u/Over_Discount_4880

i’m 16 and can’t start t (through a doctor) without parental consent. they won’t consent

i think about it constantly

it’s ruined how ive seen my parents

i feel utterly hopeless

i wish i could just die

my girlfriend is in bed asleep next to me. i can’t stop crying about not being on t, and deeper, not being born a man so not wanting to live. i’m sick of this. i feel this way constantly but it worsens every night. i feel worse than i did yesterday. i feel worse every day.

I know you probably see me posting here a lot, so honestly feel free to ignore this. This is maybe the first post i’ve made in awhile where it wasn’t just stream of consciousness but that I actually re-read and tried to make semi-coherent.

I really cannot see a future for myself because i have no male sex characteristics. i was born female. i will never have a penis unless i get surgery and even then i don’t love the results personally, even after medical tattooing and revisions etc. i also hate my chest, but i guess i don’t feel as bad about it because i know i could get top surgery once I’m an adult.

I’m going to be 5’7” for the rest of my life. my hips will always look like this. it really all just makes me so sick.

It feels like nothing anyone will say anymore can help me. i’ve been struggling bad with thinking about dying (i have no plan, i am not in immediate danger).

Very few things keep me going because i know that i will not ever live the life i want, and the life i know i deserve but was too misfortunate to have.

I’ve tried everything: religion, working out, trying to just ignore it, but nothing works. i can’t believe in any higher power when i was “”””lucky”””” enough to be in a small portion of people who were born in the wrong body. i barely see any progress with working out because of my lack of testosterone. i can’t ignore my feelings anymore. things that i usually only feel at night bleed into the daytime, even while I’m doing things that i find pleasurable.

Both my therapist and my gender specialist try to get me to focus on ways other than testosterone to try to feel fulfilled (my parents are against me starting t before 18, which just kills me, because what’s the difference between a 17 and a half year old and an 18 year old other than the law?) but it just makes me get angry and lash out at them. do they think i haven’t thought about working out, voice training, etc? it makes me feel crazy. my specialist acknowledges that i am completely frustrated and fed up as i told him i was considering the thing i cannot talk about in this sub. not that that changes the fact that my parents will never let me transition underage.

I’m losing my entire teenage years (and college years, because once I’m in college i’ll barely have been on t) and i just feel like I’m missing out on everything. i’ve already lost my childhood due to kind of strange and complex trauma + undiagnosed ocd and I’m just heartbroken that i know i will lose more.

I only pass half of the time in public.

What kills me most out of all of this is the fact that i KNOW i am trans, but i have no agency to do anything about it unless I do the thing that I cannot talk about in this sub, but i feel like I’m running out of time despite everyone saying that I’m so young. ive already lost so much time and I’m helpless to losing more.

It feels like the only emotions i feel anymore are anger, loathing, and annoyance. i only feel happy when i’m with my friends but even then i feel dysphoria weighing on me, especially when im with my cis male friends. i’m happy with my girlfriend, but being with her reminds me i don’t have a penis and cannot have intercourse the way i wish i could.

Even worse, I find myself getting annoyed at other trans men (especially around my age) who act like being trans is awesome and something they don’t mind. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be proud to be trans, you should, it’s just when others act like it isn’t genuinely just torture I guess it upsets me. Their experiences aren’t the same as mine though, but still, I can’t help but get frustrated.

In the movie Donnie Darko , Jake Gyllenhaal’s character Donnie says “What’s the point in living if you don’t have a dick?” and sure, he might be talking about smurfs there, but i can’t help but relate.

This is long winded and stupid and the same shit i post daily but i just feel like I’m on the end of my rope. hell, i’ve been getting worse daily for the past year, my post history alone shows that.

I guess I want attention. I guess I want help. but realistically i know nobody on reddit can help me, and nobody in real life can probably help me either. still i’m posting, and I feel pathetic.

TLDR; watch Donnie Darko (2001)

i have the money to transition. i have the access to doctors. but my parents are dragging their feet about hormone blockers and are against me starting t. i’m frustrated. i’m trapped constantly. i think about hurting myself almost every day. i’m tired worst of all. i just wish i could close my eyes and wake up in the right body, or maybe not at all.

as the days progress i feel less and less able to keep pushing. i’m sick of trying. im sick of fighting to start t with my parents. i’m sick of living in this body. i hate to all. only my friends and girlfriend keep me here.

i know all of the things like ‘hold out so you can transition and prove them wrong!’ but i just have no energy to do much anymore.

i’m tired. i want comfort. i will never receive it from a father figure. i’ll never receive it from anyone older than me. i’m tired

i wish i had to shave every day. i wish id have a beard when im in my twenties. doubt i will. i’m 16 and can’t start t through a doctor

i was in therapy today and realized that when i fantasize about being a cis guy, it usually is along with a connection to a father figure. i also project myself onto cis male characters who have a sort of male mentor/father figure.

i don’t know. i just want a mentally stable guy to look up to who isn’t my dad i guess.

i will never have a penis and it kills me. i wish i could for myself. i wish i could for my girlfriend.

he started t at 16. i will never be like him. i am done.

my body is completely wrong. i see no point in living. i can’t even start t through a doctor either. this all feels so worthless. all i feel constantly is loathing and depression. i’m tired of having to get up and keep going every day. i think about hurting myself a lot.

i don’t care about anything anymore. what’s the point in living if i’m not cis? i’m tired of all of this. i’m tired of having to prove to my parents and doctors that im trans should start hrt because they’re never going to agree because im 16. it’s all so fucking useless and it makes me so mad that i just can’t keep going

in pictures with them i stick out terribly despite doing everything to pass. i just need t but my parents wont let me

i have no fucking motivation to keep going. i’m 16. i’m fat. my boobs are huge. i can’t start t through a doctor because of my parents. i just want to die. i’m only still here because of my girlfriend and my friends. i’m tired i just want anyone to treat me like a kid (that can make his own decisions) and me nice to me

i’m 16. my parents won’t let me start. i’m fucked. please anyone talk to me

Not sure if i can secure blood tests. would gel have less risk of health issues over injections?

sh, suicide warning

i’m in marching band. i adore my section. i’m the captain and i love band. i also love my friends, t, r, g, and m, but i just cannot deal with the envy i feel for them. i stare at m’s neck and shoulders constantly. r’s muscular body is perfect. g just looks like a teenage boy. t is skinny and flat as a board. whenever i get home from band i cry in the shower and think about hurting myself because my experience to truly be their peers and be male was stolen from me. i dont think about anything other than dysphoria anymore. i often think about at the least relapsing on sh and at the most just ending my life. they all look so much better in the uniform than i do. i cant even look at myself when im in it.

has anyone else done marching band as a trans man? how do i cope? i’m so close to just ending it

being trans has ruined my whole life. i genuinely cannot enjoy nearly anything anymore. i’m only 16 why do i have to feel like this

why do you get to start t through a doctor but i can’t? i have to take it into my own hands. i’m only 16. i want help