blocked him.

He​ fucked my head up a lot in terms of monogamy. He convinced me for years that nobody is really monogamous, that people shouldn't control each other, and that everyone always lusts for others and should be free to pursue that.

I know there are monogamous relationships of varying intensity, do you think what I'm looking for is possible to find? I feel like when I look on dating sites I see either poly people or super possessive people who don't want their partner to have same sex friends and stuff (and that's fine if that's you, but it's not me. I want to allow that kind of stuff but have trust).

I ​want someone who sticks by me when the times are tough. Who doesn't fuck someone else when I gain 20 lbs and am a little bit chubbier for 4 months because I was stressed from school. Who doesn't go on a date with his meta when we have a fight. Where our lips ​only know each other's. ​But where we are still very independent and loving. Where we can talk openly without jealousy, but we don't do anything physical. Where we don't cheat emotionally, but can be trusted within ​our friendships. Is anyone else like this?

Two people, one is poly the other is mono (going to refer to them like this) have "a thing" going on, but aren't officially together because they want to work on themselves first..

Poly clearly states "I'm not ready to date anyone right now, but if I did, the logical choice would be you", and both are trying to plan a life together.

There is a deep bond between them, and there is trust, a planned future, care and supposedly exclusivity.

Poly is also afraid of hurting and losing Mono, but, here's where things get tricky...
When Mono tries to set boundaries, Poly TRIES to follow them, but has to rely on remembering.

Poly also complains to their friends how "exhausting" it is "trying to remember what normal people are fine with". On top of this, Poly calls Mono's jealousy a red flag that has to be worked on and needs therapy for.

Poly says "even if there's feelings, if they aren't together but are sleeping with someone else, it's not cheating", but Mono disagrees with it as to them that is emotional cheating, as Poly kept saying and planning things with Mono, to then do things with someone else, hurting and ignoring Mono's feelings.

TLDR at the bottom!

Hi! I’m sure this question has been asked plenty of times before but I would like advice for my situation.

To start off I am about to be a sophomore in college and so is my ex. I met her before college started and we became best friends and eventually started dating. She used to be a lesbian and then became bisexual when we started dating.

We were dating for about 4 months and things we going really well and then one day she texted me saying that she might want to breakup when school starts back. She said that for her sophomore year she didn’t want to feel like she was tied down by anyone. she wanted to explore and have fun and then things might change junior year. I freaked out and we had an argument and she ended it by breaking up with me over text. she told me I was the healthiest relationship she’s ever had and that it has nothing to do with me but just the fact the we were in a relationship. I was devastated since then. I eventually texted her a couple days ago saying I want to go no contact and then said a few words that I’m not proud of. She texted back saying that she didn’t mean to end things the way they did. She was trying to slowly bring up the idea of an open relationship but since I freaked out about her wanting to end our relationship she assumed I didn’t want an open relationship.

The thing is I’ve have only ever been in monogamous relationships and so has she. The thing is idk what her idea of an open relationships is. I am assuming her version is not really an emotional attachment but purely just a sexual one. Like one night stands and stuff. I’m currently waiting on a reply for what open relationship means to her.

The things is idk if I want an open relationship. I am sort of a jealous guy and am afraid that I might feel even worse that she’s sleeping with others. But also I might be open to trying it. I truly am so in love with this girl and I absolutely love her family. I want to be with her again but I am scared that if she tries someone else that she might fall for them instead of me. Or if I try a different girl that I just be depressed cause it might feel like I’m cheating on her when I’m not. But again this is all just speculation as I’ve only been in monogamous relationships before.

If we try an open relationship and then I don’t enjoy it I don’t know if I could ever be friends with her again which is devastating to me because she’s basically my only friend in college. Please help me with advice!

