u/Flying-Penguin-90

Hello everyone! I don’t think I’m “naturally” monogamous as some other folks here are - I still get crushes etc - but my man is amazing and I want to be his wife. At the beginning, he thought he could do ENM with me, but then realized he couldn’t. So I’ve committed to monogamy with him. It hasn’t been easy for me, overcoming my fear of commitment and this transition, and I feel horrible for what I’ve put him through over our two years together. But I’ve NEVER cheated or acted on any thoughts… it was more like, talking about it or having thoughts about it made him insecure. However, over time, I learned more and more how to do this monogamy thing. My man brought the phrase to the table, “we’re married, not buried” and I flooded with relief. I’m relieved that even married folks give crushes and don’t act on them.

I know that, hands-down, monogamy is the best relationship structure for me, for many many reasons. Plus, with my man who’s my best friend and an incredible person? Fantastic. I have no regrets about my choice.

Regardless, I feel very different than the folks in here who seem to just naturally BE monogamous rather than choose it. I really do think my “ENM” is fear of commitment and dopamine-seeking, in some ways. I’ve been working on it a lot in therapy.

But I’m curious if there’s anyone else in this subreddit who’s like me, and if so, any wisdom for the beautiful journey ahead that is lifelong partnership? Thanks!

This has happened to me more than once now. We will book, and the day the sitting starts, the owner will say on their way out: “oh yeah, we ran out of (pet food), can you buy it? We’ll reimburse you!”

it’s like… okay… but what about the TIME it takes to go out and run an errand and buy something? Where’s my compensation for that?

And it’s not like I can say no, because then pets don’t have their food/treats. Not sure how to approach this situation. Advice appreciated! Thank you!

When my boyfriend and I met, we thought we could be poly. But then he basically “mono bombed” me a month into our relationship. Not in a bad or manipulative way! He just realized that him having previously been in a poly relationship with an-already partnered person in another state, is NOT the same as being poly with your primary girlfriend. (Who would’ve thunk, lol). He tried to be okay with poly, he really did, but he just couldn’t.

Out of panic/admittedly codependency, because I like him so much, I outwardly agreed to monogamy. It took some messy growing pains for us because I wasn’t really ready for monogamy on the inside… but as we kept dating and he showed me how incredible he is, I did realize the many many benefits to monogamy (sexual safety being the main one - he’s so loyal, I know this would not change for life).

Now, I feel more ambiamorous in nature, because monogamy has so many great benefits. But I’ve still never experienced a true polyamorous relationship, and every time I cannot pursue a potential connection, I feel a bit of sadness/grief about it. I feel a certain tightness in the chest when I think about never being able to pursue new connections ever again.

This tightness/anxiety is definitely fear-based. But is it fear of not living as my “true” self (poly) or fear of commitment (mono)? I know people on the Internet don’t know me, but part of me thinks the answer is… whatever I want it to be. And I love my man so much, that I want it to be a fear of commitment that I work through and then never have to deal with these “poly” thoughts again. I honestly kind of hate this grief and this tightness. I wish I could just be happy and calm and peaceful with a monogamous life, by default, because I’m madly in love with my man. I want to work towards that. But is this like a bisexual man trying to work on getting rid of his attraction to men so he can marry a woman?

I feel like I’ve gotten off the roller coaster in so many ways (especially my formerly toxic relationship that - through hard work in therapy - is now healthy). But I keep dopamine-seeking through addictive phone use, substance use, and so on. I keep thinking that I might “need” to be polyamorous, when in reality, there’s nobody on the planet worth losing my man, the way we help each other grow, and the peaceful life we’re creating together.

I feel like I’m hooked on intermittent reinforcement. I asked myself, “what if the highest of life’s highs was snorkeling at the beach, and the lowest of life’s lows was being bored at work?” And I had a VISCERAL negative reaction at how dumb and boring that life seemed. Even though I know that’s the life I want.

I feel like by committing to this peaceful, monogamous path, I am giving up other paths with a more exciting “plot”, if that makes any sense. There’s a sense of grief there.

How???? HOW do I become OK with boring without self-sabotaging? (I’m already in therapy, so I’d like advice other than that please!)