r/FTMventing

All the time i see posts where people warn other trans men to avoid dating cis men. Which is… true. But they always say reasons like, “he’ll never see you as a man!!” or “he’s a fake bisexual!!” which i think are missing the point

cis men can and DO see a lot of us as men. Yes ofc there are cis men who only see us as women, but i wouldn’t say that it’s like that the majority of the time. Obviously most of us wouldn’t date someone willingly who didn’t see us as a man

dating a cis man will suck 90% of the time regardless of your identity. you could be a cis man, a cis woman, a trans man, a trans woman, nonbinary, or anything else. No matter what, it’s probably gonna suck. I’m not saying that cis men are “biologically evil” or anything like that bc that’s bullshit, but men are raised and allowed to be shitty, abusive and selfish in society.

this also seems to apply especially for romantic relationships. I’ve had a lot of good friendships with cis men, but whenever i date one of them, EVEN IF THEY WERE THE PERFECT FRIEND, they suddenly turn super shitty and selfish. it’s like they’re not raised to respect their partners??

Yes there are good cis men but finding one is like finding a needle in the haystack. Lots of trans guys brag about their bfs and say things like, “he actually sees me as a man!!” but a lot of cis men see us as men, that’s not why they’re so shitty. we need to raise our standards for cis men because most of them suck

There’s a woman on tiktok whose daughter recently came out as trans. I don’t follow her but her videos keep popping up.
She seems really sweet and is doing her best to support her daughter and sharing that online.

I can’t watch them. I get so upset and angry
because i know ill never have the same kind of parent. I’m happy for her daughter and im glad she has support, but why not me?

I feel like an asshole for how upset it makes me.

I know, I know it is dumb but like. I'm a big spider-man fan, and as many may know, Petra Parker is Really popular at the moment. Which is *fine*, but I have to admit to myself, it does make me uncomfortable at times! Mostly because I've always seen spider-man as a trans man (shocker.)

My discomfort mostly comes from the experiences I've had with hypervisibility of trans fem people vs erasure of trans mascs. In my experince if a character has a trans fem hc gets popular, it becomes the norm and even implying the inverse becomes like. Sorta negatively viewed?? Like, some people will get super defensive over the idea of the character being a woman. And of COURSE this isn't the entire fandom, all the time, but it is enough for me to preface that I don't think it's bad, and I obviously understand how hard it is to be trans, let alone be so hypervisible in this damned society.

I've also struggled to find *just* trans masc media outside of like, Ao3, for Spider-man, which means I'm like trying to go indulge in an affirmative thing and I get blasted with the "aw geeze being a woman is so great and i'm so happy" which again, I feel the need to stress is FINE, IT IS JUST UPSETTING WHEN I'M TRYING TO FIND THE "aw geeze i'm so happy being a man and it's so great being a dude and spider-man." stuff.

And in general I feel like an asshole when I say that I don't really see or like a trans fem headcanon, because I'm like. really fucking worried that I'm being transphobic. I don't want to upset anyone and I don't want to make any trans fems feel like they can't like. Also have fun and find themselves in their favorite characters. I just. Don't really get any enjoyment out of transfem headcanons most of the time.

Idk I just don't know how to express this to others or if I even ever should. I feel bad about it because I have cis friends who'll send me any sort of trans content and I just. Do Not enjoy it from time to time. and I can't explain to people Why.

I have a lot of cis friends but this happens with cis guys especially we’d be talking like normal id tell him im trans as a way to get it off my chest and cut a relationship that’s not meant to be if it came down to that and then id notice the subtle shift in the way they start speaking to me, every so often a misgendering happens and it breaks my heart because before you knew im trans this would never happen. It especially hurts more when this friend was with me for years and they slip up once in a while like I can tell you don’t really see me as another man like you

I am drunk as I type this so sorry for anyway spelling mistakes

I’m on my second bottle of vodka ever, the first time I drank was right before my 18th birthday which was 9? 10? Months ago and I got a bottle of vodka 3-4 days ago and I’m really drunk tonight and my dysphoria is almost nonexistent, I feel amazing I feel like a cis guy, I’ve never felt so relaxed and I’ve been on diazepam before lol.

