r/FTMventing

I will never feel complete. How do I suck it up and just move on instead of being consumed by dysphoria and hopelessness. How do I force myself to love being trans like so many trans men I see who seem so proud and happy of this thing that has seemingly robbed me of so many good things in life. How do I accept I will always be incomplete and that's fine because I can't be another way no matter what and I'm still just another fellow human being at the end of day, even being unlovable and deformed and forever cursed to feel incomplete. How do I force myself to love the things that have hollowed me out. How do I force myself to love what makes me want to die.

i’m 16 and can’t start t (through a doctor) without parental consent. they won’t consent

i think about it constantly

it’s ruined how ive seen my parents

i feel utterly hopeless

i wish i could just die

"Gender is what's inbetween your head. Sex is what's inbetween your legs"

Okay, sure, whatever with the oversimplification... but what about once you use HRT and/or have surgeries?

If someone was:

• Raised assigned female at birth
• Been on T for years
• Had a total hystoectomy
• Had a vaginectomy and metoidioplasty

Should they put "F" or "M" on their documents? Are they still considered female because of gametes and chromosones and whatnot? If not, when did they "become" male?

I feel like discussions of sex are way too overdone. Sex is not important in day-to-day life. Your specific anatomy is, but that isn't tied to one gender or sex over another.

- I'm painfully jealous of cis boys whenever I see them

- If I eat way less it will give me a less feminine body and my period will stop, though my height will be stunted. I wasn't gonna be that tall anyway cuz my mom is 4'11 and my dad isn't that tall. I needa lose weight cuz even though I'm not overweight I have chubby, distinctly feminine shaped cheeks on my face that nuke everything cuz my face is kinda masculine besides that.

- Since I'm fembrained as hell (I don't like it so I'm working on changing that), have a female childhood and experience, and a female body, I will always be different from cis boys

- Everyone who knew me as female before will definitely still see me as female if I transition

- The process would be embarrassing. I'd be like "Hey guys I'm one of da bois now rite?!?!?!?" especially since I used to have an insufferable, pathetic, gigafembrained personality and still sorta do. Why do I think I could ever be a boy? Trying feels fake

- My parents and family would hate me

- The majority of the world would hate my guts and see me as weird and spoiled

- Transitioning is expensive and doesn't seem like a good cure since I cannot be a cis boy

- This is probably just my version of the not like other girls phase, I must have hella internalized misogyny

- I should accept being female. In life you can't get everything you want so I should just accept things. There are people with way worse circumstances and I'm complaining and hating myself over being something 50% of the world is. I'm young so I should be focusing on academics instead of this shit (but I do focus on academics already idk)

- My ideal self is without this trans shit is a normie who marries a smart and nice man and starts a family normally and is normal and lives a normal life and satisfies my parents

- When I get older and have to date I'd be undesirable since I'd lack yk and would be very short, if someone ever dates me they probably see me as a woman, I also couldn't start a family normally

- Transitioning is not worth it for me if I can't be a cis boy

- I just wanna be normal

It's upsetting that I'm starting to feel aversion towards trans women and transfems. I don't want to be that kind of person. Yet I still find myself thinking "oh, of course you're/she's transfem 🙄" in certain moments.

I don't want to think these things, and I don't know if it's just the dysphoria talking or if I'm genuinely misogynistic towards trans women and transfems. Either way, it sucks.

...

It might be a mix of projecting my dysphoria on others (it genuinely stings so much that other people can be happy about having breasts or being feminine, while I'm suffering because I can't even get top surgery paying out of my own pocket since my country has a very strict BMI requirement for mastectomy. and i am about 10-15 points too high, so i gotta lose weight (which is so easy when you have PMOS/PCOS /s)) and feeling punished for wanting to be more masculine (the growing trend of anti masculinity within the queer community is proof of that).

I just don't know what to do to make these feelings go away.

i’m drunk and tired so this may not make sense.
i really like this girl who happens to be straight, but seemingly not interested in trans men. i’ve been on hormones for two years and pass socially, but physically underneath i’m still yet to have anything done.
the problem is that she doesn’t like trans guys romantically. it’s such a small thing in the grand scheme of things but i don’t feel like i’ll be enough. no matter how many surgery’s i get, i wont ever feel right in my body.
i just want to be loved, to have a connection with someone that doesn’t see me as just a trans guy or a fetish object.

