Why do I feel so broken in terms of my relationship wants/needs?
TLDR*; I'm worried I unintentionally brainwashed myself for years into thinking cheating is sexy and am permanently damaged/incompatible with a monogamous lifestyle*.
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Pansexual 24M here. It genuinely feels like I'm missing something that pretty much everyone gets when it comes to monogamous relationships, and it makes me question my ability to form a meaningful romantic partnership in life. I haven't felt comfortable sharing this with anyone because I've been too ashamed... but have recently been coming clean to a lot of past regrets & guilt as well as just attempting to understand myself more in general, so I figured I could field this sub a question given that perspectives from other people would likely be very helpful:
I've had what I guess is a cheating kink for a really long time. Hard to immediately know or say how long because it was present as far back as my first long term relationship in high school. She (will be named Sarah) was a year older than me, and we were together for ~one and a half years. Before I was with her I had been talking more casually to someone else (will be named Emma) who was two grades below me. Nothing crazy intimate or anything since we were both in our early teens, just movie dates. But we were exclusive I guess. Being a sophomore dating an eighth grader felt really strange and I don't remember feeling like us being together was totally okay, even when her parents were driving us to/from the movies. If I remember correctly I called things off around February of my sophomore year, and a couple of months later I ended up asking Sarah (who I'd been really attracted to since the seventh grade) to prom... and she said yes! Hooray. Out of the gate though I had been developing issues & complexes that I'm sure were detrimental to our relationship dynamic in the long term. My first few sexual experiences were largely shaped and encouraged by pornography. By the time I was in middle school I would say I had developed a porn addiction, or at least relied on it for masturbation a lot. Anyone who has spent time on the hub can attest that pipelines into weird taboo shit are so accessible on that site. I'm pretty sure the first examples of infidelity I saw were through pornography, which obviously fetishized it as something that "was good because it was bad". Cheating scenes in movies started to seem more desirable, especially instances of someone being seduced into cheating by a homewrecker. I think at first it was a sort of fascination/curiosity? But really I don't know what it was specifically that drew me to it. This was the start of my feeling ashamed about a deep dark secret that I felt I couldn't share with anyone and have denied/hidden away since.
Fast forward to the end of my junior year. Sarah was graduating and heading off to college in the fall. We had talked with each other about wanting to stay together but hadn't made any concrete plans on how that would work. A couple of months before the end of our relationship, things started feeling a little off. Communication from her was slowing down and she was beginning to express doubts or dissatisfaction in the relationship. It was harder to notice this in person, but as it kept on, there was less and less effort made for those in person times to even happen. I forget exactly what prompted me to do this, but around mid-May I started texting Emma again. We both were in relationships but also inevitably around each other since we were both percussionists in band, so things started off friendly/logistics-based ("hey do you need a ride tomorrow" sort of stuff). But from the jump I think I caught a vibe that we both were feeling vulnerable, confused, bored waiting if that makes sense. At one point about a week before Sarah broke up with me Emma and I started confiding in each other about our problems in our relationships. I wasn't talking about it with anyone else at the time, and keeping my discontentment close to my chest only fed this illusion of injustice (yuck) that I bought into because I had come to expect our relationship to be a constant that would never change... something that was serving my needs and from my gross assumptions should have served Sarah's. Emma ended up inviting me over, and I think my attitude was sort of "...well it doesn't seem like Sarah cares enough to keep our relationship alive, so why should I". I didn't think about it too hard and went over to Emma's. We watched TV just sitting back on her couch, shoulder to shoulder proximity, holding hands. Could have been worse but even then I definitely considered it cheating. The intention matters, and I was definitely trying to rebel against a situation that felt unfair to me. I did definitely feel guilty. But another part of me felt weirdly into it. Perhaps having a dramatic secret like that felt novel and romantic? I've never shared the story of this night with anyone because at this point we're dipping into parts of myself I'm still not comfortable with... actions that have felt totally wrong from the status quo. These are the sorts of thoughtless mistakes that make me question if there is good in me.