I know drinking is bad but it makes me feel like a cis guy, and I have no one to talk to but yk it’s okay I feel fine right now

Me ftm(19) and my cis girlfriend (18) have been together for 1 year and 10 months. We are doing okay, but when we moved together last november i started feeling bad, because my dysphoria got a lot worse. Especially this year has been even worse. In march, I started T, so that helps a lot but Ive started to feel very dysphoric in our relationship. I just feel so fucking different because I am trans. She is bisexual, which is alright, but sometimes makes me feel very dysphoric and scared she sees me as a trans man and not just a man. I'm the first trans person she's has been with. Also, I'm not conventionally attractive atleast in my opinion, also have been bullied in childhood because of my weight. It doesnt help that my girlfriend never compliments me. I didnt really think much of it when we started dating, because I was feeling good with myself at that point. It makes me feel so so so bad that shes never called me good looking or anything. Only if I have asked her that "do you think I am attractive" or something she just says yes, but like in a weird tone, like its obvious that I am, but like its not obvious because no one has ever told me if I am. Ive struggled with depression and sh in my teenage years, and also have been always a bit overweight which makes me feel awful. I dont look like other men, and I am scared she thinks when looking at them that she wishes I was like that. She has also sometimes complimented random men when im wuth her, like once we were in a hockey game together (im a big hockey fan) she just said something like "omg thats good looking" about some hockey player that walked by, after she saw i kinda got hurt by it, she said something like "you are good looking too", but i know she just said it because I felt kinda bad. I know its okay to find people good looking, but i wish she didnt say it outloud to me and would compliment me more. And when we were scrolling tiktok once and there was a trans man without a shirt she just said "damn" about him. I just feel so fucking god damn ugly and it doesnt help that no one says otherwise. Ive told her that i feel bad because she doesnt compliment me and shes said that she doesnt know how to. But why is she complimenting other people. It feels bad.

One thing that makes me feel awful sometimes is that I know she sometimes watched porn. Its alright other ways, but what makes me feel bad is that we dont really have sex often and i feel like thats because i am just not attractive to her. Especially after I started T. We used to have sex like once a month maybe, but after I started T Ive told her about bottom growth and she has always been like jokingly disgusted, but told me she loves me either way. We had sex once when i was around a month on T. I wouldve wanted to have sex with her more because of my libido rose but obviously I wont force her to do anything. Sometimes it went to a moment where i was confident that this night would be when we would have sex, but when i tried things she would always just start saying "im tired" and like that and then we stopped. Im scared she feels disgusted of my bottom growth and wont want to touch me because of it. Few days ago, I was excited we would be having sex, and I did do things to her, but when it got to me, she just said "im tired im sorry". I dont know what to do. And about the porn, i just feel like she just wants to do it alone and watch cis guys because i dont make her feel good and she doesnt want to touch me. I have asked her that does she think i am disgusting but she always says no. Im embarrased to ask her straight that if she doesnt want to touch me because of my bottom. Im scared she is scared to tell me the real answer. Then i dont have a dick and cant do things a cis guy could its just awful i dont know what the fuck to do. Even if i get phallo its not the same as having a real penis atleast to me. I dont know if i can ever be happy with my own body. Also, I know I need therapy, but i cant go yet, because i dont have money and also will be thrown out of public trans healthcare where i would get my T a lot cheaper in the future (and surgeries), but it will take more than 1,5 years to get out of there.

If you read all this I really appreciate it. I dont need advice necessarily but rather peer support. Thanks.

I work at Walmart in SoCal. When I first got into the job i realized the lady who trained me started correcting everyone because they referred to me as a boy (i do pass kinda well), HR told her i was a girl, i didnt explain anything about my identity because i was too shy to correct them. Like 2 months later, this lady asked me what my pronouns are because the word was spreading out about me maybe being trans, i am very masculine presenting and have a neutral name. I told her everything, even told her about being shy about correcting because i kinda started trusting her, shes a very bubbly person in general and trained me very well. She completely ignored it and continued calling me she 😅 she gets along with a lot of people in the store so everyone who once started using he him with me now uses she her. I recently started letting my stubble grow a little, using shorts with all my leg hair out, use the mens restroom etc, im noticing some weird energy from some coworkers, i kinda feel they just think im a weird girl who doesnt shave lol. I even started T and my voice is lower. Its getting ridiculous now with costumers looking at me crazy when they tell them "oh she can help you with that"

Even though I decided im not coming out personally to anyone, it is kinda draining how they cant figure out im actually trans and not a girl like the wires dont connect on their brains or sum. Im patient enough to let T do the work and let them figure it out themselves but it does ruin my mood almost every single day:/

I was doing a sigh of exasperation when he said that.