Idk if this is serious enough to be in this sub but I'm pretty ticked off

Hey. I'm a 20 year old trans man. Been on a waitinglist for a gender clinic since I was 18, and still got 2 years to go on my current waitinglist. It's been hell. I got unsupportive parents and I'm dealing with a lot of gender dysphoria.

Since a year I've been knowing about another gender clinic with only a waitinglist of 4 months max. They have a special register way, where they open the register button for a few minutes every first monday of the month. This isn't every month, though. To keep the waitinglist so short they look if they have space for more people. then they open the register button. I got some trans friends and have spoken many that got help at this gender clinic. They're happy they did it. This gender clinic doesn't let your GP or psychologist register, you have to do it yourself, at 9 am of the first monday of the month.... Tomorrow.

I talked with my psychologist about this gender clinic. She told me to do it. After I register I have to get a referral of my GP.

I'm just really scared... I'm suffering so much because of gender dysphoria. But I haven't told my parents I want to register here yet. My psychologist told me to worry about that later and just care for what's best for me right now, wich is to register. I'm just really not good with unknown things... And I'm so worried to tall my parents about it later. I'm just scared for this new path I'm walking. I guess I just need some reassurance or just to share this with someone. I'm really nervous.

(when i mention "love" I mean it in a romantic sense, I'm aware that's not the only kind of love) just venting, it's been 5 months. It has gotten a bit easier, not less painful but different. Being a gay trans man feels like a cruel joke sometimes, like we exist to be fetishised for a year at most but when it comes to love we're worthless..

Had sex with someone recently and he seemed nice but he ghosted me. we had a nice date and the conversation was good, made each other laugh but I guess he wants something different and that's ok, just would've helped to know his intentions from the start. Maybe I shouldn't have had sex with him so quickly but it feels like sex is all people want me for, so I may as well give the people what they want.

It's less that i miss the person who broke up with me 5 months ago (though I do) and more that I feel like love is even harder for men like me to experience and impossible to keep.

I want to believe that love could exist for me, but with the trans thing and many other issues that will take many years and lots of money I don't have to fix, this is probably as good as it gets. I don't know, it gets to me sometimes. I know I should give up and focus on myself, but I dreamed of being a husband, building a home and a life with someone I love and it sucks to grieve a future I never had a chance to have.

As the title suggests I’ve been struggling with finding out if I actually want a relationship, I’m just lonely, or feeling like I should want a relationship.

I’ve been single the entire time I’ve been transitioning. I had top surgery about six months ago and I’ve been on T for three years. Overall I’m happy with the way I look, more muscle mass would be nice but I don’t have the energy or time to workout (I work on a farm). I was talking with friends recently about struggling with the dating world. Things like I can’t imagine someone finding me attractive, I don’t think im ugly but if someone called me hot or something I wouldn’t believe them. My dislike/extreme discomfort with physical touch. And my inability to make time for dating. They suggesting things like you’re probably not your own type, I may be on the Ace spectrum, or maybe it’s just not time for it.

People have told me that it sounds like I might Ace given my hatred of touch and my lack of patience with ppl (behind the scenes I maintain composure well). Ive gone through different periods of my life and I still have this desire to be with someone. Maybe it’s a desire to be desired but it’s hard to say. I’m in my early twenties and still a virgin part of me wants to have sex but another part I haven’t seen a person in real life that wasn’t a total stranger and been like yeah I’d hit that. On the one hand I want someone to share my life with cuddle with and all that, but on the other I don’t want to be constantly held accountable to someone. I don’t like the idea of someone hanging out in my room or hanging of me.

My therapist says I tend to be pretty rigid. If I were to date I’d have to loosen up my routines and structures. But I really don’t want to do that, I thrive off my rountine and doing the same thing, that way I know what to expect. I don’t know where a relationship would fit into my schedule. Do I not want a relationship badly enough? If I truly wanted one, wouldn’t I be more comfortable loosening up? What do my peers seem to have natural success finding partners in the wild (yes they are queer and trans equal playing field) but I don’t? Do I not give off a vibe that reads “datable”?

I hate that the majority of advice for trans ppl regarding data is to use dating apps, but those don’t work for me. I’ve tried consistently for four years to no success. I feel like I’m more likely to fine faults in someone through an app compared to in person.

Any advice would be appreciated! My emotions are frazzled and I don’t know what to think/ do

Have a great day

(Warning, this is a nonsensical rant. I am not mentally okay.)