Sarah broke things off a week later to focus on school and for a while after I stuck to casual relationships. Emma and I started hooking up that fall but at one point in the middle of us having sex I said I needed to stop, that it didn't feel right. For the next three years I would stick to one off flings, running away at the sight of a larger commitment. Maybe I was scared of the type of person I saw myself becoming at the end of my relationship with Sarah. But I wasn't reflecting on any of this at the time, just going through with the blinders on as I figured out everything else in my life. Started deconstructing my homophobia as I realized gender didn't really matter to me as long as I found the person attractive... though still prioritized hetero-normative relationships though likely due to my continued use of porn. Eventually I left my hometown for school, and my second long term relationship began at the end of my first year in college.
Two months into my new relationship with this girl two and a half years older than me (will be named Alex), I went back home and cheated on her with someone I had matched with on Tinder before I went to college. I legitimately couldn't tell you why I chose to do this other than theorizing it as blatant self-destruction. Alex was inexperienced sexually and instead of communicating my concerns in an honest, healthy way, I chose to just cheat on her with someone who was able to meet my desires. I had been spiraling a bit since arriving back home, day drinking (which is extremely atypical for me) and smoking weed every day all day. Alex is from Spain so when we were both home she was literally on the other side of the world. So I invite this Tinder girl over and we smoke some weed, drink a bit, and start watching some bullshit on the TV. I was the one who initiated and kissed her, and unfortunately this time around I went all the way. Even though we dated for two and a half years after that, I would say that choice at the beginning of our relationship marked the death of what could have been a successful relationship. After that, things were never going to work out between us. She could never trust me in the same way again and I was so guilty that I could never totally own up admit to her that I was the one who really wanted to do it. At first, I am literally disgusted that I did this, I lied claiming it was some form of assault on me... that I didn't want to do it but was essentially raped while under the influence. This was easily the most sociopathic, narcissistic, selfish, manipulative thing I have ever done in my life. It's a permanent stain on my transcript that I'm sure would be a no-brainer dealbreaker for nearly anyone, including many of you reading this.
And the worst part is... after this repugnant betrayal of trust, throughout the rest of our relationship, I still thought about other people. I still watched pornography centered on infidelity. Alex and I never reached a level of intimacy that satisfied me, one factor was again her lack of experience, but another was that I literally felt/feel like I was fundamentally unfit for a monogamous relationship. There was no way I could be about monogamy and also have committed those acts, have these thoughts, find the idea of different/multiple partners so compelling. Our relationship is over now and I still feel so confused as to my identity and what it is I'm looking for out of sex. I don't really care about getting married or having kids right now, but in a distant reality I could see myself enjoying a life like that with someone. Another thing I find confusing about all of this is that, even though I can't say for sure because I never experienced it firsthand, I don't think if my partner was seeing other people that I would care. Maybe at this point I believe I deserve it? But everything just seems so grey. I don't want to get into another long term monogamous relationship with someone right now because I fucked up so badly in my last one that I wouldn't be surprised if no one who knew this about me would be willing to engage with me in a romantic way ever again. I've considered my feelings regarding ethical non-monogamy and whether I'd be down to become part of a polycule because it feels like this is just my life now. Even if I wish things were different, the effects of porn addiction and my immature interpretations/expectations that I derived from it have snowballed and turned me into someone that feels so far removed from normal relationship culture that I question whether the damage is irreversible at this point. Lately I've been sober way more of the time than I've been high as well as staying away from porn for the most part, or at least if I use it doing what I can to steer clear of anything related to being unfaithful to one's partner. I'm also refraining from hitting anyone up to initiate any kind of serious romantic connection since it's clear I have issues I'm working through and I don't want to end up hurting anybody again.
Last night I was watching a show and still found myself getting aroused when one of the characters ended up choosing to cheat on their partner. It's frustrating that it seems kind of inherent to me at this point even if I don't tell anyone about it. Has anyone else on this sub transitioned out from this sort of hole (lol) before, and if so what is that process like? Will I have to contend with these compulsions forever and essentially mask/subdue this "evil" side of me? How should I communicate any of this with future partners or should I even go there? I'm quite lost.