I was cuddling him. It took a second but I didn't like how that made me feel even if it was a joke in his head. So i got off him and went to sleep kinda too pissed to talk.

1. It's rooted in misogyny and 2. Why even say that unless you want me to feel bad? Or what is the desired response. Me to apologize for sounding like a girl ?

It might seem small but stuffs been adding up lately. We just hit 4 years and idk if I want to do 4 more. The negatives are starting to outweigh the positives.

dysphoria is making it so that nothing really makes me happy anymore. i just need testosterone but my parents are withholding it from me. i feel sick constantly and when i see myself i wish i never existed to begin with. i relate to none of my friends and even none of my trans friends because they’re all gnc and im binary and they don’t view transition as a necessity. i’m just so upset all the time and hate everything about my life except my friends and my gf

I’m a senior this school year, (thank god) and I have an older teacher in this specific class, so I already knew I was going to experience something like this.

I was doing classwork with a friend and the teacher was going over a late work policy or something, I don’t even know, since I didn’t notice that because I was turned around and looking at my paper. She kept trying to get our attention by shouting “girls, girls, girls” at us, and of course I wouldn’t want to think she was talking to me, but another student tapped my shoulder because it actually was towards me.

It pisses me off because I have told this teacher about my name already, my pronouns, and I very obviously dress as masculine as I can, so this is just completely humiliating for me. I am reminded why I hate school so much now and I can’t wait to graduate. It’s only the second week of school and I’m already going through this same old bullshit all over again.

I just wanted to get my feelings out about this because I’m so sick of these teachers going out of their way to misgender me when it’s so obvious that that’s not who I am. They never knew me as anything other than Landon, he/him, nothing feminine about how I look at all, and still, they do this shit. Being trans fucking sucks when I live in a small town where nobody can wrap their heads around identities.

All because my name is different on legal documents, that means my identity is completely disregarded by these people. It’s so aggravating.

I finally am so close to transitioning and got a surgery date but my partner said it would mean we can't be together and they're my world I love them and don't want to lose them and everything we have together I also have no one besides them I'd be poor homeless and have no support I'm so stressed and I want them but I also want to transition and I just want to cry I'm terrified to make the wrong choice what if I transition and regret losing my partner but I'm also so sad at never living as myself!

Ugh. I knew going in one of those ftmmen subreddits that it was going to be a little weird, but I really thought I could handle the occasional slimy 4tran shit. It's really ramped up lately and I'm so fucking sick of it. I thought that it would be nice to have a more specific perspective, and yeah, at the time, I was a little annoyed at how many posts I was seeing on the main ftm sub were from nonbinary individuals because it wasn't lining up with the advice I was looking for at the time.

but "tHiS iS a SpAcE fOr BiNaRy TrAnS mEn" no, it really doesn't seem like it is. It seems more like yet another space infested with 4chan and overly aggressive assholes. I've had disagreements in the past on ftmmen on more than a few things and honestly it's a little amusing that my last straw with this place has been someone calling the main ftm sub "too hugboxxy." brother do you fucking hear yourself? being nice to strangers on the internet is a bad thing? i am so glad these people have mostly sequestered themselves tbh because i am so so sick of getting downvoted for a milquetoast ass take like "men are allowed to have personalities." eyuck.