I think it’s OCD but it feels like cheating to say that. I went down a spiral on Reddit trying to ask people in the trans community for advice on what I was, and now I’m convinced I’m a lesbian and not trans.

All it takes is a single person to confidently tell me I’m XYZ identity that I don’t identify with and it’s over for me. I went from thinking I was a gay trans guy, to questioning why I started out as a lesbian, and then when I went online to ask about it, it just confirmed that I was a lesbian this whole time. I’m too afraid to talk about it anymore because I know I sound crazy. But I always want to cry about it. It makes me feel lesbophobic that it genuinely makes me depressed to be perceived as a lesbian, or even a straight man.

Oh yeah that’s another thing. I’ve had people suggest I’m a straight trans man, and for some reason that felt worse? Because now I don’t even want to transition anymore if that’s the end result, because I don’t want to date women. I’ve tried, and I don’t enjoy it.

I know I sound like a crazy person but I’m so depressed right now, I feel like the depression has eaten away at my brain and now I don’t want to transition anymore, but I hate that I don’t want to transition. Like the depression has eaten away at my brain and now I’m actually crazy or something. I wish I was born male.

I don't understand my brain at all. I know Ive developed an eating disorder and can't help the urge to slim myself down, but that merely emphasizes the bone structure beneath that makes me want to paint the wall with my brain matter. I have a literal 5 inch difference between my hips and waist. I have such a defined fucking set of hip dips. My torso is so short. I just look like an ugly girl. Undeniably female. If I gained weight it might help but I'm too obsessed with wanting to be skinny in the same way real men can be. But my hip bones protruding so aggressively will never let me. My thighs insist on being so obscenely thick. I have such a defined curve on my lower back that makes my ass pop out, and I have a lot of it. Not even nice ass though, just fat and wrinkly and undefined. I'm so fucking disgusting. No wonder I should starve myself.

I HATEMY HIPS I FUCKING HATE MY HIPS I WANT TO OPEN MY SKIN AND JUST SNAP OFF THE EDGES OF MY FUCKING PELVIS MAKING MY HIPS SO WIDE I FUCKING HATE

my life sucks. like, really sucks. i'm not in a safe place. i don't have any friends or access to safe people. i have my casually transphobic parents who abuse me for other reasons and that's it.

I need to stop being me. it's making it too hard to exist when i'm just abused for it. being trans isn't safe. i need to detransition. I already went off t because my mom was abusing me more being sexually inappropriate in speaking to me. and i had no support and had to keep pretending my voice wasn't changing because she would mock me. and mock my body hair and everything about me. And then she praises me when i'm "pretty" to her. soft. I get praise for being a girl but i get abused more for being a boy. So why the fuck would i want to be a boy? the abuse is already to the point where i'm not able to live. my mom loves it when i'm her little girl. i'm her favorite doll and play thing. and she hates men, finds them disgusting and blames them for everything in her life, and will be virulently misandrist.

why can't I just be myself? why is nobody letting me exist?

i'd be lucky if somebody would marry me and help me escape my abusive household. nobody is going to want to do that to a man. or an "it". or whatever the fuck i am. I need to be a woman. i need to be woman to access help or even get it.

i don't want to be trans. I just want to be happy. i can't do both or either. so i'm choosing whatever keeps me alive. and honestly i'm not sure which one that is anymore, i just know i don't get to be trans. That's a privilege i've never been able to have and it was stupid to think i had the choice over my own identity or body. I will always be a girl and I will always exist for others to use. that's my purpose. to be a girl.

i'm going to try harder to be a girl. That's my only option. I'm never escaping this house, this abuse. Everybody wants a girl. So that's what i'm going to be.

