u/CartographerOwn2845

I was poly under duress. Maybe almost the textbook definition of it, except my partner didn't do it on purpose, I believe. They just didn't know what they were doing and went about it all wrong. We were dating for a couple months, I was very much in love. I didn’t know we were doing non-monogamy, I only knew that they said they could do both. Then they told me one night they'd gone on a date with someone and had sex.

That was how I found out I was in a non-monogamous relationship.

At the time I absolved them of any wrong doing. I said I wished they had talked to me first, despite feeling betrayed. But I idealized them at that point, and took the blame myself. I should have asked, should have known it was a possibility. Even though they never told me about anyone else that entire time, never talked about wanting to date anyone, or asked me what I thought about it. Not once did it come up in those months, the possibility that they were dating other people.

In retrospect, I think: how was I to know they wanted to do non-monogamy, when it seemed like we were happy, and they said that they could do either? I don't think I was hoping for too much. I wasn't the one who should have brought up the conversation - they should have done that first, before having sex with someone else, before even getting close to me.

Thing is, they were inexperienced. They learned how to do non-monogamy while in a shitty relationship that ended badly. They were wrong to do that, but I don't believe there was any deception behind it - just ignorance, not knowing how to do it ethically. Not knowing that there's no such thing as passive consent when it comes to non-monogamy - all parties involved need to be enthusiastically on board.

I think this is where the anger comes from. Because it was all so wrong, and no one recognizes that. No one will say “I’m sorry.” And from the outside, it looks like I signed up for it, like there’s no one to blame except maybe myself. It’s such a mindfuck.

I did non-monogamy with them for almost 2 years. I kept hoping it would get easier for me, but it never did. I read the books, listened to the podcasts, pored over blogs and reddit posts. I learned a lot about non-monogamy and understood how it could work for some people, but it still made no sense to me. Why would I want anyone else if I am with the person I love? How could they want anyone else if I really am enough, like they say I am?

I dated, kissed, had sex, with other people, despite not wanting to. I was hoping that it would all make sense once I met someone else that I actually liked. But I didn't, and I didn't really care to. The sex felt like nothing to me. Many of the people I dated were really cool, but I just wanted to be friends with them.

I asked to be monogamous twice. The first time was from a place of overwhelm and desperation. I couldn't handle it anymore. But it seemed like the relationship would end, and it felt like that would hurt more than continuing with non-monogamy. I sucked it up and said I changed my mind, and even lied to my therapist and said I really did want to keep going with it. I almost believed it myself.

I would still remember, though, that our relationship was conditional. We were only together as long as they could date and have sex with other people. It killed me.

8 months passed. Sometimes things were good, so good that I'd forget we weren't really together in the way I wanted to be. I had met their family and friends. I moved to be closer to them. But when things were hard, it was really hard. But they didn't even do anything most people would think of as unethical. I had signed up for it, right? So when they scheduled a date with someone on my last day in town before a long trip, I really wasn't allowed to feel bad about it, or ask them not to go on that date. I had to deal with it. According to the advice I read, I should have planned to see them in advance if that's what I wanted. I wasn't allowed to have expectations in what looked, in all other respects, like a committed long-term relationship. Wasn't allowed to expect my partner to want to see me before I left.

I learned that jealousy is insecurity - I just needed to "process my feelings" and understand them, and then it would be fine. I thought I was processing my feelings. I was just disconnecting, avoiding, pretending, because it is not possible to process feelings when the situation you are in is fundamentally wrong for you. If you betray yourself like that, there are consequences. There is no way to fix it but to undo it.

The second time I asked for monogamy, I thought for sure it was the end. But they agreed. Neither of us had been dating anyone for a while. They seemed sad and pessimistic about how this would affect our relationship, but I knew it could only help. And we are still going - it's not perfect, but it's better.

I still have so much anger in me, though, and sometimes I just feel sad. I wish things hadn't been that way. I had figured out that non-monogamy was a crutch for them, because they'd been in bad relationships, and this probably seemed like the solution to not getting hurt, not putting all your eggs in one basket. I can analyze everything that happened, turn it inside-out, come up with some logical reason for everything they did that caused me pain. But it doesn't fix it. To my broken heart it didn't matter that their intentions were good and they didn't mean to hurt me. They always had the choice to stop. They most likely knew I didn't really want to be non-monogamous, because they'd accuse me of that in arguments. I'd deny it because I didn't want to lose them.

My own fault. No one to blame but myself. Just a bad situation.

But I got what I needed, and they chose me in the end. So how do I let go of the anger and the hurt? I think about things that happened and I feel sick. It seems like a bad dream. How could I do that to myself? How could they do that to me?

Despite them being really shitty at non-monogamy, they actually are the most thoughtful person I've ever known, which only makes it more confusing.

I would like to know how to let go of these feelings, how to stop my mind from looping over past events and trying to understand everything but never finding an answer. I just want to enjoy the relationship I have now.