TW: gender dysphoria, body/bottom dysphoria, periods, sexual topics

I get incredibly depressed anytime I see someone who went on blockers and/or got on testosterone early. It feels dishonest to say I was traumatized by not doing so, but I feel like it had permanent effects on both my psyche and my body.
I will forever have a feminine body structure. I can try to hide it as much as I can with clothes and maybe build some muscle from testosterone, but it's always going to be there. And honestly, considering how feminine it is (like, more than most women), it probably won't help much. I just feel uncomfortable all the time. I CANNOT LOOK AT MYSELF. I see this tiny, pear-shaped body with the only big thing being my hips (I'm not exaggerating, I wish I could post pictures). I can't look at other people either, because they either look like how I want to look or remind me of the way I look.
And even things that I can supposedly change, like top surgery, leave me with massive scars that are there in plain sight. They're there as a reminder for me and, honestly, for other people too. It just feels like I can never escape being reminded of what my body is.
And honestly, why do I even care? Gender is a social construct, right? So I can just somehow get rid of these feelings, right? It's not like my autistic ass is participating in society anyway. Except apparently that doesn't make the physical dysphoria go away. I can know intellectually that gender is a construct and still look at my body and feel fucking sick about it.
And socially, it sucks as well. I don't get when people say they miss girlhood. I never got to experience that. Maybe because I'm just a bitter autist or something, but still. I'm just in my room most of the time, and I don't see how I can catch up on 10+ years of not socializing. Honestly, blockers/T wouldn't have solved that completely either, but at least I wouldn't be stuck like this physically.
And then I'm constantly reminded by “woke” folks that I'm “one of the girls.” That I “get girlhood” and understand women's bodies and stuff. Like, I guess I have more knowledge than the average man, but I don't relate to it, and it was involuntary. I don't understand how y'all exist. Even allies separate me from cis men all the time, so I feel like I'm not physically a man and not socially a man either. In what way am I a man? I don't feel some male essence mentally, and when I look at myself, I certainly don't see one, and probably never will.
If I at least had a dick as consolation, maybe I could deal with some of this, but I don't and never will. It's miserable to have a high sex drive while feeling like I can't actually get off at all. I hate feeling like I have to just resign myself to having no sex life because my body can't give me what I want. I just have this body that feels completely incompatible with what I want from sex, and it's fucking miserable.
Or with things like periods, I wish again that I had gone on blockers because now I feel tainted by it. People won't shut up about it. I don't want to talk about it. I didn't experience much physical pain from them. I mostly experienced extreme gender dysphoria, and most women cannot relate to that. And unfortunately, something I desperately want to forget includes the fact that I did feel physical pain a few times. It wasn't even that bad, I just used painkillers and probably could have gone without them, but it still feels so wrong that I have this experience at all.
I feel horrendous about how little I did to protect myself from all of this. In really strong dysphoria-oriented trans spaces, I get this horrible feeling that I didn't try hard enough. I should have tried to get on hormones sooner. I should have known earlier. And one of the more recent things I keep thinking about is that I should have pushed back harder when my doctor wanted me to see a gynecologist before letting me get HRT. Luckily, they only checked my uterus(?) through my backside, which is less dysphoria-inducing than some of the other possibilities, but I still had to get completely naked and they saw everything. I just feel so humiliated. I promised myself I would never let myself go through something like that. There had to be some other way. I feel like I failed myself by letting all this happen.
So I just lie in my bed most of the time, under the covers, and I can't even lie on my side because it makes me too aware of my body shape. It's just so tiring that even after almost a year of T, I feel like I look exactly like the same woman I looked like before. My greatest fear, that I'll become some weird, unlovable mix of male and female, is becoming reality when the only changes I can see are my voice and body hair.
I can't see the point in anything anymore. I feel disfigured, even though objectively, I would probably just be seen as a healthy and perfectly fine woman. Never a healthy, functioning male, though. Maybe I am just mentally ill for feeling like this when there's nothing really wrong with me.

I was at my grandparent's place recently, who have accepted me very, very easily.

They have, in their living room, a lot, and I do mean a lot of family pictures: themselves, their kids, grand-kids, great-grand-kids... There are some pictures of me pre-transition, and some post-transition.

My grandma confided with me that my mother (who I am very low contact with) can't even stomach looking at my pictures. She will send my father (her enabler) to turn around my frames before she enters the living room.