My sister told my mom that I was ftm one time I tried to kms and I feel like my mom has hated me even more ever since that but while I was in the hospital she said she didn't care what gender I was but I feel like she was just lying, because now any time I present as masc she always says something negative about it and she hates how I bind my chest and tells me that I'm not a man so I should stop trying to be one and almost everyday she talks about how she hates LGBTQ and gay ppl and she said "don't make me hate you too" which really hurt me, and other things she's said that have really hurt me include "I can't wait until you go on vacation with your dad so I can get a break from you" "I wish I never had you at all" "what are you even here for" "I'm useless/worthless and good for nothing" and anytime I make a mistake doing a chore she claims that I do it on purpose as revenge because apparently I'm mad that I have to do chores and then she calls me petty and a load of offensive slurs, and anytime she has to take me to a therapy appointment in the morning she complains and says "I could be getting stuff done right now but instead I have to go to therapy with crazy people" and she's super religious and is always talking about how God made men and women to be partners not so women could fuck other women or men fuck other men. She also said the reason God sank that city was because of ppl like me and idk what city she's talking about and she said I would know if I ever picked up a bible, my older sister isn't supportive either and constantly tells me I'm not a man, and my dad thinks the idea of changing genders is crazy nonsense but I don't talk to him much because he lives in a different country, also anytime I cry my mom says "men don't cry and I thought you were a man what happened" and she's the one that fuckin makes me cry and I've seen my dad cry at his mom's grave so I guess he's a woman now. She's so sexist about male stereotypes it's so annoying because if someone was sexist to her about women she would be so mad. And she's also racist to me because I'm the only mixed person in my family and she constantly calls me white and anytime I get in trouble she says it's because of my dad's white genes, atp I feel like she'll never accept me so I'm literally thinking about running away and living with my gf until I'm 18 or smth, sometimes I wish my mom would die or just disappear from my life. But ever since I tried to kms she doesn't beat me anymore so at least that's better

I’m just depressed and disconnected from reality. Literally nothing helps. And this subreddit kinda feels like screaming into the void too.

i’ll never be a real boy. i’ll never experience the things i should have. i’ll forever be stuck with having a “girl childhood”. i’ll forever be stuck with baby photos of me in pink blankets and “princess” written all over it. i’ll forever have these pathetic delicate bones and small shoulders but big fat wide hips i cant even cut down because its all bone. i’ll never be able to just throw on whatever i want without worrying if it highlights my chest or shows off my hips. i’ll forever be a female. i have nothing, not even my own body.

Hi all, this is a rough one, and I’m not really sure who to talk to about it but I want to get it off my chest. my boyfriend is bi, I’m a trans man, and recently I’ve been able to make some moves to start testosterone by going privately. I just need a blood test and should be smooth sailing from there.

My boyfriend has brought up how starting testosterone will bring a lot of changes (naturally) and that he’s scared he won’t want to be with me because he loves me for me, and sees a future of us together as I am now, and that he’s sees me as a guy anyway, and that alot of people do (I do not pass). He said he doesn’t want to lose me and he loves me a lot but he’s scared that the changes will change the things he fell in love with me for, and that he’d still love me as a person, but if there’s no physical attraction then the relationship can become stale. He’s said he would date a cis man and all that jazz, but I think he’s just scared of me changing

I don’t want to leave him, but I’m also not going to not go on testosterone when I’ve been waiting for this for years and years. I understand his fears I suppose, and I know that he finds change scary, so do I, but ough. He keeps asking me if there’s any alternative things he or I can do to help me feel more masculine and comfortable because he says he doesn’t want to lose me, but I truly don’t know how to answer that

He and I have both been really upset about this, because obviously he still loves me, and part of me thinks he’s getting in his own head about it and overthinking it a bit, part of me hopes he’ll still love me as I change and grow, another part of me thinks this is wishful thinking.

At this point, I reserve the right to my fucking bitterness. None of you support me and when I try to say anything to correct you, you get angry at me. Shut up and take my bitterness as this point, I don’t care.

Wrong pronouns, deadnaming, etc. Shut up. I’m in my 30s, I’m tired of being everyone’s punching bag. Absolutely sick and fucking tired of it.

None of you even say it’s cause of transphobia or whatever, you guys just don’t support be really. Admit that to yourselves and stop pretending. You’re all lucky I won’t just burn all the pictures of me growing up because I really want to.

For context, I was told this today by my grandmother. I don’t even care how bitter this post sounds at this point because I am bitter. I hate them. All of them.

...very sad that I have been and will be rejected as a top for not having a natal cis penis. I feel a deep sense of grief about the fact that I can't ejaculate inside someone, which is something so many bottoms crave and something I would love to be able to give them. I'm also deeply wounded by the fact that very few people (including other trans guys) see my body the way I see it: that I *do* have a dick, it's just very small, and sometimes I need tools to be able to fuck the way I want to.

I respect people's preferences. I don't think I'm entitled to anyone's body, nor do I think anyone is obligated to sleep with me. I'm just tired of feeling invisible or overlooked.

I don't think I'll ever be able to have phallo, but I'm planning on having extended meta, which I'm very excited about. I know I also need to work on my sense of self.

Vent over! Tonight is just a rough night. If anyone else feels the way I do, it would be reassuring to hear from you.