u/Content-Drive-7092

I (31) have been with my boyfriend (39) for 10 months now. He was previously married monogamous, his ex wife realized she was bi and they started a poly relationship with others for 5 years before they divorced. He since has been monogamously dating for the last 3 years before meeting me.

I myself am divorced for 2 years from a long toxic marriage that involved addiction issues and infidelity from my partner. I spent a year after my divorce really focusing on myself, healing, not dating and being in therapy.

When I first met my boyfriend, he told me his history and I was initially fine with it. But now that I am really falling deeply in love with him and we are starting to intertwine our lives together, I find myself with growing insecurities about his poly past. I get such dark thoughts about him having multiple long term girlfriends at the same time, sharing threesomes and kinks, their alt lifestyles at goth clubs and sex parties, the 'i love you's' they shared, and how he was in poly relationships without his ex wife.

Although he is no longer poly, I believe he still carries some remnants of those values in his current lifestyle today, such as being friends with that poly social group (although no longer clubbing or partying with them), staying friends with those exes, and not having strong boundaries with other women (as long as it's not cheating, it's okay).

I know he no longer lives a poly life, but the thoughts really tug at my insecurities and it has been so difficult to let them go. I compare myself to these women, like how did he love them so quickly but it took us six months? Is our sex life not as fulfilling because it's more fun with a third person who is probably way more experienced than me? Am I enough? His personality is why I was so drawn to him in the first place, and his past is what made him who he is today. But how do I get past my negative thoughts about it?

I'd love to hear if anyone has experienced something similar, either like myself dating a formerly poly person or as the person who left poly and is back to monogamously dating.

We're both divorced. He does not have kids. I have kids and have a cordial relationship with their dad. We only communicate as needed related to the kids. We are great just doing that.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 months. He is still friends with his ex wife of 13 years. He told me about her the first conversation we had, but I didnt realize how close they actually are. He talks with her every other week, never when he is with me. She bought him Christmas and birthday gifts. They did the poly thing for a few years before they divorced. Edited to add: he is no longer poly and has dated monogamously the last couple of years and was monogamous most of his marriage.

My boyfriend is also still friends with one of his exes from the poly era. She is close with his sister. Although his communication with her has reduced, she is still around and spends time with his sister.

He is friends with another ex from the poly era. She is dating one of his friends, and he has stopped reaching out to her, but she still messages him on social media, sending reels and those kinds of casual things.

He is also neighbors with another ex. While he doesn't see her often and doesn't reach out, he still has her phone number and gifts from her in his house. So while different from the other exes I mentioned, there is still proximity.

We are perfect together, other than this one issue. I realize my ex is still in my life, so thats why I was understanding in the beginning when he told me up front about his ex wife still being a close friend. But now that I know about the other exes, and seen how he has maintained his friendships with them specifically (but chosen not to with other exes who he said were bad people), I am finding it difficult to accept it. It’s wonderful that he is mature enough to be friends with exes and no longer have romantic feelings for them. I don't think he would ever cheat or cross the line physically. I just realize my post divorce perspective is it's better to close the chapter and move on and start new connections fresh, rather than stay attached to an ex to feel like you took the high road or because you feel bad cutting ties because they are good people. Maybe I also feel strongly about this because I don't want to choose the wrong person to be in a relationship with since I have kids.

I am really trying to change my mindset. Started therapy, listening constantly to videos and podcasts, reading books and trying different ways of coping when these thoughts of why he is attached to them still are ruminating in my mind. Has anyone ever dealt with something similar and been able to get past it? Or will it just always be an issue unless I decide to let him go? Or maybe this will slowly die out as he builds his life with me?