The fucking audacity of this woman. I hate seeing my own child self but I don't say shit because it's not my house and I understand they cherish the memories. She seriously need to get over herself.

hey all!! i’m a 20 year old trans man. for context, i do still live with my dad, my dad isn’t transphobic but is really awkward about the topic, and he is also extremely hardheaded about things he believes in. he’s known i was trans for 2 years since my college enrollment email outed my name to him.

my dad is very sure that letting me go on hrt would pose a risk to my health because of past experiences that lead to my mom’s death. long story short, she had arthritis and took medication to suppress the pain, but said medication left her more prone to developing cancer and of course the ~1% chance happened to her and they caught it too late. he’s just scared for me and doesn’t want to lose me from a medical risk that happened before, which i totally understand, but me and my gender therapist have both told him that going on hormones is a completely different idea. he refuses to believe it despite research and doesn’t want me on hormones, end of story. (i do look almost identical to my mom, which i think plays a part in his feelings as well as much as he wouldn’t want to admit it.)

now, all of that discussion happened back when i was 18 and i’ve just played nice and done it his way. but i’m so sick of living like this. going to a woke college and wanting to present as my real authentic self sounded like a perfect future, but looking like this makes me feel like a mess and it’s stunting me emotionally to unbelievable levels. i just feel like stuck and i can’t do anything about it. i know i don’t need to physically transition to be myself, but i just want to be who i envision. i’m sick of living in limbo for someone else

but here comes the other issue: my dad and i are finally on good terms after a lot of battles in my teenage years mostly over his evil ex. i finally feel like we’re in a good spot and i don’t want to break the peace by going behind his back. but he’s made it abundantly clear i cannot start hrt if he has anything to do with it. i don’t know what to do

any advice is appreciated. thank you for your time and i love you all 🫶

To put it simply my voice averages between the ranges of (Lowest Median) 220- 255 (Highest possible pitch I go, I go this high almost every time I’ve tested my pitch). Aka. I have the voice of a Pre-Pubescent CHILD. I am 20. I HATE IT. This is why everybody treats me as a child. This is why everyone misgenders me. I don’t know why I’m this way. Why?? I don’t know. I went to speech therapy up until I graduated high school and my teacher couldn’t help me. Is this hormonal?? I thought I had high testosterone since I have more body hair than average + period issues but I’m wondering if the hair might just be genetics.

I hate it though. And I have no idea how to fix it. If it is hormonal (like low testosterone) I wonder if I can convince my parents to let me go on Testosterone this way. I have no idea. I think I’m going crazy due to my dysphoria at this point. I just keep complaining and complaining and trying to find solutions and answers and I keep getting things wrong. Idk. I just need to find something to help.

Edit: Sorry quick edit, realised I wrote 200 not 220.

I have bpd and I legit just cant take T. The hormonal swing, no matter how low and slow I start, makes me want to off myself and I blow up on everyone around me. But off T, Im fairly stable until specifically triggered. On T, Im just on the verge of blowing up all the time. Anger, sadness, frustration, overwhelm, whatever it is. Sometimes I dont even know what I'm feeling. I just know that I'm feeling it too much. And its so hard to not lash out because of it.

I also hate the libido changes. Right now Im horny maybe twice a month, and I like it that way. I dont like the feeling of losing control of my body. I dont like being physically horny when mentally or emotionally Im not there. I like the masculinization I get on T, but the skin changes, the head and body hair changes, the body smell changes, the weight flucuation, the water retention, all these things that arent necessarily good or bad/that I dont really hate or like either way pile up and even though I know they're going to happen, I still dont have control of what happens when and how bad it'll be. And I do not like the feeling of not having control. But obviously you cant pick and choose what happens and when on T.

I also can't stand the mental changes. I get such bad brainfog and I just feel mentally unsteady. Which probably contributes to the mood swings. I just dont feel like Im in my body. More like someone else is piloting and Im stuck watching.

I've been stalking detrans spaces for awhile (avoiding the terfy shit though) and so many of them seem to find some sort of happiness or contentness in presenting as cis again, even the ones who still experience some dysphoria. Maybe I can too? I know I can be a trans man without taking T but Im already trying that and now theres rumors at work that Im "secretly a woman." So. Fuck that I guess.

The current plan right now is to try to get jacked and see if that helps. Even if I end up just giving up on living as a man, maybe muscle will help me feel better about it. Thats something I know I want either way.

I’m getting a haircut tomorrow and my parents HATE the way I style my hair. When I go my mom ALWAYS goes with me to make sure that I don’t get a “bad looking” style. (I got a mullet a two years ago and it was the best I’ve ever felt about myself but then it ended up in my parents hating it and screaming at each other and then saying I looked horrible). Since then my mom always tells the hair dresser how to cut my hair and they end up give giving me the flattest bob ever. I usually cut it a little bit more when I get home because it makes me so dysphoric that I cry for hours on end. But I’m so anxious to get a haircut again because I know it’ll happen to me yet again. I guess I go back to school soon and I can cut my own hair then.. but part of me doesn’t even know if I can survive that long with a fuckass bob.

