Please Help
Using a throw away account. First time posting here, and need some input.
My boyfriend (43m) and I (32f) have been together for nearly 6 years. We’re potentially planning a cross country move in the next couple of months, and we’ve been talking about marriage for nearly 2 years (he brought it up first). We’ve lived together for more than 3 years, we own a car together, we got a dog together, and our lives, families, and finances are deeply intertwined at this point. We’re deep in love and have gone through so much in our time together. It’s been the best relationship I’ve been in by far and I love him more than I thought possible.
About 5 months into our relationship (I had already caught feelings at this point) he revealed to me that he thought he was polysexual (not amorous) and wanted to have threesomes or couple swaps with me. This really stressed me out and I struggled with it a lot at the time. Primarily feelings of inadequacy and hurt as I had never experienced a situation like this before. We nearly broke up but I agreed to explore with him. The relationship was new, I was trying to be open minded, and while I was immensely skeptical I had hoped that I would find enjoyment in it.
We chatted with plenty of people online, met a few in person, and had 2 true semi-sexual encounters with 2 other couples. This all occurred over the course of about 2 months. Afterwards emotionally, I felt horrible. I felt disgust with myself for putting myself in those situations that I genuinely didn’t enjoy even remotely and I felt such jealousy for seeing him be physical with another woman. And then I felt guilt for being jealous for something I consented to. I told him after the last encounter how uncomfortable I felt (and granted, I did downplay my feelings on this). I don’t remember us having an intentional conversation about stopping the pursuit of ENM, but we did and then more than 5 years of life happened together.
Our relationship during all this time has been actually incredible. I have never experienced love or connection like this, and we’re so hot for each other after all this time. On average, we consistently have sex 4-5 times per week (and it’s REALLY good sex). We also have a Dom/sub dynamic which we both love and get a lot of satisfaction and fulfillment out of, although over the years, this dynamic I think has naturally lessened in its intensity but it’s something I’ve brought up to him numerous times that I’d like to get more into again. In the first couple years of our relationship, during sex as dirty talk he may say something every so often about having a threesome but to me this was fully something being fantasized about in the heat of the moment. We had literally zero real conversations about ENM in more than 5 years, and the occasional dirty talk about this fantasy stopped 2-3 years ago. Since then, I guess I have naturally and unintentionally assumed he no longer felt that way and was happy and fulfilled by our monogamous relationship.
Which brings us to 2 weeks ago. He unexpectedly revealed to me his intense need to be a ”bull” for another couple. I was absolutely stunned and blindsided by this! Since then, he’s also re-established what sounds like a requirement to be with other women sexually, primarily either through threesomes with me, swinging, or meeting up with women on his own and separate from me entirely (essentially, my choice on which direction). I did not know how to respond to this information and we didn’t talk about it much for about a week and a half and I spent that time primarily researching what to do. My core understanding and sense of safety that I have with our relationship feels shattered. He swears that it’s not a matter of me not being enough for him, but how could it not? I also don’t understand how much more could he need? We have great and frequent sex. What am I missing?
We finally talked about it last night. Primarily me trying to understand him and he trying to understand what I’m comfortable with. Which at this point, I am not comfortable with anything other than monogamy. I asked him if we could see a sex therapist together to work through this for both of us, but that I cannot force myself to endure a sexual arrangement or experience that puts my heart and health (both mental and physical) at risk. I also am absolutely terrified to lose him over “casual” sex. How does fleeting sexual gratification with somebody entirely random compare to the depth of the emotional and physical intimacy that we share? It doesn’t feel fair for him to risk our relationship over something like this.
In trying to understand where this desire comes from with him, I do not see how it’s anything more than fantasy rather than an actual sexual need that must be acted on. I don’t feel like that’s a fair mindset for me to have, but it’s one I can’t stop coming back to. I have asked him in a number of ways what he’s hoping to get out of this that he doesn’t get with me, and he doesn’t really have an answer? He just says it’s how he is. He thinks monogamy is tied to purity culture and thinks that humans are naturally not wired for it.
I am willing to work with a therapist through my anxieties and any internalized biases or shame that I may somehow have in order to try for him. But I am worried it’s not going to be enough and that he’ll give up this relationship so he can have sex with whomever he wants.