TL;DR: My ex-girlfriend (both of us are college sophomores) broke up with me because she didn’t want to feel tied down and wanted to explore during sophomore year. After we broke up, she told me she hadn’t actually wanted to end the relationship. She was trying to bring up the idea of an open relationship instead, but thought I wasn’t open to it after I reacted badly. I’ve only ever been in monogamous relationships, and I’m worried I’d be too jealous or get hurt if she slept with other people. I’m also worried that if I tried sleeping with other people, I’d just feel guilty and depressed because it would feel like I was cheating on her, even though it wouldn’t be. I still love her and want to get back together, but I’m afraid an open relationship could make things even worse or permanently ruin our friendship if it doesn’t work out. I’m waiting to hear what an “open relationship” actually means to her and would appreciate advice from people with experience.

Since I’ve started learning more about Buddhist and Taoist practices of releasing shame and control, I’ve been observing my religious trauma coming up.

As I process my religious trauma as a queer person isolated from any non-Christian spaces growing up, I’ve realized more and more that I became a victim to poly abusers because of this religious trauma. Let me explain.

I was forced to follow the preachings of the dominant poly person. I was pressured to evangelize this lifestyle to others as the one true way to “love”.” As abuse, destruction, and virus infiltrated the relationship, I was told to accept it and rid myself of the sin of jealousy.

I think it’s worth mentioning I was groomed as a teen which religious indoctrination primed me for. I was taught that selflessness was the highest form of good and the best thing I could give god was like a dirty rag to him. This indoctrination festered in the back of my mind whispering lies to me. It convinced me nothing I could do would ever be enough. If polyamory had commandments I’m sure they’d include making yourself a servant to people who can never have enough sex, attention, gifts, etc.

I have been so isolated for long but I think I’m beginning to find my way out of it. Honestly, I would count poly/open/“casual” relationships as isolation because I was forced to lock myself up in my own mind to become someone else. I did anything in effort to make myself “lovable”.

I am discovering who I am now as I travel more and see my 2 good friends love each other for 6 years. Seeing 2 young queer people have a loving monogamous relationship for so long gives me hope that if I find someone they will let me be my monogamous self.

The healing from traumatic guilt and shame starts with not reacting to things people say. I do not take every opinion as pressure to prove myself anymore. If anyone else has had this experience please chime in :).

My wife and I have been together for 6 years married for 3 (both F30s). We opened up to one couple (30sM/F) a year ago. It worked out for her, not so much for me. I thought it was just gunna be sex but they all wanted more emotional involvement and I stupidly allowed it thinking I would lose her if I didn’t. I never wanted this.

The past year has been hell. I’ve done so much personal work. Read all the books, listened to the podcasts, gone to therapy, dated people, and joined discord groups to try and adopt other perspectives. All it’s really done is highlight how differently I think about all this and given me the strength to be ok with that.

I told my wife last week that I was done trying. I can’t go against my nature anymore, it’s not a trauma thing, it’s not a lack of understanding or empathy, it’s a fundamental difference in values and relationship structure preference. I offered her the opportunity to try and rebuild our marriage under the conditions of monogamy and she took it, begrudgingly. She broke up with them.

Her sticking point is that she’s not in love with them so it shouldn’t matter. It’s more than friends but less than what she feels for me. It’s somehow worth watching me writhe in pain for a full year, but also not something I should be concerned or involved with? She said to my face that she doesn’t believe I should have a say in what she does with other people (dating, sex, whatever). She also said she doesn’t understand why anyone wouldn’t be ok with their partners stepping out, despite me explaining it over and over again. We went into this laughing at people who identify as Poly, but I fear she drank the kool aid, she just loves to feel superior.

I’d love to say that it’s been smooth sailing ever since but she barely looks at me. Barely touches me. My aunt died yesterday and I had to ask her to hold me while I cried. To make matters worse, she’s still seeing them as friends. She spent 10 hours with them today. She genuinely doesn’t have any other friends so it feels unfair to ask her not to, and I know she would scream at me about not trusting her, but it’s hard when she’s actively avoiding me. Allegedly she just needs time to “get over it” but how can she when she’s still spending so much time with them?

