u/Over_Discount_4880

dysphoria is making it so that nothing really makes me happy anymore. i just need testosterone but my parents are withholding it from me. i feel sick constantly and when i see myself i wish i never existed to begin with. i relate to none of my friends and even none of my trans friends because they’re all gnc and im binary and they don’t view transition as a necessity. i’m just so upset all the time and hate everything about my life except my friends and my gf

i’m never going to be cis. i can’t get any gender affirming care because im a minor. what’s the point in living?

my friend who is in my section in marching band’s body is exactly how i wish mine was. we talk about working out when we are together and that’s affirming. we also talk about him doing steroids and me starting…. t, but it’s in a joking manner. i wonder if we actually will once i bite the bullet and just order it.
His gym progress actually shows while mine doesn’t. even then he’s insecure, claims he wants to do peptides and confides in me that he doesn’t like his body and wish he was more muscular. i wish he knew how i felt about him. i tried to tell him that id kill for his body or to just be born male and he kinda chuckled (not in a mean way).

today he referred to me with a pronoun but i couldn’t tell if it was he she or they because i had earplugs in. i wonder what he said.

he’s also an inch or two taller than me and actually looks like a guy. he’s also objectively physically attractive which just makes it worse. i know he sees me as a weird third gender or just a girl instead of a regular guy and it cuts me up inside. i have band camp every day for the rest of the week and will see him for all of it. i just want to cry. he’s so much more handsome than i’ll ever be. his jawline is perfect, his legs are long, he has no hips, he has body hair, and even his acne looks masculine. when he pulled the sleeves of his tshirt up and tucked it in so that it looked sleeveless, he had no fat between his armpit and chest like i do because i have d cups.

i just feel sick. i’m going to have to do this for the next 5 days in the blazing sun with my binder sticking to my back and my head killing me. i truly see no point in anything

i can’t keep going like this. i’m 16 and can’t start t until 18. nothing feels worth it anymore. i wish i could close my eyes tonight and not wake up. why doesn’t anyone care

i’m really upset that i’ll be 5’7” for the rest of my life. i get ire “good” for being a trans man, but im just jealous of the men in my family who are 6’0 etc.

i just want to start hrt now. i’m sick of waiting. i could do it myself but i know my parents would make me feel crazy guilty for it

i’m 16. can’t start t till AT LEAST 17 and at most 18. but i can’t deal with not being born male. i see no point in living if im not a man. i can’t keep going . i want help i want anyone to talk to me

looking for more trans friends or anyone in general to yap with

i like music and cowboys

they’re the only thing between me and transitioning. i can’t cope anymore. i’m going to die soon

i’ve come to terms with the fact that i will die without t. i can’t wait 2 years.

i distract myself so i don’t die. i can’t even transition until im 18, so 2 years, and ive been distracting myself until then since ive found out i was trans. waiting is torture. feeling myself being trapped in my body is torture.

i try to distract myself, i workout, i see friends, during the school year i focus on schoolwork, but nothing works. i am sitting by idly as my life slips away all because my parents won’t just allow me to start t. it makes me want to hurt myself. i think about hurting myself constantly.

i want help. i have a therapist and a gender specialist but it does nothing because they can’t change my parent’s minds that ill somehow regret it when im older. if two doctors couldn’t convince them, i never will.

i will die before i look how i should. i will die before i am the person i should be. i dream about dying most nights and wake up feeling sick because its not real. i dream about truly living some nights and wake up even sicker.

i dont know how to go on. i’m sick of distracting myself. very little brings me pleasure anymore. i’ve had an awful week. i got my wisdom teeth out then fainted in the shower and busted my nose and had to go to the hospital. i’m tired. i want out.

if you want to message me, please do. i guess misery loves company and im lonely.

i’m 16 and can’t start t (through a doctor) without parental consent. they won’t consent

i think about it constantly

it’s ruined how ive seen my parents

i feel utterly hopeless

i wish i could just die

my girlfriend is in bed asleep next to me. i can’t stop crying about not being on t, and deeper, not being born a man so not wanting to live. i’m sick of this. i feel this way constantly but it worsens every night. i feel worse than i did yesterday. i feel worse every day.