I was poly under duress. Maybe almost the textbook definition of it, except my partner didn't do it on purpose, I believe. They just didn't know what they were doing and went about it all wrong. We were dating for a couple months, I was very much in love. I didn’t know we were doing non-monogamy, I only knew that they said they could do both. Then they told me one night they'd gone on a date with someone and had sex.

That was how I found out I was in a non-monogamous relationship.

At the time I absolved them of any wrong doing. I said I wished they had talked to me first, despite feeling betrayed. But I idealized them at that point, and took the blame myself. I should have asked, should have known it was a possibility. Even though they never told me about anyone else that entire time, never talked about wanting to date anyone, or asked me what I thought about it. Not once did it come up in those months, the possibility that they were dating other people.

In retrospect, I think: how was I to know they wanted to do non-monogamy, when it seemed like we were happy, and they said that they could do either? I don't think I was hoping for too much. I wasn't the one who should have brought up the conversation - they should have done that first, before having sex with someone else, before even getting close to me.

Thing is, they were inexperienced. They learned how to do non-monogamy while in a shitty relationship that ended badly. They were wrong to do that, but I don't believe there was any deception behind it - just ignorance, not knowing how to do it ethically. Not knowing that there's no such thing as passive consent when it comes to non-monogamy - all parties involved need to be enthusiastically on board.

I think this is where the anger comes from. Because it was all so wrong, and no one recognizes that. No one will say “I’m sorry.” And from the outside, it looks like I signed up for it, like there’s no one to blame except maybe myself. It’s such a mindfuck.

I did non-monogamy with them for almost 2 years. I kept hoping it would get easier for me, but it never did. I read the books, listened to the podcasts, pored over blogs and reddit posts. I learned a lot about non-monogamy and understood how it could work for some people, but it still made no sense to me. Why would I want anyone else if I am with the person I love? How could they want anyone else if I really am enough, like they say I am?

I dated, kissed, had sex, with other people, despite not wanting to. I was hoping that it would all make sense once I met someone else that I actually liked. But I didn't, and I didn't really care to. The sex felt like nothing to me. Many of the people I dated were really cool, but I just wanted to be friends with them.

I asked to be monogamous twice. The first time was from a place of overwhelm and desperation. I couldn't handle it anymore. But it seemed like the relationship would end, and it felt like that would hurt more than continuing with non-monogamy. I sucked it up and said I changed my mind, and even lied to my therapist and said I really did want to keep going with it. I almost believed it myself.

I would still remember, though, that our relationship was conditional. We were only together as long as they could date and have sex with other people. It killed me.

8 months passed. Sometimes things were good, so good that I'd forget we weren't really together in the way I wanted to be. I had met their family and friends. I moved to be closer to them. But when things were hard, it was really hard. But they didn't even do anything most people would think of as unethical. I had signed up for it, right? So when they scheduled a date with someone on my last day in town before a long trip, I really wasn't allowed to feel bad about it, or ask them not to go on that date. I had to deal with it. According to the advice I read, I should have planned to see them in advance if that's what I wanted. I wasn't allowed to have expectations in what looked, in all other respects, like a committed long-term relationship. Wasn't allowed to expect my partner to want to see me before I left.

I learned that jealousy is insecurity - I just needed to "process my feelings" and understand them, and then it would be fine. I thought I was processing my feelings. I was just disconnecting, avoiding, pretending, because it is not possible to process feelings when the situation you are in is fundamentally wrong for you. If you betray yourself like that, there are consequences. There is no way to fix it but to undo it.

The second time I asked for monogamy, I thought for sure it was the end. But they agreed. Neither of us had been dating anyone for a while. They seemed sad and pessimistic about how this would affect our relationship, but I knew it could only help. And we are still going - it's not perfect, but it's better.

I still have so much anger in me, though, and sometimes I just feel sad. I wish things hadn't been that way. I had figured out that non-monogamy was a crutch for them, because they'd been in bad relationships, and this probably seemed like the solution to not getting hurt, not putting all your eggs in one basket. I can analyze everything that happened, turn it inside-out, come up with some logical reason for everything they did that caused me pain. But it doesn't fix it. To my broken heart it didn't matter that their intentions were good and they didn't mean to hurt me. They always had the choice to stop. They most likely knew I didn't really want to be non-monogamous, because they'd accuse me of that in arguments. I'd deny it because I didn't want to lose them.

My own fault. No one to blame but myself. Just a bad situation.

But I got what I needed, and they chose me in the end. So how do I let go of the anger and the hurt? I think about things that happened and I feel sick. It seems like a bad dream. How could I do that to myself? How could they do that to me?

Despite them being really shitty at non-monogamy, they actually are the most thoughtful person I've ever known, which only makes it more confusing.

I would like to know how to let go of these feelings, how to stop my mind from looping over past events and trying to understand everything but never finding an answer. I just want to enjoy the relationship I have now.