Im just done, man. She said it’s over and I trust her because of just how angry she is at me. I’m emailing every couples therapist in the tristate area to help us fix this but I fear it’s not going to work long term and she’s going to hate me forever for not letting her “explore the depths of relationship with other people” (another direct quote).

I, like most of you, grew up in a nuclear family. I watched(at least as far as little me was aware) my parents foster a partnership throughout my almost three decades while committed to each other. And understandably, this is a model I've idealized to recreate in my brain. It seems to be the model everyone does as well. Ah, beautiful stable monogamy, you.

But...

I'm currently conflicted...

Is Monogamy unnatural?

In my current understanding of humanity, and as far as I have read, we're not entirely monogamous species. For for the longest time, and by observing our evolutionary neighbors, long-term and life-long monogamy isn't as common. Some primates like Bonobos barely practice monogamy at all, they're highly promiscuous(and gay).

What I've learned is that for the longest time our ancestors practiced Serial monogamy, where the male partner could throughout the gestation period and maybe a short while to raise the kid, then move on to the next one. It wasn't life-long. This makes sense because of how vulnerable the woman might be during the pregnancy and how long human children take to develop, I can understand why this model works best for the continuation of our species. It assures that at least the most vulnerable among the tribe has someone to take care of them.

Is it mostly traditional peer pressure?

Most of life-long monogamy tends to originate from and represent class struggles, as a means to control the mixing of privileged and unprivileged blood. That's to say what we tend to do in the modern day is more socially driven by social factors like status and . I can also see why we'd develop it to control STIs (they're not fun to have), but generally, a social affair. The church and Islam are what enforced it to us anyway(not to say African societies didn't practice it at all).

Does it come from an unhealthy place?

Does it come from a place of possession? A place of insecurity? Isn't monogamy a call from our inner child's desire to be chosen and reassured that they're special and valued? Is that a healthy place? Would, therefore, a properly healed person whose dealt with their inner wounds still have these insecurities, and therefore no longer seek validation in the form of monogamy? What does it say about us who seek it?

Isn't monogamy unfair?

Let's be realistic. We cannot fulfil all of our partner's needs. So why do subject them to potentially a life of choosing only us to fulfil them? We ask them to sacrifice some desires, potential, and experience for us. And we have to give up the same. Is that fair? We're on this wet rock only once and barely for long enough, is it reasonable to forego all those potential experiences for someone?

Is it impractical?

Humans, understandably, are fallible beings. We make mistakes. We and our partners are like to, too. Now, knowing this, is a monogamous arrangement setting each other up for failure. Now, when more than ever, extra-marital affairs and having multiple sexual partners is commonplace and the norm, won't it be better to allow yourself and your partner a platform to be open about your philandering? Why set them up to have to sneak and keep secrets. If we understand that we're likely to do it anyway, why not have a mature agreement about it and be free with each other?

Is it really healthy?

While STIs are definitely not fun to have. I think we(Tanzanians) do have massive hysteria around STIs/STDs. I personally blame it on lingering hysteria from the HIV/AIDS epidemic in the 90s and the government's social programs to raise awareness. But I'm of the opinion that STIs tend to rarely ever be as bad as we make them out to be. Kwanza, most people don't have STIs. Pia, with the advancement of modern medicine, you can get PrEP/PEP for free in most hospitals and DoxyPEP in some dispensaries.

Nevertheless, STIs are not fun to have, for sure. So I can understand why settling down can be worth it anyway. Besides, having sex with condoms(at least receptively) feels almost just as good as doing it without them. So it shouldn't be an issue, really.

Stability and growth?

Since I'm building a life and future for myself, if I'll be introducing someone in my life's growth plan, I would definitely want them committed to the cause. I like to cite Jesus when he says "why should I give the food that was meant for the children to the dogs?". I wouldn't want the personal and emotional investment I've put in us to be wasted on someone else. I'm convinced that a committed partner is probably more likely to pay attention to you, and collaborate better. Anything other people would be a distraction, wouldn't they?