I know you probably see me posting here a lot, so honestly feel free to ignore this. This is maybe the first post i’ve made in awhile where it wasn’t just stream of consciousness but that I actually re-read and tried to make semi-coherent.

I really cannot see a future for myself because i have no male sex characteristics. i was born female. i will never have a penis unless i get surgery and even then i don’t love the results personally, even after medical tattooing and revisions etc. i also hate my chest, but i guess i don’t feel as bad about it because i know i could get top surgery once I’m an adult.

I’m going to be 5’7” for the rest of my life. my hips will always look like this. it really all just makes me so sick.

It feels like nothing anyone will say anymore can help me. i’ve been struggling bad with thinking about dying (i have no plan, i am not in immediate danger).

Very few things keep me going because i know that i will not ever live the life i want, and the life i know i deserve but was too misfortunate to have.

I’ve tried everything: religion, working out, trying to just ignore it, but nothing works. i can’t believe in any higher power when i was “”””lucky”””” enough to be in a small portion of people who were born in the wrong body. i barely see any progress with working out because of my lack of testosterone. i can’t ignore my feelings anymore. things that i usually only feel at night bleed into the daytime, even while I’m doing things that i find pleasurable.

Both my therapist and my gender specialist try to get me to focus on ways other than testosterone to try to feel fulfilled (my parents are against me starting t before 18, which just kills me, because what’s the difference between a 17 and a half year old and an 18 year old other than the law?) but it just makes me get angry and lash out at them. do they think i haven’t thought about working out, voice training, etc? it makes me feel crazy. my specialist acknowledges that i am completely frustrated and fed up as i told him i was considering the thing i cannot talk about in this sub. not that that changes the fact that my parents will never let me transition underage.

I’m losing my entire teenage years (and college years, because once I’m in college i’ll barely have been on t) and i just feel like I’m missing out on everything. i’ve already lost my childhood due to kind of strange and complex trauma + undiagnosed ocd and I’m just heartbroken that i know i will lose more.

I only pass half of the time in public.

What kills me most out of all of this is the fact that i KNOW i am trans, but i have no agency to do anything about it unless I do the thing that I cannot talk about in this sub, but i feel like I’m running out of time despite everyone saying that I’m so young. ive already lost so much time and I’m helpless to losing more.

It feels like the only emotions i feel anymore are anger, loathing, and annoyance. i only feel happy when i’m with my friends but even then i feel dysphoria weighing on me, especially when im with my cis male friends. i’m happy with my girlfriend, but being with her reminds me i don’t have a penis and cannot have intercourse the way i wish i could.

Even worse, I find myself getting annoyed at other trans men (especially around my age) who act like being trans is awesome and something they don’t mind. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be proud to be trans, you should, it’s just when others act like it isn’t genuinely just torture I guess it upsets me. Their experiences aren’t the same as mine though, but still, I can’t help but get frustrated.

In the movie Donnie Darko , Jake Gyllenhaal’s character Donnie says “What’s the point in living if you don’t have a dick?” and sure, he might be talking about smurfs there, but i can’t help but relate.

This is long winded and stupid and the same shit i post daily but i just feel like I’m on the end of my rope. hell, i’ve been getting worse daily for the past year, my post history alone shows that.

I guess I want attention. I guess I want help. but realistically i know nobody on reddit can help me, and nobody in real life can probably help me either. still i’m posting, and I feel pathetic.

TLDR; watch Donnie Darko (2001)

i have the money to transition. i have the access to doctors. but my parents are dragging their feet about hormone blockers and are against me starting t. i’m frustrated. i’m trapped constantly. i think about hurting myself almost every day. i’m tired worst of all. i just wish i could close my eyes and wake up in the right body, or maybe not at all.

as the days progress i feel less and less able to keep pushing. i’m sick of trying. im sick of fighting to start t with my parents. i’m sick of living in this body. i hate to all. only my friends and girlfriend keep me here.

i know all of the things like ‘hold out so you can transition and prove them wrong!’ but i just have no energy to do much anymore.

i’m tired. i want comfort. i will never receive it from a father figure. i’ll never receive it from anyone older than me. i’m tired

i wish i had to shave every day. i wish id have a beard when im in my twenties. doubt i will. i’m 16 and can’t start t through a doctor