It also hurts really bad when your parents know you felt so confident looking one way and then told you that you looked horrible to your face.

I’ll take and really appreciate any advice on how to “fix” getting a bob afterwards and making it more masculine. I’d be really embarrassed getting to school looking really feminine and weird and then trying to convince everyone I’m a man…

Tagging this as NSFW just because of mentions of body parts and the concept of the deed, but nothing graphic or explicit. Better safe than sorry.

Watched Heated Rivalry with a friend who LOVES IT recently. I liked it. I just have such a hard time with shows that have two cis gay men in a relationship and it's so *lovely*. Ofc they have their issues, but that's not what I'm talking about. I just can't get over the grief of never being able to have that.

Even if folks use the right pronouns, even if I pass in my face and with my clothes on, even if the sound of my voice is right, I will never be cis. I will never have what they have. I will never be able to experience that kind of physical connection, and any romantic connection I do have will always be underscored by the insecurity that they will always see me as a woman, or as a man who is wrong. I hate wanting something I can never have. I pass fine in general, but that's with clothes on. Underneath, my body is all kinds of weird. Curves and fat in the wrong places, very wide hips, a vulva, knees that angle the wrong way, a chest that only exists because of a surgeon's delicate work. Even if I lost some weight and built more muscle, I cannot change my bones. I cannot change my history. I cannot change the way that I am. I will never get to experience intimacy in that way, a way that feels holy and pure and perfect in my mind.

I haven't been in a relationship in a long time. I am afraid to be, and everyone is disgusted and perturbed by me anyways. I will always be a woman to the mlm people I know. And to any of the female or nonbinary folks I know, I am a man lite. I'm different than a real man. I'm nice and feminine and not like those evil cis men they hate. I'm still a man, but only a man on their terms. And even if this isn't true, if they don't think that, they don't need to. I have already decided that it is what they think for them. I am not cis, so I will never be secure in being seen the same way as a cis person. Because I'm not.

And people will say "trying to pass is silly, you're a real man no matter what" and "just go t4t" and I get that. I understand that works for you. It does not work for me. I am a social creature situated in a social world. In my own eyes, it is hard for me to be a man unless others also wholly recognize me as one. It doesn't matter as much outside of dating, but inside of that? It is important to me. It is important to me that my partner can see the whole of me and my body and see me as a man. And not only say that, but truly believe it. And I want to believe it too. It is hard for me to see my own body in the context of those situations and understand myself as being a man. Why would someone see my wide hips and vulva and see me as a man? They wouldn't. That doesn't make any sense. And as for t4t, I'm not against it, but I don't want to wlak around the entire world on a sheet of ice. I dont want to shrink my dating people to only trans people. I want to be understood by other people too. I want the same privileges as a cis man in the dating world. I don't want to have to feel like some little freak who can only date other trans people because he's so fucking sensitive. And even then, I won't believe they actually will see me as myself. Even to another trans person, especially in an explicitly t4t relationship, I will always be trans before I am a man.

I don't want to be a TRANS man. I just want to be a man. I don't necessarily want to be a cis man either, there's no point in that, but I envy the way they are just men. There's no modifier. They just are. I just want to be a man. And I feel like a fucking girl. A little girl. Like that is all anyone will ever see underneath my clothes and posturing.

Also, no hate to anyone who doesn't care about passing or is exclusively t4t. That's cool. It's just not for me!

Hey guys. I recently just got a new job as a house cleaner so I’ll be doing things like wiping tables, vacuuming, mopping, etc. I had opportunities to have manlier jobs but this one paid so well and seemed relatively low maintenance so I took it. I’m excited about it and happy, but a small part of me feels kind of bad because it’s not “manly enough”. Like, what guy is a freaking house cleaner? It feels really emasculating and makes me sorta dysphoric, even tho it’s just a transitional job, really. I really wanna be a farmer, and I’ll start doing farm work soon as a volunteer and hopefully be able to land an actual job from the experience. But yeah. This one makes me feel like a maid and really feminine so I guess I’m just searching for reassurance