Should I/we give up on monogamy?

I still understand the practical implications of monogamy, I do believe it's one of the things that's gotten us this far as a species in the last 100 years to be 8 billion strong. Admittedly, it's something I would love to recreate, and it's something I'm open to and maybe actively ready/looking for.

Of course, in MLM and MSM(Male who Loves Males and Male who has Sex with Males) circles, promiscuity and hookups are quite rampant, at least according to surveys, and understandably I find myself as the odd one out in those spaces like on Grindr or Tinder. Most men I know mostly to date to appease the women they desire, now when it's two men, you can see why they wouldn't even think about it.

I wonder if at this point I'm looking for a white elephant all these years. I wonder if I'm just setting myself up for disappointment looking for monogamy. Maybe I just need to outgrow it, and be like the rest. Maybe monogamy isn't the problem altogether?

My girlfriend and I dated for about four months. We recently broke up over a trust issue, but after talking everything through we decided to get back together and work on rebuilding the relationship. you have a pretty strong connection and both missed each other during this time.

One thing that’s been on my mind is that even before we started dating, she mentioned that she’d be interested in an open relationship,but we both agreed to be in a monogamous relationship, so I didn’t think much of it. after that, there’s been a few points where she mentioned it, but she did say that if I am not comfortable with that, then she won’t bring it up.

Now that we’re back together, she’s brought it up again. This time she said she would be very open to an open relationship and has defended the idea when we’ve talked about it. I don’t want one. I want a monogamous relationship. when I explain why again she said that’s fine.

I’m trying to figure out if this is something people can genuinely work through, or if wanting completely different relationship structures is usually a sign of incompatibility. Has anyone been in a situation where one partner wanted to open the relationship but the other didn’t? How did it turn out?

My wife and I have been married 46 years - we have been monogamous for most of those years though I had shared with her that I always fantasized about her having sex with others. I didn't bug her or torture her over it I just shared it with her. Its been my fantasy forever -

Out of the blue ( there was a motive on her part but its not worth going into here ) she said she's ready to give it a go - she did and its been wonderful for the two of us - especially her.

Now we're at the point of her wanting to find a new fuck buddy - she's not going to go on to online sites, or pick up a guy in a bar - she's have it happen in her yoga group or pickleball group or some other natural place where she can feel comfortable that he's an ok low risk man

Wondering if others in our age group have experienced this same treat - She's in her early 70's - still gorgeous believe me - she's always stayed out of the sun so her skin is wonderful, she's fit and she loves sex always has - now she can share it and I too can enjoy her bringing it home to me. Love to hear from other men or women in our same or similar place -

So...I'll put it in a nutshell. I'm almost 6 months out of recovering from a discard from my covert narc ex who after 7 years of gaslighting and mind screwing and manipulation of my heart just dropped the poly bomb on me in addition to just making her life the priority. I went no contact and blocked her everywhere in April and haven't looked back. Ive been working tirelessly on myself. No rebounds. No hookups or anything weird...in fact I have connected with several people who have been in narc relationships and avoidants and started slowly building a community of survivors and it feels less isolating and also a positive shift in what would have otherwise been a nightmare for me after so many years and what I trusted to be love and growth...but just a lie. Anyways. I've stuck to pretty much being on my own, focus on my son...myself...art and writing, journals, poetry nature all the healing vibes to keep me strong and back to who I was before she wrecked me.. a few weeks ago I noticed a new folower on Instagram. Seemed like a fascinating woman, and I was like. Ok cool always great to have new people to connect with. Intelligent, posts are all like, aliens and deep things and anti narc sentiments and love and real things and ideas. So...I reached out and started talking, and it was perfect. No stress...no weird vibes. She wanted to talk on the phone...it flows. So well. And we talk every. Single day..sometimes until 2 am..ha. So...I'm nervous. I'm still in a vulnerable place...and so is she. She is recovering from a malignant narc , and we have shared our stories and all the details, helping one another and also laughing a lot and not being too serious...even if it feels..great. It's long distance...states...but, I don't know. It feels really refreshing to talk to a woman that's not ego driven or self absorbed and eggshells everywhere. But I'm like...oh God. I dont want to be hurt again, and I've expressed this , and she is of course very real and open and also says she is monogomous and hasn't been with anyone since the narc ex...focuses on work and her self..no kids ans talks about wanting them...a future..am i crazy? Anyone out there think it's too good to be true or maybe the universe is throwing me a genuine opportunity after being in hell for so long? 🤣

I don't even know how to write it here without sounding incredibly stupid, but I feel that here may be the place I can feel heard and understood.

Being a monogamous and having a relationship with a polygamous person is maddening. I swear, I'm not exaggerating.

Every. Single. Day. This person will be talking about going out with someone. They will be flirting around. They will compliment you and talk about fucking someone else in the same time and/or even in the same sentence. All. The. Time. If you complain about it you're insecure. You're jealous. You don't understand how much they love you. You don't understand that "sharing is caring". You don't understand that "There is a difference between being horny for someone and loving someone".

Of course there's the option of breaking up. And that's the ONLY way around. There's no conversation, no flexibility, no strategy, no forgetting about it, no pretending it's okay, nothing. I know, I know it sounds obvious, but I'm talking with people like me that are in love with poly people. You can't win. I wish I understood that way earlier. You can't adapt to this. You can't get used to it. You can't try being a little poly too. IT WON'T WORK. Please, believe me. Just RUN!

I don't mean to generalize, but in my experience, poly can be a soft excuse to "I just want to have sex with multiple people and you".

I can't even describe what I've been feeling here these 8 months without feeling ashamed. Now I'm in the path of distancing myself. It hurts so bad. I'm so tired I don't even have energy for this. But you gotta do it. You have to distance yourself from this mess.

Please, if you need a sign, this is your sign to move on.

With all of the non monogamy content out there, it seems many people have ventured into it after being monogamous. Anecdotally I hear nightmare stories about this but I am curious. Have any of you gone from monogamy to no monogamy only for it to blow up and now you are monogamous again?

Before anyone jumps down my throat, I’m not even talking about this from a religious or traditional perspective at all. Look at it purely from a practical and psychological standpoint—the whole concept of polyamory is just messy, unnatural, and honestly, kind of draining to even think about.

​First of all, human emotions are inherently protective of the people we love. Romantic love, by definition, thrives on exclusivity and a unique bond between two people. Trying to divide that exact same deep romantic energy among multiple people doesn’t make you "more evolved"—it just dilutes the connection. You aren't giving 100% to anyone; you're just giving fractions of yourself away.

​Second, the logistics are a nightmare. Standard relationships already require so much communication, compromise, and emotional labor. Multiplying that by three or four people sounds like a full-time corporate job, not a relationship. It feels less like romance and more like a never-ending group project where everyone is constantly insecure and trying to "schedule" affection.

​And let’s be real about the "compersion" (feeling happy for your partner finding love elsewhere) thing. Ninety percent of the time, it just looks like people suppressing their natural boundaries and swallowing down massive amounts of jealousy just to seem open-minded or to keep a partner from leaving. It feels deeply unnatural to watch someone you love be intimate with someone else and pretend it’s totally fine.

​It’s constantly pushed online now as this "progressive, superior" way of loving, but honestly? It just feels deeply chaotic, emotionally unstable, and kind of off-putting. Some boundaries exist for a reason, and keeping romance exclusive is one of them.

​Am I the only one who thinks the normalization of this is getting way out of hand?

I coach couples and singles on intimacy for a living, and here's the take that gets me the most hate mail.

We're taught monogamy is the "correct" way to love someone, and anything else is broken or immature. But biology doesn't back that up, and neither does history. What actually matters isn't the structure. it's the honesty inside it.

Cheating isn't wrong because someone wanted more. It's wrong because they lied.

Fight me in the comments. 😏

hi, some context

me and my s/o have been together for, well, 5 years now, this is our first relationship, and things are going relatively fine, but lately i feel like things have just slowed down a lot -- and suddenly, i'm fearing.

about a year or so into our relationship, my partner wanted to try to open up the relationship because they wanted to be able to explore more of themselves and try it, but didn't want to lose me.

me being completely monogamous and never even thinking of the prospect was, well, terrified. i thought that the one love that i had for someone would just treat me as an option. i have never felt anything for everyone the same way i have felt for them.

so, initially, i reacted very emotionally. i said that "fine, you can go talk to other people, but i'm not talking to you until you're done exploring yourself", which ended in them basically admitting that they only said that just so i could want them more

which, fine. okay whatever we were young and stupid. fast forward, we're still together by 5 years, but they still insist on identifying as poly

and i think this is where my fear is lying in. i feel like that desire years ago is still prominent, and i feel horrible thinking i might be barring them off from a life they might be happier in. i feel so competitive against no one and i constantly feel like upholding this threshold or average just so they can keep liking me.

how do i get over this problem? it's been bothering me every now and again every year or so, but it's just so much stronger this time with all the poly relationships i see nowadays. help

Hi.

I'm unable to find a relationship. It's been quite long. The problem is here there isn't much interaction with the opposite sex due to conservative values. I have tried online but failed. I'm scared I might be forever alone. The sheer weight of this feeling overwhelms me. I want to share my love and feelings with someone and reciprocate. I'm otherwise kind of ok I think. Close to 6 ft. Normal weight(little chubby though), male pattern baldness(might get a hair patch), have my own farming business, good frnds group, but still failed at my love life somehow. How do I move forward. I also mostly like western ppl as I have spent quite some time in UK and Cyprus. How do Iove fotward

Thnks

I'll save a lot of the drawn out details, but my fiance (29M) and I (27F) are in a non-monogamous relationship where we have threesomes with other women, and he occasionally sees women solo. I do not partake in anything solo (both out of his requests and my disinterest).

This has been truly the biggest sticking point of our otherwise loving relationship. I am straight, monogamous, and unfortunately anxiously attached (working on it). So as you can imagine, this aspect of our relationship is hard for me.

I know, I know. I can hear the comments now: "Leave him!"

However, I love him and we've worked very hard to be better for each other. This is genuinely where I want to be. And despite its challenges, I mostly handle the NM side better than I previously have.

But somedays are hard. Today is hard. I find myself feeling hatred for the women that he sleeps with that is not normal for my character. I become jealous and angry much more than I would like. I know he's feeling very frustrated with my emotions, but it's hard to manage this on my own sometimes. I have so many fears that the women he sleeps with see themselves as better than me - that he must like something about them better for him to be at their place instead of at home with me. I don't know why that competitive aspect gets under my skin so much, but it does and it eats at me a lot.

I don't really know what I'm looking for. I guess just a place where others understand that this is really fucking challenging. I'm hoping I can have a space to turn to for support when this feels like a lot.

Edited TLDR: Monogamy bad experiences, no longer desire monogamy. Desire relationships where my partner being with someone else won’t come as a surprise where I’ll have wasted time being loyal again (enm, polyamory, possible fwb type of relationships where FULL loyalty (as in, completely devoted to one person) isn’t expected on either side)

Edit bc people are trying to argue and give unsolicited advice even though I clearly clarified I didn’t want that because I was just ranting.

I delete comments if the person it was meant for replied so no new people chime in.

– Has anyone here who was previously non-monogamous or polyamorous decided to become monogamous?
– What led you to make that decision?
– What realizations did you have that made you choose monogamy?
– How has the transition been for you, and what challenges have you experienced along the way?

I’m genuinely interested in hearing about your experiences and perspectives. 💗 Thank you!